I was doing so, so well the last couple of days. Still down to just one meal a day, or part of a meal, but healthy type food. Last night, I guess something was triggered and I tried purging my dinner. Nothing came up. Then at my Singles meeting, I didn't eat the food there, but promised a friend I'd try her dessert she made. Right afterwards, I tried throwing that up, but again, nothing came up. THen I went into work just feeling exhausted and my throat has really been hurting. (I guess from the strain). I don't understand how in a matter of weeks I went from purging a little to throwing up blood to now I can't throw up anything at all. I think my liquid intake has a lot to do with it. I notice that when I eat but don't drink a whole lot and especially not right before I purge, I get more up that way; almost as if the liquid forces the food down and stops it from coming back up. And I guess this has affected my digestion and bowels, because I haven't gone in a few days and I have is clay-like. :eek: Not cool, and I don't feel good at all. What's crazy is that I haven't really been losing weight, but I have seen that the sides of my face where my cheeks are is beginning to slim down and sink in a little. It's crazy; the place where you don't want to lose weight is the first place you lose it.

I've been going to a class at my church called Set Free Indeed, for people that suffer with addictive disorders. It's helped out because I know I need to be there, but in the same token, I don't want help because I feel that I'm not that bad off yet--I still have control of this. I can stop whenever I want to. In fact, I have before-because this has been going on for 10 years, with several off periods. I don't know what I want you guys to say. Just knowing that ya'll really hear what I'm saying and can relate makes all the difference.

Misti

Misti- :angel:
Like always, I am here for you and can definately relate to your inability to use the bathroom. Truthfully, I have not produced a firm stool for about a week! I too, have the same "clay" firmness, and it's so frustrating! I havn't felt good at all either. I was in the shower this morning and I got so dizzy and could hardly stand up. My mouth was all clammy and I turned pale...I laid down for an hour or so, but it wasn't the greatest feeling. Little things like that tell me my body is struggling and that what I am doing to it is sick. It disgusts me when I actually think about it. It's just so hard to let go of this control. I know you can relate to this feeling 100%.

With that, I don't know what to tell you about your inability to throw up. I cannot EVER (even if I try). But, I do know that it isn't good and if your throat is hurting, I believe your body is trying to tell you something. Again, I understand that it is entirely a control, triggering aspect that we just cannot let go of. Just know that I am here and can relate.

I think it's wonderful that you are in that group at church. I know you probably don't want to be there all the time, but the actual step of attending that group is the best part. Let me know how that goes:)

You are always in my prayers and I've been thinking about you a lot during these hard holiday, not to mention food filled, days.

God bless,
Sarah

I am going to find it safe to assume, that you suffer from both buhlemia and anorexia, you don't eat, and still try to make yourself throw up, and when you do eat, you make yourself throw up. I went through that, for almost 2 years, I still struggle on a daily basis with both disorders though I have come to accept I have them, they are hard to deal with.
The reason you can not throw up any more, is because your body has gone into starvation mode literally, so that any form of food you put in your body, is quickly digested, your acids in your stomach overproduce (which is the reason you throw up blood, from ulcers caused by over active acid production) so that your body can get what it needs, before you have time to get rid of it. Your stools, are what is left after your body takes what it needs.
If your face is sinking in, then you are at a point that you need help. Not to be the "Go get help" annoying person to you, cuz I understand it does get annoying. But, there are other ways to lose weight, than to binge and purge and starve yourself. And no matter what YOU may think, if your face is cavin, then YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!
If you ever need anything, or anyone to talk to let me know, I been there done that.

balivion

I know how you feel...I've had such a hard time purging the little bit that I eat lately. I think that Bavilion is 100% right, but I hate to imagine that my body will no longer let me have control, so I'll try new ways to get rid of food. When I had this problem before, I started taking a bottle of vodka into the bathroom with me and smelling it so that I could throw up.

I was so hungry last night that I caved and went to BK and ate half of a dbl cheeseburger before feeling so incredibly guilty. When it came to the fries, I did the chew spit thing. I'm starting to hide more now while I'm eating, and I've noticed I really have no desire to eat, nothing really seems appealing to me. I took 3 laxatives last night-that hasn't produced much at all. I'm actually entertaining the thought that if I can't not make myself eat, and can't force myself to vomit, I'll take something that will make me throw up-isn't there something on the market that does that?
I haven't been taking my Coreg as I should be (every day), and my heart is really feeling the difference. I think I'm at probably one of the worst stages I've been in since the last 10 years I've battled this.. I just don't have enough will power to stop. And the scary thing is: part of me really, really doesn't want to-almost as if I want to suffer. I'm feeling like crap and still not losing any weight. This sucks.