Hello all. As I sit here reading and relating to so many of you, I think to myself... "OK, you're not completely alone...." I don't know where to start or even how to begin. I wish we didn't have to eat food to stay alive. People speak of enjoying food and the happiness it brings. They speak of how delicious things are and how they crave certain foods. I do not relate. I hate food. It makes me feel sick...guilty and so incredibly fat. I don't eat most foods and the foods I eat, I can't help but throw them up. I have hidden my secret from my family and friends for years. (I am 26) The very first thought in my mind when I wake up is, "I'm fat." The next thought it, "I don't want to get dressed b/c I'll look fat..." followed by, "I am hungry, but don't want to eat, b/c I don't have the strength to throw up right now. I watch people eat and think to myself, "How can you eat?" "You shouldn't eat that..." or just, "I wonder if they throw up too?" This cycle is killing me. (literally) My stomache always hurts, I have intestinal problems (went to a gastroenterologist but "forgot" to mention my little secret) and I just don't feel right. Does anyone know the feeling of looking in the mirror and wanting to watch yourself disappear? Dying sounds more pleasant than eating. Does anyone else hate getting dressed b/c of the fear of looking fat? Does anyone else hate themselves so much their lives are run by the thoughts their weight?? I want to stop, but can not...I can not help how I think and feel. Sometimes I drink something rather than eat it b/c I don't want to feel fat. I am scared this cycle will never end and I am scared my family will judge me. I live on my own and other than me telling them, there is no way of them finding out. How can I be normal and live a normal life. I want to once sit down and eat something not critisizing myself or keep thinking, "When I'm done, I have to go to the bathroom..." How do we break the cycle that slowly kills us from the inside out??

I really wish I knew how to break this cycle as well. I agree with everything you said. I'm especially dreading the holidays... *sigh*.. but I want to get better... Anyways. Yep.
~Mel

blueyes678,

Sounds like today is a rough go so far. Thanks for venting with us... Sometimes it just helps to get out in words what is running through your minds. We all share in your nightmare, some of us in different ways, but the commonality among us all is that food is our enemy. I just want to wake up from my nightmare! I wake up every morning and dread the day ahead. Somedays I can't even get out of bed because I don't want to get dressed and find out that another pair of jeans don't fit me... I recognize that for a long time I am going to issues with food, but I have this hope in me that someday I will not worry anymore... someday.... Hang in there!

I know how you feel about getting dressed. I put this shirt on this morning and looked in the mirror and somehow this "roll" appeared...yuck...disgusting. I just wanted to cry. Of course I ended up wearing something really big and baggy so I can hide everything. The things that we put ourselves through. I'm also dreading the holiday. Everyone else will be able to enjoy their meal and I'll be sitting there looking disgusted at the amount of food on the table. Wonder if I can skip out on dinner...will anyone notice? I know my sister will and she's the only one that'll be there that knows I have an ed. This is just too frustrating. :nono:

Another day and more thoughts of "end my misery" enter my head. I have to go shopping to wear something for a surprise b-day party, but can't. I won't. I don't even want to go. I don't want to try on dozens of outfits only to get disgusted with the reflection looking back....I don't want to pretend to be full anymore. I don't want to worry about if I get up to go to the bathroom people are judging my appearance and how fat I look. I don't want to do this anymore. I just had grilled chicken for lunch and am fighting with myself right now not to go throw up. I am alone so no one would even know. I wouldn't feel so full. I thought of signing on here to write and maybe the thoughts would go away...but they are only getting worse. I am bleeding again from the inside and don't want to go to the doctor....that means more tests...and I won't do it anymore...I can't tell them of me ED. My family would be so ashamed. My b/f would get angry....
I guess venting to you all behind a screen name is better than exposing the real me....

Blueyes678,

With all the isolation and lonliness you may feel as you battle this ED, just know you are not alone. To tell those close to you of your problem is an extremely hard thing to do, but never think that your family would be ashamed of you. For all of us, we can feel bad for ourselves, we can get sad and be mad, but NO ONE SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED! We can get frustrated when we fail, but as much as we think we can control this, we need to accept the fact that we can't... That is why sometimes we just need support. For some of us, that means getting professional help, for others just sharing our frustrations on this board is help enough. We are all different in our struggles, but similar in our compassions in wishing no one else had to go through the nightmare. Blueyes678, I will be honest in telling you that I am scared about the bleeding and I would encourage you to see a doctor. You can still maintain your privacy...bleeding is serious.

Twentysomething,
Thank you for your kind words....the bleeding comes and goes. I can not say anything to anyone b/c they will know and I don't want that. I can't. I am so grateful of you taking the time to write. Perhaps one day this ED shall no longer run my life....perhaps....

Blueyes,

As much as hoplesness consumes us as we battle this crap, we gotta hope that someday we will be able to find peace with food! Always here to listen!