Hi there :wave:! I recently started going out with this bloke, and he’s really lovely and kind to me. But because I feel so insecure, it’s triggered my eating to go into extremes. It's like I feel I need to be really skinny for him, but I can't seem to do it. I try so hard to not eat much, but then I mess it all up and start binging, and I have to starve to make up for it (I can’t throw up!). I feel I’ve completely lost control of my life, and I don’t know how to sort it out. Christmas is coming and it’s so hard to deal with this food obsession at this time! I always binge at weekends and it makes me feel so depressed :(! Sorry to have taken up your time... Thanks for reading…

Hey there. Just letting you know that there are a few of us here who understand what you're going through. I have sort of the same problem with my boyfriend. I see him on the weekends and I start bingeing, but then I restrict all week to make up for it. For us it's a little different, though. I was with him before the ED started and I lost a lot of weight. But anyways, I just wanted to let you know I understand and we're here to listen when you need to vent.

Hey thanks anterrabae ;)! It’s good to know you understand where I’m coming from. I only see my boyfriend for a weekend every three weeks. So I eat very little when I’m at home, but then when I see him I try to eat normally. I do fine during the weekend while I’m with him, but it’s like it lets the flood gates open, and once I get back home I start to binge. I then have to restrict again to make up for it! I wish I could just eat normally and healthily without being so obsessed about food! Does your boyfriend know about your ED?

I can relate as well, it's so crazy what I can talk myself into. My husband is off on a business trip this week and I thought how great it would be if I could lose 5 pounds before he got back. (Like he cares or would even notice!) So I went to the store and bought $60 worth of junk foods and have been binging and purging all week.

I have been reading up in the last few days and I'm beginning to believe that all this starving then binging has destroyed my metabolism. I found a little blog on how to boost your metabolism in 12 ways and I'm giving it a start, beginning today. I usually eat light throughout the day and have a huge dinner that I mostly purge. Starting today, I'm trying so hard to eat a little bit of good food all through the day. I've also gone on a 30 minute walk/run today. The article says to move and to eat. I figure, I've given the bulemia 16 years to work and I'm 30 pounds heavier than where I started. What do I have to loose by actually trying this "eating" thing?

Gosh you guys, I can sooo relate. And it feels good to have you guys to talk to. Its the only thing I think about all day. Sometimes I feel like its ruining my relationships with ppl. Like I never go out for dinner with friends anymore, to avoid eating. And when I do eat I cry for hours out of guilt. I used to purge but its really hard to do that when my house is so small and everyone can hear, or someone follows me to the bathroom. And it doesn't help that my boyfriend is really strong and built, but I'm lucky enough that he has a job that keeps him so busy we never really go for dinner. I don't like feeling like this either. To make matters worse for me, I have a dr's appt on the 28th where I'll be getting weighed!! If I'm forced to eat on Christmas I'm gonna be so terrified to get on that scale. Someone please pray for me! I have to avoid food at all costs!! And triple up on the water. And thats another issue.. all the water I drink makes me sooo cold!!
Thanks for listening :(

Yeah, my boyfriend does know that I'm having trouble, but I don't think he really understands the extent of it when he's not there to witness it. I eat fairly normally when he's around, but for the rest of the week I eat very little. And by the end of the week I'm exhausted and cold and barely have enough energy to walk up and down stairs. So he doesn't see that and I don't want him to. It's so hard. He came over tonight and we had dinner together and I ate too much again. I'm going to fast tomorrow. I don't care that I'm supposed to be getting better. Right now I just don't want to.

Hi there! I’ve just had a terrible binge, I feel so awful about it, I feel so fat and I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up! I hate food!!!! I don’t ever want to eat again, ever! Why can’t I break this cycle, it has taken complete control over me and is sadistically tearing me to pieces! I’m only going to get to see the counsellor after Christmas, and I don’t know how I can get through Christmas on my own, I can’t cope anymore! This is just wrecking my life, wrecking my friendships and relationships with people. CapricornLove, good luck for your appointment with the doc, I hope you hold together and stay strong, you can do it, I believe in you! I will pray for you, and that you can soon find a way to beat this terrible disorder. Hey Shana, it sounds like you’re doing really well and going the right way forward, I hope you keep it going and please don’t give up. Let us know how you do, and if you have any advice! Hi Anterrabae! I’m sorry you sound like you’re having such a hard time! I know what you mean about your boyfriend not understanding the full extend. I told a friend about my ED, and she said she thought it must just be work stress, and she sent me some chocolates for Christmas! I sent them to someone else, but then had a binge, I’m so useless! I manage to be strong for a bit, and then I mess it all up :(! Do you fast in order to get slim for your boyfriend?

No, I fast to get slim for me. He's told me a few times he doesn't want me to lose any more weight. I don't know what it is. All I know is that I'm sick of seeing the same number on the scale and I need it to drop.

Thanks for the good wishes Cat. We've all been there and we all know what you are going through. It's so incredibly hard not to binge during the Holidays.

Cat, I totally know what you are going through! I have been struggling with a bad case of out of control eating since September. Every waking minute of my life is consumed with thoughts about food! Sometimes I wish I didn't have to eat--It's like I'm in an unending nightmare! I have been diagnosed with BED... wow... that's hard to say... I'm currently seeing a counselor and trying to work on behavioral stuff, but it's just not that easy. I always seem to forget what to do, especially when I go into "the trance". Do any of you go into a trance--where you suppress the reality of the situation? Sometimes i wonder if I said out loud during my binge, "Hey you're eating a dozen cookies here!" that maybe I'd stop. But I can never seem to bring that thought to my head--kind of scary! So to give you all a quick background on my struggles (which may parallel other's), I am... get ready for this... a perfectionist when it comes to eating. Either I eat right (good nutritious foods) or I binge--and when I binge, I binge. In the past 3 months my emotions have turned from happy to helplessness. I avoid social situations, so others can't see the 25 pounds I've gained in 3 months, and like you Cat, I just want to get out of this nightmare! I just wanted you all to know that reading what you had to write brought comfort to my life, which has been unbelievably uncomforable for the last couple months. Thank you for sharing, and I hope we can help and support each other throughout the ever so sweet-filled holiday season.

P.S. Capricorn Love, when you are at the doctor, you can pass on the weigh in. I've done that now 3 times, as it only adds more anxiety to the plate. They won't force you.

The support here is tremendous! It just feels wonderful when you can relate to someone.
Cat, Thanks for the prayers. I need them.. BIG TIME!! This appt has my head spinning, I'm forgetting everything! All I can think of is my ED. Almost hating Christmas cause of the food! Forgetting that the real meaning of Christmas isn't about food at all. Why does this take total control of me? :confused:

Twenty, I wish I could skip the weighing in.. but I jump on scales all the time, to see.. is there any change? Or I guess I'll for sure weigh myself there cause it was my goal to lose more weight and it'll show the difference in #'s from last year, so I'll feel a little better about myself.

Its an obsession, that defeats me. Prayers please!!
I'll keep you all in my prayers :angel:

Hey guys, thanks for your support ;). I feel a bit better today as I haven’t binged in three days. It makes me feel more ‘in control’ of my life, but I know really it is just an illusion; for soon I will start to feel too weak and will need to consider eating again and then I won’t be able to stop and the cycle will continue! I am feeling hopeful this time that I can do it though! After all it is a learning curve and I slip but as long as I pick myself back up and keep trying then one day I will succeed to break out of this cycle, I know I will! I know you guys will too, and your support means the world to me!! I am going home tomorrow for a week Christmas break. My parents don’t know about my ED, and I don’t know how I will manage to hide it from them :confused:; but knowing that you guys understand what it’s like and I can go online anytime and get support here is so much comfort to me; so thanks! Hey twenty, I’m thinking of you, and I hope you can break out of this cycle too. I am like you a perfectionist, and can very much relate to what you’re going through. This weekend I forced myself to go out with friends, despite really not wanting too! It meant I had to put on a brave face and be cheerful, rather than sinking into depression at home. It really helped the way I feel, and gave me courage . I hope you can find distractions from food that can also help you feel more free from this obsession we have. Let me know how you are... CapricornLove, I know you can defeat this obsession, you are a strong person and you can do it! The fact that we are all here, sharing about our experiences, shows that we have in us the desire to fight this, and I know that each day we are getting close to recovery, even when it feels we step back, we are learning from every experience and will become stronger and defeat this! You are all in my prayers, especially at this time. You are right, Christmas is not about food, and I pray we can all focus on what it really means, despite everyone else and what they choose to focus on.
All my love :wave:

Hey Cat, Thanks for all the prayers and support. Deep down inside I know that I wish I could defeat this, but I fear its all just words. I know I won't stop. I love helping others feel strong about themselves, and try to help other ppl recover. But when it comes down to it, I feel like a hyppocrit cause I know I won't give this up. Its kinda like a marriage, and when I eat I feel like I'm cheating on Ana. :nono: Might sound crazy, but thats my lifestyle and its hard to change. I know I won't go get help either. Its very hard to hide this from friends and family. Its even hard to write on here, cause family and friends get on my computer too. So, hiding it from your parents is gonna be a little hard. My parents are starting to pick up on things and I tell them that I'm just nervous about getting weighed at my appointment coming up. They say I'm fine, after this appt were gonna make sure you eat alot. :eek: I'm terrified. Everyday is a battle. Once my body gets used to not eating, and I eat a meal again.... I get sooo sick in the stomach. So why would I even try to eat, when my stomach is used to nothing. Whats it gonna take for me to realize I need some help? Well, I'll continue with prayers and you know anytime you feel like venting, we'll be here to listen. :)