I am a mother of a 12yr old with ADHD. He is in the 7th grade now and has been diagnosed since 1st grade. He is currently on Concerta and doing okay with that.
I am on the verge of a breakdown because I am having so many problems with him in school as far as school work is concerned. Every six weeks it is a struggle to get him to a passing point. He just flat won't turn in the work and talks all the time in class. When asked what the problem is he immediately starts crying and acts as though he is a victim. He has no desire to try to pass on his own, he is very immature and he just doesn't care if he fails or not.
I am so frustrated with him. He is in special classes and still doesn't want to put in an effort to pass.
Does anyone else have this problem. Am I the only one. I spend most every night crying and stressed about his school to the point that I am having problems with muscles spasms in my neck and back, insomnia, and losing my appetite. I don't know what to do anymore
I feel like a horrible parent because although I love him so much I have gotten to where I don't like him anymore.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this and can't afford to see anyone about it either. Can someone please offer me some advice or support?
Thanks.
Amanda

I'm curious you say he is doing ok on concerta, but from what you post it sounds like it's not doing much of anything to help him.

Seems like the med isn't working and he may either need a higher dose or a different medication altogether.

Does anyone else have this problem. Am I the only one.

You are definitely NOT alone. My 14yo ADHD son also has a terrible problem with lack of motivation. There are times when I really have to stay on top of him to get his work completed and turned in.

Like Mafia said, I have to really question how effective the Concerta is for your son at this point.

I also have to wonder WHY your son doesn't turn his work in? Does he lose it in his backpack/binder? That is usually my son's reason. {His other big problem is not getting the assignment written down in the first place - then he forgets if he has any homework}

If he just flat refuses to turn it in, I would wonder if 1 of 2 things is going on. First, perhaps he feels like "it isn't going to be any good anyway" and doesn't want to look like a "retard". Perhaps he is afraid of failure. He can't get a bad grade on it if he doesn't turn it in. If you're pretty sure that's not the case, then I'd have to question if his not turning things in is just a power struggle. As in, "you can make me do the homework, but you can't make me turn it it". It may be that the more you fight him, the more he resists.

Do any of those sound like possibilities?

You are so not alone, I too feel the exact same way. Its so frustrating that there is no motivation. Like a zomby, not caring.
My son forgets to hand in work, hw, projects etc... Extra credit? Whats that? Why do it? Just goes through the motions.
I have been feeling so guilty about my feelings toward him. I don't like him very much and feel like he's ruining my life. I can't help it but I try to help him but it does no good. I am so stressed.
The only recommendation to you that I have is get a progress report every week. I am going to the school next week to start the whole thing up. This way you can stay on top of him. Reward when he does something possitive, take away when he doesn't. I am going through the exact same thing, do you feel others have the perfect children, why not yours? I do. I feel I have done something wrong in bringing him up but.... all the triggers are not there. I am still married to his father, have a great home, he's has everything he needs, i show him love, the list goes on and on.. So what do we do now? Can anyone help?

...My son forgets to hand in work, hw, projects etc...

Allisok, how old is your son? Some of us might be able to share strategies for helping ADD kids remember to turn in their work. I think, though, that forgetting to turn in work and refusing to turn in work are slightly different issues.

:wave:
You are not alone. There are others out there. My heart goes out to you.

No, you're not the only one and THERE IS HOPE.

Have you had your son tested for learning disabilities and other disorders since he was diagnosed with ADHD? Has he had a well check of his vision, hearing and auditory processing?

Once you KNOW there is no physical disorder, you all must begin to change the dynamic at your home. In order for your son to succeed, together you must find what motivates him...likewise you must help him grasp what it is that causes him to fail or set up failing situations. Sometimes you can do this on your own with available written resources, sometimes you need a professional to help direct you. IF you are exhausted already, perhaps going to a counselor trained to support ADHD students you will BOTH get the break you need.

If that isn't feasible, look at the basics.

THE WORK. Does the child understand the work? Does he "get" the assignments in sufficient detail to perform the work? Does he accurately TRACK the work given, completed and turned in -- daytimers or schedulers are a struggling ADHD child's good friend.

THE ENVIRONMENT. Does the child have a calm, organized place in which to work? Consider the "homework survival kit" which can be moved from room to room yet contains EVERYTHING (dictionary, calculator, pencils, paper, ruler, etc.) he needs to do homework. Is he consistently directed to one spot, one process, one method of doing homework? Does he know how to break large tasks down into smaller pieces & use a timer to work on self-management? Does he require, or depend on, your supervision (THIS is critical)?

THE MOTIVATION. How is YOUR child motivated? What rewards does he structure for himself for finishing an assignment? What do YOU structure for him? How tied into the process is the teaching staff? Does the child understand those obstacles (even if they are his feelings and not a physical hurdle) that he allows to intervene in his work? How do you work thru those issues with him?

THE EMOTIONAL GAME. How well does your child transfer his negative energy, emotions, & responsibilities to you? How do you direct appropriate accountability on his shoulders? Is your interaction providing the 'crutch' that the child needs emotionally to escape the responsibility of his school work?

Oftentimes ADHD/ADD children simply become overwhelmed by the concept of homework or schooling. What would appear 'normal' to use appears to be beyond the scope of what he/she can possibly accomplish. Too, with an immature child, he/she may be so enmeshed in their own self-defeating process that they no longer KNOW which comes first...the work or the depressive effects of failing.

There are many very, very good resources about motivating your child available online or in bookstores. What we, as parents of ADD/ADHD children, need to make sure of is that WE are not contributing to their issues by allowing the child to transfer responsibility to OUR shoulders.

Thanks to all that have responded. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

To answer some questions. He is on Concerta. We are working on increasing the dosage to a higher dose. He has been on Adderal and Ritalin and believe it or not Concerta is really making a difference. He even tells me that he feels the results of using it.

As far as the school work issue. Part of the problem is that he does not write down the assignment, sometimes he says he forgot it, sometimes he says he lost it.
I am pretty sure that he is not worried about it not being good enough because I have worked it out with everyone of his teachers that he can bring home every assignment from class daily so that I can help him. He brings home that work and I don't give him answers but I will look it over and point out the ones that are wrong so that he can correct them for a good grade. I don't know what it is.
I thought that he just may need more organization so I got him folders for each class and that has not helped. I go at least once every two weeks and do locker checks to make sure that there is nothing sitting in there incomplete or not turned in. Even if the paper is turned in too late to get a grade I make him turn it in so that the teacher sees that he did do the work.
I do try to reward him when he does good and I take away when he gets in trouble in school but I still have problems.
He is very intelligent he just has no desire or drive to get his work done. He just wants to sit in class and talk and then he blames the teachers saying that they are picking on him. I go to the school and have meetings with at least one teacher a week. They all have my email and know that they can let me know everytime something happens no matter how big or little the issue.
I am just getting so frustrated with everything. It just seems like after 7 years of school there would be a little break in all of the drama of school work.
I just hate that we fight so much to do the work and we have that kind of relationship now.
Anyway enough of the venting. Thank you again to all that have replied to me. It has been a great comfort.
Amanda

Amanda -

This is very hard to hear (I know, I was on the receiving end of it quite a few years ago) but -- YOU DO YOUR SON NO FAVORS BY ALLOWING HIM TO TRANSFER RESPONSIBILITY TO YOU FOR HIS SCHOOLWORK.

He KNOWS you will go over his assignments. He KNOWS you will be the backstop for keeping him from failing. He KNOWS that you feel driven to help him succeed...all of which may (only MAY) be keeping him from realizing that he must learn to do for himself. He KNOWS too at some level that he can do the work, maintain a grade, succeed...if he were motivated.

There's a series of books out there (search internet on "motivating underachiever"), some by Carolyn Coil, some by others. PLEASE avail yourself of these resources. I'm pretty sure when you read the "what style of underachiever is your child?" section you'll have a lightbulb moment going - WHA??? THAT'S MY CHILD!

I speak from experience and from having been where you are. You're not alone but you don't have to stay in the same exhausting, draining, gets-you-down-everyday rut. The key is finding HIS motivation...clearly the rewards you offer or the things you "take away" are not helping him to change this behavior or mindset. I urge you to either do the research and read some of what's out there, or to get the child to a behavioral therapist NOW before high school. He CAN do better, make better choices, be led to a happy, successful future. He WILL be happier if he's taught how to deal with his own issues that are standing in the way of all that.

P.S. Z is on honor roll again this semester...after being the same way your son is.

Thank you Z. I will look on the internet and go to some bookstores. I am just afraid that he will fail if I don't stay on him. As I have always done I let the first six weeks of school go and don't keep on him just to see how he will do well he failed 2 classes so I am afraid that if I don't continue the way that I have been he will fail.
I dont have money to take him to someone so I am on my own.
I will look into somethings this weekend though and see if I can gain some insight. Thanks for the response.

You know my son is only 6 but i know what your going through. My son was kicked out of headstart for 3 days because of headbutting a teacher who was pg we think he was just trying to give her a hug but it scared everyone because she had no fluid around the baby and knew she was going to lose the baby. The way it sounds to me is that the med your son is on is not working if he hasnt tryed ritilan think about doing that. Thats the med my son is on and it is doing wonders

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About 10 years ago i used to be your kid!
I grew up with adhd but they didnt find out till i was in the 5th grade....my mom went crazy and so did i!... i went nuts trying to do homework! i always talked in class got in trouble etc (this went on outside of school also)....i really cant tell you what to do?!...i can just tell you my story and here it goes!!!

Okaay, its not gonna be perfect but here you go!!!!....

I'm derick,
i was diagnosed with ADHD around 5th grade, i always struggled in school!! very frusterated and angry! ...i remember my mom trying to help me and i would just break down crying, kicking and just flipping!!! ..it really has nothing to do with the mother or whatever!....anyayways....i continued in school and by the time i got in high school i was in special ED...im getting sick of typing! LOL.....got to 11th grade...i dropped ouT, got my G.E.D went to school to be a nurse for 10 months...thats the only thing that really took my interest ....now am doing OKAY $$$$

P.S alot of actors have adhd
AND THIS IS sooo un-well written cause i don't CARE :-)

Hi Amanda, my son is also 12 and diagnosed since kindergarten. We only tried meds for kindergarten then did counseling and behaviorial therapy up until 7th grade. He always got good grades but he still had notes on every report card about his social behavior. Beginning in 6th grade, his grades started going down. 7th grade started off with some C's and still had other issues at home and in school. So, we started the meds again. He was supposed to take Concerta but COULD NOT swallow. We then went to regular Adderall 10mg to start once a day and upped it to 20mg at 7am. He really didn't notice too much. I noticed he was more animated and had engaging conversations which he started. Yesterday was his first day on Adderall XR 20mg. He said he was starving all day and he seemed a bit edgy. Had a problem in gym in which I had to call the teacher. Waiting for a call back. Anyway, with my son's homework - when I get home from work we sit at the dining room table which is set up with everything he needs. I try to keep it free of other clutter as too much stuff tends to throw him off. I have to keep his room sparse too. It helps him focus when he doesn't see stuff all over. We sit down and he begins his homework. While he is doing it, I would be looking over other papers or help him understand something. If he doesn't turn in a paper on time, he pays the price. Natural consequences. I tell him that he has to listen carefully to what the teacher says because if he doesn't write it down, I can't help.

Your son is not too old for 'timeouts.' If my son is overly edgy or talks back, he goes to his room until he can behave. I would suggest keeping things very organized at home - where he does his homework and in his bedroom. Sounds like there is a lot of yelling in your house - as there is in mine. I have worked really hard to get to the point that we are at now. Everyone is put in check when their voice raises. I tell them 'just because you're saying it louder doesn't mean I'll understand any better!' Also, when your son is always nervous because of yelling and expectations that he may feel he can't meet, step back and take a breath. Gently guide him, let him know that you realize how tough it is for him to adjust to situations. Give him consequences that are set in place and followed through on. The talking in class situation should be handled by the teacher. My son has spent many years right next to the teacher's desk and also next to people he doesn't know so he is quieter.

He is my 'high maintenance' child. My older son is very independent, mature, high honor roll, national honor roll, etc. My youngest needs to be kept active. He has a drumset and takes lessons in school and private lessons once a week. He doesn't practice as much as he should but he does what he needs to do and plays well when it comes to band night. Once he is focused on something he wants, he talks about it until he gets it. I definitely have to communicate differently with each child. Sometimes it is seen as 'coddling' or overprotective, but we are our child's only advocate so we have to do what we know is right. Hang in there and come back to chat if you need to - we'll be here. I cried for three days when we decided to do meds again wondering if we did the right thing. I'm still trying to figure that out. Whether putting on meds was the right decision, if the meds he is on is the most effective for him, etc. I questioned my doctor that if the regular Adderall was at a dose of 20mg and wasn't doing much, why would he keep him at 20mg on the XR? He said that the system said for my son's body weight that's what he should have. My son at 12 - is 5'8" and 175 pounds. I think I've seen on these boards where people are at higher doses. I'll be watching.

Thank you all for replying to me. After hearing your stories you would not believe the relief I feel. I think that I don't get so upset at my son, Roman anymore.
Well report cards came in today and he passed everything. Not as good as I would have liked but still it's passing.
As far as school in general, just in the last week he seems to be doing better. He is getting done with his homework more without help and completing more assignments in class than in the past. I tried to remind him that it is easier to get the work done now instead of failing and having to do it all over again next year and that seems to help some too.
I did get the dr to raise his dose some more and hopefully we will see some results with that too. To answer some questions about the meds not working, well, I don't think that they aren't working it was just that the dose was the lowest dose possible and we have to get it up to a higher level than he is currently taking. He did try to take Adderall and Ritalin and neither one of them did him any good at all. He does see results with the Concerta its just that the amount he was taking wasn't enough to get him through the day.
I do want to let you all know that your support and thoughts have been extremely helpful to me. I don't know of other people where I am that have children with ADHD so I never had someone who understood where I was coming from. It has been such a relief to know that I am not alone.
I hope that I will be able to offer each of you guys some of the same comfort, support, and/or advice that you have given me in the near future.
I will keep you guys posted and look forward to reading your updates.
Have a great weekend guys.

Amanda

I Know What You Are Going Through.my Son Is 13 And In Grade 7,it Sounds Like He Needs A Support Worker At School With Him.without One,my Son Could Not Function In School.i Would Ask Your Doctor To Re-evaluate Him,he Might Need Different Meds.do You Have Any Kind Of Support For You And Him?that Is So Important. :)

No i don't have any support for either of us. I will say that I have been in touch with some of his teachers this week and have been getting better feed back on his bahavior. Maybe his meds just needed to be increased.

Hi I fully understand where you’re all coming from. My son now 18 was diagnosed approximately 6 months ago with “possible” ADD. It has been a constant struggle all his life with just about everything. The diagnosis was done so late as when he was in grade 3 I was told he had an Auditory Processing Defecate, and have work with that theory ever since. However I am now told that may not be the case. I think I’ve spent as much time in the principal’s office as he has. He has never been able to settle down in school, can’t complete his work, ( if it’s not lost before it makes it’s way home), or it’s done with a struggle but it’s never handed in. He is very high strung, goes from being very quiet to violent and aggressive. Currently he is not in school (was expelled). He has been “self medicating” with marijuana. He was on Concerta for approximately 2 month. He gave it a test run during summer school. Didn’t seem to do much except make him more agitated, aggressive and angry. Actually I don’t know if it’s the med that caused it or the fact that he’s more up-set because nothing seems to work, or that we can’t truly determine what the root problem is.
He was also on growth hormones for 4 years, and has now been prescribed male hormone replacement (which we’re also reluctant to start him on as we fear heightening the aggression). Oh and to add to it I have also been told that he has Anxiety and Conduct disorders.
I live in Ontario Canada, does anyone know of a doctor that can help to truly determine what’s going on.
I’m truly concerned for him and his future.

Hi I fully understand where you’re all coming from. My son now 18 was diagnosed approximately 6 months ago with “possible” ADD. It has been a constant struggle all his life with just about everything. The diagnosis was done so late as when he was in grade 3 I was told he had an Auditory Processing Defecate, and have work with that theory ever since. However I am now told that may not be the case. I think I’ve spent as much time in the principal’s office as he has. He has never been able to settle down in school, can’t complete his work, ( if it’s not lost before it makes it’s way home), or it’s done with a struggle but it’s never handed in. He is very high strung, goes from being very quiet to violent and aggressive. Currently he is not in school (was expelled). He has been “self medicating” with marijuana. He was on Concerta for approximately 2 month. He gave it a test run during summer school. Didn’t seem to do much except make him more agitated, aggressive and angry. Actually I don’t know if it’s the med that caused it or the fact that he’s more up-set because nothing seems to work, or that we can’t truly determine what the root problem is.
He was also on growth hormones for 4 years, and has now been prescribed male hormone replacement (which we’re also reluctant to start him on as we fear heightening the aggression). Oh and to add to it I have also been told that he has Anxiety and Conduct disorders.
I live in Ontario Canada, does anyone know of a doctor that can help to truly determine what’s going on.
I’m truly concerned for him and his future.


Anxiety and conduct disorders could be the cause of his problems. If he really does have conduct disorder that would explain aggressive behavior drug use and other of those types of behavior. Of course the opposite may also be true, he might not really have conduct disorder... it could just be his way of dealing with ADHD.

Either way you cannot just attribute his drug use to self medicating. That is a total cop out. He needs to be punished for it just like any teen who had no mental health probs would be. Fact is if he was self medicating for ADHD its much more likely he would use cocaine or a similar drug. Marijuana is pretty popular among the 'normal' high school and college kids.

Anxiety and conduct disorders could be the cause of his problems. If he really does have conduct disorder that would explain aggressive behavior drug use and other of those types of behavior. Of course the opposite may also be true, he might not really have conduct disorder... it could just be his way of dealing with ADHD.

Either way you cannot just attribute his drug use to self medicating. That is a total cop out. He needs to be punished for it just like any teen who had no mental health probs would be. Fact is if he was self medicating for ADHD its much more likely he would use cocaine or a similar drug. Marijuana is pretty popular among the 'normal' high school and college kids.


Thanks for the feedback, just wondering if you are a student of medicine or are you approximately my son's age. Either way perhaps you can help me in determining how to "punish" an 18 year old, considered by law to be an adult. He doesn't drive (can't take the keys away), isn't living at home right now (can't take the keys away), has limited access to money (cash flow is very restricted and monitored)...so cocaine seems a little off also. The theory of "self medicating" was suggested by several physicians after being told by my son about the drug usage. He was quite up front about the frequency and even the reason he uses it...to forget and COPE. I agree, it is a cop out (and I don't condone the drug use) for some one able to cope with every day life. I know there are other ways of dealing; unfortunately he has not found those means as yet. In the mean time I can't find someone to positively id the problem. I guess the next doctor he sees will have a different spin.
PS as for drug use being popular among high school kids, I belive there is always a core reason for drug and alcohol use other than for real medical reason. It's used to unwind, cope, for acceptance and to induce or heighten feelings of exhilaration and pleasure. Why are the "normal kids" using it.