I hate this feeling. It is all a cycle and I cannot get out of this constant turning. Lately it just seems that I am failing at everything. I can just feel myself getting bigger and I cannot take it anymore. I know that it's just been Christmas and I should give myself a little slack in that I should allow for the holidays to gain a pound or two, but I just cannot help from beating myself up over this. I hear voices saying that I cannot eat...I just cannot...but then I see myself eating 2 minutes later. I compare to what I used to eat, and the amount has significantly increased and I hate it. I just wish I could be back to controling all of this. I am so angry at myself...this cycle keeps turning. When I am in it I cannot control it and when I don't want to be in it I cannot stop it. Does anyone feel this way, or am I just rambling and being too deep for my own words?

Novblis

No, you put it very well. I feel exactly the same way. I was going try to eat normally over xmas break.. not starve myself and not binge. Well that didn't happen. I starved one day, I binged the next three days, with some purging that didn't get rid of anything. And now I'm struggling to get control of myself again and the worst thing is that I"m not sure I want to. I got rid of almost all of my food in the house so I won't be able to binge so I could try and get my control back. And I just want to eat and eat until I feel sick. And I just want to starve myself until I feel sick. I can't stand the two screaming voices any more.

Oh, girls. Unfortunately, I know exactly how you're feeling. I have those same screaming voices. I had vertigo (inner ear infaction where you're dizzy and feel drunk all of the time) a couple of weeks ago, so I didn't eat a whole lot then, which is good; and then a few days before christmas, I came down with this "viral infection" as the Dr. calls it, and have been sick since then, which in the back of my head I thought, how great, maybe being sick is how I can lose a few pounds. Well, I was wrong. As of yesterday, the Dr. put me on steroids. Which would be wonderful if it clears up my infection, but I've been eating nothing but junk all day long--King cake, chips, donut holes, hot chocolate, cokes, PB & J sandwich--I just feel disgusting and then I think wait, steroids can make ppl gain weigh over a period of time. I was able to purge some of my donut holes, so not all was lost, but with it came some medicine as well. I figured taking these meds 4x a day, purging one dose (not on purpose) wouldn't be so bad.
I'm just so exhausted. THe first few days, I just tried sleeping everything off so I wouldn't have to deal with anything, let alone food. But since I've been on these steroids, one of the side effects in inability to sleep. As you can see, it's 11:15pm and I'm still quite awake. I forced myself to stay awake all day today so maybe in a little while I'll be tired enough to go to bed, even though I've been lounging around all day.
Ok, now I know I'm rambling and you're probably tired of reading.

Goodnight, ya'll. My prayers are with each of you. I'm so glad I have this place to turn to.


Misti

Just a quick note- no drug can make you actually gain weight without you eating more or something like that. If such a drug existed, there would be drugs to do the opposite (lose weight) and we all know that such drugs (as much as people may swear by them) do NOT exist. The steroids will not cause a weight gain- they could cause you to retain fluid- meaning you look like you gained a lil but in reality this will all flush out when you go off of them ,if not sooner; or they could increase your appetite (and in normal people, they would eat more, and thus gain weight...but you probabaly wont have this problem). So don't feel you have to compensate for the drugs by purging everything you eat! :)

They could cause a slower metabolism though, which leads to weight-gain without eating more than before.