I grew up being told I would not grow up. By the grace of God I beat the odds and am here today. But I thought my reflections of what it was like as a child thinking about death and eternity might be somehow helpful or comforting to anyone here who may have a child with a serious illness.

I understood when I was five or six years old that my friends would grow up and get married and have families, but I probably would not. I knew that I was likely to die before I finished elementary school. I knew that little box with wires attached to my chest, that I had to carry around with me, was monitoring a heart that could stop at any time - mine. I knew that someday when I passed out during Physical Education, instead of waking up at Texas Children's Hospital I might not wake up at all.

I didn't fear death, per se, but rather the process of death. I saw other young patients at the hospital get weaker and weaker and then one day they would no longer be there. I saw the way these young friends suffered and hoped that when my time came it would be quick, because I knew quick was painless - after all, I'd collapsed after pushing myself too hard in P.E. and flatlined more than once, so I knew the only feeling was ... no feeling, no thought, nothing (until the paramedics brought me out of it, which wasn't so pleasent).

I used to lay in bed at night, unable to sleep because I either had a test the next day or I was waiting to hear the results from the last test. I'd put my hand on my chest and contemplate the miracle of each beat of my heart and wonder how long it would continue. I'd wonder what it would feel like to be dead, and what my friends and family would think and do and feel after I was gone. I wondered what Heaven would be like and strangely I was at peace with these thoughts, and the only troublesome thing was that the adults around me didn't want to talk about it.

Each night when I said my prayers before bed I would pray, Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to keep. If I shoud die before I wake, I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to take. And then I would silently pray that when my time came, it would be peacefully during my sleep so that when my body was found I would simply appear to have gone to sleep - for eternity.

Anyway, there is much more I could write, but I don't want to say too much and cause pain for someone here who is losing or has recently lost a child.

I think that is so awesome to hear. I really think that God does miraculious things and you are proof! Unfortunitly at the time it doesn't always go the way your situation did, but we have to remember that just like you hoped to be at peace, so will other children in your previous situation. This is why I think it is so important for children in such a situation to find that divine peace in their lives with God!

You are truly an inspiraiton, thank you for your story . . . and anyone (child or parent) in such a situation, my sincerest condolances and I will pray for you, just try to remember God is holding you and your children tight, even if you arn't holding back at the time.

but we have to remember that just like you hoped to be at peace, so will other children I know I am one of the lucky few and, unfortunately, there are a lot of kids who don't make it. It is for them and their families that I shared this, which I have never shared even to this extent with anyone before. I almost feel bad for doing so; I don't want to 'rub it in' that I made it, but I do want to give insight to the parents of seriously ill children and hope and comfort in my own experience of not fear, but welcoming peace.

Kitten,
Thanks for being so honest, you have something unique to add here that might really help someone, child or parent, through the dying process. I hope you will tell us more. It sounds like a young child's orientation to death, may be different in some ways from what an adult's experience is like. I don't know, but I am always interested in knowing what someone who's dying may need most from me.
Bless you!
Tintx

Tintx,

I think a child's perspective is different, because what we as adults think and feel about death is shaped largely by what we are taught by society. Children don't have these notions yet so the way they look at it is different. I took a class on death & dying in college and we talked about this stuff, and that's kind of what it seemed like to me anyway. I will write more later as I only have a few minutes to post right now.

Kitten

Hello,My Mother also out run death.She was told she wouldn't live to see 18.This was when she was 8 years old.she had a brain tumor that doctors said would grow so big it would crowed the brain and kill her.
when my Mom was 15 my grandparents let her get married so she could experence marrage and maybe a child before she died.They was told surgrey would kill her. so they let her get married. That was in 1968.I was born in 1970.My brother was born in 1972 and my mom had brain surgrey at the mayo clinic in 1974.I had another brother in 1975 and my Mom is still alive and enjoying her grand children.She is still married to my dad the same guy she married at 15.

Kim that is awesome I'm glad your mom "made it." :)