Lost my Mom April,4th 2001. I miss her so bad I cant stand it. I was there with her getting chemo....we were very close...I have no brothers or sisters. Losing her was everything. I have no parents now and I am 33...My Dad hasn't wanted anything to do with me ever since I was 12 years old. He lives in the same town but I never hear from him. I am just so depressed and think of her everyday and its been this long. The only thing that keeps me going is to get through college, I am a junior now. I know I went back late, but nobody can take my education away from me;) I still wonder if she is okay. When she passed I really was pissed off at the world and hated God. Now I do not know what to believe ,,...Long story...Anyway, I am just wondering how to cope an deal. Sometimes I wonder if am going to get what she had. She had a rare blood disease called polycythemia vera. I am just hopeless and a complainer right now,,,sorry....But I am wondering if this will get any better.....I still remember her talking to me and every little thing.........I miss her so much....Now I do not even want anything to do with doctors or hospitals or tests.,...I am scared to death they are going to find something....So I stay away....I had to deal with my 5 year old going through ITP a blood disorder that is now cured,,,but I went through that while my mom was dying in the hospital at the same time...I just wanted to get away and have everything normal again..,...I just cant stand tests of any kind...anyway enough of me complaining...I just think I need some sort of anxiety pill or something....good grief.....well if anyone has any advice please write

First...Welcome to the boards. Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. You will find alot of support here from people who have experienced what you have. I have not lost my mother so I can not understand your pain..only imagine. I hope things get better for you and your heart heals in time. You never have to forget her and I hope you do know that she is with you. I am glad that your child is ok too. I do hope things get better for you.

Hello and welcome. I just lost my mother about 2 weeks ago, So I think I know your pain. My mother was everything to me, and I am an only child, and I didn’t want her to go, and I feel that she was killed and I’m just so confused, so I know how you feel, the best advice I have received was it will never get better, it will only get easer. The worst part for me is the religious part like you, being so confused. I had a strong faith, and I watched her die, and I know she didn’t want to, but there was no choice, but around the end I think she did want to, she just didn’t tell me. It was the worst thing I ever saw, and I would hate to have to go through that with my Child. My Grandmother watched her daughter die, just as I watch it happen. So she was a mother and a daughter. I think the worst part was, she held on for so long, that watching her body fail in all these different areas was hard and painful. I cared for her at the end, and helped her go to the bathroom, and I loved it, I could do it forever rather then lose her, but her pain was so terrible. The way she looked at me, like a child, the way I looked at her, not meaning to, but full of pity.

But I always had hope, then my aunt told her to leave that it was ok, that everyone loved her, bluh bluh bluh, and I HATE that she was there at the end and told her to leave, I feel like she killed her. But at the same time I know it was best…. So that confusion, your talking to her. I going through it too.

I still have faith in God because he has helped me in so many ways and I know that smoking killed my mother not God, but sometime I feel like he could of saved her but didn’t. The worst is when people say “she is not in body but with you in spirit,” and I don’t believe it, but I want to, she is gone, maybe to a better place. And I’m left here, and I hate it. But staying here with me in spirit would be the worst thing, because I hate this planet why would she want to stay here? Ha ha ha I know that she knows that I would not want her to stay in spirit with me if there was a wonderful place in God heart she was able to reach. And that one day I will meet her there, and that form of letting her go is actually helping.

And now … life goes on and I miss her, but things are starting to get a bit easier. So I will pray for you that God will help you fined your answers and put your confused mined to peace as well ^_^

Lost my Mom April,4th 2001. I miss her so bad I cant stand it. I was there with her getting chemo....we were very close...I have no brothers or sisters. Losing her was everything. I have no parents now and I am 33...My Dad hasn't wanted anything to do with me ever since I was 12 years old. He lives in the same town but I never hear from him. I am just so depressed and think of her everyday and its been this long. The only thing that keeps me going is to get through college, I am a junior now. I know I went back late, but nobody can take my education away from me;) I still wonder if she is okay. When she passed I really was pissed off at the world and hated God. Now I do not know what to believe ,,...Long story...Anyway, I am just wondering how to cope an deal. Sometimes I wonder if am going to get what she had. She had a rare blood disease called polycythemia vera. I am just hopeless and a complainer right now,,,sorry....But I am wondering if this will get any better.....I still remember her talking to me and every little thing.........I miss her so much....Now I do not even want anything to do with doctors or hospitals or tests.,...I am scared to death they are going to find something....So I stay away....I had to deal with my 5 year old going through ITP a blood disorder that is now cured,,,but I went through that while my mom was dying in the hospital at the same time...I just wanted to get away and have everything normal again..,...I just cant stand tests of any kind...anyway enough of me complaining...I just think I need some sort of anxiety pill or something....good grief.....well if anyone has any advice please write
Hello. I lost my mother Feb 2002. She went soon after a heart attack on the heals of pneumonia. My 2 children (whom she was minding as I worked) watches her collapse in the living room of her home that night. I am grateful that she had someone with her when this happened (although i wish they hadn't had to see her that way) She was only 59 then and was taken to the hospital where the staff we spoke with led my sister and I to believe that she would come around the next day. Well..... I spent that day near my Mother in the cardiac wing listening to the attending doctor tell me that all the tests they performed were not as hoped and that my mother had no brain function and was kept alive only by respirator. She slipped away later that afternoon as I held her hand......I never got to say goodbye even though I was right there. Yes it hurts like hell, But I will always know this.....She is part of WHO I AM and so is her memory and so is the pain of losing her. You never lose that because it becomes PART OF YOU and WHO YOU ARE. Please always think of this....... "Ask not more of your tears than those who have loved you would ask, for in doing so you commit the more of you to where the heart dies, rather than where it thrives!!!!!" LIVE... as they did!!!

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Hi my name is Debra & I also lost my mother on Nov.8th 2004 she was such a special mom & person I miss her a great deal its like shes still here with me.
I just can't get used to her being gone. She was happy at her place of many years until my brother & middle sister had her moved to a different house & there she was unhappy she was getting around some with her walker but couldn't walk on her own then before I knew it those 2 family members had her put into a Nursing Home which she said long time ago she never wanted to go to a place like that she told my middle sister one day its like your putting me away before my time but did my sister listen no she didn't. Mom
just could not be by herself I was staying with her until I had to move out of her Apt. I did all I could for her but since my kids were taken from me back on Aug. 1st 2002 I have not been the same its like I was in a different world & today we are still apart me & my 4 children my mom was suffering right along with me with her grandkids being gone. At the nursing home mom was eating pretty good then it got to where she was barely eating & couldn't get out of bed at all she didn't weight very much then she went on pain medicine & breathing treatments & oxgent & my brothers & sisters kept telling me to be prepared it won't be long well those words hurt me because all along the way I had be praying for her to get better & be able to walk again & do her therpy my sister stopped her therpy & on the sunday before we lost her she seemed to be doing better but the next day I had to be out of town & she wasn't talking at all that Monday when I got back to the Nursing Home her room was full of family members & it hurt me so much seeing her like that.
Right before we lost her she just starred straight out her eyes not moving at all & for the first time in almost 27 years since my dad has been gone I told her I loved her well you know what happened next she smiled so big like she heard me it made me feel so good telling her before it was too late why I could not tell her before I do not know all the other kids did but me. Then she took her last breathe & that was it. I have never experienced anything like that before in my life & it being my mother was even harder. It has not been 6 months yet until mothers day & the hurt I feel like it will always be there.
I loved her so very much & never told her until the end but I know she knew it all these years she just wanted to hear it from me I was the oldest daughter to. Now shes in heaven with my dad they are together & I know shes watching down over us kids. God is taking care of her & no more pain or suffering. I know she will be walking in heaven. I just was not ready to give her up I had so many things I wanted to say to her. One of my close friends said to me she just gave up she didn't like the shape she was in at all. She wanted to walk but she couldn't. She will always be in my heart forever. She will never be forgotten. Someday I will see her in heaven & what a great day that will be. God Bless each & everyone of you who have losed a loved one.
Debra & her kids.

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I'm so sorry stormygirl you lost your mother. I know the pain I lost mine almost 6 months ago & don't think I will ever get over her being gone.
I was not ready at all to give her up. This is one the hardest thing I have
had to do dealing with my mother being gone & my 4 children being taken from me almost 3 yrs. ago now that hurts alot but been trying real hard to get my 3 little ones back my oldest son is apart of Job Corps & doing very well. He was my first born & my mom thought he was it. I wished I knew what to tell you always keep your mother in your heart & never forget her & all the goodtimes yall shared/forget any bad times. Know that shes in a better place than us & shes no longer suffering & in pain. God is taking care of her.{removed} God Bless you & I'm here if you wanta talk. Debra & kids from Missouri

http://www.healthboards.com/boards/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=1367226#
Angel

StormyGirl,

I am missing my mom, too ~ I can't stop crying. I lost her almost one month ago, and she will always be the world to me. I had to reply to your message, as I was searching for something for comfort, and found this message board with your letter. It struck me, not only because you lost your mom, like I did, but I also have been diagnosed with polycythemia vera. I don't know that much about it, but what I do know scares me. I have children and someday I would like to be here for them and for their children in the future. I also lost my dad when I was a teenager ~ so feel very lost and alone. I feel for you and the pain you are experiencing because it is my own.

I don't want to leave my children alone because of polycythemia vera. I know it is a rare disease - and so far, I haven't found anyone who knows anything about it, much less heard about it. I was real surprised to see your post.

I wish your mom was here and I wish my mom was here, too. It is very hard, I know. They are here in Spirit, though. I know this. God Bless You!!!

My mother died 1/4/05 . I was 53 years old. It feels as though she just left me. The hurt inside continues to burn like fire. I want to talk to her see her, laugh with her , share my day with her. I want to hug her. I miss my mom so bad it hurts.

hi this is susan yall all know my story we were both in the hospital 2 floors apat i was in 2110 and she was in4001 i was in for broncitus from a camping trip and she was to have a blood trans. her hemo was low have it and go home. she was put in on monday morning i was put in on wensday. i called her told her were i was and she had an arithmea on tues. and told me she almost left this world. i told her not to doo that any more and i told her i would call her in the morning . i coulnt go see her because i was contages my doc, wouldnt let me see her. well i wake up thurs day morning and here the code blue go off x3 and all i coluld do is holler at the nurses station . what little voice i had i couldnt hardley talk. so i didnt get to say good by. my mom wasnt supossed to die. in one day out the next. no dying even remotely in the picture. iron was low get a trans. to bring up blood count. go home . thats it. no dying. my heart hurts like i cant explain. i just dont under stand why at 9'30a.m. on sept.28th my mom had to die. my friend i have met on here cap city has tried to tell me i just dont understand and being sick at the same time and i couldnt even go in a wheel chair up to her rm. dr.mike sewell my doc. said no and the nurses said no. i was one sick puppy. and mom had to rest. blood clot form ? didnt even enter our mind that it would happen wel it did and moved to her lung. just that quick. i miss my mom so bad i stop at the grave every sunday unless weather dosnt permit it after work . i never got to say good by. love you mom cant stop crying. susan kay:angel:

My mom passed away on 05/26/07. I expected her to come home and she died in front of me. They brought her back three times and I had them put her on life support. Once i saw her badly bruised body I made the decision that when her heart stopped again I would let her go. I sat by her bedside for 12 hours and I told her how greatful I was for bring me this far. She was 56 and I am 37. We have had a whole life together never apart. She was my best friend and my biggest fan. She had renal failure I took her to the hospital on the 14th and it snowballed from there. Cancer discovered and she was due to begin chemo the following week, and then while on the dialysis machine she coded. I knew in my heart she was gone, but I couldn't just let her go. I was her only child, and I have never met my biological father. I have such a whle in my heart and now I have been tested to see if I have cancer also, the test came back slightly elevated but no conclusion until further testing. I miss her so much the thought of joining her is half appealing. The other side is in spite of the loss of her, I have a great life. Filled with great memories, I have all the material things we are supposed to want out of this life. I never married and have no children, but hoestly not sitting here filled with regrets over either decision. I believe I would be a good mother, as I learned from the best. Whatever my fate I'm just numb. My cousin who attended her funeral last saturday, has now lost her husband and I'm here trying to be her support and comfort, but every now and then I slip off into ,my own darkness. I sightly cry for my mom any time I think of her. I'm so afraid I'll forget the little things about my mom. My mom, Betty M. Cooper, my love, my life, my heart...MOM. Has anyone had signs form there Mom after they passed on, just curious? I have seen to much of the medium.

My mom went from a blood clot too. I feel your pain, doesn't seem like that should happen in a hospital.

Hi RIPBMC,

So sorry about your Mom. I lost my Mom on 2/07, they actually placed her headstone today. My Mom was also my best friend. I miss her more and more every day. It seems to hit home more each day. is it like that for you? I still can not believe she is gone. My Mom was 64, I am 40. She had surgery fro lung cancer 1 year before she died. She was supposedly "cured". I'm not sure what happened to her, possibly a diabetic problem that made her initially crash, but we spent 8 days at the hospital with her as she was dying. It was up and down the entire 8 days, until the last day.....my brother and I were with her when she took her last breath. I have prayed every day since then for a sign from her or God that she is ok. She told me that a couple of months after her Dad died she had a dream (or not) and her Dad appeared and said nothing except "I'm ok"....I have Faith, and I know she is in heaven, but what a lovely vision and waht peace hat woud bring to me. Anyway, sorry again for your loss and I know exactly how you feel. Oh, by the way, I live in the High Desert, you are the closest one to me I've seen here so far :)

so sorry. my mum died five years ago. i was there at the end too. but you know being there for her at the end really helps. when my dad died i wasn't there, arriving just too late, it was awful and i can never forgive myself for it.
you really don't need to go to a medium to contact your mum, just look in the mirror and you will see her, especially as the years go by. and if you feel like it, when you are alone and know that you will not be disturbed, talk to her, just like you used to when she was alive. we never lose those we love, they are always with us. be strong. i know how bad it is, but everything passes.

I lost my mom on 5/30/07 to lung cancer. I miss her so bad it hurts! I am ok for awhile then it hits me like a ton of bricks that she won't be back. I left next door to her and my dad. So it is very hard to still have to go out there everyday. I try not to go in her room - but I do sometimes pick up her coat and it smells just like her!

For me it is the smell of her purse, that reminds me of her. I also found the lotion I put on her when she was in the hospital. So smelling that scent called moonlight path makes me remember her alive and well.

Hi Darlene;
I went to a medium and my Mom came through and said many things we spoke about when she was alive. It was great , but I left feeling empty and needing more. I wanted so much more. Hell I want my MOM. The thought that she will not come through my back door ever again is more than I can stand. My friend says i have to many pictures of her around the house, but it's all I can do. I do wonder when I can think of her, without have a breakdown.

For those of us who sit there for their last breathe, how do you get rid of the image? That image of her with all the tubes etc. seems so dominant in my thoughts. I was lucky to have had her for 37 years but right now it seems so much harder to remember the good times. I keep going back to the end instead of all the good stuff in the middle.

Hi, I am so sorry that you cannot get the image of your mom's death out of your head. I lost my mom 9 months ago and I held her while she was dying, it was one of the worst moments of my life but there is not a place I would have rather been in the entire world. I miss her so much too, she was my best friend. I hope that you can maybe see that you were with her for a reason and be thankful that you were there.......I am sure she wanted you with her.

I too lost my mom. She died at 8:25am on 8/29/2002 - two weeks after my 22nd birthday. She was my best friend also. She died of ovarian cancer - she was 43 years old. I remember everything: things she told me, the way she felt - she told me she wasn't scared, she just wasn't ready to die. The most helpless feeling in the world is seeing your lovedone, knowing their dying and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to take it away and make them better!! I remember the feeling (which I can not describe) of having to take her belongings out of the hospital cupboards while she lay lifeless in the bed.

I am still tormented by horrible dreams of her being sick, and dying, and pleading on the phone with me to get there. I can count on one hand the number of good dreams I have had (2-3) and they help. I miss her SOOO bad still, and I still cry for her like a child sometimes. I got married last October, and that was soo hard without her. Now, my husband and I are trying to start a family, and knowing she'll never see her grandchildren breaks my heart. Her mom died young also; 44 of breast cancer. And I can remember my mom talking about what a wonderful person she was and how I would have loved her, but it felt so distant to me because I didn't know her. That hurts me also, because as much as I loved my mom and knew how wonderful she was, my kids are going to feel the same way Idid when my mom talked about her mom.

PLEASE don't avoid the doctor though. If you know something runs in your family, be preventitive so that if, god forbid, something does happen, they can catch it early.

Stormygirl are you still here? I feel like your story and mine mirror each other. I wondered how you are doing these days.

I'm proud of you in spite of your tremendous loss, you still recognize the need to be proactive in your care. I pray you will break that chain of BC with the women in your family. God bless you.

i have recently lost my dad i am 13 i am also going through what you have went through but my dad was murdered by a homless guy over a bottle of brandy im trying hard to get through how did you do it?

ummm... yae my name jose. i just got on in the middle of the night and i read a couple of the things posted up here. i just wanted to tell people wat happen wit me. i was 15 when my mom started havin pain. she couldn't go to sleep at night. she went to mexico because we are not poor enough to get medicare but we don't have enough money for hospitals either. she was diagnosed wit cancer. she was a kindergarten teacher. we didn't get along alot but towards the end we used to laugh and dance and sing together. i am in a gang so i was usually locked up or in trouble in school. but she still loved me. she stayed in mexico for a year. when she came back she wasn't the same person. she left again because the pain returned. she died recently when i was 18 on december 7th. the same day me and my ex girlfriend turned 2 years and 11 months of being together. i broke up with her shortly after. she died the same week as finals so i had to fail my classes in order to go to mexico to her funeral. i still go to college and i am now in charge of a house and two cars. i used to be a slacker and now i have so much responsibility. its real hard for me. sometimes i can't take it. but i just push through watever gets in my way and keep on living my life and askin god for help. thats all any of us can do...

I lost my mom on 5/30/07 to lung cancer. I miss her so bad it hurts! I am ok for awhile then it hits me like a ton of bricks that she won't be back. I left next door to her and my dad. So it is very hard to still have to go out there everyday. I try not to go in her room - but I do sometimes pick up her coat and it smells just like her!

Seems like we lost are Mom's just a few days a part. I am coping but it is not easy for me. She was all I had. And nothing an no one can take her place. I'm really struggling to find my place in life without her love and guidance. I pray for you peace and mine.

ummm... yae my name jose. i just got on in the middle of the night and i read a couple of the things posted up here. i just wanted to tell people wat happen wit me. i was 15 when my mom started havin pain. she couldn't go to sleep at night. she went to mexico because we are not poor enough to get medicare but we don't have enough money for hospitals either. she was diagnosed wit cancer. she was a kindergarten teacher. we didn't get along alot but towards the end we used to laugh and dance and sing together. i am in a gang so i was usually locked up or in trouble in school. but she still loved me. she stayed in mexico for a year. when she came back she wasn't the same person. she left again because the pain returned. she died recently when i was 18 on december 7th. the same day me and my ex girlfriend turned 2 years and 11 months of being together. i broke up with her shortly after. she died the same week as finals so i had to fail my classes in order to go to mexico to her funeral. i still go to college and i am now in charge of a house and two cars. i used to be a slacker and now i have so much responsibility. its real hard for me. sometimes i can't take it. but i just push through watever gets in my way and keep on living my life and askin god for help. thats all any of us can do...

Hang in there Jose. Know your Mom's spirit will alwasy be with you. Losing your mother is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, so I know you will be fine. ANd they say the pain gets less as time goes on. I wouldn't know as it has been three months and it still hits me out of no where that she's gone. But in their honor we must keep moving forward.God bless.

i have recently lost my dad i am 13 i am also going through what you have went through but my dad was murdered by a homless guy over a bottle of brandy im trying hard to get through how did you do it?

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. All I can say is it takes time. I hope you will recognize you are your dad's legacy and so you must make the most of your life. Forgive that man, pray for peace and grow up to be the woman that you dad would and is proud of. God bless U. Just breathe.:angel:

I think it's safe to say, when the time comes, we all will miss our moms. I'm 28 and an only child, and I still cry like a baby when the mood strikes me.

After losing an ex-girlfriend (who left behind a one-year old baby girl) at the age of 21, in February 2004 to a brain tumour, my mother was diagnosed with a form of endometrial cancer that June.

The first thing that ran through my mind was that it was my fault. I was three months premature, and the doctors had no choice but to perform a C-section on her. The thing is, and it's kinda weird, she had a birth defect: two uteruses. I spent a long, long time blaming my birth for her impending death. She fought, and fought hard, going through a few relapses. I became humbled, and just did what I could to be around her, and to watch in awe as she faced this with such dignity. After nearly three years of ups and downs, losses of hope, and a sectional remission, we got the news in February of 2007 that the cancer had finally infected the lymph nodes. Easter sucked, and so did the entire moth after. Unable to care about work or myself, I just stayed at her side for two weeks, and somehow went back to work.

Work did not last, and after a week, things finally made the turn, and I took off for my mom's home. I spent the next excruciating and psychologically damaging week with her in paliative care at the hospital. I even got the doctors to stand up and take notice of her decaying condition. Then, on Sunday, April 29, at 10:50pm, Teresa, holding her "Sunshine's" hand, exhaled one last time, and let go of mine.

All of us that knew and loved her, we were incredibly grateful for the brief time we had.

Oh, large parts of me would kill, in some magical way, to obtain something again. Not that I would even know what I want, and what I can barely acknowledge as what I was, is so far from possible, it just reminds me how far I still have yet to travel to gain peace.

Some of that peace came in the summer of 2007, when my father was finally taken from his six year tenure of suffering from strokes, cranial infarcts, and the physiological breakdown from a prior alcohol addiction.

Kinda of a cursed prayer had been answered for me. No more torment in watching them suffer. But now they're gone, and I'm an orphan, and intrinsicly alone. I railed against it for over two years, horrified of this eventual outcome, knowing how much I depended on them both (even though my dad was pretty sick and immobile at this point).

In time, I hope to cry less and less when I feel the urge that I need them for comfort. I have so much helping me. Great Uncles and Aunts, grandparents, and a great girlfriend. Without any of that, I would be truly lost and hopeless.


********
It's been several months, and I need an outlet to share that with. Just the typing, I hope, frees me a little more.

Thanks for your patience,



Michael C

My mom died January 4, 2008 from lung cancer. We didn't always get along, but I loved her so much. I can't tell you how unbelievable it is that she's no longer here. Forever. It has a whole new meaning.

I miss my mom, too. I have chronic pain and she was the BEST listener, an amazing woman, and loved me unconditionally. She died on December 21, 2007. I miss her a lot tonight. -Sherri

So my mom passed away December of 1999, from breast cancer. I think about my mom every day and wake up several mornings, from dreaming about her, quite often. I'm hoping to find some strength in writing. I find myself crying about her still, this was my 9th mothers day without her this year.
I took care of my mom the last month of her life and before that, took to her all of her chemo treatments, I wouldn't change a thing, about what I look back on now, as quality time. She came to my house the day after Thanksgiving and passed away right before Christmas. I lost my dad 5 1/2 years before that, to a brain tumor. I have three sisters, but only talk to one of them, since there are some pretty intense feelings, between us (called a wicked step mother). At the tender age of 28, I was basically an orphan. All my grandparents have passed away too. Sometimes I feel so lost. I have no kids of my own and most likely won't have any, as I'm almost 37 years old. I guess I'm curious from others, what they do with their grief? What do you do, several years after the fact? Now when I date someone, I find that one of my first questions is about their family and how close they are to them. I have this deep desire for a family and someone to spend the holidays with. Sure, I spend the holidays with my best friend and their families and see my one sister, that I do still keep in touch with, but nothing compares to something that is your own. If someone would have told me 15 years ago, this is how my life was going to be, I never would have believed them.

I lost my mom last month (May, 2008). We were SO close and she meant EVERYTHING to me. But, all of my relationships seem to be falling apart now. My sister and I aren't speaking because mom & I were closer than they were (long story, too), I told my common-law husband's mother off (she has always been so mean to me - as if no one would ever be good enough for her son - which my mom always helped me through), I cry daily, had to be Power of Attorney for mom (and she had absolutely nothing prepared - or life insurance, for that matter, because we didn't think she was going to die) and now I have all of her stuff in my basement until I can figure out what to do with it.

I'm so sad!!! I miss her so much - especially our daily talks. She was my best friend. I have been raised religious (non-practising now, however) but question if God exists. She said she would always be there for me - but I don't believe it anymore. When you're dead, you're dead. She is no “breeze in the wind or sunshine on my face” like some people say. I want HER – not some “breeze”!

Also, I watched her die with my common-law husband. It was awful!!!!!!!!!
Then I, too, had to clean out her hospital closet and take care of ALL of her affairs. I’m so lost without her. Does anyone relate? I need help!

What am I going to do? I'm losing it...

I can relate to you you ILOVEDMOSOMUCH. On May 5th 2008 I lost my mom to Brain Cancer. I was with her every step of the way from when she first was diagnosed with her disease. In October of 2007 I moved back home to help her and to be with her.
I am a 34 year man, and an only child. Yes I will admit I am a mama's boy. I would not have normally admitted that but now I am proud of it. My mom was was not only my mom she was my father, and best friend.

There is not a second that goes by that I do not miss her. I go through my day still talking to her. I feel completely lost. My wife cannot understand although she tries too, but not coming from an only child and fatherless family I think it is hard for her to relate. I find myself feeling all alone and that person that told me that they would never leave me is gone. My best friend has left me. She was the support that I could always guarantee on. No matter what life threw at me or how bad I messed up she was always on my side.
I have talked with people and they tell me it gets easier as time goes on, but what is there that gets easier? The pain? The Grief? Yeah probably.. But one thing is for sure is I will never see her again. hug her, talk to her, cry with her, listen to a story from her, call her when I'm down, call her when I'm up, Let that 1 person that can make you feel more proud of yourself for something you have done than you can for self.
The pain I can deal with... It's everything else that I am having trouble putting in to prospective.
I know that right now when the pain I'm feeling is worse than ever the 1 person that could help is gone.

It comes down to just one thing thing!

I miss my mom.....

I am so sorry for everyone who has lost their mom's who has posted here. Thank you for sharing your stories. It helps me to read how each of you feel and what you have gone and are going through. I hope it helps each of you to post here.

My heart especially goes out to you, Nikki. You are so, so young to lose your dad. I hope that you have supportive people in your life. I hope you will cultivate supportive relationships from caring and responsible adults who can give you the guidance, strength, and love that you need, and who will allow you to share your grief when you need to. I also know that the hardest time to do this is when one is in grief, a double bind, leaving a person to be their own comforter much of the time, which is so hard. But as a child, you still need caring adult guidance and support. Your father's death is not only a huge loss, but an especially angering one, and you have a right to feel however you feel; and no one has the right to deny those feelings. I hope you will post here again soon, and tell us how you are feeling and what you are going through.

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I am 46 years old, and lost my dear, beloved mother January 22, 1984. She was only 63, and I was 21. It has been 24 years, and I still miss her terribly and am filled with grief over the loss of her. I still cry almost every day. The hole in my heart is huge and gaping. I so wish I could hold my mother, stroke her hair, place my cheek against hers, feel the softness of her skin, and tell her everything is going to be ok, and comfort her in her fear of dying, and make everything better for her. I wish I could be with her in her beloved Paris, walking the streets together, seeing where she lived when she worked for the American Embassy there, showing me her old haunts, as we had always wanted to do. I wish I could hold her hand again as we walked the dogs and talked about friends, family, about her past. I wish she were still here so I could encourage her to get out on her own, to save up money and get away from my father, who was breaking her heart and making her afraid to live, and wanting to die, and low and behold, she swiftly developed lung cancer.

The hardest part for me in grieving is not only in losing her, but in trying to find people with whom I can share my feelings about losing her. I hate people giving me grief advice. Or any advice. I don't want advice, of any kind, shape, form, or nuance. I just want people, anyone, who will listen to me. I want people to begin with the assumption that, as grief listener, their role isn't to advise or educate me: it's that I want to "educate" them, about what I'm feeling, the agony I'm going through. The fear I'm going through. The confusion I'm going through. Without advising me, whatsoever. I don't want people to tell me what worked for them. I just want to be heard, regarding what's going on with me. I'm happy to play the role of listener for their problems. But when it is my turn, I just want to be heard, without advice. Advice-free. If, right now as you read this, you're tempted to give me advice about how to get people to do this, don't! ZERO advice. (Unfortunately, no one seems able to respect that.)

I think people give advice as a way of coping with their own discomfort of hearing someone's pain, anger, fears, loneliness, frustration, and the feelings hearing such feelings in another *triggers in them*. I just want to be listened to, with the listeners keeping their mouths shut, or simply saying, "I'm sorry", and allowing themselves to feel whatever it is they feel while they are listening, either about my situation, or their own. I feel that this is why I have never been able to recover from the severity of my grief. I know now that I will always be filled with heartache for my mother, how could I not be? But I wish I could turn the corner on it, so it isn't holding me down all the time. I feel like every effort to move forward is undercut by this heartache that is holding me back, that makes me just want to curl up in a ball and cry and scream. I just want to be able to share what I'm feeling and know that for the person listening, it has been allowed to sink in, the meaning of what I'm saying, and to just accept how I'm feeling and not try to change it.

I think Elizabeth Kubler Ross' message has really been counterproductive. Ever since she wrote that basically we can "get over" our grief, it seems that's what everyone expects us to do now, instead of allowing us to feel how we feel, which is really the only way that anyone's grief can begin to diminish--once those feelings have been truly accepted *by our listeners*, just as our feelings are, giving us the space to unconditionally feel however we do, for as long as we do, not with advice, but simply compassion.