ocs1
01-09-2005, 06:48 PM
I'll get right to the point:
My girlfriend of nine months just informed me that she has genital herpes and has possibly had it since she was a very little girl. Her mom told her after she had her first outbreak as an adult that she used to have outbreaks when she was younger, but the doctors (im assuming) didnt really know enough about it to diagnose it as herpes.
We have had unprotected sex. She does regularly use Valtrex. She has had no outbreaks in years. I have shown no signs of any form of herpes.
I have done some research today and found out quite a few interesting things. Please correct me if Im wrong.
1. It is hard to spread the disease if you're not currently having an outbreak, but it is still remotely possible.
2. There is a very minute chance that it will be spread to a child during pregnancy, but it is still possible.
3. I also read that it is NOT incurable. This is one that struck me as a bit odd because I always assumed there was no cure.
Is it possible to have an outbreak and NOT know it?
What would you have done in my situation?
Was it fair of her to conceal this information for such a long time?
How at risk am I?
Im really just posting here because Im just a little overwhelmed and confused right now. I really do love her and I dont want to end the relationship out of fear or ignorance.
Please, enlighten me. Give me any advice you have to offer.
Thanks to all who have any advice.
My girlfriend of nine months just informed me that she has genital herpes and has possibly had it since she was a very little girl. Her mom told her after she had her first outbreak as an adult that she used to have outbreaks when she was younger, but the doctors (im assuming) didnt really know enough about it to diagnose it as herpes.
We have had unprotected sex. She does regularly use Valtrex. She has had no outbreaks in years. I have shown no signs of any form of herpes.
I have done some research today and found out quite a few interesting things. Please correct me if Im wrong.
1. It is hard to spread the disease if you're not currently having an outbreak, but it is still remotely possible.
2. There is a very minute chance that it will be spread to a child during pregnancy, but it is still possible.
3. I also read that it is NOT incurable. This is one that struck me as a bit odd because I always assumed there was no cure.
Is it possible to have an outbreak and NOT know it?
What would you have done in my situation?
Was it fair of her to conceal this information for such a long time?
How at risk am I?
Im really just posting here because Im just a little overwhelmed and confused right now. I really do love her and I dont want to end the relationship out of fear or ignorance.
Please, enlighten me. Give me any advice you have to offer.
Thanks to all who have any advice.
Sponsor
beaker24
01-09-2005, 07:24 PM
1. Herpes, like any virus (from the common cold to HIV) is technically incurable, although its symptoms can be controlled such that a person has very few outbreaks and is not bothered by the virus. Some people's immune systems deal very well with the virus so that it does not impact upon them very much. This is not the same as being cured, as the virus remains lingering in the nerve endings, though it may be relatively dormant. There is no cure available for herpes so anything you read anywhere about curing it is nonsense. Some herbs, suppressive therapy (e.g. Valtrex) and lifestyle choices will reduce the frequency and intensity of outbreaks.
2. It would be very disturbing indeed if your girlfriend has had genital herpes since she was a little girl, as this would imply she had sex at this age. Genital herpes is a sexually transmitted disease. Your girlfriend's mother may be referring to oral herpes, commonly caused by HSV1 (herpes simplex virus 1) and one of the most common viruses in the world, often acquired in childhood when a child is kissed or otherwise comes into contact with the virus. This is also known as "cold sores" or "fever blisters".
3. Opinions as to how likely transmission is, outside of outbreaks, varies. In your case, the chances of transmission are significantly reduced as your girlfriend takes Valtrex. Also, many people would say that they don't have outbreaks, but are actually having mild outbreaks and having sex at those times so it seems as if the virus has been passed on outside of an outbreak time but actually that is not the case. If your gf is familiar with her body and when she is having outbreaks, many people are of the opinion that the chances of passing on the virus are relatively low when the infected person is taking Valtrex, however, some risk does indeed remain, and it is probably a little more than a "remote" risk, I am afraid. However, many people are with partners for many years having unprotected sex and avoiding sex during outbreaks and their partner remains uninfected. Some people feel condoms do little to prevent the virus being passed on (as this is a virus passed on by skin to skin contact, like HPV, rather than by bodily fluids, like HIV, and many outbreaks will occur outside the area covered by condoms) and in fact do more harm than good as friction from the latex causes small tears in the skin which allow the virus to infect the other person more easily.
4. Yes, it is possible for herpes to be spread to a child, but EXCEPTIONALLY rarely would this happen "during pregnancy" - there are some cases where herpes has been thought to have been passed onto children during the womb, but it would be very rare. The biggest risk is in fact during childbirth, if a woman is having an active outbreak - if you can imagine, if a woman has sores on the genital area and the child is exposed to them whilst being born. In those cases where a woman has an outbreak at the time of childbirth, a Caesarean section would be carried out, so as to avoid the child coming into contact with the herpes sores. I believe there is another poster on this board who gave birth to her third child whilst having her initial outbreak but a C-section was carried out and the child was absolutely fine. If a woman has herpes, she should let her doctors know during the course of her pregnancy so she can be monitored and a C-section performed if an outbreak is present.
5. It is possible to have an outbreak and not know it, although outbreaks usually manifest themselves in some kind of way which you would notice - a scratch, red and itchy patch, raised bump etc may be present rather than a sore. Many people mistake herpes outbreaks for something else (and some worry that other things are herpes).
However, some women have outbreaks inside the vagina. These are often not painful and go unnoticed as the tissue inside there is soft, but there may be pain upon having sex when pressure is applied to the sores.
6. It's my opinion that your girlfriend should have told you that she had genital herpes. How and when was she diagnosed?
2. It would be very disturbing indeed if your girlfriend has had genital herpes since she was a little girl, as this would imply she had sex at this age. Genital herpes is a sexually transmitted disease. Your girlfriend's mother may be referring to oral herpes, commonly caused by HSV1 (herpes simplex virus 1) and one of the most common viruses in the world, often acquired in childhood when a child is kissed or otherwise comes into contact with the virus. This is also known as "cold sores" or "fever blisters".
3. Opinions as to how likely transmission is, outside of outbreaks, varies. In your case, the chances of transmission are significantly reduced as your girlfriend takes Valtrex. Also, many people would say that they don't have outbreaks, but are actually having mild outbreaks and having sex at those times so it seems as if the virus has been passed on outside of an outbreak time but actually that is not the case. If your gf is familiar with her body and when she is having outbreaks, many people are of the opinion that the chances of passing on the virus are relatively low when the infected person is taking Valtrex, however, some risk does indeed remain, and it is probably a little more than a "remote" risk, I am afraid. However, many people are with partners for many years having unprotected sex and avoiding sex during outbreaks and their partner remains uninfected. Some people feel condoms do little to prevent the virus being passed on (as this is a virus passed on by skin to skin contact, like HPV, rather than by bodily fluids, like HIV, and many outbreaks will occur outside the area covered by condoms) and in fact do more harm than good as friction from the latex causes small tears in the skin which allow the virus to infect the other person more easily.
4. Yes, it is possible for herpes to be spread to a child, but EXCEPTIONALLY rarely would this happen "during pregnancy" - there are some cases where herpes has been thought to have been passed onto children during the womb, but it would be very rare. The biggest risk is in fact during childbirth, if a woman is having an active outbreak - if you can imagine, if a woman has sores on the genital area and the child is exposed to them whilst being born. In those cases where a woman has an outbreak at the time of childbirth, a Caesarean section would be carried out, so as to avoid the child coming into contact with the herpes sores. I believe there is another poster on this board who gave birth to her third child whilst having her initial outbreak but a C-section was carried out and the child was absolutely fine. If a woman has herpes, she should let her doctors know during the course of her pregnancy so she can be monitored and a C-section performed if an outbreak is present.
5. It is possible to have an outbreak and not know it, although outbreaks usually manifest themselves in some kind of way which you would notice - a scratch, red and itchy patch, raised bump etc may be present rather than a sore. Many people mistake herpes outbreaks for something else (and some worry that other things are herpes).
However, some women have outbreaks inside the vagina. These are often not painful and go unnoticed as the tissue inside there is soft, but there may be pain upon having sex when pressure is applied to the sores.
6. It's my opinion that your girlfriend should have told you that she had genital herpes. How and when was she diagnosed?
backpacker
01-09-2005, 10:24 PM
I am the one who went into labor while having my primary ob. I was planning to have a home birth, and we (the midwives and I) were hoping the ob would clear up before I went into labor. Three days after the birth I was completely healed and no virus was cultured from the area--the ob was almost gone!--but I had a Caesarean--went to the hospital and my back-up dr gave it to me. My baby, now 14 years old, was and is exceptionally healthy. I have also had another baby since, and that one was a home birth. The midwives, who have been helping women give birth since the 60's, have never had a baby get herpes, though they have had several that had Caesareans like me, and lots that have had ob's during pregnancies.
Yes, she should have told you, but if she hasn't had on ob in years, perhaps she didn't even think of it. There was a while, maybe 11 years ago, when I went over a year without an ob. My life was busy, full of wonderful and painful stuff, and I remember being shocked when I finally had another ob, it had been so long. Herpes was the farthest thing from my thoughts.
Please read the "Happy Couples" thread, as there are many suggestions for protecting a partner without h. I have been with my soulmate about 13 years now (got it from my ex-husband almost 15 years ago; but that has nothing to do with why we broke up), and he has never gotten it. There are also many good stories in that thread--try to read the whole thing, though it is really long.
There are a few posters here, Nonexist in particular, who feel that oxygen therapy (which I haven't tried, and so have no opinion on) has cured them. You may want to do a search for his posts.
You can get a blood test to tell you whether you have the antibodies for h (thus you have it, though you may not know it.)
If she knows her body and her ob patterns, you probably are at very little risk. But, of course, she should have told you, and it was unfair not to. At least she has told you now. It's very intimidating to tell someone and risk rejection by someone you love dearly. Give her credit now for having the courage to do that. Meanwhile, be patient with yourself; your anger and discomfort are natural. Only you can decide whether to continue in the relationship is worth it, and whether you can trust her in other areas now.
Yes, she should have told you, but if she hasn't had on ob in years, perhaps she didn't even think of it. There was a while, maybe 11 years ago, when I went over a year without an ob. My life was busy, full of wonderful and painful stuff, and I remember being shocked when I finally had another ob, it had been so long. Herpes was the farthest thing from my thoughts.
Please read the "Happy Couples" thread, as there are many suggestions for protecting a partner without h. I have been with my soulmate about 13 years now (got it from my ex-husband almost 15 years ago; but that has nothing to do with why we broke up), and he has never gotten it. There are also many good stories in that thread--try to read the whole thing, though it is really long.
There are a few posters here, Nonexist in particular, who feel that oxygen therapy (which I haven't tried, and so have no opinion on) has cured them. You may want to do a search for his posts.
You can get a blood test to tell you whether you have the antibodies for h (thus you have it, though you may not know it.)
If she knows her body and her ob patterns, you probably are at very little risk. But, of course, she should have told you, and it was unfair not to. At least she has told you now. It's very intimidating to tell someone and risk rejection by someone you love dearly. Give her credit now for having the courage to do that. Meanwhile, be patient with yourself; your anger and discomfort are natural. Only you can decide whether to continue in the relationship is worth it, and whether you can trust her in other areas now.