Hi everyone. I'm new here.
OK, here's my question.

Ever since the anorexia started, I've had all these feelings of having to be better than all the other girls. I feel I have to not only skinnier, but prettier, smarter, and have better grades. I'm a college journalism major and I feel threatened by skinny, smart girls in our jour. classes. I feel like a girl could know everything, but if she is fat then it doesn't count or matter.

I feel so anxious in one of my classes because I am so intimidated by the professor. She's like SO nice, but also skinny, pretty, very smart/successful, dresses well, has a career outside of teaching and has kids. She is everything I want to be. I feel like she is PERFECT. I can't talk in class because I'm scared of her, but jealous of her, too. Also, it's like I want her to mother me, but I'm terrified of her and embarrassed of the way I feel about her. The thing is, I don't even know her that well at all. I'm not sure what I'm asking, but I think these feelings are bizarre.

Does anyone else understand this or ever feel this way?
Thanks!!!
Anne Marie

Yes, I know exactly how you feel. And it doesn't help that all my friends are beautiful, thin and smart and talented, and they're really nice (except they don't really like me much). Oh god, I hate them so much.

Zizzi.

i also know what u mean pinkfairy. all my friends were like zileas. they were all beautiful and always had guys chasing them, were more popular, had more friends, smarter, the works. i was jealous of them, but the only thing i could be better at was being skinnier. even at one point, one friend of mine was skinnier than me, in my head i was like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" but never showed it. i just told her she looked great, like a good friend should be. weird though, how we see ppl, and they see us the same way. like they wish they were us. all my friends told me they same exact thing abt me. its funny at times. u just have to think...im an individual, im different and proud of it. just have to turn a negative into a positive. well hoped my boring story helped. wish u the best in all u do.

i really think there is so much you can do to make yourself into one of these beautiful girls that you admire so much.
Just taking care of yourself really goes a long way. If you look closely at people who are considered beautiful, it is not necessarily that they are genetically good looking, but they are conscious of their weight, taking care of their skin and hair, dressing to emphasis their best features, etc. Alot of movie stars fall into this category- look at how actresses can transform into non-descript people for roles- I am thinking about Rene Zellweger and the movie Bridget Jones.
All of these things just require effort and attention to detail. A person who exudes a unique sense of self and happiness is so much more attractive then someone who is tortured with jealous and self-contempt. You have to be careful because these negative thoughts transform into negative energy which others are perceptive to.

Hey.
I aggree so much. Even before the anorexia started I felt inferior to people, I wanted to do and be perfect and I was so terribly jealous of pretty girls and girls with boyfriends. Still am.
I am so jealous and feel so inferior of my best friend still. I love her to death and I know she doesn't know this is whole I feel but she's so pretty, and she's thin and talented and so much smarter (not academically but in worldly things) than I am. She's got a great boyfriend and so many people love her. Its so hard not to be jealous or feel inferior.
~Mel

o me 2 girls! i mean, i envied girls my WHOLE life...actually, i think thats how this all started...my grades not so much, i mean, i have a smart class, and if i do my best, and get good marks, im happy, but yes, i STRIVE to be skinnier than the other girls. and heck, i know i am, but still, i need to eat less and excercise more. why? no idea!

keep in touch!:wave:

SammY

juicylicious, i love ur message! i totally agree!! i mean, look at beyonce, or JLo, or missy elliot!! theyre not tiwgs yet their GORGOUES and have curves and meat! i mean, queen latifa? BOW shes one of the prettiest girls in show biz there is!! truely, in my head, if i close my eyes, i picture myself with curves and a bit bigger. but in the mirror i want bones. why? im totally clueless!!

i agree j-lo and beyonce (spelling?) are gorgeous...they carry their 'meat' well. i think its great, but i am 5'7" and if i go over 110 lbs i cant look in the mirror. the 'meat' does not go into the right places! the juicylicious gets out of hand....

haha! o u got a sense of humor! lol...but yah i know what u mean, i mean, their meat is all muscle meat. they pay like 1500 dollars per hour just for a private trainer. i dont think we can actually do that. but i must say, i give em credit. they work hard and they are dedicated to their work. but they live in a fantasy world...ohh...what it would take to be perfect:)?

I am very interested in what you have to say about your self image. I do have a question though since I have a sister who fits what you described. The inferiority and low self esteem etc. I love her so much and want to help her since she is so very unhealthily skinny now. What do you do about the feelings you have that keep you in that place od low self esteem and feelings of inferiority? What programs have you tried to combat and recover from the problems that casused it? Which ones work for you? Phoebe

Hey! I know all about the jealousy thing! When i was younger, i used to be sooo happy with the way i looked, i had tons of friends, and i was so active [i was a bit on the chubby side, but not too bad] then i started getting really jealous when i was like 12 so i decided i wanted to get really skinny and be better then everyone else! now im a healthy weight, though i still struggle with anorexia everyday... and i still feel this need to be prettier, skinnier, and better then every other girl... and i hate that feeling! i just want to love who i am because i know that being that way is attractive! I get so fed up w/ myself sometimes! :(

o ocurt me 2!! and i really od hate thinking these ways about my friends:( it breaks my heart! and non stop i think of "calories calories calories" sheesh!!! nonstop i look up on the net diet tips and what not. take today for instance!! i looked up nutrition in stir fry because thats what i had for supper last nite!! like, c'mon get a brain in ur head!!

SammYx0x0x

Are any of you in any sort of program to work through and understand the feelings you described? It sounds a lot loke something that would benefit from a 12 Step program. I want to be able to respond correctly to my sister who I think is tryng to disappear. Do any of you know any of the dynamics re anorexia and alcoholism? Phoebe

well, i am going to a 5 day retreat on wednesday, so im guessing thatll be all preachy and stuff...and for alchohol, im not 2 shure...i mean, i am young, i will admit i have been drunk a couple times. and personally it makes me feel good. i can forget all my probs (except its aalchohol which is bad for u in the first place) so i dont do it often. it was since new years i held a cooler in my hand.

Sammyx0x0x

Thank you SammyT for responding. I am new to all of this so I appreciate all you can tell me. When I mentioned alcoholism, I should have specified. Our mother was an alcoholic which makes the kids, including my sister, Adult Children of an Alcoholic. That causes issues of its own very similar to those mentioned on the forum here. I just wondered if anyone here was aware of a connection between the two and what would help. Thanks. Phoebe

o yeh, im not 2 sure really...
sorry im not much help!

Phoebe~ In my opinion, I would say that alcoholism in the family and anorexia are very much connected. I believe it's the ability to finally be able to control something. A person can't pick the family they live in or the habits those family members have, but they can pick and choose their own habits and the way they want to live.
Maybe your sister wants to better herself, but only she wants to do it dangerously. She's seen the effects of alcoholism and how terrible it must make a person look and feel. Maybe she wants to make herself look and feel the "best." By best, I mean the best in her eyes. That could be extremely distorted.
Also, I was wondering how/why your mother became an alcoholic. If it started from marital problems or family issues, maybe your sister turns to anorexia because she has to standout. I do not mean this in a bad way. Possibly she wants to find the best spouse someday. Of course, I don't know what her status is now. Since many males would agree that appearance does mean a lot for first impressions, she might want to set the best impression she can to find the best guy she can. By this, she can avoid problems of a bad marriage. This one is a long shot because I don't know anything about your sister or your family.

Thank you. You have made some excellent points. I know there is a connection between the two and you are right about it being a contol issue in one sense. She afterall controls what she puts in her mouth or not. I am not saying that issue is all that is going on because I think there are many dynamics in play there. She compares her outsde to other siblings outsides. That's AlAnon talk but means she compares herself to others like the title of the thread. She seems to feel "not good enough" and bases her worth on things like money and possessions, etc. She is unhappy in her marriage, but she plays a part in that. I do know one thing though from my education and from three years as an Al-Anon member who works the Program. Alcoholism as a disease with physical, emotional, social, etc effects. It is not by choice that a person becomes an alcoholic any more than it is a choice to have an eating disorder or any other illness. My Mom's father was alcoholic as is her brother. What is a choice is what one does about it. That's the hard part and where all the work is. There is no magic bullet for either, but there is a program to follow that allows one to make more healthy choices. This strengthens all other aspects of one's life from work to family to self etc. I also know that the effects of alcoholism and other addictions including food addictions (remember that our Mom was an Adult Child too) can manifest themselves in many ways including eating disorders. OA, OverEaters Anonymous, is for anyone with a food addiction. The programs are very similar as far as foundaiton and format. Through my AlAnon connections, I met a lady yesterday whose story is almost identical to my sister's. She is in AlAonon to as well as OA. she was anorexic an still struggles with it. This same woman lived in the same area of the same state as my sister several years ago as well. She and I live in a diff state from my sister. To me, that was a HP moment. That is AlAnon speak too. I wasn't sure of my part because I love her but don't want to get in the way. I fear he is in the process of reaching a bottom and maybe that will break the Denial. I just didn't want her to have to lose her life toward that end. Thank you, and I apologize for the length. Phoebe