I'm feeling so frustrated with myself. I have spent 3 weeks in the hospital. Been out for almost two weeks and in a day treatment program. The focus of my life for the past 5 weeks has been around my depression and my "recovery" from my ED. Well I continue to struggle with the ED. I have been home and dealing with my meals and what not on my own. But I can't stop and I feel unable to let go of my ED yet. I'm just so angry at myself. I was in the freaking hospital for 3 weeks! My insurance only covered 80% so I was paying $300 per day. I now have a sizeable debt of around $6300 or more. And what do I have to show for it?? My stupid self won't let it go! Why?!?!?!. I've got horrible urges to restrict and I still try and play around with it. I get on the scale, I go for a 45 minute walk with my dog with the thought of calorie burning in the back of my head. I try and figure out how I can skip meals when my partner isn't home. I feel so evil, so deceitful. I just can't seem to feel motivated to get better and let it go. There is a bigger part of me that doesn't feel able to get better yet. I try to look at all the things I have and instill the fear in me of losing all that I have and all I've worked for. It doesn't work. It doesn't motivate me. Maybe I'm trying to hard?! I just don't know anymore! I could care less at this point if I get better and that makes me angry at myself.
I've been out of work for 5 weeks now and all I want to do is run back to the hospital for them to "fix it". Even though I know that ultimately it is up to me to change. I'm just so scared of losing my job. I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure and sabatoging all that I did learn. I'm just so angry at myself! Why can't I stop?? Has anyone ever felt this way?! Cause I could use some words of wisdom or support. I'm at the point where I don't want to talk about it to any of my supports because I'm feeling so deceitful and evil.
Well I'm rambling...I'm done. Thanks for reading.

Lauren

I can not help you, But I can give you all the support in the world. Im bulimic, and I just dont know the word stop. I hate it too. I mean alls I think is how. I even have a dentist appointment to get ANOTHER cavity fixed. about 8-9 in my mouth. I once had perfect teeth. I once had no bloody sores in my stomache that made me sick, But now I have all of that. I think I should have been ready along time ago. I really believe if you Pray to God and really mean it. He will help you. I promise he will, beause he has helped me with alot of stuff before. I just havent yet prayed to him about this problem, and actually really ment it. In my opinion a hospital is'nt such a good place. It just sends off vibes saying " look at me I have an ED " I think your best bet is to stay around the people you love, and ask them for their deepest help. You can overcome this. Ive never not eaten. Im the other one. Both are so hard to over come, but I believe in you. YOU CAN MAKE IT. without paying $300 a day for it lol. wow that just seems like an auwful lot. Dont you hate it how medical doesnt cover these kinds of things. They honestly dont understand, but atleast you have all of us who care and understand. Goodluck.

Hey there....
It sounds like you really do want to get better...so keep that in mind, and DON'T forget it!!! I consider myself stable w/my ED for 3 years now...but I DO struggle. I just keep my goals in mind, and think about who I would be hurting, besides MYSELF if I were to relapse.
Also, I remember what it was like getting out of the hospital-I was glad to be home after 1 month 1 week and 1 day...but it was also really scary to be out, and at times I even missed it. Nobody can fix this but YOU...be strong!!
Much luck to you!!!

Jenn