Hello everyone. I have been reading this board for years, but it's sporadic. Sometimes I will read it everyday for a month, and then sometimes a few months will pass without once reading it.

That's not to say I am sometimes not depressed. I am ALWAYS depressed. But I have been like this for so long that I don't know any other way to be, and I just accept it and have found a sort of contentment within depression.

I just registered today because I forgot what my old username and password was. That's strange because i have a pretty good memory, but anyway.......

I am very stressed out and worried at the moment and don't know what to do, so i need to vent.

I am in school right now, and i never go to class. I haven't gone since the term started two wks ago. The reason i don't go is because i am really lazy, but more importantly i get nothing from class. i study for tests and do well, but i hate the stupid attendance policy. Also, i have very low self-esteem stemming from my looks. I don't even want to go there; suffice to say that posts here have made me feel better knowing i am not alone in that.

i have had one relationship with a girl, and that is it. I am in my mid thirties. i have no friends. i only talk to my siblings and parents, i have two siblings.

i am a little bit of an alkie. i never have had any problems from it, i drink about six beers a day. but sometimes i can go a wk or two without.

like i said, i do well in school overall, but i did fail one course very narrowly last term. it involves a 2 hr lab 4 days a week.

this is painful to me because i don't like to be around people or in public. again, because of looks and also because the only thing i really like to do is lie in bed and read the news and boards like this.

i haven't gone to class since the term started and i am so afraid that when i start going tomorrow, like to lab session for example, that i will be told i am out for the term because of absences.

i kind of hate what i am doing in life right now. i really want to go into more detail, but i have learned many times that it's a small world, and i feel i could be easily identified if i say any more.

i know this has been disjointed, but what i basically wanted to say is that i am very sad, isolated, and lacking energy.

i was reading some old posts that used to give me comfort, posts by people like isolated one, ffsmith, and a couple of others, mostly those people who are lonely and have no friends like me.

someone mentioned they have accepted solitude and are content. well i have too but circumstances force me into things like a freakin two hour lab session with a bunch of happy well adjusted kids ten yrs younger than me.

i get a lot of stares, because i am a defective looking person.

i just want to quit school and run away. i don't think i will ever amount to anything, and what's more i don't try to anyway.

i am not even sure why i wrote this, nothing ever changes.

ffsmith, isolated one, and the other lonely people, where did you go? it seems like this board is dominated by the people taking meds and those with relationship problems (i should be so lucky)

don't misunderstand, your pain is real too, but it's different from mine. mine is from a total omission of all those things that constitute life.

By the way, my name is Raj patel for those who might remember me from before. i posted once when i had just decided i wasn't going to show up for a job and stayed up all night wondering what the heck my problem was.

Dear Friend,

Maybe you could seek help with your looks? I know looks can really affect how one feels and precieves oneself. I had some moles removed from my face and minor cosmetic applications done to my legs. I felt better. I need to have my legs done again; I am very emberresed to have them show. But that is minor compared to where my depression has been going. Very bad these days. I am getting close to making some life changes. I want to be connected to who i am and i am almost to a place where i am going to do what ever it takes. it will be drastic maybe messy...but in the ends i will have saved my sanity. I hope you find a way to find yourself. You are still a creative loveable being who is so capable of loving even in the depths of your depression. Maybe talk to your professors and do work outside of class as independent work. i have done this because of schedule conflicts , but maybe the teachers would be willing to help you work around your depression.
Also llook at your time scheduling. This may be totally not in sinq. with your own time schedule. I found i hate block timing. I feel so rushed. Labs in that respect can be great because they give alot of time to work on a project. I am just trying to be supportive and helpful. I am searching for answers to my own issues right now. I am sorry you are hurting and i wish it would get better for you so you could at least go to class ... if going to class is really what you want to do. Right now i am not motivated to do anything either. I know things i should be doing... but i just cann't do them. It is so frustrating and overwhelming. I want to walk away and start over. The life and place i am at is not working so i want to regroup and try somewhere ealse. I need a fresh start? just rambling now... I'll go and read some more posts. Take care.

bastila

VT-
I do know how you feel in certain respects. There are a few things that you said that remind me of myself at the moment:
"i just want to quit school and run away. i don't think i will ever amount to anything, and what's more i don't try to anyway." I am dealing with the same thing. I don't want to do any work. It feels like it's never going to get me anywhere. It's just means to an end. It seems like there's no point to it. I just want it all to be over. I know I must care on some semi-subconscious level, but I just feel like I don't. Work is piling up and I just don't care about getting it done.
"i am not even sure why i wrote this, nothing ever changes." Same with me. I feel as if there's no point. Everything we try that is supposedly to help me ends up backfiring.
"i have no friends. i only talk to my siblings and parents, i have two siblings." Yep. And actually I only talk to one of the two parents, and one sibling more than the other.
"i don't like to be around people or in public. again, because of looks and also because the only thing i really like to do is lie in bed and read the news and boards like this." I agree. I am totally there. The only time I actually get some pleasure out of other people is through music, if I'm playing with one of my ensembles (I am a percussionist but at the moment I can barely get out of bed to rehearsals). Sometimes it helps to find people who have things in common with you, like I have my music. But still it feels so impossible.
"I am in school right now, and i never go to class. I haven't gone since the term started two wks ago." Same, I've been to... about 4 out of 40 class periods in the past two weeks. I can't get out of bed. They are pointless. I'm never going to be anything good; furthermore I don't want to see anybody and I CERTAINLY don't need to be hounded about how behind I am.
Now I doubt that I've given you any direct help or advice. But sometimes, even as or more important than suggestions (not to say that advice ISNT important, they are BOTH important...), it's good to hear that people are in the same position. You are not alone in this, I promise. It is true that nobody ever knows how you feel 100%. Nobody ever has or ever will. But the fact that someone can come close, and that lots of people in lots of different ways can... that's important and helpful to know to me, at least. Feeling alone is one of the most horrible sensations in my mind. Not only do you feel bad, but nobody knows how it is. I know. And I don't claim to know where you are 100%... just that I understand some of it.
It's also good to know that you're in someone's thoughts... and you are in mine.
Kristina :wave:

Hey, thanks you guys for your replies. I am sorry that you can relate. I mean, it's nice to hear i am not alone, but unfortunate that others feel as bad as i do.

yeah, i am just going to come out and say it and i really don't care who identifies me as who i am. i go to a medical school, but it's a crappy one, that anyone can get into. it is a caribbean school temporarily located here in the u.s. due to a hurricane.

i hate it here and i actually wish i had never come. i don't want to do anything except lie in bed and be alone. it would be nice to do something of a profitable nature over the internet but all those ideas are taken.

i need to go to amsterdam and smoke some weed legally and take amsterdam up on the other thing it's famous for. lately i have developed a preoccupation with sex, the thought of it and the fact that i never have had it. but the last good friend i had was a hot asian girl back in the sham med school i attended for three yrs in india, and long story short, i could have done it with her but our friendship got messed up over her owing me a few hundred bucks, which i eventually called her dad about after which she hated me (but there is a bit more to it than that, blame for which i accept)

so she's been the object of my fantasies for something like a year or two now. i have decided one of my major short term objectives has to be to have sex, however or wherever it occurs. this state of living and being is just not natural. i need to experience that just once.

i am in so much pain right now because my school rejected my appeal of my failing grade in a major course last term and i have to repeat it and it involves two hrs every single day in a lab with forty other people. i mean, this is my personal idea of hell. and but for 4 measly points i fell short, it would have been over forever, and now it's starting all over again. seriously, i think i must have been a mass murderer or baby killer in my previous life because my life just incorporates every undesireable element possible. it's just a giant goody bag of life's misfortunes, all gelling together in one sorry package.

i am not allowing myself to drink tonight as i usually do, cuz i have to go to this lab tomorrow. i have skipped so much and they are really strict on attendance. actually, i have come to hate this school and its people. it's a real dump of a school and the fact that i can't even pass their candy-*** classes is incredibly humiliating and demeaning. god help anyone who ever has the misfortune to have their life in my hands one day. (don't worry, highly unlikely)

i really have felt comforted by a lot of the stuff i have read here before, but the focus seems to be heavily towards meds and all, and i am not on any.

however, i have been considering going to a psychiatrist and asking for either ADD meds or social anxiety meds or both. but i am a little apprehensive about visits to a psych showing up on my school health insurance records. i haven't had health insurance in the last fifteen yrs until starting school this past fall.

Dear Friend,

Perhaps the hellish stuff that is going on will help you to be more understanding and compationate in your profession with the people you help. I am seeing a counceler and he shared with me that he had a bout of depresssion and that he understood how deblitating it could be. I know if a dr. could say to me (his patients) i know what you are going through i had an experience simlar when i was going through school....
Patients respect a Dr. more that really understands. I had teachers in grade
school who really did not care about teaching. I never thought of becoming a teacher but a unique oppertunity opened and I became a teacher. Because of my own unfavorable experince in grade school, i work very hard to be a better teacher. I am known as the fun teacher where i teach. I have the best behaved students and the best preforming students in the school. ( I am not always given the best students, but when they come into my class they have all the room in the world to be the best.) I have fun with my students so that they are always saying wow this is fun... and then when we are in history or parts of learning that are not as much fun, they know we just have to work through the stuff.
I am not teaching right now. I have had to take a leave of absents.
I think i am having a better day. I feel a little better, but i am still not doing anything.

Dear Friend,

Perhaps the hellish stuff that is going on will help you to be more understanding and compationate in your profession with the people you help. I am seeing a counceler and he shared with me that he had a bout of depresssion and that he understood how deblitating it could be. I know if a dr. could say to me (his patients) i know what you are going through i had an experience simlar when i was going through school....
Patients respect a Dr. more that really understands. I had teachers in grade
school who really did not care about teaching. I never thought of becoming a teacher but a unique oppertunity opened and I became a teacher. Because of my own unfavorable experince in grade school, i work very hard to be a better teacher. I am known as the fun teacher where i teach. I have the best behaved students and the best preforming students in the school. ( I am not always given the best students, but when they come into my class they have all the room in the world to be the best.) I have fun with my students so that they are always saying wow this is fun... and then when we are in history or parts of learning that are not as much fun, they know we just have to work through the stuff.
I am not teaching right now. I have had to take a leave of absents.
I think i am having a better day. I feel a little better, but i am still not doing anything.

This is pretty off topic, but can I just say a big WELL DONE about your teaching...I'm not a teacher but my mum is (she teaches 6-7 year olds) and I used to go to a school where discipline and achievement weren't exactly great (well, completely the opposite in fact) so I have a slight idea of how tough teaching can be, and how much it helps to have a teacher who is fun and interesting but can also control a class at the same time, even if they don't want to. Mine, and most other people's favourite teachers were the ones who wouldn't put up with any unnecessary messing around but still knew how to have a laugh and make learning more interesting. From what I've seen it takes a lot of guts and skill to be a teacher like that (especially in a school that doesn't perform very well as a whole), and I admire anyone who manages it. I said that was off-topic and sorry for taking the thread away from its original point, but I just wanted to say that even if it means nothing to you. I hope you get better soon so you can go back to being that sort of teacher!

I hope things get better for you soon verytired, there are a lot of very helpful people on here so you've come to the right place, all the best x wish I could help more :(

Hey, thanks you guys for your replies. I am sorry that you can relate. I mean, it's nice to hear i am not alone, but unfortunate that others feel as bad as i do.

yeah, i am just going to come out and say it and i really don't care who identifies me as who i am. i go to a medical school, but it's a crappy one, that anyone can get into. it is a caribbean school temporarily located here in the u.s. due to a hurricane.

i hate it here and i actually wish i had never come. i don't want to do anything except lie in bed and be alone. it would be nice to do something of a profitable nature over the internet but all those ideas are taken.

i need to go to amsterdam and smoke some weed legally and take amsterdam up on the other thing it's famous for. lately i have developed a preoccupation with sex, the thought of it and the fact that i never have had it. but the last good friend i had was a hot asian girl back in the sham med school i attended for three yrs in india, and long story short, i could have done it with her but our friendship got messed up over her owing me a few hundred bucks, which i eventually called her dad about after which she hated me (but there is a bit more to it than that, blame for which i accept)

so she's been the object of my fantasies for something like a year or two now. i have decided one of my major short term objectives has to be to have sex, however or wherever it occurs. this state of living and being is just not natural. i need to experience that just once.

i am in so much pain right now because my school rejected my appeal of my failing grade in a major course last term and i have to repeat it and it involves two hrs every single day in a lab with forty other people. i mean, this is my personal idea of hell. and but for 4 measly points i fell short, it would have been over forever, and now it's starting all over again. seriously, i think i must have been a mass murderer or baby killer in my previous life because my life just incorporates every undesireable element possible. it's just a giant goody bag of life's misfortunes, all gelling together in one sorry package.

i am not allowing myself to drink tonight as i usually do, cuz i have to go to this lab tomorrow. i have skipped so much and they are really strict on attendance. actually, i have come to hate this school and its people. it's a real dump of a school and the fact that i can't even pass their candy-*** classes is incredibly humiliating and demeaning. god help anyone who ever has the misfortune to have their life in my hands one day. (don't worry, highly unlikely)

i really have felt comforted by a lot of the stuff i have read here before, but the focus seems to be heavily towards meds and all, and i am not on any.

however, i have been considering going to a psychiatrist and asking for either ADD meds or social anxiety meds or both. but i am a little apprehensive about visits to a psych showing up on my school health insurance records. i haven't had health insurance in the last fifteen yrs until starting school this past fall.

VT-
Thanks, but you don't need to be sorry that we can relate. Like bastila intelligently pointed out, it has helped me to understand a lot more about people and life in general, and to be more compassionate. I HATE hearing this when I am down and I apologize, but it really does have some great truth to it... "Every cloud has a silver lining". I swear to you it does. Annoying to hear though isn't it. ;)
Maybe you could do something over the net. If med school just isn't your thing, then maybe you ought to do something else. Why just keep learning about stuff you don't like just to pracctice medicine the rest of your life if you really don't like it?
And let me tell you something about the internet... you said "all those ideas are already taken"... there is no such thing as "all" ideas!! Did you know that there was a man once several decades ago who wanted to close down the patent office because he believed that nothing else of use could ever possibly be invented? That's a true story! Now it's decades later and, of course, it's nonsense!
If you're not happy doing this, my best advice to you is get the hell out of there. Find something you enjoy and build off of it. I can guarantee you that there are occupations that exist out there that you've never even heard of. You only have one life to live! Go get 'em!
Kristina :wave:
PS I probably don't need to tell you to be careful about the whole sex thing. And the pot. I don't want to sound like your mother or anything though so I won't lecture you!