Hi y'all!
I'm new here. I am 20 yrs old and have been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for 12 yrs.. I am now holding a healthier weight but still very much have those demons in my head. Found this sentance in my journal last night (written in the hospital.) Though I would share it::

"I can't even ENJOY being thin."

I kinda ask myself.., are you really ENJOYING being thin? or is that impossible? or can you really really enjoy life when it revolves around a number, when all that matters is that stupid scale... with so much guilt and shame, with so much depression...with so much hunger. The pursuit of thiness is not all it has cracked up be to!!

I think dwelling on all of the negatives of my eating disorder helps me a bit in recovery.. or with the desire to recover.. to be normal... to be happy.

Take care of yourselves guys.
Holli-Anne

Hey Holli-Anne

I'm 20 as well and have been struggling with anorexia and bulimia (but mostly anorexia) for 9 years. I want to say well done for maintaining a healthy weight, and for the successes you are having with your recovery. It is the most difficult thing we will ever have to do but it'll be worth it when we finally get control of our eds.

I hope everyone on these boards reads your post because, as you said, we try so hard to be thin because we think it will make us happy and successful, but we can never be truly happy when we're in the thoes of an eating disorder.

I read 'Wasted' recently, and there was a sentence in there that really struck me as being true and important, I guess, just as the sentence you wrote did with you. It was when she said: 'Remember, she's trying to kill you' about her anorexia. It made me realise that I wanted my life back, all these health problems I'm having now that are affecting my social life, my job, that impact on every minute of every day, they're all down to her. If you want to live, however small a part of you it may be, you have to remember that however much she seems like a friend and an ally, she's really just trying to kill you. I remember that every time I think of skipping a meal.

I hope your recovery is going well and without too many bad days.
Take care,

J*L xxx

Hey JL
I noticed you said you read the book Wasted. I'm reading that now. I got it a few days after I got out of the hospital. I really like it. I was sick of reading things that sounded like a text book. I'm finally reading something from someone who has experienced the ED. I don't think I've gotten to the part that you mentioned but it's so true. She is just trying to kill us. So why do we allow that.
Also what you quoted Hollie Anne. We don't ever enjoy the thinness. It's what we strive for but it goes to show that it's really not about the food. Because no matter how "thin" we get we are never happy with it. I'm having trouble figuring out what the driving force is for the ED. Why did this happen? What am I running from or trying to replace?
Ya know the weird part is that before I went to the hospital and got treatment I didn't want it. I was hell bent that I was going to fix this on my own or with as little help as possible. Now that I've had the experience and it was so good I just want some more. I want to be somewhere that people understand what an ED does to a person, I want to be somewhere that is safe and controlled. I know I can't hide in the hospital forever but god it was really nice there. The people were nice and they got it. I don't feel that way now. Well I'm rambling again.
I do want to share a paragraph that I got while I was in treatment about ED's. But I wanted to ask people before I post it because it's really graphic. It's really true but it's kinda creepy. So let me know if it would be ok and I'll post it.

Thanks
Lauren

Congrats Holli!!!

I'm not sure one can enjoy ANYTHING being so thin. Looking back at the years I was so thin...they all seem so foggy or blurred to me. Makes sense though...How can the brain remeber anything when it too is being starved?

Much luck to you!!
Jenn

yeah,
the brain can't function when starved..

JL, thanks for your encouragement!