Torfado
11-05-2004, 12:47 AM
I have been in a serious relationship with someone for two years. For the past month or so she has started to distance herself from me a little bit. Around two weeks ago she started to develop redness and pain in her vaginal area. It was followed by a discharge. She went to her Dr. and he treated her for a yeast infection without even looking at her. He said the symptoms sounded like yeast and so he treated her for it.
Well two days later the bumps started, along with the itching and burning during urination. I talked her into going to the emergency room after work. She called me about three hours later crying, my worst fear had come true. It turns about a few weeks ago she got drunk while out with her friends. She ended up going home with a guy and having unprotected sex. I knew my girlfriend had control issues when she drank, but never thought it would escalate to this. She confessed that she had slept with him and that she had genital herpes. Now imagine being told that the love of your life slept with a random person from a bar. As if that weren't bad enough you have to hear that she got herpes from the encounter.
My first thoughts were about her well being. I love her too much to get mad about a mistake. She confessed, at least she told me. Better late then never I guess. She told me that it was up to me where we were going to go from here. I don't want to lose her over this so I said that we would get through it. Now I am thinking about when the outbreak goes away. What is our sex life going to be like? We both got tested before the first time we had sex and came back negative for everything. We never used protection. I'm afraid this is going to ruin that. I guess I'm looking for some encouragement or happy endings to lift my spirits and help me realize that it can be ok. I know herpes isn't life ending, I guess it will just always be a constant reminder to the both of us as to what just happened.
Anyone have any good news for me? I'm going crazy over here. And thanks for listening to me rant. I can't talk to anyone we know because I'm afraid they will think ill of her. I don't want our friends or families looking at her any different. She is a great girl that just made a really bad choice.
Also, can anyone give any tips on making her feel more comfortable with this? I'm dying watching her squirm in pain and from the itching. It's eating me up to see her go through this. I have made a ton of midnight trips to the store to pick up things the doctor suggested (benadryl, alavert, hydrocortizone etc..). Also any tips on things to point out to her to make her feel less dirty? She is really coming down on herself hard about this. She keeps calling herself a dirty *****. I hate seeing her like this.
Well two days later the bumps started, along with the itching and burning during urination. I talked her into going to the emergency room after work. She called me about three hours later crying, my worst fear had come true. It turns about a few weeks ago she got drunk while out with her friends. She ended up going home with a guy and having unprotected sex. I knew my girlfriend had control issues when she drank, but never thought it would escalate to this. She confessed that she had slept with him and that she had genital herpes. Now imagine being told that the love of your life slept with a random person from a bar. As if that weren't bad enough you have to hear that she got herpes from the encounter.
My first thoughts were about her well being. I love her too much to get mad about a mistake. She confessed, at least she told me. Better late then never I guess. She told me that it was up to me where we were going to go from here. I don't want to lose her over this so I said that we would get through it. Now I am thinking about when the outbreak goes away. What is our sex life going to be like? We both got tested before the first time we had sex and came back negative for everything. We never used protection. I'm afraid this is going to ruin that. I guess I'm looking for some encouragement or happy endings to lift my spirits and help me realize that it can be ok. I know herpes isn't life ending, I guess it will just always be a constant reminder to the both of us as to what just happened.
Anyone have any good news for me? I'm going crazy over here. And thanks for listening to me rant. I can't talk to anyone we know because I'm afraid they will think ill of her. I don't want our friends or families looking at her any different. She is a great girl that just made a really bad choice.
Also, can anyone give any tips on making her feel more comfortable with this? I'm dying watching her squirm in pain and from the itching. It's eating me up to see her go through this. I have made a ton of midnight trips to the store to pick up things the doctor suggested (benadryl, alavert, hydrocortizone etc..). Also any tips on things to point out to her to make her feel less dirty? She is really coming down on herself hard about this. She keeps calling herself a dirty *****. I hate seeing her like this.
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backpacker
11-05-2004, 10:02 AM
Wow, are you a great guy. I'm going to bump up an uplifting thread for you called "Happy Couples"--please read the whole thread, which is lots of stories about couples that have one partner with h and one without, and suggestions for keeping the one without h-free.
If you will do a search on this board for "garlic oil", you will find an inexpensive, homemeade, soothing remedy for much of the pain.
Sounds like her self-esteem problem should have more to do with her drinking problem and less with herpes. Herpes is the result, while drinking is the cause. Perhaps when she faces that and decides drinking is not the right thing for her, she will begin to feel better about herself, and more in control. In any case, your support will always help her heal.
If you will do a search on this board for "garlic oil", you will find an inexpensive, homemeade, soothing remedy for much of the pain.
Sounds like her self-esteem problem should have more to do with her drinking problem and less with herpes. Herpes is the result, while drinking is the cause. Perhaps when she faces that and decides drinking is not the right thing for her, she will begin to feel better about herself, and more in control. In any case, your support will always help her heal.
kierstyn_04
11-05-2004, 12:20 PM
Wow you really do sound like a great guy. Wish I had been that lucky. Is her outbreak really bad? If it hurts to urinate, fill up a empty (and well claenout out) shampoo bottle and tell her to rince while she goes. It helped although it was only that bad durring my very first one. Did they perscribe anything for her? Valtrex, if not call hte dr back and ask them to call it in for her, it will help a lot. Other than that l-lysine and red marine algae work for me, I went and got a natural healing book from the vitamin shop and it helped me too. Zinc I think helps me a lot.
Then of course no chocolate, it will just take time to learn her body.
As for the sex being like it was . . . . yea read the happy couples thread, but you knwo your chances. I was sleeping with my boyfriend for years he had it the whole time and I didnt get it till the end of out 3rd year together.
As for how she feels dirty, I think we all went through that in some way. I was on anti-depressants for a good 3 months, Im off now and I dont feel so bad. But you telling her that YOU odnt think she is DIRTY will for sure help. I woudl look into books on natural healing to help her.
Wow what a guy, I wish you could give lessons.
Then of course no chocolate, it will just take time to learn her body.
As for the sex being like it was . . . . yea read the happy couples thread, but you knwo your chances. I was sleeping with my boyfriend for years he had it the whole time and I didnt get it till the end of out 3rd year together.
As for how she feels dirty, I think we all went through that in some way. I was on anti-depressants for a good 3 months, Im off now and I dont feel so bad. But you telling her that YOU odnt think she is DIRTY will for sure help. I woudl look into books on natural healing to help her.
Wow what a guy, I wish you could give lessons.
Babs66
11-05-2004, 12:46 PM
I guess I'm looking for some encouragement or happy endings to lift my spirits and help me realize that it can be ok.
You are a wonderful boyfriend/person I can tell. My boyfriend is asleep in the other room and I have the urge to go in there and slap him...just because he's not like you!!
I'm sure I don't need to say this as you have probably have already thought of it, but she put herself and you at risk for HIV by having unprotected sex. You should both get retested in 6 months and in the meantime use condoms. Just my opinion.
I hope you can both get through this. The love you have for her is amazing and at this moment I don't think she is deserving of it. I have been cheated on so I'm bitter. We all make mistakes, yes, but if you are going to screw up at least be careful and don't bring something home to me.
There are alot of smart people on this board who can offer you advice on herpes relief. Best of luck and I hope we hear back from you soon. Some stories I read about on this board stick with me. I think this is one of them and I'll be curious to hear about how things turn out.
Hugs to you.
Babs
You are a wonderful boyfriend/person I can tell. My boyfriend is asleep in the other room and I have the urge to go in there and slap him...just because he's not like you!!
I'm sure I don't need to say this as you have probably have already thought of it, but she put herself and you at risk for HIV by having unprotected sex. You should both get retested in 6 months and in the meantime use condoms. Just my opinion.
I hope you can both get through this. The love you have for her is amazing and at this moment I don't think she is deserving of it. I have been cheated on so I'm bitter. We all make mistakes, yes, but if you are going to screw up at least be careful and don't bring something home to me.
There are alot of smart people on this board who can offer you advice on herpes relief. Best of luck and I hope we hear back from you soon. Some stories I read about on this board stick with me. I think this is one of them and I'll be curious to hear about how things turn out.
Hugs to you.
Babs
Torfado
11-05-2004, 04:11 PM
Now I have found out that she is still speaking with this guy. I feel as if it's starting to pull her away from me. How can she even want to speak with the guy that gave her Herpes? I can't even fathom what they could possibly talk about. Still I can't stop loving her and hoping that things will turn around. I find myself fighting to keep our relationship and love alive. Yet I shouldn't be the one fighting. I know that I did a few things to push her away. I just didn't think that it would come to this. I was unemployed for about half our relationship. She was constantly telling me to do something about it and I took her words with a grain of salt. I see now that I was taking what I had for granted and don't want this to be the end. I find myself begging her to give us one more chance. I guess I'm a sucker, but I can't help it. She is the love of my life. Nobody has ever meant this much to me.
Yes her outbreak was pretty bad. It's starting to simmer down now though. Thanks for all the tips guys.
Yes her outbreak was pretty bad. It's starting to simmer down now though. Thanks for all the tips guys.
susieq0726
11-05-2004, 04:25 PM
BIG RED FLAG. If this guy was a drunken one night stand, why is she still talking to him????? Sorry,,,this doesn't sound good AT ALL.
kierstyn_04
11-05-2004, 04:36 PM
Ummmm yea. She shoudl NOT be even talking to him unless it is to simply tell him he has it, maybe he didnt know and gave it to her unknowingly other than that no contact. That was not a one night stand my friend! If I were you USE CONDOMS PLEASE! Things dont sound too permanent, and you dont want to get herpes adn then be like a lot of people on this board and dredding how to tell your next partner you have herpes, its not easy!!!!! Definately think this through, please. If she were very very comitted to you and it was a one time thing that woudl be different but she is still talking to the guy, ummmm no. No way.
I would hold off on any type of sex until you are 100% sure she is with you and only you and yes get tested for EVERYTHING. I feel so bad for you, Im with the person before me I want to go slap my husband for not being more liek you right now. I have a outbreak and hes only pissed that he cant get laid. There is someone who wil love you as much as you love them.
I would hold off on any type of sex until you are 100% sure she is with you and only you and yes get tested for EVERYTHING. I feel so bad for you, Im with the person before me I want to go slap my husband for not being more liek you right now. I have a outbreak and hes only pissed that he cant get laid. There is someone who wil love you as much as you love them.
Torfado
11-05-2004, 04:40 PM
I know that.. I know she had originally talked to him to confront him about what he gave her. I just can't figure out why they would still be talking. How could a girl feel anything for a guy that ruined a part of her life? I am not saying she has feelings for him because I don't know. I just can't see why. Does she feel a bond to him because of the tragedy that is taking place? It almost reminds of kidnapping victims who fall for their abductor. I know she is confused and going through a lot right now, but how can she not realize that he screwed her life up?
No matter what she does or confesses to me I can't stop loving her. She has been the only light in my dark world since the day I met her. She gave me a reason to keep living. I thought my life was over until she came along. I'm running out of gas over here. I have been fighting for a week straight and it seems that things are different every day. One day she is fine with me, the next distant. Again I know she is confused and this is all a lot for anyone to handle. Maybe there is no reason why this is happening. I guess only time will tell, I just don't know how much more time I can take.
If this doesn't work out, I don't ever want to love someone this much again. I will always fear the betrayal that has happened. I think she may have ruined me.
No matter what she does or confesses to me I can't stop loving her. She has been the only light in my dark world since the day I met her. She gave me a reason to keep living. I thought my life was over until she came along. I'm running out of gas over here. I have been fighting for a week straight and it seems that things are different every day. One day she is fine with me, the next distant. Again I know she is confused and this is all a lot for anyone to handle. Maybe there is no reason why this is happening. I guess only time will tell, I just don't know how much more time I can take.
If this doesn't work out, I don't ever want to love someone this much again. I will always fear the betrayal that has happened. I think she may have ruined me.
susieq0726
11-05-2004, 04:45 PM
Buddy,,,
There is alot more going on here than just her herpes. You are so in love with her you can't see it, or don't want to see it.
Don't let her take advantage of your love for her. Either she dumps the guy, or ends it with you.
There is alot more going on here than just her herpes. You are so in love with her you can't see it, or don't want to see it.
Don't let her take advantage of your love for her. Either she dumps the guy, or ends it with you.
Torfado
11-05-2004, 05:43 PM
I see that. I just don't want to give her an ultimatum. I know from experience that they usually backfire in your face. Especially in a time like this when she is so confused. I guess I really have no other choice though.
backpacker
11-05-2004, 05:56 PM
Oh, Torfado, saying you wouldn't love again like this is like saying every woman must be like her. But that's not true. There are so many good people out there who really know how to love. It's good to be picky and cautious, but don't ever give up. Everyone is different.
I know that's advice for the future, but I'd hate to think a loving person like you isolating himself.
Well, you could give her a loving ultimatum instead of an angry one.
I know that's advice for the future, but I'd hate to think a loving person like you isolating himself.
Well, you could give her a loving ultimatum instead of an angry one.
unlucky_guy
11-05-2004, 05:58 PM
I see that. I just don't want to give her an ultimatum. I know from experience that they usually backfire in your face. Especially in a time like this when she is so confused. I guess I really have no other choice though.
I'm a guy...and lemme tell ya, having herpes really sucks man. No matter what you do, you can NEVER have a normal sex life again. Combine that with the fact that this girl sounds pretty shady...and its a double-whammy. Be smart. Move on.
I'm a guy...and lemme tell ya, having herpes really sucks man. No matter what you do, you can NEVER have a normal sex life again. Combine that with the fact that this girl sounds pretty shady...and its a double-whammy. Be smart. Move on.
Torfado
11-05-2004, 07:48 PM
I wish I could just move on. I just can't do it. I also wish I could hate her as that would be much easier on me, I can't do that either. I do know however that one more lie from her and I'm done. I won't be able to handle going through this all over again. There is no way I have enough energy left. I just can't let go right now.
You guys have been great. I will keep checking this thread and I will keep you posted. I'm heading over to her place now to talk. I am just going to tell her to be honest with me. I'm going to give her a chance to tell me anything that she has been holding back. We will see how I feel after this.
You guys have been great. I will keep checking this thread and I will keep you posted. I'm heading over to her place now to talk. I am just going to tell her to be honest with me. I'm going to give her a chance to tell me anything that she has been holding back. We will see how I feel after this.
backpacker
11-07-2004, 09:46 PM
Torfado, I married a guy who had lied to me once. He's an alcoholic and had lied about drinking. But he admitted it and we made up and I thought we had good communication and true love. 7 years into the rocky marriage that had stripped my self-confidence and put me into a numbing purgatory (and I didn't know what was wrong), he finally confessed that he had been lying to me; he had been drinking since the second month of our marriage. Suddenly everything fell into place. I had to go back and relive those 7 years, seeing times he was harsh for no reason (he was hungover); times he would come home and never say a word to me, just go work in the garden, and me some of those times trying to entice him into bed (he didn't want me to know that he'd been drinking); times I tried to talk with him the way we'd talked before the marriage--intimately, sharing memories and our deepest feelings (he was afraid if we got close he would confess)--I relived those years knowing the truth, feeling betrayed, left companionless by the one who was supposed to be my truest companion, angry that those years of my life had been stolen by lies and manipulations. Don't let this happen to you. People either won't lie or they will. If they lie, they'll lie again. It's true that people can change, but only with great resolve and courage which is unmistakeable. If you don't see such determination and resolve in her, please don't fool yourself into giving her just one more chance. There really isn't a need to waste your life or your love; don't go through life with someone you can't trust wholeheartedly.
End of sermon (sorry.)
End of sermon (sorry.)
Torfado
11-08-2004, 06:27 PM
Update..
Friday night we decided to sit down and talk. We both confessed a lot of different things to eachother and for the first time I felt we were both completely open. It was a huge weight off both of our chests. The discussion got heated at times, doors were slammed and a lot of tears spilled. In the end it was all for the better. She agreed that she had made a mistake and was making another by talking to this guy still. She called him up, explained to him that this was all a big mistake and asked him to stop calling her.
We then started talking about what needed to be done to move our relationship along. She agreed and so did I. We spent the rest of the weekend rekindling the flame. We went out Friday night and had a great time together. Spent the entire day Saturday cuddling on the couch and talking. I know it's going to take some time for everything to fall back into place, but I'm willing to wait and so is she.
I want to thank you guys for all your help. It is looking like the money I spent on her engagement ring isn't going to go to waste after all. Thanks for all the kind words, good advice and tips. You guys rock. I'll keep you posted on how things end up.
Friday night we decided to sit down and talk. We both confessed a lot of different things to eachother and for the first time I felt we were both completely open. It was a huge weight off both of our chests. The discussion got heated at times, doors were slammed and a lot of tears spilled. In the end it was all for the better. She agreed that she had made a mistake and was making another by talking to this guy still. She called him up, explained to him that this was all a big mistake and asked him to stop calling her.
We then started talking about what needed to be done to move our relationship along. She agreed and so did I. We spent the rest of the weekend rekindling the flame. We went out Friday night and had a great time together. Spent the entire day Saturday cuddling on the couch and talking. I know it's going to take some time for everything to fall back into place, but I'm willing to wait and so is she.
I want to thank you guys for all your help. It is looking like the money I spent on her engagement ring isn't going to go to waste after all. Thanks for all the kind words, good advice and tips. You guys rock. I'll keep you posted on how things end up.
sak119
11-13-2004, 01:29 AM
I got herpes the same way your girlfriend did, many years ago though. Luckily, I wasn't dating anyone at the time. She should feel dirty, but not from the herpes. You are very understanding about that part. I wish I could meet someone as understanding as you. However, I can't read your post and not reply. I don't know your situation that well, but from what you said you need to get the heck out! If you want your relationship to move forward and have her truely be faithful, then you need to take a step back...a BIG step back...or she will loose all respect for you. She obviously doesn't know how great of a guy she has. It will hurt to do it, but it will hurt more and for longer if you stick around only to be cheated on again. Give her time to realize what she has lost and then later down the line maybe get back together. You need time to think too. She has to stop talking to that guy for one, but she also needs to give up the booze for good if she really wants to save your relationship, since drinking was the reason it happened...I hope.
Being cheated on is never easy, trust me I know, but it isn't fair to you to have to worry about her and what she is doing. If she is drinking and who she is with. I was married before and didn't think my life would go on without him. Over time I realized I was only hurting myself and always wondered where he was and who he was with. You need to think about YOU. I would be more understanding on her part if she wasn't still talking to that guy, but that is unacceptable. I am sorry I am so brutally honest. I am just concerned about you.
Being cheated on is never easy, trust me I know, but it isn't fair to you to have to worry about her and what she is doing. If she is drinking and who she is with. I was married before and didn't think my life would go on without him. Over time I realized I was only hurting myself and always wondered where he was and who he was with. You need to think about YOU. I would be more understanding on her part if she wasn't still talking to that guy, but that is unacceptable. I am sorry I am so brutally honest. I am just concerned about you.
Torfado
11-13-2004, 07:33 PM
She told him to stop calling her last weekend. He hasn't called since. It was funny as she told him that we had worked things out to a point and that we were going to try to work them out completely. The kid said "how can you be with him and not me".. She told him that she didn't feel she had to explain herself to him. Seriously, who does this kid think he is? Don Juan? Why would she want to be with the guy she has been with and loved for two years over the guy that gave her herpes during a one night stand? Hmmm.. if he needs this explained to him then he has to be the stupidest man on the face of the earth.
We are moving forward however. Things have been going great, and she won't go anywhere without me. She said she doesn't want me to have to worry about what she's doing. I have been invited everywhere since this happened. I really do have a feeling it's all going to be alright. She is a new person lately and it's even better then before. Our sex life is picking up again, only thing is that I'm kind of scared that I may have herpes now too. We used protection but I've been itching lately. I hope I'm just being paranoid, time will tell I guess.
We are moving forward however. Things have been going great, and she won't go anywhere without me. She said she doesn't want me to have to worry about what she's doing. I have been invited everywhere since this happened. I really do have a feeling it's all going to be alright. She is a new person lately and it's even better then before. Our sex life is picking up again, only thing is that I'm kind of scared that I may have herpes now too. We used protection but I've been itching lately. I hope I'm just being paranoid, time will tell I guess.
sak119
11-14-2004, 11:08 AM
That is great that she told him to stop calling her. Yeah, he sounds like a little punk. I hope she does realize what a mistake she made and never, ever does it again. Som people say "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I don't really believe that to be true. Sure it is with some people, but othertimes it was simply a mistake. As long as she doesn't get drunk with other guys you guys shouldn't have anything to worry about.
As far as the itch goes, it is probably just a paranoid reaction. However, unless you use protection everytime and don't happen to "bump up against" each other then you should be fine. There are posts on this website on how to avoid giving herepes to your partner. Even if you should happen to get it there are drugs to help you repress the symptoms. Having herpes isn't the end of the world, one in five people have it. It is just inconvenient...
Take care and I am so happy things are going well
As far as the itch goes, it is probably just a paranoid reaction. However, unless you use protection everytime and don't happen to "bump up against" each other then you should be fine. There are posts on this website on how to avoid giving herepes to your partner. Even if you should happen to get it there are drugs to help you repress the symptoms. Having herpes isn't the end of the world, one in five people have it. It is just inconvenient...
Take care and I am so happy things are going well
Torfado
11-14-2004, 05:43 PM
Went to the ER last night as I started itching profusely. I tested positive for genital and oral herpes. I know it's not the end of the world, I'm just in shock as this is one of those things that I thought would never happen to me.
Dream0n83
11-14-2004, 07:01 PM
Well at least you know who you got if from. And the fact that you are still with her. You can still build a relationship. You both have herpes you can continue on with your sex life. Not when one of you is having an ob, but you can still have the sex life you were having.
I dont know if I read if she has herpes type 1 or not. But you two can get past that.
My boyfriend had to get the same news from me last week that I may have herpes, and it was confirmed this week. We are still waiting to get him tested since he hasnt had any symptoms.
Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out.
I dont know if I read if she has herpes type 1 or not. But you two can get past that.
My boyfriend had to get the same news from me last week that I may have herpes, and it was confirmed this week. We are still waiting to get him tested since he hasnt had any symptoms.
Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out.