ynglady
01-12-2005, 04:19 AM
I am a survivor of child molestation and sexual battery. My father also tried to kill me as a child by drowning me in the bathtub. I believe I have dealt with my demons pretty good over the years. But if I see him in public or even think of him I get angry and very annoyed. I have been to all kinds of doctors but they can not help me because they try to over diagnose me. I was diagnose Schizophrenia, Bipolar, PSSD not all at once ,different doctors different opinions. I do not believe I am either. Just angry. The different medications I've tried did nothing but made me feel worse. There could be a problem with me, but they haven't found the right diagnosis in my eyes. I believe I am pretty well rounded, I am a good person, a good mother, I have many friendswhom think the same about me. I may tend to keep my feeling to myself but why do I feel so much anger. I don't explode, I control my temper extremely well but others around me think I am angry even when I don't feel angry, so I know it has to seep out in my expressions. Even though not in my actions. What can I do to relieve this anger. Is it a mental disorder, if so what kind. :confused:
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mudhound
01-12-2005, 08:59 AM
Welcome to the boards!
The easy answer is yes. But, As the anger lessens thats when the pain seems to subside. My wife had issues as a small child. She still has some anger with those issues.
Hope this helps.
The easy answer is yes. But, As the anger lessens thats when the pain seems to subside. My wife had issues as a small child. She still has some anger with those issues.
Hope this helps.
ynglady
01-12-2005, 11:52 PM
Thank You for trying but I guess I need to say more! I have many issues. I guess my anger does tend to come out in my irratability. Especially with people I am extremely close with. Time doesn't seem to make the anger go away. And if time isn't the answer what is.Everything reminds me of these's issues and in the pit of my stomach I feel it there always. There are days when I feel Ok but in a flash I am irritated. I try to hide it because I don't think anyone really wants to hear my ill feelings. I was physically, sexually and mentally abused from 3 to 11 yrs. of age. I am now 28. My children are 3 and 10 and I see them and I don't understand why anyone could ever do the things my father did to me. I look at them, they are the exact ages I was and I love them so much I think I could hurt someone really bad if anything was to happen to them. I tend to be too over protective of them, But the angry thoughts are there. I am a Single mother and I tend to be very critical to their father's because I had a father like mine. I guess my anger tends to come out in bickering. I guess that's why I don't have a relationship now. I guess I am looking for away to loose this anger. I have been put on Lexapro and Seroquil for 4 months. The doctor just kept raising the dosage.It eventually gave me seizures. I tried geadon for a year It didn't help any just made me feel like I was not in this world and I would sleep all the time and it was hard for me to even wake up. I was on prozac for 3 years and I felt very addicted. Like I had to have it or my world would become very emotional and a any sec I would cry as if it made me very depressed. But even with all the medications I still feel the anger. That's why I feel the doctors must be wrong about me. My mother tells me I need some type of medication. And she makes me feel as though I am wrong in my feeling. I believe her. My oldest daughter is starting to do the same as me, get irritated, try to hide it, then feel guilty if she does show her ill feelings. So I know I have to do something but how do you do something when you don't know how to get the help you need.
Soulcatcher
01-13-2005, 12:09 AM
First let me start by saying what happend to you is so horrible and I am so sorry you were not protected. I don't see why your not allowed to be angry at times, it's what you do when your angry that can be the issue. I have never had any child hood molestation or rapes but I am still VERY over protecting with my children because you never know. My therapist tells me that I "have" to trust someone to watch my children and that I need to get out more. Well, who is he to say this. I am fine with my children and I do NOT let anyone watch them. I don't need to go out and party, my life is my children.
I take 30mgs of Lexapro and 1mg of xanex to get to sleep. Girl, I still feel anger at times. Anger towards things that just get me angry...people talking on the cells and don't drive....Neighbors who think I have to listen to their drunk Sunday night karoke parties...It's how we act upon them...If I set their hourse on fire that would be wrong...well not really if you were to hear them sing but I kindly walked over there and told them that they needed to shut their door.
I have things in my past that anger me....My mother wasverballly abusive and physically abusive..I still lash out at her attitude. Its normal. I don't take it out on my kids, I don't hit people. Why do doctor's feel you have to be dubbed or labeled with something?? I guess saying "um...Mrs..so and so, your absolutly normal and you don't owe me for this visit..have a nice life"............Not going to happen. We are a money maker and we believe these people who read books to dub us "crazy" PTSD please! Sounds like your normal to me as long as you are not failing as a parent. xxxxx
I take 30mgs of Lexapro and 1mg of xanex to get to sleep. Girl, I still feel anger at times. Anger towards things that just get me angry...people talking on the cells and don't drive....Neighbors who think I have to listen to their drunk Sunday night karoke parties...It's how we act upon them...If I set their hourse on fire that would be wrong...well not really if you were to hear them sing but I kindly walked over there and told them that they needed to shut their door.
I have things in my past that anger me....My mother wasverballly abusive and physically abusive..I still lash out at her attitude. Its normal. I don't take it out on my kids, I don't hit people. Why do doctor's feel you have to be dubbed or labeled with something?? I guess saying "um...Mrs..so and so, your absolutly normal and you don't owe me for this visit..have a nice life"............Not going to happen. We are a money maker and we believe these people who read books to dub us "crazy" PTSD please! Sounds like your normal to me as long as you are not failing as a parent. xxxxx
kerry1
01-13-2005, 12:12 AM
I would be worried about you if you weren't angry about it!! Just reading your brief comment about your father made me see red. What a horrible, horrible thing to do to a child - and attempted murder??? He doesn't sound human. Then, of course, you hear all this crap about how you're supposed to love your parents and they're supposed to love you and take care of you, and for you, it's all a lie and a sham. Then maybe you hear people tell you you're "too angry" and need to "fix yourself". Gee whiz (I can't swear on these boards so translate that as you see fit).
I hope you're seeing a therapist and talking about this to someone. Just to help you learn ways to deal with this perfectly natural anger you have, and will probably always have. I don't think anger is a bad thing - it can be misused, however, and you're right to be concerned about taking it out on people close to you. There are better ways to channel it - it's a forceful emotion, and a it can be a forceful tool for change!!
I've never been molested or beaten by a parent, but thinking about it puts me in a rage, and it makes me even angrier when I see people letting it happen to children and not doing anything about it. A swim instructor I had as a child thought it was cute to "dunk" me, causing me to nearly drown. I hate him to this day, I absolutely hate his guts. I don't even remember his lousy name. Abuse victims often do drugs or commit suicide, and I can fully understand why. It's the strong ones who survive, and you seem like one of them.
I hope you're seeing a therapist and talking about this to someone. Just to help you learn ways to deal with this perfectly natural anger you have, and will probably always have. I don't think anger is a bad thing - it can be misused, however, and you're right to be concerned about taking it out on people close to you. There are better ways to channel it - it's a forceful emotion, and a it can be a forceful tool for change!!
I've never been molested or beaten by a parent, but thinking about it puts me in a rage, and it makes me even angrier when I see people letting it happen to children and not doing anything about it. A swim instructor I had as a child thought it was cute to "dunk" me, causing me to nearly drown. I hate him to this day, I absolutely hate his guts. I don't even remember his lousy name. Abuse victims often do drugs or commit suicide, and I can fully understand why. It's the strong ones who survive, and you seem like one of them.
bbybyrd
01-13-2005, 03:30 AM
I've never been molested or sexually abused but was verbally and emotionally abused from my dad. I've been in therapy for 3 years now and I'm still angry with him. I try not to show it when he's around (he's not around much..I live 9 hours away) but when I talk to him on the phone I keep it civil...of course, he doesn't think he did anything wrong and that's another reason why I have anger towards him. Everyone has anger, it's healthy. The thing is that your anger is leaking out towards others (even though you may not notice it) and that can be unhealthy at times. Are you in therapy? Therapy does wonders for me because I can get all my anger out in a safe place and with someone who isn't going to judge or invalidate me. Sometimes we don't realize that we have a problem until we see it in our children. My grandma used to always tell me that my dad and I don't get along because I'm just like him...anger and all. Medication isn't always the cure for everything. In your case, you have tried different meds and they did not work. You probably should look into cognitive behavioral therapy. But let me say this, in your situation you have every reason to be angry and don't let anyone invalidate your feelings towards your dad in anyway. :nono:
ynglady
01-18-2005, 05:27 PM
I am not currently seeing a therapist. I have not found one yet that wants to truely help me. I don't like taking alot of medications. The medicine make me feel like I am not in my right mind. I am trying to channel my anger towards my school. I am going for my masters in Criminal Justice. I want to one day save people from the things I went through. If I can save even one it will be worth it to me. Maybe I can save more. I am trying to be constructive. I am trying to teach my girls that mom can be trusted to love and protect them, but if something bad does happen in those moments I am not around, that they can tell me and I will do everything to help them. To the fullest extent. My mom took my father to court but the system failed us. He skipped town for 2 years and then returned, he was no dummy he knew the law. Statute of limitations you see. So my moms attorney charged him with capital rape, Which this case was not. So he got away. His side of my family took his side. My grandmother told me at 11 that I was a ho**,sl**, and told me if my dad did do what I had said it was because I wanted it. I refuse to let her into my life or even see my children. My mother sends her pictures and that makes me extremely angry. I believe she threw that right away. Exactly 10 years later my father molested 2 more children. This time he was caught. But because they couldn't bring up my case he got off easy, on account they thought it was his first offense. Sentenced 15 years with 11 suspended. & while he was serving his 4 years he decided to get a GED so they knocked off 6 months. So he served a total of 3 years and 6 months for molested 2 more children. Which happen to be 2 of my cousins that I had never met. On account that side of my family had disowned me. But I keep these things inside me. It feels good to release. Maybe my story alone will help someone. Thank You So Much. I love this board.
kerry1
01-18-2005, 11:08 PM
I am not currently seeing a therapist. I have not found one yet that wants to truely help me. I don't like taking alot of medications. The medicine make me feel like I am not in my right mind. I am trying to channel my anger towards my school. I am going for my masters in Criminal Justice. I want to one day save people from the things I went through. If I can save even one it will be worth it to me. Maybe I can save more. I am trying to be constructive.
That's a great attitude. I tried training to help battered women, but I got too emotional over it and had to quit. It pushed wayyyy too many buttons. I'm just warning you, this may happen to you too, so don't feel like a failure if it does. But go for it!!
As far as the "statute of limitations" goes, you may want to do some legal research - there are higher courts. Also, I heard of a (relatively) new law that waives the statute of limitations if the victims are just starting to be aware of how the trauma has affected them. For instance, if a girl is molested by her father, 20 years might go by before she even remembers it, or realizes how negatively it's affected her life. But she can still sue him.
That's a great attitude. I tried training to help battered women, but I got too emotional over it and had to quit. It pushed wayyyy too many buttons. I'm just warning you, this may happen to you too, so don't feel like a failure if it does. But go for it!!
As far as the "statute of limitations" goes, you may want to do some legal research - there are higher courts. Also, I heard of a (relatively) new law that waives the statute of limitations if the victims are just starting to be aware of how the trauma has affected them. For instance, if a girl is molested by her father, 20 years might go by before she even remembers it, or realizes how negatively it's affected her life. But she can still sue him.
ynglady
01-27-2005, 05:15 AM
I have thought about this also but attorney's cost so much. I don't really have a good support system around me in my life to do something that would bring up all that emotional turmoil. When I mention it to my mother she strongly urges me against. Because I wasn't the only one abused by his hand and I would be dragging everyone down with me. I am the only strong one. I do believe he belongs in jail. Just like I believe any sexual pretator belongs in jail.
vonee
01-27-2005, 07:09 AM
Oh yeah! It is absolutely alright for you to be angry! What was done to you was terrible and affected your entire well being! I too have had experiences like you. I'm 40 and when I was 34 I gave my heart to Christ and he was and still is the only one that can help me. These kind of things are something that you never forget, but forgiveness is imparitive if you want any kind of peace in your heart and soul. I'm not preachin, I'm not a preacher. I just know that we are not responsible for what other people do to us but we are responsible for what we do to ourselves and how we deal with our emotions. Anger is a good thing as long as your not hurting anyone or anything. Sometimes I just scream and bury my face in a pillow and just wish that I could cry. I can't do that very often. It's hard to deal with anger sometimes but we have to in this inperfect world. Especially when the people that are supposed to love us and take care of us hurt us in unspeakable ways. I totally know and I feel your pain. You got to reach down into the deepest part of your soul to find a peaceful place. My place was and still is letting Jesus Christ into my life.
ynglady
02-04-2005, 11:29 AM
I will look into cognitive behavoral therapy. Just speaking on this has helped enormously. I want to thank you guys for your feed back. I have noticed a huge weight lifted already. Just knowing that my feeling are validated. Since my first post I have already noticed a change in my dealings with my family. Especially with my mother. I didn't realize it before but I guess I have issues with her that are hidden. A friend told me the other day that I am the best person to be around until I speak to my mother, If I speak to her even for a sec. my whole attitude changes and I am on edge. My friend help me realize that I seem more angry at her than at my father. I guess I have been but only at the physical & emotional abuse I suffered from her. I guess out of it all she hurt my heart more.
pcantona
02-04-2005, 12:35 PM
Yeah you have the right to feel anger towards your father and what he did to you. How ever anger is NOT good. It is self destructive and bad for you.
I realize that you have a HUGE scar inside of you that is very hard to deal with. But don't let your abusive father continue to ruin your life, by you having rage and anger even though he is no longer in your life. You would let your father just continue having a bad effect on your life. Ask yourself if you want that?. Being angry is not about "right or wrong" and even if you are right, it doesn't mean that it is right to be angry or that it is warrented to be angry. Look at it this way, your father could have abused you because he himself was abused(extremely common) so the chain just continues and continues all thru generations until someone breaks the chain. For you, you could wake up one day abusing someone else with your anger. It doesn't have to be ****** your kids or anything like that. It could be emotional abuse of your children, of your BF or reletives or people in general. Just because you have all of this anger inside of you. When you are angry, you loose control of yourself, you are no longer a rational person, this is why people can do horrible things.
Not only that, it doesn't even have to come to you being abusive. You can to other people look like a "jerk", Bi$%, unfriendly person that looses her temper easily. And in turn these people will treat you accordingly to have you treat them. And all thru your life you might think everyone you know is unfriendly to you and this person over there makes me angry etc. In the long run, people with alot of anger or those that can't control their anger will live a poor life with no friends. You would have problems keeping a job, friends, family, no love life. And the only one loosing is you.
Medications will only numb feelings and anger you already have, it will never make it go away. The only way to treat your anger is thru a therapist.
I realize that you have a HUGE scar inside of you that is very hard to deal with. But don't let your abusive father continue to ruin your life, by you having rage and anger even though he is no longer in your life. You would let your father just continue having a bad effect on your life. Ask yourself if you want that?. Being angry is not about "right or wrong" and even if you are right, it doesn't mean that it is right to be angry or that it is warrented to be angry. Look at it this way, your father could have abused you because he himself was abused(extremely common) so the chain just continues and continues all thru generations until someone breaks the chain. For you, you could wake up one day abusing someone else with your anger. It doesn't have to be ****** your kids or anything like that. It could be emotional abuse of your children, of your BF or reletives or people in general. Just because you have all of this anger inside of you. When you are angry, you loose control of yourself, you are no longer a rational person, this is why people can do horrible things.
Not only that, it doesn't even have to come to you being abusive. You can to other people look like a "jerk", Bi$%, unfriendly person that looses her temper easily. And in turn these people will treat you accordingly to have you treat them. And all thru your life you might think everyone you know is unfriendly to you and this person over there makes me angry etc. In the long run, people with alot of anger or those that can't control their anger will live a poor life with no friends. You would have problems keeping a job, friends, family, no love life. And the only one loosing is you.
Medications will only numb feelings and anger you already have, it will never make it go away. The only way to treat your anger is thru a therapist.