It's really hard to believe it's been over a year since my father died. I remember before he died, I wrote a journal entry saying that if anything happened to him I would just jump off a bridge. I'm still here.

His death was unexpected to me. I knew that he had high blood pressure and such. His heart wasn't in the greatest condition. But he was able to work; climb latters, paint, and do a lot more physical work. I never really knew how much stress he was in. He held the weight of the world on his shoulders.

I'll never forget the day he died. I was going to school, as I did everyday, and when I got there, people were leaving the building. They said school was cancelled because the power went out. Nothing like that ever happened, so I was pretty excited. I went home with a friend of mine and we decided to just watch TV. I heard someone come in the back door. It was him, and he usually didn't come home at that time of the day, and apparently neither did I. He was holding his chest and said that he wasn't feeling too good. I didn't really take it too seriously. Because the day before he said he was a little sick. But then he went into the basement and was there for quite sometime. I decided to check on him. He was on a chair, leaning over a bit, and reached in his pocket. He handed me all of his money and told me to give it to my mother to pay the rest of the bills for that month. I started to literally freak out. I called my mother and she said she would be right home. I thought she was calling an ambulance, but when she came home I found out that she hadn't. So, I did. We brought him up to the living room, he sat down, and I just remember putting my arm around him, not letting him forget that I loved him. He told me he loved me too. As soon as the parimedics came into the door, he couldn't hold on anymore and went straight down into a seizure. Right then I knew he was gone.

I've come to this board to basically get feedback on my mental staus today. I want to see if anyone has reacted the way I did/do.

Let me explain more about my situation(s), though. On top of his death, my mother decided to start "seeing" someone about a week or two after his death. And she continues to put men before me and my sister. She has never asked us how we felt, or how we are doing. She basically uses all of the social security money on expensive outtings, and clothes for herself. But she swears up and down it's for bills. I do know they pay for <b>some</b> bills, but not all of them. And when I ask for money, the reaction usually is "Well, don't you get paid?" Me and my sister loved my father, she loved his money. I guess I can't expect much from her.

I also had a lot of issues with trusting people and seeing who my true friends were after his death. My relationship with my boyfriend didn't help me. He didn't fully understand what I was going through. I didn't really expect him to because he never went through it. But I did expect him to be patient and loving. I lost my best friend; my father. <b>"Don't throw your fathers death in my face." </b>Needless to say I'm not with him anymore. But the fact that someone who apparently loved me said that, hurts. And one of my best friends for about over 9 years made false accusations about my sister. Saying she was messing around with her boyfriend. She hardly came around and her reasoning was that "it was too hard for her".

Right now I feel okay. To this date I feel content. But I'm a little concerned with the lack of feeling I have for anything. I feel that I should've shown more when he died. Of course I was sad, but I never expected to feel this content with life. Esspecially with the other things I've had to deal with on top of his death. I'm just scared. Scared that I am heartless. I rarely care about things. I don't <b>want</b> to be depressed, but I don't feel like I dealt with things the way a should've. I don't know if it has hit me yet, even though it's been over a year.

I just want to see if anyone feels the way I do. Has dealt with something like this the way I did and am doing now. Any feedback would be nice.

Thank you. :)

I lost my father four years ago kitty (dec. 11, 2000), and it is still unbelieveable to accpet. His death, like your father's was completely unexpected, he ended up dying from infections in his blood that stemmed from a total knee replacement, it was very bizarre. I never thought my dad would die from a knee surgery. I too have had a failed relationship, the guy I was seeing at the time of his death ( i had dated him for about 3 years at the time) did not even have the character to come to the funeral. He came to the wake for a little bit, but said it was hard for him to see me so upset. I was like well that doesn't really matter, it was not his time to feel upset about anything. Then two weeks following that, at Christmas, he asked me to marry him. In my fragile emotional state, said yes not really wanting to, I was still in a daze from my dad's death. We were engaged for a year or so before I broke up w/him, I don't think he ever understood how I felt. I then involved myself with a couple "casual" relationships, something I thought I would never do, I got a tattoo, then started dating another guy two years later. for the longest time following his death, I turned away from my faith, it has taken me nearly four years to come to terms with my anger at God and I have finally found a church where I feel totally loved and accepted, the pastor even sat and listened to me when I told him about my dad, he cried along with me and everything. The most important thing to do when losing someone that special to you is to find a constructive way to deal with your grief or it will totally transform your life into something you don't want. I chose the wrong path and spent four years in depression before I came to peace with all the anger/grief I felt. I'm sorry to hear about your mom's behavior as well, that's so rough, especially so soon after your dad's death. My mom is now remarried, and it is still hard seeing her w/someone else, I can't imagine what it's like for you and your sis seeing her w/different guys all the time and stuff. I wish you nothing but the best, and just try to stick close w/your sis and talk to each other about your feelings. Merry Christmas and God Bless!!!

Hi Kitty
I lost my Dad three years ago. I was with him when he died. It is still painful but I know he isn't suffering anymore. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Stay in touch Kitty. Take care.

Hugs
Mus

My father will be gone two years this Feb. He was 48 years old when he died and it too was unexpected. I saw him that day for about 10 minutes I was picking up my daughter and he was there at my moms. I wanted to get home because after there he was on his way to my house. I live less than a mile away. When i got home and the phone rang i thought it would be my mom complaining about his g/f and to tell me he was on his way but it was my sister saying he passed out. Even after all this time it still seems unreal. He had a massive heart attack and was gone before he hit the floor they said. I guess Im glad that it was quick but he wasnt even sick or if he was he never said anything. It has changed me as a person too. I know what you guys feel like. My prayers are with you :angel:

Kitty,

I know all too well how you feel! My Dad , my hero, was diagnosed with cancer in April, had surgery in May, late July told he had 2 yrs to live and then passed away in August. So my Dad didn't pass as suddenly as yours but it sure felt that way. My parents seperated when I was in Kindergarden so my brother, sister and I lived with my Dad and Grandma until I was 12. My Dad then married my step mother who had 2 kids of her own and they also had several more children together. After my Dad was diagnosed my Step mother went to only 2 drs visits! My Dad was in the hospital for 8 days before he died and needed/wanted people in his room to watch his oxygen levels...not once until the early AM of the evening he died did she stay in his room!

My Dad had a very difficult time getting rest due to his breathing but she would come in and adjust the blinds so the sun would shine directly on him (she said she was trying to make it cheery), turn on the TV and insist that he wanted everyone talking around him! He was confused when waking in the early AM the day he died and the nurse was in the room and asked him if he was okay and if he knew where he was. He could not respond but squeezed my hand when the nurse asked him to. My SIL had passed the room and reported it to my Step mother who came running in and slapping him in the face! It was unbelievable! I left the room and was told later that there was a dispute with my sister and SM and that my Dad's 3 eldest children, myself included, would not be allowed in the room for 12 hours. During this time he was expected to pass away. Since my SM had spent very little time in the room she had to relent on this because she had no idea when to administer oxygen and could not even understand him (I guess this shows you how much time she spent with him).

I have had no contact with my SM since the funeral. When my Dad passed away my SM didn't even make the funeral arrangements (she just couldn't bear to do it). However, she did not let any of his eldest children make them either. She sent the standard funeral thank you notes to us, she fired my BIL who had worked with my Dad for 6 years and brought her son in that my Dad said he would never have work for him again, she divied up the company assets amongst her blood relatives (she had one of the younger siblings call & ask my sister if she wanted anything from the business but when asked what was left she was told "i guess nothing), stiffed the suppliers, bought a new house while keeping the current house and yet I continue to hear through business associates,70 miles away, how penniless my Dad left her. My Dad told us that he thought he had enough $ to take care of my SM for her life if she was wise with her spending (she never was any good at that). My Dad did not lie so I have to believe that what he said was correct. My SM has shown herself to be a liar on several occasions.

My SM has also refused to buy a marker for his grave or even let me purchase on that she picked out! She harps on how she is the bereaved widow but will not even mark her husbands grave!
She then goes on to say that the 3 of us have not even called to console her or take her to lunch! She hasn't even told us she moved 3 months ago! I was having a hard enough time getting past the hospital incident when I received the thank you note! I would not have thought that she wanted us to call her or comfort her...and she could have called us as well!

The story is much longer than this but I feel that I'm venting way too much already. I am so frustrated by my SM attempts to make this all about her from the beginning I want to scream! She has also caused a seperation of the family because the younger siblings want to protect thier "poor mother" but mind you they were raised under her influence which is at best a selfish unrealistic influence. My Dad had a good reputation and was an honest man, he would have wanted all of his affairs handled in a fair manner. I do not feel that this has been done and I know that he would not want his name tarnished to make everyone pity his wife. I do believe that he saw her for what she was during the hospital stay as he would ask where she was and we would make excuses like "she had to go home & change clothes" when we knew she wasn't coming back. He stopped asking where she was after a short time and would call for his 3 eldest when he wanted anything, maybe since we were the only ones that could understand him as we had been staying 24/7 for 8 days dividing it up between ourselves.

I hope your issues have a much more pleasant ending than mine (I really can't see any end in sight). I still wake up dreaming about my Dad at least 1x a week. If it isn't a dream about my Dad it's a dream about telling my SM why it isn't all about her until her until it's her time to pass away!