I thought I better make a new thread incase some of you who have already helped me did not got to my old thread and see my reply.Wow thank you to all of you for your advice and for your support. It is amazing that so many strangers can care so much, but I guess we have something in common. I got home from work and was thinking about taking some pills (more then I am supposed to), but I started reading all your response. I have been trying so hard. I have been trying not to abuse my pills. I am still getting prescribed them as I am only a week post surgery from my last shoulder surgery. I have percocet and lortab, and I also have naproxen, which is non narcotic and I have been trying to mix that in with the others so I don't take as many. It's hard sometimes, because I really do hurt, but I know it is also because I want to take the pills for the feeling. Den you talked to me about my playing lacrosse and that is part of what has been so hard. Since my wife caught me sniffing I have only sniffed once and that was the day I had to turn in my jersey to my coach. I will not be able to play lacrosse this year, which would have been my senior year, because of this surgery. That same day my friend called to tell me he read an article about our team and how I was going to be a major factor the factor in our teams success this year. It was one of the hardest days of my life to have to walk away from something that has been such a big part of my life for over ten years. It is especially hard because I had surgery in the summer and was on track to recovery and being able to play, and I got in a car accident and the other guy, whose fault it was, was driving on a supended liscence and without insurance, and that accident ruined the surgery that I got in the summer and tore everything all over agian including my heart. So that has been really hard on me. Something I did not mention before, and is part of the reason I tried to tell myself I was or would not become addicted for so long is that my father do to multiply surgeries and sleep disorders was addicted to vicoden and had to be admitted into a treatment program. He is a different person now even though he is clean and has been for a few years. I was not around when he had his addiction problem I was living away from the family and found out from my little bro when he mentioned my dad having to go to a hospital. I saw his addiction when I moved back home a year later and saw how hard it was on him. Once at one of my college games I broke my collar bone severly and the next morning I saw my dad palm some of my pain meds as my parents had come to see me play. He was like a nervous wreck the whole time together and he had my doc from high school call me in more pain meds than the emergency room gave me, and he took some of them. That is when my problem began now that I look back on it. I had pills from then on till present pretty steadily. Once that summer when I was home that summer from school. I had finally run out and could not get any from my friends who to had run out. I hurt my back on a vacation and my dads friend in the state that we were visiting happend to have tons of pills for back surgery and my dad got us both some. Then not soon after that about a month later I broke my collar bone the first week of lacrosse fall practice. I just kept getting them and minor hurts I made major, because I wanted pills, and as an athlete it was easy to get them I said lacrosse player and that I needed to play and it seemed as if they were thrown at me refill after refill 40 and 50 at a time. I told myself I really did hurt and at times I did but a lot of others I did not, but I told myself I would not and was not addicted, because I had learned my lesson from my dad. Most people think that, that would have detered me or help me stay away from pills, because I have seen what it did to my dad, but unfortunatly that was my excuse I can hear myself saying to people now, oh don't worry I am fine I am careful I don't want to end up like my dad. I don't blame him I love him and he is a great man, I blame myself for using him as an excuse. That is another reason why it is so hard for me to tell fam, friends, because I would feel stupid for not having learned from my dad, and I can't imagine how that would make my mom and even more my dad feel. I think he would blame himself and I can't have him feeling like that. I am going to do it I know it. I am going to go to an NA meeting next tuesday when they have one agian at this little abuse center. I am going to continue to try and use my meds and the naproxen so I don't over do it on my narcs. Thank you all for your support and advice and I welcome it any time and hope that I can use this board as a support to help me as well. I know it has helped already. I might have been laying on my couch high right now, but your responses helped me, and I took the recommended amount and a naproxen and getting out my feelings and reading your post helped me forget about my pain for a while. Thank you

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