Smartcookie
11-15-2004, 09:13 PM
:( Ive posted here before, but it somehow got erased. I cannot understand why my husband STILL says " I am sorry for the way you feel" yet still continues to do things that hurt me. Does he say it to shut me up? Does he honestly think he is not hurting me, when i say that i feel hurt when he does certain things? I have tried to explain to him that i think i started developing a strong OCD regarding him and his past women-encounters and also due to many present situations. I explained the fact that the whole time in which we dated,(whether or not it was intentional) that he made me feel worthless, and that other women around us were always more beautiful, more interesting, more worth gawking at than his date (whom he claims he loves). Its not like i started a fight with him right off the bat, i would actually ask him what he was looking at, and why? Then i would say, its not to be controlling but i have this thing where, when you ignore me, and you focus on other women, it absolutely kills me inside. He would just deny deny deny.
I obsess over things that i have found in his house, his car, what he did, (both before we were dating and while we were dating and NOW).........Its like, i cannot win with my own husband.
I feel like he thinks that everytime I express to him that i feel so down and depressed, that he thinks this is a game, and attention-getter on my part and i do it for entertainment.(oh yah, i love making myself feel horrible and love stepping on my self esteem--if i have any left). :(
I was never denied any attention growing up, i never had a 'wierd' relationship with my parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles, or whatever that scarred me. Nothing like that, so , was it all caused by my then-boyfriend, now-husbands 'loose' womanizing life-style??
Ive often explained to him, maybe some women could handle this, but i cannot. He seems to be fine with it and sympathize with my situation, but then its like we never ever talked, cause he goes and does something else!!!
A few things he's done; 1) i found nude playing cards in his bedroom, then claimed they werent his, 2)bought an airfreshner with 3 nude women on it, then SAVED it in a box when the smell ran out 3) kept rings, pendants, keychains w/pics of his ex and other gifts from past gilrfiends around the house.
4)Never stood up for me when his family trampled all over me, claiming i was too different for him and his family(notice, he thinks i also have to make his family happy with everything i do).
5) lied to my face many times and when i asked him about the lies, he said he lied b/c of the way i am.
6)I found pics of nude women on his 'borrowed' computer, that were in his name but he claims he never ever saw them
7) called s FEMALE friend behind my back to wish her a happy New Years and tried to hide it.
8)Is always fixated on starring at the pantyhose or bra section in a department store (cause he loves legs and boobs)
9)went to strip joints and stags non-stop and then claimed he only went as a means of socializing with the "guys" and didnt really look at the strippers.
I've only written 9 things, but there are about 99... many,many,many more things that I could type, but, i dont really have the will power to sit here and write a novel about how many silly things my husband has behind his belt, and truthfully, it is making me sad and i am feeling very low. :o
Other guys give me lots of attention, i have gotten complimented thru my whole life on people saying i am very pretty, i have beautiful hair, gorgeous eyes a great personality. I have had guys even say I was HOT (and i didnt like it very much, at clubs, when guys ogled me, i would like it for about 5 minutes, then it would creep me out and i would leave or walk away). I was even harassed at work by a male who was a bit too much into women...so its not like someone has called me ugly, or i was tormented in school or whatever. My ex even said i was the prettiest woman he ever laid eyes on! (yes, that mightve been a line, but, i am trying to show, i wasnt in any bad relationships).
Its this whole thing with my husband and how he has been obsessed with women, and now i am obsessed with that thought.
Is this OCD , and if not, what the heck is it? How do i prove to my husband i don't want to hurt him by constantly bringing this up, but his past and PRESENT actions hurt me in the worst way??? I feel like i am a piece of garbage and he doesnt even care.
Please help me anyone.
I obsess over things that i have found in his house, his car, what he did, (both before we were dating and while we were dating and NOW).........Its like, i cannot win with my own husband.
I feel like he thinks that everytime I express to him that i feel so down and depressed, that he thinks this is a game, and attention-getter on my part and i do it for entertainment.(oh yah, i love making myself feel horrible and love stepping on my self esteem--if i have any left). :(
I was never denied any attention growing up, i never had a 'wierd' relationship with my parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles, or whatever that scarred me. Nothing like that, so , was it all caused by my then-boyfriend, now-husbands 'loose' womanizing life-style??
Ive often explained to him, maybe some women could handle this, but i cannot. He seems to be fine with it and sympathize with my situation, but then its like we never ever talked, cause he goes and does something else!!!
A few things he's done; 1) i found nude playing cards in his bedroom, then claimed they werent his, 2)bought an airfreshner with 3 nude women on it, then SAVED it in a box when the smell ran out 3) kept rings, pendants, keychains w/pics of his ex and other gifts from past gilrfiends around the house.
4)Never stood up for me when his family trampled all over me, claiming i was too different for him and his family(notice, he thinks i also have to make his family happy with everything i do).
5) lied to my face many times and when i asked him about the lies, he said he lied b/c of the way i am.
6)I found pics of nude women on his 'borrowed' computer, that were in his name but he claims he never ever saw them
7) called s FEMALE friend behind my back to wish her a happy New Years and tried to hide it.
8)Is always fixated on starring at the pantyhose or bra section in a department store (cause he loves legs and boobs)
9)went to strip joints and stags non-stop and then claimed he only went as a means of socializing with the "guys" and didnt really look at the strippers.
I've only written 9 things, but there are about 99... many,many,many more things that I could type, but, i dont really have the will power to sit here and write a novel about how many silly things my husband has behind his belt, and truthfully, it is making me sad and i am feeling very low. :o
Other guys give me lots of attention, i have gotten complimented thru my whole life on people saying i am very pretty, i have beautiful hair, gorgeous eyes a great personality. I have had guys even say I was HOT (and i didnt like it very much, at clubs, when guys ogled me, i would like it for about 5 minutes, then it would creep me out and i would leave or walk away). I was even harassed at work by a male who was a bit too much into women...so its not like someone has called me ugly, or i was tormented in school or whatever. My ex even said i was the prettiest woman he ever laid eyes on! (yes, that mightve been a line, but, i am trying to show, i wasnt in any bad relationships).
Its this whole thing with my husband and how he has been obsessed with women, and now i am obsessed with that thought.
Is this OCD , and if not, what the heck is it? How do i prove to my husband i don't want to hurt him by constantly bringing this up, but his past and PRESENT actions hurt me in the worst way??? I feel like i am a piece of garbage and he doesnt even care.
Please help me anyone.
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marich101
11-15-2004, 10:37 PM
Heck. I'd lie to you too or ar least not be completely honest if everytime I did you went into a ranting raving fit.
Give the guy a break
Give the guy a break
LittleRose1982
11-15-2004, 10:38 PM
Honey! You are TORTURING yourself! :(
I know, I do the same thing. You have to find a way of controlling the demons in your head. Granted, your husband should not be doing these things when he knows how much it upsets you. In my opinion, men can refrain from their lustful impulses out of respect for their wives/girlfriends. It's not out of their control. I know you mentioned that he tries to help you, but actions speak louder than words and he's obviously not doing a good job of helping you. How recent are those things that you listed? Were they things that happened a long time ago? Are you just holding on to them still?
Sadly, other women are not going to go away. There is nothing you can do to control their existance. All you can control is your perception and your reaction to them. Start by accepting that. Because even if your husband starts truly respecting you and stops looking at nude pictures, there are always going to be pretty actresses in bikinis on TV and you KNOW that's still going to upset you. And he obviously can't be expected to leave the room when one of them comes on the screen.
Do you compare yourself to these other women? Do you wish you looked different? More like them? If so, then your problem is rooted in self-esteem and a lack of understanding that men CAN be attracted to other women but be head over heals in love with you and think you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth.
I know I sound hypocritical because I do the same thing (actually my OCD is more of a paranoia that he is cheating on me and an obsession with catching him in the act... to the point where I find myself thinking of doing insane things). But I'm working very hard at "exercising" my brain into switching from negative thinking to positive thinking. It's not easy, but you have to keep working at it. Just like a muscle, it takes time to become strong. Take little steps to control these thoughts. While your husband could be meeting you halfway by improving his behavior, you still have to do your part and come your half of the way.
I am with you, sister. My heart goes out to you. Hopefully we can help heal each other with whatever positive energy we have left. Keep me posted and God bless.
I know, I do the same thing. You have to find a way of controlling the demons in your head. Granted, your husband should not be doing these things when he knows how much it upsets you. In my opinion, men can refrain from their lustful impulses out of respect for their wives/girlfriends. It's not out of their control. I know you mentioned that he tries to help you, but actions speak louder than words and he's obviously not doing a good job of helping you. How recent are those things that you listed? Were they things that happened a long time ago? Are you just holding on to them still?
Sadly, other women are not going to go away. There is nothing you can do to control their existance. All you can control is your perception and your reaction to them. Start by accepting that. Because even if your husband starts truly respecting you and stops looking at nude pictures, there are always going to be pretty actresses in bikinis on TV and you KNOW that's still going to upset you. And he obviously can't be expected to leave the room when one of them comes on the screen.
Do you compare yourself to these other women? Do you wish you looked different? More like them? If so, then your problem is rooted in self-esteem and a lack of understanding that men CAN be attracted to other women but be head over heals in love with you and think you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth.
I know I sound hypocritical because I do the same thing (actually my OCD is more of a paranoia that he is cheating on me and an obsession with catching him in the act... to the point where I find myself thinking of doing insane things). But I'm working very hard at "exercising" my brain into switching from negative thinking to positive thinking. It's not easy, but you have to keep working at it. Just like a muscle, it takes time to become strong. Take little steps to control these thoughts. While your husband could be meeting you halfway by improving his behavior, you still have to do your part and come your half of the way.
I am with you, sister. My heart goes out to you. Hopefully we can help heal each other with whatever positive energy we have left. Keep me posted and God bless.
LittleRose1982
11-15-2004, 10:39 PM
Heck. I'd lie to you too or ar least not be completely honest if everytime I did you went into a ranting raving fit.
Give the guy a break
This is a board for OCD. She is honestly suffering from her thoughts. If she could, she would give him a break. Give HER a break and try to help her.
Give the guy a break
This is a board for OCD. She is honestly suffering from her thoughts. If she could, she would give him a break. Give HER a break and try to help her.
Smartcookie
11-17-2004, 09:29 PM
I am assuming marich101 is male. I have no comments for what you said.
As for LittleRose, you are right, this is a board for OCD and i do need help with this so thank you for defending me.
There are some days when i just want to throw in the towel, and give up on him, and then there are other days in which i manage to convince myself that he is not HURTING me, its just me and my OCD that kicks into high gear, set off by the littlest thing. It really is a struggle, very good choice of words.
To answer your questions, some of those things were before he met me, and some were during, and some actions were recently. So as you can see, its not like i am just holding onto his past, its b/c some stuff creeps into the present and its horrifying to me! I never pictured this happening to me/us. I would prefer if we had financial problems over this emotional problem. That is how desperate I am to knock this thing, i cant seem to shake it. But like i said in one of my posts, i am doing much better than i was a few years ago, when i was at an alltime low and was fighting with him almost every other day. It was awful.
I still check his email, his cell phone bills, his Credit card purchases, i just have to. He has given me a few reasons not to trust his word( i caught him in 3 little lies so far-thankfully nothing to do with another female,but nonetheless, it has tarnished my already shaky trust in him).
I dont want to have to do these things, but there is always the little devil on my shoulder saying," i'd better check it out if i were you"...or "he's not telling you the whole truth".
I can honestly say that he is not into porn, or dirty mags, but he does stare at women at the stores, malls, banks, while driving, on tv, you name it, and i always catch him looking. And yes, to answer your other question, i do sometimes compare myself to them, but thats not what gets me the most. Its the fact that he says he ISNT looking at anything, that i am imagining it, and i am trying to control what he looks at. I am just trying to tell him over and over, by him starring at other beautiful women makes me feel like i am not good enough. LIke i am a piece of junk, a worthless woman.
I know in my heart he wouldnt ever cheat on me, but see, its not that. Its his fantasizing or starring at every woman but me (or so it seems) and him thinking he isnt doing anything wrong--all the while i am crying and telling him for some stupid reason it kills me.
Why dont men want to understand this?
As for LittleRose, you are right, this is a board for OCD and i do need help with this so thank you for defending me.
There are some days when i just want to throw in the towel, and give up on him, and then there are other days in which i manage to convince myself that he is not HURTING me, its just me and my OCD that kicks into high gear, set off by the littlest thing. It really is a struggle, very good choice of words.
To answer your questions, some of those things were before he met me, and some were during, and some actions were recently. So as you can see, its not like i am just holding onto his past, its b/c some stuff creeps into the present and its horrifying to me! I never pictured this happening to me/us. I would prefer if we had financial problems over this emotional problem. That is how desperate I am to knock this thing, i cant seem to shake it. But like i said in one of my posts, i am doing much better than i was a few years ago, when i was at an alltime low and was fighting with him almost every other day. It was awful.
I still check his email, his cell phone bills, his Credit card purchases, i just have to. He has given me a few reasons not to trust his word( i caught him in 3 little lies so far-thankfully nothing to do with another female,but nonetheless, it has tarnished my already shaky trust in him).
I dont want to have to do these things, but there is always the little devil on my shoulder saying," i'd better check it out if i were you"...or "he's not telling you the whole truth".
I can honestly say that he is not into porn, or dirty mags, but he does stare at women at the stores, malls, banks, while driving, on tv, you name it, and i always catch him looking. And yes, to answer your other question, i do sometimes compare myself to them, but thats not what gets me the most. Its the fact that he says he ISNT looking at anything, that i am imagining it, and i am trying to control what he looks at. I am just trying to tell him over and over, by him starring at other beautiful women makes me feel like i am not good enough. LIke i am a piece of junk, a worthless woman.
I know in my heart he wouldnt ever cheat on me, but see, its not that. Its his fantasizing or starring at every woman but me (or so it seems) and him thinking he isnt doing anything wrong--all the while i am crying and telling him for some stupid reason it kills me.
Why dont men want to understand this?
LittleRose1982
11-17-2004, 10:01 PM
Men understand very little about women! And the other way around, too. But in this case, what's not to understand? If you are outwardly telling him it bothers you, and you are VISIBLY upset because you're crying, then it certainly doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand!! He's got to control his impulse to check out other women just as you probably control yours to check out other men (at least when you are around him! :p )
How about this: You say he's not into porn or anything really dirty like that. That is one thing to be thankful of. He doesn't cheat. That's a MAJOR thing to be thankful of! Right there you've got a guy who behaves above par when compared to other guys! Most guys do look at porn, and a good percentage cheat! Don't let the negative influence of the world around you make you project a negative image onto your husband. Try viewing him for the faithful, non-dirty husband that he is. Everyone has their flaws, and just try and separate his flaw of checking out other women from all his wonderful qualities.
This is going to sound a little extreme and people might disagree with me on this, but I feel like I am no more of sound mind than you are so we are thinking alike on matters like this! What if you blatantly check out other men around him? Let him see you STARE, move your eyes up and down, stop dead in your tracks. See how it makes him feel!! Think long and hard though, because while it could turn over positive results it could also be risky because it could cause him to "fight back" by doing the same thing. But hey, he's already doing that, right?!
My latest concern is that my boyfriend wants to go visit his cousin out of state for the weekend. His cousin's wife has these friends... needless to say they are certainly not Nuns! Do I need to go into detail?? Anyway, I can't go because I have to work on Sunday. But he wants to go. I am sick to my stomach over this now because all I can think about is that these girls will spend the night at his cousin's house... and there aren't many beds to go around!!
I am torn apart too, Cookie. Just try and hang in there and think positive thoughts. About how great he is, and about the fact that you ARE making improvement! Best wishes.
How about this: You say he's not into porn or anything really dirty like that. That is one thing to be thankful of. He doesn't cheat. That's a MAJOR thing to be thankful of! Right there you've got a guy who behaves above par when compared to other guys! Most guys do look at porn, and a good percentage cheat! Don't let the negative influence of the world around you make you project a negative image onto your husband. Try viewing him for the faithful, non-dirty husband that he is. Everyone has their flaws, and just try and separate his flaw of checking out other women from all his wonderful qualities.
This is going to sound a little extreme and people might disagree with me on this, but I feel like I am no more of sound mind than you are so we are thinking alike on matters like this! What if you blatantly check out other men around him? Let him see you STARE, move your eyes up and down, stop dead in your tracks. See how it makes him feel!! Think long and hard though, because while it could turn over positive results it could also be risky because it could cause him to "fight back" by doing the same thing. But hey, he's already doing that, right?!
My latest concern is that my boyfriend wants to go visit his cousin out of state for the weekend. His cousin's wife has these friends... needless to say they are certainly not Nuns! Do I need to go into detail?? Anyway, I can't go because I have to work on Sunday. But he wants to go. I am sick to my stomach over this now because all I can think about is that these girls will spend the night at his cousin's house... and there aren't many beds to go around!!
I am torn apart too, Cookie. Just try and hang in there and think positive thoughts. About how great he is, and about the fact that you ARE making improvement! Best wishes.
Smartcookie
11-17-2004, 10:16 PM
Rose, I dont know what to tell you. I would be freaking if that was my hubby trapped with tramps all weekend! And i dont say this to make you feel worse. Honestly, its b/c i dont trust his wandering eyes. I dont need my husband constantly checking out other women.............and with no control if i wasnt around. Oh no, i would get out of work on sunday, or find a way to postpone the visit for when i was able to go.
As for your reply, you do make many valid points. I do thank God that my hubby is good to me (in every other way) and he truly loves me and i love him. But it seems that when these things happen, it doesnt matter if he handed me a million bucks, I would still wonder why he continues to hurt me.
Oh, i have done the male-starring before, but it was too late. It was after many arguements and he summed up "Youre just doing it to prove a point, you're not like that". And i am not. Not to say i dont appreciate a good looking man, i mean, i am not Hitler, i am simply saying that when he does it, it all feels dirty and kills me to no end.
Let me know what happens with Jem and the Misfits (ahahaha)
As for your reply, you do make many valid points. I do thank God that my hubby is good to me (in every other way) and he truly loves me and i love him. But it seems that when these things happen, it doesnt matter if he handed me a million bucks, I would still wonder why he continues to hurt me.
Oh, i have done the male-starring before, but it was too late. It was after many arguements and he summed up "Youre just doing it to prove a point, you're not like that". And i am not. Not to say i dont appreciate a good looking man, i mean, i am not Hitler, i am simply saying that when he does it, it all feels dirty and kills me to no end.
Let me know what happens with Jem and the Misfits (ahahaha)
LittleRose1982
11-17-2004, 10:35 PM
Lol! I actually just talked to him and I don't think he's going to go. I made sure I sounded disappointed like I would miss him all weekend, and reminded him of the things we have to do this weekend and he is 90% sure he's not even going to go. But if he does, I think it will be over. No joke. I am at my wits end, and I don't have much faith left in this relationship. I have one foot out the door because all this pain and suffering isn't worth it.
With marriage, it's different. You two have a commitment to each other to help each other out through tough times. He vowed to honor you. Where is his honor? Ask him that! You might even make him feel really guilty if you say it in a way that suggests he is violating his marriage vows! Really let him know that his wife, the one he promised to love and keep forever, the one who agreed to give her life to him, is suffering and crying inside because of something HE is doing!! What is so hard for him to understand??? I don't care what it is, if something I was doing was tearing out the heart of the man I married, I would cease and desist immediately!! No questions asked!
You are not being unreasonable. You are going through something very difficult and you need him to help you fix this. This is where he shows you what he's made of.
As for my man, I truly don't have the strength anymore. I'd feel so guilty ending things with him because I'm not even giving him a chance to help me with this. He doesn't know a thing about these thoughts. I refuse to even give him the opportunity to rise to the occasion because I am so certain he won't. That's got to mean he's not the one.
With marriage, it's different. You two have a commitment to each other to help each other out through tough times. He vowed to honor you. Where is his honor? Ask him that! You might even make him feel really guilty if you say it in a way that suggests he is violating his marriage vows! Really let him know that his wife, the one he promised to love and keep forever, the one who agreed to give her life to him, is suffering and crying inside because of something HE is doing!! What is so hard for him to understand??? I don't care what it is, if something I was doing was tearing out the heart of the man I married, I would cease and desist immediately!! No questions asked!
You are not being unreasonable. You are going through something very difficult and you need him to help you fix this. This is where he shows you what he's made of.
As for my man, I truly don't have the strength anymore. I'd feel so guilty ending things with him because I'm not even giving him a chance to help me with this. He doesn't know a thing about these thoughts. I refuse to even give him the opportunity to rise to the occasion because I am so certain he won't. That's got to mean he's not the one.
Smartcookie
11-17-2004, 10:40 PM
But how can you do that to yourself, what if he is the one and you didnt give him the opportunity to want to understand and help you? When you reply to my posts, you sound very grounded, and rational, so i think you should talk to your b/f. Just try it, see if he is shocked, or if he had some sort of idea about this problem.
I wouldve hung myself if i didnt tell my hubby about this. No, that was never an option,my feelings are too strong on this subject.
Yes, i have reminded my husb.of our vows and he belives he is doing nothing to betray me and he keeps repeating he will do anything humanly possible to help me overcome this.
When is that day coming for me?
I wouldve hung myself if i didnt tell my hubby about this. No, that was never an option,my feelings are too strong on this subject.
Yes, i have reminded my husb.of our vows and he belives he is doing nothing to betray me and he keeps repeating he will do anything humanly possible to help me overcome this.
When is that day coming for me?
LittleRose1982
11-17-2004, 10:47 PM
When he says he will do anything to help you, ask him to name a few things he's done recently to help you. That should get him thinking about the things he HASN'T done, and worse even, the things he's done to make it harder on you. When he can't think of anything, clearly lay out all the things you mentioned in your very first post on this thread (all the lies, all the times you've caught him lying and how it lowes your trust level in him, and all the times you catch him checking out other women, the nude playing cards, all that). Maybe he just needs some perspective. Maybe he honestly thinks he's helping you! Do everything you can to make it clear to him that he's NOT. Men aren't very perceptive of these things. :p
I honestly don't think I care enough about the relationship to talk to him about this. That's actually how I've always felt in this particular relationship. When I've had things on my mind, or there was an issue, the first person I run to is my best friend or my sister. Never him. And they tell me to talk to him about it and openly communicate with him, but I always just shrug it off like "eh..". I would rather give up than deal with talking to him about things. I can't believe how awful that sounds. I've never listened to myself say things like that!! Maybe I have a true fear about telling him what's on my mind.
I honestly don't think I care enough about the relationship to talk to him about this. That's actually how I've always felt in this particular relationship. When I've had things on my mind, or there was an issue, the first person I run to is my best friend or my sister. Never him. And they tell me to talk to him about it and openly communicate with him, but I always just shrug it off like "eh..". I would rather give up than deal with talking to him about things. I can't believe how awful that sounds. I've never listened to myself say things like that!! Maybe I have a true fear about telling him what's on my mind.
Cowguy22
11-17-2004, 11:24 PM
Look do you love your husband i guess you do since he is your husband there had to be something there that clicked the thing is if you love him the you should excepts his vaults and love him no matter what. But if he hits you then thats something different get him locked up for couple months and hell straighten up excpectially when he becomes someones ***.
Smartcookie
11-18-2004, 10:37 PM
Cowguy22, i appreciate your input, and i do accept his faults (he has many others, as do I ) however this is not just something that irritates me, like him not closing the toothpaste tube. No, this is something more, its an emotional disturbance, a sickening feeling that seems to lasts forever, that is the reason for my pleading for answers and help. If i thought i could kick this in one week, believe me, it would have been gone IONS ago. I still do try my mightiest, but one cannot win when someone keeps stepping on you. Understand?
For the record, my husband has NEVER ever hit me! Not even threatened, or dreamed about it! That is the last of my worries, he is not that type of guy. He gets angry, but I fear i get angrier than him, and our abuse is more mental (some say that is worse) but its not to the point where its intentional and we stay together to hurt eachother. There is no other man for me on this earth & my husband says the same about me.
Nevertheless, we struggle with this problem.
LittleRose, i am back to you. I have explained many many times that he seems to not be hepling at all, that when he is making 'progress' shall-we-say that something stupid happens and it all goes down the drain and we are at square one. Its like we start from scratch almost. And i do from time to time bring up all the old **** that has happened between us and it drives him insane. He says lets deal with this, not with what happened 4 years ago or whatever. But to me, what happened today, is LINKED to the behaviour of what happened 4 years ago and in my mind, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW AND IN THE FUTURE. THis is the problem, the fear.
I am sorry that you feel that way about your b/f. If that is the case, may i suggest , please end it now and save your sanity. Dont give yourself ulcers over whether or not today is the day you will catch him cheating on you. You seem to have made up your mind, on how much you care for this guy, and if what you wrote is accurate, then LIttleRose, its time to take care of LIttleRose. Heal yourself first, before you go absolutely nuts.
:) Again, thanks for your replies....i am always waiting.
For the record, my husband has NEVER ever hit me! Not even threatened, or dreamed about it! That is the last of my worries, he is not that type of guy. He gets angry, but I fear i get angrier than him, and our abuse is more mental (some say that is worse) but its not to the point where its intentional and we stay together to hurt eachother. There is no other man for me on this earth & my husband says the same about me.
Nevertheless, we struggle with this problem.
LittleRose, i am back to you. I have explained many many times that he seems to not be hepling at all, that when he is making 'progress' shall-we-say that something stupid happens and it all goes down the drain and we are at square one. Its like we start from scratch almost. And i do from time to time bring up all the old **** that has happened between us and it drives him insane. He says lets deal with this, not with what happened 4 years ago or whatever. But to me, what happened today, is LINKED to the behaviour of what happened 4 years ago and in my mind, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW AND IN THE FUTURE. THis is the problem, the fear.
I am sorry that you feel that way about your b/f. If that is the case, may i suggest , please end it now and save your sanity. Dont give yourself ulcers over whether or not today is the day you will catch him cheating on you. You seem to have made up your mind, on how much you care for this guy, and if what you wrote is accurate, then LIttleRose, its time to take care of LIttleRose. Heal yourself first, before you go absolutely nuts.
:) Again, thanks for your replies....i am always waiting.
LittleRose1982
11-18-2004, 10:57 PM
Hey Cookie
I have been back and forth all day on this issue. Even last night after I posted, all I wanted to do when I got to his house was talk to him about how I couldn't be with him anymore because I didn't like the person I am turning into when I'm with him. But I couldn't because I had told him I'd bring him to drop his car off at the dealership for a repair this morning. If I break it off with him, it can't be when we have an errand to run the next day. I've got to just be able to get up and leave the house afterwards.
It's so hard though because a huge part of me is saying "NO, do NOT destroy something good in your life over this. OVERCOME this." I want the strength to fight the devil in my head, I just don't know where to look for it. Talking to him about it seems like it's not the answer. I just can't see it ever happening. I see it as if I do talk to him about it, by the end of the conversation one of us will have ended the relationship. And I'm just not 100% sure that's what I want to do right now. There are times when I just feel so happy and safe with him and I KNOW he is a good guy and I KNOW he won't cheat or be dishonest. I just want a normal mind, a normal life, a normal relationship. I want to enjoy my time with him, each and every minute. Because he IS great. I'm so scared. And in pain. My anxiety/OCD kicked in extra early today. It usually starts around 2 or 3pm, like clockwork. Today it came on at around 12, which made it very hard for me to concentrate at work. Don't you wish there was a miracle pill we could take to make this stop???
I'm thinking of trying Kava Kava. I've heard it's great for anxiety. And I know that my anxiety causes my OCD. No question. I'll probably end up picking up a bottle tomorrow afternoon. I will let you know if it helps me at all.
Until later...
Rosie
I have been back and forth all day on this issue. Even last night after I posted, all I wanted to do when I got to his house was talk to him about how I couldn't be with him anymore because I didn't like the person I am turning into when I'm with him. But I couldn't because I had told him I'd bring him to drop his car off at the dealership for a repair this morning. If I break it off with him, it can't be when we have an errand to run the next day. I've got to just be able to get up and leave the house afterwards.
It's so hard though because a huge part of me is saying "NO, do NOT destroy something good in your life over this. OVERCOME this." I want the strength to fight the devil in my head, I just don't know where to look for it. Talking to him about it seems like it's not the answer. I just can't see it ever happening. I see it as if I do talk to him about it, by the end of the conversation one of us will have ended the relationship. And I'm just not 100% sure that's what I want to do right now. There are times when I just feel so happy and safe with him and I KNOW he is a good guy and I KNOW he won't cheat or be dishonest. I just want a normal mind, a normal life, a normal relationship. I want to enjoy my time with him, each and every minute. Because he IS great. I'm so scared. And in pain. My anxiety/OCD kicked in extra early today. It usually starts around 2 or 3pm, like clockwork. Today it came on at around 12, which made it very hard for me to concentrate at work. Don't you wish there was a miracle pill we could take to make this stop???
I'm thinking of trying Kava Kava. I've heard it's great for anxiety. And I know that my anxiety causes my OCD. No question. I'll probably end up picking up a bottle tomorrow afternoon. I will let you know if it helps me at all.
Until later...
Rosie
Smartcookie
11-18-2004, 11:23 PM
LittleRose, if you admit he is a great guy, DONT let him go. Look, in this world, good 'people' seem to be rare (not to be pessimistic) but it seems society is going down the drain. SO if you honestly in your heart feel he is a good guy, you OWE him the explaination and honesty of telling him what is going on. If he were suffering from some sort of ailment, would you want him to hide it from you, or give you the chance to help and understand, or simply, to KNOW about it? Please, consider telling this fellow. I know i would slay myself or my man if i kept all this inside.
Just like alcoholics, until you SAY it to another,that you have this problem (and not only us on this board) it is a step in the right direction.
Please consider telling him something about your OCD. You dont have to launch into a full-fledged detailed account of every thought youve ever had, but introduce the notion that you have this problem.
Just like alcoholics, until you SAY it to another,that you have this problem (and not only us on this board) it is a step in the right direction.
Please consider telling him something about your OCD. You dont have to launch into a full-fledged detailed account of every thought youve ever had, but introduce the notion that you have this problem.
faeriegirl25
11-19-2004, 12:31 AM
I think maybe I have just found the answers that I am looking for. I too am dealing with the exact thoughts and feelings about my boyfriend. Our relationship is really starting to suffer, bec I have become obsessed with the fact that he oogled at other women in the past( and I compare myself to them) bec I think that his eyes should be on me oogling over me.... I'm not a complete dog. I have caught him talking to women online, looking at porn ( in front of me) and when I ask him for an explanation as to why he has to hurt me, he says " I never meant to", or " I wasn't thinking"... I know how you feel when you say you are about to throw in the towel. I've went as far as making him remove all of the women on his friends list, in his email, and not watching porn. Even after all of this, I am still ranting and raving and about to leave. He has apologized and promised to treat me better.. but he keeps doing the same thing.. looking at women. I've become a terrible person because of all of it. Its not really about him looking at them.. its the fact that he has the thought to look at them, whats stopping him from touching them? We don't do anything together anymore and I know its because he is tired of being accused all of the time.. not even t.v., its come to that. Yes, my boyfriend has lied to me, and has done so more than once. When I ask him why he lies to me, he says that its because I get him all flustered and he can't think straight... which makes me more ANGRY.
I have been accused of being jealous, paranoid, selfish and yes, even controlling. I cannot help myself....
So he's stopped doing the things that have hurt me and I am still hurt by the past.. we are now fighting about what he has done to me.. I blame him for my insanity, if he only hadn't hurt me like he did.. only if he hadn't ruined my trust in him then maybe we wouldn't be in the place that we are in now. I am still hurt and still angry.. whenever I see a half-dressed woman on televison and he may not be in the room, I still feel hurt because I know he likes looking at that kind of thing.. and I take it out on him. I only wish I had more wisdom to help.. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way..sometimes it helps if we all can pull together for support.
Take Care
I have been accused of being jealous, paranoid, selfish and yes, even controlling. I cannot help myself....
So he's stopped doing the things that have hurt me and I am still hurt by the past.. we are now fighting about what he has done to me.. I blame him for my insanity, if he only hadn't hurt me like he did.. only if he hadn't ruined my trust in him then maybe we wouldn't be in the place that we are in now. I am still hurt and still angry.. whenever I see a half-dressed woman on televison and he may not be in the room, I still feel hurt because I know he likes looking at that kind of thing.. and I take it out on him. I only wish I had more wisdom to help.. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way..sometimes it helps if we all can pull together for support.
Take Care
marich101
11-20-2004, 03:18 AM
I am assuming marich101 is male. I have no comments for what you said.
As for LittleRose, you are right, this is a board for OCD and i do need help with this so thank you for defending me.
There are some days when i just want to throw in the towel, and give up on him, and then there are other days in which i manage to convince myself that he is not HURTING me, its just me and my OCD that kicks into high gear, set off by the littlest thing. It really is a struggle, very good choice of words.
To answer your questions, some of those things were before he met me, and some were during, and some actions were recently. So as you can see, its not like i am just holding onto his past, its b/c some stuff creeps into the present and its horrifying to me! I never pictured this happening to me/us. I would prefer if we had financial problems over this emotional problem. That is how desperate I am to knock this thing, i cant seem to shake it. But like i said in one of my posts, i am doing much better than i was a few years ago, when i was at an alltime low and was fighting with him almost every other day. It was awful.
I still check his email, his cell phone bills, his Credit card purchases, i just have to. He has given me a few reasons not to trust his word( i caught him in 3 little lies so far-thankfully nothing to do with another female,but nonetheless, it has tarnished my already shaky trust in him).
I dont want to have to do these things, but there is always the little devil on my shoulder saying," i'd better check it out if i were you"...or "he's not telling you the whole truth".
I can honestly say that he is not into porn, or dirty mags, but he does stare at women at the stores, malls, banks, while driving, on tv, you name it, and i always catch him looking. And yes, to answer your other question, i do sometimes compare myself to them, but thats not what gets me the most. Its the fact that he says he ISNT looking at anything, that i am imagining it, and i am trying to control what he looks at. I am just trying to tell him over and over, by him starring at other beautiful women makes me feel like i am not good enough. LIke i am a piece of junk, a worthless woman.
I know in my heart he wouldnt ever cheat on me, but see, its not that. Its his fantasizing or starring at every woman but me (or so it seems) and him thinking he isnt doing anything wrong--all the while i am crying and telling him for some stupid reason it kills me.
Why dont men want to understand this?
Thank you for showing your respect and keeping your comments to yourself. Making the assumption that I was male was incorrect, basically just a kindhearted female who made a wrong turn and ended up on the wrong board and commenting on something I knew nothing about. Sorry if I offended any one will be more careful in the future.
Thanx
Marilyn
As for LittleRose, you are right, this is a board for OCD and i do need help with this so thank you for defending me.
There are some days when i just want to throw in the towel, and give up on him, and then there are other days in which i manage to convince myself that he is not HURTING me, its just me and my OCD that kicks into high gear, set off by the littlest thing. It really is a struggle, very good choice of words.
To answer your questions, some of those things were before he met me, and some were during, and some actions were recently. So as you can see, its not like i am just holding onto his past, its b/c some stuff creeps into the present and its horrifying to me! I never pictured this happening to me/us. I would prefer if we had financial problems over this emotional problem. That is how desperate I am to knock this thing, i cant seem to shake it. But like i said in one of my posts, i am doing much better than i was a few years ago, when i was at an alltime low and was fighting with him almost every other day. It was awful.
I still check his email, his cell phone bills, his Credit card purchases, i just have to. He has given me a few reasons not to trust his word( i caught him in 3 little lies so far-thankfully nothing to do with another female,but nonetheless, it has tarnished my already shaky trust in him).
I dont want to have to do these things, but there is always the little devil on my shoulder saying," i'd better check it out if i were you"...or "he's not telling you the whole truth".
I can honestly say that he is not into porn, or dirty mags, but he does stare at women at the stores, malls, banks, while driving, on tv, you name it, and i always catch him looking. And yes, to answer your other question, i do sometimes compare myself to them, but thats not what gets me the most. Its the fact that he says he ISNT looking at anything, that i am imagining it, and i am trying to control what he looks at. I am just trying to tell him over and over, by him starring at other beautiful women makes me feel like i am not good enough. LIke i am a piece of junk, a worthless woman.
I know in my heart he wouldnt ever cheat on me, but see, its not that. Its his fantasizing or starring at every woman but me (or so it seems) and him thinking he isnt doing anything wrong--all the while i am crying and telling him for some stupid reason it kills me.
Why dont men want to understand this?
Thank you for showing your respect and keeping your comments to yourself. Making the assumption that I was male was incorrect, basically just a kindhearted female who made a wrong turn and ended up on the wrong board and commenting on something I knew nothing about. Sorry if I offended any one will be more careful in the future.
Thanx
Marilyn
Smartcookie
11-20-2004, 12:25 PM
faerie25, thank you for your comments,and yes, it does wonders to know that others are out there with the same problem (not that i am happy that you have this problem!).
I hope you continue to post on this thread and help out myself, LittleRose and yourself thru sharing views, feelings, emotions, and fears.
LittleRose, i must admit, i've never heard of Kava Kava, but also, i would live to control this OCD on my own, with out the use of any chemicals, drugs, or whatever. I mean, i've had it probably longer than 5 years, and have done without, so, that is like a last resort.
BUt please let me know if it helps you at all, its something to consider in future, should this all be the same a year or 2 from now...............:(
I hope you continue to post on this thread and help out myself, LittleRose and yourself thru sharing views, feelings, emotions, and fears.
LittleRose, i must admit, i've never heard of Kava Kava, but also, i would live to control this OCD on my own, with out the use of any chemicals, drugs, or whatever. I mean, i've had it probably longer than 5 years, and have done without, so, that is like a last resort.
BUt please let me know if it helps you at all, its something to consider in future, should this all be the same a year or 2 from now...............:(
LittleRose1982
11-20-2004, 04:13 PM
Hey guys. I'm still fighting for my relationship, and I think I may have made some progress last night.
We were at a party. And of couse, halfway through, I started getting all quiet and upset with him like I always do. This really hurts him and drives him crazy but I simply can't stop doing it. I give him looks like I'm mad at him for no reason at all, and I basically ignore him. He tries to touch me, tickle me, talk to me, and I just turn away like he's not even there. And normally, by the end of the night I am saying things suggesting that I want to break up. I just get so exhausted when in a social situation because I have to concentrate so hard on not getting upset and not losing my composure. It's very difficult for me. I never have these problems when we are alone together. Only when surrounded by other people. Anyway, it got to the point last night where I actually told him "I don't think it's going to work". He got all upset and was asking me why I felt that way because he didn't think there was any problem with our relationship whatsoever (when I get upset at parties, he thinks it's just social anxiety and it has nothing to do with him- and by the next day we are fine). So I opened up and told him I didn't feel safe and secure in the relationship because he's broken it off with me twice. I told him that took the wind out of the sails and it's going to take some time for me to feel secure again. I didn't tell him everything about my thoughts, but I did take a baby step. And it was an important one. Now he's aware that I have doubts and insecurities in the relationship. He said he wished he knew how to make it clear to me that things are different now and that he's not going anywhere. I don't know if there's anything he CAN do.
I'm going to try to look for some books on OCD that recommend specific "exercises" or behaviors that might help me combat this. I will let you guys know if I find any good ideas.
And to Marich101, thank you for the sincere appology.
We were at a party. And of couse, halfway through, I started getting all quiet and upset with him like I always do. This really hurts him and drives him crazy but I simply can't stop doing it. I give him looks like I'm mad at him for no reason at all, and I basically ignore him. He tries to touch me, tickle me, talk to me, and I just turn away like he's not even there. And normally, by the end of the night I am saying things suggesting that I want to break up. I just get so exhausted when in a social situation because I have to concentrate so hard on not getting upset and not losing my composure. It's very difficult for me. I never have these problems when we are alone together. Only when surrounded by other people. Anyway, it got to the point last night where I actually told him "I don't think it's going to work". He got all upset and was asking me why I felt that way because he didn't think there was any problem with our relationship whatsoever (when I get upset at parties, he thinks it's just social anxiety and it has nothing to do with him- and by the next day we are fine). So I opened up and told him I didn't feel safe and secure in the relationship because he's broken it off with me twice. I told him that took the wind out of the sails and it's going to take some time for me to feel secure again. I didn't tell him everything about my thoughts, but I did take a baby step. And it was an important one. Now he's aware that I have doubts and insecurities in the relationship. He said he wished he knew how to make it clear to me that things are different now and that he's not going anywhere. I don't know if there's anything he CAN do.
I'm going to try to look for some books on OCD that recommend specific "exercises" or behaviors that might help me combat this. I will let you guys know if I find any good ideas.
And to Marich101, thank you for the sincere appology.
Smartcookie
11-21-2004, 07:56 PM
At least you have introduced the idea of letting him know something is up.
Gosh, we live in parallel universes! I too give my hubby all sorts of looks, indicating that he has done something thats a no-no, and we always seem to disagree in public situations as well. I mean, at home, there is always the issue of watching stupid shows, such as WWF and the ridiculous notion that the females on there, are actually trying to wrestle! Like Please ! They are there for eye-candy! We have arguements over and over, cause i think he watches it for them, and he says "whatever, i dont even think women should be in wrestling at all!"......Sure sure. Anyhow, it seems like anytime we are at a restaurant, movie theatre, coffee shop, shopping mall, you name it, there always seems to be a 'problem'. Its almost to the point where i DREAD going out in public cause i know we will eventually get into it.
So what happend at the party, for you to start getting all quiet on him, was he looking at a girl? Was he ignoring you?
Let me know what else happens.
Cheers.
Gosh, we live in parallel universes! I too give my hubby all sorts of looks, indicating that he has done something thats a no-no, and we always seem to disagree in public situations as well. I mean, at home, there is always the issue of watching stupid shows, such as WWF and the ridiculous notion that the females on there, are actually trying to wrestle! Like Please ! They are there for eye-candy! We have arguements over and over, cause i think he watches it for them, and he says "whatever, i dont even think women should be in wrestling at all!"......Sure sure. Anyhow, it seems like anytime we are at a restaurant, movie theatre, coffee shop, shopping mall, you name it, there always seems to be a 'problem'. Its almost to the point where i DREAD going out in public cause i know we will eventually get into it.
So what happend at the party, for you to start getting all quiet on him, was he looking at a girl? Was he ignoring you?
Let me know what else happens.
Cheers.
LittleRose1982
11-22-2004, 05:59 PM
So what happend at the party, for you to start getting all quiet on him, was he looking at a girl? Was he ignoring you?
Let me know what else happens.
Cheers.
He was doing absolutely nothing at all, which is what makes me so mad at myself for acting the way I do. I just get all freaked out in social situations like those.
You might actually have a little bit of a social anxiety problem too, if you fear going out in public because of your thoughts and how you know you will behave in response to them. I fear we are on the same path- eventually leading to never leaving the house. I don't want it to come to that. My boyfriend is such a great person and I am really looking forward to spending the holidays with him, so this NEEDS to STOP. It's like sometimes when everything is okay between us, I feel like I want to break up. But then as soon as I start acting like a baby and saying things along those lines, I realize I don't mean them. But by then it's too late and I've hurt him, so I stress out fearing that he's going to leave me. This is my pattern. I've identified it, now I need to stop it.
I know what you mean about the wrestling videos. I despise them as well. You're right... the women are just eye candy. They have no other role in the so called "sport". They're just there to add to the appeal of the show to men. It's like combining all the male pleasures into one... sports, beer, and half naked women. I guess it angers me so much that men are so simple minded. They honestly don't have anything else on their minds but those things??? Come on. I find it hard to believe, but it's proven to be true every single day. It's putting an end to the idea that men can be more sophisticated than monkeys that causes women so much stress. It's just the difference in our brains. But men have exploited that notion and are using it as an excuse for poor behavior, hence the saying "I'm a guy, I can't help it!" or "It's in my nature!". Bull. Men need to stop using that excuse and start using a little more of their brains than animals. They DO have the potential.
Just ranting and raving. Hope your day is going well!
Let me know what else happens.
Cheers.
He was doing absolutely nothing at all, which is what makes me so mad at myself for acting the way I do. I just get all freaked out in social situations like those.
You might actually have a little bit of a social anxiety problem too, if you fear going out in public because of your thoughts and how you know you will behave in response to them. I fear we are on the same path- eventually leading to never leaving the house. I don't want it to come to that. My boyfriend is such a great person and I am really looking forward to spending the holidays with him, so this NEEDS to STOP. It's like sometimes when everything is okay between us, I feel like I want to break up. But then as soon as I start acting like a baby and saying things along those lines, I realize I don't mean them. But by then it's too late and I've hurt him, so I stress out fearing that he's going to leave me. This is my pattern. I've identified it, now I need to stop it.
I know what you mean about the wrestling videos. I despise them as well. You're right... the women are just eye candy. They have no other role in the so called "sport". They're just there to add to the appeal of the show to men. It's like combining all the male pleasures into one... sports, beer, and half naked women. I guess it angers me so much that men are so simple minded. They honestly don't have anything else on their minds but those things??? Come on. I find it hard to believe, but it's proven to be true every single day. It's putting an end to the idea that men can be more sophisticated than monkeys that causes women so much stress. It's just the difference in our brains. But men have exploited that notion and are using it as an excuse for poor behavior, hence the saying "I'm a guy, I can't help it!" or "It's in my nature!". Bull. Men need to stop using that excuse and start using a little more of their brains than animals. They DO have the potential.
Just ranting and raving. Hope your day is going well!
Smartcookie
11-22-2004, 11:21 PM
My goodness, the more you write, the more you remind me of myself.
I dont fear going out totally, per say, its just, when we get into arguements frequently, i am very hestitant about the next outing. Other than that, i enjoy going out and having fun with friends, and doing fun stuff. But when something along these lines recently has happned, its then that i almost DREAD even going somewhere, where i know will pose a problem.
I swear, sometimes i get mad at the male species, and take it all out on my husband! Can you believe that once we were aruging about the fact that i told him that i SAW with my own eyes, that he glanced down at a coworker of mine's chest (she was wearing a low cut dress) that he had the guts to say,"what do you want me to do, cut my eyes out of my head?!". And i retaliated with, "If thats what it takes for you to stop this glancing, and starring, then i guess, Yes! i do".....Is that the ONLY way you can control your starring????????????? What kind of an assanine answer is that? That being said, does that mean that men are INCAPABLE of NOT glancing, if they have a chest in front of them? Gimmie a total break buddy.
I swear, when i heard that comment and said my piece, i turned and walked out and said I need time to cool off before i actually start the process of carving your eyes out myself! ( Yes, i was very very angry, i know its an awful thing to say) but i back you up 100% when you say that guys RELY on that notion, that they are just doing what the male species is allowed to do, that its in their nature. Whatever. If one more person tells me that, i think i will give them piece of my mind. Enough with the excuses, just to try and get away with disrespectful, piggish behaviour. Enough!!
I dont fear going out totally, per say, its just, when we get into arguements frequently, i am very hestitant about the next outing. Other than that, i enjoy going out and having fun with friends, and doing fun stuff. But when something along these lines recently has happned, its then that i almost DREAD even going somewhere, where i know will pose a problem.
I swear, sometimes i get mad at the male species, and take it all out on my husband! Can you believe that once we were aruging about the fact that i told him that i SAW with my own eyes, that he glanced down at a coworker of mine's chest (she was wearing a low cut dress) that he had the guts to say,"what do you want me to do, cut my eyes out of my head?!". And i retaliated with, "If thats what it takes for you to stop this glancing, and starring, then i guess, Yes! i do".....Is that the ONLY way you can control your starring????????????? What kind of an assanine answer is that? That being said, does that mean that men are INCAPABLE of NOT glancing, if they have a chest in front of them? Gimmie a total break buddy.
I swear, when i heard that comment and said my piece, i turned and walked out and said I need time to cool off before i actually start the process of carving your eyes out myself! ( Yes, i was very very angry, i know its an awful thing to say) but i back you up 100% when you say that guys RELY on that notion, that they are just doing what the male species is allowed to do, that its in their nature. Whatever. If one more person tells me that, i think i will give them piece of my mind. Enough with the excuses, just to try and get away with disrespectful, piggish behaviour. Enough!!
faeriegirl25
11-25-2004, 01:59 PM
Public places have been a place for hostility for me as well. The majority of our fights have started as a result of my bf " glancing" ( which he swears he wasn't doing). Why even attempt to lie about it? I mean, I should know where his eyes were bec I am so insecure, that I watch him like a hawk( a toddler has more freedom than this man). SmartCookie, I know how you feel.. I've told my bf that I wish I could blindfold him whenever we go out.. that way I would know he WOULDN'T be looking. Ohhh, and another question, why is it when we go out, there always has to be someone there that is attractive or half dressed? Why?? I know they are unavoidable.. but geez, put some clothes on.
I have to say though.. he has made an " attempt" to stop his looking. No more porn, he rarely watches T.V.( commercials especially), or anything with half-naked women. He is focused on me when we are in the car.. now if I could only get it to stop when we are in the store. One would think that I would be satisfied by what he is doing for me bec he realizes that it hurts me.. but when I still get upset about the past or I am reminded of what he is done, he cannot understand why we are still fighting about it.
Take Care, and Happy Thanksgiving all
I have to say though.. he has made an " attempt" to stop his looking. No more porn, he rarely watches T.V.( commercials especially), or anything with half-naked women. He is focused on me when we are in the car.. now if I could only get it to stop when we are in the store. One would think that I would be satisfied by what he is doing for me bec he realizes that it hurts me.. but when I still get upset about the past or I am reminded of what he is done, he cannot understand why we are still fighting about it.
Take Care, and Happy Thanksgiving all
mike81
11-25-2004, 05:53 PM
I think your story doesn't have anything to do with OCD, it's about relationship problems, problems which seems are getting obsessive, which is normal with relationship problems. If your story is true, I think your husband is rather rude and stupid. judging from your story it seems he has you as a wife as a proxy or something. Currently I'm single and i'm of course looking at women, but I don't go to the mall just to stare at them. I mean, you don't get a girl by just staring at them, staring all the time will get you nowhere. But still if you keep saying he should not look at other women all the time, eventually he will look even more at other women. And ask yourself, and be honest: does he have a reason for longing for another?
Smartcookie
11-26-2004, 11:55 PM
mike81, were you addressing MY story or are faeriegirls? If mine, are you trying to say that I am PUSHING my husband into looking? That i give him no other choice? ( i am not attacking your comment, just trying to understand your angle).
I've never had a 'relationship' problem that would cause me to behave this way! its only when i started dating him!?! ANd its DUE to these constant situations!
According to my partner, he DOESNT ever have or want to look at another female again, that he has everything he wants in me. I belive this to some degree, but also find it to be a little exaggerated. I dont know for sure. What i am trying to say is, i totally understand that nature causes us to occasionally admire the opposite sex, its just a matter of HOW one does it, and HOW OFTEN one does it.
Now , when your partner tells you how much it hurts you when they constantly catch you with things to do with the opposite sex ( and i am not talking about a conversation with a co-worker, or e-mailing a female friend - i am talking about outright insulting your partner by seeming mesmerized by another woman's SLUTTINESS. I say Sluttiness, b/c i too admire natural beauty, in women or men) then shouldn't the other partner at least TRY and understand the reason WHY the partner feels this way?? Instead of denying everything!? I mean, if its all in the other persons head, then, still, wouldnt they want to try and RID the other person of these false thoughts, no matter what it takes?
Faeriegirl , you are not alone when you say you watch your b/f like a hawk. I too. I HAVE to, i dont WANT to, but i feel i have to. Sometimes when i 'catch' him in the act, i go " see! Right there! Who were you starring at right now??" just so he can understand what it was i was talking about right then and there.
Oh, and another thing. Whomever made up the notion to "leave the past in the past", probably had good intentions, but that is just not possible for me. I think that the past makes up who you are today. It doesnt DEFINE who you are, or who you will become, but nevertheless, it DOES have a bearing on you in your life.
Agree?
I've never had a 'relationship' problem that would cause me to behave this way! its only when i started dating him!?! ANd its DUE to these constant situations!
According to my partner, he DOESNT ever have or want to look at another female again, that he has everything he wants in me. I belive this to some degree, but also find it to be a little exaggerated. I dont know for sure. What i am trying to say is, i totally understand that nature causes us to occasionally admire the opposite sex, its just a matter of HOW one does it, and HOW OFTEN one does it.
Now , when your partner tells you how much it hurts you when they constantly catch you with things to do with the opposite sex ( and i am not talking about a conversation with a co-worker, or e-mailing a female friend - i am talking about outright insulting your partner by seeming mesmerized by another woman's SLUTTINESS. I say Sluttiness, b/c i too admire natural beauty, in women or men) then shouldn't the other partner at least TRY and understand the reason WHY the partner feels this way?? Instead of denying everything!? I mean, if its all in the other persons head, then, still, wouldnt they want to try and RID the other person of these false thoughts, no matter what it takes?
Faeriegirl , you are not alone when you say you watch your b/f like a hawk. I too. I HAVE to, i dont WANT to, but i feel i have to. Sometimes when i 'catch' him in the act, i go " see! Right there! Who were you starring at right now??" just so he can understand what it was i was talking about right then and there.
Oh, and another thing. Whomever made up the notion to "leave the past in the past", probably had good intentions, but that is just not possible for me. I think that the past makes up who you are today. It doesnt DEFINE who you are, or who you will become, but nevertheless, it DOES have a bearing on you in your life.
Agree?
faeriegirl25
11-27-2004, 08:12 PM
First of all, Mike... would you like the person you loved to do something over and over that they knew hurt you? What if your girlfriend looked at other men all of the time while you were with her, then you bring it up and you get lied to about after you seen her do it? I don't think, no I know you wouldn't like it. A relationship is built on trust and respect.. SmartCookie, LittleRose and I didn't get into our relationships feeling this way.. TRUST HAS BEEN BROKEN AT SOME POINT. Finally Mike, these boards are for people to find some refuge in.. not to be ridiculed.
SmartCookie... honestly, I think the past is my own prison, no matter what I try to do, I cannot seem to get rid of the thoughts about what he used to do..and I think that its going to drive me crazy. Our 2-year anniversary is coming up next month and I really want to go out to a nice restaurant with him.. but how am I going to enjoy myself when I'll be worried about who he is looking at? I've already given my warning to him about next friday night ( my friend wants to double date)... I told him that if he oogles over the waitress he may as well forget it, bec it'll be over between us... I can't take the hurt from it much more. How am I going to get over all of this?
Take Care
SmartCookie... honestly, I think the past is my own prison, no matter what I try to do, I cannot seem to get rid of the thoughts about what he used to do..and I think that its going to drive me crazy. Our 2-year anniversary is coming up next month and I really want to go out to a nice restaurant with him.. but how am I going to enjoy myself when I'll be worried about who he is looking at? I've already given my warning to him about next friday night ( my friend wants to double date)... I told him that if he oogles over the waitress he may as well forget it, bec it'll be over between us... I can't take the hurt from it much more. How am I going to get over all of this?
Take Care
Smartcookie
11-28-2004, 12:43 AM
Gosh, i cant count how many times i've warned my man about waitresses and hostesses etc. He always says something to the effect like,"but they are right there, right infront of my face, what do you want me to do?". My god, like, dont men get it? Why do they answer so stupidly (sorry guys, but its true in my case).
Yes, faeriegirl, you hit it on the nose. Trust WAS indeed broken, and there was cause for concern at some point in our relationships which doesnt seem to go away, thus, this constant anxiety. Just like LittleRose has said ; she is just waiting to catch her b/f in the act of cheating. Meaning, at some point, she EXCPECTS this behaviour of him , due to lack of trust. Correct?
Faerie, when you go to the restaurant next month (and you should), try and ask for an 'intimate" table away from the entrance (so you dont have to worry about him looking at every person who walks in) and try to sit him in a direction where you know he doesnt face many people.With regards to the waitresses, as long as you dont go to a nasty place, then it shouldnt be too much of a problem (decent restuarants require waitresses to dress appropraitly). I try and do this when we go out. Just last month we went to a restaurant and we asked for a 'quiet' table, which we got, and i faced the majority of the crowd, while he faced a window with the blind drawn down and a portrait behind me. I was quite comfortable. Until he got up to go to the bathroom. Then i panic , and watch him walk all the way to the bathroom and wait til he comes back, to see whom he glances at. ( i know, thats ridiculous, but hey, you understand why it happens).
What does your b/f think of your OCD? Does he think its something you do on purpose to control him? Or does he honeslty know its a real problem, and try to help you?
Cheers.
Little Rose, where are you lately?
Yes, faeriegirl, you hit it on the nose. Trust WAS indeed broken, and there was cause for concern at some point in our relationships which doesnt seem to go away, thus, this constant anxiety. Just like LittleRose has said ; she is just waiting to catch her b/f in the act of cheating. Meaning, at some point, she EXCPECTS this behaviour of him , due to lack of trust. Correct?
Faerie, when you go to the restaurant next month (and you should), try and ask for an 'intimate" table away from the entrance (so you dont have to worry about him looking at every person who walks in) and try to sit him in a direction where you know he doesnt face many people.With regards to the waitresses, as long as you dont go to a nasty place, then it shouldnt be too much of a problem (decent restuarants require waitresses to dress appropraitly). I try and do this when we go out. Just last month we went to a restaurant and we asked for a 'quiet' table, which we got, and i faced the majority of the crowd, while he faced a window with the blind drawn down and a portrait behind me. I was quite comfortable. Until he got up to go to the bathroom. Then i panic , and watch him walk all the way to the bathroom and wait til he comes back, to see whom he glances at. ( i know, thats ridiculous, but hey, you understand why it happens).
What does your b/f think of your OCD? Does he think its something you do on purpose to control him? Or does he honeslty know its a real problem, and try to help you?
Cheers.
Little Rose, where are you lately?
LittleRose1982
11-28-2004, 10:33 AM
Hey gals! Sorry I haven't been around in a few days. Half the time I'm certain I'm getting 100 times worse and my sanity is just slipping away, but then there are other times when I feel fine. Shouldn't I feel fine all the time? Isn't that something I deserve?
He just keeps disappointing me. I never really noticed how much he glances at other women until just recently! Now I notice it all the time and I just want to kick him! I feel your pain about the hostess thing. Last night we were out at a restaurant and the hostess was this cute little long haired blonde girl... really petite, tan, very cliche but pretty. And I watched his eyes as she walked by... right on her ***. It made me cry inside. Because just the other day he had the audacity to tell me he thinks I'm TOO SKINNY and I would look better if I gained 5 pounds! He told me my jeans are too baggy on the butt, and even my tight black pants are too baggy. Once again, I just wanted to run away and cry. It's like I'm not good enough, and it convinces me of that... whereas before I was dating him I was totally confident and loving life. I just feel trapped now. I can't leave him for some reason. Maybe I just feel like I don't have valid reason to leave him- he didn't really do anything wrong (which is what HE would say, and what they ALL would say). But here's the thing, and maybe you can give me some advice on this... Before I met him, I had a great apartment. All my own furniture, my decorating, MINE. It was my space and I loved it and it made my life feel whole. In the time we were together, however, my roommate moved out on me and I had to find another place becuase I couldn't afford it on my own (the roommate actually left because she was convinced my bf was cheating on me and I didn't believe her so she couldn't sit around and watch me go through this- I thought she was just jealous!). Anyway, I am now living with a friend in her 2 bedroom condo which is gorgeous but it's not mine. It's all hers. My furniture is in storage, and I feel like all I have is my bedroom. I'm not happy there and I lost that great part of my life. So if I leave him, I will have nothing. Nothing at all. I could have left him easily if I still had that apartment. Is this crazy? I just hate my life so much right now. More than ever. And it's because of him.
I don't know, I've rambled on for quite awhile. Sorry. Why must men make women feel so horrible? And where are the ones who supposedly don't? I'm losing hope...
He just keeps disappointing me. I never really noticed how much he glances at other women until just recently! Now I notice it all the time and I just want to kick him! I feel your pain about the hostess thing. Last night we were out at a restaurant and the hostess was this cute little long haired blonde girl... really petite, tan, very cliche but pretty. And I watched his eyes as she walked by... right on her ***. It made me cry inside. Because just the other day he had the audacity to tell me he thinks I'm TOO SKINNY and I would look better if I gained 5 pounds! He told me my jeans are too baggy on the butt, and even my tight black pants are too baggy. Once again, I just wanted to run away and cry. It's like I'm not good enough, and it convinces me of that... whereas before I was dating him I was totally confident and loving life. I just feel trapped now. I can't leave him for some reason. Maybe I just feel like I don't have valid reason to leave him- he didn't really do anything wrong (which is what HE would say, and what they ALL would say). But here's the thing, and maybe you can give me some advice on this... Before I met him, I had a great apartment. All my own furniture, my decorating, MINE. It was my space and I loved it and it made my life feel whole. In the time we were together, however, my roommate moved out on me and I had to find another place becuase I couldn't afford it on my own (the roommate actually left because she was convinced my bf was cheating on me and I didn't believe her so she couldn't sit around and watch me go through this- I thought she was just jealous!). Anyway, I am now living with a friend in her 2 bedroom condo which is gorgeous but it's not mine. It's all hers. My furniture is in storage, and I feel like all I have is my bedroom. I'm not happy there and I lost that great part of my life. So if I leave him, I will have nothing. Nothing at all. I could have left him easily if I still had that apartment. Is this crazy? I just hate my life so much right now. More than ever. And it's because of him.
I don't know, I've rambled on for quite awhile. Sorry. Why must men make women feel so horrible? And where are the ones who supposedly don't? I'm losing hope...
mike81
11-28-2004, 06:09 PM
please ladies, forgive me if I have offended you. It was not my intention to ridicule you, I tried to make make fun of your male partners, because it seems they are not really behaving gentleman like (understated). What strikes me as odd is that littlerose is still with her partner, as it seems clear to me he does not respect you, though leaving him seems to be a difficult option.
But what I also tried to say, which did not became clear, is that men can become as upset from women too; it works the other way around as well. I tried to inquire if there was some reason for them behaving that way, besides the explanation that 'it's just how men behave, thats in their nature'.
But what I also tried to say, which did not became clear, is that men can become as upset from women too; it works the other way around as well. I tried to inquire if there was some reason for them behaving that way, besides the explanation that 'it's just how men behave, thats in their nature'.
ocdbugsme
11-28-2004, 07:01 PM
Hi girls,
I've been reading the thread and my sympathies go out to you - for the way you are torturing yourselves.
I do not have the same paranoia about my BF but I have other OCD fears so I'm not judging you. But - I want to say. If a woman walks into a party with a low cut top, most of the men and women in the room will do a 'whoops' double take. Even if they don't mean to. Even if the women are straight.
When you go to restaraunts, your BF HAS to look at the waitress when he orders. Occasionally, I will spot an attractive woman and know that my BF has spotted her too but (thank god) I can feel strong enough to tease him about it, or let it go. I know he is not planning to be unfaithful and that is what matters most.
I bet you all are obsessed with checking out pretty women - not in a gay way - but just to find the threat before your men see them. As long as your men don't stare in a lewd or prolonged way, I would recommend you practise really hard in letting this hyper awareness go. Your men must be hyper aware too and it might make them feel cornered.
When I was younger I was so hurt at the thought of previous BF's looking at porn. Now I just don't ask. The answer lies in building up your own self esteem - this takes time. If you are continually scanning for threats from other women - who, let's face it - are everywhere; then you won't win the war.
If your men are faithful and refrain from hard staring, please don't torture yourself over the occasional glances they give other women. I think it's part of every day life.
I would recommend trying to find some good books on self esteem and relationships.
I too have worries and obsessions about my relationship, but they are somewhat different, as I have mentioned in other posts.
Build your own strength from the inside out. Not the other way around.
-ocdbugsme.
I've been reading the thread and my sympathies go out to you - for the way you are torturing yourselves.
I do not have the same paranoia about my BF but I have other OCD fears so I'm not judging you. But - I want to say. If a woman walks into a party with a low cut top, most of the men and women in the room will do a 'whoops' double take. Even if they don't mean to. Even if the women are straight.
When you go to restaraunts, your BF HAS to look at the waitress when he orders. Occasionally, I will spot an attractive woman and know that my BF has spotted her too but (thank god) I can feel strong enough to tease him about it, or let it go. I know he is not planning to be unfaithful and that is what matters most.
I bet you all are obsessed with checking out pretty women - not in a gay way - but just to find the threat before your men see them. As long as your men don't stare in a lewd or prolonged way, I would recommend you practise really hard in letting this hyper awareness go. Your men must be hyper aware too and it might make them feel cornered.
When I was younger I was so hurt at the thought of previous BF's looking at porn. Now I just don't ask. The answer lies in building up your own self esteem - this takes time. If you are continually scanning for threats from other women - who, let's face it - are everywhere; then you won't win the war.
If your men are faithful and refrain from hard staring, please don't torture yourself over the occasional glances they give other women. I think it's part of every day life.
I would recommend trying to find some good books on self esteem and relationships.
I too have worries and obsessions about my relationship, but they are somewhat different, as I have mentioned in other posts.
Build your own strength from the inside out. Not the other way around.
-ocdbugsme.
faeriegirl25
11-28-2004, 11:38 PM
My bf and I had a long talk this morning and some later on this afternoon. I told him how I felt about everything and I told him how I feel instead of blaming him for everything. Though this is not going to solve the problem, I feel that its a step.. I think he knows how serious I am about leaving him. I also mentioned to him that I did not start this relationship feeling this way.. its bec of him. He told me that when we get our own place that there will be nothing in there to remind me of what he has done to me( he admitted it again to me).. no porn, magazines, adult movies etc...
I told him all of the thoughts that I have when I see a beautiful woman.. right down to trying to avoid the thought, I mentioned that it might be OCD, and he said that whatever is wrong, whether it be him or something else that we will face it together. Yeah I am happy about all of it.. I am just left with wondering how long it will last. Now its me.. A victoria secret commercial came on today and I lost it.. I tried to bite my tongue but I couldn't. I was reminded of what happened and now I am still feeling like crap.
SmartCookie, I will take your advice and sit in a more quiet area to help ease some of my anxiety.. now when the waitress comes, I know I'll be watching him like a hawk. I told him that I would watch his every move. His response: " I don't care if you have to watch me the rest of our lives, I just don't want to hurt you again". The restaurant will be the ultimate test of our relationship.
LittleRose: I know exactly how you feel when you say you want to leave him, but feel like you have no valid reason.. but we all do. We are being constantly hurt by our partners and they are not taking responsibility for thier actions. No, they do NOT have to look, its a choice that they have. Why is it that every woman they look at is beautiful or half-dressed? The only power those women have is what is given to them by pathetic partners who can only think of themselves. It seems just like one big meat market to me... and why are we the ones left feeling like we are only scraps?
Mike, thank you for clarifying your intentions.
Take Care all
I told him all of the thoughts that I have when I see a beautiful woman.. right down to trying to avoid the thought, I mentioned that it might be OCD, and he said that whatever is wrong, whether it be him or something else that we will face it together. Yeah I am happy about all of it.. I am just left with wondering how long it will last. Now its me.. A victoria secret commercial came on today and I lost it.. I tried to bite my tongue but I couldn't. I was reminded of what happened and now I am still feeling like crap.
SmartCookie, I will take your advice and sit in a more quiet area to help ease some of my anxiety.. now when the waitress comes, I know I'll be watching him like a hawk. I told him that I would watch his every move. His response: " I don't care if you have to watch me the rest of our lives, I just don't want to hurt you again". The restaurant will be the ultimate test of our relationship.
LittleRose: I know exactly how you feel when you say you want to leave him, but feel like you have no valid reason.. but we all do. We are being constantly hurt by our partners and they are not taking responsibility for thier actions. No, they do NOT have to look, its a choice that they have. Why is it that every woman they look at is beautiful or half-dressed? The only power those women have is what is given to them by pathetic partners who can only think of themselves. It seems just like one big meat market to me... and why are we the ones left feeling like we are only scraps?
Mike, thank you for clarifying your intentions.
Take Care all
Smartcookie
11-29-2004, 10:03 PM
Hey ocdbugsme, i totally know that BOTH sexes are bound to look at someone with barely any clothes on, just b/c its a WHOA! reaction! Mine would be more,"what the ****!"............but thats just me. SO its not this that bugs me, its the fact that it happens almost everywhere we go, and too frequently to be considered 'human nature'.
Our problems with our partners on this thread stems deeper than an occasional harmless glance.
And the part about our b/f's or husbands having to look at the waitress to order is absolutely correct, but in their eyes, NOT AT THEIR CHEST, LEGS OR their BEHIND!! So that doesn't ride with me (not tryin to be mean, just tryin to say alot in few words).
And you were right on the money when you said "I bet you all are obsessed with checking out pretty women - not in a gay way - but just to find the threat before your men see them". Totally. This happens all the time.
The only 'war' i am interested in winning here is to make my husband realize that SOME curiosity is natural and indeed harmless, but when you step over a certain line CONTINUOUSLY, you have no right to be in a relationship of any sort. None. Period. :nono:
I can honestly say that yes, my hubby has no intent of cheating on me, and he doesnt do any HARD starring anymore (at least when i am not around) but that is not enough to make me drop all these years of hurt and emotional scarring. Its just not that easy. Its like someone who is an alchoholic, its gonna take a LONG time.......with alot of bumps in the road. Some people make it , some dont. I dont know which of those people i am yet. :confused:
Thanks so much for posting, you made many great points and i hope you post here again. :)
Faeriegirl25, as for you threatening your b/f about a breakup, i was there many many times. Even happened a few times. And not to discourage you or anything, but b/f (at the time- now he's my hubby) said the EXACT things to me. He would do anything, help me go anywhere, listen to me 24-7, not watch anything with women again, he would sit wherever i wanted to sit in restuarants,etc.,,..... you name it,he promised it. I must admit, for the most part, he is pretty good to me. Its those damn times when he 'goofs' up even for a second, when every bad thought comes rushing back like a waterfall just gushing right for me. Then, at that point is when i start mistrusting, start questioning what he is watching on tv and why, ask why he wants to go to this restaurant and nto that one, ask who he called that day, it snowballs into a disaster. :mad:
I too get upset and curse at the tv when i see revealing commercials, even when he's not in the room, or not home! Its that bad. I detest them!
Littlerose, what happened recently? You mentioned that you didnt realize how often he glances at women? Was it the waitress at the restaurant? If so, did you not question him then and there, saying "Ah ha! Right there, you did it again!".
About the apartment situation, i dont know what to say. I dont think you need an apartment to make you feel better, but i know where you are coming from. Can you make your bedroom feel more cosy and safe? Honestly, i dont know about that one.
You're not rambling, youre crying out for help like all of us here. :(
Our problems with our partners on this thread stems deeper than an occasional harmless glance.
And the part about our b/f's or husbands having to look at the waitress to order is absolutely correct, but in their eyes, NOT AT THEIR CHEST, LEGS OR their BEHIND!! So that doesn't ride with me (not tryin to be mean, just tryin to say alot in few words).
And you were right on the money when you said "I bet you all are obsessed with checking out pretty women - not in a gay way - but just to find the threat before your men see them". Totally. This happens all the time.
The only 'war' i am interested in winning here is to make my husband realize that SOME curiosity is natural and indeed harmless, but when you step over a certain line CONTINUOUSLY, you have no right to be in a relationship of any sort. None. Period. :nono:
I can honestly say that yes, my hubby has no intent of cheating on me, and he doesnt do any HARD starring anymore (at least when i am not around) but that is not enough to make me drop all these years of hurt and emotional scarring. Its just not that easy. Its like someone who is an alchoholic, its gonna take a LONG time.......with alot of bumps in the road. Some people make it , some dont. I dont know which of those people i am yet. :confused:
Thanks so much for posting, you made many great points and i hope you post here again. :)
Faeriegirl25, as for you threatening your b/f about a breakup, i was there many many times. Even happened a few times. And not to discourage you or anything, but b/f (at the time- now he's my hubby) said the EXACT things to me. He would do anything, help me go anywhere, listen to me 24-7, not watch anything with women again, he would sit wherever i wanted to sit in restuarants,etc.,,..... you name it,he promised it. I must admit, for the most part, he is pretty good to me. Its those damn times when he 'goofs' up even for a second, when every bad thought comes rushing back like a waterfall just gushing right for me. Then, at that point is when i start mistrusting, start questioning what he is watching on tv and why, ask why he wants to go to this restaurant and nto that one, ask who he called that day, it snowballs into a disaster. :mad:
I too get upset and curse at the tv when i see revealing commercials, even when he's not in the room, or not home! Its that bad. I detest them!
Littlerose, what happened recently? You mentioned that you didnt realize how often he glances at women? Was it the waitress at the restaurant? If so, did you not question him then and there, saying "Ah ha! Right there, you did it again!".
About the apartment situation, i dont know what to say. I dont think you need an apartment to make you feel better, but i know where you are coming from. Can you make your bedroom feel more cosy and safe? Honestly, i dont know about that one.
You're not rambling, youre crying out for help like all of us here. :(
faeriegirl25
11-30-2004, 12:55 AM
Oh my gosh.. I thought that I was nuts, about cursing those commercials even when he is not even in the room or home. I do the same when he has been doing things better to help out.. one little mess up and the whole thing happens again and sometimes I feel more angry than when it initally happened bec I feel like I did not have a chance to protect myself from him then. We got into a huge argument today and it all snowballed again.. I just wish this would all stop. Just like you said.. its going to take a long time to get over this.
Little Rose, is there anything that you can put into your room that is totally yours? Maybe a fave picture, poster, collectibles anything that you can say is all yours.. a reminder of who YOU are? In my current situation I am at my parents house, bec I lost my job last year, broke my ankle had to have screws and a plate put in, and I am still barely able to get around.... I find that if I can surround myself with what is mine I feel better. I hope that you find something that can give you some peace hun.
SmartCookie and Little Rose, anything better for you?
OCD: You do make good points, thank you for your perspective
Little Rose, is there anything that you can put into your room that is totally yours? Maybe a fave picture, poster, collectibles anything that you can say is all yours.. a reminder of who YOU are? In my current situation I am at my parents house, bec I lost my job last year, broke my ankle had to have screws and a plate put in, and I am still barely able to get around.... I find that if I can surround myself with what is mine I feel better. I hope that you find something that can give you some peace hun.
SmartCookie and Little Rose, anything better for you?
OCD: You do make good points, thank you for your perspective
beccatnbb
11-30-2004, 03:24 AM
smartcookie- just wanted to ask a quick question. Are you receiving any type of therapy or medical treatment for the struggles that you endure? Finding so many similarities with you and i and I am just curious.
:)
:)
Smartcookie
11-30-2004, 09:20 PM
I guess things are better today, and last week too. BUt i mean, these things creep up on me, and its then when things seem to start unravelling. Its in MY life all the time, but has anything happened in the past week relating to females? Nope. But tomorrow is another day. I know, bad attitude, however its hard to drop this attitude when it happens to you over and over.
Becctanbb: No, not on any medications currently (except for B/C) and no therapy. I worked at a place once where they offered free, anonymous therapy and i am kicking myself for not utilizing it then.
What is your story? Do you have the same issues as us gals on this thread? Feel free to express yourself here, i check in nightly. :)
Becctanbb: No, not on any medications currently (except for B/C) and no therapy. I worked at a place once where they offered free, anonymous therapy and i am kicking myself for not utilizing it then.
What is your story? Do you have the same issues as us gals on this thread? Feel free to express yourself here, i check in nightly. :)
faeriegirl25
11-30-2004, 11:11 PM
Let me just say, today has been the worst ever. My bf and I went grocery shopping and I watched him like a hawk... till we were walking out of the store and some female was walking in, I told him that he'd better not of looked at her or I'd go in and tell her that he was going home with her instead of me. Though it did not escalate, when we got home there was something on either VH1 or MTV and was talking about a porn star and I lost it completely.. bad fight...
When will it end
Take Care
When will it end
Take Care
LittleRose1982
12-01-2004, 07:05 PM
Hey everyone! Things are slightly better for me only because I have another major stressor in my life currently that's occupying most of my thoughts. There's not much room for the OCD and there's no time to even try and follow my boyfriend around. I'm taking a huge investments exam tomorrow for my new job and it's all I've been thinking about. My boyfriend has been supportive and loving through the past couple weeks when I've been nothing but an awful cranky witch towards him. I have no doubt, however, that come tomorrow when this test is over with, I will be right back to my old ways.
The thing about my condo... yeah it gets me down, but my bedroom is filled with all my possessions and I even put some of my things around the house (like candles, decorations, coffee mugs in the cabinets), so it's not so bad. I just make everything worse than it is in my head.
Faeriegirl, I understand your pain about the porn thing on TV. I've had an obsessive paranoia/fear about things like that for as long as I can remember. Even when I was only 19, I specifically remember laying on the couch at my boyfriends house pretending to be asleep while he was watching something on Howard Stern obviously with naked women. I just laid there and let a few tears fall down my face in silence. I don't do it anymore. I refuse. I will speak up, I don't care about the fight that results. Why should I lay there in tears?! I will embarass the hell out of my boyfriend if I find that he's looked at porn, and I will make him feel so dirty and gross for it. We don't deserve to be forced to cry in the dark... If they don't want us, they can go find a nice prostitute to suit their needs. That's my sorry attitude towards it! :p
I will post again in a little while, I'm at work now...
Till later...
The thing about my condo... yeah it gets me down, but my bedroom is filled with all my possessions and I even put some of my things around the house (like candles, decorations, coffee mugs in the cabinets), so it's not so bad. I just make everything worse than it is in my head.
Faeriegirl, I understand your pain about the porn thing on TV. I've had an obsessive paranoia/fear about things like that for as long as I can remember. Even when I was only 19, I specifically remember laying on the couch at my boyfriends house pretending to be asleep while he was watching something on Howard Stern obviously with naked women. I just laid there and let a few tears fall down my face in silence. I don't do it anymore. I refuse. I will speak up, I don't care about the fight that results. Why should I lay there in tears?! I will embarass the hell out of my boyfriend if I find that he's looked at porn, and I will make him feel so dirty and gross for it. We don't deserve to be forced to cry in the dark... If they don't want us, they can go find a nice prostitute to suit their needs. That's my sorry attitude towards it! :p
I will post again in a little while, I'm at work now...
Till later...
Smartcookie
12-02-2004, 09:30 PM
Faeriegirl, your b/f had the guts to watch such a show in front of you! My lord, if my husband did that, i would be behind bars! Man oh man. They truly do think with the other head. And thats just plain dirty, its not as if he was watching a documentary on lets say, Courteney Cox Arquette, no, its the NASTY stuff at that!
So, let me hear what his reason was for watching this filth?This had better be good.....
LittleRose i hope you did well on your exam. Unfortunatly for me, my OCD continues with or w/out other stresses present. IN fact, i think mine actually worsens or escalates when i have stress. For instance, my father just went thru major surgery and has started chemotherapy so this is something no one in myfamily has ever experienced before, and its taking a toll on my family. But, my OCD is still there, not matter what. I still have fights/disagreements about my hubbys eyes on other women, or questions as to why he was watching this show or that show.
And we must share the same brain cause i laughed out loud at your statement " If they don't want us, they can go find a nice prostitute to suit their needs." Good Lord LittleRose, i cannot count how many times i uttered this phrase. Honestly, it is both comforting and scary at the same time to know there are others out there JUST LIKE ME and goign thru the same battle.
And for the record, that is NOT a sorry attitude, that is the " i wont take this cr*p " attitude. If there are any women out there who "DONT MIND" their guys watching porn, or whatever, then, well, i must not be from the same planet cause there is not a shot in hell i will ever accept that garbage. (getting angry here).
Thank goodness for these boards........
So, let me hear what his reason was for watching this filth?This had better be good.....
LittleRose i hope you did well on your exam. Unfortunatly for me, my OCD continues with or w/out other stresses present. IN fact, i think mine actually worsens or escalates when i have stress. For instance, my father just went thru major surgery and has started chemotherapy so this is something no one in myfamily has ever experienced before, and its taking a toll on my family. But, my OCD is still there, not matter what. I still have fights/disagreements about my hubbys eyes on other women, or questions as to why he was watching this show or that show.
And we must share the same brain cause i laughed out loud at your statement " If they don't want us, they can go find a nice prostitute to suit their needs." Good Lord LittleRose, i cannot count how many times i uttered this phrase. Honestly, it is both comforting and scary at the same time to know there are others out there JUST LIKE ME and goign thru the same battle.
And for the record, that is NOT a sorry attitude, that is the " i wont take this cr*p " attitude. If there are any women out there who "DONT MIND" their guys watching porn, or whatever, then, well, i must not be from the same planet cause there is not a shot in hell i will ever accept that garbage. (getting angry here).
Thank goodness for these boards........
faeriegirl25
12-03-2004, 01:16 AM
LOL.. his reasoning for watching it?? He was checking it for a friend. Yeah the one in his pants! We have been fighting ever since I posted before. I keep asking him why he did it, I feel he is patronizing me. Why can't he just come out and say " I wanted to watch SMUT?" I can say it, why is it so hard for him to.. what to spare my feelings? Ha! he never thought of my feelings when he did it so why start now. I started to have a good day yesterday and I began remembering some of the things he did that I never thought affected me, and it snow balled. He told me one time that he had a favorite porn star, even told me her name.. I asked him about her again, and he said that he does not know who she is, never seen her before but he knows that the site he looked at did not have her on there.. now where does this make sense? Why does this still make me feel terrible. My relationship is on rocks by some trashy tramp who isn't even real.. yeah plastic, gotta love curling up to that at night.
Hope things are well ladies.
Hope things are well ladies.
Smartcookie
12-03-2004, 11:28 PM
Checking if for a friend? I wouldve smacked him a nice one, and said that was for a friend too. Whatever.Do you ever comb his room looking for stuff, and if so, how often do you find stuff? You said your anniversary is coming up? I would seriously consider if its worth having another anniversary with this fellow, if he tells you he's got a favourite PORN star. Good God.
It makes you feel terrible b/c you are a human being with feelings, and perhaps he is not.
It makes you feel terrible b/c you are a human being with feelings, and perhaps he is not.
faeriegirl25
12-04-2004, 01:47 AM
Now that my head is a little more clearer, first of all I want to say that my thoughts and are with your family, this stress must be adding more to your frustration. Today, oh today was worse then any other day I must say. We've been fighting ever since I woke up this morning. Trying to relax and find something decent to watch on t.v ( as if), and what do I see?? Tramps and Trollops. Of course I immediately lost it and started in on him. I made him look at them, and I asked " what is so hot about her?" Of course he said she was ugly and that he wasn't watching it, and I let him know that it never stopped him before. Then it got worse, after I change from that station to another, there are ten times more there. I left it there, he kept saying " change it. I don't want to watch this." I said, " NOPE, you looked at naked women in front of me and left me with no choice but to see it, so you are going to sit here and watch it too." I kept making him look at all the smut, and kept telling him how they made me feel, I was crying, then angry.... he must think I am psycho by now. Even when the storm seemed to pass over tonight, that darn Victoria Secret commercial come on.. and yep, DING! DING! Round 2. Yeah, I've went through his mail and seen his bank statements where he had bought porn on the web.. I asked him, of course, for a friend. Geez, he can sure buy the smut for them, but cannot bring me flowers or even a simple card. Then a few days later, I ask again and he denies it all.
Yeah our anniversary is coming up soon.. I don't know if we'll make it.
How are things with you SmartCookie, and Little Rose.. hope all is well
Yeah our anniversary is coming up soon.. I don't know if we'll make it.
How are things with you SmartCookie, and Little Rose.. hope all is well
Smartcookie
12-06-2004, 09:52 PM
Thanks for your kind thoughts, i need all the support i can get [even if it's kind words from a stranger :0) ].
Isnt it true? Thats all you see on the tube now, pure filth! Even the Apprentice had some chick take off her clothes to sell! What the heck is going on? All those Survivor shows, those Wrestling stations, those other reality shows, friggin dating games, my goodness, is ANY show free of nastyness???
OK, so, you found PORN purchases and you are still accepting this man? I am sorry, my two cents is, IF this guy has to buy porn to get off, then leave him to be happy with his hand and break up with him! I dont care how long you have been with him! Do a temporary separation, and see what happens!
So your hurt isnt coming out of thin air either, you HAVE something to be angry at, so why are you putting up with it? THe more you show him you will just sit there and cry, and then let more time pass, the more he will do it to you. Please, show him you are fed up and mean business once and for all, please.
Isnt it true? Thats all you see on the tube now, pure filth! Even the Apprentice had some chick take off her clothes to sell! What the heck is going on? All those Survivor shows, those Wrestling stations, those other reality shows, friggin dating games, my goodness, is ANY show free of nastyness???
OK, so, you found PORN purchases and you are still accepting this man? I am sorry, my two cents is, IF this guy has to buy porn to get off, then leave him to be happy with his hand and break up with him! I dont care how long you have been with him! Do a temporary separation, and see what happens!
So your hurt isnt coming out of thin air either, you HAVE something to be angry at, so why are you putting up with it? THe more you show him you will just sit there and cry, and then let more time pass, the more he will do it to you. Please, show him you are fed up and mean business once and for all, please.
LittleRose1982
12-06-2004, 10:15 PM
I am sorry, my two cents is, IF this guy has to buy porn to get off, then leave him to be happy with his hand and break up with him! .
You always make me laugh, Smartcookie! I totally agree. If the hand is what they want, then that's their decision. But I don't think they quite get that. When we women have a problem with it and break up with them, they whine and cry that they're not getting enough sex... but yet they're getting plenty! With themselves! So WHY COMPLAIN?
Some news... My living situation is no longer going to be a problem for me. I have taken steps to improve MY life and MY situation, and I have found a wonderful roommate who only wants half what I am paying now and I LOVE the place. It's a guy! Yep, I'm going to have a male roommate. Let's see what ole' boyfriend thinks of this one! I did talk to him about it out of respect, because I feel that's the decent thing to do. And he said he had no problem with it! It's all about trust and he says he trusts me 100% and wants what's best for me and it's obvious that this will make me happy. So I feel that no matter what happens with my relationship, I will be okay. I will no longer feel like I have "nothing" just because I'm miserable where I'm living now. He doesn't have that power over me anymore! So he can go ahead and look up porn and stare at hostesses all he wants, but he will soon find out that I won't be sticking around to watch it happen!
You always make me laugh, Smartcookie! I totally agree. If the hand is what they want, then that's their decision. But I don't think they quite get that. When we women have a problem with it and break up with them, they whine and cry that they're not getting enough sex... but yet they're getting plenty! With themselves! So WHY COMPLAIN?
Some news... My living situation is no longer going to be a problem for me. I have taken steps to improve MY life and MY situation, and I have found a wonderful roommate who only wants half what I am paying now and I LOVE the place. It's a guy! Yep, I'm going to have a male roommate. Let's see what ole' boyfriend thinks of this one! I did talk to him about it out of respect, because I feel that's the decent thing to do. And he said he had no problem with it! It's all about trust and he says he trusts me 100% and wants what's best for me and it's obvious that this will make me happy. So I feel that no matter what happens with my relationship, I will be okay. I will no longer feel like I have "nothing" just because I'm miserable where I'm living now. He doesn't have that power over me anymore! So he can go ahead and look up porn and stare at hostesses all he wants, but he will soon find out that I won't be sticking around to watch it happen!
LittleRose1982
12-06-2004, 10:20 PM
One more thing... I am so sorry to hear about your father. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, and to have this OCD still clawing at your brain... Your husband needs to be EXTRA supportive right now and not even screw around at all with this. It's about you and something stressful and emotional that you are going through. He needs to help you put your OCD on the back burner at least for awhile until you are able to manage this stress. Has he been supportive so far?
Smartcookie
12-06-2004, 10:34 PM
Sarcasm,its my way of somtimes expressing my anger. :0)
Thank you too, for your well wihes, and yes, its just another stress i have to deal with, and thats why i fear for my mental health.
Glad to hear about your new apartment......are you nervous about sharing with a guy>? Where did you come to meet him?
See, if this was me, and i was the one living with the guy, i STILL would have problems with my guy, cause i dont TRUST him around women.
Actually, my hubby has been real supportive in the last little while, he can be a downright angel sometimes, but i tell ya, its those stupid little sub-conscious slip ups that cause me grief.
I bet you your boyfriend will want to either hang out at your place alot more,or have you come over his place alot more now than usual, but thats just a guess.
DId he ask you why moving in with him was not an option or consideration?
Thank you too, for your well wihes, and yes, its just another stress i have to deal with, and thats why i fear for my mental health.
Glad to hear about your new apartment......are you nervous about sharing with a guy>? Where did you come to meet him?
See, if this was me, and i was the one living with the guy, i STILL would have problems with my guy, cause i dont TRUST him around women.
Actually, my hubby has been real supportive in the last little while, he can be a downright angel sometimes, but i tell ya, its those stupid little sub-conscious slip ups that cause me grief.
I bet you your boyfriend will want to either hang out at your place alot more,or have you come over his place alot more now than usual, but thats just a guess.
DId he ask you why moving in with him was not an option or consideration?
LittleRose1982
12-06-2004, 10:42 PM
Moving in with him is not an option for me right now only because I don't see our relationship as stable enough. I have constant doubts about being with him (though they usually seem to go away), and we have hit a couple rough patches where we broke up for a couple days (this happened twice in 10 months). I can't move in with him and risk this happening again. Plus, I really do want a place of my own. That's not realistic for me right now, which is why living with a roommate is second-best. This way I can also save for my own place. Plus, my father would have a fit if I moved in with my boyfriend before we were married. He's having a hard enough time with the male roommate thing and as it is he might not speak to me for a little while!
I'm not really nervous about living with him, he's a great guy. I met him through a friend who is his personal trainer. I work at a gym right now (for 2 more weeks and then I'm full time at the new job), and he is a member. Nice guy. I think it will work out well.
Glad to hear your husband is being supportive and caring. This is his chance to shine and to remind you why you love him and married him. I hope he continues this behavior because enough of it just might be therapeutic for you. He's got the power to make you comfortable again... he's just got to commit to using it!
I'm not really nervous about living with him, he's a great guy. I met him through a friend who is his personal trainer. I work at a gym right now (for 2 more weeks and then I'm full time at the new job), and he is a member. Nice guy. I think it will work out well.
Glad to hear your husband is being supportive and caring. This is his chance to shine and to remind you why you love him and married him. I hope he continues this behavior because enough of it just might be therapeutic for you. He's got the power to make you comfortable again... he's just got to commit to using it!
Smartcookie
12-06-2004, 10:48 PM
See this is it, i know in my heart, and all my siblings see he is a great great guy, but they dont know what is happening withthe "female" situation. I have never told them anything that has happened between us (except that if he decided to have strippers or any female at his stag, the wedding was off, THAT i said in front of everyone cause they know i dont tolerate that crap.
Aside from all his caring, loving and faithfulness, i STILL cannot let go of this "starring" problem. It just somehow overrides everything else that is positive. SOme might say, why dont you look at all the good things he stands for, and chalk that up as one of his faults, blah blah blah, but, if i could, i WOULD. It is more than just a FAULT to me, its a big HURT to me. It has become an OBSESSION...and some dont get it.
Aside from all his caring, loving and faithfulness, i STILL cannot let go of this "starring" problem. It just somehow overrides everything else that is positive. SOme might say, why dont you look at all the good things he stands for, and chalk that up as one of his faults, blah blah blah, but, if i could, i WOULD. It is more than just a FAULT to me, its a big HURT to me. It has become an OBSESSION...and some dont get it.
LittleRose1982
12-06-2004, 10:51 PM
I get it. That's why we're here on the OCD board! We both recognize that we have a problem, and it's going to be tough to fix it, but something has to be done because it's decreasing our quality of life. Just like you said, you can't see the positive things about this wonderful man you married. How painful! Does no one understand how hard that must be for you??
Sure, most people have no problem accepting faults in their spouses. But they do not suffer the way we do. They don't understand, and what they say means absolutely nothing to us.
Sure, most people have no problem accepting faults in their spouses. But they do not suffer the way we do. They don't understand, and what they say means absolutely nothing to us.
Smartcookie
12-06-2004, 10:58 PM
Precisely. You know i even had a friend try to tell me its as if i was choosing to let this bother me about him. She meant well, but i snapped on her, saying, Oh yeah, i WANT to be miserable, i am that sick that i am CHOOSING to be hurt by him. Then i can go all out and say Mickey Mouse makes me vomit every time i see him. Its that absurd of a comment! Come on, would we really do this to ourselves unless it really did kill our emotions? I think then we would need a straight jacket.
I dont blame people if they just say " I dont understand"...but not try and cure our problem with a stupid comment. Has anyone ever told you that, or something simliar to that ?
I dont blame people if they just say " I dont understand"...but not try and cure our problem with a stupid comment. Has anyone ever told you that, or something simliar to that ?
LittleRose1982
12-08-2004, 10:02 PM
Absoultely people have told me that. That I can control it, and I just have to "let it go". If I could do that, obviously I would. Yeah, it's aggravating. I just don't know what hope exists of it going away though. Will we have to live with this forever? I can't even imagine if that's the case...
Do you ever have moments when it goes away? Of course, not when there's direct exposure to the problem (i.e. a TV show is on that you two are watching together with bikini girls), but like when you are away from him... and you're peaceful... and you're having a great day. Do you ever feel like sometimes it releases you for a quick second before grabbing back onto you? I only ask because there are times- rare times- when I feel like I shouldn't care about it... and in those brief moments it's almost as though if my boyfriend was standing in front of me kissing a naked woman it wouldn't bother me. Crazy, I know. But it's almost like a tranquility that God gives me as a release from this hell. Very brief.. I mean, it's gone within seconds. Ever happened to you? It just gives me some kind of hope, I guess.
Do you ever have moments when it goes away? Of course, not when there's direct exposure to the problem (i.e. a TV show is on that you two are watching together with bikini girls), but like when you are away from him... and you're peaceful... and you're having a great day. Do you ever feel like sometimes it releases you for a quick second before grabbing back onto you? I only ask because there are times- rare times- when I feel like I shouldn't care about it... and in those brief moments it's almost as though if my boyfriend was standing in front of me kissing a naked woman it wouldn't bother me. Crazy, I know. But it's almost like a tranquility that God gives me as a release from this hell. Very brief.. I mean, it's gone within seconds. Ever happened to you? It just gives me some kind of hope, I guess.
Smartcookie
12-08-2004, 10:10 PM
LittleRose, I WISH I could say that, but unforuntaley, even when my hubby is at work, I think, 'ok, what girl is talking to him now?', 'did he check out the reeceptionists legs today?' And so on and so on. Mind you,I guess you can say I dont think about it 24-7, but pretty darn close. I mean, i am at work, and if i am checking email or something, and there is a pop-up, i'll quickly think, so, if he is checking email today too, he mustve gotten that pop up too. And he HAS to look at it, as it appears on the screen. Even a 2 second look bothers me so much.
So when do you move in to your new place?
So when do you move in to your new place?
LittleRose1982
12-08-2004, 10:24 PM
I move in on the 19th! I'm very excited. And for the first time in as long as I can remember, all I have to do is daydream about how my life is going to be living there and it makes me happy. I don't have a negative thought it my head about this. And I'm negative about everything!
Sometimes I try to imagine what my perfect world would be like. It's not so easy! But I think it helps me get some insight into my own thoughts that so often confuse me. I guess if I could change the world, I'd make myself the most beautiful girl on the planet...no one would be more attractive... in my boyfriend's opinion. He'd look at a girl on TV or a hostess or whatever, and the thoughts in his head would be "Wow, she's nothing compared to Rose!" Then he'd lean over and kiss me (if I was there). If I wasn't there, all he'd be thinking about for the rest of the night would be how much he couldn't wait to get home to me. Trampy women would be invisible to him... meaningless... nothing but tramps. But you know what? That is how I feel about HIM. Those are the thoughts that go through MY head. So why is it so impossible for him to feel the same way? I don't check out men... I don't even find myself attracted to anyone but him! I don't care if it's Brad Pitt (bad example... I hate him... Johnny Depp! Yeah, he's probably the best looking but I still think my guy is better). It's not fair, and I just want to cry.
Sometimes I try to imagine what my perfect world would be like. It's not so easy! But I think it helps me get some insight into my own thoughts that so often confuse me. I guess if I could change the world, I'd make myself the most beautiful girl on the planet...no one would be more attractive... in my boyfriend's opinion. He'd look at a girl on TV or a hostess or whatever, and the thoughts in his head would be "Wow, she's nothing compared to Rose!" Then he'd lean over and kiss me (if I was there). If I wasn't there, all he'd be thinking about for the rest of the night would be how much he couldn't wait to get home to me. Trampy women would be invisible to him... meaningless... nothing but tramps. But you know what? That is how I feel about HIM. Those are the thoughts that go through MY head. So why is it so impossible for him to feel the same way? I don't check out men... I don't even find myself attracted to anyone but him! I don't care if it's Brad Pitt (bad example... I hate him... Johnny Depp! Yeah, he's probably the best looking but I still think my guy is better). It's not fair, and I just want to cry.
Smartcookie
12-08-2004, 10:35 PM
LittleRose, we are so similar, its like i know you or something!
I hate Brad Bitt too, i mean, he's not a dog, but he's TOO pretty, know what i mean?
I like JOhnny Depp too, Christian Slater is very good looking and attractive to me. BUt see, we're different, I dont have screen savers of them, or Google the cr*p out of them, or rent DVD's only about them. This is what kills me.
There isnt an espisode of Friends my husband didnt watch. He thinks Courteney Cox is just gorgeous ( so do i, i must admit). BUt its like, once he admitted that, now i think when he is watching Friends reruns, he is always focussed on her and not the other characters! I dont know, this is just nuts. :(
My wish would be to REMOVE all scanks and tramps from existence for good. Hahahaha.
Well, just think of moving in to your new place and focus on starting off a little differently. Perhaps you will feel like you have the upper hand now that you share a place with a guy.
I hate Brad Bitt too, i mean, he's not a dog, but he's TOO pretty, know what i mean?
I like JOhnny Depp too, Christian Slater is very good looking and attractive to me. BUt see, we're different, I dont have screen savers of them, or Google the cr*p out of them, or rent DVD's only about them. This is what kills me.
There isnt an espisode of Friends my husband didnt watch. He thinks Courteney Cox is just gorgeous ( so do i, i must admit). BUt its like, once he admitted that, now i think when he is watching Friends reruns, he is always focussed on her and not the other characters! I dont know, this is just nuts. :(
My wish would be to REMOVE all scanks and tramps from existence for good. Hahahaha.
Well, just think of moving in to your new place and focus on starting off a little differently. Perhaps you will feel like you have the upper hand now that you share a place with a guy.
LittleRose1982
12-08-2004, 11:01 PM
That's what I need- the upper hand. I'm tired of my boyfriend being un-humanely secure and trusting. It makes me feel like I fall short when really I'm just like every other normal woman. He's the one who for some reason is PERFECT in every single thing he does. Or so he thinks. But yes, I think having the upper hand would definitely improve my insecurity issues, which will probably snowball and resolve many of my other issues as well. Either that or ending the relationship. One or the other!
Yeah, I agree that Courtney's a beautiful girl. And the fact that you said she was beautiful as well is something to be proud of! It struck me as a sign of healthy thoughts regarding women. Courtney's not a tramp. She's happily married and she's a successful, independent woman with a great career. She's got a soul... just like all the other ones do. Some may get a little lost, and end up on the cover of Playboy or stripping at a local bar. But you just tapped into something with that comment, and it's leading me down a little "path" here. Aren't we all beautiful inside? Don't we all get hurt? I mean, even the trampy women on TV that you see... chances are they have gotten their hearts broken before! Badly! Some may even have OCD or anxiety and be suffering the same way we are! You, nor I, know their stories or their lives. All we know is their image. And there's so much more to a person than image.
Who knows if this train of thought will help you, but it's worth giving it a shot. Think of it as "Courtney Therapy"! Women can be beautiful on the inside and not on the outside, neither, or a combination of the two. Just because they're beautiful outside doesn't mean they're tramps on the inside.
Yeah, I agree that Courtney's a beautiful girl. And the fact that you said she was beautiful as well is something to be proud of! It struck me as a sign of healthy thoughts regarding women. Courtney's not a tramp. She's happily married and she's a successful, independent woman with a great career. She's got a soul... just like all the other ones do. Some may get a little lost, and end up on the cover of Playboy or stripping at a local bar. But you just tapped into something with that comment, and it's leading me down a little "path" here. Aren't we all beautiful inside? Don't we all get hurt? I mean, even the trampy women on TV that you see... chances are they have gotten their hearts broken before! Badly! Some may even have OCD or anxiety and be suffering the same way we are! You, nor I, know their stories or their lives. All we know is their image. And there's so much more to a person than image.
Who knows if this train of thought will help you, but it's worth giving it a shot. Think of it as "Courtney Therapy"! Women can be beautiful on the inside and not on the outside, neither, or a combination of the two. Just because they're beautiful outside doesn't mean they're tramps on the inside.
Smartcookie
12-09-2004, 09:49 PM
Not that it should become a contest of who should make the other feel more insecure about themselves, but yes,I think it might help you.
You consider your b/f to be perfect? See, I KNOW neither myself or my husband is perfect, far from it infact.
With regards to me admitting that a female on tv is beautiful, I have no problem with that, I never have. Mind you, its very few that I say that about (some girls are like, " isnt she beautiful?" or, "oh she's gorgeous!"....) , I am not one of those superficial people. I acknowledge it where it is due.
The problem I have with admitting it is, when I do state that I think a female actor is pretty, then I turn to my hubby and say "do you think she is"...and he'll always beat around the bush until he says "she's alright I guess"...which we all know translates into "Yes, I think she is hot!". I know he covers all the time, cause he doesnt want to get into it.
Littlerose, you said this: "Some may get a little lost, and end up on the cover of Playboy or stripping at a local bar. But you just tapped into something with that comment, and it's leading me down a little "path" here. Aren't we all beautiful inside? Don't we all get hurt? I mean, even the trampy women on TV that you see... chances are they have gotten their hearts broken before!"
Now I am going to be a bit harsh (not against you, but your comment). Frankly, I dont give a hoot if the tramps and skanks are hurt, they are SKANKS! I don't care about their feelings, maybe someone else does, but I don't! A beautiful, genuine person cannot be a tramp, can they??
True, there is much more to a person than image, but if we are talking about strippers or hookers or just plain females-who-like-to-tease-men, then no one really cares what's on the inside! At least I don't.
And lets not mix up Beautiful with SLUTTY. Oh no, don't get those two confused.
You consider your b/f to be perfect? See, I KNOW neither myself or my husband is perfect, far from it infact.
With regards to me admitting that a female on tv is beautiful, I have no problem with that, I never have. Mind you, its very few that I say that about (some girls are like, " isnt she beautiful?" or, "oh she's gorgeous!"....) , I am not one of those superficial people. I acknowledge it where it is due.
The problem I have with admitting it is, when I do state that I think a female actor is pretty, then I turn to my hubby and say "do you think she is"...and he'll always beat around the bush until he says "she's alright I guess"...which we all know translates into "Yes, I think she is hot!". I know he covers all the time, cause he doesnt want to get into it.
Littlerose, you said this: "Some may get a little lost, and end up on the cover of Playboy or stripping at a local bar. But you just tapped into something with that comment, and it's leading me down a little "path" here. Aren't we all beautiful inside? Don't we all get hurt? I mean, even the trampy women on TV that you see... chances are they have gotten their hearts broken before!"
Now I am going to be a bit harsh (not against you, but your comment). Frankly, I dont give a hoot if the tramps and skanks are hurt, they are SKANKS! I don't care about their feelings, maybe someone else does, but I don't! A beautiful, genuine person cannot be a tramp, can they??
True, there is much more to a person than image, but if we are talking about strippers or hookers or just plain females-who-like-to-tease-men, then no one really cares what's on the inside! At least I don't.
And lets not mix up Beautiful with SLUTTY. Oh no, don't get those two confused.
Smartcookie
12-13-2004, 09:41 PM
LittleRose, I hope I didnt offend you in my last post. I havent seen you post here in about a week.
Hope all is well for you.
Hope all is well for you.
Regina21
12-15-2004, 06:55 PM
OKay, so you believe that women that strip are skanks and tramps? Or are you calling all women on t.v. that your husband finds attractive skanks and tramps?
Smartcookie
12-16-2004, 10:48 PM
Regina21,You know what, I dont know the answer to that question. I am on this board b/c i have a problem, not to offend anyone or upset anyone. Why, were you upset by my comment?
Smartcookie
12-16-2004, 11:11 PM
One more thing, where is faeriegirl25 & beccatnbb? Are you guys still around?
Regina21
12-17-2004, 12:38 AM
Smartcookie, in no way was I upset by your comment. Wow, i'm really sorry for you if you took it that way. I too have thoughts that I can't seem to control. Sometimes I don't know what's going on and I'm just trying to sort things out. I'll know better next time than to respond to one of your threads. Take Care God Bless.
faeriegirl25
12-17-2004, 01:39 AM
:rolleyes:
Sorry for not being on very much. My bf and I are STILL fighting every day. I took your advice SmartCookie, I told him everything, right down to the thoughts that I have. Of course, as I was telling him this, that darn Victoria Secret commercial came on and I got upset again. He was like, " Wow, I didn't know it hurt you this bad." DUH, guess it was all a put on :rolleyes: I will post more tommorrow, hope things are well for everyone
Sorry for not being on very much. My bf and I are STILL fighting every day. I took your advice SmartCookie, I told him everything, right down to the thoughts that I have. Of course, as I was telling him this, that darn Victoria Secret commercial came on and I got upset again. He was like, " Wow, I didn't know it hurt you this bad." DUH, guess it was all a put on :rolleyes: I will post more tommorrow, hope things are well for everyone
Ron
12-17-2004, 02:33 AM
I am assuming marich101 is male. I have no comments for what you said.
As for LittleRose, you are right, this is a board for OCD and i do need help with this so thank you for defending me.
There are some days when i just want to throw in the towel, and give up on him, and then there are other days in which i manage to convince myself that he is not HURTING me, its just me and my OCD that kicks into high gear, set off by the littlest thing. It really is a struggle, very good choice of words.
To answer your questions, some of those things were before he met me, and some were during, and some actions were recently. So as you can see, its not like i am just holding onto his past, its b/c some stuff creeps into the present and its horrifying to me! I never pictured this happening to me/us. I would prefer if we had financial problems over this emotional problem. That is how desperate I am to knock this thing, i cant seem to shake it. But like i said in one of my posts, i am doing much better than i was a few years ago, when i was at an alltime low and was fighting with him almost every other day. It was awful.
I still check his email, his cell phone bills, his Credit card purchases, i just have to. He has given me a few reasons not to trust his word( i caught him in 3 little lies so far-thankfully nothing to do with another female,but nonetheless, it has tarnished my already shaky trust in him).
I dont want to have to do these things, but there is always the little devil on my shoulder saying," i'd better check it out if i were you"...or "he's not telling you the whole truth".
I can honestly say that he is not into porn, or dirty mags, but he does stare at women at the stores, malls, banks, while driving, on tv, you name it, and i always catch him looking. And yes, to answer your other question, i do sometimes compare myself to them, but thats not what gets me the most. Its the fact that he says he ISNT looking at anything, that i am imagining it, and i am trying to control what he looks at. I am just trying to tell him over and over, by him starring at other beautiful women makes me feel like i am not good enough. LIke i am a piece of junk, a worthless woman.
I know in my heart he wouldnt ever cheat on me, but see, its not that. Its his fantasizing or starring at every woman but me (or so it seems) and him thinking he isnt doing anything wrong--all the while i am crying and telling him for some stupid reason it kills me.
Why dont men want to understand this?
Hi Smartcookie,
Were you raised in a single parent home?
Did you have some childhood trauma that made you suspicious of all men?
The next questions are because I want to check a theory of mine...
Were you ever really ill with a a serious strep infection that may not have been treated for a long time? Did the OCD start during or shortly after a
long high fever, a dental proceedure, a new boyfriend, a herpes infection?
How old were you when the OCD began?
I think you should be seeking a cousellor and be taking meds to calm your fears. Hopefully, you never decide that it is time to hurt your hubby because
some voice told you to do so.
If you have been getting worse, go get some help sooner than later.
A tiny pill a day and you could be fine. It is not you fault and it can happen
to almost anyone... even Mariah Carey.. she is now on meds and is back to singing... Remember? There is no shame in admitting you have a problem.
The shame would be in not getting it treated.
If you were a diabetic, would you refuse to avoid sugar?
Don't refuse to believe that you can get better with the right med.
Would you drive your car with A FLAT TIRE just because you didn't hear a blowout? Go get your "flat tire" fixed. It is not a do-it-youself job.
Ron
As for LittleRose, you are right, this is a board for OCD and i do need help with this so thank you for defending me.
There are some days when i just want to throw in the towel, and give up on him, and then there are other days in which i manage to convince myself that he is not HURTING me, its just me and my OCD that kicks into high gear, set off by the littlest thing. It really is a struggle, very good choice of words.
To answer your questions, some of those things were before he met me, and some were during, and some actions were recently. So as you can see, its not like i am just holding onto his past, its b/c some stuff creeps into the present and its horrifying to me! I never pictured this happening to me/us. I would prefer if we had financial problems over this emotional problem. That is how desperate I am to knock this thing, i cant seem to shake it. But like i said in one of my posts, i am doing much better than i was a few years ago, when i was at an alltime low and was fighting with him almost every other day. It was awful.
I still check his email, his cell phone bills, his Credit card purchases, i just have to. He has given me a few reasons not to trust his word( i caught him in 3 little lies so far-thankfully nothing to do with another female,but nonetheless, it has tarnished my already shaky trust in him).
I dont want to have to do these things, but there is always the little devil on my shoulder saying," i'd better check it out if i were you"...or "he's not telling you the whole truth".
I can honestly say that he is not into porn, or dirty mags, but he does stare at women at the stores, malls, banks, while driving, on tv, you name it, and i always catch him looking. And yes, to answer your other question, i do sometimes compare myself to them, but thats not what gets me the most. Its the fact that he says he ISNT looking at anything, that i am imagining it, and i am trying to control what he looks at. I am just trying to tell him over and over, by him starring at other beautiful women makes me feel like i am not good enough. LIke i am a piece of junk, a worthless woman.
I know in my heart he wouldnt ever cheat on me, but see, its not that. Its his fantasizing or starring at every woman but me (or so it seems) and him thinking he isnt doing anything wrong--all the while i am crying and telling him for some stupid reason it kills me.
Why dont men want to understand this?
Hi Smartcookie,
Were you raised in a single parent home?
Did you have some childhood trauma that made you suspicious of all men?
The next questions are because I want to check a theory of mine...
Were you ever really ill with a a serious strep infection that may not have been treated for a long time? Did the OCD start during or shortly after a
long high fever, a dental proceedure, a new boyfriend, a herpes infection?
How old were you when the OCD began?
I think you should be seeking a cousellor and be taking meds to calm your fears. Hopefully, you never decide that it is time to hurt your hubby because
some voice told you to do so.
If you have been getting worse, go get some help sooner than later.
A tiny pill a day and you could be fine. It is not you fault and it can happen
to almost anyone... even Mariah Carey.. she is now on meds and is back to singing... Remember? There is no shame in admitting you have a problem.
The shame would be in not getting it treated.
If you were a diabetic, would you refuse to avoid sugar?
Don't refuse to believe that you can get better with the right med.
Would you drive your car with A FLAT TIRE just because you didn't hear a blowout? Go get your "flat tire" fixed. It is not a do-it-youself job.
Ron
Smartcookie
12-17-2004, 04:33 PM
Regina21, you can respond to whatever thread you like. I was just curious as to what you were getting at?
Faeriegirl, nice to see you finally! Sorry things arent going well for you.....why didnt you guys talk in quiet, without any distractions such as the tv? Sit down and have a serious talk, and tell him this is a PROBLEM, not a request of yours.
Please let me know if anything else happens....try to post as much as you can.
Ron, i guess you are banned so you cannot answer, but i will certainly answer your questions to the best of my ability.
NO, i wasnt raised in a singleparent home,in fact, i was raised in a large family full of love, laughter,support and respect. No hidden problems, no ghosts in the familys' closet etc etc.
I did not have any childhood trauma ( i belive i went thru this in one of my earlier posts).
I do not recall when exactly this OCD started, but i do recall it getting severely strong almost as soon as i started dating my husband!! I didnt have ANY childhood illness,or infection to support your theory.
Ron,although drugs today are an amazing thing and we have advanced so much in so little time, i do not believe that jumping to take prescription drugs is the answer, or at least not the ONLY answer. I would rather try to disect and combat whatever the heck it is, and FIX it naturally. THis is almost the way i treat myself when i get the common cold; i dont stuff pills down my throat, I drink lots of water to flush my system and IF i have an unbearable headache, then i might take something. I try to let my body repair itself naturally, where possible. Not a huge fan of meds. And dont want to become dependant on them either.
I don't plan on 'hurting' my hubby ever, Yes,I do get mad, but I would never physically hurt him. I am scared of LEAVING him for good, and hurting him that way. :(
I am not ashamed at all that I have this problem, I wish I didnt, but I never said I was ashamed.
All in all, thanks for your input.
Faeriegirl, nice to see you finally! Sorry things arent going well for you.....why didnt you guys talk in quiet, without any distractions such as the tv? Sit down and have a serious talk, and tell him this is a PROBLEM, not a request of yours.
Please let me know if anything else happens....try to post as much as you can.
Ron, i guess you are banned so you cannot answer, but i will certainly answer your questions to the best of my ability.
NO, i wasnt raised in a singleparent home,in fact, i was raised in a large family full of love, laughter,support and respect. No hidden problems, no ghosts in the familys' closet etc etc.
I did not have any childhood trauma ( i belive i went thru this in one of my earlier posts).
I do not recall when exactly this OCD started, but i do recall it getting severely strong almost as soon as i started dating my husband!! I didnt have ANY childhood illness,or infection to support your theory.
Ron,although drugs today are an amazing thing and we have advanced so much in so little time, i do not believe that jumping to take prescription drugs is the answer, or at least not the ONLY answer. I would rather try to disect and combat whatever the heck it is, and FIX it naturally. THis is almost the way i treat myself when i get the common cold; i dont stuff pills down my throat, I drink lots of water to flush my system and IF i have an unbearable headache, then i might take something. I try to let my body repair itself naturally, where possible. Not a huge fan of meds. And dont want to become dependant on them either.
I don't plan on 'hurting' my hubby ever, Yes,I do get mad, but I would never physically hurt him. I am scared of LEAVING him for good, and hurting him that way. :(
I am not ashamed at all that I have this problem, I wish I didnt, but I never said I was ashamed.
All in all, thanks for your input.
margaretd
12-20-2004, 12:37 AM
I'm not sure you have OCD. Your actions are logical and based on a real fear. OCD actions (compulsions) are not logically related to the perceived fear or anxiety.
I think you are suffering from very low self-esteem or possibly high anxiety. You do not trust your husband, this is for certain. If you could, then you would not feel the need to check on him. I think you need to look inside yourself and determine why you do not trust him. If he has actually done enough things to lose your trust, then why stay with him? This is not love, but more a habit of being used to having him around. If he is a trustworthy person (which you seemed to say he would not cheat on you), then you ought to try to disallow yourself from double-checking on him. Give him the trust he deserves and he may give you the reassurance you deserve. Talk to him about how women are aural creatures (they like to HEAR that their mate loves them ... does he say that he loves you often enough? Genuinely?). Let him know that you know that he is a visual creature and ask him what you can do in return to keep him happy (sexually). Let him know that if he remembers to say nice things to you that he will naturally be rewarded. Ask him if you can put up a picture in the bathroom to remind him of taking care of you in this way. Make coupons for eachother to use for full body massages and buy the oil and tell him to start on your feet. Also, buy yourself some relaxing herbal teas (camomile) and take them each night so that you can learn to relax a bit. Meditate on all of this and trust yourself and the answers will come to you over a few weeks.
I think you are suffering from very low self-esteem or possibly high anxiety. You do not trust your husband, this is for certain. If you could, then you would not feel the need to check on him. I think you need to look inside yourself and determine why you do not trust him. If he has actually done enough things to lose your trust, then why stay with him? This is not love, but more a habit of being used to having him around. If he is a trustworthy person (which you seemed to say he would not cheat on you), then you ought to try to disallow yourself from double-checking on him. Give him the trust he deserves and he may give you the reassurance you deserve. Talk to him about how women are aural creatures (they like to HEAR that their mate loves them ... does he say that he loves you often enough? Genuinely?). Let him know that you know that he is a visual creature and ask him what you can do in return to keep him happy (sexually). Let him know that if he remembers to say nice things to you that he will naturally be rewarded. Ask him if you can put up a picture in the bathroom to remind him of taking care of you in this way. Make coupons for eachother to use for full body massages and buy the oil and tell him to start on your feet. Also, buy yourself some relaxing herbal teas (camomile) and take them each night so that you can learn to relax a bit. Meditate on all of this and trust yourself and the answers will come to you over a few weeks.
philyphil
12-20-2004, 01:01 AM
Most men have been raised in a culture with media portraying "hot" females. They - me included - often subliminally or fully buy into it. Yes we get brainwashed into wanting the "sexy big breasted perfect hot babe". Well we need sex and fantisize about it as the male brain is (most frequently) geared to do that. Males are programmed to want sex - is that so bad?
faeriegirl25
12-20-2004, 01:14 AM
This could be the reason most men never get the " sexy big breasted perfect hot babe".. you men are so concerned with getting a trophy to show off to your buddies or to parade around to announce your " man hood" that you often end up getting hurt by those " sexy babes", because they do not care who they hurt as long as they get all the attention. All most men care about is plastic women.. geez that must be real comfy to curl up to at night. This board is to help people who are upset and who are in pain. Its obvious that no empathy can be shown from some.
Smartcookie
12-20-2004, 11:39 PM
Hi margaretd. Thanks for your comments. Yes, you are correct, i am not too sure i have OCD, although i can certainly say i am OBSESSED with this topic of being hurt by my hubby.
I used to have high self esteem, but it plunged to an all time low...but still, i do not entirley blame my hubby for it. And yes, i am quite an anxious person. I take after my dad, he is always nervous and hyper. ;)
You are also correct, I do not trust my husband 100 % when it comes to this.In other things, i must say, i trust him, but not this topic.
Why stay with him, cause i Love him and i know he loves me, its just this hurdle that is killing me. Its not quite enough to end our marriage (yet , anyways) and i hope it never comes to that. I dont want to give in that easily. As i said in my earlier posts, while we were engaged, he did many things to make us break up and threaten our relationship. But somehow we overcame that stuff, and ended up marrying eachother. Not for convenience. Now that we are married, we are even more committed to eachother and wanting to help eachother out with everything. I hope that answers your question?
I have let up on the checking of voicemail and email and grilling him about what he watches and whom he talks to etc , but he doesnt fully deserve my trust , not quite yet. Trust is earned, i believe. And when it is broken, its not easily repaired. Not with me anyhow. But i am still trying.
He goes thru these spurts of "i love you" i would never hurt you, i cant live without you kinda comments, but then sometimes he seems so distant and then he just chalks it up to being tired. The lame age-old excuse of being tired.
I am sorry, i dont agree with tempting him sexually, this is an emotional/mental problem, and it wont go away just by having wild sex. Sometimes when we are doing it, i cant seem to get it out of my head that he wishes he was giving it to someone else.
Philyphil, there is nothing wrong with enjoying sex, my problem/ concern is that my husband feels that he is not hurting me (even though I have been telling him for years) by looking at other women - constantly, not once in a while....i mean, come on, i am human too, i am not that crazy and want him to nail his eyelids to the pavement, but i mean, lets show some respect, some class and some decency for your partner. Listen and respect him or her. What happend to that old saying, 'for every action there is a reaction'... Yes, well, i have been trying to tell him that for WHATEVER reason, i am being hurt by these CONSTANT actions. It translates into, I dont really care about you that much to stop what i am doing. Understand my point?
Faeriegirl, you seem to understand exactly what i mean and what i am going through.
Thanks, from one torn heart to another....
I used to have high self esteem, but it plunged to an all time low...but still, i do not entirley blame my hubby for it. And yes, i am quite an anxious person. I take after my dad, he is always nervous and hyper. ;)
You are also correct, I do not trust my husband 100 % when it comes to this.In other things, i must say, i trust him, but not this topic.
Why stay with him, cause i Love him and i know he loves me, its just this hurdle that is killing me. Its not quite enough to end our marriage (yet , anyways) and i hope it never comes to that. I dont want to give in that easily. As i said in my earlier posts, while we were engaged, he did many things to make us break up and threaten our relationship. But somehow we overcame that stuff, and ended up marrying eachother. Not for convenience. Now that we are married, we are even more committed to eachother and wanting to help eachother out with everything. I hope that answers your question?
I have let up on the checking of voicemail and email and grilling him about what he watches and whom he talks to etc , but he doesnt fully deserve my trust , not quite yet. Trust is earned, i believe. And when it is broken, its not easily repaired. Not with me anyhow. But i am still trying.
He goes thru these spurts of "i love you" i would never hurt you, i cant live without you kinda comments, but then sometimes he seems so distant and then he just chalks it up to being tired. The lame age-old excuse of being tired.
I am sorry, i dont agree with tempting him sexually, this is an emotional/mental problem, and it wont go away just by having wild sex. Sometimes when we are doing it, i cant seem to get it out of my head that he wishes he was giving it to someone else.
Philyphil, there is nothing wrong with enjoying sex, my problem/ concern is that my husband feels that he is not hurting me (even though I have been telling him for years) by looking at other women - constantly, not once in a while....i mean, come on, i am human too, i am not that crazy and want him to nail his eyelids to the pavement, but i mean, lets show some respect, some class and some decency for your partner. Listen and respect him or her. What happend to that old saying, 'for every action there is a reaction'... Yes, well, i have been trying to tell him that for WHATEVER reason, i am being hurt by these CONSTANT actions. It translates into, I dont really care about you that much to stop what i am doing. Understand my point?
Faeriegirl, you seem to understand exactly what i mean and what i am going through.
Thanks, from one torn heart to another....
faeriegirl25
12-21-2004, 01:12 AM
SmartCookie, I must say I think that you and Little Rose must be my triplet. Our fights lately have been that he is thinking of someone else when we are intimate. I have accused him of fantasizing of them while acting like he is enjoying it with me. I can't get it out of my head that when he closes his eyes, he might be thinking of someone else. Our anniversary was Saturday, we didn't even go out.. it was too much anxiety just thinking that he might look at the waitress. I really wish that I could get this all out of my head, esp during intimacy.
How have things been lately? I hope that you are doing ok.
And you littlerose.. how are you
How have things been lately? I hope that you are doing ok.
And you littlerose.. how are you
LittleRose1982
12-22-2004, 08:09 PM
Hello girls.
Sorry I haven't been around. I've been under so much stress it's unbearable. Things with the boyfriend haven't been any better either. I just don't understand why I try and try to take steps to improve my outlook, but I just keep going backwards. I think I'm finally beginning to realize that there truly is something in the universe trying to warn me about my boyfriend. Maybe this paranoia and this anxiety is there for a reason. Not something I need to get rid of through therapy (I got a book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy- it helped a little but I'm not done reading it yet). Maybe I'm trying to cover it up rather than facing the huge red warning sign that's flashing in front of my eyes. I don't trust him. Bottom line. He may be doing nothing wrong at all to lose my trust, but I still for some reason can't get past this. I have been seriously planning a trap for him, in which I tell him I'm going to be away for the weekend... rent a car... and follow him to see where he goes when he thinks I'm not around. I hate this part of myself. And I know what you both mean about thinking he's picturing some other woman when we are making love. Why can't I just enjoy it and be happy? Why must I freak out and let my mind make up these awful possibilities?? I just want to be happy. And honestly, I think getting away from him is the first step to that.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. I'll be with my boyfriend's family, wishing I was with my family instead. :(
Sorry I haven't been around. I've been under so much stress it's unbearable. Things with the boyfriend haven't been any better either. I just don't understand why I try and try to take steps to improve my outlook, but I just keep going backwards. I think I'm finally beginning to realize that there truly is something in the universe trying to warn me about my boyfriend. Maybe this paranoia and this anxiety is there for a reason. Not something I need to get rid of through therapy (I got a book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy- it helped a little but I'm not done reading it yet). Maybe I'm trying to cover it up rather than facing the huge red warning sign that's flashing in front of my eyes. I don't trust him. Bottom line. He may be doing nothing wrong at all to lose my trust, but I still for some reason can't get past this. I have been seriously planning a trap for him, in which I tell him I'm going to be away for the weekend... rent a car... and follow him to see where he goes when he thinks I'm not around. I hate this part of myself. And I know what you both mean about thinking he's picturing some other woman when we are making love. Why can't I just enjoy it and be happy? Why must I freak out and let my mind make up these awful possibilities?? I just want to be happy. And honestly, I think getting away from him is the first step to that.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. I'll be with my boyfriend's family, wishing I was with my family instead. :(
Smartcookie
12-22-2004, 09:17 PM
LittleRose, its good to see you back, i was starting to wonder if something happened, if i offended you with my last post, or if something went wrong with getting your apartment and stuff.
Sorry for what you are going through, and especially now, at Christmas. Well, if its any consolation, the hubby and I had a huge fight this past weekend, strangely enough, NOTHING to do with this whole subject, but of course I had to start up on it. Sometimes i get so mad, i cant help but bring it up. It just flies out of my mouth and the thoughts go wild.
Why are you spending the holidays with his family and not your own, or at least both??? Is it a question of distance? My goodness, I would think that if you are feeling this low, it would be good for you to be around your family.
Faerie girl, i am doing ok, thanks for asking. And yes, i do see the uncanny similiarities between our thoughts.....thats what makes me more convinced that we have OCD (some are saying we are just jealous or insecure women)......its funny on one way, but sad in another.
Well,i wish you both a very happy, healthy and safe Holiday and lets all keep in touch.
I start to wonder when I dont see updates for a while.
Sorry for what you are going through, and especially now, at Christmas. Well, if its any consolation, the hubby and I had a huge fight this past weekend, strangely enough, NOTHING to do with this whole subject, but of course I had to start up on it. Sometimes i get so mad, i cant help but bring it up. It just flies out of my mouth and the thoughts go wild.
Why are you spending the holidays with his family and not your own, or at least both??? Is it a question of distance? My goodness, I would think that if you are feeling this low, it would be good for you to be around your family.
Faerie girl, i am doing ok, thanks for asking. And yes, i do see the uncanny similiarities between our thoughts.....thats what makes me more convinced that we have OCD (some are saying we are just jealous or insecure women)......its funny on one way, but sad in another.
Well,i wish you both a very happy, healthy and safe Holiday and lets all keep in touch.
I start to wonder when I dont see updates for a while.
Smartcookie
12-26-2004, 09:26 PM
Hope everyone's Holiday was Safe, Healthy & Happy! :angel:
faeriegirl25
12-28-2004, 12:35 AM
Hope you had a great holiday as well. Things are not good here, we fought on Christmas day, well into the evening as well. I really don't know what I am looking to gain when I bring up the past hurt that he caused.. it only gets me more upset and I hate it. There are so many triggers in the day that I am afraid to watch television, go anywhere with him.. I am at the point where I will do anything to avoid feeling so low. Its like a no win situation. Every part of our relationship is affected now.. even intimacy. I feel like its not asking to much from him to not look at another woman lustfully, yet when I ask him not to I feel like I am in the wrong. I feel like the only thing I am trying to do is control him. On the other hand, I couldn't control what he did to me, I had to sit there in horror while he looked at the women. I can't forgive him for this. I wish that I could just let it go, even if only for a moment so that I could remember the reason why I was drawn to him.. why I fell in love with him. The fighting has been nonstop, its daily now. Its getting old quick, but I can't help be angry when I see a tramp on the screen and think " He likes those kind of women, not you". I so desperately want to get away from this, I can't even escape it in sleep. I dream of him cheating on me, looking at the adult sites, everything that hurts me. I am wearing down from all the worry and its not worth it. I know that he would never cheat on me, that he loves me.. my mind just cannot grasp why in the world he had to put me on the back burner so that he could see some woman who is plastic, am I plain stupid??
Ron
12-28-2004, 01:19 AM
Hope you had a great holiday as well. Things are not good here, we fought on Christmas day, well into the evening as well. I really don't know what I am looking to gain when I bring up the past hurt that he caused.. it only gets me more upset and I hate it. There are so many triggers in the day that I am afraid to watch television, go anywhere with him.. I am at the point where I will do anything to avoid feeling so low. Its like a no win situation. Every part of our relationship is affected now.. even intimacy. I feel like its not asking to much from him to not look at another woman lustfully, yet when I ask him not to I feel like I am in the wrong. I feel like the only thing I am trying to do is control him. On the other hand, I couldn't control what he did to me, I had to sit there in horror while he looked at the women. I can't forgive him for this. I wish that I could just let it go, even if only for a moment so that I could remember the reason why I was drawn to him.. why I fell in love with him. The fighting has been nonstop, its daily now. Its getting old quick, but I can't help be angry when I see a tramp on the screen and think " He likes those kind of women, not you". I so desperately want to get away from this, I can't even escape it in sleep. I dream of him cheating on me, looking at the adult sites, everything that hurts me. I am wearing down from all the worry and its not worth it. I know that he would never cheat on me, that he loves me.. my mind just cannot grasp why in the world he had to put me on the back burner so that he could see some woman who is plastic, am I plain stupid??
Hi Fae..
Could it be that you are mistaking appreciation of another good looking woman
for lust?
Have you changed so much since you married him, that he is repulsed?
He is still with you because he cares for you, (warts and all).
Men are visual and women are more audible... meaning that men have been
searching for a peek at a pretty girl since they were 11 or 12.
As long as he is turned on by looking, take advantage of that and use what it provides to your advantage.
Women, as I said are more audible... They love to hear their man say loving things... As long as he is only whispering sweet nothings in YOUR ear, you are worrying for no reason.
It is wrong to insist that he does not look at other women. You can think it,
but ask a girlfriend if she would treat her man that way. What would you say if she said.. "My husband looks too, but he always comes to my bed." ?
Setting strict rules of conduct for him when you are watching TV or when you are out makes you HIS MOTHER. Of course, you know that little boys rarely listen to what their mother says. Don't be surprised if he chooses to go out with the guys to escape the nagging.
Women view pornograpy as "competition" but they still read their own kind of
pornography when they pick up a Romance Novel. They say it is not the same thing, but they are wrong.. Women have a good imagination....
Men have good vision.. Don't deny him the enjoyment.
Would you have slapped him for watching Janet's wardrobe malfunction?
... or would you have been one of those women who wrote to the network
to complain?
Instead of wanting to come home to the woman he married, to be scolded,
he would rather smile when some donut shop server asked him what he wanted in his coffee. At least she accepts him as he is and that does a lot
for a man's ego.
Put on something that you know will turn him on and be ready with a smile and
appreciation for his efforts at work. Wear a long coat over some underwear and when he comes in the door, drop the coat. Then watch him give YOU the look. :)
If you act like a woman in love, he will respond by doing all those things for you, which show how much he loves you. All he wants is a chance and you keep shooting him down.
You can change this.
It may sound simple... but MEN are simple creatures. Don't make it too complicated or you will win the battle and loose him.
Treat him like a puppy and you will get what you want. A pat on the head,
and a warm supper and he will do tricks for you. (Don't Laugh!)
If what you are doing, is not getting the results you want, STOP DOING those
things and try a different approach.
Praise him and make him feel special, or someone else will.
Ron
Hi Fae..
Could it be that you are mistaking appreciation of another good looking woman
for lust?
Have you changed so much since you married him, that he is repulsed?
He is still with you because he cares for you, (warts and all).
Men are visual and women are more audible... meaning that men have been
searching for a peek at a pretty girl since they were 11 or 12.
As long as he is turned on by looking, take advantage of that and use what it provides to your advantage.
Women, as I said are more audible... They love to hear their man say loving things... As long as he is only whispering sweet nothings in YOUR ear, you are worrying for no reason.
It is wrong to insist that he does not look at other women. You can think it,
but ask a girlfriend if she would treat her man that way. What would you say if she said.. "My husband looks too, but he always comes to my bed." ?
Setting strict rules of conduct for him when you are watching TV or when you are out makes you HIS MOTHER. Of course, you know that little boys rarely listen to what their mother says. Don't be surprised if he chooses to go out with the guys to escape the nagging.
Women view pornograpy as "competition" but they still read their own kind of
pornography when they pick up a Romance Novel. They say it is not the same thing, but they are wrong.. Women have a good imagination....
Men have good vision.. Don't deny him the enjoyment.
Would you have slapped him for watching Janet's wardrobe malfunction?
... or would you have been one of those women who wrote to the network
to complain?
Instead of wanting to come home to the woman he married, to be scolded,
he would rather smile when some donut shop server asked him what he wanted in his coffee. At least she accepts him as he is and that does a lot
for a man's ego.
Put on something that you know will turn him on and be ready with a smile and
appreciation for his efforts at work. Wear a long coat over some underwear and when he comes in the door, drop the coat. Then watch him give YOU the look. :)
If you act like a woman in love, he will respond by doing all those things for you, which show how much he loves you. All he wants is a chance and you keep shooting him down.
You can change this.
It may sound simple... but MEN are simple creatures. Don't make it too complicated or you will win the battle and loose him.
Treat him like a puppy and you will get what you want. A pat on the head,
and a warm supper and he will do tricks for you. (Don't Laugh!)
If what you are doing, is not getting the results you want, STOP DOING those
things and try a different approach.
Praise him and make him feel special, or someone else will.
Ron
faeriegirl25
12-28-2004, 08:42 PM
Thank you Ron for your insight.. I appreciate the fact that you were not rude. You must know that he is the most important thing to me, and that I have never done anything to betray him. He has done much more things than just what is mentioned here, so the pain runs deep. Last night I decided to forgive him for all he has done, I decided he had paid long enough for his mistakes. He told me that he was honestly sorry for ever making me feel like I was inferior to the " smut" he watched. I am glad that he was honest in saying that those other women do not impress him, that he didn't have lust on his mind and I believe him. Thank you for your insight
Smartcookie
12-28-2004, 09:52 PM
Faeriegirl, :nono: , when you wrote "I feel like its not asking to much from him to not look at another woman lustfully, yet when I ask him not to I feel like I am in the wrong. I feel like the only thing I am trying to do is control him."....you are NOT asking anything from him but RESPECT. So why are you confused about that? :confused:
I am sorry that you guys were fighting, and trust me when i say I know what fighting non-stop is, and it only seems to get worse. But , like you said, this is all because we are made to feel as lesser human beings, just b/c our men cannot control their eyes. I think that is something that can be fixed right away, but for some damned reason, men don't see , feel or understand the sometimes irreperable damage they are causing. :(
Ron, you are back. And i see you did not reply to my reply to you. Is it b/c you do not have anything else to say to me, or you just looked it over? In any case, I have some comments for you.
Your quote "Have you changed so much since you married him, that he is repulsed?" seems like a low-blow, i say this only b/c you seem to be implying that the reason our men look, is OUR FAULT. I dont agree. And, although this might be true for some women, i know in my case it is totally not true. Doesnt make the situation any better or any easier, but its not the case.
Also, i have a little problem with your comment "As long as he is turned on by looking, take advantage of that and use what it provides to your advantage." It sounds like society is going backwards, that women are second-best to men and we are only here to please MAN. "Oh, look, is he excited, maybe i can get some now" instead of, " i hope we make love tonight b/c we love eachother so much". It seems as though you are advising us to be our men's servants and that we should strive to keep our MEN happy. What about us? :confused: Is a relationship not 50/50?
Again, your comments "Put on something that you know will turn him on and be ready with a smile and appreciation for his efforts at work"....and "Men have good vision.. Don't deny him the enjoyment"......seems like WE are the ones who have to constantly PLEASE our men. :confused: Please correct me if i misinterpreted your comment.
With regards to the statment "My husband looks too, but he always comes to my bed."
To me, and this is only my opinion, that is a load of B*LL. :mad: So as long as he does whatever the heck he wants, its fine cause at night we share the same sheetset & boxspring??? Nope, i dont think so. That is like, not asking for anything but a bedtime partner. I'd rather start sleeping with my Ken Doll. I'd probably get more feeling out of him.
I agree somewhat with your Romance Novel comments, and I myself have never been interested in that stuff.
Ron, I am a woman in love, :) I DONT nag my hubby every night when he walks thru the door, we almost always cuddle when we are watchin tv together, or cuddle in bed before going to sleep. We always talk to eachother while eating dinner, email and call eachother at work, leave constant cell phone messages, so its not like the flame has dwindled between us. Its this one FACT in our :eek: society that needs to be taken care of.
Look at all the manufactuers of Video games, they are practically putting porn on the covers of Nintendo games, WWF DVDs , you name it! Even though we are sort of cracking down on "massage parlours" and all that kind of scum, it still seems to be getting worse. And we need to get a handle on this within our own relationships before we totally LOSE the meaning of a committed and loving relationship. As far as I am concerned, there is NO place for infidelity, smut, or plain nastiness in a sacred relationship amongst 2 people who vowed to spend the rest of their lives loving eachother. None.
Goodnight.
I am sorry that you guys were fighting, and trust me when i say I know what fighting non-stop is, and it only seems to get worse. But , like you said, this is all because we are made to feel as lesser human beings, just b/c our men cannot control their eyes. I think that is something that can be fixed right away, but for some damned reason, men don't see , feel or understand the sometimes irreperable damage they are causing. :(
Ron, you are back. And i see you did not reply to my reply to you. Is it b/c you do not have anything else to say to me, or you just looked it over? In any case, I have some comments for you.
Your quote "Have you changed so much since you married him, that he is repulsed?" seems like a low-blow, i say this only b/c you seem to be implying that the reason our men look, is OUR FAULT. I dont agree. And, although this might be true for some women, i know in my case it is totally not true. Doesnt make the situation any better or any easier, but its not the case.
Also, i have a little problem with your comment "As long as he is turned on by looking, take advantage of that and use what it provides to your advantage." It sounds like society is going backwards, that women are second-best to men and we are only here to please MAN. "Oh, look, is he excited, maybe i can get some now" instead of, " i hope we make love tonight b/c we love eachother so much". It seems as though you are advising us to be our men's servants and that we should strive to keep our MEN happy. What about us? :confused: Is a relationship not 50/50?
Again, your comments "Put on something that you know will turn him on and be ready with a smile and appreciation for his efforts at work"....and "Men have good vision.. Don't deny him the enjoyment"......seems like WE are the ones who have to constantly PLEASE our men. :confused: Please correct me if i misinterpreted your comment.
With regards to the statment "My husband looks too, but he always comes to my bed."
To me, and this is only my opinion, that is a load of B*LL. :mad: So as long as he does whatever the heck he wants, its fine cause at night we share the same sheetset & boxspring??? Nope, i dont think so. That is like, not asking for anything but a bedtime partner. I'd rather start sleeping with my Ken Doll. I'd probably get more feeling out of him.
I agree somewhat with your Romance Novel comments, and I myself have never been interested in that stuff.
Ron, I am a woman in love, :) I DONT nag my hubby every night when he walks thru the door, we almost always cuddle when we are watchin tv together, or cuddle in bed before going to sleep. We always talk to eachother while eating dinner, email and call eachother at work, leave constant cell phone messages, so its not like the flame has dwindled between us. Its this one FACT in our :eek: society that needs to be taken care of.
Look at all the manufactuers of Video games, they are practically putting porn on the covers of Nintendo games, WWF DVDs , you name it! Even though we are sort of cracking down on "massage parlours" and all that kind of scum, it still seems to be getting worse. And we need to get a handle on this within our own relationships before we totally LOSE the meaning of a committed and loving relationship. As far as I am concerned, there is NO place for infidelity, smut, or plain nastiness in a sacred relationship amongst 2 people who vowed to spend the rest of their lives loving eachother. None.
Goodnight.
Ron
12-28-2004, 09:55 PM
Thank you Ron for your insight.. I appreciate the fact that you were not rude. You must know that he is the most important thing to me, and that I have never done anything to betray him. He has done much more things than just what is mentioned here, so the pain runs deep. Last night I decided to forgive him for all he has done, I decided he had paid long enough for his mistakes. He told me that he was honestly sorry for ever making me feel like I was inferior to the " smut" he watched. I am glad that he was honest in saying that those other women do not impress him, that he didn't have lust on his mind and I believe him. Thank you for your insight
Hi Fae,
You are very welcome. You can be his fantasy girl. All you have to do is be glad to see him when he walks in the door with the world around him falling apart. You will make it all better and comforting. He won't have to look for
a soft shoulder if yours is always ready.... After all, isn't that why you are with him? Make him want to come home to your arms and he will.
You are his safe harbour. Don't sink his ship.
If he needs his slippers and a back rub, that is your job. He will will repay you
many times over when you are feeling low. He is your partner, not your
enemy. What would a libber say to you?... "Divorce the Bum!" ?
You don't want that.
I will bet you that in a couple of good years with him, you will wonder what the fuss was about.
Ron
Hi Fae,
You are very welcome. You can be his fantasy girl. All you have to do is be glad to see him when he walks in the door with the world around him falling apart. You will make it all better and comforting. He won't have to look for
a soft shoulder if yours is always ready.... After all, isn't that why you are with him? Make him want to come home to your arms and he will.
You are his safe harbour. Don't sink his ship.
If he needs his slippers and a back rub, that is your job. He will will repay you
many times over when you are feeling low. He is your partner, not your
enemy. What would a libber say to you?... "Divorce the Bum!" ?
You don't want that.
I will bet you that in a couple of good years with him, you will wonder what the fuss was about.
Ron
Smartcookie
12-28-2004, 10:11 PM
Oh, i forgot to say one thing to Faeriegirl, I admire your strength in being able to forgive your man, however I must say [and in no way am i trying to put you down or discourage you], that, if you have felt or been through even a quarter of the pain i have (and i think you have, from reading your posts) that this type forgiveness doesnt come that easily. You are not forgiving him for forgetting your dinner plans, or for spilling a glass of wine on your new carpet, this is something way different.
In any case, I hope you are still going to post on this thread, to keep us updated or when you need reassurance, or an opinion of any sort. :)
All the best.........
Smartcookie.
In any case, I hope you are still going to post on this thread, to keep us updated or when you need reassurance, or an opinion of any sort. :)
All the best.........
Smartcookie.
Ron
12-28-2004, 10:54 PM
[QUOTE=Smartcookie]Faeriegirl, :nono: , when you wrote "I feel like its not asking to much from him to not look at another woman lustfully, yet when I ask him not to I feel like I am in the wrong. I feel like the only thing I am trying to do is control him."....you are NOT asking anything from him but RESPECT. So why are you confused about that? :confused:
I am sorry that you guys were fighting, and trust me when i say I know what fighting non-stop is, and it only seems to get worse. But , like you said, this is all because we are made to feel as lesser human beings, just b/c our men cannot control their eyes. I think that is something that can be fixed right away, but for some damned reason, men don't see , feel or understand the sometimes irreperable damage they are causing. :(
Ron, you are back. And i see you did not reply to my reply to you. Is it b/c you do not have anything else to say to me, or you just looked it over? In any case, I have some comments for you.
Your quote "Have you changed so much since you married him, that he is repulsed?" seems like a low-blow, i say this only b/c you seem to be implying that the reason our men look, is OUR FAULT. I dont agree. And, although this might be true for some women, i know in my case it is totally not true. Doesnt make the situation any better or any easier, but its not the case.
***That was a question that I asked.. Not a statement of derision.
If a woman has gained a few pounds, does not put on a little make-up,
dresses in comfy sweats all the time, never smiles because she doen't like what she sees in the mirror... what do you think she will feel when she catches him looking a current model year?
Everyone takes a comment or perceived action too personally instead of saying... "Maybe I could feel better if I took a bit more time with my appearance and he would look at me more often with that glint in his eye."***
Also, i have a little problem with your comment "As long as he is turned on by looking, take advantage of that and use what it provides to your advantage." It sounds like society is going backwards, that women are second-best to men and we are only here to please MAN. "Oh, look, is he excited, maybe i can get some now" instead of, " i hope we make love tonight b/c we love eachother so much". It seems as though you are advising us to be our men's servants and that we should strive to keep our MEN happy. What about us? :confused: Is a relationship not 50/50?
***To men, SEX is showing love... To women, flowers, dinner out and sweet nothings in your ear is showing love. Women often say... "All he wants is sex! We don't communicate anymore!" BINGO... That means that men are just the same as they were hundreds or thousands of years ago...
It means that the man is not talking about or saying the things that the woman wants to hear. He doesn't know how.. You must lead the horse to water. Make him feel valued and he will be taking out the garbage without being asked, vacuuming happily, asking what is next.... while smiling at his wife.
At the very least, you will only have to say... "I am a bit busy with the kids
and dinner right now.... If you would put that wash in the machine and turn on the dryer, we will have an hour or so after the kids go to bed for some fun." What man could resist that?
Be a little playful and he will think that the sex was all his idea. That is how you win. Be sneaky and control the game. If your parents never showed you
playfulness between them, then you are at a disadvantage.
Act like more like you did when you were dating and he will melt in your hands.
It is the woman who has changed and has the choices to either go for a carreer, work, stay home, have kids, not have kids, in any order anytime she wishes... while man has only one task... go hunt the mastodon and bring it home every day. You are MORE than equal to men. ***
Again, your comments "Put on something that you know will turn him on and be ready with a smile and appreciation for his efforts at work"....and "Men have good vision.. Don't deny him the enjoyment"......seems like WE are the ones who have to constantly PLEASE our men. :confused: Please correct me if i misinterpreted your comment.
***Men marry women because everything about her "PLEASES" them...
Then women try to change the man that they married. It can happen, but not by being an angry master. I don't know how to say it plainer.***
With regards to the statment "My husband looks too, but he always comes to my bed." To me, and this is only my opinion, that is a load of B*LL. :mad: So as long as he does whatever the heck he wants, its fine cause at night we share the same sheetset & boxspring???
***Some women are insecure and it shows when they make rulles.
I never said that the man could go out with the wome he looks at, or go ask for their phone number, or leave love notes on their car... but if he wanted to go to a football game with some work buddies, would you say...?
"NO YOU CAN"T DO THAT! YOU MIGHT LOOK AT THOSE SKANKY CHEERLEADERS!" ***
Nope, i dont think so. That is like, not asking for anything but a bedtime partner. I'd rather start sleeping with my Ken Doll. I'd probably get more feeling out of him.
***Yeah! And he wouldn't have an opinion or talk back either. Just your type.***
I agree somewhat with your Romance Novel comments, and I myself have never been interested in that stuff.
***So... You cant begin to understand that little boys have been masturbating while looking at pictures of women of all kinds since they were
12. Even a copy of a National Geographic or a Sears catalogue would do.***
Ron, I am a woman in love, :) I DONT nag my hubby every night when he walks thru the door, we almost always cuddle when we are watchin tv together, or cuddle in bed before going to sleep. We always talk to eachother while eating dinner, email and call eachother at work, leave constant cell phone messages, so its not like the flame has dwindled between us. Its this one FACT in our :eek: society that needs to be taken care of.
***Thanks for the background.. So... you have morals and you fear that your husband can not control his lustful desires... That is not fair of you to make judgement based of what you "think" he is thinking..... unless you knew
in the beginning that you picked the wrong man.
Are all those calls and text messages love or INSECURITY? I did that for the first year or two and then sometimes a week would go by without a call unless I was going to work late or ask about getting groceries on the way home.
Of course, I was a telephone technician on the road and did not have a phone on the desk in front of me. Did that make me an ignorant boor or a trusting
mate with faith in the vows I repeated?***
Look at all the manufactuers of Video games, they are practically putting porn on the covers of Nintendo games, WWF DVDs , you name it! Even though we are sort of cracking down on "massage parlours" and all that kind of scum, it still seems to be getting worse.
***Give Bush a chance.. He is sort of busy with the war riight now.
If you want to see where your feelings are expressed perfectly..
go rent a movie called "Back To The Future Part 2" . You will get the message that Sex sells and there are many buyers. All you have to do is trust your man and stop looking at the advertising. Of course, you could become a Mennonite.***
And we need to get a handle on this within our own relationships before we totally LOSE the meaning of a committed and loving relationship. As far as I am concerned, there is NO place for infidelity, smut, or plain nastiness in a sacred relationship amongst 2 people who vowed to spend the rest of their lives loving eachother. None.
***But you voted liberal, didn't you? ***
Take care..
Ron
I am sorry that you guys were fighting, and trust me when i say I know what fighting non-stop is, and it only seems to get worse. But , like you said, this is all because we are made to feel as lesser human beings, just b/c our men cannot control their eyes. I think that is something that can be fixed right away, but for some damned reason, men don't see , feel or understand the sometimes irreperable damage they are causing. :(
Ron, you are back. And i see you did not reply to my reply to you. Is it b/c you do not have anything else to say to me, or you just looked it over? In any case, I have some comments for you.
Your quote "Have you changed so much since you married him, that he is repulsed?" seems like a low-blow, i say this only b/c you seem to be implying that the reason our men look, is OUR FAULT. I dont agree. And, although this might be true for some women, i know in my case it is totally not true. Doesnt make the situation any better or any easier, but its not the case.
***That was a question that I asked.. Not a statement of derision.
If a woman has gained a few pounds, does not put on a little make-up,
dresses in comfy sweats all the time, never smiles because she doen't like what she sees in the mirror... what do you think she will feel when she catches him looking a current model year?
Everyone takes a comment or perceived action too personally instead of saying... "Maybe I could feel better if I took a bit more time with my appearance and he would look at me more often with that glint in his eye."***
Also, i have a little problem with your comment "As long as he is turned on by looking, take advantage of that and use what it provides to your advantage." It sounds like society is going backwards, that women are second-best to men and we are only here to please MAN. "Oh, look, is he excited, maybe i can get some now" instead of, " i hope we make love tonight b/c we love eachother so much". It seems as though you are advising us to be our men's servants and that we should strive to keep our MEN happy. What about us? :confused: Is a relationship not 50/50?
***To men, SEX is showing love... To women, flowers, dinner out and sweet nothings in your ear is showing love. Women often say... "All he wants is sex! We don't communicate anymore!" BINGO... That means that men are just the same as they were hundreds or thousands of years ago...
It means that the man is not talking about or saying the things that the woman wants to hear. He doesn't know how.. You must lead the horse to water. Make him feel valued and he will be taking out the garbage without being asked, vacuuming happily, asking what is next.... while smiling at his wife.
At the very least, you will only have to say... "I am a bit busy with the kids
and dinner right now.... If you would put that wash in the machine and turn on the dryer, we will have an hour or so after the kids go to bed for some fun." What man could resist that?
Be a little playful and he will think that the sex was all his idea. That is how you win. Be sneaky and control the game. If your parents never showed you
playfulness between them, then you are at a disadvantage.
Act like more like you did when you were dating and he will melt in your hands.
It is the woman who has changed and has the choices to either go for a carreer, work, stay home, have kids, not have kids, in any order anytime she wishes... while man has only one task... go hunt the mastodon and bring it home every day. You are MORE than equal to men. ***
Again, your comments "Put on something that you know will turn him on and be ready with a smile and appreciation for his efforts at work"....and "Men have good vision.. Don't deny him the enjoyment"......seems like WE are the ones who have to constantly PLEASE our men. :confused: Please correct me if i misinterpreted your comment.
***Men marry women because everything about her "PLEASES" them...
Then women try to change the man that they married. It can happen, but not by being an angry master. I don't know how to say it plainer.***
With regards to the statment "My husband looks too, but he always comes to my bed." To me, and this is only my opinion, that is a load of B*LL. :mad: So as long as he does whatever the heck he wants, its fine cause at night we share the same sheetset & boxspring???
***Some women are insecure and it shows when they make rulles.
I never said that the man could go out with the wome he looks at, or go ask for their phone number, or leave love notes on their car... but if he wanted to go to a football game with some work buddies, would you say...?
"NO YOU CAN"T DO THAT! YOU MIGHT LOOK AT THOSE SKANKY CHEERLEADERS!" ***
Nope, i dont think so. That is like, not asking for anything but a bedtime partner. I'd rather start sleeping with my Ken Doll. I'd probably get more feeling out of him.
***Yeah! And he wouldn't have an opinion or talk back either. Just your type.***
I agree somewhat with your Romance Novel comments, and I myself have never been interested in that stuff.
***So... You cant begin to understand that little boys have been masturbating while looking at pictures of women of all kinds since they were
12. Even a copy of a National Geographic or a Sears catalogue would do.***
Ron, I am a woman in love, :) I DONT nag my hubby every night when he walks thru the door, we almost always cuddle when we are watchin tv together, or cuddle in bed before going to sleep. We always talk to eachother while eating dinner, email and call eachother at work, leave constant cell phone messages, so its not like the flame has dwindled between us. Its this one FACT in our :eek: society that needs to be taken care of.
***Thanks for the background.. So... you have morals and you fear that your husband can not control his lustful desires... That is not fair of you to make judgement based of what you "think" he is thinking..... unless you knew
in the beginning that you picked the wrong man.
Are all those calls and text messages love or INSECURITY? I did that for the first year or two and then sometimes a week would go by without a call unless I was going to work late or ask about getting groceries on the way home.
Of course, I was a telephone technician on the road and did not have a phone on the desk in front of me. Did that make me an ignorant boor or a trusting
mate with faith in the vows I repeated?***
Look at all the manufactuers of Video games, they are practically putting porn on the covers of Nintendo games, WWF DVDs , you name it! Even though we are sort of cracking down on "massage parlours" and all that kind of scum, it still seems to be getting worse.
***Give Bush a chance.. He is sort of busy with the war riight now.
If you want to see where your feelings are expressed perfectly..
go rent a movie called "Back To The Future Part 2" . You will get the message that Sex sells and there are many buyers. All you have to do is trust your man and stop looking at the advertising. Of course, you could become a Mennonite.***
And we need to get a handle on this within our own relationships before we totally LOSE the meaning of a committed and loving relationship. As far as I am concerned, there is NO place for infidelity, smut, or plain nastiness in a sacred relationship amongst 2 people who vowed to spend the rest of their lives loving eachother. None.
***But you voted liberal, didn't you? ***
Take care..
Ron
Smartcookie
12-29-2004, 08:34 PM
OK here goes Ron. I am going to try :cool: and not sound like I am insulting you.
I am told all the time by my hubby that he loves me, that he thinks i am hot, and i am the only one for him ever....so lets try and get away from the "maybe if you put on a silk teddy, and wore a bit more makeup you'd snatch your man back".............this is not what is happening in my case and i guess I cannot write ANYTHING :mad: to make you understand even in the smallest way, what is bothering me. So I say, to those who have answered my post , or even those who have just read it but not posted a reply, and understand and and respect (not necessarily sympathize) what I am talking about, then a big thank you and hug goes out to them. For others, I guess I cannot waste time to try and convince them that this is not about control, or about being selfish, its about respect and consideration. Thats about all I am going to say about that.
Now,are you not generalizing big-time when you say that "To women, flowers, dinner out and sweet nothings in your ear is showing love"....Ron, i dont think so. I am not like that. So you CANNOT generalize me into that category, just as you CANNOT generalize my husband into a sex-starved-maniac (which for the record, we do NOT lack). :bouncing:
Again you write "Make him feel valued"....................now explain to me once again why it is that woman does all the work in a relatiionship? What about the MALE doing for the woman? What about HIM putting on tight boxers and prancing around the bedroom? What about making HER feel valued when she does the laundry????? Huh???
My husband as a matter of fact did just attend a football game ( and NO I didn't forbid him to go) and he did comment that the slutty cheerleaders came out and did their thing. He acutally said "those broads dont belong there man".....Now of course your response is goiing to undoubtedly be "he is just saying that to keep from hurting your feelings". Guess its not possible for a guy to just NOT be into sluts eh? You're not making a very good case for males........as far as my opinion goes.
To answer your question about our calls and emails, they are not insecurity calls, they are mostly ;) "hi honey, how is your day going" or " do you want to go see this movie tonight" " or "what do you feel like for dinner" or just plain " i wish i was with you and not at work"...............So, NO they are not insecurity phone calls!!!!
Ron, I'd like to give Bush a chance but I am Canadian and dont care :p much for Bush, does that clear things up a little?
With regards to your little LIBERAL comment, it wasnt nearly as funny as you thought it was while you were typing it, so, no hardy-har from this end. :jester:
I am told all the time by my hubby that he loves me, that he thinks i am hot, and i am the only one for him ever....so lets try and get away from the "maybe if you put on a silk teddy, and wore a bit more makeup you'd snatch your man back".............this is not what is happening in my case and i guess I cannot write ANYTHING :mad: to make you understand even in the smallest way, what is bothering me. So I say, to those who have answered my post , or even those who have just read it but not posted a reply, and understand and and respect (not necessarily sympathize) what I am talking about, then a big thank you and hug goes out to them. For others, I guess I cannot waste time to try and convince them that this is not about control, or about being selfish, its about respect and consideration. Thats about all I am going to say about that.
Now,are you not generalizing big-time when you say that "To women, flowers, dinner out and sweet nothings in your ear is showing love"....Ron, i dont think so. I am not like that. So you CANNOT generalize me into that category, just as you CANNOT generalize my husband into a sex-starved-maniac (which for the record, we do NOT lack). :bouncing:
Again you write "Make him feel valued"....................now explain to me once again why it is that woman does all the work in a relatiionship? What about the MALE doing for the woman? What about HIM putting on tight boxers and prancing around the bedroom? What about making HER feel valued when she does the laundry????? Huh???
My husband as a matter of fact did just attend a football game ( and NO I didn't forbid him to go) and he did comment that the slutty cheerleaders came out and did their thing. He acutally said "those broads dont belong there man".....Now of course your response is goiing to undoubtedly be "he is just saying that to keep from hurting your feelings". Guess its not possible for a guy to just NOT be into sluts eh? You're not making a very good case for males........as far as my opinion goes.
To answer your question about our calls and emails, they are not insecurity calls, they are mostly ;) "hi honey, how is your day going" or " do you want to go see this movie tonight" " or "what do you feel like for dinner" or just plain " i wish i was with you and not at work"...............So, NO they are not insecurity phone calls!!!!
Ron, I'd like to give Bush a chance but I am Canadian and dont care :p much for Bush, does that clear things up a little?
With regards to your little LIBERAL comment, it wasnt nearly as funny as you thought it was while you were typing it, so, no hardy-har from this end. :jester:
Ron
12-29-2004, 09:14 PM
OK here goes Ron. I am going to try :cool: and not sound like I am insulting you.
I am told all the time by my hubby that he loves me, that he thinks i am hot, and i am the only one for him ever....so lets try and get away from the "maybe if you put on a silk teddy, and wore a bit more makeup you'd snatch your man back".............this is not what is happening in my case and i guess I cannot write ANYTHING :mad: to make you understand even in the smallest way, what is bothering me. So I say, to those who have answered my post , or even those who have just read it but not posted a reply, and understand and and respect (not necessarily sympathize) what I am talking about, then a big thank you and hug goes out to them. For others, I guess I cannot waste time to try and convince them that this is not about control, or about being selfish, its about respect and consideration. Thats about all I am going to say about that.
Now,are you not generalizing big-time when you say that "To women, flowers, dinner out and sweet nothings in your ear is showing love"....Ron, i dont think so. I am not like that. So you CANNOT generalize me into that category, just as you CANNOT generalize my husband into a sex-starved-maniac (which for the record, we do NOT lack). :bouncing:
Again you write "Make him feel valued"....................now explain to me once again why it is that woman does all the work in a relatiionship? What about the MALE doing for the woman? What about HIM putting on tight boxers and prancing around the bedroom? What about making HER feel valued when she does the laundry????? Huh???
My husband as a matter of fact did just attend a football game ( and NO I didn't forbid him to go) and he did comment that the slutty cheerleaders came out and did their thing. He acutally said "those broads dont belong there man".....Now of course your response is goiing to undoubtedly be "he is just saying that to keep from hurting your feelings". Guess its not possible for a guy to just NOT be into sluts eh? You're not making a very good case for males........as far as my opinion goes.
To answer your question about our calls and emails, they are not insecurity calls, they are mostly ;) "hi honey, how is your day going" or " do you want to go see this movie tonight" " or "what do you feel like for dinner" or just plain " i wish i was with you and not at work"...............So, NO they are not insecurity phone calls!!!!
Ron, I'd like to give Bush a chance but I am Canadian and dont care :p much for Bush, does that clear things up a little?
With regards to your little LIBERAL comment, it wasnt nearly as funny as you thought it was while you were typing it, so, no hardy-har from this end. :jester:
Hi Cookie,
It sounds like you are not having any marriage problems if your man is as
great as you say. Maybe the only problem is your expectations.
You seem to have chosen wisely, so stop worrying.
Maybe what I said in my previous posts will help somone else in their relationship when they see some similarity to what I said.
Now go git him, fellow Canuk! ;)
I thought you were from south of the border..
Ron... freezing in Ontario
I am told all the time by my hubby that he loves me, that he thinks i am hot, and i am the only one for him ever....so lets try and get away from the "maybe if you put on a silk teddy, and wore a bit more makeup you'd snatch your man back".............this is not what is happening in my case and i guess I cannot write ANYTHING :mad: to make you understand even in the smallest way, what is bothering me. So I say, to those who have answered my post , or even those who have just read it but not posted a reply, and understand and and respect (not necessarily sympathize) what I am talking about, then a big thank you and hug goes out to them. For others, I guess I cannot waste time to try and convince them that this is not about control, or about being selfish, its about respect and consideration. Thats about all I am going to say about that.
Now,are you not generalizing big-time when you say that "To women, flowers, dinner out and sweet nothings in your ear is showing love"....Ron, i dont think so. I am not like that. So you CANNOT generalize me into that category, just as you CANNOT generalize my husband into a sex-starved-maniac (which for the record, we do NOT lack). :bouncing:
Again you write "Make him feel valued"....................now explain to me once again why it is that woman does all the work in a relatiionship? What about the MALE doing for the woman? What about HIM putting on tight boxers and prancing around the bedroom? What about making HER feel valued when she does the laundry????? Huh???
My husband as a matter of fact did just attend a football game ( and NO I didn't forbid him to go) and he did comment that the slutty cheerleaders came out and did their thing. He acutally said "those broads dont belong there man".....Now of course your response is goiing to undoubtedly be "he is just saying that to keep from hurting your feelings". Guess its not possible for a guy to just NOT be into sluts eh? You're not making a very good case for males........as far as my opinion goes.
To answer your question about our calls and emails, they are not insecurity calls, they are mostly ;) "hi honey, how is your day going" or " do you want to go see this movie tonight" " or "what do you feel like for dinner" or just plain " i wish i was with you and not at work"...............So, NO they are not insecurity phone calls!!!!
Ron, I'd like to give Bush a chance but I am Canadian and dont care :p much for Bush, does that clear things up a little?
With regards to your little LIBERAL comment, it wasnt nearly as funny as you thought it was while you were typing it, so, no hardy-har from this end. :jester:
Hi Cookie,
It sounds like you are not having any marriage problems if your man is as
great as you say. Maybe the only problem is your expectations.
You seem to have chosen wisely, so stop worrying.
Maybe what I said in my previous posts will help somone else in their relationship when they see some similarity to what I said.
Now go git him, fellow Canuk! ;)
I thought you were from south of the border..
Ron... freezing in Ontario
LittleRose1982
12-29-2004, 09:39 PM
Hi Smartcookie
I hope you had a nice Christmas! From your most recent posts, I can really get the sense that you have a wonderful marriage. The little messages throughout the day are the kinds of things I live for. Your husband loves you so much. But it's true that all the love in the world alone can't fix this for you. His actions have got to change as a result of that love. It's so painful to know that life would be so wonderful if this problem didn't exist. I wish I could tell you what to do, or offer some brilliant advice, but I can't. The only thing that's going to help is if your husband really reaches out and makes the effort to ease your pain. The slutty women are not going to go away. The cheerleaders will always be there. And you know that. But the one thing that can change is your husband's response to them. That's the one and only thing. And the fact that he made that comment about the cheerleaders really says a lot about his progress. Maybe men are visual creatures, like Ron says... but we all have control over our actions. You can make the conscious decision not to indulge in certain vices you might have.
And I'm glad to hear you standing up for your needs (and women's needs in general). You're absolutely right that it seems lately that men's needs are the only things that matter. "wear lacy lingerie", "cook him a romantic dinner", "give him space, don't smother him or he'll get scared and run away". Ya' know what? What about what we need?? Have you ever seen so many books on what men want? And how many books have you seen detailing the needs and desires of women? ZIP! I'm glad you're not letting go of the injustice of that. And Ron, I hope you can see the sense in what I just wrote. Do you disagree that men should be working just as hard to give women what they need? Why should a woman stick around when her needs aren't being met? Men don't ever stick around! A woman makes one too many phone calls and they freak out! And here we have a woman who has committed her life to this man, suffering because of his actions but remaining with him because she vowed to see it through thick and thin, and he can't make more of an effort to provide her with what she needs just because he's a "visual creature"?! And it doesn't matter WHAT it is that she needs, what matters is that she has a need. And as her husband, he should be doing everything he can to make her comfortable and happy in life.
Smartcookie, you only have one life. And this man is supposed to be the one who is walking beside you through it. He loves you and treats you well, I can see that. But there is room for improvement on this if it's effecting the quality of your life. Don't let him lose sight of that.
I hope you had a nice Christmas! From your most recent posts, I can really get the sense that you have a wonderful marriage. The little messages throughout the day are the kinds of things I live for. Your husband loves you so much. But it's true that all the love in the world alone can't fix this for you. His actions have got to change as a result of that love. It's so painful to know that life would be so wonderful if this problem didn't exist. I wish I could tell you what to do, or offer some brilliant advice, but I can't. The only thing that's going to help is if your husband really reaches out and makes the effort to ease your pain. The slutty women are not going to go away. The cheerleaders will always be there. And you know that. But the one thing that can change is your husband's response to them. That's the one and only thing. And the fact that he made that comment about the cheerleaders really says a lot about his progress. Maybe men are visual creatures, like Ron says... but we all have control over our actions. You can make the conscious decision not to indulge in certain vices you might have.
And I'm glad to hear you standing up for your needs (and women's needs in general). You're absolutely right that it seems lately that men's needs are the only things that matter. "wear lacy lingerie", "cook him a romantic dinner", "give him space, don't smother him or he'll get scared and run away". Ya' know what? What about what we need?? Have you ever seen so many books on what men want? And how many books have you seen detailing the needs and desires of women? ZIP! I'm glad you're not letting go of the injustice of that. And Ron, I hope you can see the sense in what I just wrote. Do you disagree that men should be working just as hard to give women what they need? Why should a woman stick around when her needs aren't being met? Men don't ever stick around! A woman makes one too many phone calls and they freak out! And here we have a woman who has committed her life to this man, suffering because of his actions but remaining with him because she vowed to see it through thick and thin, and he can't make more of an effort to provide her with what she needs just because he's a "visual creature"?! And it doesn't matter WHAT it is that she needs, what matters is that she has a need. And as her husband, he should be doing everything he can to make her comfortable and happy in life.
Smartcookie, you only have one life. And this man is supposed to be the one who is walking beside you through it. He loves you and treats you well, I can see that. But there is room for improvement on this if it's effecting the quality of your life. Don't let him lose sight of that.
faeriegirl25
12-29-2004, 09:45 PM
Cookie, you are so right. Its not easy forgiving but I felt that I must do it for myself. We had another major blow up today because I felt like he was lying to me about something ( yes, another woman). We worked through it and things are better, and I didn't let my feelings from past situations fuel my anger.. I was ticked as it was. Yeah, my man says that the cheerleaders have no reason to be there at all. I feel the same way that he was only saying to to not hurt my feelings, but I only half believe it. I admire you cookie, bec you and your hubby go out to dinner and movies.. its been so long since we've did that.. the pain is just too much at times. Honestly I am too afraid to be hurt like that again, and avoiding any situation that may cause pain is the best. I know that its wrong, but with work I think that I'll be able to get over this.. I can't forget it, but hopefully I can work towards being unaffected by the little things.
Ron
12-29-2004, 11:35 PM
Hi Rose,
If your screen name is referring to your age, your comments do not surprise me.
If you have been dating guys your age, you are not getting a true picture of what they will expect once they are married.
"Do you disagree that men should be working just as hard to give women what they need? Why should a woman stick around when her needs aren't being met? Men don't ever stick around! A woman makes one too many phone calls and they freak out! "
If those phone calls are to a girlfriend to complain about him, what do you expect him to do?
You simply have to read the book I read. I know of two people who saved their marriages by applying a couple of the simple things that were said.
I have tried to convey the philosophy in that book, but you simply don't get it
no matter how I try to explain it.
Of course the woman wants her needs met, and a married man HONESTLY feels that going to work and bringing home the money is DOING THAT.
He feels that being a provider is MEETING HER NEEDS.
Some will work extra hours to ensure that her needs are being met.
He also thinks that having sex is showing her his love. Often the woman
expects more, just like in the romance novels.
Some men are threatened by having a wife work, but put up with it because
they like the extra buying power... It stilll makes them feel like less of a
warrior in the world and they often act-out. These are not really men.. These are boys.
You know that if a man can afford a new snowmobile because his wife is working, she will be upset when he takes off for the weekend with his new toy
and similarly equipped friends.
She may as well have stayed home and not contributed to the new toy, for all
the trouble it can cause. This is usually a problem of the young, who still have single friends who tease the married guys about being whipped by their woman. When all his friends are also married, the teasing will stop.
If you remember that men are simple creatures who will obey commands better than they will understand a woman who only says... "We don't communicate" or "I am not happy anymore" or "We are drifting apart" Men can't understand how to fix.. "I'm Not Happy" so don't expect them to decipher the code.
Tell them specific things to do and explain the reward... If you fold the laundry while I make supper... We will have more time together after we eat."
Don't just say.. "Why don't you do something to help you lazy bum? Do you expect me to do everything around here?" He will just go to the garage to escape. That won't meet your needs either.
Pretend that they have the vocabulary of a 4 year old and a similar attention span, You will have to lead them to the task. Don't expect them to read your mind or the annoyed expression on your face.
If you want to simply talk about something which is bothering you, over and over, don't expect your man to listen arttentively. Men want to fix things when they are broken. They don't want to keep discussing the problem.
What is a man supposed to do when the woman says... "The teacher says that Johnny is acting up at school" If you were to say.. "Please have a talk with Johnny because he is getting in trouble for telling the girls that they are ugly." That he can fix because you were specific.
If you still can't understand what I mean, I give up, because men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
Ron.... looking for a wall to beat my head against.
I am through typing NOW.
If your screen name is referring to your age, your comments do not surprise me.
If you have been dating guys your age, you are not getting a true picture of what they will expect once they are married.
"Do you disagree that men should be working just as hard to give women what they need? Why should a woman stick around when her needs aren't being met? Men don't ever stick around! A woman makes one too many phone calls and they freak out! "
If those phone calls are to a girlfriend to complain about him, what do you expect him to do?
You simply have to read the book I read. I know of two people who saved their marriages by applying a couple of the simple things that were said.
I have tried to convey the philosophy in that book, but you simply don't get it
no matter how I try to explain it.
Of course the woman wants her needs met, and a married man HONESTLY feels that going to work and bringing home the money is DOING THAT.
He feels that being a provider is MEETING HER NEEDS.
Some will work extra hours to ensure that her needs are being met.
He also thinks that having sex is showing her his love. Often the woman
expects more, just like in the romance novels.
Some men are threatened by having a wife work, but put up with it because
they like the extra buying power... It stilll makes them feel like less of a
warrior in the world and they often act-out. These are not really men.. These are boys.
You know that if a man can afford a new snowmobile because his wife is working, she will be upset when he takes off for the weekend with his new toy
and similarly equipped friends.
She may as well have stayed home and not contributed to the new toy, for all
the trouble it can cause. This is usually a problem of the young, who still have single friends who tease the married guys about being whipped by their woman. When all his friends are also married, the teasing will stop.
If you remember that men are simple creatures who will obey commands better than they will understand a woman who only says... "We don't communicate" or "I am not happy anymore" or "We are drifting apart" Men can't understand how to fix.. "I'm Not Happy" so don't expect them to decipher the code.
Tell them specific things to do and explain the reward... If you fold the laundry while I make supper... We will have more time together after we eat."
Don't just say.. "Why don't you do something to help you lazy bum? Do you expect me to do everything around here?" He will just go to the garage to escape. That won't meet your needs either.
Pretend that they have the vocabulary of a 4 year old and a similar attention span, You will have to lead them to the task. Don't expect them to read your mind or the annoyed expression on your face.
If you want to simply talk about something which is bothering you, over and over, don't expect your man to listen arttentively. Men want to fix things when they are broken. They don't want to keep discussing the problem.
What is a man supposed to do when the woman says... "The teacher says that Johnny is acting up at school" If you were to say.. "Please have a talk with Johnny because he is getting in trouble for telling the girls that they are ugly." That he can fix because you were specific.
If you still can't understand what I mean, I give up, because men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
Ron.... looking for a wall to beat my head against.
I am through typing NOW.
StormGirl
12-30-2004, 03:44 AM
Hello... I would like to say a few words and I hope that I do not offend anyone. There are some things in life that we can't change, and that is just a given. We can't change it. We can't change the fact that sex sells, that there will be half naked women on tv, that there are attractive females out shopping etc etc. We can't change that men like to look. And we can't escape the reality that men and women have totally different thought patterns. You may think that he is looking and thinking lustful thoughts, but in reality, his eyes may have settled on an attractive girl (whilst not even registering her) and he's thinking "what am I going to eat from the menu". So when you react badly, he may understand that he has hurt you, but he probably can't see how he's done anything wrong... therefore breeding an environment where he feels he has to lie to avoid hurting your feelings.
I am not trying in anyway to invalidate your feelings. I've been there myself, and I've also been on the receiving end. While you think that you are being seriously hurt by his actions, your reactions are also making his life torture. It got to the point with me that I was always conscious of where I looked for fear it would create tension with my bf. I remember once I was driving and had to look a certain direction to see if any traffic was coming, and there happened to be a guy in the same direction. My only thought at the time was "oh no, why did you have to be there", while my bf was probably thinking "look at her looking at him". And without fail, I was given the silent treatment as punishment. Did I deserve it... no. I could go on and on with these stories, and many of them are all very similar. I have no interest in other guys, or even looking at them, but my bf's issues had made my life hell.
Many of you on here have acknowledged that it is a problem within you, and blame your partner. Truth is, it may not be quite as much his fault as you believe. You know you have a problem, so why not try to fix it or get help for it? Yes, your partner should understand, but we can't control what other people do, and sometimes, either can they. We can only do what we can to make our own lives as comfortable as possible. Wouldn't it be much better if you tried to fix the problem from your end, so that you are not always upset or have to avoid certain situations? And what if by some chance the guy tried his best and lived a tortured life being careful to always look in the right direction, would that be the end? Would you be happy then? Or would there be some other habit of his that you need to change to make you happy? Or would you be so worried checking up on him to convince yourself that he has changed that you would be unhappy anyway?
It's sort of like, say racist people. They may annoy the hell out of you and frustrate you to no end. But they are there, and always will be. So in order for it not to affect your life too much, you need to change your thought pattern and see things from a different perspective.
Again, please do not see this post as being negative or unsympathetic. It's a horrible way to live, and I feel for you all. I'm just trying to help you see that it's also something that you need to work on yourselves, otherwise your reactions will push loved ones to the thing you fear most. There is alot of defensiveness in this thread and all seem adamant that it is strictly the fault of the partner - I just wanted to show a different side, and that it can also be traumatic for the one on the receiving end. But you are all suffering from some issues, be it OCD, insecurity, control issues, past issues, relationship issues, trust issues etc etc. That is really only something you can fix.
Good luck to you all.
I am not trying in anyway to invalidate your feelings. I've been there myself, and I've also been on the receiving end. While you think that you are being seriously hurt by his actions, your reactions are also making his life torture. It got to the point with me that I was always conscious of where I looked for fear it would create tension with my bf. I remember once I was driving and had to look a certain direction to see if any traffic was coming, and there happened to be a guy in the same direction. My only thought at the time was "oh no, why did you have to be there", while my bf was probably thinking "look at her looking at him". And without fail, I was given the silent treatment as punishment. Did I deserve it... no. I could go on and on with these stories, and many of them are all very similar. I have no interest in other guys, or even looking at them, but my bf's issues had made my life hell.
Many of you on here have acknowledged that it is a problem within you, and blame your partner. Truth is, it may not be quite as much his fault as you believe. You know you have a problem, so why not try to fix it or get help for it? Yes, your partner should understand, but we can't control what other people do, and sometimes, either can they. We can only do what we can to make our own lives as comfortable as possible. Wouldn't it be much better if you tried to fix the problem from your end, so that you are not always upset or have to avoid certain situations? And what if by some chance the guy tried his best and lived a tortured life being careful to always look in the right direction, would that be the end? Would you be happy then? Or would there be some other habit of his that you need to change to make you happy? Or would you be so worried checking up on him to convince yourself that he has changed that you would be unhappy anyway?
It's sort of like, say racist people. They may annoy the hell out of you and frustrate you to no end. But they are there, and always will be. So in order for it not to affect your life too much, you need to change your thought pattern and see things from a different perspective.
Again, please do not see this post as being negative or unsympathetic. It's a horrible way to live, and I feel for you all. I'm just trying to help you see that it's also something that you need to work on yourselves, otherwise your reactions will push loved ones to the thing you fear most. There is alot of defensiveness in this thread and all seem adamant that it is strictly the fault of the partner - I just wanted to show a different side, and that it can also be traumatic for the one on the receiving end. But you are all suffering from some issues, be it OCD, insecurity, control issues, past issues, relationship issues, trust issues etc etc. That is really only something you can fix.
Good luck to you all.
LittleRose1982
12-30-2004, 06:44 PM
Okay Ron... You say that all we need to do is tell men in 4-year old's vocabulary what we want. She is doing that! She is telling him exactly what to do to make her happy! And you are seriously mistaken if you think that all men think that all it takes to satisfy their wives is bringing home the money. I know that there are men out there who know how to be respectful of their wives and keep them happy all around- not just financially.
And my screen name has nothing to do with my age just so you know. No, I have never been married and maybe I don't truly know what's going on in Smartcookie's marriage but I am a woman and I can relate.
You are very closedminded if you insist on believing men feel their marital obligations are met by bringing home a paycheck. Come on now. I may not have all the knowledge in the world, but I know that men can't be THAT stupid. It's no mystery that women want to feel loved by their husbands. That is common sense a 4th grader could tell you. So you truly believe that men don't understand this? And they don't know how to make a woman feel loved and respected? Honestly?
I'm sorry but I guess I may be misunderstanding you because that makes no sense at all to me and I can't believe you would even argue that point.
And my screen name has nothing to do with my age just so you know. No, I have never been married and maybe I don't truly know what's going on in Smartcookie's marriage but I am a woman and I can relate.
You are very closedminded if you insist on believing men feel their marital obligations are met by bringing home a paycheck. Come on now. I may not have all the knowledge in the world, but I know that men can't be THAT stupid. It's no mystery that women want to feel loved by their husbands. That is common sense a 4th grader could tell you. So you truly believe that men don't understand this? And they don't know how to make a woman feel loved and respected? Honestly?
I'm sorry but I guess I may be misunderstanding you because that makes no sense at all to me and I can't believe you would even argue that point.
StormGirl
01-02-2005, 02:45 AM
I was waiting for the backlash on my comments :eek: . Just wondering what your thoughts were and if it helped to see another perspective? :)
LittleRose1982
01-04-2005, 10:29 PM
Storm girl,
I actually found your post to be very insightful. I agree with everything you said and if I was back to my old self again, I would say it myself. So I do have a healthy outlook on life, it's just kinda "blocked" right now. My logical thoughts no longer control my actions.
I know that it's not the fault of the partner. But it's hard to convince yourself to FEEL it. YOu're right though, this is probably incredibly hard on the men as well. Its no way to live and I wish every day that I would either be healed or just let God take me because there's not much more I can take. I'm not myself, but I remember who I was, and it's the worst kind of torture in the world to not be able to go back to who I was.
I actually found your post to be very insightful. I agree with everything you said and if I was back to my old self again, I would say it myself. So I do have a healthy outlook on life, it's just kinda "blocked" right now. My logical thoughts no longer control my actions.
I know that it's not the fault of the partner. But it's hard to convince yourself to FEEL it. YOu're right though, this is probably incredibly hard on the men as well. Its no way to live and I wish every day that I would either be healed or just let God take me because there's not much more I can take. I'm not myself, but I remember who I was, and it's the worst kind of torture in the world to not be able to go back to who I was.
kitkat77
01-04-2005, 11:26 PM
Backlash, StormGirl? You hit the nail on the head! Reading what you wrote is like listening to the same stuff my fiance has been trying to tell me but I didn't understand it the way he said it. Your explanation (from a female of course) makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom ! :bouncing:
StormGirl
01-05-2005, 05:23 AM
Oh thank you! I am glad that I have helped in some way, I was just hoping that no one would take my post the wrong way because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I know that it is extremely tough, and I know that it is a horrible way to live, and that you don't do this to your partners to make them feel bad. I realise that it is very debilitating, which is why I wanted to show you that you must get help for yourself - it is the only way to find some peace again. Littlerose, you really seem to be struggling and that saddens my heart. I agree that it must be torture for you to be trapped in this "other person". It must be hell. Please try and seek some sort of professional help if you feel you can not do it on your own. You have the power now to control how this affects you, so don't let it get the better of you. Help yourself to heal and be rid of these thoughts so you can enjoy life again, by resolving the cause of these problems.
I guess it all depends on how much you really want to be healed. It will not happen overnight, it will be a long, weary haul, but wouldn't it be worth it in the end to give it a determined shot?
I can feel the heartache in all of these posts, and send my very best wishes out to all of you. :angel:
I guess it all depends on how much you really want to be healed. It will not happen overnight, it will be a long, weary haul, but wouldn't it be worth it in the end to give it a determined shot?
I can feel the heartache in all of these posts, and send my very best wishes out to all of you. :angel:
Smartcookie
01-06-2005, 10:44 PM
Hey everyone, sorry i havent posted in a while, but I am back now!
I am going to go back and read some of the latest posts and then reply.
See y'all soon!
I am going to go back and read some of the latest posts and then reply.
See y'all soon!
faeriegirl25
01-12-2005, 11:32 PM
Hey all, hope all is well
Ellecram
01-13-2005, 12:00 AM
Wow! - I read the first section of this thread and my jaw dropped. I have experienced the very same issues throughout my life's relationships. In fact - I had a particularly outrageous episode on a beach in Greece in 2002 with my fiance at the time (this epsisode was the beginning of the end) - before we went I expressed to him that I would be very uncomfortable if we to encounter any "nude sunbathers" - he had lived in Greece several years so he located a remote area where we were not likely to encounter too much of this if any. As luck would have it some European couple parks a few feet away and off comes the top. I felt myself lose control immediately and started ranting and raving like a lunatic at my fiance - the F bomb and all - then - this is the worst part - I threw off MY shirt and started stomping up & down the beach making all kinds of non sensical comments - it was truly a moment of uncontrollable acting out the likes of which I had never ever thought possible from myself. Of course there weren't many pepole there at all - just the perplexed couple and a Romanian construction crew working on a building site behind the beach. I felt sooo awful after it happened and tried to discuss it with him - he never forgave me and he ended the relationship in January 2004 - we had been engaged from 1999 until that time. I was devastated at his lack of forgiveness. He had a past that involved strip joints - heavy drug & alcohol use and more..... - he also was involved in a local high profile murder case in the 1980's - his girlfriend at the time had a heart attack or some toxic reaction to a cocaine Overdose - he attempted to do a tracheotomy on her and CPR at the same time - left her nude and exsanguinated body in a bathtub of water - fled the country - his family was very rich and they managed to get him a lawyer who got him acquited of murder/manslaughter - whatever he was charged with ........
What really got me was that I had accepted this checkered criminal past of his w/o question - he had been involved in the 12 step recovery system for many years when we met - so this stuff was behind him - I tried to explain the issues I had with him oogling other woman, etc. - he made some attempts to address it, but then would refuse to talk about it as if it did not exist (he minimized the whole issue) - there is a lot more to this but I am grateful to find that other people experience the same thing - I really felt horribly alone - like I have some kind of wretched, unforgivable personality characteristic - I am now terrified of dating again. I was married for 10 years (1982 - 1992) - celibate and single from 92 - 99 (not even a date) - it has been a year since I have been in a relationship and it really feels like I am hopeless. At least reading this I don't feel I have incurable cooties!- Elle
What really got me was that I had accepted this checkered criminal past of his w/o question - he had been involved in the 12 step recovery system for many years when we met - so this stuff was behind him - I tried to explain the issues I had with him oogling other woman, etc. - he made some attempts to address it, but then would refuse to talk about it as if it did not exist (he minimized the whole issue) - there is a lot more to this but I am grateful to find that other people experience the same thing - I really felt horribly alone - like I have some kind of wretched, unforgivable personality characteristic - I am now terrified of dating again. I was married for 10 years (1982 - 1992) - celibate and single from 92 - 99 (not even a date) - it has been a year since I have been in a relationship and it really feels like I am hopeless. At least reading this I don't feel I have incurable cooties!- Elle
stara03
01-13-2005, 07:31 AM
sorry to just jump into this post but, Elle, i can relate to your story and much else written here. i have struggled with such jealousy issues with my husband for so long now...sometimes are better than others and sometimes my jealousy is more rational than others but either way it is such an awful, helpless feeling to feel this way. Elle, i get upset by my husband looking at women on tv so the nude sunbather episode would have done me in! i posted once before on this topic, truly thinking i was the only one in the world to struggle with this, and, turns out, so many people (women especially) have these feelings and reactions but NO ONE talks about it. i do hope we can keep talking here...
Ellecram
01-13-2005, 09:36 AM
Stara03 - Thank you for validating my reaction - I really felt like I had some kind of unusual, unheard of reaction - until I read this thread - I hope we can keep talking here also! - Elle
PS - Where is your other post?
PS - Where is your other post?
stara03
01-13-2005, 10:03 AM
Hello All!
Elle, I previously posted a message on this board (last march I think) titled “problems with irrational jealousy.” If you have a chance to check it out, let me know what you think.
Since I posted on this thread, I went back and read it all over, and am continuously amazed that I am not the only one to struggle with this. In my own reality I feel so alone with it all. My husband knows my issues but friends and family really do not. I do think, at least for me, it’s all routed in self esteem issues, but like SmartCookie has described, my husband has done some things (not actual cheating) to, I believe, legitimize my concerns and lack of trust. It’s all so complicated, as you all know, and not nearly as simple and selfish and controllable as some people think. I do look forward to hearing from you all.
Elle, I previously posted a message on this board (last march I think) titled “problems with irrational jealousy.” If you have a chance to check it out, let me know what you think.
Since I posted on this thread, I went back and read it all over, and am continuously amazed that I am not the only one to struggle with this. In my own reality I feel so alone with it all. My husband knows my issues but friends and family really do not. I do think, at least for me, it’s all routed in self esteem issues, but like SmartCookie has described, my husband has done some things (not actual cheating) to, I believe, legitimize my concerns and lack of trust. It’s all so complicated, as you all know, and not nearly as simple and selfish and controllable as some people think. I do look forward to hearing from you all.
Smartcookie
01-13-2005, 01:45 PM
HELLO all Newbie posters to this thread. Sorry i have been out of the loop but some stuff is happening right now in my life (some good, some bad) so not too much time on the hands to surf the net and post each day like i was ) hopefully things will simmer down soon and i can post/check this thread regulary.
To Elle, Storm Girl, Stara03 (sorry if i missed some)....glad you found my thread. I too, honestly felt like a psycho for being like this,but there is proof here, that our feelings are indeed validated.
Please, keep posting, (even though I cannot post regularly, I still try to check this thread as much as i can).....
Good wishes to all......
Where are all you others? :)
To Elle, Storm Girl, Stara03 (sorry if i missed some)....glad you found my thread. I too, honestly felt like a psycho for being like this,but there is proof here, that our feelings are indeed validated.
Please, keep posting, (even though I cannot post regularly, I still try to check this thread as much as i can).....
Good wishes to all......
Where are all you others? :)
Ellecram
01-13-2005, 06:57 PM
Stara03 - I will check out your previous thread as soon as I can. Reading thru this thread has really been the only comfort and validation I have ever received regarding this issue. I used to pour thru the stacks of psyche books in the universtity library where I recently completed my Masters in Social Work - but there was virtually nothing at all on this topic - a few minor publications on pornography and women's reactions were all I could locate. I have not done any further searching since then - and since I have been "single" again for a year - no need to. That issue only seems to come up when I am in a relationship (duh??!!). It is so very complicated and is indeed rooted in self esteem and abandonment issues - at times I think my over reaction to things like naked women in a movie when I am with a significant other has some element of fear. Fear of what I don't know. I have never explored the whole issue. There is one woman I work with who is a bit younger than me who has admitted to similar reactions - we were both surprised to find this commonality. But we are not really friends and don't interact much. I dread being in a relationship again because I know this will certainly come up again. Smartcookie - I am grateful that you posted this thread - I am sure that there are many who will read thru this and be comforted. WE are not psycho!!
Stara (and anyone else who feels comfortable responding) - how do you and your husband handle going to a movie where there might be the possibiloity of a reaction? How did all of it come to light with him? (Pardon me if I am asking stuff that has already been answered - I am curious and interested in your experiences).
Elle
Stara (and anyone else who feels comfortable responding) - how do you and your husband handle going to a movie where there might be the possibiloity of a reaction? How did all of it come to light with him? (Pardon me if I am asking stuff that has already been answered - I am curious and interested in your experiences).
Elle
stara03
01-15-2005, 08:13 PM
Hello everyone,
Elle, in response to your ques about seeing movies and stuff, the answer is really that we don’t. we hardly even watch tv. My husband goes along with all of this to humor me, since tvs and movies are such flammable situations for me. It makes me angry that in movies and tv (and virtually everywhere else) women are portrayed as sex objects and continuously exploited and degraded. When women use their bodies to get ahead it makes it very hard for those of us who are legitimately trying to use our brains to be successful. Of course I understand that women allow themselves to be cast in such roles, but I think that would have to be the subject of a whole new thread! My husband humors me on this topic, if it were up to him I can only imagine what he would choose to watch…in fact I don’t have to look back very far to when we lived apart to answer that question. It was the source of many arguments…
I realize I must sound judgmental and awfully hard to be around. That may be true but I am also a genuinely good person that is just PLAGUED by these unwanted and obsessional thoughts. I cannot let go of things that have happened in the past between me and my husband, and it is very difficult. I get soooo mad at myself for being like this but I am truly at a loss as to what to do.
How is everyone doing?
Elle, in response to your ques about seeing movies and stuff, the answer is really that we don’t. we hardly even watch tv. My husband goes along with all of this to humor me, since tvs and movies are such flammable situations for me. It makes me angry that in movies and tv (and virtually everywhere else) women are portrayed as sex objects and continuously exploited and degraded. When women use their bodies to get ahead it makes it very hard for those of us who are legitimately trying to use our brains to be successful. Of course I understand that women allow themselves to be cast in such roles, but I think that would have to be the subject of a whole new thread! My husband humors me on this topic, if it were up to him I can only imagine what he would choose to watch…in fact I don’t have to look back very far to when we lived apart to answer that question. It was the source of many arguments…
I realize I must sound judgmental and awfully hard to be around. That may be true but I am also a genuinely good person that is just PLAGUED by these unwanted and obsessional thoughts. I cannot let go of things that have happened in the past between me and my husband, and it is very difficult. I get soooo mad at myself for being like this but I am truly at a loss as to what to do.
How is everyone doing?
Ellecram
01-15-2005, 08:55 PM
Not doing well at all - I think that I will never be able to have a relationship again because of these intrusive thoughts - and I saw how far the rage could go - with me acting out like a lunatic w/o a shirt on in front of total strangers. Me and my ex fiance rarely did the movie or TV thing - a couple of times I had bad reactions and he thought so poorly of me - in the end he said he could not handle not going to movies, etc - and that I was trying to control him with my reactions! And he always would verbalize that he was against the exploitation of women, yet he had been with prostitutes in the past, had a collection of pornography - which he decided to toss after we started dating - to me this is hypocrisy. You are lucky to have som one who understands and accepts. - Elle
Smartcookie
01-19-2005, 09:29 PM
Stara03, you wrote "I realize I must sound judgmental and awfully hard to be around. That may be true but I am also a genuinely good person that is just PLAGUED by these unwanted and obsessional thoughts. I cannot let go of things that have happened in the past between me and my husband, and it is very difficult. I get soooo mad at myself for being like this but I am truly at a loss as to what to do." Goodness, this is so ME. I want to let go, but its so damn difficult and anytime another 'situation"arises, there come the arguements and accusations, all streaming in like a raging river. It seems endless. Its like, I would LOVE to give myself a LOBOTOMY and start fresh , to see if I would develop the same attitude, but sadly, I think I would. It just doesnt help that my hubby has an 'unfavourable' past under his belt.
Ellecram, I feel for you, I too had many an arugment, with regards to me 'trying' to control him via my insane reactions, so i know what thats like.
We just have to find some solution to rid ourselves of this crap, we really do.
Peace.
Ellecram, I feel for you, I too had many an arugment, with regards to me 'trying' to control him via my insane reactions, so i know what thats like.
We just have to find some solution to rid ourselves of this crap, we really do.
Peace.
stara03
01-21-2005, 09:15 AM
hello,
smartcookie, i have to tell you that reading through all you wrote, i feel like i wrote it! i am glad your still posting here as i can really relate to you, especially in terms of our husbands having done something to base this all on...please keep checking and posting. i think we could offer eachother a lot of comfort and support since we are so completely on the same wave length.
Elle,
how are you doing? thank you for responding to my posts. i still think about your first post and what an intense experience that all must have been for you. in response to your last post, yes i am very lucky to have someone who cares for me and wants to be with me despite all this. but as time goes on, and we continue to fight about the same issues, i do wonder how long he, and i, can put up with this. i want to figure out a way to get myself past this because i know it will continue to happen in every relationship i may be in. also, i too have done research in school on this and there is very little about this sort of thing--whatever it may be called.
sometimes are worse than others for me. how about you all? when it's bad, it's so bad, and i get the worst, most awful feeling inside that i can hardly describe, but smartcookie and elle, you probably know what i mean. it is hard to feel anything but helpless over these feelings as they are SO powerful i feel like they just overwhelm me. one of the worst situations for me is the tv, and really the commercials! it just feels like a constant bombardment of these images and it causes such problems in my relationship. i just hate feeling like this and being like this...imagine how freeing it must be to not have to deal with this. i would give anything for some peace.
smartcookie, i have to tell you that reading through all you wrote, i feel like i wrote it! i am glad your still posting here as i can really relate to you, especially in terms of our husbands having done something to base this all on...please keep checking and posting. i think we could offer eachother a lot of comfort and support since we are so completely on the same wave length.
Elle,
how are you doing? thank you for responding to my posts. i still think about your first post and what an intense experience that all must have been for you. in response to your last post, yes i am very lucky to have someone who cares for me and wants to be with me despite all this. but as time goes on, and we continue to fight about the same issues, i do wonder how long he, and i, can put up with this. i want to figure out a way to get myself past this because i know it will continue to happen in every relationship i may be in. also, i too have done research in school on this and there is very little about this sort of thing--whatever it may be called.
sometimes are worse than others for me. how about you all? when it's bad, it's so bad, and i get the worst, most awful feeling inside that i can hardly describe, but smartcookie and elle, you probably know what i mean. it is hard to feel anything but helpless over these feelings as they are SO powerful i feel like they just overwhelm me. one of the worst situations for me is the tv, and really the commercials! it just feels like a constant bombardment of these images and it causes such problems in my relationship. i just hate feeling like this and being like this...imagine how freeing it must be to not have to deal with this. i would give anything for some peace.
Smartcookie
01-21-2005, 10:58 PM
Stara03, this thread in itself has become a minor obession of mine, only b/c it validiated my feelings (with everyones responses).
Yes, the feelings we experience are totally powerful, these awful feelings, however they are not made up, so our partners need to really understand this.
I will definatley try to post, at least every other day.....I need to, and hope you will too!
Yes, the feelings we experience are totally powerful, these awful feelings, however they are not made up, so our partners need to really understand this.
I will definatley try to post, at least every other day.....I need to, and hope you will too!
Ellecram
01-23-2005, 03:25 PM
Yes - this thread has become an obsession of mine also - even though at the moment I am not in a reationship - it has been such a relief from the staggering belief that I was the only one who felt this way - I look forward to reading about your struggles - good and bad.
I guess I don't have much to offer as I am too afraid to enter into antother relationship - primarily because of this but for other reasons too.
I am wondering if any of you have had any success with any kind of therapy or medication? I have been on anti-depressants but apparently they did not work for this....!
I guess I don't have much to offer as I am too afraid to enter into antother relationship - primarily because of this but for other reasons too.
I am wondering if any of you have had any success with any kind of therapy or medication? I have been on anti-depressants but apparently they did not work for this....!
Smartcookie
01-23-2005, 06:17 PM
Hey Ellecram, I totally, totally understand why you are hesitant about beginning another relationship, but I do have some advice. Please, if you are interested in someone, don't pass up the opportunity for happiness. Just go for it. You never know if he/she could be the one. I mean, yes, there will undoubtedly be disappointments, arguments and hurts ,but it doesnt have to be THIS problem. No relationship in the world is without faults etc...so please, don't let this garbage STOP you from entering a relationship. That is not to say that you won't go into it with a fence up (which isnt great either) however, you are at least giving it a chance. Otherwise, you will be lonely and sad forever. We don't need this.
To answer your question, I have not tried any med's (not too thrilled with the idea of dependancy, as I am afraid thats what will happen).
Where I work, there is a program where there are counsellors and social workers [& psychologists--I think-] that are apparently 'free' and anonymous. I would love to talk to someone there about this, however, I somehow feel that then , should they ever meet my hubby at a social function, or meet ME at a work party or whatever, then they will look at me and know all my businsess. Or better yet, if we are together, judge my husband and think of him as an a**h*le. So.....i should actually look more into it and see how it works. But nope, never tried either yet.
To answer your question, I have not tried any med's (not too thrilled with the idea of dependancy, as I am afraid thats what will happen).
Where I work, there is a program where there are counsellors and social workers [& psychologists--I think-] that are apparently 'free' and anonymous. I would love to talk to someone there about this, however, I somehow feel that then , should they ever meet my hubby at a social function, or meet ME at a work party or whatever, then they will look at me and know all my businsess. Or better yet, if we are together, judge my husband and think of him as an a**h*le. So.....i should actually look more into it and see how it works. But nope, never tried either yet.
stara03
01-24-2005, 10:01 AM
Hello!
Regarding the question of therapy, meds, etc… I can tell you that my situation got so bad last year that, for the first time in my life, I saw a psychiatrist. It helped somewhat. What really helped was the anti-depressant she put me on (lexapro). I took it for about 4-5 months and for the first time in AGES I was not plagued by these thoughts. It was like the very same things that KILL me now just did not affect me then. It’s not that I wouldn’t have thoughts but I just did not care! No sooner did I have the thought then I would put it out of my mind. Now, and me normally without meds, it’s all different. I think of my brain like Velcro. I get these thoughts and they just stick to my brain. No matter how much I tell myself I don’t care, nothing makes me not care like the anti-depressant did. Although it was relief and I was grateful, it didn’t necessarily feel natural. I stopped because it zapped me completely of any sex drive and since I don’t want my husband looking at other women, I cannot not be interested in sex. And it was awful for me too! By the time I stopped the lexarpo, I was feeling better, but over the next six months or so, I felt my symptoms start to increase and come back. Then I found nude pics on our computer (MY COMPUTER!!!) and just lost it. That was about five months ago and things have not been the same since. I am still devastated.
I can’t even say if our marriage will work at this point. It’s been five months and my anger has not diminished at all. It eats at me all the time, and then I think of all the other things he’s done over the years (of course not actual cheating which is what makes all of this impossible for anyone—but you guys—to understand).
My husband is convinced that I’ll never trust him again and that its only a matter of time until I realize this and end the relationship over it. I can’t imagine it cuz Elle, like you, I would be too afraid to ever get into a relationship again. If I did have it to do over again, the very first time I “caught” him, I would put my foot down, maybe even leave. My husband now tells me that the times I have “caught” him over the years were not that meaningful cuz I didn’t leave him. The reaction that I did have (crying, devastation, blow to self esteem, depression, etc.) apparently none of that was strong enough for him so see how very much I was hurt. The bottom line: unless you leave or threaten to leave (and really mean it), they will not take you seriously.
I can’t even say if our marriage will work at this point. It’s been five months and my anger has not diminished at all. It eats at me all the time, and then I think of all the other things he’s done over the years (of course not actual cheating which is what makes all of this impossible for anyone—but you guys—to understand).
What has actually helped me more than anything (meds, therapy) is posting on sites like this and these conversations. I would give anything to be able to go to some sort of a support group with women with this same issue. Medication has its drawbacks and therapy hasn’t done much for me. (I have a background in psychology/social work so I do believe in therapy, it just hasn’t helped me, with this). Talking to others who can really understand has been most helpful. The internet has been great for this. It lets us reach out to people who may geographically be nowhere near us…and lets us reveal ourselves in ways that are just too scary in real life. I can’t even talk to my friends and family about this. They don’t understand. You guys do. Just knowing that I am not as completely alone as I feel has been a huge relief. But still, it’s just so difficult… :(
Regarding the question of therapy, meds, etc… I can tell you that my situation got so bad last year that, for the first time in my life, I saw a psychiatrist. It helped somewhat. What really helped was the anti-depressant she put me on (lexapro). I took it for about 4-5 months and for the first time in AGES I was not plagued by these thoughts. It was like the very same things that KILL me now just did not affect me then. It’s not that I wouldn’t have thoughts but I just did not care! No sooner did I have the thought then I would put it out of my mind. Now, and me normally without meds, it’s all different. I think of my brain like Velcro. I get these thoughts and they just stick to my brain. No matter how much I tell myself I don’t care, nothing makes me not care like the anti-depressant did. Although it was relief and I was grateful, it didn’t necessarily feel natural. I stopped because it zapped me completely of any sex drive and since I don’t want my husband looking at other women, I cannot not be interested in sex. And it was awful for me too! By the time I stopped the lexarpo, I was feeling better, but over the next six months or so, I felt my symptoms start to increase and come back. Then I found nude pics on our computer (MY COMPUTER!!!) and just lost it. That was about five months ago and things have not been the same since. I am still devastated.
I can’t even say if our marriage will work at this point. It’s been five months and my anger has not diminished at all. It eats at me all the time, and then I think of all the other things he’s done over the years (of course not actual cheating which is what makes all of this impossible for anyone—but you guys—to understand).
My husband is convinced that I’ll never trust him again and that its only a matter of time until I realize this and end the relationship over it. I can’t imagine it cuz Elle, like you, I would be too afraid to ever get into a relationship again. If I did have it to do over again, the very first time I “caught” him, I would put my foot down, maybe even leave. My husband now tells me that the times I have “caught” him over the years were not that meaningful cuz I didn’t leave him. The reaction that I did have (crying, devastation, blow to self esteem, depression, etc.) apparently none of that was strong enough for him so see how very much I was hurt. The bottom line: unless you leave or threaten to leave (and really mean it), they will not take you seriously.
I can’t even say if our marriage will work at this point. It’s been five months and my anger has not diminished at all. It eats at me all the time, and then I think of all the other things he’s done over the years (of course not actual cheating which is what makes all of this impossible for anyone—but you guys—to understand).
What has actually helped me more than anything (meds, therapy) is posting on sites like this and these conversations. I would give anything to be able to go to some sort of a support group with women with this same issue. Medication has its drawbacks and therapy hasn’t done much for me. (I have a background in psychology/social work so I do believe in therapy, it just hasn’t helped me, with this). Talking to others who can really understand has been most helpful. The internet has been great for this. It lets us reach out to people who may geographically be nowhere near us…and lets us reveal ourselves in ways that are just too scary in real life. I can’t even talk to my friends and family about this. They don’t understand. You guys do. Just knowing that I am not as completely alone as I feel has been a huge relief. But still, it’s just so difficult… :(
Ellecram
01-25-2005, 07:56 PM
SmartC - I cried when I read your kind reply! Right now I am not interested in anyone and have no energy to even look - I was married from 1982 - 1992/ totally celibate & non dating from 1992 - 1999 (raising a son and trying to get a creer started). It so happened that I became engaged to the guy I dated in 1999. I was engaged from 1999 until the end of 2003. Since then - went out on a couple of dates but seems rather pointless - I am already sad and lonely so more of same does not bother me! I just feel so defeated in everything - not just this - I do appreciate your advice though/maybe there will be a change but I cannot foresee it - right now work takes up my time - along with keeping tabs on my elderly father & my HIV + brother who was just recently diagnosed with schizophrenia & I had to committ him to a hospital involuntarily - and trying to deal with the unending tragedy that my son has spiraled into - addiction, mental health diagnosis, no work, sits in his bedroom all day and plays video games - currently on his third DUI and not even 22 yet. The irony is that I am a Licensed Social Worker (with a master's degree - doesn't mean much when it comes to your own family) - employed in the field of child welfare (actually this job gobbles up the mafority of my time - it would take all of it if I let it!) with a part time position as a social worker for a visiting nurse agency. Whew - just writing all that makes me tired! I have severe degenerative disc disease in my spine and am losing the ability to walk - I struggle with severe pain & fatique many days - I do miss having a committed partner - sometimes so much that I break down and cry - like I am now .....sorry - it is nearly 7 PM and I am still in my office - but I just feel like I have no energy to take on a man - can you imagine someone reading my Profile and actually getting turned on!!! There is just no way to sugar coat this stuff - And then top it off with the severe OCD disorder concerning pictures/movies/etc of other woman and my gutteral , irrational , primal outbursts when confronted with it!!! One thing about me - and I am grateful - is that I can generally make everyone laugh (including myself) about the sheer absurdity of it all -
but yes, Stara - I cannot reveal this to my friends and family in any kind of serious way - I don't think anyone would understand - when it happens, I seem to expereince the emotional reaction with a set pf physical symptoms as well - I get a physical tightness - like I am in the flight/fight mode - and (like the nude beach in Greece) - I lose all sense of decorum - I spew out vile hatred and can't seem to control it - like you Stara - the anger never dissipates - and it tags along with every other rotten thing I can conjure up on him - in fact, I have been dis-engaged for over a year now - no contact with him either - and I still get angry about the stuff that happened - how I became upset at his collection of porno mags and movies (which he decided to dump) - finding porn sites on his computer (we never lived together) - him telling me that he had been with prostitutes in the past - Ugh!
Stara - I feel so bad that you are dealing with the nude pictures on your computer and your husband's reaction - you are right - a support group would be a blessing - as it stands, these forums have offered the most relief - what are we to do!!
I have been on anti-depressants for several years now - it helps in some respects with the anger by artificially creating a sense of apathy for awhile - but it doesn't seem to last - it seems to build up a tolerance after a time. And I have never tried the cognitive -behavioral therapy - I guess I would like to try - but I think a support group would be better!
And you guys are a true find! I am so hoping that you both will find a way to get some peace with it all - and I hope your husbands continue to be caring and supportive ......... bye for now - Elle
but yes, Stara - I cannot reveal this to my friends and family in any kind of serious way - I don't think anyone would understand - when it happens, I seem to expereince the emotional reaction with a set pf physical symptoms as well - I get a physical tightness - like I am in the flight/fight mode - and (like the nude beach in Greece) - I lose all sense of decorum - I spew out vile hatred and can't seem to control it - like you Stara - the anger never dissipates - and it tags along with every other rotten thing I can conjure up on him - in fact, I have been dis-engaged for over a year now - no contact with him either - and I still get angry about the stuff that happened - how I became upset at his collection of porno mags and movies (which he decided to dump) - finding porn sites on his computer (we never lived together) - him telling me that he had been with prostitutes in the past - Ugh!
Stara - I feel so bad that you are dealing with the nude pictures on your computer and your husband's reaction - you are right - a support group would be a blessing - as it stands, these forums have offered the most relief - what are we to do!!
I have been on anti-depressants for several years now - it helps in some respects with the anger by artificially creating a sense of apathy for awhile - but it doesn't seem to last - it seems to build up a tolerance after a time. And I have never tried the cognitive -behavioral therapy - I guess I would like to try - but I think a support group would be better!
And you guys are a true find! I am so hoping that you both will find a way to get some peace with it all - and I hope your husbands continue to be caring and supportive ......... bye for now - Elle
LittleRose1982
01-25-2005, 08:14 PM
Hi Smartcookie! I have not been around. I hope you are well, and that your holidays went well too. I ended it with him. 2 weeks ago. It just built up so much and I had tried everything I could think of to blame it on something other than him. But it didn't work. It was entirely him that was causing my OCD and my anxiety. I was with the wrong person, basically, and it was killing me inside. I'm out now, and I am not looking back. So far I have felt entirely better and OCD-free. I feel like I had reason to be so suspecting of him because 2 nights after we broke up I drove past his house on an impulse and found his ex-girlfriend's car in the driveway at 2 am. So that pretty much answered any questions I had and made me realize that the paranoia was coming from a very accurate source: intuition!
Anyway, I just wanted to poke my head in and say hello. I hope things are going well for you.
Anyway, I just wanted to poke my head in and say hello. I hope things are going well for you.
stara03
01-25-2005, 10:24 PM
hey...just checking in. elle, thanks for the response, its great to hear from you. i'll write more tomorrow. good night.
Smartcookie
01-27-2005, 11:50 PM
LittleRose, so sorry to hear about the imminent breakup, however, if it is giving you this much relief, then i applaud you. Finally, taking control of the situation.
If you can deduce that HE was the sole cause of your OCD then all I have to say is "what the heck took you so long to leave him???". Sorry, i just got carried away there. :)
Has he tried to contact you since the breakup, either by phone, email or cell message? I mean, if he does try and contact you, will you dare ask him why in hell his ex was over so fast?? Unless he tells you he was so torn, he called her to be consoling....sure, whatever, right?
MIght i ask you one thing though? If you claim that since the break up, you feel OCD free, then what made you drive by his place??? Isnt that your OCD kicking in again?
Just asking. I wouldve done the same thing too............:)
Well, hang in there, and take your time going into another relationship, but don't knock it totally.
Things with the hubby are good, except for this one little incident where a mutual friend of ours sent a rather "disgusting' email only to my husband as a supposed joke, and it was really offensive and of course my hubby just happened to open in when i was in the room (he had no idea what it was). My hubby emailed this friend back and asked him nicely to never ever send smut like that again, as it is of no interest to him, and that I was truly disgusted and Peeed with that sort of stuff.
Now, this so-called friend and wife are insulted, cause they are claiming we are labelling them as DISGUSTING. What do you make of that? I just defended myself and said that was my opinion of that sort of smut, and to please not forward us any emails of that nature, and they took offense to how we 'rated' the email.
Do you think they are overreacting, or should i have taken a different approach? I mean, what other way could i have stopped emails like this in future, if my hubby didnt reply right back, saying ,i am not interested in this stuff?
Anyhow, i am proud that he emailed this friend about this, cause it seems guys are too macho to admit they are not into that stuff. Am i right?
Post again soon..........
If you can deduce that HE was the sole cause of your OCD then all I have to say is "what the heck took you so long to leave him???". Sorry, i just got carried away there. :)
Has he tried to contact you since the breakup, either by phone, email or cell message? I mean, if he does try and contact you, will you dare ask him why in hell his ex was over so fast?? Unless he tells you he was so torn, he called her to be consoling....sure, whatever, right?
MIght i ask you one thing though? If you claim that since the break up, you feel OCD free, then what made you drive by his place??? Isnt that your OCD kicking in again?
Just asking. I wouldve done the same thing too............:)
Well, hang in there, and take your time going into another relationship, but don't knock it totally.
Things with the hubby are good, except for this one little incident where a mutual friend of ours sent a rather "disgusting' email only to my husband as a supposed joke, and it was really offensive and of course my hubby just happened to open in when i was in the room (he had no idea what it was). My hubby emailed this friend back and asked him nicely to never ever send smut like that again, as it is of no interest to him, and that I was truly disgusted and Peeed with that sort of stuff.
Now, this so-called friend and wife are insulted, cause they are claiming we are labelling them as DISGUSTING. What do you make of that? I just defended myself and said that was my opinion of that sort of smut, and to please not forward us any emails of that nature, and they took offense to how we 'rated' the email.
Do you think they are overreacting, or should i have taken a different approach? I mean, what other way could i have stopped emails like this in future, if my hubby didnt reply right back, saying ,i am not interested in this stuff?
Anyhow, i am proud that he emailed this friend about this, cause it seems guys are too macho to admit they are not into that stuff. Am i right?
Post again soon..........
Ellecram
01-28-2005, 12:47 AM
You are right! You were explaining that the smut they sent was disgusting - not them - maybe your husband can find a way to clarify that.
stara03
01-28-2005, 11:16 AM
smartcookie,
i think the way you handled that situation was completely appropriate. espcially cuz he was nice about it and explained that it made you upset.
may i ask, how do you two handle the tv situation? do you watch tv together? what about when images appear? i'd really appreciate any thoughts on this as it is an ongoing struggle for me. thanks.
hang in there everyone!
i think the way you handled that situation was completely appropriate. espcially cuz he was nice about it and explained that it made you upset.
may i ask, how do you two handle the tv situation? do you watch tv together? what about when images appear? i'd really appreciate any thoughts on this as it is an ongoing struggle for me. thanks.
hang in there everyone!
LittleRose1982
01-29-2005, 01:23 PM
Oh my God, they honestly got MAD at the two of you for THAT? Your husband asked in a nice, polite way. There's no reason for them to be offended, and you and your husband have every right to request to not have that smut sent to your e-mail account. As long as he asked in a nice way, there was no reason for them to overreact. That's exactly what they did- overreact. But it's wonderful that your husband sent that e-mail in the first place, and you should be happy to have a man who would do that! Most would just laugh and shrug it off. He couldn't help that it was sent to him- he didn't ask for it. But he made a very mature, intelligent move and he did it for YOU. That earns him a thousand points in my opinion! And those friends of yours... let them be that way. That's their problem. They'll get over it. And hey, maybe they feel like you're calling them disgusting because they know that they ARE disgusting if they look at that sort of stuff!
As for me, well I called him that very night after finding her car in his driveway and screamed at him like I've always dreamed of screaming at him (literally- I've had dreams about it). I let it all out and I said some of the most horrible, hurtful things I've ever said to a person. He told me he just needed someone to talk to because he was really upset about us breaking up, and that she was sleeping in the spare room. Bull. But he swore it and was really upset and crying. I didn't speak to him for 2 weeks. Ignored his calls, his text messages, his e-mails. Finally I spoke to him at the beginning of this week and I wish I hadn't. I'm still hurt, but I'm handling it way better than I ever thought I would. I go to work and I'm fine, I still go out and enjoy my hobbies, and I know I'm going to be okay. As for your question about what made me drive past his house... Part of my OCD was me convincing myself that I had a paranoia problem instead of listening to my intuition, and letting that paranoia problem get out of control. Had I just listened to my intuition all along, I would have been fine. But I ignored it and that's what caused the unhealthy "spying" obsessions. But that night it was different. I wanted to listen to the intuition and not think of it as paranoia. Think of it as a voice from an angel telling me to do it. So I did. And I was right. That's why I don't look back anymore or question anything.
Well I hope I hear from you again! Have a great weekend!
As for me, well I called him that very night after finding her car in his driveway and screamed at him like I've always dreamed of screaming at him (literally- I've had dreams about it). I let it all out and I said some of the most horrible, hurtful things I've ever said to a person. He told me he just needed someone to talk to because he was really upset about us breaking up, and that she was sleeping in the spare room. Bull. But he swore it and was really upset and crying. I didn't speak to him for 2 weeks. Ignored his calls, his text messages, his e-mails. Finally I spoke to him at the beginning of this week and I wish I hadn't. I'm still hurt, but I'm handling it way better than I ever thought I would. I go to work and I'm fine, I still go out and enjoy my hobbies, and I know I'm going to be okay. As for your question about what made me drive past his house... Part of my OCD was me convincing myself that I had a paranoia problem instead of listening to my intuition, and letting that paranoia problem get out of control. Had I just listened to my intuition all along, I would have been fine. But I ignored it and that's what caused the unhealthy "spying" obsessions. But that night it was different. I wanted to listen to the intuition and not think of it as paranoia. Think of it as a voice from an angel telling me to do it. So I did. And I was right. That's why I don't look back anymore or question anything.
Well I hope I hear from you again! Have a great weekend!
Smartcookie
01-29-2005, 10:08 PM
Yes, can you believe that? They were allowed to be offended that we were IMPLYING they were pigs, yet, we werent allowed to be offended by their email? I dont get it. Anyways, we are going to get together and talk about it soon, i have to cool my head first as i will explode when it comes to this subject.
Stara03, we do watch tv together, but not always (take now for example, i find myself on the net cause I cant stand all the crap on tv, and find myself frequently saying "Whats on now?".......). When we do watch tv and stuff comes up (it seems lke every minute!) sometimes if i'm in a real bad mood, i will comment "see, there you go, some more cr*p for your eyes"....or i will go off and start saying curse words. I mean, I know this makes him uncomfortable, but still, it makes me just as uncomfortable, if not MORESo to see this stuff all the time!!
He tries to turn as soon as he see's something, but I think he doesnt bother if I am not in the room, or not at home. Not sure.
I go thru the same stuff you go through, trust me.
Keep posting y'all.
Stara03, we do watch tv together, but not always (take now for example, i find myself on the net cause I cant stand all the crap on tv, and find myself frequently saying "Whats on now?".......). When we do watch tv and stuff comes up (it seems lke every minute!) sometimes if i'm in a real bad mood, i will comment "see, there you go, some more cr*p for your eyes"....or i will go off and start saying curse words. I mean, I know this makes him uncomfortable, but still, it makes me just as uncomfortable, if not MORESo to see this stuff all the time!!
He tries to turn as soon as he see's something, but I think he doesnt bother if I am not in the room, or not at home. Not sure.
I go thru the same stuff you go through, trust me.
Keep posting y'all.
Smartcookie
02-03-2005, 10:39 PM
OK girls, now I have another issue. Superbowl is coming up and my hubby absolutely has to watch the Superbowl. Those skanky cheerleaders are just so not necessary! I mean, if they want some inspiration for the teams, great, but does it have to be from nasty-provocitivley dressed females?
Oi, this weekend is going to be something else, I can smell it now.
Oi, this weekend is going to be something else, I can smell it now.
LittleRose1982
02-05-2005, 03:21 PM
Yeah, superbowl can be a big problem. Especially last year's! I had just started seeing my ex the day before the superbowl. And when the half time "wardrobe malfunction" happened, the guy whose house we were at just happened to have TiVo. So you can imagine. For a good half hour they just kept rewinding, pausing, slow-motioning, in total shock at what they saw. And everyone just laughed it up, but I sat there ready to explode. And I had just started seeing him. This was our second time hanging out.
So I know how you feel. How about this... when they come on, turn to him and start talking to him. Come up with some things before hand so you don't have to think up topics on the spot. And he will look at you when you're talking, and not at the cheerleaders. It's a way to get through the night! Good luck!
So I know how you feel. How about this... when they come on, turn to him and start talking to him. Come up with some things before hand so you don't have to think up topics on the spot. And he will look at you when you're talking, and not at the cheerleaders. It's a way to get through the night! Good luck!
faeriegirl25
02-07-2005, 01:09 AM
Hey all, just thought that I would pop in and see how things were going. I know that I have not been on for a while but things have not gotten any better.. worse. My bf has stopped watching sports for me, but the commercials with the darn cheerleaders are really getting on my nerves. Honestly, if I could lift the television I think I would toss it across the road when I get so angry. Its come to a point where neither one of us watches anything anymore, I am ok with this but I cannot help to think he misses it. I will be so glad when the superbowl is over.. it won't rid those women but it will stop all the hoot about it.
How are you doing LittleRose and Smartcookie??
We are still fighting almost everyday, I just cannot rid my mind of all the thoughts. Its going to drive me nuts
How are you doing LittleRose and Smartcookie??
We are still fighting almost everyday, I just cannot rid my mind of all the thoughts. Its going to drive me nuts
stara03
02-08-2005, 10:06 PM
hey faieriegirl,
my husband and i are the same way with the tv. we practically watch nothing anymore cuz there is ALWAYS something to drive me insane...if not the show, then the commercials. like you, i don't mind so much, but he has always been a big tv watcher so i feel like i am depriving him. i also wonder what he watches when i am not around. it just kills me. like you two, it causes soooo many fights. even magazines he read always have, at the very least, trashy ads for some form of porn (video games, etc.). i just don't know what to do. what helps you? anything? my husband and i can hardly discuss this cuz i get so upset. he says he doens't mind not watching so much tv but i know its not true.
my husband and i are the same way with the tv. we practically watch nothing anymore cuz there is ALWAYS something to drive me insane...if not the show, then the commercials. like you, i don't mind so much, but he has always been a big tv watcher so i feel like i am depriving him. i also wonder what he watches when i am not around. it just kills me. like you two, it causes soooo many fights. even magazines he read always have, at the very least, trashy ads for some form of porn (video games, etc.). i just don't know what to do. what helps you? anything? my husband and i can hardly discuss this cuz i get so upset. he says he doens't mind not watching so much tv but i know its not true.
faeriegirl25
02-09-2005, 01:16 AM
Stara... we do not discuss anything anymore either. Its usually just a big arguement and I end up upset and then its a fight. I am so hurt by every single thing. There could be some woman on the screen that is clothed( but attractive) and sometimes I go off. If we watch tv, its me watching... he looks at the floor and only listens( ticks me off, I only wish things weren't this way). The other day he watched this razor commercial and you and I both know there is always a woman on there... well I was right and I blew up at him.. saying " well, is she hot?, and you wonder why I get so upset." I really wish that I could say things help, but they don't.
I've asked him if he misses tv and he says no, that he would rather read or listen to music, I personally think its a bunch of bull, bec he didn't want to do those things when he looked at porn! Personally I am at my wits end with it all. We don't go out anymore bec I cannot help to think that he is checking out some woman in another aisle(Sp?), and if I ask him a question and he says " huh?' Oh its on then..lol, kind of proving to me that he is not listening to me.. then I think, oh well he must of been looking at something to eat,etc.. then the obsession, " Yeah right, you know what he was looking at.".
I must admit, I have made a complete fool of myself and have spent the rest of the time regretting even doing it. I just wish there was a way to end all of this. I try to explain to him that I feel like he is going to hurt me, and he gets mad.. but yet HE is the one that brought all of the unecessary things into our relationship. HE says that he knows how I feel. Yeah right, its not him that has to see half nude men every 5 seconds on tv, and I have told him that if he did, he would get irritated with it all too.. of course he agrees. How does all of it affect your relationship? I hope that your day has gone well
Take care
Fae
I've asked him if he misses tv and he says no, that he would rather read or listen to music, I personally think its a bunch of bull, bec he didn't want to do those things when he looked at porn! Personally I am at my wits end with it all. We don't go out anymore bec I cannot help to think that he is checking out some woman in another aisle(Sp?), and if I ask him a question and he says " huh?' Oh its on then..lol, kind of proving to me that he is not listening to me.. then I think, oh well he must of been looking at something to eat,etc.. then the obsession, " Yeah right, you know what he was looking at.".
I must admit, I have made a complete fool of myself and have spent the rest of the time regretting even doing it. I just wish there was a way to end all of this. I try to explain to him that I feel like he is going to hurt me, and he gets mad.. but yet HE is the one that brought all of the unecessary things into our relationship. HE says that he knows how I feel. Yeah right, its not him that has to see half nude men every 5 seconds on tv, and I have told him that if he did, he would get irritated with it all too.. of course he agrees. How does all of it affect your relationship? I hope that your day has gone well
Take care
Fae
Smartcookie
02-09-2005, 09:05 PM
LittleRose, suprisingly, my hubby only turned to the Superbowl at intervals, just to check in on the score. Now, i didnt bother asking if he was doing it for me, or just wasnt interested in it this year (i hear there is an overall drop in ratings). Back to what you suggested, (sparking up a conversation when that stuff comes on) - believe it or not, i already do that, but, then again, WHY :nono: should i have to? That means i am always on edge and always on guard when we are relaxing watching tv??? Nope, too much effort for something that shouldnt even be on tv in the first place.
Anyhow, regarding your b/f and last years superbowl ; how rude of those guys, rewinding and playing over and over again, that mishap. Whatever, it just proves time and time again that guys are plain :dizzy: st*up*d.
Stara, we too have such problems even tip-toeing around this subject, just b/c there is such a history between us, of this topic. There is no way around discussing it "nicely". Cannot happen. Its just too intense of a subject and so yes, for us too, always sparks a fight. I dont know what to tell you.
Fae, I am sorry you guys are fighting all the time. I certainly know how that feels. WE went through so many lost months of pure fighting, sometimes I wonder how we ever managed to stay together!?
I too, wonder when my husband says "Lets do something else tonight"...i start thinking "Hmm, is there some program on tv that he doesnt want me to catch wind of...."? So there is the constant questioning. No matter what, as long as that garbage is on tv, or prevalent in society, i have a HUGE problem with it. Even if my husband and I never ever had this problem, i think its :mad: OUTRAGEOUS of how this has exploded into society. Truly disgusting.
Anyhow, regarding your b/f and last years superbowl ; how rude of those guys, rewinding and playing over and over again, that mishap. Whatever, it just proves time and time again that guys are plain :dizzy: st*up*d.
Stara, we too have such problems even tip-toeing around this subject, just b/c there is such a history between us, of this topic. There is no way around discussing it "nicely". Cannot happen. Its just too intense of a subject and so yes, for us too, always sparks a fight. I dont know what to tell you.
Fae, I am sorry you guys are fighting all the time. I certainly know how that feels. WE went through so many lost months of pure fighting, sometimes I wonder how we ever managed to stay together!?
I too, wonder when my husband says "Lets do something else tonight"...i start thinking "Hmm, is there some program on tv that he doesnt want me to catch wind of...."? So there is the constant questioning. No matter what, as long as that garbage is on tv, or prevalent in society, i have a HUGE problem with it. Even if my husband and I never ever had this problem, i think its :mad: OUTRAGEOUS of how this has exploded into society. Truly disgusting.
faeriegirl25
02-10-2005, 05:24 PM
I was kind of wondering about the thoughts you ladies have or have had when it comes to your men looking at other women. For instance.. if he looks at an attractive woman.. what thoughts run through your minds? Mine are:
1. I guess I'm not as attractive as her, if I dressed like that he wouldn't look elsewhere.
2. I wonder what he's thinking, maybe he thinks she's hot... what if he remembers what she looks like and he thinks of her during lovemaking... or any woman for that matter.
3. He promised he'd stop oogling.. he can't even keep that promise, she must be too tempting.
4. Wait.. next time he'll be cheating on you.
5. You are NOT what he wants.. need proof? Look, he used to watch porn, and look at what kind of women he looks at. You are not anything like that.
I know, yes I am insecure. I am a bit ashamed of all this but I cannot help how I feel. I just wish that he had never even brought all of this into our relationship, sometimes I feel that he doesn't even take me very seriously( or our relationship for that matter). Will write more later
Fae
1. I guess I'm not as attractive as her, if I dressed like that he wouldn't look elsewhere.
2. I wonder what he's thinking, maybe he thinks she's hot... what if he remembers what she looks like and he thinks of her during lovemaking... or any woman for that matter.
3. He promised he'd stop oogling.. he can't even keep that promise, she must be too tempting.
4. Wait.. next time he'll be cheating on you.
5. You are NOT what he wants.. need proof? Look, he used to watch porn, and look at what kind of women he looks at. You are not anything like that.
I know, yes I am insecure. I am a bit ashamed of all this but I cannot help how I feel. I just wish that he had never even brought all of this into our relationship, sometimes I feel that he doesn't even take me very seriously( or our relationship for that matter). Will write more later
Fae
Smartcookie
02-12-2005, 05:05 PM
Fae, i might as well just cut and paste what you wrote b/c thats how I feel. See, this proves more and more that it affects women (even though we are all unique) in a certain similar way, and the feelings are REAL!!!!
Its not b/c we want ALL the attention, or we are trying to control our partners, its just plain emotionally SCARRING someone, and I dont even know if its reversible.
So, what gives, GUYS????
Its not b/c we want ALL the attention, or we are trying to control our partners, its just plain emotionally SCARRING someone, and I dont even know if its reversible.
So, what gives, GUYS????
Smartcookie
02-13-2005, 10:47 PM
Just checking in to see where y'all are!? :angel:
Is anyone planning anything for Valentines? This occasion has never really meant much to me, I must admit, and its not b/c of my hubby. With any of my relationships,I was never really into the whole Cupid thing. I mean, its nice to get a card and stuff, but, I dont think it should be so much pressure for a couple to 'buy' eachother stuff.
Now the kicker......mu hubby loves Valentines day. He actually made my heart sink when he told me why (at our first Valentines day) He said it ws b/c he was FINALLY with someone he truly loved , and not just on a date. ;)
Awwwwwwwwww..........
Goodnight all.
Is anyone planning anything for Valentines? This occasion has never really meant much to me, I must admit, and its not b/c of my hubby. With any of my relationships,I was never really into the whole Cupid thing. I mean, its nice to get a card and stuff, but, I dont think it should be so much pressure for a couple to 'buy' eachother stuff.
Now the kicker......mu hubby loves Valentines day. He actually made my heart sink when he told me why (at our first Valentines day) He said it ws b/c he was FINALLY with someone he truly loved , and not just on a date. ;)
Awwwwwwwwww..........
Goodnight all.
Michelle29
02-15-2005, 09:15 AM
Wow! First of all, I'd like to say that I am so happy to have stumbled across this particular forum. I have been dying to talk to someone about my issues for so long. I’ve tried to talk to family and friends, but they don't get it. Most of the advice I have been given is something like. "Just don’t think about it" or "Who cares anyway?" I care, that's who.
I am 29 years old and married for six years. My husband and I have dated on and off for 6 years before we got married.
We’ve had our ups and downs but overall are very happy together. For some reason, I get these intrusive thoughts about whether or not my husband may have cheated on me in the past. Things would be going so well in my life, I’d be working, planning social occasions and simply enjoying life when out of the blue my mind conjures up an image of my husband in bed with another women.
I don’t think I can articulate how I would feel and that given moment, but I’ll try. I’m overwhelmed with this anxious feeling – I can’t think about anything else or do anything else. I try to calm my self down by thinking this thought thru, trying to convince myself that it isn’t possible. I’m convinced that if I simply think everything thru and analyze the situation I’ll be able to make myself feel better and go on with my life. But that never happens. My mind will simply go in circles over and over again. I truly believe that these images my mind has conjured up have affected my perception of my husband. Thru no fault of his own, I find myself resenting him and sometimes even disgusted with him.
I couldn’t control myself from talking about these thoughts with him. The first couple of times it came up, he found it funny, then he tried to be sympathetic and tried to ease my worries. Then after the 6th or 7th time he became very upset and insulted (understandably so). So I do not like to bring this topic up anymore. Actually, he was the only one who was able to make me feel better about these obsessions, by reassuring me.
When I say I would analyze these fears I actually mean I would investigate these fears. I have a very good memory, so I could replay conversations I had 6 years ago in my mind like it happened yesterday. I would literally go thru old phone bill statements to try and verify wether something might of or might not have happened. Logically, I know this behavior is insane, nevertheless, I am still disturbed by these thoughts. For some reason, I’m convinced that if I investigate the issue further I will be able to calm myself down. That never happens. It only makes me believe these paranoid obsessions more and more because I’ve been thinking about them so much. Each time I obsess about any particular paranoia it only feeds the fear and gives my mind more proof that these things actually did happen.
The weird thing is this fear only came up about 3 years ago. For the six years I dated my husband and the first three years of our marriage, I was never worried about it. I always knew he would never cheat on me. No matter what little white lies he made up here and there, I always knew cheating is one thing he would never do.
Actually, before these fear came up I had the same fear you guys have now. I would always spot a good looking woman and notice he was subtly checking her out. My husband also likes Courtney Cox of Friends sometimes it would bother me when we watch it together because I just imagine that he's imagining how cute and pretty she is and wishes he could be with her. Sometimes he would provoke conversations with single female friends of ours and this would drive me crazy. It would bother me so much, that I couldn’t hide my feelings about it and I would act antagonistically to this friend of mine and she would have no clue why. Needless to say this behavior gave people the impression that I was nuts and would ruin the relationships I had with these single friends.
I think the main reason I’m not so worried about this fear is because it was replaced with an even more horrifying one. Also, I’ve given it some thought. He's a very friendly person. I've actually seen him talk to guys the same way he did to girls. And he is not gay. I've even seen him talk the same way to a 55 year old, bearded, women, which he was obviously not interested in. (Crazy as it may seem, at the time I was actually jealous of this bearded woman). Also, he’s become more religious over the past few years so he’s been pretty careful about doing things that aren’t appropriate. So he doesn’t really do that anymore.
Maybe that’s exactly why my mind as come of with this new obsession; once the first fear is resolved and I’m not worried about it anymore my mind had to come up with something new. Wow – that was just a major revelation for me.
Anyway, I’ve rambled on long enough. I could go into what my specific obsessions are, but I guess I’ll save that for next time.
Thanks for letting me express myself.
Michelle
I am 29 years old and married for six years. My husband and I have dated on and off for 6 years before we got married.
We’ve had our ups and downs but overall are very happy together. For some reason, I get these intrusive thoughts about whether or not my husband may have cheated on me in the past. Things would be going so well in my life, I’d be working, planning social occasions and simply enjoying life when out of the blue my mind conjures up an image of my husband in bed with another women.
I don’t think I can articulate how I would feel and that given moment, but I’ll try. I’m overwhelmed with this anxious feeling – I can’t think about anything else or do anything else. I try to calm my self down by thinking this thought thru, trying to convince myself that it isn’t possible. I’m convinced that if I simply think everything thru and analyze the situation I’ll be able to make myself feel better and go on with my life. But that never happens. My mind will simply go in circles over and over again. I truly believe that these images my mind has conjured up have affected my perception of my husband. Thru no fault of his own, I find myself resenting him and sometimes even disgusted with him.
I couldn’t control myself from talking about these thoughts with him. The first couple of times it came up, he found it funny, then he tried to be sympathetic and tried to ease my worries. Then after the 6th or 7th time he became very upset and insulted (understandably so). So I do not like to bring this topic up anymore. Actually, he was the only one who was able to make me feel better about these obsessions, by reassuring me.
When I say I would analyze these fears I actually mean I would investigate these fears. I have a very good memory, so I could replay conversations I had 6 years ago in my mind like it happened yesterday. I would literally go thru old phone bill statements to try and verify wether something might of or might not have happened. Logically, I know this behavior is insane, nevertheless, I am still disturbed by these thoughts. For some reason, I’m convinced that if I investigate the issue further I will be able to calm myself down. That never happens. It only makes me believe these paranoid obsessions more and more because I’ve been thinking about them so much. Each time I obsess about any particular paranoia it only feeds the fear and gives my mind more proof that these things actually did happen.
The weird thing is this fear only came up about 3 years ago. For the six years I dated my husband and the first three years of our marriage, I was never worried about it. I always knew he would never cheat on me. No matter what little white lies he made up here and there, I always knew cheating is one thing he would never do.
Actually, before these fear came up I had the same fear you guys have now. I would always spot a good looking woman and notice he was subtly checking her out. My husband also likes Courtney Cox of Friends sometimes it would bother me when we watch it together because I just imagine that he's imagining how cute and pretty she is and wishes he could be with her. Sometimes he would provoke conversations with single female friends of ours and this would drive me crazy. It would bother me so much, that I couldn’t hide my feelings about it and I would act antagonistically to this friend of mine and she would have no clue why. Needless to say this behavior gave people the impression that I was nuts and would ruin the relationships I had with these single friends.
I think the main reason I’m not so worried about this fear is because it was replaced with an even more horrifying one. Also, I’ve given it some thought. He's a very friendly person. I've actually seen him talk to guys the same way he did to girls. And he is not gay. I've even seen him talk the same way to a 55 year old, bearded, women, which he was obviously not interested in. (Crazy as it may seem, at the time I was actually jealous of this bearded woman). Also, he’s become more religious over the past few years so he’s been pretty careful about doing things that aren’t appropriate. So he doesn’t really do that anymore.
Maybe that’s exactly why my mind as come of with this new obsession; once the first fear is resolved and I’m not worried about it anymore my mind had to come up with something new. Wow – that was just a major revelation for me.
Anyway, I’ve rambled on long enough. I could go into what my specific obsessions are, but I guess I’ll save that for next time.
Thanks for letting me express myself.
Michelle
Smartcookie
02-17-2005, 12:40 AM
Michelle, :bouncing: welcome to this thread! I too am glad you found this thread. I read your entire post, but cannot answer it all, its acutally really late and have to get to bed, but i felt i had to write something. You are definately NOT alone. Just read thru this and you will see all sorts of different women, with the SAME problem. :confused:
I can sympathize with the fact that some of your friends dont fully understand what happens to you, I have some friends like that too. i dont blame them for not understanding, but find i cannot confide in them when it comes to this. :nono:
Like yourself , I have a wicked memory when it comes to stuff like this. My hubby gets freaked out at how much detail i can recount to him, about one particular episode that bothered me like 5 years ago!!
Feel free to ramble on about any of your feelings, we also take comfort in it, knowing there are many of us who suffer from the same feelings.
Looking forward to your next post,
:wave: Smartcookie.
I can sympathize with the fact that some of your friends dont fully understand what happens to you, I have some friends like that too. i dont blame them for not understanding, but find i cannot confide in them when it comes to this. :nono:
Like yourself , I have a wicked memory when it comes to stuff like this. My hubby gets freaked out at how much detail i can recount to him, about one particular episode that bothered me like 5 years ago!!
Feel free to ramble on about any of your feelings, we also take comfort in it, knowing there are many of us who suffer from the same feelings.
Looking forward to your next post,
:wave: Smartcookie.
Smartcookie
02-23-2005, 10:06 PM
OK so the other night we went out for dinner and suprisingly i was very much at ease. That is not to say I didnt scan the crowd first, for any potential 'lookers'. I was so happy, that i got to enjoy a dinner with my hubby, and for the first time in a long time, i felt that he wasnt uncomfortable either (cause it always happens that at least once, there is an accusation of 'starring').