I've just been having a real hard time lately....Christmas is coming up and I lost my grandmother and this is the second christmas without her, and the second christmas without my best friend and it's not the same anymore. I don't look forward to it. I spend all day with my family and my grandma and all nite with my best friend....I mean what do I do now....it sucks....and I feel like everything is so out of control....this disease has over taken me....I thought I had control, but the whole time it's had control of me...ha...what an idiot I was...to think for one moment that I had it all under control....I tell everyone that.....the other day i was in a friend of mine's workplace and she hugged me and she just looked at me so concerned and said everytime i see you, you are smaller and smaller, and i looked her in the eyes and lied to her.......i'm okay, I have it under control...and she always just asks me to get help...I feel bad, because something in me wants it and knows i need it, but everything else screams no im fine....ive been through more in the past 4 years than i ever have, and probaby more than most people have, and to be honest its reall F***** with my head...a very good friend ive had since i was 5 overdosed and died, my grandmother died, my best friend hit a tree drunk driving and died, another good friend of mine...her sister walked into her trailor and found her dead on the couch, two of my aunts died, my mom had a bad wreck and messed herself up real bad and she's not the same anymore, she can't do anything with me that she used to do, she cries all the time because shes in pain, it sucks....everything is just out of control, and i cant handle it....theres nothing that i can fix...its all just final i cant change any of it and i cant stand it i dunno. i just really needed to vent i guess...happy holidays

I know how you feel. My grandmother died two years ago and we buried her on Christmas Eve. :nono:

I dont know what to think
I dont know how to feel
I'm not sure what to do
I dont even think it's real
I dont know how I've come
so deep into this trap
with the crown of thorns upon my head
and the devil in my lap
I'm lost in a downward spiral
I have no where to turn
of course every bridge I've crossed
I've always had to burn
I've had so much pain
things people should never go through
I've seen horrible things
that ripped my world in two.
I'm not making excuses
for the things that I do
everything that happens
I can own up to
I just know I need a hand
because its hard to do it by urself
sometimes I dont know where to start
I just need a little help
I know I have no control
over this disease
its over taking me
and everything it sees
I can't get that voice
out of my head
sometimes I just wish it all would stop
sometimes I wish ....

I don't know of anything to say to make you feel better. Just know there are others out there who still need you and that there are others who are thinking of you. I'm praying for you. Hang in there...you can make it.

Hey Crying skies,
Wow you have been through so much tough stuff, you are really strong to have pulled through. Your poem is very poignant, and you are obviously a very talented girl. I know it is a struglle each moment, and it feels like the illness has taken complete control of you. But it is not the strongest, it mustn't be! You still have your say in this, and you can get out, I know it! You will need help though, no one can do it alone, you really need support to give you the strength and courage to fight back. I am here to listen, and will be praying for you. Please don't give up. Once you admit you cannot do it alone and seek help, it's the first step to overcome this nightmarish illness; I know you can do, and I pray that you can love yourself enough to do it. People care about you, and I'm sure it hurts them to see you suffering so; they need you in their lives, and so you owe this to them and to yourself. Take care, and let us know how you are :wave:.

Cryingskies, for everything you've been through you've got to give yourself some credit. Your very strong and talented. You've made it this far. Hang in there. Just think... your grandmother, friends and aunts are all watching over you right now! :angel: What would they want you to do? They're prolly watching you suffer and they're hurting seeing you like this. You have them as angels watching over you and thats how you made it this far. I believe we all have angels guiding us thru this life. God will see you thru this too. I'm always praying for everyone on this board. I know there are times I lose my faith too, and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, but lets all try to remember to keep some faith and not give up. :)

I just want to say thank you all for caring and taking the time to read the things i wrote and to respond to them....life is so hectic right now. with working 12 hour shifts and christmas coming up. I'm just exhausted, and I dont sleep well at all either. I am so glad that some one understands how I feel....I know it is a struglle each moment, and it feels like the illness has taken complete control of you :wave:.
I do feel like the illness has taken complete control over me. I feel like a pon on a huge chess board, just going wherever they push me....if anyone can relate....probably not....writing is the only way I can express myself tho. I dont talk to anyone, because im too scared of what they will say...... there's so much s*** that I have locked away inside that just eats away at me each and every day but i just put that big fake smile on my face that no one can see through. I hate it. for just once I would love to be able to just be me how I felt and everything, not be pretending. really be happy....but it will never happen. . . I also want to be a writer, but I dont think that will ever happen either.....

Merry christmas, and happy holidays to everyone. God bless you all. my friend and I have a saying together, I always said Head up and she tells me eyes open....so everyone in ehre keep your heads up and your eyes open, there are opportunities at your door every day, they may not be the big one that you're waiting for, but if you do it in small steps, aren't you still doing it? Take care.....heres a song i wrote

Verse 1
Forever was made to be broken, so why even look for that guy, no one will ever love you, and everyone will always lie, nothing good lasts, but the bad will never fade, the sun will never shine, it always rains for days...

Chorus
And I cant eat
I cant sleep
wondering--waiting--wishing--hating
and I cant live
still I cant die
hurting--trying--breaking--crying

Verse 2
The sun doesnt shine the same, everything is so d*** dark, its hard to see the end, when this is just the start, its hard to care, because you are long gone, while im stuck here on this earth, you've finally made it home

Chorus
And I cant eat
I cant sleep
wondering--waiting--wishing--hating
and I cant live
still I cant die
hurting--trying--breaking--crying

bridge
Why should I care
You said that you would always be right there
why should I dream
when the pain that i feel inside
makes me wanna scream!

chrous again