Hello all...I just wanted to know if I am grieving "correctly", or have grieved correctly?
First of all, my 34 year old brother (only sibling to me) drowned in the Missouri River this past summer. It was very tragic, and seems so unreal. I had a good cry a few times, but nothing like I feel I should have. I love him dearly, and we were so close growing up...but over the years, we both rarely saw one another. It hurts me so bad to think of what he must have when the current of the river pulled him under. (a sand bar collapsed; he was a good swimmer, but the current was so bad) How badly he suffered....or did he have time to suffer?
Investigators found his body, face down in the river 2 days later. It happened all so sudden. I feel empty sometimes, and numb about it most of the time. Why can't I get over the "unreal" stage???? :(

charzysbebe- I am really sorry to hear about your brother. As for grieving, there is no right or wrong way. There is no limit or "minimum" to our grieving. You said you have sat down and had a few good crys. It could be, since you and your brother had already drifted apart and rarely saw each other, maybe part of you already knew how to let go of him. Or, maybe you are in denial. This is something you will have to figure out. I am no expert. not even close! But, it sounds like you have accepted your brothers death, and you have done your grieving. The "empty" feeling you describe is also a part of grieving. Perharps you are still grieving the loss of your brother, just not with tears. It is not uncommon, and does not mean that there is something wrong with you. If you feel like you need to cry and get it out, then I would make a couple of suggestions to you. If you have any, you can sit down and go through pictures, and remember your life with your brother. Maybe even write him a letter and tell him anything you wish to say to him. If you can, try to find a way to close the gap that had seperated the 2 of you in the past years.

Just be patient with yourself, grief does have a natural process, and we must allow it. There are good books on grieving, maybe you could find your answers there. I have read a couple since my husband has died, and I do "somewhat" understand the grieving process, and kind of know what to expect.

I hope that helps a little,
Renee

Thank you so much for your reply! It is nice hearing that there is no "correct" way to grieve. It makes me feel somewhat normal...lol. The day they found his body in the river and pulled him out, I went to the river and sat on a dock by myself and threw white roses and rose pedals into the river, and watched them drift down stream...and I bawled my eyes out. I cried when I heard they couldn't find him, and I cried when they found him dead....and a few times, I cried myself to sleep right after the incident. I guess what gets me, is I couldn't even cry at his visitation, funeral, or burial. It was like I couldn't cry. I was numb. Here, all of his friends were bawling (some distant freinds) and his own sister has not even a smudge of makeup under her eyes. *sigh* I feel guilty about that, but what could I do at the time?? I think of him all of time...things we did when we were little, etc...although I haven't cried since the month it happened. Glad to hear that it is ok to grieve in our own way. :) That makes me feel much better!! Thanks again! :)

Charzybebe, so sorry about your loss. Grieving is an intensely personal thing; it is never the same for anyone. Also, it is not the same for any two relationships. how you grieve for your brother will not be the same as how you might grieve for some one else, just as the relationship isnt the same. Keep in mind that the grief process is cyclical; you may be fine about some parts of it one minute, then completely fall apart over the same things later. And, there are various stages to grief - we can experience more than one at the same time, and experience the same stage several times. I lost my best friend at 26, my father at 32, and just found out an hour ago that a friend of mine has died - she was only 33, with a 4 month old baby, and 13 yr old twins. Right now I am still numb - shock, I guess. I knew since Sunday that she was unwell ( she had a massive stroke) and that things didn't look good, but it took about two hours for me to react to that news, so I expect a delay in my reaction to this. My point is, I guess, that as long as you are functioning in your life, dont' try to measure your grief against some sort of yardstick. It isn't something that has an end point. We learn to adjust to the loss, and to accept it, but we never "get over" it. Grief is not a disease to be cured, it is a (and I hate to sound like a cliche) process. My sympathies to you; remember to take care of yourself and those who love & depend on you.

genster-so sorry to hear about you losing your friend not long ago. :( Sounds like you have lost a few people in your life; my sympathy goes out to you. I can't imagine havine a 4 month old baby, and 13 year old twins, and leaving them behind. :( I have 5 kids, and sometimes I worry about, "what if I died?"
My heart goes out to you during this time, and also to her children, family, etc. Thank you for the encouraging words also! I feel much better knowing I don't need to measure my grief! :)

Thanks for the kind words. My friend's funeral was sad, she was awefully young to be gone so suddenly. She was an organ donor, so she has left a legacy for more than just her family and friends. I am very proud of her for making that choice. The day after her funeral, my neighbour's sister died of lung cancer. I was not close to her, but am very close to my neighbour, we often took over her house as kids, she was always there for us. I feel really bad for her, she tends to keep everything inside. But I was able to go to the funeral (my sister and I took our neighbour). I don't live in my hometown anymore, but get home often. I still (as you can tell) think of this woman as my neighbour, even though I am 3 hours away.

I hope that things are going ok for you. It is so hard to get through the first year - according to the grief experts, one shouldn't make any major decisions (like selling the house, etc.) for a year after losing someone close. And we can still be actively grieving for as much as 5 years after a loss. I took a psychology of grief course as part of my training a few years back, and have done quite a bit of reading for my work - it was all interesting, but I learned the most about the whole process from the losses I have had in my own life. I would encourage you to read about it, though, as it helped me to realise that I wasn't imagining the things I was feeling; that it was normal to feel so not normal. It just helped me figure out that people who tell you how to grieve and how long to grieve are usually misguided, not deliberately cruel. It is a shame that at a time when we are so vulnerable, we have to stop and remind ourselves to teach others how to respond to us! With the exception of some sub-groups (such as some religious sects), we do not have a death/grief aware society, no structure to assist individuals at times like this. I don't mean to get on a soapbox, but I feel we have lost something in not having people who are aging, infirm, disabled, etc. visible in society. Rant, rant, rant. Sorry. I get carried away when I start thinking of the cost of our Barbie world... I am a bit of a non-conformist at heart. sorry. :rolleyes: I will stop ranting now.
As I said, I hope things are going better for you. keep posting, keep the faith, and don't be worried about letting yourself feel your grief - it is a process, not a disease.