I'm not new here. Just always lurking around. Reading, absorbing all the stories, advice given, information, help, trying to understand something I dont think can be understood. Theres no rhyme or reason. No rationale. Its just something thats apart of me. I do want to thank someone specifically on the Anxiety board. Hry33. Im probably not the first to tell you but your very generous and kind and helpful to many. Its much appreciated. And on the depression board, as always thanks to Geena, Mermaid, Belize and everyone else that have been welcomed and kind to me.

Im suppose to be a human being. Ive spent my life trying to find out exactly what being a human is. I dont know what life is. Dont know what im meant for, or suppose to do here. My existence is pointless, useless. Im just finding ways to pass time til the end. Maybe if I was more of something. More gifted, talented. Maybe more handsome. Maybe a different skin color. Smarter. And a lot less mentally ill of course. I dont know. Life can be interesting and fulfilling. Just not for me. Im just not interested in being, me.

I have a great memory. I can vividly remember things as far back as 3 years old. Thats why I can still remember the fact that the anxiety i had then is the same as it is now. Only just got worst, and worst. I remember I ran away from school almost every day til 3rd grade. Id cry and cry in class. I dont know why. I was just scared. No matter what anyone said or did, I was just riddled with fear. I made myself a target for abuse. Kids love to abuse the crying little wimpy kid in the corner. They didnt help making me feel safer tying me to a fence and throwing rocks at me. The one thing I cant remember is, at what point was I able to finally accept being there, sit there, and not be afraid anymore. As a child I cant remember when the last night I stopped sitting, looking out of my window, squeezing my lil stuffed rabbit, watching the moon fall and the sun rise, so afraid, distraut and scared knowing I had to go back there.

Im not gonna get into everything else. Im a broken record. Ive talked about my issues at nauseam. Ive been raped, beaten, shot at, stabbed, had my right leg broken being beat up, and I live in a very toxic enviroment around the most disfunctional group of family members ever. My father and sister are in love and my mother somehow tolerates it and tries to pretend theyre not. If I have to catch them having sex again, I will have to break my promise to my mother and move out. She makes me feel like if I leave, im abandoning her. But im not. Im tired of the skeletons in this family. Everything is just swept under a rug and we all pretend like were the Brady bunch on Christmas and birthdays. My father is also a preacher. The hypocrisy right. I always tried to maintain a belief and faith in God, until I caught my dad on the couch with my sister. I guess thats why im so ill. It runs in the family. But oddly enough, I love them. Theyre all I have.

After 7 doctors in 4 months, I finally found a doctor sympathetic and understanding enough to prescribe me a anti-anxiety medication other than the useless Busphar and Atarax the other gave me. I was put on clonazepam .05mg 2 times a day. First time ever Ive been on a benzo. Its a outstanding sleep aid. Maybe a little too outstanding. It knocks me out. As for my anxiety. Um, I dont know. To be continued I guess. I dont feel any different. I take it. I wait a hour. Then I start thinking of things or doing certain activities that causes my fear and my anxiety. I cant tell a difference really. Only a slight improvement if any. Would I be able to get on that plane today? Um, no. But Ill give the medication time.

One of the reasons why I felt a lil motivated to post today was cos I dropped one of my mothers plates this morning. Pieces of glass flying everywhere. I swept it up all in one pile and then I just stared at it. I could see parts of myself reflecting from some of the larger broken pieces. I started crying. I dont know why. I got on the floor and i gathered all the pieces and spread them out and I sat there trying to piece them all back together. For 20 minutes im on the floor, my cat occassionally walking across me, trying as hard as I can to concentrate and put all the pieces back together. It shattered into so many pieces. After 20 minutes I just stopped. There was no way i could do it. Too many pieces. It was like looking at this metaphor of my life. Of my broken mind. All my shattered hopes. All my shattered dreams. All my shattered goals. I spent my whole life on this floor trying to piece myself together. Trying to piece my broken mind together. And I cant. I just cant. I cant explain anything. I dont know what I want. I dont know what I feel or believe in. And I dont know what to do. Its never helps for me to dig up there in this brain of mine. Try to find answers. Trying to make decisions. How can I. My mind is broken. I have no control over my thoughts, my emotions, my mood, my anxiety, and especially my fears.

I want to get on that plane. Regardless of my illness, Im clear about that. I love her. I know that. I want to get on that plane more than anything in this world. But it has nothing to do with courage or having the will. A quadriplegic cant will themselves to walk. The doctor told me its genetic. Its a severe illness. And its conquered me.

She waits. I dont know if I will ever get on that plane. How can I? What would it possibly take. If only... if only I could remember what made me sit still and not be afraid.

I could never write this to her...

I love you Roselyn. I dont know if we can ever be together. But I will suffer til death without you. I cant find my way through or around fear. The ocean is not the biggest thing between us. Only my weakness, my illness, the anxiety that attacks me when I take a step towards you, my confusion, my empty soul, and my fear.

Fear comes full circle. There serpants surround me. But..

I love you so much.

your story just made my mouth drop. i kind of don't know what to say. i honestly do know that i feel for you. i am sorry your life is the way it is. my mind is kind of blank as to what to say. im really sorry though.

My heart goes out to you manapart.Please keep trying, all is not lost, it never is, & you have many friends right here.
Big Hugs
Sue

I feel sad for you ManApart. I feel like crying wondering why life has to be this way for some people while others live normally. Can I ask your age? Maybe you shouldn't live with your family anymore since it is causing you so much stress. Take your mother with you or report your father to someone. I just read about different treatments such as EFT and sungazing which can help with anxiety. Maybe you can look into these things. I am and hoping they might help.

Man Apart,

What a tragic life you have lived and are living. I think anyone who has dealt with the issues you have would being feeling the same way.

It sounds to me you are depressed and a medication to treat it would do you wonders.

Just know you can't do anything to change what is happening around you. Only you can change how you choose to deal with it.

Your mother sounds dependent on you and thats to be expected, but if its in your best interest to leave you should. I know it would be hard, but if she could remove herself from the situation it would be best, too.

God Bless you and I will remember you in my prayers.

Hey man,

Youve clearly had it so so bad - Sorry for ya.

If youve managed to get this far then you must be doing something right which proves you have the mental strength but maybe you are using it in the wrong way.

You may have made some wrong choices along the way and by not saying or doing anything you, yourself have let this get as bad as it is.

The thing is now to focus on you, you and only you.

The bullying, etc.. you got when you were young has set the scene for your whole life.

Stick up for yourself and do what you want to do.

I dont know how old you are but im guessing early 20's.

I think you should move out of the terrible life your leading and start a fresh. I realise this is easy for me to say but i dont see an alternative. Your not going to get any happier staying where you are now.

Have you 1 or 2 close friends or uncles or cousins that you can possible move in with for a break or maybe just to talk to???

Talking helps man, dont keep stuff locked up inside becuase it will only make it worse.

People are willing to help you. Just look at the people who have posted replies. They are trying to help you and they dont even know you.

Think positive!!!!!!!!!

Good luck pal, i wish you the best luck in the world. You are stronger than you think.

Rich

First thanks everyone.... ummmm,

I just turned 26. I feel 46. Im getting up there. I know. Tick tock, tick tock. Time running out. You know I still want to go to college, if I can ever overcome these mental issues. But im in the same place I was when I was 21, telling myself this is the time, this is the year, the is the oppurtunity, this is finally my chance. I lose track of time. Last year I didnt know my birthday was coming up until my mom had mention to me that it was on a saturday. I realized what month it was and then realized my birthday was 3 days away. lol. I dont celebrate it, even though my family do try and give me nice things. I find it hard to celebrate anything about my life.

My mom is dependant on me, and im equally dependant on her. Shes the only person I can talk to and trust. If I move out then, I really have noone. I wouldnt move in with anyone ill just go find a little crappy apartment to live in. So im kinda torn, cos I dont want to leave, yet, whats going on is contributing to my illness. Im afraid to walk out of my room because of what they do. Im afraid of catching them again. Seeing her hide in the bathroom, or hearing them jump and my dad standing up with his back to me pretending to be cleaning or something until he can zip up his fly. They swore they stopped and my dad just blames it on satan and he told my mom its a blessing that I caught them, which is such a ridiculous cop out, yet my mom is religious too so she believes him. I say this again, even with all things said, I love them and theyre all I have. We've all failed each other in one way or another, im a dissapointment to them just like ive been dissapointed with their ways. Its all disfunctional. I deal with it best I can. Ive taken every SSRI, and currently on prozac 20 mg and as of last week, clonazepam 0.5. I really dont know if its ever helped. Im giving the clonazepam time.

I really dont dwell about the trauma ive gone through in my past. I dont think the fear was beaten into me I think it was already there and continued to be amplified through traumatic experiences. I do think its genetic. I dont suffer from my past, I suffer from my present and my inability to function, to acheive, to obtain, to overcome, to control my mind, and to take back my life. I dont care about my past anymore. I wanna know why is it everytime I hear a plane fly over my head I have a panic attack. I wanna know why I spent 7 months saving 2,000 dollars for a trip to see the woman I love and promised all these things to, only to realize 6 hours before the flight, the anxiety would not let go of me, it would not give me back my breath, it would not stop turning my stomach, it would not give me back the strength in my legs, it would not take away the dizziness, it would not give me back my ambitions to go to her, it would not give me back all the excitement and joy I had previously, it would not allow me to think about everything I ever dreamed about and looked forward to, it took it all away and replaced it with this excessiveky abnormal anxiety and fear. It was like being choked into submission. And when I finally decided I couldnt go, it just suddenly all went away. $1500 dollars, wasted, no refund. But why. I dont know, I was oblivious to what would happen. I never for a second before that day thought I wouldnt be able to. It is unexplainable. Right now, its really all about her. And why I cant explain the unexplainable and reasons why I cant go there and literally experience something Ive dreamed of for so long.

Why try. Why, why. Why get up why get back up. Why fall again. What can I do. Why keep fighting. Because of her? Because of love? I dont know what love is really. I dont know if it exist. I wanted to find out. I have a burning desire to. I know fear exist, and Im not sure love can even stand near it.

I cant look at these pictures of her anymore. Its like stabbing myself over and over. I try to make up a excuse to keep from talking to her, cos its painful to hear her voice. Everytime she says "I love you" I feel this great swell of guilt. Im so sorry. Im so sorry. Thats all i want to ever say. I should not have.... I didnt know this would happen. You know, those 7 months were blissful. I was chasing a dream. Only to live another nightmare. I cant tell her. I need her but, I cant do anything about "this." This thing inside me. Inside my mind, that controls my thoughts, and my emotions, and attacks all of my hopes.

I wish I could fly her here. I cant, thats the situation. Shes willing but she cant. I have to go there. But I cant. Thats the situation. My heart is willing, but my illness is not. Mind over matter. Fear over love.

I love you. But fear loves me... deeply.

its sue here again,
You CAN take control, , you are putting negative, after negative thoughts into your brain, you are not possessed by some outside demon putting negative thoughts in your brain, YOU are telling yourself that you are useless,You are undermining everything about yourself. ( I have read all your posts,since I couldnt stop thinking about you last night !) YOU and only YOU can take charge.
NO other person was going to change your life, YOU have to do it. You continue to live in a toxic situation, yet you know deep down you have to get out. Let your family decide how they want to live their lives, but you can choose to change yours.Make the Changes happen mate!

.Dont waste them... I have a 20yr old son and if he was in his room everyday , unable to go out, I would drag him to the hospital, doc, therapist, anywhere to get him help,No-one in your house is helping you, so, you have to do it .You and You alone.You described yourself as fat in another post ....jeez ya wanna see my tum at the moment, Im swimming daily so am doing something about it! If you cant leave your room, get some weights,put on the stereo "loud" , dance, exercise, get off the computor and move that butt.If I sound at all harsh, its not intended, its because I and others care, but you have to make the moves. You CAN do it.
You write beautifully.take up a writing course, write a book, just do something . Start with baby steps, and keep moving onwards....... you CAN do this. LIVE IN THE MOMENT !!
I wasted years , I was useless and the list could go on , then I took control, Im no great success story, I just know that you have to take control of your thoughts, talk to yourself over & over, I CAN, I CAN until it becomes a natural way to think. You can do it !

Give your Meds time to kick in as well, and try to find a group type therapy course. You will meet people !

Hey and wassup with the old 46, I am 46!!
Good luck & go for it.

Man Apart,

You really should listen to what ajas and I have been saying. You say you are taking a benzo now and you're waiting for it to kick in. Benzo's aren't like antidepressants though it doesn't take a long period of time before you feel their effects so either you probably have to up the dose or change the benzo. You need to get out more and stop wallowing in your own miseries. The way you write is very self indulgent, trust me I know because I was the same way before. I still am sometimes but now I recognize when I do this and I distract myself and interrupt the negative cyclic thoughts from raining down. You need to take charge of yourself then take some action. Start small work up and stop painting yourself into the corner with constant negative thoughts and outlooks on your life. If your family is contributing to your problems maybe it's time for family therapy. Have you tried that? Have you tried going to group therapy to expand your social life? Seriously you need to do things for yourself to change your life around. If you absolutely cannot find a good combo of meds for easing your symptoms you might want to check out the Amen clinic which performs brain scans on you to see which areas of your brain is over or underactive in order to give you the best combination of drug treatment. Look it up on google. Your life is not over until you say it's over.. you can't say things wont work if you don't give it a try. Goodluck!

Frank

My mom is dependant on me, and im equally dependant on her. Shes the only person I can talk to and trust. If I move out then, I really have noone. I wouldnt move in with anyone ill just go find a little crappy apartment to live in. So im kinda torn, cos I dont want to leave, yet, whats going on is contributing to my illness.

I dont suffer from my past, I suffer from my present and my inability to function, to acheive, to obtain, to overcome, to control my mind, and to take back my life. I dont care about my past anymore. I wanna know why is it everytime I hear a plane fly over my head I have a panic attack. I wanna know why I spent 7 months saving 2,000 dollars for a trip to see the woman I love and promised all these things to, only to realize 6 hours before the flight, the anxiety would not let go of me, it would not give me back my breath, it would not stop turning my stomach, it would not give me back the strength in my legs, it would not take away the dizziness, it would not give me back my ambitions to go to her, it would not give me back all the excitement and joy I had previously, it would not allow me to think about everything I ever dreamed about and looked forward to, it took it all away and replaced it with this excessiveky abnormal anxiety and fear. It was like being choked into submission. And when I finally decided I couldnt go, it just suddenly all went away. $1500 dollars, wasted, no refund. But why. I dont know, I was oblivious to what would happen. I never for a second before that day thought I wouldnt be able to. It is unexplainable. Right now, its really all about her. And why I cant explain the unexplainable and reasons why I cant go there and literally experience something Ive dreamed of for so long.

Why try. Why, why. Why get up why get back up. Why fall again. What can I do. Why keep fighting. Because of her? Because of love? I dont know what love is really. I dont know if it exist. I wanted to find out. I have a burning desire to. I know fear exist, and Im not sure love can even stand near it.

I cant look at these pictures of her anymore. Its like stabbing myself over and over. I try to make up a excuse to keep from talking to her, cos its painful to hear her voice. Everytime she says "I love you" I feel this great swell of guilt. Im so sorry. Im so sorry. Thats all i want to ever say. I should not have.... I didnt know this would happen. You know, those 7 months were blissful. I was chasing a dream. Only to live another nightmare. I cant tell her. I need her but, I cant do anything about "this." This thing inside me. Inside my mind, that controls my thoughts, and my emotions, and attacks all of my hopes.

I wish I could fly her here. I cant, thats the situation. Shes willing but she cant. I have to go there. But I cant. Thats the situation. My heart is willing, but my illness is not. Mind over matter. Fear over love.

I love you. But fear loves me... deeply.

Hi again ManApart,

It is clear why you cannot get on that plane and why you panic all the time. Because you fear change not flying. Think about it. If you got on that plane and were with the woman you love, you may decide to be with her then you will start planning your future together and your life will start to change. You will feel like you are "letting your mother down" because you are focusing on the woman you love instead of "being there" for your mom and leaving her. You will also have to let go of your dependancy on your mother because now you will have the responsibility of taking care of yourself and the woman you love. As strange as it may be, you feel comfortable in your current lifestyle because that is what you have known for so long and being with this other woman would mean leaving your lifestyle now and all kinds of change. I think the change is what you fear, not the flying. These are just my thoughts.

Hey Sue. No point intended with the 46 comment. I just feel like a ancient 26. I never put negative thoughts in my head. When you dont have the answer to something thats not being negative. Does my mind go on this anxiety induced thinking process. Yes. Its like a mind that has a mind of its own. No, I dont believe in demonic possessions. I just believe that theres a mental trigger inside my mind that affect, influence, and ultimately decides the changes, decisions, and aspirations I have in life. I read something recently about how the mind processes fear. How this part of the brain sends singals to that part of the brain and so on. Then you have all these feelings you go through mentally and physically. I think on some abnormal level mine is substaintially screwed up, for lack of a better word. I guess thats what all of this is about right? Why were all here, why Sculpture has this fear of dying, why people suffer with panic disorder, anxiety and phobias of all types. IT IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. Just a mental one. And everyone suffer from it differently.

I know noone can change my life. I never was intending for this woman to take away all my problems, but the depression and loneliness that I was suffering from at that specific time was leading me to suicide. I was in a dark place. I cant even explain or describe where I was mentally at that time. I came a LONG way from where I was thank goodness. I was sinking with my head under quicksand, and desperately reaching out for help before I had to make the ultimate decision in life. I did things people advised. Ive invested money into psychiatrists and programs and groups and have been hospitalized. But they only put a little bit of sand in the hourglass. Bought me a little time, broke the darkness for a week or two, then it wore off. I hospitalized myself. They monitored me, talked with me, encouraged me, went to groups, then once my insurance decided they werent paying for me to stay any longer I left. It helped, bought me time, few more grains of sand. Then wore off. You can feel when your just about to lose it. On the edge of insanity. Dont care what it takes, just have to stop the pain and anguish at any cost. I called 911. I had a medical group arrive at my house 3 times a week to talk to me and make sure I was taking medication. I was on suicide watch. It wasnt until I met her that everything changed. She saved my life. She doesnt know it. She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the quicksand. Shes had a impact on me. Gave me something no doctor, pill, psychiastrist, family or friend could ever give me and thats why I feel the way I do towards her. Cos thats all it took. I spent my life being hated, and it took one person to teach me something I never learned.. Love. Ive succeeded in one area. I was able to take myself out of that dark place and decide no matter how bad things get, nothing is so bad that it warrants me taking my life. Ill always be able to find a way to survive. Too many people out there going through worst things than me for me to not at least appreciate the things I do have in life that others dont.
I am a survivor. Ive made enormous efforts in the last 7 years trying to defeat whatever problem I have. Its like fighting this invisible entity. Noone can say I didnt try every possible thing within my financial and intellectual boundaries. Yeah there were times I threw my hands up and succumbed to the depression and anxiety. But I have never just sat here and remain content to live this way and never will.

The family issue is just as complicated as my mind. Like I said. Im torn. Its not that easy for me to just pack up and go, but not so easy for me to stay. These are people who love me and have supported me. But their support has been solely this campaign to get me closer to God. I find it very difficult trying to have a rational conversation with my religious family. Every thing ends with "just pray over it." I dont know if I believe in God or not. All I know is ive spent years praying and trying to "find God." I see so much suffering and tragedy in this world, its so hard for me to believe in anything good. Im not going to fake it like my father. But if there is a God, he knows my heart is pure.
Frank, I dont wallow in my own miseries. What does that mean? I write about the fact that I suffer from something I dont understand so Im wallowing? People say that all the time, "get out more." Go where? Night clubs? Disneyland? More support groups? I spent 7 months with the most positive outlook on life I ever had. Maybe I was outlooking a little too far and put too much pressure on myself. I had all this energy and motivation. I would go there, bring her here, get married, move to a new home, I had all these plans. I felt I was almost freed. I cant say this enough. It never became more apparent to me how severe my anxiety disorder was until that day before my flight. Ive had panic attacks before but I never thought that would have happened. I cant even explain it. I crashed right into a brick wall. I took charge, got a second job, saved, in the phone book looking for doctors, planned, worked hard, started taking care of myself, lost a few pounds. Ok, more like a few ounces. But still I was striving full speed ahead. Never felt more confident. I took charge, and then it took charge of me. I tell you people like I told my family and doctors. There was nothing I could do. I felt guilty about not getting on that plane but I cant beat myself up over it because I fought hard. I cant defeat something I dont understand. I dont know why I was doubled over my bed trying to pack clothes like I was shoveling bricks into a suitcase. I dont know why I was shaking. I dont know why my stomach was tearing me apart. That hold day all I did was try to think of everything positive. Thinking of us together, telling myself I can do it, just a few more hours. Then I asked myself, what the hell is going on? Whats happening to me. I dont understand. You know in some ways I overcame depression. Depression is one thing. Depression has never physically took away my ability to breathe, walk, and function. Its just a condition of severe mental anguish. Anxiety and panic attacks are remarkably controlling. It can bring you to your knees, make you pass out, dizzy, and put the fear of death in you and you cant explain why.

Your right I may have to request upping the dose cos I feel little difference. And Ill definitely look into other things. I realized all the years I fought depression was because of my anxiety. I realize the pattern now. When I couldnt hold a job or stay in college, I became depressed. Depression was never the source. Fortunately im not particularly depressed now. But I will be if I cant get on the plane and lose her. I know where itll take me. Back to that dark place.
Sculpture made a great point. I dont have a fear of flying. Ive never been on a plane but I know would enjoy the experience. I, think. 7 months prior to last november I smiled everytime i saw a plane. Now, I cringe. I remember I was digging inside my head one night. I had a panic attack. I ran into my bathroom and looked in the mirror. I ran warm water over my hands cos for some reason it kind of helps weirdly. I dug in there and pulled out something I feared. It was that I didnt know whether or not I would be able to live with someone. Ive been isolated for so long, I had no idea if I could live with her. Ive lived in these conditions for so long. It would literally be going from one extreme way of living to the next. But I know one thing for certain. I love her and I do want to be with her. Im taking a different approach to it this time. First, being treated with anxiety medication. Second, just think, trip only, nothing pass that, just go there first, cos when I come back nothing will be changed, thats the first big step. See how it feels being with her, see what it will be like, come back home and make a decision. Nothing will change. Someone else said it perfectly. This direction in my life attacks every part of security I feel in my subconscious. It threatens my the comfort zone I have lived in. But I want to be with her, that means I have to cross through that fear of change. Unfortunately i wish it was that simple. Theres more complicated issues. Its not just change. Cos, right now I know that my life wont change if I just go there. Theres other massive areas of fear that causes the anxiety that I cant explain. Its almost like its just the whole general capacity of this event Im trying to embark on. Going alone, 10, 000 miles away. 36 hours to and from. 7 different cities. Other side of the world. I mean im agoraphobic, its hard for me to go to the store or to movies sometimes. This is something Ive never done before or experienced. Im afriad that the clonazepam isnt going to help. And I dare cant speak of the dreaded Xanax to any doctor. Oh no, not that. They would never prescribe it. Next time I see him Ill just ask for him to increase the dosage and hope it will help. But Im looking into other things as well. I just, I dont know if ill ever make it. But im trying. But like always, Ive always tried. And hoped against hope endlessly. This would be like a fantasy vacation to anyone else. But to me it makes me feel like im travelling to purgatory. Oneday i can look at her picture with all this inspiration and courage and say, im not going to fail you. And next day Im crying over her pictures saying, im sorry, I cant. If only I could just stay in that fearless moment. But no matter what I do, its there. It was always there. It waits. Its infinitely patient. Unsympathetic. Just when I feel like Im free and can live again. It just comes and takes everything away. And it has become increasingly efficient at destroying my life.

..........

>>It wasnt until I met her that everything changed. She saved my life. She doesnt know it. She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the quicksand. Shes had a impact on me. Gave me something no doctor, pill, psychiastrist, family or friend could ever give me and thats why I feel the way I do towards her. Cos thats all it took. I spent my life being hated, and it took one person to teach me something I never learned.. Love. <<

This is the key here. It's not really another person though. Your quest in life should be figuring out how to unleash the cure that's available in all of us intrinsically. I said in another thread to you that the love we feel for others is something that is generated inside of us. She doesn't throw feelings inside your mind and body.. nobody does. WE create those feelings. Our perceptions and beliefs are ALL internally generated and the key is how to create those feelings for yourself. It takes a LOT of reprogramming. You speak of love but what's your definition? That you whole heartedly believe in something else greater than yourself? That might be one definition but ultimately self defeating since without love for yourself you can never truly love.. you'd just honestly be dependent. The goal for you is finding self esteem. Self love.. but I guess that was never an option for your life due to your toxic family background. Now you have all that baggage (beliefs ideas perceptions) about yourself that's ingrained within your psyche that you have to somehow come to grips with and transend how are you going to do that? Are you willing to do that? That should be the question you must pose for yourself. To do it you need a multipronged approach to break the cycle of your life up at as many different points as possible.

First you need a mentor.. not a lover.. a mentor, I dunno who that might be for you but it has to be someone who you can place your trust and can coach you in your life decisions. You need a social circle. I don't know how you are going to get that but support groups are one start, slowly inching your way into some community recreational classes would be another way. You probably need medication to dull the initial resistance your psyche has to these new things. You need to change your diet, and daily habits to something completely different in order to promote new neuro pathways in your brain to promote actual physical change in your brain. You need to change your living environment by moving out of your moms place and into another place to get yourself together. If its too much move close by so you can come over everyday if you'd like. You need therapy to figure out which parts of your life are toxic, which beliefs you have are toxic, and what your underlying insecurities are, and what are the various life altering elements have been in your youth that have made you the way you are. If you were born this way therapy will help you figure that part out as well. It might involve family therapy where your mom and dad have to also get into therapy alongside with you. All this is a long road but you probably gotta do it ALL in order to fix yourself. The decision whether or not to go through all of that is up to you. For now all anyone else can do including your girlfriend is to keep your head above water so to speak and hope you find your way. Good luck.

Regards,

Frank

When your post has been edited by a Moderator don't go back and re-edit the post again yourself, doing so can lead to banning.

nobody can live without hope!! It sounds like you've had a horrible life but I've seen people like you and sometimes when there is no way out and looks hopeless that's where faith in God can help. I know you've probably heard that before but your emotions and spirit need healing and I'm afraid there is no pill that can do that but God can do the impossible in your mind and life. I know - I've seen it happen. So if you really feel like you are at the end maybe you could find a good Bible believing church like an evangelical church and talk with a counselor and minister. I will be praying for you!! You have to believe in something!! You have to get hope back!! God Bless!

Manapart, My brain works like yours. I'm twice your age and just beginning to figure things out. I have no real advice. I just thought it might help to know you're not the only one. I am praying you find a better home; it wouldn't fix things, but it would be better.

It doesn't matter kate. I appreciate your compliments or sarcasm, whichever I suppose, but Im not a good writer. People told me the same things when I would write in group therapy sessions. "Oh you write so beautifully, blah, etc." I dont know. I just try the best I can to describe what im feeling. I put my emotions in words. I dont write for sympathy, I write because I dont know where else to put these feelings. I see nothing remarkable about being able to write about suffering.

Ive known her since May of last year, planned to see her last november, so yeah it does seem like forever. Im not rich and it cost alot to travel 9,000 miles from one obscure city to another. Maybe your have a point. I should give her her life back, stop trying to feed her hope when im starving for some. I keep telling her Ill come there eventually. But maybe it just isnt meant. I dont know, I just refuse to stop trying to find any possible way I can defeat this crippling disorder. 9,000 miles through air is nothing. Were a billion miles apart just from my fears. Im just not there yet. I rebooked a 2nd time for Janurary 8th. I quickly cancelled cos I knew there was just not way I could. I hadnt even found a decent doctor to prescribe me any type of potent anxiety med yet at that time. Im saving again. Going through the motions just like before. I bought a lil DVD player to take, and a portable video game, and if possible maybe a wireless laptop computer too, to kill time or take my mind off of things while travelling. Even saving to take someone with me cos I think that would put a huge dent into the fear I have if I had someone with me. It doesnt even matter who, a sister, friend, cousin, Ill pay for everything, im just trying to do every little single thing possible that will help reduce my anxiety to a manageable point where I can get on that plane and meet her and not have to go through what I went through in november again.

But like I said, I dont know what will happen "the day before." Thats the moment I fear and think about. Its easy to pack my clothes and rebook now and plan and save and do all the things i did before. But I cant recreate the day before. Even when I take the clonazepam and started packing my clothes, and going through flights online, its not the same cos im not leaving tomorrow. I felt tension a week before the flight, but that was nothing. That was just nervousness mixed with a little excitement. The day before felt like I was being mentally and emotionally assaulted and my mind got picked apart thoroughly. You know like the movie invasion of the body snatchers, felt like my mind was snatched for that moment. I couldnt fight the severe anxiety that strangled me until I gave in to it.

Thanks Ms Mod and Frank, but its ok. It doesnt bother me. I dont know any other way to write. I mean what would someone prefer?..."Hi everyone my name is Rod, I had a severe panic attack before boarding a flight to meet a girl I love, I dont know why or understand cos I dont have a fear of flying, can someone help me understand and give me a solution? Thanks!"

Hmm maybe your right, simple and to the point, just like this simple illness.

HI ya, its Sue, have been unable to reply, Im doing this from work!So have to make it quick. Excellent idea to try and take a friend with you,perhaps even advertise, theres a lot of people around that may also benefit from having a flying partner.! Thought what might be good is to take a shorter flight first, that may help,or can Roz?meet you somewhere in between, have a holiday together and see how you go.Also that would give the relationship a try-out.I am suggesting this as you are hell-bent on going and thats good, but dont make it the be end of all things. get yourself better first, Are you trying positive affirmatives yet? Thats a Start, How is the "weight" going?
have you tried any of Franks suggestions, he is definetly right. I would really like to log on and read that you have started to make small changes to yourself,Big changes as the days+months get easier.Coz they will get better for you , as soon as you choose too, you will battle and have set backs but you will have learnt coping skills, plus you will be so busy being positive, you need to learn that foremost. I have no more tips for you, you are armed with all the info that there is so please put it to good use.
Thoughts are with you,
SUE

:confused: Hi Man Apart,
It has bothered me for days since my last post.....guess I was having a bad day!! I DO suffer from anxiety/panic attacks.....also have been just recently diagnosed with Hep C :confused:
Have not seen the specialist yet and am anxious......sorry I took it out on you................ :confused:

Thanks for taking time Sue. Im pondering the idea of taking someone with me. I may not have a choice if the clonazepam doesnt work as well as I need for it to. I wish there was a shorter flight. You know its weird when I think about it. If it was only a 15 hour flight, I would have already been there. I could have gone. I think the length of the trip overwhelmed me along with everything else. 30+ hours to and from. Going through 7 different cities, changing planes, having to wait 6,7,8 hours at a time at airports in places ive never been being alone and so far away from home. What if I got stuck or something happened or I got lost. Id go insane. In this instance there really isnt a shorter flight in existence. If only it could be 20 hours or below maybe. The best I could do is fly her to the capitol of her country and meet her there. But I dunno. I am hell bent. I will take extreme drastic measures if I must. I just need her to be patient.

My weight? um, no comment. Im doing all i can. Im trying thats all i can do right now. Im trying. I dont know if any of your really can understand the severity of my illness. Its not oneof those, stand up, take charge, think positive, type of situations. Its a manifestation of fear that I cant come close to understanding. And I thank everything everyone has said. Your right, there is probably nothing more you can say and help me with, so I thank you. Take care.

Its ok Kate. Im sorry for what your going through. Dont let it bother you. I have bad days too. I just hope you understand where im coming from. Good luck seeing the specialist. Take care.

You know I promised myself if I ever was to overcome this. I swore to myself and to God if hes listening. I would dedicate my life to helping people who suffer what Ive suffered. I would go back to school, get my degree in psychology(heck ive done so much research on it already I would breeze by alot of it) and I would dedicate my life to helping others who have to live with this unfair and debilitating disease.

Ever thought of making an extended vacation out of it? Instead of waiting at the airports for several hours maybe make it a long trip by staying at these cities overnight to rest and recover before moving on to the next flight. It may take longer to get there but maybe it might be easier if you slept over in these cities overnight. The trip wont seem so daunting that way.

-Frank

:) HERE,HERE !!

Would love to do the same myself!!

When you are feeling better, and you will.....I already see a spark in your writing.........I know!! you will be able to fulfill your dreams!!

Life is much too short, as I have realized lately. I look at my 4 kids, see the life and dreams in them.....the energy and desire for life that they have and smile....if only to have that clean, pure and honest outlook on the future.
They are 18,17,14 and 10!
WOW! I love those kids!! :angel:

Man Apart...

How deeply troubled I am to hear of your sorrows. I cannot believe that someone who has been through what you have been through can have such a level-headed demeanor and such a non-chalant frame of mind. I know you've told us your age, but for your age, you're far ahead of most of the people in your age group for maturity. Yes, you've had a lot of bad things happen to you during those years, but with some luck, effort, and karma...things will turn out all the better for you. I truly wish nothing but the best for you and your endeavors. If it means that you need to leave all that you know as comforting and homely, be that as it may, but for all sakes, make YOU happy first, and let the rest fall into place.

Good luck going forward,

Peace and good tidings...

G

Sorry to send 2 separate replies, but have you ever thought of taking up a hobby that no-one else in your family has interest in? Something that you'd have to seek out other people to enjoy? Photography? Writing? Drawing? Archery? Fencing? Basketweaving? I'm not trying to be cute, but something that you've never tried before and something that you've always have wanted to try...give that a shot! Meeting people with similar interests can sometimes open up a door of opportunity and fulfillment!

Good luck!

G

I am forever grateful to my sister for giving me a book called "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Milliman. I was generally unhappy in life and i couldnt figure out why i was so unhappy. This book turned my life around and i now truly realize how blessed we all are to be alive every day. Its all in your head "manapart". If you could just quiet your mind, you would realize that everything truly is alright. Best of luck , people do care about you or they would not be posting.

i can empathize with much that you say. i can not understand everything that you are going through, as many of our experiences differ, yet there are great similiarities. i do understand to a degree, the depression and anxiety, as i struggled with both, and still do. i often feel lost, as i rarley ever feel understood, so emotional connention is difficult for me. but one thing that has helped me personally, very much so, is music. through music i have felt understood, like i wasnt alone, my emotions had a release. the ones that helped me most were, the smashing pumpkins, the cure, and the first cd of the counting crowes. through them i felt a connection that i needed to feel alive. music is universal so it can be anything that touches you in some way. i also used to also struggle with wanting to belive in god. i have come to a place now, where i am okay with, and do not feel guilt with the fact that i do not. ive been looking into more eastern thought which has felt more at home with me.
i dont want to ramble, but ill listen to anything on your mind. your not alone, and there are many people here that care about you, and will work with and be patient with you until you can see the good in you, yourself. so ill quit rambling for now, but just know that you are not alone, and that all is not hopeless, no matter how much so it may seem now. i have been there too, in a different way, but still, there. do take care of yourself, and let the people here be there for you.

Manapart,

You sound VERY strong in your mind. Stronger than you think! You aren't realizing it because you are dwelling more on the negative and not so much on the good things. God is giving you a gift of strength and you are more or less saying, "no, thanks". The strength is there, I am hearing it and it is in your heart as well until you start going down that negative road again. Use your strength!! You can do it and be happy, believe it! You want so much for yourself and change is hard and exciting at the same time. Don't let fear win! Let God win! He is giving you the strength to better yourself. You've seen so much bad for so long, it's hard to accept something good that is coming your way. Do it! Change your life, you have the want to do it! Ask God to be with you and you will prevail!!!!!

God Bless you!!!!

Singer

hello there, we havent heard from you in a few days, i and i am just hoping that you are doing as well as can be. i am far from where i want to be, and i am findally onsome meds, that i refused to take for some time, and there have been a couple other thngs that i have been able to do that have helped me a little bit. i guess one that i had the hardest time doing, is simply being able to reach out to people, for fear of being judged, critisized, or a lack of understanding. i have found a few people in my life that i am now able to talk to, and that have come to genuninley care about me, for who i am, and where i am at, and when taht gift is given to you, slowly you are able to see some of your own self worth. also, another thing that i have found, is reaching out to those that are in need. i have a friend now, who is terminally ill with lung cancer. he is a wonderful soul, been through more than his share of pain, and has no family and very few friends. it gives me great joy to know that i can be there for him, to help in anyway possible, even if is simply to sit and listen to whatever is on his mind at the time. with all the pain in the world, there is just as much beauty, yet so many are so jaded by their past, by their pain, that beuty is clouded over and almost impossible to see or appreciate. its all the little things. and i do understand much of what youve gone through. i was molested as a child by my adoptive father. for years i wanted nothing to do with him, except i did allow him as a part of our lives as he had three grandchildren. but there was always a sense of shame and worthlesness that simply envelpoed me. for some time i played around with the thought of suiced, and cut my wrists. and finally it got to the point that i did make a serious attempt and ended up in a hospital for a week. i had so much anger towards my father that i did not understand. until he was diagnosed with cancer. i took him to some of his chemo appts. but there came a disagreement and the time i was supposed to pick him up for the appt. he left without me. and then we didnt talk much, even after he was admitted to the hospital. i didnt go until he told me that he had ten weeks to live, which only turned out to be a week. i went to see him on a friday, and saw this weak, frail dying HUMAN BEING and it was at that point that i was able to let it all go, to forgive him, and to simply love him. i was able to see him as a scared, hurt child who has been hurt when he was a child, and never got help, and unfortunatley took it out on my brother and i. ....i dont know, im ramblingnow, but i havvvve felt that despair, immoblizing hopelessness, but i am learnig NOT to let my experiences define who i am. i am learning to find out who i am on my own, and am learning that i am an okay person.....anyway, i know im rambling and im sure that you have heard it all before, but just know from where i was even just a year ago, to where i am now, i know there is hope. it is a gradual proccess, yet certainly not impossible. i just wish you the best. keep coming here for supprt. we all care.

im just trying to do every little single thing possible that will help reduce my anxiety to a manageable point where I can get on that plane and meet her and not have to go through what I went through in november again.


Have you ever give a try to MAGNESIUM ? When I take 1 gm of elemental magnesium I see my fears fading away within 1-2 hours. In addition it has a very low toxicity profile if any.

On the other hand, if your intake of calcium is high it may suppress or decrease the action of Mg.

Increasing one's Mg / Ca ratio is a simple but very unknown way to boost your synaptic level of serotonin (like SSRIs but w/o sides-effects) :)

Hope this helps.

rose_5-HT