I have been thinking for a while now if I should post here or not. And this is really the only place I can go and get an hnest answer.

I was with my brother when he passed away on 1-27-01. He was 36 years old and had lead a pretty rough life. He was the most generous person I have ever met. He allways wore a big bright smile. He was the middle chid of 3 and had a severe drug problem that was ignored by my parents until it was far too late. But we remained very close friends right to the very end. He was involved in a robbery where 3 people lost their lives. He was there and stole money for drugs, but did not take a life (I do not think). But in the state that which we live, if you commit a crime and someone dies, you are liable for the death pennalty. So my brother and I had 15 years to deal with the fact that he would die. The death penalty is not the topic of my post, but I feel it is very important for you to know the details. I am fully aware of how touchy of a topic this can be, and I respect everyone's opinions on the matter, but what I am hear for is mainly support and a little help on how to deal with whitnesing the execution of my brother and friend.

We were notified that Bill would die 32 days before hand. We knew that he was going to die for almost 15 years, but we were actually given a 32 day notification. I made the 4 hour (each way) drive almost everyday for the last days of his life. I really thought we were both prepared for what was in our future. He had accepted responsibility for the mistakes he had made and had made contact with the victims families. We talked for hours about what his visions of death were like. He was very confused if he would go to Heaven or Hell. At times, he had is doubts if either even exsisted. We laughed and made our corney little jokes with eachother about what I would do with his remains. I guess that was our way of dealing with everything.

We spent the last day of his life talking,crying, laughing,staring at eachother,and naming my unborn children. When the guards came to take him away for the last and final time it took all I had to not fall in the floor in a million peices. we both stayed strong and held a smile on our faces as we waved goodbye to eachother. As soon has they took him around the corner, I fell apart.

I was the strong one of the family. My Mother, other brother, and aunt were there with me. But They were in worse shape than I was at the time. None of them really expected for Bill to be executed. I am not quite sure what they thought was going to happen in the end, but they were all in denile for the entire 15 years. I thought I would be the strong one who was prepared for the "end". And I guess I was, I mean who can expect to be prepared enough to not get upset and bawl yours eyes out. I guess my reactions were just very shocking to me as I now sit and write about that day.

I am not really able to talk to my husband or really anyone else about what I am now dealing with. THEY ALL were very upset that I was with Bill when he died. They swore up and down that I would have severe emotional problems for the rest of my life after going through that. I do not think that I have emtional issues, but I would like to be able to talk about it a little and get it off of my chest with having to hear the "I TOLD YOU SO's". :rolleyes:

Foe five hours I had to sit and wait for the guards to come and get me and my other brother to take us back to the prison for the execution. As they knocked on the door, I picked up my coat and could not get there fast enough. I kept asking him if he could drive faster and get us tyhere any quicker. All I could imagine was that they had Bill ready to die as soon as we got there. I could not staned the fact that moment was prolonged for him one more second than need be. As we turned down the street I saw hundreds of protestors. Some for and some against. It was very hard to tell. Except Bill had warned me that there would be people outside and the one's holding the candles were for him. I have never been into protesting, so I was not sure how that ens of it worked. When we got inside the "H" block, we were searched and taken to the whitness room where we sat with reporters, guards, and the victim's family members that chose to be there. Bill had told me that day that there would be some very loud baning noises and to not let that scare me. He said that the other Death Row inmates would bang on their bars everytime someone was put to death. It was the loudest noice I had ever heard in my life. It sounded very distant but also very loud. I can hear it now as I try to describe it for you. It was almsot calming for me in a way. I knew that Bill heard it and he knew that in a way, they were there with him. We kept eye contact the entire time and he had that silly littl grin on his face and he winked at me and he slowly layed his head back and I could tell he said a prayer. Then they announced that it was time to enfoce the death penalty. He turned his toward us and we never broke eye contact. We had agreed that when he closed his eyes, we would close our eyes and it would be over. When he closed his eyes I could not close mine. I knew that would be the last time I was with him and I could not make myself do it. He then raised his head again and then opened his eyes one last time and he gave me a half smile and his head fell back and it was all over. The guards closed the blinds to the room Bill was in and escorted my other brother and myself out to the rainy parking lot and drove us away for our safety.

I was OK. We were taken back to the secluded building that the rest of our family were waiting. I walked in and hugged my Mom and whispered to her thast he was gone. We all quietly walked back out into the rain and proceeded to drive the long drive home. Bill was cremated and his ashes were scattered at his place of choice and I kept a very small Earn witha bit of him in it. (He thought that was really sick BTW) He sits in my living room and I catch myself talking to him from time to time when I am dusting or just walking through.

I just do not want that image in my head anymore. Every night when I lay down and close my eyes, I see him laying there on that table all strapped down with that half smile on his face and that wink in his eye.

How do I get that out of my head? I want other images there. Some of my daughter (which he helped me name :angel: ) and just all around happy thought before I go to sleep? I do not have nightmares or have mental issues over this. I just have the same vision everynoght before I drift off to sleep.

I am sorry if this post was offensive to anyone in anyway, I know waht a touchy subject this is. I honestly do not have anyone that I can really talk to about this. I have close friends, but I feel they don't really know what to say. And the last thing I want is to hear those 4 little words from anyone that thougfht I was nuts for being there to begin with.

Sorry for the length and the details, I think I just needed to get all of this out after almost 4 years.

Thank you very much,
Kim

Wow, Ksavage, my heart goes out to you! (((Ksavage)))

You mentioned that your brother spoke of heaven and hell, but you really gave no indication of your own religious beliefs. I would think that under the circumstances, the person most likely to help you would be your minister/priest/rabbi/other church leader if you are presently associated with any church.

You may or may not believe as I do. My own belief is that the person is not the body. The body is only a temporary packaging on this earth, but the real person is the spirit which existed before he was born, took a bodily form for a few years on this earth and returned to a spirit form after death. Do you not believe that your brother honestly repented of his sins, whatever those sins might have been? To me, that would be much reassurance and would help me, I would think, in replacing that picture of him in his last minutes with one of him reuniting with Jesus. Even one of the criminals crucified with Jesus asked for forgiveness and was assured by Jesus "I promise you that today you will be in Paradise with me." (Luke 23:40-43.) I also believe that prayers of those still living can assist those who have died, and realizing that I could further help him might be another step to help myself, if I were in your situation.

Please seek some counseling. If not with a religious counselor, then with another counselor. You have suffered long enough.

I have carried my last vision of my maternal Grandmother clawing at her oxygen tent in the hospital begging to go home for about 35 yrs now.
The only thing I do is try to switch that thought with a different and more happy memory of her.
Everytime you see the half-smile memory, try to replace it right away.
And no, it will never go away - It's a true memory and we can't pick and choose which memories our brains store - but we can make it a "path less traveled".

I am so sorry about your loss of a brother...
Grief is a long process - everybody grieves in their own way and in theri own time - don't expect to be able to "put this behind you". How could you??
If you think it might help, you could become involved on a local level with the Death Penalty laws...
I think of John Walsh and his reponse to the death of his son.
:angel:

I am a Christian and believe that Bill is in Heaven. After he was pronounced dead and we were escorted out of the unit, I was taken down a hall and had to sign for a small box of Bill's things. In it was a bible that he had highligted tons of stuff and in the back was a letter he had written to God and had asked for forgivness. I think the letter was more for me than for God, but it was addressed to Jesus.

I eleieve that I will see my brother one day, it may in another form, but I know I will see him. I do not really focus on that too much, it is just that moment that I try to lay down a go to sleep. It is only at night at the end of my day. Not when I lay down and rest with my daughter or any other time I might drift off. I just hate it. I will try what you have mentioned and see if that will work for me.

Oh.....Ruth, I know how tough it is for you to have that type of an image pounded into your brain. I am so sorry for you.Thanks for being so honest and letting me know that I will never forget what I have seen. That is not what I really wanted to hear, but I did come hear for honesty and that is what I have been given. Now maybe I will quite waiting for that to disapear. :rolleyes:

I have thought about getting more involved with the dealth penalty in our area, but I am very confused on the issue and not really sure where I stand. Offcourse I did not want that for Bill, but I can't say how I would feel if my daughter or husband were taken from me in that manner. It is a verry touchy subject and I an not sure if that would really be an end for me.

Bill asked me to do one very important thing for him and I have not been able to keep my promisr to him. I think sometimes that is why this image is burned into my brain. He asked for me to keep in contact with his cell mate. They were "roomies" for 13 years and very good friends. He was Bill's first cell mate and they were very close. I did send him money a few times and everytime I did, he would write me a beautiful thank you in return. His familt is very poor, and only visit him abut 2-3 times a year. Bill would have really liked for me to contribute as much to his friend as I could. I made the promise without realizing what that meant I would have to go through once a gain in the end. I jusrt can't do that. I read in the paper the other day that he is getting a new trial and I want so much to sit down and write him a letter to let him know that he is in my thoughts, but I am afraid that will turn into more and more letters and then I am "sucked back in". I hope that makes a little sense.

Anyway, thank you so much for your replies and I will keep you posted on how your ideas have worked.

Kim

I think that your brother's cell-mate would appreciate your honesty in a letter. Tell him exactly what you've told us. That the loss is still new, the pain is horrific, reminders hurt, and you cannot promise more than a Christmas card a year at this point.
Maybe in time you won't feel as if you are being sucked in - plus, it is very possible that the cell-mate has thoughts & feelings that your brother shared with him over the years to share with YOU...

And I understand the ambivelence about the Death Penalty. My views on it continue to change as I get older (and older...).

You may want to try writing your brother a letter... My Dad died almost 4 yrs ago and I found that sitting down and writing away (about anything; memories, thoughts, feelings, hopes, what you've been doing, dreams etc) seemed to help. It is a very real connection - and was a suggestion from Hospice (who deals with ANY grieving - not just from cancer).

I am Christian also and while I know that I'll see my Dad, and Grandparents, a special aunt & and 2 very close friends again, I also know that the connection of love that we had together on earth is still very much alive.
Have you ever done anything special on the anniversary of his death? My Dad died on 2-6-01 (his 76th birthday would have been 2-9-01) and when I can I try to go out and stamp out the outline of a large heart in the snow in front of his headstone...
I've never told anyone I do it, thank heavens for anonymity!
:angel:

That is funny that you shared with me what you do for your Dad. I trnoto focus on the anniversary of his death, but on his birthday. It is 10-01 and I allways make chicken and dumplings for dinner on that day. It was his favorite. That is something that I have done for several years now. I have never told anyone I do that for him. & Hubby is clueless to the fact that is why I fix it. :rolleyes: It would never make any sense to him.

I have never expressed my feelings to his cell mate. I have written several letters explaning my feelings and have allways thrown them away. I have started a Christmas letter for him whch is something I do every year. And those allways get mailed to him. And it actually puts a smile on my face when I do get a responce back from him. He has never intiated a contact which I do appreciate. But when I do write him, he is allways very promt at responding. BUT......what else is there for him to do. ;) His Mother contacted me several times and I had to ask her to not call anymore. She was very pushy and all she wanted to talk about was how cruel the system is and that her sweet little son was framed. I do not know nor do I want to know the circumstances of his imprisonment. But I had to listen to families mentaly destroy themselves over denial. I think I was just about the only one that could accept that Bill made a mistake and was being punished for that. It seemed to sure make life a little easier.

I have a box full of letters that belonged to bill and some other items that are in the tp of my closet. I keep setting a time for me to go through them and get them boxed up and put in the attick. I just can't make myself do it. I even have his flip flops that were his showers shoes. He wore them to the shower twice a week for 15 years and are about to fall apart. (not that I would want to wear them) But they need to be thrown in the trash. I can't make myself do it. I also have ink pens that were his and his reading glasses. I have this thought in my head that I do not want to put them in a rubber made tub and store it away in my attick. It feels as if I am locking him away again. So who knows how long those things will sit in my closet. These are things that I feel silly saying outloud to anyone. They just do not get it.

Hw wrote my children a letter for them to read when I feel the time is right. I have not read it yet, but I will have to before I decide to give it to my daughter. He was a "bit off" at times and I just need to make sure that he wrote it to her on one of his good days. Ya know what I mean? He just told me that it was an anti-drug letter and he was sharing his story in his own words. A sort of an appology for not being able to be around for her as an Uncle or a friend. See what I mean....He was so sweet & thoughtful. WHEN HE WAS NOT HIGH! :o

If it makes you feel a little better, I sneak Bill out with us sometimes when it is very pretty outside. He went to the Zoo with us on Mother's Day. :D My husband would just die if he knew I did that sometimes. :rolleyes: But when I do take him out with us I am allways so nervous that the Earn will spill in my purse, or my purse will get stollen. Would that suck or what!

Ok, I have to go finish laundry! YUCK!

I feel so much better! Thank you for being there to talk to about this. It has helped more than I ever thought it would.

Kim

I know what you mean about birthdays - my Dad was buried on his birthday. I remember standing there on what turned out to be a rainy February day after the flag had been folded and Mom was back in the funeral limo.. Us kids and grandkids were still standing there and suddenly, impromptu, we were all singing "Happy Birthday" to him... Now how crazy does that sound, but we all felt better somehow.

I've had the funniest things happen about Dad since for some reason I never got anything concrete to keep (like a tie clasp, or a khaki shirt). If I DID have his version of flip-flops I wouldn't put them up in the attic either!!!
Instead I have Cardinals, pennies & dimes from heaven, vivid dreams, a really interesting new job (interviewed on the anniversary of the date he died, offered the job on the date he was buried/birthday, and started the job on he & my mother's lucky # - 13!

No one can tell me that my Dad and your brother aren't a part of our everyday cosmos... you know??

Do you have a keepsake size urn? If it's a regular urn then his ashes are probably wrapped in plastic inside of the urn... Just so you don't worry so much about taking him to the zoo. And if worse came to worse he could do worse than to be inadvertantly scattered on a beautiful day outside. He'd probably prefer it after being inside for so long.

I think you are doing better than you think you are!! Sometimes all it takes is to see where someone else is at in the grief process. Some are not doing as well as you, and some are doing better... Everyone is different and so is their grief.

What hasn't changed is that you are a good sister and I am a good daughter!!!
I have a tough spell the first part of February now, maybe I'll see you here around the end of January and we can get through another anniversary with each other's support...

:angel: