dwc99
11-11-2004, 03:30 PM
Is it really O-OCD or am I actually very mentally ill?
It's been 2 months now since I started getting these morbid thoughts out of nowhere and I think I'm just getting worse. I have deadly thoughts all day long, every single day. If I see my mom laying down, then a thought flashes through my mind of suffocating her. If I see my son using scissors, then a thought flashes through my mind of stabbing him. I notice the thoughts about my son are worse when I'm alone with him, while all thoughts are better when he's not around. I'm seriously starting to question whether I should commit myself or not, because now I feel like I'm actually getting used to the digusting thoughts. Like before, they would totally freak me out and make me break down and cry. And they still do every once in awhile, but mostly now, I can accept them. Which I know is actually supposed to be a good thing, but it's not for me. It's causing me more stress. It's making me think "how can I not be totally repulsed by these thoughts?!". If I keep getting used to them, does that mean eventually I'll start LIKING them, too? And then will I hurt my mom or son, the two people I love most?
I haven't been officially diagnosed with anything yet and I've only been self-medicating myself with stuff I get from online. I know I need to make that call to a professional...I've been putting it off because, frankly....I'm worried that it's NOT OCD, that I, in fact, need to be committed to a mental institution. I'm just scared. And tired. And fed up. God, how I wish I could just rewind to 3 months ago when everything was normal.
It's been 2 months now since I started getting these morbid thoughts out of nowhere and I think I'm just getting worse. I have deadly thoughts all day long, every single day. If I see my mom laying down, then a thought flashes through my mind of suffocating her. If I see my son using scissors, then a thought flashes through my mind of stabbing him. I notice the thoughts about my son are worse when I'm alone with him, while all thoughts are better when he's not around. I'm seriously starting to question whether I should commit myself or not, because now I feel like I'm actually getting used to the digusting thoughts. Like before, they would totally freak me out and make me break down and cry. And they still do every once in awhile, but mostly now, I can accept them. Which I know is actually supposed to be a good thing, but it's not for me. It's causing me more stress. It's making me think "how can I not be totally repulsed by these thoughts?!". If I keep getting used to them, does that mean eventually I'll start LIKING them, too? And then will I hurt my mom or son, the two people I love most?
I haven't been officially diagnosed with anything yet and I've only been self-medicating myself with stuff I get from online. I know I need to make that call to a professional...I've been putting it off because, frankly....I'm worried that it's NOT OCD, that I, in fact, need to be committed to a mental institution. I'm just scared. And tired. And fed up. God, how I wish I could just rewind to 3 months ago when everything was normal.
Sponsor
hry33
11-11-2004, 03:37 PM
it may be OCD or something else, see a GP doc about it
elenaroberts
11-11-2004, 04:21 PM
I think its totally OCD.Cause i have ocd too and i sometimes have these thoghts (killing my brother,doing people bad things)you are scared to do these arent you??if its so you must have OCD.also if you have ocd these thoughts come more often when youre stressed.but dont take your pills in the way you choose.its a thing a doctor should do.cuz if you have other illnesses these pills might make things get worse.so just see a doctor they know what is best for you.
dwc99
11-11-2004, 06:12 PM
Oh yeah, I'm definitely scared to do them. I mean, the thoughts *do* repulse me. I could never hurt anyone, *especially* my mom or my little son! I'm actually more empathetic and compassionate than most people...or I was, anyway. This just came so suddenly, out of the blue. Like I said, I've been self-medicating myself...trying to face the thoughts, accept them as harmless thoughts and move on. And it's sort of working, as far as accepting them as just thoughts, anyway. But then that leads to a whole new problem...I start obsessing over the fact that maybe by accepting these thoughts, and not freaking out over them anymore, I could eventually start to LIKE the thoughts. Maybe I'm in some kind of downward spiral, where I'll just keep getting worse and worse and 6 months from now, I WILL commit some terrible crime.
And then of course, because that sounds so damn paranoid, I start to question my sanity. I just feel helpless.
And then of course, because that sounds so damn paranoid, I start to question my sanity. I just feel helpless.
angelcandee
12-10-2004, 04:46 AM
I don't know what to suggest, as I haven't found the answer myself. All I can say is that it took a lot of strength for you to come on here and that's a good step. I am a fourth year nursing student and everything was ok with me until about 4 months ago. I too have similar thoughts to you, some so scarry I can't even write them on here. Like you, I sometimes question why I think about them as often as I do. Does it mean there really is some validity to my thoughts? I shared my thoughts with a friend once and she told me that if the thought bothers you enough to talk about it or seek help, then you would never act on it. Our situation is absolutely absurd, because of course we would never do the unthinkable. I don't think you're mentally ill. I too am scarred to talk to somebody about my thoughts because of how it will be interpreted. If you come up with something or you want to chat further, do not hesitate to message me.
Angel.
Angel.
Sillygrl
12-11-2004, 07:02 AM
Hi, I know exactly how you feel! I have thoughts about people that I love the most and care very much for! The way that you described your thoughts are exactly what I go through every day! I am pretty sure that you have OCD and that you are not mental, but I am also in the same boat and unsure about a lot of things. I have been told that OCD is the doubting disease and it seems that you doubt a lot about who you are and what you are capable of. I know in my heart that I am not the kind of person that could ever seriously hurt or kill another human being, but because of the OCD I doubt even this! I know how scary and sickening it can be! I truly do! I know the worry you feel that some day what if you did do something horrible! I fear the same thing, I fear I will just snap...but you must read between the lines here! If you were really capable of doing harm then the thoughts would not bother you so much and because you are not as shocked at them now, is because you are used to them. For awhile back maybe 4 months I didnt let those thought bother me and I rarely had them, they were not an obsession then. Now, after a lot of stress and hardships the thoughts have come back.
I know that you scared, I am too, but because we are scared at these thoughts it means that we really are good people and we would never do the horrible things our minds make up! Get help I am pretty sure that you will not be committed. Keep the faith and keep us posted!
I know that you scared, I am too, but because we are scared at these thoughts it means that we really are good people and we would never do the horrible things our minds make up! Get help I am pretty sure that you will not be committed. Keep the faith and keep us posted!
Charmbracelet81
12-15-2004, 08:08 PM
I have the same thing as I have told sillygrl a while back. So what exactly are we obsessed with? I don't understand the obsession and the thoughts together. I feel like if I talk to my husband about :confused: this he will feel that I am psycho and that he needs to protect our baby from me and that it will turn into a big mess that is why I come here. Does anyone know if post partum depression and the intrusive thoughts could go hand in hand? Thank you!
SarangHae
12-15-2004, 08:47 PM
I know wat ur talking about. At first, thoughts tortured you so badly. Then later the thoughts seemed to be weaken. You felt better for a while and thought u will be free from OCD. But then out of nowhere thought like "you must really like those disgusting thoughts dats why ur not feeling anxious". I think dats called "back door spike".
ShannonKay
12-16-2004, 02:28 AM
THIS IS OCD. I promise you, and know with all my heart, that it is. What makes me so sure? The fact that I have it myself, and could've totally written this post, and I have also done quite a bit of research on this disorder.
YOU NEED to know that you're not the only one who has these thoughts. You will NEVER like these thoughts. You may get used to them, like you've said before, but that's natural. Anything routinely ruminating inside your head will do this. It hurts so badly, I know. It's the worst pain imaginable.
I advise you first to educate yourself. Type in 'OCD' or 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' on any search engine. You'll be impressed with the results. You'll find yourself having, 'That sounds just like ME!' moments. Read, read, read. Books I recommend are 'Brain Lock', by Jeffery Schwartz, and 'Imp of the Mind', by Lee Baer. You're already on the right track by finding this board (which has helped me in ways unimaginable), and you have people here who know just what you're going through.
Even a visit to your family doctor is beneficial. He/she may prescribe you some medicine (you won't have to get it over the internet), and give you a few good therapists to visit, if it strikes you to do so.
You MUST be strong. I know it's difficult to think for one minute that this will ever get any better. But it CAN, and it WILL. I'm proof.
YOU NEED to know that you're not the only one who has these thoughts. You will NEVER like these thoughts. You may get used to them, like you've said before, but that's natural. Anything routinely ruminating inside your head will do this. It hurts so badly, I know. It's the worst pain imaginable.
I advise you first to educate yourself. Type in 'OCD' or 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' on any search engine. You'll be impressed with the results. You'll find yourself having, 'That sounds just like ME!' moments. Read, read, read. Books I recommend are 'Brain Lock', by Jeffery Schwartz, and 'Imp of the Mind', by Lee Baer. You're already on the right track by finding this board (which has helped me in ways unimaginable), and you have people here who know just what you're going through.
Even a visit to your family doctor is beneficial. He/she may prescribe you some medicine (you won't have to get it over the internet), and give you a few good therapists to visit, if it strikes you to do so.
You MUST be strong. I know it's difficult to think for one minute that this will ever get any better. But it CAN, and it WILL. I'm proof.
Kathrin74
12-16-2004, 05:56 PM
Hello there,
OCD is very tricky in taking any kind of relieving thought you come up with and making a new obsession out of it. As you say, it may make you fear that by accepting the thoughts, you may start to like them. But that's the OCD talking!
Oh yeah, what you describe definitely sounds like OCD to me. These intrusive thoughts are one of the major forms of OCD. You are not alone!
What have you veen self-medicating with?
Please do talk to a professional. Preferrably somebody who specializes in OCD or anxiety disorders.
Kathrin
OCD is very tricky in taking any kind of relieving thought you come up with and making a new obsession out of it. As you say, it may make you fear that by accepting the thoughts, you may start to like them. But that's the OCD talking!
Oh yeah, what you describe definitely sounds like OCD to me. These intrusive thoughts are one of the major forms of OCD. You are not alone!
What have you veen self-medicating with?
Please do talk to a professional. Preferrably somebody who specializes in OCD or anxiety disorders.
Kathrin
fm5
12-16-2004, 06:27 PM
It sounds like you have o.c.d.
I would say though that you shouldn't order prescriptions online. Try and go to your psychiatrist and get them there. You just never really know what you might be getting online or if they are safe.
As far as the harming obsessions, they are very common to o.c.ders.
My quote from the "violent obsessions" thread:
There is a particular case in Edna Foa's book "Stop Obsessing" about a guy who had these thoughts regarding his daughter. Get the book and read it!
What Edna Foa suggests is to actually picture the outcome of your actions in your mind. An example would be:
I am now in the Courtroom. Everyone I know is staring at me horribly. My family thinks I am a dirtbag for doing this. I have alienated all of my family and friends forever. It is now in all of the newspapers and everyone knows about what I did. I will go to jail where I will be by all alone and where I will probably be abused. I will then go to hell where I will be tortured forever, etc.
Go into all the horrid details of what would happen to you - this is important (the more details the better). I only wrote a few sentences. You can write paragraphs! Write them down or record it. AND GO OVER AND OVER IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. Do this every day for at least one hour and do it for a couple of weeks until the obsessions fades (it may take weeks or months, but it does fade.) You will soon see how totally absurd these thoughts truly are and they will lose their sting on you. If the obsession comes back, just keep doing this.
I would say though that you shouldn't order prescriptions online. Try and go to your psychiatrist and get them there. You just never really know what you might be getting online or if they are safe.
As far as the harming obsessions, they are very common to o.c.ders.
My quote from the "violent obsessions" thread:
There is a particular case in Edna Foa's book "Stop Obsessing" about a guy who had these thoughts regarding his daughter. Get the book and read it!
What Edna Foa suggests is to actually picture the outcome of your actions in your mind. An example would be:
I am now in the Courtroom. Everyone I know is staring at me horribly. My family thinks I am a dirtbag for doing this. I have alienated all of my family and friends forever. It is now in all of the newspapers and everyone knows about what I did. I will go to jail where I will be by all alone and where I will probably be abused. I will then go to hell where I will be tortured forever, etc.
Go into all the horrid details of what would happen to you - this is important (the more details the better). I only wrote a few sentences. You can write paragraphs! Write them down or record it. AND GO OVER AND OVER IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. Do this every day for at least one hour and do it for a couple of weeks until the obsessions fades (it may take weeks or months, but it does fade.) You will soon see how totally absurd these thoughts truly are and they will lose their sting on you. If the obsession comes back, just keep doing this.