Hi everyone, I just got home last Friday from a 3 week stay at the hospital for my ED. I was also really depressed. I feel better and I'm home now. But I feel like I'm sabatoging myself. I liked it there and I met a lot of great people, both patients and staff. Now I'm home and I'm following the rules. Eating three meals a day, planning them and making sure they have all the food groups, etc. But I hate it! I want to revert back to my old habits. But why?!?!?! I have so much, I have a partner, a puppy, 2 kitties, a house, a good job, etc. But I can't seem to let this go. I hate myself for it! I'm going to a partial program 3 days a week starting this week. It doesn't focus much on ED's but they have another ED program I might be able to get a little involved in. They originally said I didn't qualify for the other program. Why that is I have no idea. I've been out of work almost 4 weeks now, I've got a couple more to go. I'm so wanting to go back to losing weight! God I need to snap the heck out of it. I just ate a whole boat load of chips too. So that doesn't help. Why can't I allow myself to get better?! I'm so confused.

Thanks for listening
Lauren

Hi Lauren,

Welcome back. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, even if you don't want to. I thought about you a few times, hoping you were doing okay. I'm just starting recovery myself. It's hard. But you're not in the trenches alone. We're all here, routing for you!

I know how you feel! I was in treatment for a year and just got out in last August. It doesn't feel like it was that long ago. It's hard to keep up with the food and manage to not sabotage yourself. I know that I am in the middle of a bit of a "backslide" right now and a big part of me just wants to continue to get back to where I was before treatment. I wish that I had some wisdom for you, but just keep on doing what your doing! I just wanted to say that I know how you feel

Bjork

Hey there,

I want to say good luck to you with everything, but I also want to say that it's not a simple case of 'snapping out of it'. This is a long battle that can be won but you have to fight it every day. Feel proud of yourself for sticking to your meal plan rather than the 'old way' of feeling proud when you skip a meal. Remember how much you have going for you and all the reasons you have to be alive, and to really get the chance to live your life, not have anorexia take it away from you.

There are a lot of people recovering on these boards, me included, so you are not alone in this and you will always get support from people here.

Take care

J*L xxx

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm still struggling but doing it. It's half hearted but I'm trying to "fake it till I make it". I'm going to this partial hospitalization program from 10-2, 3 days per week. I started this week. I'm not sure if I like it because they don't talk about ED stuff. I know that's not my whole problem and that I should be able to get stuff out of the groups. I just wish there was a group of some kind I could go to that does deal with the ED so I had a place to process stuff. They have an ED program but apparently I didn't qualify. I'm not exactly sure why that is. I'm trying to get to a place where I can push to see a dietician or something from the ED side of the program.
Recovery is a battle, and I know it's not a quick thing. I guess I'm just not giving myself enough credit. I try to look at all I have to live for and it just doesn't seem to motivate me. And that scares me. I love my partner, my puppy, my kitties, my house, my job and my friends, etc. But for some reason it does not allow me to let go of my ED. I'm just SO frustrated! There was a girl there that I became friendly with who has been in the hospital once before because of her ED. I just don't want to end up back there. But there's also a part of me that wants go back and not deal with everything. Just have them do it. I know that's not realistic and all, I just can't stop thinking about how much I want to go back and hide from the world. I feel like such a coward. I feel like I shouldn't continue my job because I'm such a hypocrite. How am I supposed to provide therapy for people when I can't even get a grip on my own life? God I'm just so confused! Well thanks for letting me vent.

Lauren

9 years (?) ago, I was in the hospital for 1month 1week and 1 day...I remember feeling how great it was to be home-I really missed being there...but I was in the hosp for so long that I almost felt kind of lost-and at times I missed it (WEIRD!)..in fact, when I'm not doing well (which is not very often-I've been stable for about 3 years now) I STILL miss and it.

Keep up the good work. It is HARD work...it always is.

I wish you lots of luck!

i miss the hospital when I am not doing well too. I think I just want to be taken care of.. decisions made for me.. people to understand me.. and care.

True that, Holli...
I don't do well when I'm overly stressed, and I think it's the structure that I "miss".