Misindale
01-16-2005, 10:13 AM
Hello, I'm having a terrible time with my husband. We've only been married for a few months and things are getting really bad. I knew he was troubled before I married him but I ignored the big red flag that was waving at me. He won't go to a doctor so I can't get him diagnosed but from all the reading I've done it seems he is exhibiting signs of bipolar. He goes from real depressed to angry. All the time. Never happy. Either he's sad and quiet or he's raging about something. Stupid stuff. Yesterday my daugher heard him call me a jerk off. All because he coudn't find a certain hat that he was looking for. He was outside doing an oil change and all I heard was him yelling and the F word was flying. We have a little girl across the street and I'm quite embarrassed by his outburst. I only hope the family didn't hear him. He doesn't seem to get manic or really high. He's responsible with money and has never been promiscuous. I do believe when I'm not on the back of his motorcylce he rides at excessive speeds and I think deep down he wants to die. He has stated that to me a few times. I just don't know what to do if I can't get him to a doctor. He doesn't even like taking an Advil so he'll never take meds. The other thing that worries me is that he almost seems delusional at times with the stories he tells. He talks about building many cabins in the west (Cali), living off the land and panning for gold, going from cabin to cabin. Then he talks about the solitude that he loves so much but likes to have the occasional woman hiker come by to visit while he cooks her fresh trout and they drink hot chocolate. No mention of sex. I found this all written on a piece of paper. This is just weird to me. I want to tell him, Wake up, we live in New Jersey in the year 2005. In his mind he's some kind of mountain man living off the land.
I myself suffer from mild depression and anxiety. I used to suffer pretty bad panic attacks. My anxiety is real high right now and he has me nervous all the time. So far no panic attacks but I feel my own self mentally falling apart. I'm trying to keep things "Normal" in the house because of my 16 year old daughter but after the name calling yesterday she knows things are not good. Advise please, I am so desperate. I am seriously considering annulling this marriage but I am worried what it would do to him and I am honestly worried about myself since I have co-dependency issues. I do genuinely love this man. I should also add that since his bout with cancer (he's cured) things have gotten worse. Please email... Thanks
Dale
* :nono:
I myself suffer from mild depression and anxiety. I used to suffer pretty bad panic attacks. My anxiety is real high right now and he has me nervous all the time. So far no panic attacks but I feel my own self mentally falling apart. I'm trying to keep things "Normal" in the house because of my 16 year old daughter but after the name calling yesterday she knows things are not good. Advise please, I am so desperate. I am seriously considering annulling this marriage but I am worried what it would do to him and I am honestly worried about myself since I have co-dependency issues. I do genuinely love this man. I should also add that since his bout with cancer (he's cured) things have gotten worse. Please email... Thanks
Dale
* :nono:
Sponsor
Instanding
01-16-2005, 11:56 AM
Lots of issues there. The bout with cancer probably not only effected him emotionally, but any chemical therapies might have played with his emotional wiring as well. Your decision is yours to make. You've already acknowledged your co-dependent leanings.
Without creating a threat environment, I would consider approaching him for relationship counselling, if possible. Try to present it without casting any blame in his direction. Something on the order of, "I am uncomfortable with some aspects of how our family is getting along, and would like to consult a family counselor." In a sense, you own up to having the discomfort, and allow him to choose to attend or not attend. The therapist ought to help you and/or him to sort out your feelings and how you might best proceed.
Just a few suggestions. The Bi-Polar aspect is a horse of another color.
Without creating a threat environment, I would consider approaching him for relationship counselling, if possible. Try to present it without casting any blame in his direction. Something on the order of, "I am uncomfortable with some aspects of how our family is getting along, and would like to consult a family counselor." In a sense, you own up to having the discomfort, and allow him to choose to attend or not attend. The therapist ought to help you and/or him to sort out your feelings and how you might best proceed.
Just a few suggestions. The Bi-Polar aspect is a horse of another color.
kiehn
01-16-2005, 02:01 PM
Hi Dale
One thing I love about these broads is a person can get a wide variety of opinions, advice or personal experience. Im not a doctor but it sounds to me that your husband could very well be experiencing depression and hypomania in the form rage and high
irritability. Either he's just expressing a fantasy for this cabin life in CA or he may
be delusional. When I first started having bipolar symptoms I would get delusional
thoughts that at times were so strong I acted on them. Now I would intrepret them
as instrusive thoughts that get worse the more unstable Im. Another factor that
doesnt help here is a major symptom of Bipolar is denial and refusal to get help.
I realize his thinking probably isnt to rational right now but sounds like you need to take some action. Try talking to him and letting him know your marriage is very unstable unless he gets help. If that doesnt work and you feel he's a threat to himself or others you can call the police and have him hospitalized. It's hard to
do but most people after they have been hospitalized and were stable on meds understood the why and how much they needed help.
The bottom line is you cant continue like this not only for your sake but for your
daugthers as well. Give all you options some thought but dont delay as this illness
doesnt go away by itself. Take Care, K
One thing I love about these broads is a person can get a wide variety of opinions, advice or personal experience. Im not a doctor but it sounds to me that your husband could very well be experiencing depression and hypomania in the form rage and high
irritability. Either he's just expressing a fantasy for this cabin life in CA or he may
be delusional. When I first started having bipolar symptoms I would get delusional
thoughts that at times were so strong I acted on them. Now I would intrepret them
as instrusive thoughts that get worse the more unstable Im. Another factor that
doesnt help here is a major symptom of Bipolar is denial and refusal to get help.
I realize his thinking probably isnt to rational right now but sounds like you need to take some action. Try talking to him and letting him know your marriage is very unstable unless he gets help. If that doesnt work and you feel he's a threat to himself or others you can call the police and have him hospitalized. It's hard to
do but most people after they have been hospitalized and were stable on meds understood the why and how much they needed help.
The bottom line is you cant continue like this not only for your sake but for your
daugthers as well. Give all you options some thought but dont delay as this illness
doesnt go away by itself. Take Care, K
Misindale
01-16-2005, 02:27 PM
Thanks to both of you for the replys. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. He's very difficult to talk to. I thought about putting it all down on paper. I was going to talk to him this morning but he was being cold and I asked him why he wasn't talking to me and he says that I'm being cold to him. Well, yea, what does he expect after calling me a Jer* Of* the day before. I am a little hurt. He just left to go hunting with the dog so I can get a few hours of peace. Things have never gotten so bad where I would want to call the police, thank god. He can't get in any trouble with the law because he has a state job. He's a very large man and incredibly strong so I wouldn't want to see any kind of conflict with the police. He basically keeps to himself. He doesn't have any friends except for a few "aquaintances" at work. He barely interacts with his family. Not sure if I'm making to much out of his story that I read. All his books are about Wilderness survival, knives, and living off the land. Maybe it's something he always dreamed of doing.
Thanks again...
Dale
Thanks again...
Dale
kiehn
01-16-2005, 02:47 PM
Dale
My husband has lived with my BP disorder for over 12 yrs and still he forgets
when I get unstable and say things that it's the BP talking not me.
P.S. I know involving the police would be very hard but if things get worse
just remember you would be helping him for his own good.
Take Care, K
My husband has lived with my BP disorder for over 12 yrs and still he forgets
when I get unstable and say things that it's the BP talking not me.
P.S. I know involving the police would be very hard but if things get worse
just remember you would be helping him for his own good.
Take Care, K
*music23*
01-16-2005, 06:06 PM
I just wanted to second that manias and hypomanias do take the form of anger and rage in some people. Some people have both types- hyper and angry. EVERY case is different! And that's why medicine is so complicated! Obviously! :p
Kristina :wave:
Kristina :wave:
Misindale
01-16-2005, 07:37 PM
"My husband has lived with my BP disorder for over 12 yrs and still he forgets
when I get unstable and say things that it's the BP talking not me.
So you are saying that I have to just back and take the crap?
Every day I never know what to expect. So when he yells at me and makes me nervous and break down in tears and then tells me a half hour later that he loves me I'm just supposed to forgive and forget and say "oh, that was just the bipolar talking?" I don't think so! I'm going crazy and it's only a matter of time before I start screaming back at him. I'm trying to refrain from doing that but it's coming really soon. I'm happy one minute when he's being nice to me and I'm telling myself oh everything is going to be OK. Then the next day he wakes up and he's in an OK mood and lovey, dovey and then all of a sudden he say's he has to get the F away from me. He just did this to me tonight. Real nice to me, asked me If I love him so I figured good opportunity to suggest marriage counceling for both of us. He had a fit! He said No, I'm not talking to strangers and I'm not taking a bunch of pills. This is what he tells me. So one day I'm happy, the next day I'm looking into getting an annulment, next day happy. But never happy for the whole day. up and down, up and down.
I'm tired of looking at his depressed *** laying in bed all the time. I'm tired of him complaining every time I ask him to do something. I'm tired of his anti-social behavior. My parents don't even come to my home anymore and they don't know half of what he does. I'm just tired of him. I love him but I'm totally exhaused. I stood by him through his cancer and I went to every single radiation visit with him. He told me I was his rock. I can't do any more for him and it makes me very sad because I love him so much.
Just needed to vent.... Dale
when I get unstable and say things that it's the BP talking not me.
So you are saying that I have to just back and take the crap?
Every day I never know what to expect. So when he yells at me and makes me nervous and break down in tears and then tells me a half hour later that he loves me I'm just supposed to forgive and forget and say "oh, that was just the bipolar talking?" I don't think so! I'm going crazy and it's only a matter of time before I start screaming back at him. I'm trying to refrain from doing that but it's coming really soon. I'm happy one minute when he's being nice to me and I'm telling myself oh everything is going to be OK. Then the next day he wakes up and he's in an OK mood and lovey, dovey and then all of a sudden he say's he has to get the F away from me. He just did this to me tonight. Real nice to me, asked me If I love him so I figured good opportunity to suggest marriage counceling for both of us. He had a fit! He said No, I'm not talking to strangers and I'm not taking a bunch of pills. This is what he tells me. So one day I'm happy, the next day I'm looking into getting an annulment, next day happy. But never happy for the whole day. up and down, up and down.
I'm tired of looking at his depressed *** laying in bed all the time. I'm tired of him complaining every time I ask him to do something. I'm tired of his anti-social behavior. My parents don't even come to my home anymore and they don't know half of what he does. I'm just tired of him. I love him but I'm totally exhaused. I stood by him through his cancer and I went to every single radiation visit with him. He told me I was his rock. I can't do any more for him and it makes me very sad because I love him so much.
Just needed to vent.... Dale
kiehn
01-16-2005, 07:56 PM
I didnt mean you have to take it, I was only trying to help you understand, this is something the bipolar illness can cause. I actually do know how it feels, as our daugher is also bipolar and lashes out at me, of course I've done the same to her,
it's hard very hard not to strike back. Both my daughter and I are different people
when we're stable on our med.
Your husband's mood swings are pretty harsh swings and he desperately needs help. You're right if he's not willing to get help for himself you shouldnt be subjecting yourself or your child to such behavior. It may help to ask him to stay with a friend or family for awhile, and you both can have some time away from each other to think about your situation. This is an extremely hard disorder to deal with, you're doing all you can
to help now it's up to him. Good Luck, K
it's hard very hard not to strike back. Both my daughter and I are different people
when we're stable on our med.
Your husband's mood swings are pretty harsh swings and he desperately needs help. You're right if he's not willing to get help for himself you shouldnt be subjecting yourself or your child to such behavior. It may help to ask him to stay with a friend or family for awhile, and you both can have some time away from each other to think about your situation. This is an extremely hard disorder to deal with, you're doing all you can
to help now it's up to him. Good Luck, K
princesspea
01-16-2005, 09:39 PM
Dale,
I agree with Kiehn. You seem to being doing everything you can. This is a nasty disease to both live with and live in. A seperation might just wake him up. If he doesn't want to get help though, you need to think about you and your daughter. Untreated we can be impossible to live with. There's alot of help out there. Unfortunatly one of the symptom or common threads is deniel that we have a problem. Everybody else has the problem. I'm sorry but that's the reality of this disease. I've gone off my meds in deniel of being bi polar more than once. The last time my husband and I were newly married. I swung a broom handle at him so hard I dented to door jam. Thank God he got out of the way. Not long after I went back on meds and have been on meds ever since.
Please be careful for you and your daughter. Weather you want to get the police involved or not don't completly nicks that as an option in case you need to take care of you or your daugther. I had the police called on me once. At the time I was really mad but, by the time I got out of the hospital I was glad I went. I'm not sure if this helps.
Love,
Jamie
I agree with Kiehn. You seem to being doing everything you can. This is a nasty disease to both live with and live in. A seperation might just wake him up. If he doesn't want to get help though, you need to think about you and your daughter. Untreated we can be impossible to live with. There's alot of help out there. Unfortunatly one of the symptom or common threads is deniel that we have a problem. Everybody else has the problem. I'm sorry but that's the reality of this disease. I've gone off my meds in deniel of being bi polar more than once. The last time my husband and I were newly married. I swung a broom handle at him so hard I dented to door jam. Thank God he got out of the way. Not long after I went back on meds and have been on meds ever since.
Please be careful for you and your daughter. Weather you want to get the police involved or not don't completly nicks that as an option in case you need to take care of you or your daugther. I had the police called on me once. At the time I was really mad but, by the time I got out of the hospital I was glad I went. I'm not sure if this helps.
Love,
Jamie
Misindale
01-17-2005, 11:01 AM
Thanks K and Princess. :) I'm happy to have the suggestions and to have found this board.
Last night was another fun night. I cried and prayed to god for peace. Now I know you don't know me but I'm not much of a believer in prayer. Not athiest, but not religious.
The last week or so he has been continously staying up late. Every night gets later and later. My anxiety is greatly affected by my sleep and the better sleep I get the calmer and less fatigued I am in the morning. Well, he had the tv on at 1:30 and was changing channels, then turned the volume up. So I started to get agitated and once that starts my anxiety really builds and it's hard to control. He finally got up and went into the living room. I can't tell you the relief I had when he left the room. I took another Xanax and a tylenol pm to calm down and turned on Nick at Night to watch Threes company. After my crying spell I started to drift off and he came back into the room. I was zonked from the med so luckily I fell back asleep.
I know I'm rambling on, It feels good to get all of this out. I don't tell friends and family everything so I really don't have anyone to talk to. I'm thinking of calling a therapist. I'm not a big believer in therapy but I feel I'm one step away from losing my sanity. We have a 24 hour mental health facility near us and I've thought of just driving over there and saying please help me but what can they really do for me? I know its up to me to make the choice. Thanks once again for listening.
Dale
Last night was another fun night. I cried and prayed to god for peace. Now I know you don't know me but I'm not much of a believer in prayer. Not athiest, but not religious.
The last week or so he has been continously staying up late. Every night gets later and later. My anxiety is greatly affected by my sleep and the better sleep I get the calmer and less fatigued I am in the morning. Well, he had the tv on at 1:30 and was changing channels, then turned the volume up. So I started to get agitated and once that starts my anxiety really builds and it's hard to control. He finally got up and went into the living room. I can't tell you the relief I had when he left the room. I took another Xanax and a tylenol pm to calm down and turned on Nick at Night to watch Threes company. After my crying spell I started to drift off and he came back into the room. I was zonked from the med so luckily I fell back asleep.
I know I'm rambling on, It feels good to get all of this out. I don't tell friends and family everything so I really don't have anyone to talk to. I'm thinking of calling a therapist. I'm not a big believer in therapy but I feel I'm one step away from losing my sanity. We have a 24 hour mental health facility near us and I've thought of just driving over there and saying please help me but what can they really do for me? I know its up to me to make the choice. Thanks once again for listening.
Dale
princesspea
01-17-2005, 10:42 PM
Hi Dale,
You feel free to post anytime. We're here for you. If you feel like going to the clinic, go. If nothing else, they can listen. Keep posting and keep us up on what's going on with you.
Love,
Jamie
You feel free to post anytime. We're here for you. If you feel like going to the clinic, go. If nothing else, they can listen. Keep posting and keep us up on what's going on with you.
Love,
Jamie
Misindale
01-18-2005, 08:23 AM
Last night he sat in the living room for hours listening to a song from a DVD movie. He kept replaying it over and over and over. Finally at 11:30 he shut it off, much to my relief cause I was started to get scared. I didn't know why he kept playing it. He told me goodnight and said he loved me and I just started to cry. Then he started to cry and just hugged me tight. I told him he is sick and he needs to get some help. He said he tried but the appointment got canceled by the therapist and he said that's it I'm not going.
I tried to get him an appointment with a psychiatrist but the way our mental health facility works is you have to see a therapist first. He needs to see a medical doctor who specialized in mood disorders, am I correct? Therapist is a waste of time and he doesn't like to talk much so he might get pissed and never even make it to the psychiatrist if.
Dale
I tried to get him an appointment with a psychiatrist but the way our mental health facility works is you have to see a therapist first. He needs to see a medical doctor who specialized in mood disorders, am I correct? Therapist is a waste of time and he doesn't like to talk much so he might get pissed and never even make it to the psychiatrist if.
Dale
princesspea
01-18-2005, 06:59 PM
Dale,
I am relieved for you that you were able to talk to him. Make an appointment with a therapist. It's okay if you're only there to get a referal for a psych. Just be up front with them. I've never heard of an MD that is a mood specialist. That doesn't mean they don't exisist. The MD's I've delt with(when it comes to bp) have mostly just been tools to get me into a psych. I just told them up front what was going on and they sent me. My insurance will let an MD refer me to the psych. You can go in with him and tell them what is going on if he will let you. When I was off my meds my dh invited himself in! He kept me honest and add things that I didn't think about.
If this is a little curt I'm sorry. I'm very sick right now and just was lurking when I found your post and wanted to answer you. I really hope you can get your dh the help he needs. For both of your sakes.
This is just my experience. Check and see if your insurance will let an MD do the referal. It's pretty unusual if they don't.
Love and Luck to you,
Jamie
I am relieved for you that you were able to talk to him. Make an appointment with a therapist. It's okay if you're only there to get a referal for a psych. Just be up front with them. I've never heard of an MD that is a mood specialist. That doesn't mean they don't exisist. The MD's I've delt with(when it comes to bp) have mostly just been tools to get me into a psych. I just told them up front what was going on and they sent me. My insurance will let an MD refer me to the psych. You can go in with him and tell them what is going on if he will let you. When I was off my meds my dh invited himself in! He kept me honest and add things that I didn't think about.
If this is a little curt I'm sorry. I'm very sick right now and just was lurking when I found your post and wanted to answer you. I really hope you can get your dh the help he needs. For both of your sakes.
This is just my experience. Check and see if your insurance will let an MD do the referal. It's pretty unusual if they don't.
Love and Luck to you,
Jamie