soontobemarried
09-08-2003, 03:27 PM
My dad has been diagnosed with cancer and has already been through surgery, second round of kemo and has recently started radiation. In June the doc's found he had a tumor in his rectum and cancerous spots on his liver and lymphnoids. July 1, he had surgery which removed the tumor and gave him a colostomy bag.
My problem stems from coping with all this and showing compasion. At first, the shock brought sadness but now I don't feel. I've never been a daddy's girl and we have never really been close. My parents have been married for 30 years but it hasn't been easy. I still live at home so I know on a day to day basis what is going on. I can't pull myself to hug him and to sit down to talk about how he is feeling. I admit I am running but I don't know how to stop. I feel bad that I can't show him compasion but I freeze. My mom asked me how I'm feeling about everything but I had no answer. Am I hurting him more by not showing him the compasion and how do I put the past behind inorder to let myself not have regrets later on?
I hope someone understands. Sorry for the length of the message.
My problem stems from coping with all this and showing compasion. At first, the shock brought sadness but now I don't feel. I've never been a daddy's girl and we have never really been close. My parents have been married for 30 years but it hasn't been easy. I still live at home so I know on a day to day basis what is going on. I can't pull myself to hug him and to sit down to talk about how he is feeling. I admit I am running but I don't know how to stop. I feel bad that I can't show him compasion but I freeze. My mom asked me how I'm feeling about everything but I had no answer. Am I hurting him more by not showing him the compasion and how do I put the past behind inorder to let myself not have regrets later on?
I hope someone understands. Sorry for the length of the message.
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reneeintx
09-08-2003, 04:23 PM
Soontobemarried~
I'm sorry about your situation. My dad doesn't have cancer but if he did I would feel exactly the same way as you. My dad has never been close to me or any of my sisters. He never really seemed like he gave a hoot about us kids :( I guess my mom is the one that wanted us.
My dad was abusive to us and my mom. I've been married 18 years and I think he's only called me twice.
If my dad had cancer I don't know if I could hug him or feel compassion. I cringe when I see him. I'm glad we live 16 hours apart. I know two wrongs don't make a right but the hurt, abuse and uncaring is very deep.
I understand from your post you just weren't close with your dad and not the situation I have, I think I'd show my dad some sort of "fake" compassion for my mom's sake and to keep my mind from feeling regret, but I know deep down "real" compassion wouldn't be there because my heart would not be in it.
I understand what you're saying, even though our situations are different.
Renee
[This message has been edited by reneeintx (edited 09-08-2003).]
I'm sorry about your situation. My dad doesn't have cancer but if he did I would feel exactly the same way as you. My dad has never been close to me or any of my sisters. He never really seemed like he gave a hoot about us kids :( I guess my mom is the one that wanted us.
My dad was abusive to us and my mom. I've been married 18 years and I think he's only called me twice.
If my dad had cancer I don't know if I could hug him or feel compassion. I cringe when I see him. I'm glad we live 16 hours apart. I know two wrongs don't make a right but the hurt, abuse and uncaring is very deep.
I understand from your post you just weren't close with your dad and not the situation I have, I think I'd show my dad some sort of "fake" compassion for my mom's sake and to keep my mind from feeling regret, but I know deep down "real" compassion wouldn't be there because my heart would not be in it.
I understand what you're saying, even though our situations are different.
Renee
[This message has been edited by reneeintx (edited 09-08-2003).]
soontobemarried
09-08-2003, 05:18 PM
Thanks Renee~
My dad was never abusive but he liked to drink. He was never verbally nice when he drank. My brother who is 25 has been closer to our dad but it's because they have similiar interests/hobbies. If it was up to dad, they would of never had kids. It was very rare that he would hug or say "I love you" and I know that plays a role in why I can't do that for him now. It has also gotten to the point were I can't pull myself to hug my mom when she starts to cry. Again, I run.
I can't even pull myself to fake it.
My dad was never abusive but he liked to drink. He was never verbally nice when he drank. My brother who is 25 has been closer to our dad but it's because they have similiar interests/hobbies. If it was up to dad, they would of never had kids. It was very rare that he would hug or say "I love you" and I know that plays a role in why I can't do that for him now. It has also gotten to the point were I can't pull myself to hug my mom when she starts to cry. Again, I run.
I can't even pull myself to fake it.
HoosierBj
09-08-2003, 06:04 PM
Your Dad may be pretty tired of long, compassionate, sad faces already...
It's possible that just treating him normally (rather than talking about cancer, death, fears, etc) may be exactly what you have to give and what he needs.
Just listening may also be something that wouldn't require you to put on a front. Many people with terminal illnessess want to just "shoot the breeze", OR, talk about stuff they did when they were young, or about their parents, or how he met your Mom.
Many do what is called a "Life Review" where they sort out their life and what kind of meaning it had. Since you are emotionally estranged from him right now, it may be that just Listening will help you BOTH have the best relationhip you can at this point.
And it doesn't have to be for hours either!
It's possible that just treating him normally (rather than talking about cancer, death, fears, etc) may be exactly what you have to give and what he needs.
Just listening may also be something that wouldn't require you to put on a front. Many people with terminal illnessess want to just "shoot the breeze", OR, talk about stuff they did when they were young, or about their parents, or how he met your Mom.
Many do what is called a "Life Review" where they sort out their life and what kind of meaning it had. Since you are emotionally estranged from him right now, it may be that just Listening will help you BOTH have the best relationhip you can at this point.
And it doesn't have to be for hours either!
soontobemarried
09-08-2003, 06:15 PM
HoosierBj,
Good advise because that might be all I can give right now. In my mind I need to give more but I can't. It's not that I'm holding a grudge and can't let the past lie, it's more that we never had that kind of relationship.
I have seen him hold grudges and I have always sworn that I wouldn't do that. I'm going to keep that promise to myself.
Thanks again.
Good advise because that might be all I can give right now. In my mind I need to give more but I can't. It's not that I'm holding a grudge and can't let the past lie, it's more that we never had that kind of relationship.
I have seen him hold grudges and I have always sworn that I wouldn't do that. I'm going to keep that promise to myself.
Thanks again.
MomOf4PreciousHearts
09-08-2003, 08:16 PM
My father died last year from cancer. I wasn't close to him. He didn't raise me. I was raised by another "pop". I knew I *had* another, actual biological father and he would come and visit once in a very great while - I saw him maybe a half dozen or dozen times during the years I was growing up. Maybe not that much. Not much. Always just short visits.
He was always pretty distant and he had a hard time showing feeling - If he came close to showing any feeling at all, it was usually in "picking" or in criticism. Neither one I enjoyed much. But it was an attempt on his part.
As the years went on, I tried to get a little closer to him, but he was so far away, distance wise - I think we made some progress. Nothing major but I did hear the words "I love you" a few times in the last few years.
He didn't support me or my sisters and brother. He didn't spend time with us. He didn't raise us. But - as I grew - I came to understood that he had had a difficult time of things, had some problems, and letting us be raised by someone else was maybe one of the kinder, more thoughtful things he did for us - It might not have been the easiest thing to do - to let us go - but maybe he did so for OUR sakes -
I grew to respect him - even though he wasn't the perfect father - I have grown to understand that we all have regrets - none of us are perfect - I wish I could be much much more to my own children than I am - I'm sure he wished he could have been more, done more, too.
I didn't know my father very much or really much about him, but I respect him as he WAS my father. I wish he didn't have to have died when he did - I wish I could have gotten to know him better and as an old grampa to my own children - but that didn't happen. He took a wrong turn in life, got off track, and it derailed him for years so to speak - I don't hold that against him. I forgive him - 100% for whatever, whenever, however - and hope he is in heaven. Someday I hope to get to heaven , too, and hope we can then get to know each other without all these earthly, sinful faults -
I hope he was saved before he passed on. I'll never know in this lifetime, I guess.
He was always pretty distant and he had a hard time showing feeling - If he came close to showing any feeling at all, it was usually in "picking" or in criticism. Neither one I enjoyed much. But it was an attempt on his part.
As the years went on, I tried to get a little closer to him, but he was so far away, distance wise - I think we made some progress. Nothing major but I did hear the words "I love you" a few times in the last few years.
He didn't support me or my sisters and brother. He didn't spend time with us. He didn't raise us. But - as I grew - I came to understood that he had had a difficult time of things, had some problems, and letting us be raised by someone else was maybe one of the kinder, more thoughtful things he did for us - It might not have been the easiest thing to do - to let us go - but maybe he did so for OUR sakes -
I grew to respect him - even though he wasn't the perfect father - I have grown to understand that we all have regrets - none of us are perfect - I wish I could be much much more to my own children than I am - I'm sure he wished he could have been more, done more, too.
I didn't know my father very much or really much about him, but I respect him as he WAS my father. I wish he didn't have to have died when he did - I wish I could have gotten to know him better and as an old grampa to my own children - but that didn't happen. He took a wrong turn in life, got off track, and it derailed him for years so to speak - I don't hold that against him. I forgive him - 100% for whatever, whenever, however - and hope he is in heaven. Someday I hope to get to heaven , too, and hope we can then get to know each other without all these earthly, sinful faults -
I hope he was saved before he passed on. I'll never know in this lifetime, I guess.