Hedgehog No 1
01-21-2005, 02:49 PM
Let me start by saying, that at this point, I don't know what I'm going to say. I might just try and get out of my system what is inside and see if it helps. I initially want some feedbak from others because maybe there is a connection with parents and this illness - and I don't mean on a genetic level.
I need to quantify things a little so there is a better degree of understanding of my personal position, so please stick with me.
My mother - unloving, distant, rejecting. Suffered badly whilst 'carrying' me as a baby (relevent?) Suffered post-natal depression after my birth (relevent?) Throughout my teenage years would deliberatly get me into trouble with my father. She would claim I had said and done things that were false(why?) This was litterally a daily occurance. She shows NO interest at all concerning her ONLY grandchildren (she even refused to be called grandma early on).
My father - violent, aggressive, control freak, hyper-competative. Would frequently beat me with little or no provocation. Mostly following comments from my mother. I can sum up his lifelong behavoir in a single incident. When I was 16, I fell of my push bike* and broke my right forearm in two places. I admit I was trying to pull 'wheelies' at the time but I don't consider that the punishment fits (the alleged) severity of the 'crime'. I had returned from the Emergency Room with a pot** on. I was sitting in the front room in a (realistically sinificant) degree of pain - my memory was that I could still feel the warmth from the freshness of the application of the pot.*** As my father arrived home, my mother explained what I had done and he immediately 'laid into me'**** SO MUCH. I wet myself. I rememder clearly, trying to keep my broken arm stuck out to the side of me so he didn't hit it and cause me even more pain.
TRANSLATION MODE -
*Push bike = bicycle.
Bike = motorbike = motorcycle.
**Plaster cast.
*** Any one who has had one fitted will understand the warmth reference.
****Expression - without restraint in a fight.
There always was a HUGE degree of favoritism for my elder sister. There still is. Personally I don't care anymore about her. OR how my parents treat her in relation to me - as I see it, their relationship has nothing to do with me.
I NEVER recieved ANY degree of recognition for my numerous achievements throughout my life. MY sporting achievements are a small book in it's own rite. Then consider the fact that I am ex - Special Forces. He refuses to even ADMIT that I was even IN the Armed Forces. He actuallt tells people (Carol included) it's a false memory - whatever that is???
When my son was four he had a race with him and didn't even let him win. Now, that on it's own might not sound to bad, but... after my son got upset, my father told him(remember he was four) If he was going to beat him it would be 'fair and square'. Since my son grew(now 8) he can run like 'greased weasel 5417' as such my father REFUSES to have a race with him.
Heres a good one -
NOTE TO MODERATOR -
I will use first names ONLY - it is VERY relevent.
I will NOT use any SURNAMES - as per the rules.
If this is NOT acceptible I appologise - delete this paragraph - thank you.
My mother was named Mary Elizabeth Maureen ... - she chose to call her self Maureen.
My father was named - Kenneth Harry ... - he chose to be called Ken.
My sister was named - Teresa Dawn ... - she chose to be called Dawn.
I was named - Malcolm Kenneth ... - I have called myself Mal - for more than 30 years. * My parents INSIST on calling me by my full name. Even though they know I HATE it and I have spent 30 years telling them to change. Yesterday my father told me "I had to earn the rite to be called Mal"
* My hatred of the full use of the name comes from an advert in the early seventies in this country that led to a stereotyping of the name.
I was NEVER allowed ANY degree of respect or privacy when I was a child or even a teenager. For a few examples. I was never allowed to re-arrange the furniture in my bedroom or even put up on the walls, posters of people I liked (Debbie Harry). Also, I NEVER got any mail for me that was unopened. There was always an excuse like this...
"I saw the M'' in the title and thought it was for me" - mother
"I saw the 'K' and thought it was for your father" - mother
"I saw the 'MR' and thought it was for me" - father
My parents used phrases like -
"If your face wants to smile, let it - if it doesn't, make it". Oh Yeh, really helpfull.
I went through a phase of answering honestly when they asked me how I was feeling - after I answered, my father would always answer "Yeh, me too" just so he wasn't lef out of anything.
Yesterday my father told me his best yet -
"you have had your fun with this illness nonsense. It is now time to get a grip on yourself".
Now I know that my problems are 'mild' compared to some, even here on this site. I understand that there are WORSE things that can happen and I will NOT mention some of the people here who I call friends who have experienced such problems. BUT, this is MY attemt to deal with MY problem by asking for YOUR help/advice/suggestions.
Having just re-read this it has made me feel a little better.
Now that is just the START of how I feel about them.
I won't mention my first wife.
I won't mention my second wife - this mainframe isn't big enough!!!
Is it ANY SURPRISE that I see a Psy Doc!!!!!
Hedge.
I'm off for a cup of tea...
I need to quantify things a little so there is a better degree of understanding of my personal position, so please stick with me.
My mother - unloving, distant, rejecting. Suffered badly whilst 'carrying' me as a baby (relevent?) Suffered post-natal depression after my birth (relevent?) Throughout my teenage years would deliberatly get me into trouble with my father. She would claim I had said and done things that were false(why?) This was litterally a daily occurance. She shows NO interest at all concerning her ONLY grandchildren (she even refused to be called grandma early on).
My father - violent, aggressive, control freak, hyper-competative. Would frequently beat me with little or no provocation. Mostly following comments from my mother. I can sum up his lifelong behavoir in a single incident. When I was 16, I fell of my push bike* and broke my right forearm in two places. I admit I was trying to pull 'wheelies' at the time but I don't consider that the punishment fits (the alleged) severity of the 'crime'. I had returned from the Emergency Room with a pot** on. I was sitting in the front room in a (realistically sinificant) degree of pain - my memory was that I could still feel the warmth from the freshness of the application of the pot.*** As my father arrived home, my mother explained what I had done and he immediately 'laid into me'**** SO MUCH. I wet myself. I rememder clearly, trying to keep my broken arm stuck out to the side of me so he didn't hit it and cause me even more pain.
TRANSLATION MODE -
*Push bike = bicycle.
Bike = motorbike = motorcycle.
**Plaster cast.
*** Any one who has had one fitted will understand the warmth reference.
****Expression - without restraint in a fight.
There always was a HUGE degree of favoritism for my elder sister. There still is. Personally I don't care anymore about her. OR how my parents treat her in relation to me - as I see it, their relationship has nothing to do with me.
I NEVER recieved ANY degree of recognition for my numerous achievements throughout my life. MY sporting achievements are a small book in it's own rite. Then consider the fact that I am ex - Special Forces. He refuses to even ADMIT that I was even IN the Armed Forces. He actuallt tells people (Carol included) it's a false memory - whatever that is???
When my son was four he had a race with him and didn't even let him win. Now, that on it's own might not sound to bad, but... after my son got upset, my father told him(remember he was four) If he was going to beat him it would be 'fair and square'. Since my son grew(now 8) he can run like 'greased weasel 5417' as such my father REFUSES to have a race with him.
Heres a good one -
NOTE TO MODERATOR -
I will use first names ONLY - it is VERY relevent.
I will NOT use any SURNAMES - as per the rules.
If this is NOT acceptible I appologise - delete this paragraph - thank you.
My mother was named Mary Elizabeth Maureen ... - she chose to call her self Maureen.
My father was named - Kenneth Harry ... - he chose to be called Ken.
My sister was named - Teresa Dawn ... - she chose to be called Dawn.
I was named - Malcolm Kenneth ... - I have called myself Mal - for more than 30 years. * My parents INSIST on calling me by my full name. Even though they know I HATE it and I have spent 30 years telling them to change. Yesterday my father told me "I had to earn the rite to be called Mal"
* My hatred of the full use of the name comes from an advert in the early seventies in this country that led to a stereotyping of the name.
I was NEVER allowed ANY degree of respect or privacy when I was a child or even a teenager. For a few examples. I was never allowed to re-arrange the furniture in my bedroom or even put up on the walls, posters of people I liked (Debbie Harry). Also, I NEVER got any mail for me that was unopened. There was always an excuse like this...
"I saw the M'' in the title and thought it was for me" - mother
"I saw the 'K' and thought it was for your father" - mother
"I saw the 'MR' and thought it was for me" - father
My parents used phrases like -
"If your face wants to smile, let it - if it doesn't, make it". Oh Yeh, really helpfull.
I went through a phase of answering honestly when they asked me how I was feeling - after I answered, my father would always answer "Yeh, me too" just so he wasn't lef out of anything.
Yesterday my father told me his best yet -
"you have had your fun with this illness nonsense. It is now time to get a grip on yourself".
Now I know that my problems are 'mild' compared to some, even here on this site. I understand that there are WORSE things that can happen and I will NOT mention some of the people here who I call friends who have experienced such problems. BUT, this is MY attemt to deal with MY problem by asking for YOUR help/advice/suggestions.
Having just re-read this it has made me feel a little better.
Now that is just the START of how I feel about them.
I won't mention my first wife.
I won't mention my second wife - this mainframe isn't big enough!!!
Is it ANY SURPRISE that I see a Psy Doc!!!!!
Hedge.
I'm off for a cup of tea...
Sponsor
weasel
01-21-2005, 03:13 PM
you are lucky you are only bipolar after coming out of that! holy "explicitive" ! i could not imagine having parents like that. god bless you. i would be in jail by now if mine were like that. i got aggravated just raeading it. mind games are the worst, and then the physical harm on top of it?? (((((HUGS)))))
kiehn
01-21-2005, 03:29 PM
Hedge
Im very sorry to hear about your heart condition, hopefully it will be resolved soon.
Im also sorry to hear about your thyroid, that I do know can be taken care of
via med. It may even help you to feel better psycholically.
Life must have been very difficult growing up and I can certainly see why you feel
as you do towards your parents. They do seem to protray odd behaviors but keep in mind I do have a mental illnes, so my opinions are not reliable.
I hoping you will receive a plenty of response which will be helpful to you.
Im sorry I cant be of anymore help right now as I have been feeling pretty low and
have to force myself to say anything positive. Good Luck and best wishes
Im very sorry to hear about your heart condition, hopefully it will be resolved soon.
Im also sorry to hear about your thyroid, that I do know can be taken care of
via med. It may even help you to feel better psycholically.
Life must have been very difficult growing up and I can certainly see why you feel
as you do towards your parents. They do seem to protray odd behaviors but keep in mind I do have a mental illnes, so my opinions are not reliable.
I hoping you will receive a plenty of response which will be helpful to you.
Im sorry I cant be of anymore help right now as I have been feeling pretty low and
have to force myself to say anything positive. Good Luck and best wishes
dragon25
01-21-2005, 03:31 PM
I also have also come from a bad home. Both my parents were alcoholics an drug addicts. My mother is also bipolar. I don't want to go into great detail but it wasn't a pretty child hood. I followed in their footsteps but straightened myself out. After I got clean and sober, I discovered I was bi-polar! All of the sudden I had to face the real me! I am still trying to find out who I really am now that I am almost living like a normal person. I think you are right about the parents!
Hedgehog No 1
01-21-2005, 05:05 PM
DRAGON 25 - Welcome, thanks for joining in. Good luck to you on journey of self-discovery.
K - Talk to me, I'm here until about 23:00 ZULU time then again from 08:00 in the morn.
Hedge.
K - Talk to me, I'm here until about 23:00 ZULU time then again from 08:00 in the morn.
Hedge.
kiehn
01-21-2005, 05:56 PM
Hedge
Although the bipolar is herditary I also have some phychosis, horrid instrusive thoughts.
That the better I feel the less they bother me. I do feel my chidhood has something to do with my insecurity and extreme senitivity. As life growing up was more about surviving each day then growing and learning. Although I know it's me and I over react to people comments or actions even worse I tend to read more into the comments and take them as criticism or judging me, I still cant control it. Which sends me into depression. Some of it may have to do with my doctor changing my meds. She wants to get me off Lithium for several reasons and my recent blood level is almost at a toxic state so she lowered my lithium and added Abilify. I noticed the lithium drop right away and felt more depressed, but I just started the Abilify so it's a wait and see situation. Thanks for asking.
As far as you parents go they both sound like them have some sort of mental
disorder, but I dont understand the meanness. It's pretty obvious talking to
them is out. My parents deny their actions as well, but it's taken me 48 yrs
to finally see my father's has typical bipolar behavior. Dont know why
I never saw it before. My mother has some kind of mental disorder as well.
Irregardless after writing a typed 23 page letter to them regarding all the
things they did that affected me and my immediate family and received no
response. I finally asked them to stay out of my and my families life. Of
those in my immediate family the only one that still has any feelings of loss
is me. I hope others have a better solution for you. Thanks Hedge, for
sharing your story.
Although the bipolar is herditary I also have some phychosis, horrid instrusive thoughts.
That the better I feel the less they bother me. I do feel my chidhood has something to do with my insecurity and extreme senitivity. As life growing up was more about surviving each day then growing and learning. Although I know it's me and I over react to people comments or actions even worse I tend to read more into the comments and take them as criticism or judging me, I still cant control it. Which sends me into depression. Some of it may have to do with my doctor changing my meds. She wants to get me off Lithium for several reasons and my recent blood level is almost at a toxic state so she lowered my lithium and added Abilify. I noticed the lithium drop right away and felt more depressed, but I just started the Abilify so it's a wait and see situation. Thanks for asking.
As far as you parents go they both sound like them have some sort of mental
disorder, but I dont understand the meanness. It's pretty obvious talking to
them is out. My parents deny their actions as well, but it's taken me 48 yrs
to finally see my father's has typical bipolar behavior. Dont know why
I never saw it before. My mother has some kind of mental disorder as well.
Irregardless after writing a typed 23 page letter to them regarding all the
things they did that affected me and my immediate family and received no
response. I finally asked them to stay out of my and my families life. Of
those in my immediate family the only one that still has any feelings of loss
is me. I hope others have a better solution for you. Thanks Hedge, for
sharing your story.
princesspea
01-21-2005, 06:14 PM
Hedge,
I too came from a pretty bad family. My Father was an alcoholic and my mother was the queen of denial. My father was violent and unpredictible. He also molested me while he was drunk.
My mother also rejected me in favor of my older sister and younger brother. First I was a surpise...unplanned and second I came out a girl. My name* is Jamie Justine. They hadn't picked out a girls name so they just changed James Justin. I could tell many stories simular to yours.
Long story short...My Father got sober when I was about 17 or 18. He changed his life and went from the town drunk to one of the most respected men in his community. I was still left with the scars with no way to deal with them. My mother slowly became out of control. I don't think she was bp but something's going on there.
My Father died from cancer when I was about 30. He and I made amense when I got clean and sober at 26. I figured if I was expecting people to forgive me I had to forgive him. I'm at peace with that. My father though was the glue that kept everything together. My Mom and sister have a weird bond and they both went over the top when he died.
I finally had to cut my family off because they became too much to deal with and stay well. I finally figured out I would never do the right thing in their eyes. Nothing I acommplished would be enough. I also realized I didn't want to end up like them.
This was a little easier for me because they live on the other side of the country (in PA). And it's a BIG country. :D I also don't have any children I had to think about though, I think I probably would have done the same thing even with children for their sake. They wouldn't have needed to hear those things about their mother.
My parents never understood bp and chose not to. My mother said she just didn't care.
You've been through 2 wives? I've been through 4 husbands. I married Gene 9 and 11/12's years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I'm glad you have someone like Carol now so you don't have to kiss as many frogs. All my marriages are not a big surprise considering the Incested and bp AND alcoholism. The first two were very nice men...I ran them into the ground with alcohol and bp and too much running around. My third husband is what I call "My reason for getting sober". He drove me to it. :D I took a good look at my life and decided this was the way I was going to live (or worse) unless I made some changes. Number 4 was an alcoholic who never quite figure out how to stay sober. He brought home a girl one night when he was drunk. She was pregnant! I served her coffee (she didn't know about me) and threw him out. Gene was one of my best friends. I took two years off of dating to just be with me. At the end of those two years Gene told me he had been in love with me from the first time we met but never would have said anything because I was married and then needed a break but he wasn't going to take a chance on me getting away.
My final family straw was after my x brought home the girl they told me they were picking his side not mine. I said fine and walked away. I, until this year, still had problems at the holidays but I am the better for it.
I don't know if this helps at all but it does feel good to dump it. Thanks Mel!
Love,
Jamie
I too came from a pretty bad family. My Father was an alcoholic and my mother was the queen of denial. My father was violent and unpredictible. He also molested me while he was drunk.
My mother also rejected me in favor of my older sister and younger brother. First I was a surpise...unplanned and second I came out a girl. My name* is Jamie Justine. They hadn't picked out a girls name so they just changed James Justin. I could tell many stories simular to yours.
Long story short...My Father got sober when I was about 17 or 18. He changed his life and went from the town drunk to one of the most respected men in his community. I was still left with the scars with no way to deal with them. My mother slowly became out of control. I don't think she was bp but something's going on there.
My Father died from cancer when I was about 30. He and I made amense when I got clean and sober at 26. I figured if I was expecting people to forgive me I had to forgive him. I'm at peace with that. My father though was the glue that kept everything together. My Mom and sister have a weird bond and they both went over the top when he died.
I finally had to cut my family off because they became too much to deal with and stay well. I finally figured out I would never do the right thing in their eyes. Nothing I acommplished would be enough. I also realized I didn't want to end up like them.
This was a little easier for me because they live on the other side of the country (in PA). And it's a BIG country. :D I also don't have any children I had to think about though, I think I probably would have done the same thing even with children for their sake. They wouldn't have needed to hear those things about their mother.
My parents never understood bp and chose not to. My mother said she just didn't care.
You've been through 2 wives? I've been through 4 husbands. I married Gene 9 and 11/12's years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I'm glad you have someone like Carol now so you don't have to kiss as many frogs. All my marriages are not a big surprise considering the Incested and bp AND alcoholism. The first two were very nice men...I ran them into the ground with alcohol and bp and too much running around. My third husband is what I call "My reason for getting sober". He drove me to it. :D I took a good look at my life and decided this was the way I was going to live (or worse) unless I made some changes. Number 4 was an alcoholic who never quite figure out how to stay sober. He brought home a girl one night when he was drunk. She was pregnant! I served her coffee (she didn't know about me) and threw him out. Gene was one of my best friends. I took two years off of dating to just be with me. At the end of those two years Gene told me he had been in love with me from the first time we met but never would have said anything because I was married and then needed a break but he wasn't going to take a chance on me getting away.
My final family straw was after my x brought home the girl they told me they were picking his side not mine. I said fine and walked away. I, until this year, still had problems at the holidays but I am the better for it.
I don't know if this helps at all but it does feel good to dump it. Thanks Mel!
Love,
Jamie
Ruth6:11
01-21-2005, 06:29 PM
I must be the total wacko who had a good childhood but is bipolar anyway!
I have seen so many people withOUT bipolar disorder who are totally messed up because of abusive childhoods. I lived with one for almost 3 yrs.
And there others like me - just not on the boards I guess...
:angel:
I have seen so many people withOUT bipolar disorder who are totally messed up because of abusive childhoods. I lived with one for almost 3 yrs.
And there others like me - just not on the boards I guess...
:angel:
princesspea
01-22-2005, 12:14 AM
Ruth,
I don't blame my bipolar on my childhood! I do have other problems from my childhood. I'm on the illness side of this. I have no doubt I have an illness of the brain just like my diabetes is an illness of my pancrious (SP?). I didn't mean to miss lead anybody. I'm sorry if I did.
Love,
Jamie
I don't blame my bipolar on my childhood! I do have other problems from my childhood. I'm on the illness side of this. I have no doubt I have an illness of the brain just like my diabetes is an illness of my pancrious (SP?). I didn't mean to miss lead anybody. I'm sorry if I did.
Love,
Jamie
kiehn
01-22-2005, 02:26 AM
Ruth
I dont think you are a wacko just fortunate enough to have had a good childhood.
I agree with what Jamie is saying, my bipolar is heditary however the trauma's of
childhood still affect me as an adult and are constant triggers of my bipolar.
I dont think you are a wacko just fortunate enough to have had a good childhood.
I agree with what Jamie is saying, my bipolar is heditary however the trauma's of
childhood still affect me as an adult and are constant triggers of my bipolar.
Shakespeare
01-22-2005, 03:54 AM
Bless you for living through all of that!
You may be right about parents but not in the way you are thinking. I have 2 children, both diagnosed Bipolar1. One is also ADD. They were not diagnosed until they hit puberty(early teens).
While they were young their father was distant, at best. At the worst he was domineering, aggressive, he would humiliate them if he had the chance and no matter what they would say about their feelings he always had it worse.
I, on the other hand, would run interference between them and their father and when he was not around I made sure they experienced a happy secure place. He was in the military and would often be shipped out for months at a time.
When the children were diagnosed with Bipolar the doctors wanted to test everyone in the family. It turns out their father was Bipolar but had never been tested before. His behavior started to make sence when looked at as a manic episode with aggression as the outlet.
Our son has the aggression problem when he is manic but we know how to deal with it,
Maybe some of your parents behaviour is a symptom of their own Bipolar Disorder. Someone with Bipolar1 who is off their meds will act in ways they would never think of acting while they are medicated.
That does not excuse their treatment of you. They were the adults there and it was their responsibility to get help if they needed it.
That also does not diminish the harm they did to you. Stay strong. When dealing with people who refuse to understand that you cannot just turn off your bipolar disorder sometimes all you can do is smile and emotionally just walk away.
Hope this helps.
You may be right about parents but not in the way you are thinking. I have 2 children, both diagnosed Bipolar1. One is also ADD. They were not diagnosed until they hit puberty(early teens).
While they were young their father was distant, at best. At the worst he was domineering, aggressive, he would humiliate them if he had the chance and no matter what they would say about their feelings he always had it worse.
I, on the other hand, would run interference between them and their father and when he was not around I made sure they experienced a happy secure place. He was in the military and would often be shipped out for months at a time.
When the children were diagnosed with Bipolar the doctors wanted to test everyone in the family. It turns out their father was Bipolar but had never been tested before. His behavior started to make sence when looked at as a manic episode with aggression as the outlet.
Our son has the aggression problem when he is manic but we know how to deal with it,
Maybe some of your parents behaviour is a symptom of their own Bipolar Disorder. Someone with Bipolar1 who is off their meds will act in ways they would never think of acting while they are medicated.
That does not excuse their treatment of you. They were the adults there and it was their responsibility to get help if they needed it.
That also does not diminish the harm they did to you. Stay strong. When dealing with people who refuse to understand that you cannot just turn off your bipolar disorder sometimes all you can do is smile and emotionally just walk away.
Hope this helps.
Hedgehog No 1
01-22-2005, 07:44 AM
REPLIES
To ALL of you, thanks for the comments and supprt. It does help, honest.
Weasel - appologies for not mentioning your posting earlier, thank you.
K - hang in there, work through it, WE (not just I) value your input.
Jamie - Sounds like you found 'your one true love', thanks for sharing.
Ruth - ALWAYS a smile when I see your name and a posting. I see you as the 'solid point of reference' around here, directing towards ' normality '...
Shakespeare - WELCOME to the boards. Thank you for your contribution, you are welcome on any thread, especially mine, feel free to comment or criticise, anytime, that way we can all learn from each other about each other and (hopefully) about ourselves.
Post soon,
Hedge.
To ALL of you, thanks for the comments and supprt. It does help, honest.
Weasel - appologies for not mentioning your posting earlier, thank you.
K - hang in there, work through it, WE (not just I) value your input.
Jamie - Sounds like you found 'your one true love', thanks for sharing.
Ruth - ALWAYS a smile when I see your name and a posting. I see you as the 'solid point of reference' around here, directing towards ' normality '...
Shakespeare - WELCOME to the boards. Thank you for your contribution, you are welcome on any thread, especially mine, feel free to comment or criticise, anytime, that way we can all learn from each other about each other and (hopefully) about ourselves.
Post soon,
Hedge.