Hi, I guess I'm new at this. I'm not sure what exactly I want to say.....I'm scared....I'm alone....I dont have anyone to talk to or anyone to turn to. I recently went to the doctor regaurding a lump on my ribs. Suprising to myself, she was more interested in my weight and the fact that I am 5'6 inches tall and I weigh 100 pounds. I tried to play it off, and pretend as tho I am just naturally this way, but the way she looked at me told me she knew that I was lying, she insisted that I come back in a month. I'm scared that she's going to end up putting me in a hospital. I dont want to be in a hospital and I dont want to gain anyweight, I already think I'm fat as it is. I hate myself and everything about me. my friends are always asking me why I wear so much clothes, altho one of my friends, being very blunt as she always is, came to me one nite and asked me to take of some of my shirts, I wear like five at all times, and I said no, but she insisted and I took all of them off except for a tank top, I always have one on. and she said see look. You wear all those clothes and make people think that you are bigger than you are. she ran her hand down my back and told me that she can see every bone in my spine and that she can count each of my ribs, my hip bones stick out and i can fit my hands around my thighs with room to spare. Yet I still feel so fat and am petrified of gaining weight. Everyone says I will die, I guess in the back of my mind I know I will, but its not enough to make me stop....please help me....I'm hurting so bad

Hey.
I know you may not think its great that your friend has noticed this about you but it only shows how much she loves and cares for you. That's great. Its good to have someone to care for you like that even if it does frustrate you like crazy that they insist you gain weight or eat.
In regards to your fears of not wanting to gain weight. I know how you feel and just about everybody on here does as well.
Unfortunately no one can help you until you are willing to help yourself. Sure we can give you advice and say we're here for you but we can't help you unless you're willing to make a change and that change can't happen over night but you've got to realize that you've got a problem and that you need to take action in order to stop hurting.
I assume you're suffering from anorexia? Okay.. me too. Yeah. I'm still suffering. Anyways, you need to go to your doctor and see someone who can get you on some medication that will help with those feelings of hate towards yourself and low selfworth.
Anyways, If you need anything, I and lots of others are here. Feel free to post again so we can chat.
I really hope things get better.
Bless you.
~Mel

Mel
I guess you're right, my friend is just trying to look out for me. But you know everyone is always yelling at me to eat. No one ever asks why I don't. Or even cares what I feel or how I feel that makes me not eat, they just want me to wake up tomorrow and be fixed, that my problem will go away and everything will be better. But it doesnt work that way. You know that the same as I do, but someone who has never been there doesnt know that. They just think you're stupid or you "want attention" is a main one I get, but thats not it, I tried to keep it all hidden, but it came out about 3 years ago, and no one has left me alone since then. It makes me feel good to know they care, but I wish they could show it in a different way than making me always feel like I'm under attack. I'm open to their comments, concerns and suggestions, I just dont need to have them all freak out on me.
I know that no one can help me until I am willing to help myself, and if I'd say that I'm all about it, I would be lying. I'm just so confused right now I dont know what to think or feel or anything. all I know is that I hurt, and I hate who I am, how I look, my weight, my life. I am so depressed, I write a lot, and lately all the things I write are just horrible. and I would be scared if my family would find something like this and read it. I know it would scare them, but I have no one I can just sit and tell honestly what I think or feel. I used to be on medications for depression and a panic disorder, and I quit taking everything, quit going to counseling, all my senior year. I got into drugs so bad that I didnt care about what anyone said or if they wanted to help or not. I hated everything, and I hurt so bad I just wanted to get all messed up and forget, and yeah when I got sober from everything it would come back, but for that little bit it was gone. and I still do some things now, and I hate that, I just run and hide from all my problems. I was getting better, I did it all on my own to. I was so proud. I was back up to 125 pounds. I felt great, I had energy and I wasnt sick and dizzy I wouldnt pass out or just fall down in the shower, I would eat and not feel bad about it. Then my world crashed. my best friend in the whole world died....20 years old. . . we were drinking, doing drugs and partying....and him and another friend got into a fight like five minutes after he kissed me and told me that he had always been in love with me but could never do anything because of his ex which is like a sister to me, and my ex who is his best friend we didnt want to hurt anyone although we were always in love with each other, and I told him that I loved him to and always had, and then we went downstairs of his house, we had been in his room playing music (guitars) and him and his ex got into an argument, as they always did and he told her to leave, I was on the front porch with my ex smoking a cigarette and she came down the driveway in her car, I ran down and got her outta the car I told her to stay not to leave, that he didnt mean what he said and I asked her to walk across the street and calm down, she said let me get my keys, I told her "YOUR CAR ISNT GOING ANYWHERE" and my best friend jumped in that car, I remember looking in his eyes just before he drove away and he looked so crazy, and I watched him drive away, and my ex and i jumped in the car and took off behind him.....he made it 3 miles....before he hit a tree and died.....it's my fault....I mean what do I do....my best friend and love of my life is gone, and its all my fault....I told her that he car wasnt going anywhere and now he's dead all ebcause i didnt want to take 2 seconds to take the keys out....and all my problems really came back then, I had finally learned to love myself, and then this happens and it makes me hate myself so much. I look in the mirror everyday and if Im not looking at how fat I think I am, then I'm just reinforcing the fact that I dont have a best friend and barely any friends at all because its my fault my best friend is dead....(everyone blames me for it the same as i blame myself....so not many people even tlak to me anymore) Im sorry for telling all of this, I have no one to talk to....this happened a little over a year ago, and this is the first ive ever let any of it out....
~confused and broken~
~chrissy~

Chrissy,
Hey. I know. I've got a friend who gives me a real hard time about eating and its really frustrating I mean.. I love her and I know she means well but it drives me crazy. She's alwasy trying to get me to eat and trying to guilt me into it. Its frustrating and worst of all she's staying with me over Christmas so I know its gonna be crazy. I'm sure I'll gain a few or more pounds... grr... anways...I do however have an amazing boyfriend who is an amazing support. He never tries to force me to eat unless its been a really long time, he's always just saying he'd love me to eat but he wont' make me... and I know he loves me like this and I mean.. I should know that he loved me before when I was at my "fat" weight. But that never seems to get through my thick head.
Have you talked to your friends about how you feel like they are attacking you? I mean.. you can't expect an immediate change but its worth a try and I know they'll never fully understand but they might be able to a little.
I've got to go for a few but I'll reply to the rest of that in a bit.
~Mel

Okay. Me again. Now where was I? Right.. okay. Medication and counselling. You need to get back to those. Especially the counselling.
I know there isnt' much I can say but you need to believe that your friend dying is not your fault. Okay... there cant' be any arguing at all. You just have to accept it. Its NOT your fault. You can keep going back on the should haves... you just need to accept that it happened and then realize that maybe that was a chance for to learn something. You couldn't have known that your friend was going to get in that car himself, there is no way you could have stopped him either. And your friends are wrong to blame you and they have no right to do that.
I'm really really sorry to hear that you lost someone you love very much. And yeah... I know its hard not to blame yourself. I lost my daughter because of something I did... and I blame myself alot but I know that both you and I have to accept that there is nothing we could have done to stop it all.
My boyfriend once told me something that helps me try and love myself. He said that if I think he is so wonderful and that if I believe he loves me. Then if someone as wonderful as he can love me then I must be something worth loving.
You also are something worth loving. If your best friend who you loved and still love very much and obviously thought was very wonderful, could love you then you were and still are definetly something worth loving! And there are alot of people who do love you!
Do you think your friend would like to know you were blaming yourself? If I were him I wouldn't. It'd make me very sad to know that you were sad. And it does too.
Anyways, I'm really glad you were able to let all that out. Its good to do that. We all need to. Let me know what else I can do. I look forward to hearing from you again.
God Bless.
~Mel

I thank you so much for listening and caring and giving me someone to talk to that will listen and not judge. I'm too scared to talk to anyone else because they will judge me and tell me what they think my problem is, or how I need to handle it. And all I really need right now is someone to understand. And you're doing just that, and giving imput back but you're doing it in a way thats not rude or mean to me, that doesnt make me feel worthless. and I appreciate it more than you probably know. I've spent most of the past 4.5 years trying to hide everything and convince everyone that I was fine that at some point I convinced myself of that as well. And recently I've seen it. I'm not fine. I'm sick and I've got a problem. I looked in the mirror and my face is getting wrinkles because ive lost so much weight and my face is shrinking and my skin is too big....im 19 years old and im getting wrinkles all under and around my eyes.....I see every single one of my ribs.....and yet i still dont wanna eat, I still want to lose weight......man ......I'm so scared..... I really really am....
chrissy

Hey Chrissy,
I really know and I do understand.
I know it may not seem like a good thing but you're being scared is. It really is. It means you know something is wrong.
God Bless.
~Mel

thank you for listening and caring....I appreciate it...you take care of yourself always okay, and dont ever give up.

Hey Chrissy.
I haven't talked to you in awhile and I just wanted to check and see how you were doing. Maybe there is a way for me to talk to you one on one but I don't know. I'm not so good at this kind of stuff. But yeah. Let me know how you are. I've been thinking and praying for you.
God Bless.
~Mel