Mrs. Chaz- Sorry I missed you last night. I hope you are ok. There is no need for you to feel selfish. I can completely understand why you feel so lost, you just had a great loss, it is only natural that you feel that way. It is not easy to "get motivated" take your time, and be VERY patient with yourself. Did you and Chaz have a normal morning routine, before cancer? Like for example. Scott and I would get up every morning and I would fix myself coffee, and him a glass of juice. We would sit at the kitchen table and do the crossword puzzle together, from the newspaper. I found myself missing this routine, very much! So, I decided to go buy a coffee pot that I could set to auto brew. What I did was, I set the coffee pot for 15 minutes before I wanted to get up, I went and bought a newpaper (did not open it, laid it on the table). The next morning. I got up, my coffee was made, my newspaper was there, and I did the crossword puzzle. Though it was VERY difficult to do without Scott, I did it anyways (also realized that HE was the one that knew most of the answers, I could not finish it!), but my life actually felt a "little" normal that morning. My point is, if Scott and I had "habits" or "routines", I try to do some of them without him, the ones that I am able to, just so everything does not have to change at once. It is not completely teh same without him, but the rituals are the same that I am accustomed to. It sounds crazy, but it really does make me feel better. And, once I have done that, I have a little more motivation and I can go get in the shower and do something. I usually do not do much. I just drive, or take my dog for a walk, or take him to the park. Or, I go to the cinema in the afternoon and watch a movie. Just any little thing I can, something to get out of the house and try to do things.

I have had a set back, but I will bounce back from it. I am going into the 4th month without Scott, and I will be honest with you (for me anyways) right when I started thinking "ok, maybe I can do this" (was going into 3 months for me when I though I was somewhat ok), I took a back plunge, right back into the grief full force. So, the last week has been quite difficult for me. But, I can still here Scott's voice telling me "you have to keep going, you are not done". And he is right, I am not done, I DO want to keep living. Sometimes I wonder what I am living for, and then a take a look at the life around me (family, friends and nature) and realize, THIS is what I am living for. And, I am living for God, when I am done here, I will be with Scott again.

I am rambling. Your loss is so fresh and so raw, the way you are feeling is ok. You need to let yourself grieve, and cry, it is what heals us. Grief is not our enemy, it is our friend, and going through it is how we will be healed. We will always miss and love, and never forget Chaz and Scott, but we will be with them again one day. But for now, we just have to do the best we can to keep moving, and keep living, until that day comes. For you, I hope Chaz will continue to live through the eyes of your children and your grandchildren, and through the stories that can be shared. Chaz was a strong and faithful man, I know, without a doubt, he is in God's hands and he is at rest. And I know that is hard to accept because we want them here, with us, forever.

I bet Chaz and Scott have met, because they both knew of each other before they left this world. I just wonder what they are saying about us. I know that they are with us, and they will always be watching over us. They do not want to see us hurting and in such deep pain, but they to know that we have to go through this, but we will make it. And I know, what they have left us in our hearts will help us make it.

I Wish I could give you a BIG HUG (((((MRS. CHAZ)))))

Renee

Dear Renee and Mrs Chaz

I would like you both to know I am so sorry for your Loss. I feel that Scott and Chaz are still by your sides and always will be. They will want (and expect) you to keep going, they would not accept any less from you.

For me, I've found that some days its one step ahead and the next day its two steps behind even though I couldn't have predicted it. There are no rules (thats actually about the only thing I have learnt).

Mrs Chaz, there is no definitive answer about 'how to go on'. I searched deep inside myself, spoke to people, read books and have discovered it to very much be a continual learning process. Each of us will have a different learning experience. I know its not the answer you may have wanted. Look ahead minute by minute for now. It will in time be day by day, but there's no need to think of that for now. You will go on without knowing how you are doing it. Chaz will help you along. He will.

Renee - to me, your words to Mrs Chaz and many others are those from an Angel. Please know that. I assume you are from the US, but trust me your words are just as true to an Australian. I have printed off your response from this post to Mrs Chaz as I was very touched. Thank you Renee for giving everyone continued support and encouragement considering its only recent for you too. I wish we would all be able to meet in person, that would be really lovely to give each other a warm hug and say 'I know what you are going through'.

For my Family, 30 January will be one year since my Dad passed away from Lung Cancer. Feel free to read my posts - for us it happened in only 6 weeks from diagnosis. My Dad was not a quitter, and I think he'd be disappointed if I quit. He gives me alot of incentive to go on, make him proud. I am certain we'll see each other again one day, in the meantime though he'd want me to try, try and if I fail try again. But not to quit.

You are both in my thoughts
Kiddo

Kiddo- Thank you very much for your kind words, your words really touched and spoke to my heart. You are right, our loved ones are still with us, they just live on in many different ways, and through different people. I had an interesting conversation with my husband's best friend last night, regarding this topic. Each of us received an email from an old friend of my husband's. This friend of his shared great stories with us, and talked about how Scott had been his inspiration and mentor for so many years. He spoke of how Scott led him to God, and how Scott was a teacher of many things. He gave Scott the credit for his successes in life. To me, this is one example (of many) of how Scott does still live on. He is not here in person, but because of what he has taught so many people, we are all still motivated by him. To me, that proves he does still exist in the present time, just not in the human form.

I am sorry for your loss as well. My Dad passed away 11 years ago, and it was very difficult.

Like your Dad, Scott was not a quitter, and he would be disappointed if I quit. In my lifetime, he is the strongest and most faithful person I have ever known. And, I know what Scott would want me to do now, and that is to continue to live the best I can. As I said to Mrs. Chaz, Scott does know I will have days where I just feel like everything is crumbling down around me. But, I know where to draw my strength from, and I will always pick myself up and start moving again. I have a habit of looking to the sky and saying "ok ok, I know!" and my friends just laugh at me. :)

Yes, I do live in the US. Too bad we all can not meet in person, I would love that.

May God continue to bless us all :angel:

Renee

Renee as Kiddo said you are a very special person, I read your words and they are filled with so much wisdom. I feel so lost without Chaz, and I know I keep saying the same thing over and over again. I play alot of video tapes just to hear his voice, sometimes as I am going about my daily chores (if I can do them) I just leave the tape play so I can hear his voice. I had this weird dream where Chaz had just passed, but he was still talking to me and with me, but as each day passed he got more and more like invisable till finally he was gone. I just seem to go day to day, and as each day is over I think that I am one day closer to being with him again. We only had one child, and no grandkids our son is only 22. Chaz and I were high school sweethearts, I am 47 and have been with him since I was 16, he was my first everything, I just at this point cannot see me going the rest of my life without talking to or holding him ever again. The finality of this just kills me. These boards made me feel good also, especially when people came on and said that they had talked with Chazz and he had helped them, that is him in a nutshell, or was him. Chazz always said everthing happens for a reason, I wish God would explain to me the reason for taking my Chazz away from me?

Mrs. Chaz- I think it is great that you have video tapes to play, and hear Chaz's voice. I have a few video tapes with Scott in them, and 1 cassette tape of him singing. Like you, I love to watch and listen to them. Sometimes it is to much for me, but other times it helps tremendously.

I was glad to see you back on the board, I think about you all of the time. I did not know you and Chaz were high school sweethearts, that is so sweet. The 2 of you had a long wonderful life together, that itself is a blessing. I often wonder, how many people never know that kind of love... unconditional and completely fulfilling. Scott and I were best friends for 14 years, married almost 5 years. I miss my friend as much as my husband.

As I do everyday, I was thinking yesterday how lonely it is without Scott here, even when I am surrounded by people, I feel lonely.. for Scott. My Mom worried because I made a comment about wanting to be with Scott. She looked at me and said "don't even think about it" of course, I wasn't! I told her not to worry, my goal is to be in heaven with our Father, and to be with my husband again, and there is only one way there! But it made me think about things in a different way, in a spiritual way. I can not change the here and now, so I have to do a whole lot of "soul searching" and find a way to connect with Scott again. I know it can be done, I just pray I can figure it out!

Like Chaz has said to you, I also believe everything happens for a reason. I wish we could know the reasons now, but we were not meant to understand. I guess that is where the whole "trust" factor comes in. We just have to try to beleive there was a reason, and one day it will make sense to us. God did obviously need some more good men, because that is what he got. Scott always said to me "we are not of this world, but in this world, our homes are in heaven". He is right, our homes are in heaven. Scott and Chaz got to go before us, but they will be there waiting for us on the day we go home as well.

Take care,
Renee

Renee,

Thank you so so much for all your thoughts and prayers, I am sorry you had a set back, I cannot pretend to know what you are going through simply because everyone is different. I do identify with your feeling of loss. I have been reading report after report on Chazz and what he was going through medically. It was a wonder that he was even alive before he went into the hosp. It had tore through his body very quickly a very rare and agressive form of carsonoma. The doctors could not understand how he could even walk at that advanced stage. I can only assume it was because he knew that I was not (like I am now right) ready. He knew, he knew in his heart. He had made all the arrangements picked out everything everything was paid for. I didn't even know he was doing all this. The only decision I had to make was what design I wanted on the guest book, he was that thorough. He knew that I would not be able to make those decisons and did not want me to have to pick out a casket (God I still cannot believe it). I felt so bad none of his old clothes fit him. He was in such aswsome shape, had the body of a 25 year old, well before cancer raveged it. Chazz loved the outdoors, loved to fish anything outside. I should have realized how bad he was by his inactivity, in the last few months he sat around more than he had ever done. Chazz had the most awsome blue eyes, almost hyptnotic, Chazz was all eyes and heart, he had a heart as big as the world. I wish we could have given someone else his heart, he could have lived on. I just have such an emptyness in me now, its like I wake up and think well another day is gone, I am one day closer to being with him. A friend of Chazz's had told me that Chazz had contacted him and Chazz was thinking of recording a Anniversary message to me, and put it on like 20 tapes so he could say happy 28 baby, or happy 29th baby. But then he began to think that maybe that would keep me from moving on after his death. God I wish he had done that. One of Chazz'z friends (not the one that was their when he died) has been in touch and coming by a little too much, I hope I am reading his intentions wrong, but this guy has always kinda gave me an uneasy feeling. I do not know how to say anything without sounding like a complete crazy person, maybe its just my frame of mind or something. Well I think I am rambeling. I went back and read Chazz's posts when he really started slipping and it just kinda really put me into a funk, so I am going to stay out of those post for awhile.

Renee I hope in my heart that you are feeling better. I think of you often. I went back and read your posts it is amazing what a strong person you are. You are an angel. Bless you

Hi Mrs. Chaz- Sorry I have not replied, I have been extremely busy the last few days. I have had to get a new car, and a new computer for work, both have had me running in circles. But, I think everytjing is finally calming down,for now anyways. I am doing better then I was last week. I am trying to put all of my thoughts into perspective, and just "try" to make everything make sense. Some days it just feels like to much,my mind just goes in crircles, I am sure you know that feeling. I dreamed about Scott all night last night. Not bad or good, just things that happened. the most vivid dream I had was from when Scott was in the hospital the last time, he was so figity and just pretty much out of it (high like) from the medication. I would tie about 4 knots in the center of a pillow case, and he would play with the pillow case, somtimes for hours, until he was able to get all of the knots out of it. And then he would hand it to me, wanting to do it again. Though it kept his anxiety down and gave him something to do, it was very hard to watch. Scott was by far the most intelligent person I have ever met, he had an IQ of a genius, and there he was puzzled by knots in a pillow case. It was devastating to see that, to see his mind slipping away, and most difficult because at moments he was aware of it, but could not reverse it. So, that dream (as small as it seems) really upset me this morning, but I am ok now.

Like your Chaz, Scott had beautiful big blue eyes, and a heart that was
HUGE. And, he also loved the outdoors. He was very active, and his form was very athletic. Scott's physical appearance miracously did not change a whole lot until the last couple of weeks. It seemed he went down hill all at once. He was very limited right from the start, because he had to have his left hip replaced. So, he never really bounced back from that. He was able to walk on his own, even the first night after surgery, but it was a slow pace and pretty uncomfortable for him. Scott generally used crutches or a cane. But, he did not let it stop him. We continued to do as much as we could, until the very end.

Scott was very strong, courageous, faithful to God, loyal to everyone and so full of life. I miss him more then I can ever say. I miss my husband and my friend. Everytime I want to talk to someone, I look for him. I do continue to talk to him, and I imagine his response, because I do know what he would say to me. Scott and I had a great connection. We could converse with each other without ever saying a word. It drove everyone else crazy, but we loved it. I remember his brother being so amazed by it, he would always say to me "how did you know what he wanted, he did not even say anything". Scott's Mom would smile and say "that is the connection they have to each other, it will keep them connected forever". His Mom is right, because of that connection, I do still feel him near me, he is with me always. Not in the sense that I would like for him to be, but he is here, and I do find comfort in that.

I spoke to your Chaz on a few occassions, and ALWAYS read his posts. He was alot like Scott, in several ways. I never sensed "fear" with Chaz, he knew where he was going if he was to die from cancer. I know you miss him, and you always will. But I do hope that you still and will always feel Chaz around you, because he would never leave you, that I am sure of. I think Chaz probably made the right decision by not recording the tapes. As much as we like to hear them, that would be so hard. I do have a tape of Scott singing, and I do listen to it occassionally. But, If I had anything from Scott that he personalized for me, I think that might drive me insane and make me miss him even more. My heart tells me I would love that, but my brain knows it would be devastatiing.

As for Chaz's friend. It is hard to tell a persons intentions, but unless he gives you a solid reason to think his intentions are not purely out of love for you and Chaz, I would not say anything. Some people want to help, but noone knows what is enough or what is too much. I have one friend of ours who was coming over way too often. I finally told him, "I appreciate your concern, but right now I need my time to myself", and I asked him to call before he came over, and if I did not answer, don't come. He understood and was glad that I said something to him, because he did not know what I needed, and just wanted to be there.

Like you, I had also gone back and read my earlier posts, from beginning to end. I doubt that I will ever do that again, but you never know. It was heart wrenching, and I relived every moment of that pain. I still remember it all, and I handle my emotions as they come. But I no longer go back and read the posts from the past, it is just too hard. I am glad they are there, because there might be a day when I want to do that. Along with the bad, there is also posts of encouragement and hope. I am sure you understand this (most people don't) but there are days when I want to feel bad, and I want to feel the pain and I welcome the tears. When you love someone, you can not just simply "start over" or "move on", you have to feel everything that comes with the loss, because that is part of the healing, for me anyways. Most people look at me like I have completely lost it when I say that. But I do not let that bother me, I am glad they do not understand, because that tells me that they have never had such a loss, and I would not wish it on anyone.

Well, I will stop rambling. It willl take you forever to read this one. As always, I will continue to hold you close in my thoughts and you are in my prayers.

Renee

I am feeling very lost today, I dreamed of Chazz last night and was very dissapointed to wake up and find it was only a dream. When I dream of him, I feel all warm and safe, when I wake up to find its only a dream I am empty and alone.

Renee I did not know you had talked with Chazz, I knew he mentioned you and Scotts illness but thats all I knew, I hope he helped. I am sorry its just been a very hard couple of days.

I have not had any "good" dreams of Scott, I wish I would. It seems everyone else has. I guess I will, I just have to be patient. I am just happy that I do feel his presence around me, especially in our home. I am thankful for that.

Renee,

Most of my dreams of Chaz have something to do with his illness. Alot of it is him trying to get some help, or the one I have alot is he has died but he is still with me but as each day passes he gets more and more invisiable till he is gone. I am still reeling from the point of how sick he was and how he could not really get anyone to help him. He knew he was sick, very sick. I think he just finally gave up on the medical side of it and started to prepare for his death. I hope your doing ok, I have my moments and sometimes they turn into my days but I guess thats to be expected.

Hi Mrs. Chaz- I am glad to see you are posting, and hanging in there. I am so sorry we all have to feel this pain. I know God has a plan and a reason for everything, but it does not make it easier or more comprehendable to know that. The days seem so long, and the nights so lonely. But, like you I am sure, I just do my best to keep going. I hoped it would never happen (I hate taking medicine) but I finally admitted to my doctor that I need help, and he prescribed me an anti-depressant to take daily, and xanax to take at night. Not sure if the anti-depressant is going to help, too soon to tell. But thank God for xanax, I have been able to sleep better. At 4 months for me, it is such a roller coaster ride, I would love to be able to scream "stop this ride and let me off!", but that is not an option. It is a journey I must see through, I am sure there will be (has to be) light at the end of this dark tunnell.

I am so sorry that it took them so long to realize that there was something wrong with Chaz. Noone knows a persons body better them themselves, I wish they had been more agressive with his diagnosis. I do not know how much of a difference it would have made (i.e if they could have cure him), I just wish they would have listened. I hope that his team of doctors never forget him, and I hope they have learned from their mistake of not listening to him. If they did, maybe they will be more agressive in the future, I hope!

I think of you often. I know it is a long way off, but I pray for peace in your heart and soul.

Renee

Renee,

Thank you so much for your caring and advice God I do not know what I would have done without these boards, you shadowrose, mwessle, LadyJ, they keep me going when I though I was all out of going if that makes any sence.

I have hit a wall, I had a week that I could function I mean I got up and went about my day just like any other day, then it hit me. I woke up one day and realized this is for real, Chazz is not coming back he is not away on buisness, he is dead, he is dead, he is dead. That is call I could find myself saying. I spent three days I litterally could not get out of bed, my son finally came over and made me get up, I think it is all just settling in he is dead, his body is in the ground and I will never hear his voice or see him again in this lifetime. The bible preaches their is no marriage in heaven, does this mean we will not be together in heaven. Right now I am just it seems going through the motions of life. I get up, I eat when I realize I have not eaten in days, I sleep on and off, I rarely leave the house, only to the cematry and thats it. My life is like I am just going through it, not really living. I feel like God has taken my world and I am just stumbleing through the rest of it. What am I to do? Where do I go during the day? I seem to have lost my purpose in life, before it was being Chazz's wife now since he is gone ( he is dead) I do not seem to have a purpose. I just seem to keep thinking he is dead he is dead. God will this nightmare ever end.

Renee,

Are you out their, I have not heard from you I hope everyting is ok ?

Mrs Chaz- I have not been on here for a while. I have thought about you often. I hope you are doing well, if you pop in and read the updates, please reply and let me know how you are. Me, I am doing better, still have my moments and always will I am sure.

Hugs and Love,
Renee

Hi Renee

It was nice to see that you had posted again, it seems like it has been awhile since I saw your name on the boards. I still read everything on the LC board, but I just cannot seem to post? I write things but then I just go back and deleate them, I am afraid of scareing people with Chazz's story, I envey the advice and comfort you can give people with your words, I feel totally sefish for not being able to advise someone else. As I post things just start running back through the bad days and it totally just turns me inside out. I have been getting out more and going through life one day at a time it seems. I still spend alot of time with the what if's sometimes those go well and sometimes they do not. I miss all the people that helped me while Chaz was in the hosp, ladyj, mwsell, and a bunch of other people that was my total support system in those long lonley nights in the hosp. I want to be positive and not dwell on the bad but its so hard sometimes. Well I guess I am babbleing again, I seem to be good at that.

You babble all you want, glad to see you are still on the board, even if you are not posting. It has been a while since I have been on here. Like you, for a while, it got to where I just could not reply. But, this week, I decided I was going to make myself. Much to my surprise, it felt good! I am also afraid of scaring people. But, then I remember, they are here because they are already scared, just like we were.

I am glad you are starting to get out more, it is good for you. I try to get out as much as possible. I work from my house, so it is really important for me to get out, or the walls feel like they are closing in on me.

I miss everyone here as well, we had/have a nice group of friends for support.

Talk to you later, gotta pick my friend's daughter up from school.

Keep reading, when you are able to reply, you will be surprised how good it feels to know that you "might" have said what someone needed to hear.

(((BIG HUGS)))

Renee

Mrs Chaz- I just had to tell you, I am SOOOO proud of you!!! I saw that you responded (with good advice!) to someone on the lung cancer board.

Renee

Thank you Renee

I am so scared that my fear is going to show through my words. Nodules is the first sign they came up with on Chaz. I wrote the post and posted it quickly before I had the chance to go back and erase it, I don't want to scare anyone. I feel so bad I don't think Chaz's posts are even on the board anymore. It is sad its like its just gone. I have been going to some group meetings and have been seeing a grief counsilor for a few weeks now. Sometimes it seems like she is helping sometimes it feels like its useless. I have been thinking of maybe getting a job to get me out some, I am lucky and I do not have to but I think it might be good for me, I have been practicing my "would you like fries with that" hahaha Well guess thats all the wining I have for now, thanks for listening.

I am gonna write more after I finish cooking dinner. But, I want to tell you all of Chaz's posts are still there. There are just so many that they are on a different page. If I click on your name and select "find all posts", it shows every post he ever made.

Renee

Renee,

I did find Chaz's posts thank you so much I felt bad when I thought that they were gone. I was suprised at some of them but that was just Chaz. I hope all is well with you, although I did not know you husband I had a dream the other night that Chaz and Scott were traveling together somewhere, strange huh.

Wow, that dream is strange. The strange thing about it is, Scott always asked me to read what Chaz said, and he always prayed for him. Your dream brings me MUCH comfort. I hope they are having a great time together, I bet they are!

I hope you are doing well.

Renee

Wow, that dream is strange. The strange thing about it is, Scott always asked me to read what Chaz said, and he always prayed for him. Your dream brings me MUCH comfort. I hope they are having a great time together, I bet they are!

I hope you are doing well.

Renee
Renee I have not seen you on the boards and I was just wondering how you are doing I think of you often. I seem to be going again from day to day, doing what is necessary to get by. Not really living just walking around in a daze.

I was touched that Scott was interested in what Chaz had to say, did he have an opinion on what was going on with Chaz's illness. I am sure they are living out their time in heaven getting it ready for us, don't count on it being too clean, Chaz was not much of a house keeper. His favorite joke was the one where this guy was standing talking to his wife and he was asking her what were those to large white boxes in the utility room, its the washer and dryer his wife replied, he replies what are they for. Makes me smile when I think of it. He was much more comfortable outside, I am sure he is sitting in his boat, his Ranger bass boat he always wanted one but never got around to byeing it. God I wish he would have gotten it.

I am just rambeling I am just checking in with you hope your doing well. :)

So good to hear from you! I think about you so much, and SOO many other people from here. Me, I guess I am doing ok. Kind of like you I guess, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I am now taking an anti depressant so I can function with a little more normailty, it does help me. Of course, it is only a short term patch.

What Scott always said about Chaz was, he is going to be fine. He said no matter what, God was ging to take care of him. Unfortumately, like Scott, the only was out of it was through it. Sometimes Scott would cry for so many of the other people on teh board, including Chaz. I guess it was partly for hiself too, but he was always the type to worry more about others, and he did not want anyone to suffer.

You know... I bet, even if Chaz does not have that bass boat now, he would not take anything for what he does have. In heaven, I think we all have (and will have for us still here) things that we can not even imagine. I am sure, in my heart, if given the chance nobody would opt to come back here from heaven. I have found comfort in my heart by knowing an believing this. I look forward to my day in heaven, where I will once again be with Scott. But I have decided (somehow) his suffereing will not be in vain. I am left here here to finish his work, as his wife. So I will find some way to make a difference somewhere. Now, I am not sure what that is yet, I am waiting for it to smack me in the head, :)

I am so glad to see you are still lurking around here! I pop in every now and then, but not too often.

Take care.. and keep posting!

Renee

Are you still out there? I was just thinking of you and wanted to say hello. I hope you are doing well.

(((((HUGS))))

Renee