I grew up in a very good home. My family had money so I was dressed in the nicest clothes and was taught to be a very well mannered child. I attended church on sunday mornings and afternoons, as well as wednesday evenings. I went on mission trips to very poor parts of mexico to spread the word of Christ and to offer our help to anyone in need. So how I've ended up where I am right now. I'm not exactly sure. My real father, who did have a big part in raising me, doesnt have much to do with me now. He's getting married in February and his new woman wants me to play the guitar and sing at the reception. I'm not sure if I will do that or not. My dad doesn't care about me. He has never given any money to my mom or to me to help with things after my parents split up, and I dont ask for money for anything, but my mom had to always buy all of my school clothes and things like that without help from him. . . he's told me so many times that I'm worthless, and I'll always be nothing, one time i see him he's telling me I'm too fat, although I'd be like 120 pounds, around normal weight for a 5 foot 6 inch tall girl. And then when I'd lose weight he'd still find a reason I wasn't good enough. But I really don't care about his money, what he did or didnt do for me....I just want his love. but as always I'm not good enough for anyone's love. . . not even my own......A big turning point in my life was around my freshman year in high school....I got into drugs when I was in about 8th grade, thats when I really got into them, I had messed around with things before then, but 8th grade was when i lost control. and 9th grade I had a guy. . . he was my best friend. he wasnt a boyfriend, and I didnt look at him like that in any way. I mean he was a very cute guy, but he was still just my friend, he would stay at my house. I had two beds in my room, one for me, and the other was for my step brothers when they would come to stay with their dad for their weekend with him, but my guy friend would also sleep in that bed when he'd stay at the house. One nite we were getting drunk. I was so trashed I couldnt do anything. I remember sitting on the couch downstairs watching Blade and the next thing I can remember is that I'm laying in my bed staring at the ceiling crying, with Martina Mcbride playing on the TV singing with a broken wing.....and this guy, who is supposed to be my best friend is...on top of me....and id try to scream and i couldnt his hand was there....and id try to move and i was too drunk to move my arms felt like they were a million pounds each....I dont know...that nite changed my life forever.....it changed my outlook on everything and every guy......I dont trust anyone....I got so heavy into drinking and drugs after that.. . my whole life fell apart.....and now while I've got out of a lot of the drugs....I wouldnt drink again if you paid me ten million dollars, because I watched my best friend drive away and never come back because he was drunk and stole my friends car and took off and we couldnt stop him, and he died....hit a tree....but everything in my life is so out of control.....man in the past two years ive lost my best friend in the whole world, a friend ive had since i was 5 (overdose), another good friend (heartattack), and another wonderful friend, whom I am so proud of, yet miss so very much, who gave his life fighting for our country in Iraq....but everything is so out of control but with my body and my food and my weight it is in my control. . . its my choice and i can change it to be any way that i want it. . .. .. .I dont know, I guess im just rambling. . . I just needed to get some things out that ive talked about before at times very briefly with someone, and others that ive never spoken of.....i just have no one...

Hi there
Wow, that's some heavy duty stuff! You've lost so many people and had so much hardship that it's understandable why you have to have control over the food. It's good that you could get it out though. Sometimes that helps. We all know that an ED is usually about having control over something when we feel we have no control over things. I think that in all that you wrote you described a lot of the reasons why you have an ED. Do you have a therapist? I know you have lost a lot of people that were supportive. Maybe a therapist might be able to help you feel more connected somewhere. If you work on the issues that you touched on in the post you could really be on your way to figuring out how to let go of the ED. Just a thought. I also know it's hard to let go of. No matter how tortured we feel by it we can't let it go either. I don't know if you feel that way but I know I struggle with that. I really think it's great that you could share all that. It's a lot of stuff and really overwhelming. You can always remember that we are here for you even if you feel you have nobody. We are always around and know what you are going through in some way. All our stories are different but also the same. Keep posting and take care of yourself.

Lauren

I went through something like that. Ill tell all in the story im writing on here. I know that is hard. especailly being that you were drunk, alot of people turn you away and think that its your fault. I felt the same thing though with the heavy arms and not being able to scream. They found Oxy contin in my system that I had not taken that night or ever. I knew what being drunk felt like, and there was no way I was just drunk. I took it to court and everything had him arrested for a year, but unfortunatly the big city that I live in (phila******a ) and how screwed up our system is. I lost the case. I got by on my own though. I tryed many diffeterent things that could help me like I would buy myself alot of stuff that I wouldnt buy myself before. The thing that worked for me the most was to help other people. The homeless. Buy them a coffee or a breakfast sandwich. Stop and talk to them, because they are people too. Could you emagine whats going through there minds. I love to help the homeless people around near my work ( i work in the city, city ) lol. It makes me feel good. One time I think I even saed this womans life. Her name was Margaret. she was very old and had a skin disease on her leg. I dont know what made me stop and talk to her, but I did. Finially I wanted to just end the convo, so I just said God is with you, hes watching. She nearly jumped to the sky and said " YOU it's you, your the reason. Im going to make it, because you walked down this street today Im gonna make it." I cryed I wanted to call a shelter for her or something, but on my way back I was thinking I shouldnt do that because of how women get treated in shelter like that. I had this warm feelings of knowing I did enough for her. If I were you start going back to your old ways of helping people. It makes you alot stronger. Goodluck

Erin