Hope2Heal
01-20-2005, 07:28 AM
Hi everyone
I sadly write to tell everyone the terrible news. It helps for me to talk to others about it. My due date was Feb. 8 and I have been posting on the Feb. moms boards occaisionally and have posted other boards including questions about decreased fetal movement, gestational diabetes and other concerns.
Last week I began having severe cramping. My doctor told me to try tylenol and a hot shower, that it could be braxton hicks. I was having more than 10 contractions every half hour but that did not seem to concern anyone to have me come right in. However the tylenol seemed to help and i slept the whole day. Later i had mild cramps which turned into severe cramps again by middle of night. When i woke up I was having bleeding of the brownish color. They told me to come right in. Throughout the whole cramping episode, the baby was extremely active. However the morning of the bleeding, I did not feel him at all. They began monitoring me at the hospital with a Non stress test and contraction test. it appeared after 3 hours of testing that the baby was not moving and heartbeat, while still in normal range, was taking irregular dips. They performed an emergency C-section that my husband was unable to attend. They put me out with general anesthesia. When I came to, I was in extreme pain and was asking for my baby. The doctor told me "He didn't make it. He never took a breath."
That was the most devastating moment of my life. Of course I asked why and are you sure and all of that. They let me hold him. He was perfect, over 5 pounds with all his body parts intact. They said they tried every means to revive him for over an hour but he never breathed on his own or with artificial means.
I cannot tell you how heartbroken my husband I am. This is our first child and it took us years to conceive him. Other than the diabetes, and some swelling, I never had major complications. Of course I am blaming myself and the doctors that I should have been more carefully monitored due to the diabetes and the fact that I was having periods of decreased fetal movement starting about 4-6 weeks ago. But he would always start moving again so I didn't think it was a problem. I am being told not to blame myself but it is difficult not to.
WE named him Patrick and I did get to hold him 3 times. It was so difficult to look at his dead little body and see all my hopes and dreams die with him. I have been home since the weekend and it has been over a week since his death. I made him a memorial in his room with photographs the hospital took, hand and footprints, hair snippings, flowers, stuffed animals, etc. I cry everyday and my heart hurts terribly.
Has anyone gone through something like this? If so I would love to hear from you as to how you got through it.
Also, I would like to warn pregnant moms, if you ever have ANY question about fetal movement, or feel something is not right, please demand to get yourself monitored immedietly. You may feel stupid if it is nothing, but nohting compares to the feeling of you could of done more in the end. Decreased fetal movement is a sign of fetal distress. Please take good care of yourselves moms and I wish you all the best for beautiful healthy babies.
Hope2heal
I sadly write to tell everyone the terrible news. It helps for me to talk to others about it. My due date was Feb. 8 and I have been posting on the Feb. moms boards occaisionally and have posted other boards including questions about decreased fetal movement, gestational diabetes and other concerns.
Last week I began having severe cramping. My doctor told me to try tylenol and a hot shower, that it could be braxton hicks. I was having more than 10 contractions every half hour but that did not seem to concern anyone to have me come right in. However the tylenol seemed to help and i slept the whole day. Later i had mild cramps which turned into severe cramps again by middle of night. When i woke up I was having bleeding of the brownish color. They told me to come right in. Throughout the whole cramping episode, the baby was extremely active. However the morning of the bleeding, I did not feel him at all. They began monitoring me at the hospital with a Non stress test and contraction test. it appeared after 3 hours of testing that the baby was not moving and heartbeat, while still in normal range, was taking irregular dips. They performed an emergency C-section that my husband was unable to attend. They put me out with general anesthesia. When I came to, I was in extreme pain and was asking for my baby. The doctor told me "He didn't make it. He never took a breath."
That was the most devastating moment of my life. Of course I asked why and are you sure and all of that. They let me hold him. He was perfect, over 5 pounds with all his body parts intact. They said they tried every means to revive him for over an hour but he never breathed on his own or with artificial means.
I cannot tell you how heartbroken my husband I am. This is our first child and it took us years to conceive him. Other than the diabetes, and some swelling, I never had major complications. Of course I am blaming myself and the doctors that I should have been more carefully monitored due to the diabetes and the fact that I was having periods of decreased fetal movement starting about 4-6 weeks ago. But he would always start moving again so I didn't think it was a problem. I am being told not to blame myself but it is difficult not to.
WE named him Patrick and I did get to hold him 3 times. It was so difficult to look at his dead little body and see all my hopes and dreams die with him. I have been home since the weekend and it has been over a week since his death. I made him a memorial in his room with photographs the hospital took, hand and footprints, hair snippings, flowers, stuffed animals, etc. I cry everyday and my heart hurts terribly.
Has anyone gone through something like this? If so I would love to hear from you as to how you got through it.
Also, I would like to warn pregnant moms, if you ever have ANY question about fetal movement, or feel something is not right, please demand to get yourself monitored immedietly. You may feel stupid if it is nothing, but nohting compares to the feeling of you could of done more in the end. Decreased fetal movement is a sign of fetal distress. Please take good care of yourselves moms and I wish you all the best for beautiful healthy babies.
Hope2heal
Sponsor
Kiera1595
01-20-2005, 07:39 AM
Through my tears I can say nothing but that my thoughts are with you. I am so sorry.
mpsweetie77
01-20-2005, 08:20 AM
I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your husband.
mommaboyz
01-20-2005, 09:37 AM
Im so sorry now youve got me worried with all the cramps ive been having. Im promising myself now next time I get them Im going to be monitored. Im so sorry for your loss. I cant say ive been there but my heart goes out to you and you dh. Im sure he was beautiful. If I may ask you did you have contractions all the time on and off leading up to this point? Im not trying to be rude I know your in alot of pain but Im just curious cause Im 5 months and have them alot and it makes me wonder too.
jmcummins3
01-20-2005, 10:18 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. I do not even know what to say to comfort you right now except that I will pray for you and your family. I can only imagine what you must be going through. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
hunnybun1504
01-20-2005, 10:45 AM
there is no ammount of words that can comfort a loss like that, but i am so sorry to hear that it has happened to you...my thoughts are with you and your husband and patrick, and i hope you both find a way to get through with each other..good luck, and were always here for a shoulder to lean on if you need it ..
hugs28
01-20-2005, 10:45 AM
I don't know what to say but I am so sorry for your loss. I can't stop crying with you. I have had so many problems so far with this one, that I have been in fear of losing my baby all along also. I am only 14 wks though. I dont think there is really anything anyone can say to make you feel better. I had a friend who lost her baby about the same gestational age as you did. She was very sad for a long time. And still to this day on the babies birthday, she has a lil party/quiet memorial for the baby, and it is hard all over again. I wish I could say something to make things better, but time is healing. Hope you feel better soon. Prayers to you and your husband. hugsssssssssssssssss
nyxin
01-20-2005, 10:49 AM
i don't even know what to say. the world can be so cruel. my tears fall for your little boy as well as you and your family. god i wish i had something better to say. i am so so so so so sorry.
valleygurl
01-20-2005, 11:03 AM
Hope2heal, Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. [removed] It is by far one of the most hurtful and tragic things that could ever happen to anyone. I am so so sorry for all your pain. I will say a prayer for you. Peace and love,
ValleyGurl
ValleyGurl
CJennings
01-20-2005, 11:04 AM
I'm sorry I cannot console you because I have not been through it myself but please believe me when I say your son served a purpose even if you may never know. Your story because you told it could help save other babies. Also know this is not your fault God needed him above. With love and prayers, a friend.
louiseb
01-20-2005, 11:20 AM
so sorry for your loss. take care of yourselvves our thoughts are with you.
prayn4ababy
01-20-2005, 11:46 AM
I am so sorry for your loss- I have never been in your situation but have had family members to lose their baby-
my prayers are with you and your dh!!
my prayers are with you and your dh!!
kierrasmommy
01-20-2005, 12:03 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking about you both. Take care.
Di12779
01-20-2005, 12:33 PM
I am so very sorry to hear about your tragic loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
suziro
01-20-2005, 01:49 PM
I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy Patrick. I do know how you feel, I had a miscarriage when I was 10 weeks with my second child and I knew something was wrong but felt no one took me seriously. Anyway I went on to miscarry and it was awful, I felt that part of me was missing and I don't think to be honest you ever completely get over it but it does get easier to bear with time and please don't think I am being cruel by saying that. This January 31st will be the fourth anniversary and I was blessed to already have a little girl and to be pregnant with my little boy (now nearly 3) on my baby's due date. My little boy is not a replacement for the baby I lost but it did help to have him come along. I was not as far along as you so did not have the mixed blessing of being able to see and hold him or her but I pray God will be there for you and hold your hand through this very hard time and you will see him again one day. I found one of the hardest things was that every where I looked people seemed to be pregnant and having babies and I felt I had to ease other people's awkwardness as well for them because people do care but they don't know what to say. I would just say don't deny how you feel or bottle it up, you will feel devastated and angry and confused, that is only natural. Anyway I don't know if this has helped but I will pray for you and your family and just know you are not alone . Suzi
anxiousme
01-20-2005, 01:54 PM
Little Patrick is an angel in heaven. He will forever be with you. Please go through all the grieving you need to. I hope you have lots of support around you and your DH. Time will heal but you will never forget. I lost my 2nd child at 27wks. I delivered stillbirth. I felt no movement for a day and 1/2. When I went to Dr's there was no heartbeat. My tragedy was 2 years ago. It is still very painful for me altough time has helped ease the pain. I'm currently pregnant again, due in March. This pregnancy has been very difficult b/c of the fear, but when we started to ttc, I felt ready. Everyone goes through their own grieving process. I'm sorry that you are going through what you are going through. Pamper yourself and your husband. My prayers are with you, your DH, and most of all little Patrick. God Bless you.
Regina21
01-20-2005, 02:19 PM
You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. I thought the biggest hurdle was overcoming that 3 month mark, but I guess it never really ends. I am terribly nervous reading your threat because I was taken to the hospital yet again yesterday for contractions at 26 weeks. After 2 shots of Turbudaline the contractions stopped and they sent me home. I'm constantly praying that I feel kicks and movement and freak out when I don't. My heart goes to you and all your loved ones mourning the loss of your precious angel.
Frynd1
01-20-2005, 02:30 PM
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I agree with the other poster in that you should take all the time you need to grieve. You're baby is watching over you
Mary0114
01-20-2005, 05:00 PM
My God, I am so sorry. Yes, I went through almost the same thing, but my son was much younger. I miscarried 5 years ago early on then got pregnant again. Almost miscarried, but didn't. I carried my son to 20 weeks when I started going into preterm labor but didn't realize it. The doctors office told me it was muscle spasms. Needless to say, my doctor covered the butt of the assistant who sent me home. I came back the next day to find I was dialated. I was sent walking across the street to the hospital with no guidance. I was sent up to a room where the doctor checked my cervix and broke my water. That was the end. I laid in bed for 3 weeks to see if I could carry him, as there was still water around him. He came at just under 24 weeks, born with severe sepsis and prematurity. he did well the first 24 hours (honeymoon period), then started to lose circulation in his lower limbs as the infection started to ravage his body. We had a priest come and baptise him and we took him off of life support. That will be 4 years ago on FEb. 10th. I still miss him terribly. I had a baby girl since then, but although I love her, she is not a replacement for my little Daniel. My prayers to you as I know the pain you are feeling. If there is a support group in your area and you feel the need, please go and share with other mothers. It may help you tremendously dealing with the guilt feelings that you may carry. God bless you and your husband.
Zayazmama
01-20-2005, 07:34 PM
I am so terribly sorry for your loss, and now I am worried even more about my own little baby. I have experienced major lack of movement from my baby as well. I have gone to the doctor and had an u/s and they say that my pains are because of the position she is in. They also did a non-stress test thing and she was unresponsive to it, although her heartrate was good. That was yesterday. I have seriously loaded up on sweet stuff, and it has not helped at all. I am so scared all day long that I may lose my baby. The doctors didnt at all seem too concerned, but I am!!!
Because of your experience, I am going to the hospital right now to be checked, and checked thoroughly.
Because of your experience, I am going to the hospital right now to be checked, and checked thoroughly.
2fast4u
01-20-2005, 08:15 PM
My thoughts and prayers are with you. My mom had 4 miscarriages and I have seen her pain and her tears. She has never forgotten each and every one of those babies. I am about 20 wks and for 4 wks I have felt my baby move constantly. Then on Tuesday the movement stopped and I panicked. Everyone told me not to worry but I still did. Today we had an ultrasound and everything was good. But still I worry and with good reason.
dizzygirl
01-20-2005, 09:31 PM
My sympathy and heart goes out to you and your family. Just know that you have a little angel looking over you. I wish you lots of love and healing. i am so sorry.
Hope2Heal
01-20-2005, 11:00 PM
HI everyone
Thank you all so much for your posts. It was like recieving sympathy cards and reading each one helped.
I have been amazed by all the support and love from my family friends and strangers. It has given me faith in humanity, as people seem to have a lot of compassion in their hearts.
Thank you mary0114, anxiousme, hugs28 and 2fast4u for sharing similar stories. It helps to know I am not the only one to go through this pain.
CJennings, I like what you said about Patricks death may be able to save other babies if their moms can take my experiences and maybe help their own babies in time.
Regina21, mommaboyz, zayazmama, I hope all of you can get help for your babies if they are in trouble. As for the question about cramping, yes i had cramps throughout my whole pregnancy. I do not know if this was related to the problem or not. I had such severe cramps in early pregnancy, I thought my period was coming and was taking a ton of advil. I cramped mildly throughout. The cramps i had last week were way more severe than i had had all along. Like bad painful menstrual cramps that came in sickening waves. It woke me up and no moving around or walking around made it better. AS for lack of movement, I had concerns about that for at least a month and half. But last Tuesday was the only day he actually stopped moving altogether. I always felt Something.
I recieved a pathology report today. There was an examination of my placenta and they found i had a conditon called chorangiosis. So rare my doc never heard about it and said he would have to research it and get back to me. Something about enlarged blood cells in the placenta and it being related to fetal mortality and maternal diabetes. The report also talked about the placenta and umbilical cord being stained with meconium(baby had bowel movement, sign he was in distress)
So i am about to research this new info. Autopsy results are still afew weeks away. They suspect possible congenital anomaly in chest, as stated on report. Whatever that means.
I feel i am starting to get some answers, which helps.
I do urge any mom who feels unsettled about movement or anything else to keep bugging the doctor until you are certain the baby is ok. I do hope Patrick can help save other babies.
We went to grief counseling tonight and it was somewhat helpful. I appreciate everyones thoughts and comments.
Hope2heal
Thank you all so much for your posts. It was like recieving sympathy cards and reading each one helped.
I have been amazed by all the support and love from my family friends and strangers. It has given me faith in humanity, as people seem to have a lot of compassion in their hearts.
Thank you mary0114, anxiousme, hugs28 and 2fast4u for sharing similar stories. It helps to know I am not the only one to go through this pain.
CJennings, I like what you said about Patricks death may be able to save other babies if their moms can take my experiences and maybe help their own babies in time.
Regina21, mommaboyz, zayazmama, I hope all of you can get help for your babies if they are in trouble. As for the question about cramping, yes i had cramps throughout my whole pregnancy. I do not know if this was related to the problem or not. I had such severe cramps in early pregnancy, I thought my period was coming and was taking a ton of advil. I cramped mildly throughout. The cramps i had last week were way more severe than i had had all along. Like bad painful menstrual cramps that came in sickening waves. It woke me up and no moving around or walking around made it better. AS for lack of movement, I had concerns about that for at least a month and half. But last Tuesday was the only day he actually stopped moving altogether. I always felt Something.
I recieved a pathology report today. There was an examination of my placenta and they found i had a conditon called chorangiosis. So rare my doc never heard about it and said he would have to research it and get back to me. Something about enlarged blood cells in the placenta and it being related to fetal mortality and maternal diabetes. The report also talked about the placenta and umbilical cord being stained with meconium(baby had bowel movement, sign he was in distress)
So i am about to research this new info. Autopsy results are still afew weeks away. They suspect possible congenital anomaly in chest, as stated on report. Whatever that means.
I feel i am starting to get some answers, which helps.
I do urge any mom who feels unsettled about movement or anything else to keep bugging the doctor until you are certain the baby is ok. I do hope Patrick can help save other babies.
We went to grief counseling tonight and it was somewhat helpful. I appreciate everyones thoughts and comments.
Hope2heal
cattieos
01-20-2005, 11:18 PM
I cannot begin to tell you how sorry i am for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers, and just always remember that even though your little angel is not physically here with you, he will always be watching after you.
Soulcatcher
01-20-2005, 11:24 PM
First I want to say that I am also so sorry for the loss of your son. I have questions as to why your doctor has not heard about such a thing. Even if it's rare shouldn't he know what types of conditions are out there with mothers having diabetes? I guess it just angers me to see someone go through such a loss and the doctor not know something was wrong.
Your story also makes me cry because you were looking forward to this child so much. Just so you know....you will always be a mother and you do have a son..he's an angel now but he is still your son....A friend of mine lost her child at one month old from SIDS and was scared to concieve again but she did and now has a healthy six month old son. I know the future isn't so bright right now but I hope in time if you chose to try again I hope you are blessed and your heart is filled with hope again. Your in my prayers, I am so sorry. ^i^ (an angel for you)
Your story also makes me cry because you were looking forward to this child so much. Just so you know....you will always be a mother and you do have a son..he's an angel now but he is still your son....A friend of mine lost her child at one month old from SIDS and was scared to concieve again but she did and now has a healthy six month old son. I know the future isn't so bright right now but I hope in time if you chose to try again I hope you are blessed and your heart is filled with hope again. Your in my prayers, I am so sorry. ^i^ (an angel for you)
barton93
01-21-2005, 12:27 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine the amount of pain that you and your husband must be feeling right now. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. Your little angel is in Gods care now and is watching over you and your husband. Godspeed Patrick!
Zayazmama
01-21-2005, 01:33 AM
Again, I am so sorry for this loss that you are having to go through. Our hearts go out to you and your husband, and family.
And, I want to thank you for sharing such information for those of us who are having fears and concerns. It is helpful and sad at the same time. Helpful because the knowlege that you pass to us may help our babies. Sad, because for you to have this knowledge, you have to endure pain.
I pray for you and your dh that the future will help to mend your broken hearts and that one day you will feel okay. I know that there will always be a missing part of your heart, as i have gone through such a loss before too. A piece of me is still missing, but I know that time will help you to see the light again.
We love you dearly and hope you are okay.
Jen
And, I want to thank you for sharing such information for those of us who are having fears and concerns. It is helpful and sad at the same time. Helpful because the knowlege that you pass to us may help our babies. Sad, because for you to have this knowledge, you have to endure pain.
I pray for you and your dh that the future will help to mend your broken hearts and that one day you will feel okay. I know that there will always be a missing part of your heart, as i have gone through such a loss before too. A piece of me is still missing, but I know that time will help you to see the light again.
We love you dearly and hope you are okay.
Jen
Mary0114
01-21-2005, 01:06 PM
Again, it brings tears to my eyes to hear about your loss. If there is a support group specifically for infant loss in your area, and you feel ready, I would suggest you attend. We can help here with words, but to actually go and meet others does help some. It would help to hear why the baby died, as so many of us who lost babies always blame ourselves. Hopefully, you will not suffer with the guilt of thinking that you did something to cause this, because you didn't. I know I am jumping the gun here, but let me say this. If you do wish to try again at some point, I suggest seeing a high risk pregnancy specialist. They deal with patients all the time who have lost babies and tend to be much more caring to their patients than the OBs whose patients have easy pregnancies. I learned this the hard way too. My thoughts go out to you and your family. May I ask, did the hospital take pictures of the baby for you or did you take pictures?
Frynd1
01-21-2005, 01:32 PM
Can I ask if they found why exactly it happened? You said that your baby never took a breath, yet why did you go into labor early and why was their heartbeat taking dips? If you don't want to answer any questions or don't have the time I understand.
sharp3951
01-21-2005, 02:58 PM
Hope2Heal,
I just want you to know that i know how you feel. I just lost my baby in October. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through. It has been a little over 3 months since he went home to God. Maybe our kids are playing together in Heaven. My baby had renal agenisis (Potter Syndrome - no kidneys). I feel like crying right now writing about it. I just want you to know that I am so sorry for your loss and I am here if you need me. [removed] I also wanted to tell you that I too had an emergency c-section (vertical) because my placenta abrupted.
God Bless You,
Sheila
I just want you to know that i know how you feel. I just lost my baby in October. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through. It has been a little over 3 months since he went home to God. Maybe our kids are playing together in Heaven. My baby had renal agenisis (Potter Syndrome - no kidneys). I feel like crying right now writing about it. I just want you to know that I am so sorry for your loss and I am here if you need me. [removed] I also wanted to tell you that I too had an emergency c-section (vertical) because my placenta abrupted.
God Bless You,
Sheila
BarbaraH
01-21-2005, 03:06 PM
Hope -
Bless your heart. I do understand. It's been many years since we lost our babies - I miscarried at 12 weeks (after weeks of only slight growth), and had preterm labot at 20 weeks and 22 weeks. We have 2 now grown sons that we are so thankful for, but I have not forgotten the children we lost.
It is true that time is a healer. When I think of those children, I am sad, but it's mostly regret that I didn't get to know them, hug them, and care for them as I could our boys. I do still love them, but it's a gentle love that doesn't hurt me or overtake my life. I believe that love is never wasted.
Also years ago, we had friends whose baby son never breathed. He looked perfect from the outside, but was found to have lung abnormalities that could not have been detected or corrected. As you understand, it was devastating, but they found that knowing what went wrong helped a little. The children who they had later did not have that rare problem.
I wish you well - blessings - Barbara
Bless your heart. I do understand. It's been many years since we lost our babies - I miscarried at 12 weeks (after weeks of only slight growth), and had preterm labot at 20 weeks and 22 weeks. We have 2 now grown sons that we are so thankful for, but I have not forgotten the children we lost.
It is true that time is a healer. When I think of those children, I am sad, but it's mostly regret that I didn't get to know them, hug them, and care for them as I could our boys. I do still love them, but it's a gentle love that doesn't hurt me or overtake my life. I believe that love is never wasted.
Also years ago, we had friends whose baby son never breathed. He looked perfect from the outside, but was found to have lung abnormalities that could not have been detected or corrected. As you understand, it was devastating, but they found that knowing what went wrong helped a little. The children who they had later did not have that rare problem.
I wish you well - blessings - Barbara
Dakota
01-21-2005, 09:15 PM
I am so sorry for your loss :(
usmcwifeof3
01-21-2005, 09:21 PM
I'm so very sorry for your loss! I can't begin to imagine such a loss. My heart breaks for you and your husband. Please remember that your beautiful little baby is up in heaven with the Lord.
Your story makes me realize how important it is to only want good health for your baby. See i have two boys and was wanting a girl so bad. I have been having a hard time that I'm having another boy. I mean not because I don't love him just because I'm done having kids after this one and I'm never going to have a daughter. But I realize that I'm so grateful to be having him at all. he is a gift. Thank you for helping me see that. Good luck to you. God bless. Quisha
Your story makes me realize how important it is to only want good health for your baby. See i have two boys and was wanting a girl so bad. I have been having a hard time that I'm having another boy. I mean not because I don't love him just because I'm done having kids after this one and I'm never going to have a daughter. But I realize that I'm so grateful to be having him at all. he is a gift. Thank you for helping me see that. Good luck to you. God bless. Quisha
mpsweetie77
01-21-2005, 10:35 PM
Hope-Once again, I am so so sorry for your loss. But I would like to thank you for sharing the pathology results...my d/h and I had not heard of that either. I have wanted to stay as informed as possible on what is going on with Haley and what could happen...thanks to your sharing of information I am now aware of something new. My thoughts and prayers continue to go out to you.
Boo Boo
01-22-2005, 10:50 AM
Hello,
I am thinking of you and your partner and pray that you have a speedy recovery and that all is well soon. Look after yourself and thankyou for your advice im sure we will all take that on board. xxx
I am thinking of you and your partner and pray that you have a speedy recovery and that all is well soon. Look after yourself and thankyou for your advice im sure we will all take that on board. xxx
crazygirl
01-22-2005, 01:20 PM
hello,
Sorry to hear about that.
I'm scared all the time about my baby, almost 22 weeks and I feel 90% normal, and I dont feel kicks very offten, I've been told by freinds, dr's people on these health broads. alot of them say theres nothing to worry about till the 26th week. Hearing about your terrible loss makes me worry alot more now. I hope you and your partner find some way to get throw this and again i'm very sorry to about that.
Sorry to hear about that.
I'm scared all the time about my baby, almost 22 weeks and I feel 90% normal, and I dont feel kicks very offten, I've been told by freinds, dr's people on these health broads. alot of them say theres nothing to worry about till the 26th week. Hearing about your terrible loss makes me worry alot more now. I hope you and your partner find some way to get throw this and again i'm very sorry to about that.
jstpeachey79
01-22-2005, 01:21 PM
I am so sorry for your loss you are in my thoughts and prayers.
dh22
01-22-2005, 07:42 PM
i don't even know who to tell you how sorry i am for your loss. i cried reading your posts and just don't know if there is anything that can be said to help you feel better, expect that we are all here for you whenever you need to someone... no matter what, angry sad and all the emotions that you may be going through... I pray for you and your family.
haleysmum
01-22-2005, 11:43 PM
Hi I am so terribly sorry for your loss :(
May I ask are you type 1 , 2 diabetic or gestational ? Either way unfortunately diabeties can be so very bad for pregnant mommies. I am type 2 diabetic and was very uncontrolled when I fell pregnant to my daughter ( now 16 months old ) . My doctor warned me that having uncontrolled diabeties before and during pregnancy can cause increased risk in miscarriage, birth defects and still birth :( Thankfully my daughter was born perfectly and my son now 12 weeks old was also born perfect with stress free pregnancies. I kind of know the pain you are going through, my sister in law ( also diabetiec type 1 ) lost her baby 2 days before she was due to be induced. Everything had gone fine her whole pregnancy but being diabetic they decided to induce at 38 weeks. I was induced with both my babies at 37 weeks. Anyway 2 days before she was due to go in, she also noticed no movement and went straight into the hospital to find that the baby had died. She had to go through the terrible ordeal of delivering her baby boy naturally. My nephew died the very day I found out I was pregnant to my daughter :( My brother and sister in law actually had another little baby boy almost a year to the day their first son died, but nothing will ever make up for their loss or yours :( Like I mentioned earlier diabeties can be a terrible thing in pregnancy and I cant stress enough to other mommies to be to please try and control your diabeties, it literally can mean life or death :(
I hope you can start your road towards healing very soon :angel:
May I ask are you type 1 , 2 diabetic or gestational ? Either way unfortunately diabeties can be so very bad for pregnant mommies. I am type 2 diabetic and was very uncontrolled when I fell pregnant to my daughter ( now 16 months old ) . My doctor warned me that having uncontrolled diabeties before and during pregnancy can cause increased risk in miscarriage, birth defects and still birth :( Thankfully my daughter was born perfectly and my son now 12 weeks old was also born perfect with stress free pregnancies. I kind of know the pain you are going through, my sister in law ( also diabetiec type 1 ) lost her baby 2 days before she was due to be induced. Everything had gone fine her whole pregnancy but being diabetic they decided to induce at 38 weeks. I was induced with both my babies at 37 weeks. Anyway 2 days before she was due to go in, she also noticed no movement and went straight into the hospital to find that the baby had died. She had to go through the terrible ordeal of delivering her baby boy naturally. My nephew died the very day I found out I was pregnant to my daughter :( My brother and sister in law actually had another little baby boy almost a year to the day their first son died, but nothing will ever make up for their loss or yours :( Like I mentioned earlier diabeties can be a terrible thing in pregnancy and I cant stress enough to other mommies to be to please try and control your diabeties, it literally can mean life or death :(
I hope you can start your road towards healing very soon :angel:
mythirdchild
01-22-2005, 11:47 PM
God bless you and your family. My family will be praying for yours.
Hope2Heal
01-24-2005, 01:44 AM
HI again everyone
I do appreciate the continued support on this thread.
This weekend has been extremely difficult. The reality of the situation has been hitting me in waves and I have been barely hanging on. Tears and sickening feelings in the pit of the stomach.
The pregnancy board should be a happy one and I am sorry if I am bringing everyone down. I do hope most people won't worry, since most pregnancies go just fine and most babies, even in high risk pregnancies are born just fine.
For some reason, things just went wrong with me and I wish I could change that. But I can't. And moving forward is slow and agonizing. Mainly, because I am still healing physically, still bleeding, still taking painkillers at night. But I have recovered quicker than I expected as well as lost 30 pounds already. I keep looking at my feet and ankles in amazement, at how thin they are. I had excessive swelling throughout my pregnancy and had gained 50 pounds.
The disorder I mentioned in the last post, called Chorangiosis, from what I can understand, is a situation where excessive blood vessels form in the placenta (related to diabetes and preeclamsia, as well as other things) and crowd out the good blood vessels, causing something of a benign tumor. this happens over a period of time, not overnight, and caused oxygen deprivation to the baby. So even if he had made it, my doc said something about cerebral palsey or siezures. I don't know why he doesnt know more about this. all the info i have so far is from the internet. He is supposed to tell me more on thursday at my appt. It is supposedly VERY rare. But i do not know what the reoccurance rate is.
Someone asked about why i went into labor early? I don't think I was in labor, since despite the cramps and bleeding, I was not dialated at all. So the problem was coming from the placenta and the baby dying. He was still alive when i went in, but by heartbeat only, such as a coma patient can be brain dead, but still have a heartbeat. I feel horrible thinking about my baby dying slowly over a period of time. I was so happy through this pregnancy. I had my pains, but I was always aglow. My thoughts were always about the coming baby. I feel so sad and depressed now.
Someone else mentioned the risk factor of diabetes. Well my doctor or the diabetic clinic never once mentioned the possiblity of stillbirth. They made it seem like there were no major risks and i was just fine. I did have my sugar levels controlled for the most part with diet. I tried very hard to eat properly and followed my diet carefully. I checked my blood sugar 4x a day. Ironically, the last time I saw the doctor on January 4, he said my BP was fine, I could check my blood sugar 2x a day from then on, my weight was fine even though i was fluctuating 5-7 pounds over the last few weeks, loosing and gaining. He said I could go back to work, the swelling was normal, and most first babies dont' come for 7-10 days late. and he didn't want to see me again for another 2 weeks. Well, I know now the baby was born, and died before that appointment even came around.
I am so dissapointed and miss my baby, miss being pregnant and spend a lot of time wishing this hadn't happened. I do hope to get pregnant again this year. But i feel that will be forever until that time comes. I can't even face going out in public, since the one time I did, there were newborns all around and I couldn't take it. I cant stop looking at his photos and crying and touching his blankets and clothing.
To make matters worse, my grandmother died this week, very suddenly. I feel she is looking after my baby. I had spoken with her last week and she was telling me how sorry she was for my loss. She had a heart attack a few hours later and died later in the week. It was a wierd coincidence.
But I do believe she is holding Patrick and mothering him in some way and that helps me on some level.
Thanks again for listening. Please try not to worry if you have no reason too. And please ask for close monitoring if you are diabetic or have swelling or preeclamsia. These are very high risk conditions and should be treated as such. I wish I had been treated more carefully from my doctors.
Hope2heal
I do appreciate the continued support on this thread.
This weekend has been extremely difficult. The reality of the situation has been hitting me in waves and I have been barely hanging on. Tears and sickening feelings in the pit of the stomach.
The pregnancy board should be a happy one and I am sorry if I am bringing everyone down. I do hope most people won't worry, since most pregnancies go just fine and most babies, even in high risk pregnancies are born just fine.
For some reason, things just went wrong with me and I wish I could change that. But I can't. And moving forward is slow and agonizing. Mainly, because I am still healing physically, still bleeding, still taking painkillers at night. But I have recovered quicker than I expected as well as lost 30 pounds already. I keep looking at my feet and ankles in amazement, at how thin they are. I had excessive swelling throughout my pregnancy and had gained 50 pounds.
The disorder I mentioned in the last post, called Chorangiosis, from what I can understand, is a situation where excessive blood vessels form in the placenta (related to diabetes and preeclamsia, as well as other things) and crowd out the good blood vessels, causing something of a benign tumor. this happens over a period of time, not overnight, and caused oxygen deprivation to the baby. So even if he had made it, my doc said something about cerebral palsey or siezures. I don't know why he doesnt know more about this. all the info i have so far is from the internet. He is supposed to tell me more on thursday at my appt. It is supposedly VERY rare. But i do not know what the reoccurance rate is.
Someone asked about why i went into labor early? I don't think I was in labor, since despite the cramps and bleeding, I was not dialated at all. So the problem was coming from the placenta and the baby dying. He was still alive when i went in, but by heartbeat only, such as a coma patient can be brain dead, but still have a heartbeat. I feel horrible thinking about my baby dying slowly over a period of time. I was so happy through this pregnancy. I had my pains, but I was always aglow. My thoughts were always about the coming baby. I feel so sad and depressed now.
Someone else mentioned the risk factor of diabetes. Well my doctor or the diabetic clinic never once mentioned the possiblity of stillbirth. They made it seem like there were no major risks and i was just fine. I did have my sugar levels controlled for the most part with diet. I tried very hard to eat properly and followed my diet carefully. I checked my blood sugar 4x a day. Ironically, the last time I saw the doctor on January 4, he said my BP was fine, I could check my blood sugar 2x a day from then on, my weight was fine even though i was fluctuating 5-7 pounds over the last few weeks, loosing and gaining. He said I could go back to work, the swelling was normal, and most first babies dont' come for 7-10 days late. and he didn't want to see me again for another 2 weeks. Well, I know now the baby was born, and died before that appointment even came around.
I am so dissapointed and miss my baby, miss being pregnant and spend a lot of time wishing this hadn't happened. I do hope to get pregnant again this year. But i feel that will be forever until that time comes. I can't even face going out in public, since the one time I did, there were newborns all around and I couldn't take it. I cant stop looking at his photos and crying and touching his blankets and clothing.
To make matters worse, my grandmother died this week, very suddenly. I feel she is looking after my baby. I had spoken with her last week and she was telling me how sorry she was for my loss. She had a heart attack a few hours later and died later in the week. It was a wierd coincidence.
But I do believe she is holding Patrick and mothering him in some way and that helps me on some level.
Thanks again for listening. Please try not to worry if you have no reason too. And please ask for close monitoring if you are diabetic or have swelling or preeclamsia. These are very high risk conditions and should be treated as such. I wish I had been treated more carefully from my doctors.
Hope2heal
mommaboyz
01-24-2005, 02:04 AM
I hope things get a litter better for you soon. Im also sorry to hear of your grandmother. Dont worry about all of us worring we just care about you even though we may not know you we still care for you. your situation may help others so even though you say this is suspose to be a happy place sometimes life throws us unhappy things. They are goo to hear and know about becouse it makes us all stronger and more careful. Im sure your baby is in her arms right now being loved.
sammieP
01-24-2005, 10:56 AM
Tears streaming down my face, all i can say is i am so, so sorry for the loss and heartache your family are going through, you will be in my thoughts, i pray your angel is safe now :angel:
Take care <<HUGS>>
Take care <<HUGS>>
nyxin
01-24-2005, 11:33 AM
Hope2Heal--
i did look up the condition that you mentioned. i found quite a bit of info on it as well. the reason that i felt the need to look it up is because everything went fine with my pregnancy with my son and then i was a week late with major major HUGE swelling and my blood pressure rose to 130 over something. doesn't sound like alot but it is normally 90/60. anyway my water had broke and i got that infection. 31 hours later my son was born, but barley had a hb and nothing more. they did revive him and he is fine, but the pathology report stated that my placenta was very small for gestational age and there was muconium staining as well, much like the symptoms from your condition. they have no idea why my son was so very very very sick when delivered as he showed no positive results of the infection that i had, nor any other infections to justify his grave illness. i do not know if there is anyway to detect the placental size at this point, but i am going to bring this issue up with my doctor at my next appointment.
i wish so very much that your story had a different ending and i am so sorry that you are having to go through this. thank you for sharing your story, perhaps your experience will give people like me some info to go on to prevent this tradegy in the future. take care hun.
i did look up the condition that you mentioned. i found quite a bit of info on it as well. the reason that i felt the need to look it up is because everything went fine with my pregnancy with my son and then i was a week late with major major HUGE swelling and my blood pressure rose to 130 over something. doesn't sound like alot but it is normally 90/60. anyway my water had broke and i got that infection. 31 hours later my son was born, but barley had a hb and nothing more. they did revive him and he is fine, but the pathology report stated that my placenta was very small for gestational age and there was muconium staining as well, much like the symptoms from your condition. they have no idea why my son was so very very very sick when delivered as he showed no positive results of the infection that i had, nor any other infections to justify his grave illness. i do not know if there is anyway to detect the placental size at this point, but i am going to bring this issue up with my doctor at my next appointment.
i wish so very much that your story had a different ending and i am so sorry that you are having to go through this. thank you for sharing your story, perhaps your experience will give people like me some info to go on to prevent this tradegy in the future. take care hun.
arri-love
01-24-2005, 06:26 PM
I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. Last year January fourteen I lost my little girl and I was 31 weeks pregnant. Every time I went to the doctors they said that everything was fine. At first I felt like it was all my fault and that I should have known there was something wrong. I know now that things just happen and they will get better. You just need to stay positive and I know hearing that right now doesn’t help, because I remember no words helped me in the beginning. I can say now that things do get better; because I am pregnant again. I hope that things do get better for you and your partner. I just wish you and your family the best and you are in my prayers.
saradaemon
01-24-2005, 09:52 PM
Wow I am soooo sorry to hear about this. I am at a loss for words right now. My thoughts are with you during this troubling time.
myloathe
01-25-2005, 01:19 AM
I am so sorry for your loss.....
While I personally have not gone through this, I was on this particular board because my cousin just lost her baby last Friday. She was 21 weeks pregnant and had been having problems from the start. She had been in and out of the ER 7 TIMES since she was about 4 weeks, because she was bleeding so heavy, it would literally soak her clothes and whatever she was sitting on. She said once she even thought she had passed the baby since it was so thick. But the docs kept sending her home saying nothing was wrong. She even started seeing a different gyno because she felt like she was being neglected. Anyway, about 1 1/2 ago, her water broke! The doc said that she needed to at least carry the baby another 5 weeks and he didn't see that happening, since you are suppose to have at least 20 something (ml, cc's, or whatever the liquid measurement is) of fluid surrounding the baby, but she only had 4. He wanted to take the baby then but she refused. Anyway, she went into labor a few days later, and the baby didn't make it.
While I personally have not gone through this, I was on this particular board because my cousin just lost her baby last Friday. She was 21 weeks pregnant and had been having problems from the start. She had been in and out of the ER 7 TIMES since she was about 4 weeks, because she was bleeding so heavy, it would literally soak her clothes and whatever she was sitting on. She said once she even thought she had passed the baby since it was so thick. But the docs kept sending her home saying nothing was wrong. She even started seeing a different gyno because she felt like she was being neglected. Anyway, about 1 1/2 ago, her water broke! The doc said that she needed to at least carry the baby another 5 weeks and he didn't see that happening, since you are suppose to have at least 20 something (ml, cc's, or whatever the liquid measurement is) of fluid surrounding the baby, but she only had 4. He wanted to take the baby then but she refused. Anyway, she went into labor a few days later, and the baby didn't make it.
~PJ~
01-25-2005, 01:04 PM
My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so so sorry for your loss :(
you, your family and your little baby are in my thoughts and prayers :angel:
you, your family and your little baby are in my thoughts and prayers :angel:
thomps11
01-25-2005, 05:04 PM
Im am also very sorry for your loss.
I am thinking of you, your dh and your little boy.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Dawn
I am thinking of you, your dh and your little boy.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Dawn
ryandtysmom
01-26-2005, 01:09 AM
So sorry for your loss. Fortunatley, I personally have not gone through this terrible ordeal, but in Septmeber 2002, my sister-in-law did. She had no complications in her pregnancy and only went to the Dr. because she hadn't felt movement that day. She had 6 weeks left in her pregnancy and was feeling perfectly fine. She went in (without her husband) and couldn't find the heartbeat. She had to go to the hospital the next day and deliver the baby vaginally. They found no reason for the baby's death. The baby was in perfect condition although her placenta was aged (whatever that means). They were devestated. She also had to put up with the fact that my husband and I had a 4 month old. Talk about a constant slap in the face.
They had loving friends and family who were there whenever they needed it. Although they are not consistent church goers, faith helped. Mainly, she and her wonderful husband talked. She had a very difficult time seeing me and watching women around always seem pregnant but over time, she got better.
They have had a very difficult time getting pregnant now although the two are unrelated. After trying for 2 years and going through various tests, they decided to adopt instead of IVF. Well, the day before they sent off their first check to the adoption agency to start the paperwork, they took a test, just to make sure they weren't pregnant, and they were!!!! She is due in March and although VERY nervous, they are looking very forward to the birth of this baby.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I want you to know that although you don't want to hear this right now, and everyone hates to hear this, time really does help. My heart goes out to you. I was so devestated by their loss that I can't imagine how heart broken you are. Do NOT blame yourself. If you have counseling available, take it. Lean on one another and your family and friends. God bless you and your husband. The prayers of my family are with you!!
They had loving friends and family who were there whenever they needed it. Although they are not consistent church goers, faith helped. Mainly, she and her wonderful husband talked. She had a very difficult time seeing me and watching women around always seem pregnant but over time, she got better.
They have had a very difficult time getting pregnant now although the two are unrelated. After trying for 2 years and going through various tests, they decided to adopt instead of IVF. Well, the day before they sent off their first check to the adoption agency to start the paperwork, they took a test, just to make sure they weren't pregnant, and they were!!!! She is due in March and although VERY nervous, they are looking very forward to the birth of this baby.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I want you to know that although you don't want to hear this right now, and everyone hates to hear this, time really does help. My heart goes out to you. I was so devestated by their loss that I can't imagine how heart broken you are. Do NOT blame yourself. If you have counseling available, take it. Lean on one another and your family and friends. God bless you and your husband. The prayers of my family are with you!!
missie79
01-29-2005, 08:17 PM
I am so sorry to hear of you loss. There are no words to describe the huge amount of grief, pain and suffering you and your family are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and you family in this time of need.
Hope2Heal
02-08-2005, 03:52 PM
I am responding once more to give everyone an update.
I have been sick with the flu and been bedridden for almost a week. Emotionally I am very fragile still. I am weepy and sad and angry and jealous of every person in the world who has a living child. The c-section is healing up nicely with no complications.
Today Feb 8th was my due date. It has been a somber weekend. On friday the 11th, Patrick would have been a month old. I still have many days when I do not think I will make it. Then others where I feel some hope and can smile.
I want to thank everyone for their replies. After I write this I am going to print out all of your wonderful messages and put them in Patricks memory box with his other cards and little belongings.
I hope to be writing again on the pregnancy board sometime this year hopefully and maybe I will see some of you here still. Until then, I will be trying to get better, going to support groups and trying to get my life back together.
Please learn from my experience. I do believe now, If I had better prenatal care, Patrick could have been saved. My doctors had a very laid back everything is fine attitude. They dismissed my concerns as normal. The excessive swelling and weight gain, the diabetes, the decreasing fetal movement, was all dismissed as normal. It was my first pregnancy and I didn't know any better. I wish now and I will the next time, be much more vigilant and take control of my own situation. IF I don't like what I hear, I will get a second opinion. I never ever thought that I could loose my child. I thought I was doing everthing right.
And every time your little ones wake you up screaming in the middle of the night, imagine me, with only silence in my house, an empty crib and nothing but sympathy cards coming in my mail. Then kiss your little one on the head and be so thankful.
Good luck to all . . .
hope2heal
I have been sick with the flu and been bedridden for almost a week. Emotionally I am very fragile still. I am weepy and sad and angry and jealous of every person in the world who has a living child. The c-section is healing up nicely with no complications.
Today Feb 8th was my due date. It has been a somber weekend. On friday the 11th, Patrick would have been a month old. I still have many days when I do not think I will make it. Then others where I feel some hope and can smile.
I want to thank everyone for their replies. After I write this I am going to print out all of your wonderful messages and put them in Patricks memory box with his other cards and little belongings.
I hope to be writing again on the pregnancy board sometime this year hopefully and maybe I will see some of you here still. Until then, I will be trying to get better, going to support groups and trying to get my life back together.
Please learn from my experience. I do believe now, If I had better prenatal care, Patrick could have been saved. My doctors had a very laid back everything is fine attitude. They dismissed my concerns as normal. The excessive swelling and weight gain, the diabetes, the decreasing fetal movement, was all dismissed as normal. It was my first pregnancy and I didn't know any better. I wish now and I will the next time, be much more vigilant and take control of my own situation. IF I don't like what I hear, I will get a second opinion. I never ever thought that I could loose my child. I thought I was doing everthing right.
And every time your little ones wake you up screaming in the middle of the night, imagine me, with only silence in my house, an empty crib and nothing but sympathy cards coming in my mail. Then kiss your little one on the head and be so thankful.
Good luck to all . . .
hope2heal
bm28
02-08-2005, 04:25 PM
Oh my gosh....I am so sorry. I'm sure by now you are tired of hearing that. I think that's a great idea to go to the support groups. My twin sister was pregnant with twins back when she first got married and the same thing happened to her. It was awful and I couldn't imagine going through it. I'm sure you are a very strong person. Just a word of encouragement, my sister now has two little girls and it took her a few years to conceive the first one (after the loss of her twins) and after that the second one was conceived right away. You are in my thoughts. Good Luck and God Bless, Beth
megncjsmom
02-08-2005, 04:38 PM
Bless you and your family...I am so sorry for such a tremendous loss you have suffered. May your sons life and passing not be in vain, but maybe in time, you can share his story with many many others, to show them about this condition, to give them information, vital information, that could save others from this grief. I truly believe Patricks life was not for nothing, but for a huge SOMETHING, something wonderful, for you to always remember, and feel, even in sadness, as I'm sure the love you feel for him will never diminish. Godspeed Patrick, I bet you are watching down on your mommy and daddy and hugging them with your heart. And may your life, no matter how short it was, bring tons of positive to those who got to touch you, hold you, hear about you. God bless you, Hope2Heal, for being so strong to share your story with others, to inform them, that is a great gift you are giving. I hope that it brings you some peace to know that you are helping others in your sons name.
hillaryb
02-08-2005, 07:45 PM
My neighbor had a stillbirth at 8 months. The baby stopped moving and when she went to the doc, they said the baby had died and induced her. She had a 2 year old daughter when it happened, and now has 2 more sons. The baby that died was a girl. It is very sad and usually there is no reason as to why it happens. I had a very late miscarriage (18 weeks) and could not imagine getting through the entire pregnancy only to lose the baby. It was hard enough at 4 months. My heart goes out to you. I still think of my baby. I have 2 other children, and since my late miscarriage, I have been unable to sustain a pregnancy. I had an early miscarriage after, and now I cannot get pregnant at all. I Think it may have to do with the infection I got with my miscarriage. I decided that i have enough and left it at that. I know it probably doesnt help much, but I am sorry. :angel:
allcountry33
02-09-2005, 02:17 AM
I just read your post and I am so sorry ! My heart is breaking for you and your family. You will be in my prayers.
HGF109
02-09-2005, 04:17 AM
I am so sorry to hear as well. We all feel for you and are here for support. I will keep you in my prayers. Your unborn child is with God now, but I know that might not be a comfort for a while. All of us here at healthboards feel for you and your family and wish you the best in this hard time.
- HGF
- HGF
Nutshell
02-09-2005, 10:59 AM
Hope2Heal ~ I know what you are going through. My first child passed away when I was 7 months pregnant. I to got to hold her after having her. There is no way to express the feeling that you have when you look at your beautiful child laying in your arms and know you will never get to hold them again or hear them cry. If you ever want to talk about anything just start a thread that will get my attention. I went thru every emotion you have talked about. It took me a very long time to be able to look at a pregnant woman and to see women with children. It hurt so bad to know that my baby had been taken from me but yet there are others out there that abuse their kids or on drugs while they are pregnant. My little girl would have been 5 this year. I still miss her very much every day. I will for the rest of my life. I now have a little boy who will be 2 in March and a daughter who was born on Dec 29th that was 3 months premature. She is still in the hospital. I know one day you too will have healthy children. I hope with time your heart can heal although it will always be scarred. I do not know your religious beliefs and if you are like me you are probably blaming God for everything. But do know your sweet little Patrick is watching over you. If you ever need me like I said just get my attention.
Poofy
02-10-2005, 05:48 PM
Hi Hope, this is Leslie, I replied to you on the Grief and Loss board. This is a suggestion I have for you and anyone of you mothers to be who reads this.
My son Devan was stillborn.
Do not ever feel like you are "bugging" your doctor! If you feel something is not right, you make them see you. NO, is not an answer.
At the time, I was not aware that I had Lupus, the kind I have causes my blood to clot. But at the time I did not know this.
I was having lots of pain in my left side. Kept telling my doctor, his response, first time mother to be and paranoid.
The pain continued, told my doctor, his response, I had gained too much weight and that's why I was uncomfortable. All the while, baby movement slowing down. On Jan. 6th, I went to his office crying I was so worried and begged for an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. He refused because of the expence of one and he did not want to argue with my insurance co.??? Assuring me the whole time, I was fine.
Went into labor on Jan.14th and after 22 hours of labor and pushing, on the 15th Devan was here finally, just not alive. From my lupus I had gotton a huge blood clot in the placenta and the weight of it caused me to have placenta abrupto and when it tore completly while pushing, Devan was instantly without air.
Argue with you doctors, they are not always right. My doctor was dumb found and in shock, he has forgotten about it by now, I live with it everyday, my shock hasn't gone away. He was very sorry and I am living without Devan.
Had he done the ultrasound on the 6th when I was there, he would have seen the blood clot and Devan would be here with me.
Hope, I can't tell how sorry I am. The hospital I had him in had a Resolve Through Sharing group. It helped me. The "head" lady, called me, talked to me, let me cry. And helped me figure out how to grieve for my-self...at the time, I didn't know up from down. Just devistation. Look for something like that to help you and your husband. You will not grieve the same, but you stick together through it. Hope, I'm thinking of you and I'm grieving for you, I know it hurts sweetie, you take care of your-self. And to everyone else, good luck, make your doctors take care of you! Leslie
My son Devan was stillborn.
Do not ever feel like you are "bugging" your doctor! If you feel something is not right, you make them see you. NO, is not an answer.
At the time, I was not aware that I had Lupus, the kind I have causes my blood to clot. But at the time I did not know this.
I was having lots of pain in my left side. Kept telling my doctor, his response, first time mother to be and paranoid.
The pain continued, told my doctor, his response, I had gained too much weight and that's why I was uncomfortable. All the while, baby movement slowing down. On Jan. 6th, I went to his office crying I was so worried and begged for an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. He refused because of the expence of one and he did not want to argue with my insurance co.??? Assuring me the whole time, I was fine.
Went into labor on Jan.14th and after 22 hours of labor and pushing, on the 15th Devan was here finally, just not alive. From my lupus I had gotton a huge blood clot in the placenta and the weight of it caused me to have placenta abrupto and when it tore completly while pushing, Devan was instantly without air.
Argue with you doctors, they are not always right. My doctor was dumb found and in shock, he has forgotten about it by now, I live with it everyday, my shock hasn't gone away. He was very sorry and I am living without Devan.
Had he done the ultrasound on the 6th when I was there, he would have seen the blood clot and Devan would be here with me.
Hope, I can't tell how sorry I am. The hospital I had him in had a Resolve Through Sharing group. It helped me. The "head" lady, called me, talked to me, let me cry. And helped me figure out how to grieve for my-self...at the time, I didn't know up from down. Just devistation. Look for something like that to help you and your husband. You will not grieve the same, but you stick together through it. Hope, I'm thinking of you and I'm grieving for you, I know it hurts sweetie, you take care of your-self. And to everyone else, good luck, make your doctors take care of you! Leslie
cheryl27
02-10-2005, 09:31 PM
It was mothers day may 12th 2002 almost 3 years ago but I remember the day like it just happened. I got up and felt fine was 24 weeks pregnant with twin boys and extrememly excited. We had went a week prior and purchased everything for their room. I got up the morning of the 12th and felt fine. I got some breakfast and then called my mother to wish her a happy mothers day. I hung the phone up and suddenly was having the most severe cramping I had ever felt. I went right to the hospital to find that I was fully dialated and there was nothing they could do. They told me they would not make it through the delivery and there was no sense in a csection because they didnt feel they would make it anyways. So withing a couple hours I delivered twin boys and both were stillborn. I blame myself alot , I keep thinking they werent even given a chance. Maybe I should have went to another hospital or demanded for a c-section. I dont know. However I can tell you, You will never forget that day. Through time and alot of support you will heal. I go to their grave sometimes and talk with them. That seems to help alot. I miss them terribly still. I remember leaving the hospital and feeling so alone. I felt completely empty. I know that they are safe though and they are my guardian angels.
Cheryl
Cheryl
Hope2Heal
03-04-2005, 11:35 PM
HI everyone
So, there is a miscarriage and stillbirth board. I think it is a wonderful idea. This post was originally started on the pregnancy board, but I guess they moved it.
I just recently came home from the hospital. I mentioned in the previous post that I had a flu. Well, thats what the doc said when I went to him the first time with a fever and lower body aches. almost 2 weeks later, of suffering at home, turns out I had septic thrombophlebitis (infected blood clots in my leg) and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks straight. I was admitted on valentines day, the day my husband and I were going to our first grief support group for parents who lost a child. It was terrible. 2 IV antibiotics, blood thinners, painkillers, antidepressants, anyhow I am home and the doctors screwed up again missing the clot when i first went in. Yes, same doctors, my OB/gyns. Now I am on blood thinners for 6 months and cannot get pregnant on it. I was horribly depressed in the hospital and I didn't think I would make it out of there with my sanity. I completely had lost my appetite and was living on sprite, graham crackers and peanut butter.
I am feeling better little by little every day, but the clots will still take 2-3 months to dissolve. I am trying to peice my life back together.
I still feel so sorrowful over the loss of Patrick. I think about him constantly. I cry a lot. I fantasize that he is here and well and then wake up again in reality. It sucks and hurts and can't wait til the day my life starts to make some sense.
Thanks for everyones support.
So, there is a miscarriage and stillbirth board. I think it is a wonderful idea. This post was originally started on the pregnancy board, but I guess they moved it.
I just recently came home from the hospital. I mentioned in the previous post that I had a flu. Well, thats what the doc said when I went to him the first time with a fever and lower body aches. almost 2 weeks later, of suffering at home, turns out I had septic thrombophlebitis (infected blood clots in my leg) and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks straight. I was admitted on valentines day, the day my husband and I were going to our first grief support group for parents who lost a child. It was terrible. 2 IV antibiotics, blood thinners, painkillers, antidepressants, anyhow I am home and the doctors screwed up again missing the clot when i first went in. Yes, same doctors, my OB/gyns. Now I am on blood thinners for 6 months and cannot get pregnant on it. I was horribly depressed in the hospital and I didn't think I would make it out of there with my sanity. I completely had lost my appetite and was living on sprite, graham crackers and peanut butter.
I am feeling better little by little every day, but the clots will still take 2-3 months to dissolve. I am trying to peice my life back together.
I still feel so sorrowful over the loss of Patrick. I think about him constantly. I cry a lot. I fantasize that he is here and well and then wake up again in reality. It sucks and hurts and can't wait til the day my life starts to make some sense.
Thanks for everyones support.
mperrin
03-10-2005, 01:26 PM
Hi,
First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is very devastating. I work with a woman who lost her child about 2 weeks before due date. She didn't have your complications. She went to a normal doctors visit and they told her they couldn't get a heartbeat. I don't remember the cause, but I know it was very hard on her. Months later I spoke at length with her. My child would have been about 4 months older than hers. I asked her if she would like to meet my baby and I brought her in to see her later that day. She loved that.
One day you will find that you can go on. I am sorry that insult was added to your injury. It seems so unnecessary. I would definitely get a new ob/gyn. Especially one who will monitor you. When I was expecting my fifth (at 40), I was already border line with high blood pressure. I was amazed at how I was monitored throughout my whole pregnancy. I probably went to the doctor twice as many times as what you might consider normal. I am shocked that doctors out there take for granted that they have TWO lives that are at risk because of that "everything is ok" attitude.
I hope you success in the future and Patrick will soon have a sibling here on earth to look over.
I will be thinking of you and your dh.
~~M
married 5-24-86
miscarried 9-86
first 3-19-88
second 5-3-90
third 2-19-92
miscarried 6-98
fourth 11-17-99
miscarried 10-2001
fifth 7-8-2003
First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is very devastating. I work with a woman who lost her child about 2 weeks before due date. She didn't have your complications. She went to a normal doctors visit and they told her they couldn't get a heartbeat. I don't remember the cause, but I know it was very hard on her. Months later I spoke at length with her. My child would have been about 4 months older than hers. I asked her if she would like to meet my baby and I brought her in to see her later that day. She loved that.
One day you will find that you can go on. I am sorry that insult was added to your injury. It seems so unnecessary. I would definitely get a new ob/gyn. Especially one who will monitor you. When I was expecting my fifth (at 40), I was already border line with high blood pressure. I was amazed at how I was monitored throughout my whole pregnancy. I probably went to the doctor twice as many times as what you might consider normal. I am shocked that doctors out there take for granted that they have TWO lives that are at risk because of that "everything is ok" attitude.
I hope you success in the future and Patrick will soon have a sibling here on earth to look over.
I will be thinking of you and your dh.
~~M
married 5-24-86
miscarried 9-86
first 3-19-88
second 5-3-90
third 2-19-92
miscarried 6-98
fourth 11-17-99
miscarried 10-2001
fifth 7-8-2003
Bell99
03-20-2005, 08:24 PM
I am so sorry this happened to you! I am fighting back tears as I read it.
I lost a baby but I was 12 weeks along. It was devasting .
While in the midst of my pain someone told me "you'll have a baby to take care of in heaven". I can't tell you how such a simple thing helped so much but it did. It's been 7 years and I still think I will have a baby waiting for me.
I was blessed five years ago with a healthy baby girl.
xoxo
I lost a baby but I was 12 weeks along. It was devasting .
While in the midst of my pain someone told me "you'll have a baby to take care of in heaven". I can't tell you how such a simple thing helped so much but it did. It's been 7 years and I still think I will have a baby waiting for me.
I was blessed five years ago with a healthy baby girl.
xoxo
tamaraheiner
03-21-2005, 12:05 PM
I feel the same way. I even dreamed about a baby, and i don't know, maybe it was the baby i lost or maybe it was one that will come, but i know i loved it in my dream and when i woke up i still loved it.
esantrwis
06-08-2005, 04:32 PM
I've just read your heartbreaking story, and it's really comforted me to hear someone elses story similar to mine.
I was 21 weeks pegnant with my first son when I felt something wasn't right.
I saw my doctor had scans and was reassured nothing was wrong.
By 22 weeks I had heavy pains in my thighs and bleeding.
I was internally examined and told that they couldn't see where I was loosing the blood from and that I was eperiencing these pains due to tiredness.
By 23 weeks from the opening of my cervix I could actually feel what felt like a bubble protruding from there.
I was examined again and told they could not see anything and that the neck of the womb was tightly closed, by this time I felt I was going mad.
Within 12 hours I was back at hospital demanding an explanation when my waters broke, by this time I was 3 cm dilated and labor was inevitable.
I was given nifedipine to try and stop the contractions and delay labor while I was given steroids to give my sons lungs a fighting chance when he was born.
I was in active labor for 72 hours and put on a tilted bed to keep my baby inside me as long as possible, I was unable to have any form of pain relief due to babies prematurity.
When my son William was born he cried, which was hard for me to believe as he was only 1 pound and 5 ounces in weight.
He was rushed to the neonatal unit, where I was told he had a 40% chance of survival. But if he could make it through the next 3 days his chances increased to 80%.
We prayed and he made it through the critical days the doctors were amazed by his determination and so were we, but I had to keep a rational thought at the back of my head that he wouldn't make it.
I expressed breast milk and he had it through a tube, I watched him in his incubator day after day watching him grow wriggle kick and even open his eyes, he was perfect except for his tubes.
When he heard our voices he would wriggle more and as the days passed I let myself believe that maybe I would be taking my son home one day.
When he was 11 days old as we were leaving him on his night visit the nurse asked me if I would like to change his nappy the next day and I cried with joy and excitement all night.
The next morning we had a call from the hospital that William had become unwell through the night and they feared he may have an infection.
We got to the hospital and although all the nurses and specialists said that he was strong and that he could fight it, as I looked at my son I knew he had given up.
He opened his eyes and tried to cry through his tube for the first time and I knew he had had enough.
We gave him 4 hours to try and battle and I sat there holding his tiny hand telling him about all the wonderful things we would do together if he could make it.
In the end the doctors said there was nothing more they could do for him and it would be kinder to let him go.
Although my stomach raged to fight and fight, my heart wanted him to be at peace and I ached just to wrap my arms around him and kiss his forehead.
They led my husband and I to a quiet room while we waited an eternal 15 minutes as they removed his tubes.
The door opened and a nurse came in with a tiny bundle in her arm and she handed him to me.
I held him and I looked at his face, I was amazed by how peaceful he looked, his mouth even looked like he was smiling.
I sat with him for a while but I knew if I didn't give him back soon that I would never be able to. I kissed my brave little man and handed him back.
I was given a box containg his sheet, hat and blanket.
And as I left the hospital with this box in my hand I couldn't help but feel that after everything I had come away with a box in my arms not my son.
I had to throw myself into funeral arrangements to keep my sanity, and I must say seeing his tiny white coffin lowered into the ground was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I had to keep strong as my husband and my 4 and 2 year old daughters needed me.
I remember everyone saying well at least he wasn't your first or the girls will keep you busy, but my eldest daughter had met William she had rubbed my belly when I was pregnant, and trying to explain to her without getting too upset that he was gone and never coming back was heart breaking
But I do thank William for the special days he gave me and family.
He was only with us a brief time but the courage he showed us has touched everyone that ever knew him.
He was a special blessing and we'll never forget him.
Thankyou for telling your story it has given me the courage to write mine as our special angels should be celebrated forever.
At Williams funeral we played Kirsty Macolls Thankyou for the days as this was such a poignant song and I felt it was his song.
And it would comfort me to think that who ever reads this when they hear that song they think of my son.
I was 21 weeks pegnant with my first son when I felt something wasn't right.
I saw my doctor had scans and was reassured nothing was wrong.
By 22 weeks I had heavy pains in my thighs and bleeding.
I was internally examined and told that they couldn't see where I was loosing the blood from and that I was eperiencing these pains due to tiredness.
By 23 weeks from the opening of my cervix I could actually feel what felt like a bubble protruding from there.
I was examined again and told they could not see anything and that the neck of the womb was tightly closed, by this time I felt I was going mad.
Within 12 hours I was back at hospital demanding an explanation when my waters broke, by this time I was 3 cm dilated and labor was inevitable.
I was given nifedipine to try and stop the contractions and delay labor while I was given steroids to give my sons lungs a fighting chance when he was born.
I was in active labor for 72 hours and put on a tilted bed to keep my baby inside me as long as possible, I was unable to have any form of pain relief due to babies prematurity.
When my son William was born he cried, which was hard for me to believe as he was only 1 pound and 5 ounces in weight.
He was rushed to the neonatal unit, where I was told he had a 40% chance of survival. But if he could make it through the next 3 days his chances increased to 80%.
We prayed and he made it through the critical days the doctors were amazed by his determination and so were we, but I had to keep a rational thought at the back of my head that he wouldn't make it.
I expressed breast milk and he had it through a tube, I watched him in his incubator day after day watching him grow wriggle kick and even open his eyes, he was perfect except for his tubes.
When he heard our voices he would wriggle more and as the days passed I let myself believe that maybe I would be taking my son home one day.
When he was 11 days old as we were leaving him on his night visit the nurse asked me if I would like to change his nappy the next day and I cried with joy and excitement all night.
The next morning we had a call from the hospital that William had become unwell through the night and they feared he may have an infection.
We got to the hospital and although all the nurses and specialists said that he was strong and that he could fight it, as I looked at my son I knew he had given up.
He opened his eyes and tried to cry through his tube for the first time and I knew he had had enough.
We gave him 4 hours to try and battle and I sat there holding his tiny hand telling him about all the wonderful things we would do together if he could make it.
In the end the doctors said there was nothing more they could do for him and it would be kinder to let him go.
Although my stomach raged to fight and fight, my heart wanted him to be at peace and I ached just to wrap my arms around him and kiss his forehead.
They led my husband and I to a quiet room while we waited an eternal 15 minutes as they removed his tubes.
The door opened and a nurse came in with a tiny bundle in her arm and she handed him to me.
I held him and I looked at his face, I was amazed by how peaceful he looked, his mouth even looked like he was smiling.
I sat with him for a while but I knew if I didn't give him back soon that I would never be able to. I kissed my brave little man and handed him back.
I was given a box containg his sheet, hat and blanket.
And as I left the hospital with this box in my hand I couldn't help but feel that after everything I had come away with a box in my arms not my son.
I had to throw myself into funeral arrangements to keep my sanity, and I must say seeing his tiny white coffin lowered into the ground was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I had to keep strong as my husband and my 4 and 2 year old daughters needed me.
I remember everyone saying well at least he wasn't your first or the girls will keep you busy, but my eldest daughter had met William she had rubbed my belly when I was pregnant, and trying to explain to her without getting too upset that he was gone and never coming back was heart breaking
But I do thank William for the special days he gave me and family.
He was only with us a brief time but the courage he showed us has touched everyone that ever knew him.
He was a special blessing and we'll never forget him.
Thankyou for telling your story it has given me the courage to write mine as our special angels should be celebrated forever.
At Williams funeral we played Kirsty Macolls Thankyou for the days as this was such a poignant song and I felt it was his song.
And it would comfort me to think that who ever reads this when they hear that song they think of my son.
weepyone
06-09-2005, 07:57 PM
hope2heal
I do hope you will heal well, take your time. sending you best wishes in your time of sadness. Hope you find some support from not only your family and friends but everyone here on this board. Thinking of you at this difficult time :angel:
The courage of you sharing your story has helped others in their healing and allowed them to share their stories, thank you. :)
I do hope you will heal well, take your time. sending you best wishes in your time of sadness. Hope you find some support from not only your family and friends but everyone here on this board. Thinking of you at this difficult time :angel:
The courage of you sharing your story has helped others in their healing and allowed them to share their stories, thank you. :)
huntertrace
07-09-2005, 02:55 PM
im sorry for your loss. i dont quite know what your going through but i lost my 3 month old son in feb, 2004 of sids and i know how bad that has hurt me. my prayers go out to you
krystal288
07-21-2005, 12:56 AM
Hi Hope2Heal,
I'm truly very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby Patrick.. :( My thoughts and prayers are with you and DH.. :angel: I know how you feel right now.. My sister had a miscarriage when her baby was 4 months and when she found out her baby boy did not make it.. It was devasting and heart breaking.. :( I felt my sister's pain and yours as well.. I don't have any kids of myself yet.. I have been ttc for 3 1/2 yrs and each month, I break down with tears finding myself not pregnant.. My prayers are with you, Dh, and your family.. I know Patrick is not here anymore, but he will always be in your heart forever.. He's in heaven and he knows how much you loved him.. I know it's going to take a very long time to recovery.. Just remember time heal all wounds... I will pray for you that your next baby will be healthy and easy pregnancy... I hope these words will make you feel better... Lots of luck and wishes for you and DH... Take care...
Krystal :angel:
I'm truly very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby Patrick.. :( My thoughts and prayers are with you and DH.. :angel: I know how you feel right now.. My sister had a miscarriage when her baby was 4 months and when she found out her baby boy did not make it.. It was devasting and heart breaking.. :( I felt my sister's pain and yours as well.. I don't have any kids of myself yet.. I have been ttc for 3 1/2 yrs and each month, I break down with tears finding myself not pregnant.. My prayers are with you, Dh, and your family.. I know Patrick is not here anymore, but he will always be in your heart forever.. He's in heaven and he knows how much you loved him.. I know it's going to take a very long time to recovery.. Just remember time heal all wounds... I will pray for you that your next baby will be healthy and easy pregnancy... I hope these words will make you feel better... Lots of luck and wishes for you and DH... Take care...
Krystal :angel: