I feel like I have two people inside my head. One of them has been missing a lot lately. And that's the good one. The bad one is my disease that makes me binge and purge until my neck is so swollen I can barely turn it and my face looks like the state puff marshmallow man... I am so sick of this! Everyone HAS to eat! I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't have this obbsession with every meal and every piece of anything I put in my mouth. My parents keep saying I just need to hit bottom and then maybe I will want to get better but I don't know... I think about dying a lot. Because then I wouldn't have this constant pain and emptyness that I seem to only be able to fill with food upon food upon food... I am the throw up queen. In the toilet, in the woods, in the bathtub, in tupperware.... I feel like I need to be constantly monitored. I feel like I CAN'T do this alone!!! And I know I can't. I have been bulemic since I was 14. I am now 24. I see my therapist twice a week. I go to meetings. I feel like some of the people hate me there because I am unable to keep my commitments... My dark hole is swallowing me and I don't know if I will be able to escape in time. Thanks for listening....

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time lately. Where do you think the feelings of pain and emptyness are coming from?

Jenn

It is so bad at times, I know. I found it gets 10 times worse when I'm really trying to work on it. The only thing that has really gotten me through those times was to really educate myself about nutrition. I got some pretty crazy ideas in my head and re-reading over and over about how starving slows down the metabolism and makes me gain weight easier helps me fight a little harder. I've gotten past the multiple per day binges. I let myself have one per day. I don't really think this is a great strategy as I've not been feeling really bad effects from the once a day purge. So, I've kept the bulimia up for years. I sometimes wonder if I just kept up with the 10 times a day until I hit bottom, if I would have had to really deal with this instead of find a way to cope with it.

My most successful strategy has been to make a list of foods that I feel are safe foods. They have to be safe in that I won't feel too much guilt eating it and I can't like it so much that I will binge on huge amounts of it. My favorite is 100% whole wheat bread. I can sit and eat a loaf of white bread no problem, but wheat bread isn't as binge satisfactory. There have been times when I've piled on the butter or honey and eaten most the loaf of whole wheat, but for the most part, I have no desire to devour the whole thing. I don't love fruits and veggies so they are safe. Also, fat free yogurt and cottage cheese are good but not too good. I also have finally decided meat is safe, but it is dangerously close to too good.

I try my hardest to keep the crap that I know I will binge on out of my cupboards. Cookies, candy, ice cream, pizza, ravioli, chips, etc... I sometimes feel a binge raging but there isn't anything binge worthy, so I end up having some soup or a sandwich and it passes. Of course, there are the days that I just say F-it and head for Taco Bell and McDonalds.

My next step is to eat more food during the day and see if I can cut down my huge binge dinners. I don't know though, this is very hard for me.

I used to have 'safe" foods.. some days some of those foods are still safe, but most days, ANY food is binge worthy...
My pain comes from many different sources.... mainly just not feeling 'good enough'... not thin enough for anyone to love me.. I am not overweight. I just missed out on a lot of love from my parents growing up... NOW I have it.. but I already have my habits and patterns and tapes that I play like broken records... 'your not thing enough'.. 'no one will love you with those love handles'... 'you will never be successful with puffy cheeks'.. 'no one hires and actress with a tummy'... and on and on.... AND my EX boyfriend udidn't help ANY... he would tell me I didn't need to eat because I was getting chunky. He would monitor my feed and try to get in the way of me and the bathroom. He would yell at me and make me feel like such ****. I didn't feel pretty with him. I didn't feel strong. I didn't feel smart or any of the things that when I am SANE, I know I am. I am sane right now. But the insanity of bulemia will return, of this I have no doubt... I wish I could take a pill that would make it all just GO AWAY.... sleeping is nice. I can eat in my dreams and never gain a pund and still feel satisfied when I wake up... strange how that works.
So I have been a single woman since July and I am getting better about my self image with every passing day and this is a GREAT! thing. I try not to binge more than once a day.... Every now and again I have a period of a couple of days where I am abstinent and those days are so full of clarity! It amazes me... and then I get a crazy thought, like I am ok, I have had a few good days, I deserve a binge.... and then I am right back where I was.... I hate being alone because when I am, I am my WORST enemy and friend. I NEED A SPONSOR!!!!!

Lizzie- Try the binge check thread. I think we can all help each other. I dont purge but i binge and checking in helps to remind me-- it doesnt make things better Binging sucks and makes things so much worse.