I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their thoughtfull posts about Chazz. It makes me feel good inside my heart to hear of the people that Chazz had interacted with, and some of them he helped. I do not know what I will do without him, as I said before he was not my soul mate he was my soul. I miss him so much. How will I explain to my grandkids someday about Chazz? I just do not know what to do, we did everything together, even grocery shopped. We are empty nesters this should have been our time together. I take comfort in his words, everything happens for a reason I cannot understand what on earth that reason can be. Maybe I will understand someday. God bless you.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their thoughtfull posts about Chazz. It makes me feel good inside my heart to hear of the people that Chazz had interacted with, and some of them he helped. I do not know what I will do without him, as I said before he was not my soul mate he was my soul. I miss him so much. How will I explain to my grandkids someday about Chazz? I just do not know what to do, we did everything together, even grocery shopped. We are empty nesters this should have been our time together. I take comfort in his words, everything happens for a reason I cannot understand what on earth that reason can be. Maybe I will understand someday. God bless you.

HI

Of course there are no answers as to why, but perhaps you will get some comfort in the knowledge that his illness will help others on this board, for without it, others would not have benefitted from his kindness.

I know that that is a very small comfort, if any at all, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. If the speed of his illness helps even one get treated sooner, and not go through what he went though, just from reading his words here, I think he'll smile down from heaven.

Hugs and best wishes. You've been in my thoughts and prayers. You will be with him again, you know. Now, you and yours have him as a very special angel in heaven.

Hugs
Patty

Hi Mrs. Chazz,

I'm new to the board but your words really touched me. I am so sorry for your great loss and I will remember to pray for you. I pray that God will bring you some comfort. Good luck to you.

Thank you so much for the kind words, I have not been on in much, I sign on and get overwhelmed and sign off. Its been a very tuff couple of weeks. I spend most of my time at the cemetary I feel close to him their. Its going to be a very ruff Christmas.

HI Mrs Chaz

I hope you made it through Christmas ok. I'm sure Chaz is still watching over you all from Heaven.

Hugs
Patty

I come on here to try to post but it just is so hard I just don't know what to say or do, I am so totally lost. How do I go on ?

Mrs. Chaz- First know, you are always in my thoughts and prayers. You asked, "how do I go on". I wish I had a majical answer to that, but I don't. All we can do right now is continue to go on minute by minute, and then day by day. This journey called grief is no piece of cake, and it hurts like hell! But, you will be ok. You have to constantly tell yourself "I will be ok". I know it does not feel like it now, but you will be. For me, this is the 4th month (still very early) that Scott has been gone. I have days where I think "I am gonna be ok" and the very next day I might feel like "there is no way I can do this, not without Scott". But, I do it, I just keep moving (not moving on, just moving), becuase I have to. You have already (and now) feel so many emotions that are new to you, and there are many more to follow. Be gentle and patient with yourself, and allow these emotions to happen. One thing Scott always said, with the cancer is "the only way out of it is through it", I feel that way with the grief as well. If I do not allow it to happen, then I will not make it through it. I do many things to help me, which may not help you, but I will tell you anyways, you can try. The thing I find most helpful is writing. I write to Scott, God and myself. I have also found books relating to grief and the loss of a spouse. The books have not helped me "get over" or "move past" teh grief, what they have done is shown me that I am not the first person to go through this, and they show me that people do survie it, they give me hope for my future. Because I am a very independent person, in teh beginning, I would not ask anyone for help, I thought I could do it alone. Boy was I surprised! It is not something we can do alone. It may be difficult to get support from family, because they are grieving to. Hopefully, you have friends who will just listen, or hold you when you need it. I am not sure if you have, but you may even consider joining a support group. I did this for about a month, and it did help in some ways. I also find it very helpful to take long walks, and my dog does not mind it either! Sometimes I take in everything around me, the life around me, and remind myself that there is a life and a future for me. And sometimes, I just wander aimlessly and try not to think about anything at all, just walk. I find I sleep better if I walk in the evening for about 30 minutes.

The most therapeutic thing I do is cry. I cry a lot! It does not matter where I am, if I feel the need to cry, I do it. I will admit, the first time I cried in public, I felt like I would never stop crying, I was a little embarassed. Now, I welcome it. I do not care if anyone is looking at me, and I do not wonder what they are thinking. I remind myself "this is my grief and I will deal with it my way".

I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't, it is something you will have to find, and you will! Please continue to come here and talk about it anytime you need to. I, as well as many others, are all here for you.

Remember, "you will be ok", it takes time. Time itself will not heal, it is how we use the time that heals us.

Renee

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their thoughtfull posts about Chazz. It makes me feel good inside my heart to hear of the people that Chazz had interacted with, and some of them he helped. I do not know what I will do without him, as I said before he was not my soul mate he was my soul. I miss him so much. How will I explain to my grandkids someday about Chazz? I just do not know what to do, we did everything together, even grocery shopped. We are empty nesters this should have been our time together. I take comfort in his words, everything happens for a reason I cannot understand what on earth that reason can be. Maybe I will understand someday. God bless you.

I just came here today for the first time. So, I never knew your husband and haven't read your posts before. I just wanted to say that your words touched me so deeply that I have tears in my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss but want to thank you for being strong enough to come here to share your story.

Renee thank you so much for your advice, I feel so selfish I cannot seem to like help other posters, I cannot get myself together. I am so sorry for your loss, Chaz had mentioned about your story. I cannot seem to get moving on, it seems like it takes all my energy to even get in the shower I just wanna sit on the couch all the time. I was such a go alonger type, Chaz made all the plans he did everything planned everyweekend now I just feel like I am so lost.

Jaggedblossem thank you for your post, beleive me there is nothing strong about me, I am a mess. My posts came from shear panic.

I want to be strong, I was so taken care of with Chazz he did everything.

Is anyone out their tonight ?

i am here hun.... i hope you find some comfort tonight. i am sorry that i missed you. i have been thinking a lot about you and your loss. i know i can't say anything to make the pain stop, if i could i would!

Renee, Mrs Chaz, and all who come here...I keep you all in my prayers...I dont get in here often (comp. problems) I thought of everyone of this site, and all the heartaches during the holidays, then the title wave taking so many.. so much sorrow, grief, devastation...all I can do is pray and give where I can, with what I can. Just wanted to let you all know Im still in the wing...... Gods peace..... Mattie

Mrs. Chaz- Sorry I missed you last night. I hope you are ok. There is no need for you to feel selfish. I can completely understand why you feel so lost, you just had a great loss, it is only natural that you feel that way. It is not easy to "get motivated" take your time, and be VERY patient with yourself. Did you and Chaz have a normal morning routine, before cancer? Like for example. Scott and I would get up every morning and I would fix myself coffee, and him a glass of juice. We would sit at the kitchen table and do the crossword puzzle together, from the newspaper. I found myself missing this routine, very much! So, I decided to go buy a coffee pot that I could set to auto brew. What I did was, I set the coffee pot for 15 minutes before I wanted to get up, I went and bought a newpaper (did not open it, laid it on the table). The next morning. I got up, my coffee was made, my newspaper was there, and I did the crossword puzzle. Though it was VERY difficult to do without Scott, I did it anyways (also realized that HE was the one that knew most of the answers, I could not finish it!), but my life actually felt a "little" normal that morning. My point is, if Scott and I had "habits" or "routines", I try to do some of them without him, the ones that I am able to, just so everything does not have to change at once. It is not completely teh same without him, but the rituals are the same that I am accustomed to. It sounds crazy, but it really does make me feel better. And, once I have done that, I have a little more motivation and I can go get in the shower and do something. I usually do not do much. I just drive, or take my dog for a walk, or take him to the park. Or, I go to the cinema in the afternoon and watch a movie. Just any little thing I can, something to get out of the house and try to do things.

I have had a set back, but I will bounce back from it. I am going into the 4th month without Scott, and I will be honest with you (for me anyways) right when I started thinking "ok, maybe I can do this" (was going into 3 months for me when I though I was somewhat ok), I took a back plunge, right back into the grief full force. So, the last week has been quite difficult for me. But, I can still here Scott's voice telling me "you have to keep going, you are not done". And he is right, I am not done, I DO want to keep living. Sometimes I wonder what I am living for, and then a take a look at the life around me (family, friends and nature) and realize, THIS is what I am living for. And, I am living for God, when I am done here, I will be with Scott again.

I am rambling. Your loss is so fresh and so raw, the way you are feeling is ok. You need to let yourself grieve, and cry, it is what heals us. Grief is not our enemy, it is our friend, and going through it is how we will be healed. We will always miss and love, and never forget Chaz and Scott, but we will be with them again one day. But for now, we just have to do the best we can to keep moving, and keep living, until that day comes. For you, I hope Chaz will continue to live through the eyes of your children and your grandchildren, and through the stories that can be shared. Chaz was a strong and faithful man, I know, without a doubt, he is in God's hands and he is at rest. And I know that is hard to accept because we want them here, with us, forever.

I bet Chaz and Scott have met, because they both knew of each other before they left this world. I just wonder what they are saying about us. :) I know that they are with us, and they will always be watching over us. They do not want to see us hurting and in such deep pain, but they to know that we have to go through this, but we will make it. And I know, what they have left us in our hearts will help us make it.

I Wish I could give you a BIG HUG (((((MRS. CHAZ)))))

Renee

Mrs. Chaz- I have copied and pasted my response over to the "grief/loss" thread, so we can move this conversation over there. If anyone chooses to read it from there, that is ok. But, I thought maybe we should move it there, so that people beginning the journey may not see so much of the doom/gloom. While everyone knows the statistics of most forms of lung cancer, I do not want to give anyone any reason to give up their fight or lose hope. Because the fight is very important, and there is always hope.

Hope that is ok with you, to move the topic to the grief/loss thread.

Renee

Renee... You never cease to amaze me, as I read your post, I felt as though I lived part of those empty mornings through you, and in part with you as Clint and I battled too.. .. you are so gifted at your ability to express in type' just what the heart longs to hear. I hope you will continue to reach out to others as you do and embrace them with your words of enouragement, and insight. You are truly a blessing!
An update on Clint while I can be in here, my computer has its glitches... his liver tests still seem to be "different".. but they are watching them. He still tires easy, and is winded even more. He has had three very bad colds this winter, that reminds us to stay focused on good nutrition etc. I have taken another job (as many do) to play catch up, since we have so many medical bills etc.... but then because my job is out of town I feel guilty for not being with him as much as I'd like. *sigh* I guess it is the way life goes...and he to feels guilty because he is at home all the time.
I know loosing Scott has been horrific, as with Chaz, and others here.. I felt so close to you, Scott, Chaz...Stupid as it may sound I sometimes feel bad that we made it through the storm...
well Renee, I hope to keep in touch with you and mrs chaz (when this box allows) I just had to write you and tell you how much you mean to me.
God Bless... Mattie

HI Mrs Chazz

My internet access has been sporadic since I'm out of town working. But I popped in and saw your posts.

As others have said, allow yourself time to grieve. It's natural for you to feel lost and alone, and there are no time limits. You will begin to heal in YOUR time, not in anyone elses time.

Your loss is so much the more tragic for it being so sudden. No one knew how sick Chazz was, so of course you didn't expect him to be home from tests one day and in the hospital the next and a coma the next. Too much too soon.

Most people with cancer have time- time to get their houses in order, time for treatment, and time to work through the stages of grief. You two weren't given that time, as his illness wasn't treated from the getgo as it should have been.

It's got to be overwhelming. But time does ease it. And Chazz will always be in your heart. How do I know that? Well, because I still think of him and all he meant to the people here every day. So, if I a stranger, feel a loss, of course you feel it a million times stronger.

Your only comfort might be in that it was quick. He didn't spend months and months suffering. I know that sounds cold, but please try and take at least a little comfort from that.

And your son. Spend time talking about him with those that loved and knew him. Sometimes they might not be willing to just let you talk. If that is the case, come here. The folks here will always listen.

Hugs
Patty

Mrs. Chazz,
I never knew your husband, but after reading every thread about him and crying harder than I ever imagined, I feel like I knew him forever. You were very blessed to have him for 27 years and although I know you wanted it to be longer, please know that everything that he went through is going to help many people. I personally was referred to your thread being new and trying to decide if I should get a second opinion. I know now that I will get that 2nd opinion and more if I have to. I also have learned that I have to be stern and speak up and voice my concerns and opinions. I too am a person who says that things happen for a reason. I know we never know exactly why, but I think part of why was for him touch all of our lives with words, support and love. But most of all to teach us never to give up,and he will continue to do all of the above, even after life!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers always,
Mandy

Thank you so much Mandasue, I hope you are doing ok and that you do end up getting good news. It does make me feel very good that Chaz even in his death could be somehow still helping people. The people here are so caring they helped Chaz and I so much through this illness. Listen to them they are so giving.