I'm going crazy!!! here's the thing is like the 3rd time i've posted something in here and the first time my ED was pretty bad and the second time it was a little better, well now i don't know what u would call it. I've pretty much fixed my ED but now i want to do it again. How bad is that I actually WANT to do it. I didn't even have it for that long it was only like a month or a little more. How can this be such a part of me if it was only for a little while. I have to make myself not go to the bathroom after i eat i have to eat with ppl so that i don't feel dumb by going to the bathroom. All my friends no about what went on but they don't know what i'm feeling now. It's driving me crazy. It's like my body is telling me that i need to throw up after i eat. I want to so bad that i don't know what i should do especially since i'm on the varsity swim team right now. i just can't take this feeling anymore. Someone PLZ help me it's tearing me apart. :angel:

emrose,

It's okay, we're here to listen as you vent. Perhaps just getting out into words what your mind is thinking may help you. As you think about how bad you "want" to pick up the habits of your ED, try just as bad to think about those feelings that consume you at such times. The feelings of guilt, anger, and sadness aren't worth it! You are doing so well! I am sure you have a lot of anxiety now, and you may be going into a trance-like state, where reality has no part. It is okay to feel what you are feeling though. Admit it, it f'in sucks! you want to force yourself to throw up, and that sucks! It's okay to feel that way... It really is.... Acting on the feeling is where you must step in and take over.... Keep venting, sometimes that helps. We're all here!

I know what it's like to want to go back...I'm "fixed" too. I have been for a few years now, but every so often...I get that feeling. Just remember what you know about how bad it is for you to be involved in ED...and especially remember the hard work you've done to get yourself to where you are. Great job by the way...you should be VERY proiud of yourself!!!

Jenn