Daughter's emotional and mental well being [Archive]

iridium_pegasus

01-23-2005, 12:38 AM

I am not really sure where to post this. Almost 3 weeks ago my STBXW(soon to be ex wife) said she wanted to move out. Said she needed some time away, to think things over. I said ok. She then moved herself and the 2 daughters to another town, 20 miles away where she worked and put them in school there. 1 week after she started staying at her new place, she promptly moved in her new BF. A man she had met on the internet months ago and hadn't met in person until the day before she moved him in with them. My daughters are 6 and 8. They were already having problems with the idea of seperation, let alone divorce. So in the space of about 2 weeks, they loast there home, school, family, and have a strange man living with them. What is likely to be the effect on there mental and emotional well being? I really need help so I can decide what I should do. I DO NOT want to cause any more harm to their psyches than already has been done

Sponsor

Rani*

01-23-2005, 01:37 AM

Have you considered talking to a social worker and a lawyer?

iridium_pegasus

01-23-2005, 01:46 AM

I have not talked to a social work, but have talked to two therapists. I have also talked to a lawyer. Both therapist say that this is not a good thing for them, but I am unsure how to proceed. I DON'T want to start a big fight, but she INSISTS this is for the BEST interest of the girls

Rani*

01-23-2005, 02:04 AM

I agree it's not a good environment for your daughters. Sometimes things have
to get worse before they get better, talk to your daughters and listen to your heart.

iridium_pegasus

01-23-2005, 01:35 PM

Last night while trying to get them into bed, the oldest was acting up. Finally I just asked her why she was doing that. Then the fireworks really started. She started crying and said she wanted to stay here all the time. That mom had the BF, and how she didn't like BF there, that it was wrong, but she couldnt tell here mom or take it out on her because then the BF might leave and not love her any more, and then if BF left mom wouldn't love her anymore. She said some stuff about how mom told them they had to treat the BF with respect, but she feels her mother isn't trating her that way. She said she does not wont the BF there. What to do?

Rani*

01-23-2005, 02:48 PM

Your situation is such a common one these days. Sure you could go for custody. Even if you got custody your daughters would miss their mother as much as they
miss you now. Worse case you dont get custody and your ex-wife takes it out on
you which your daughters could loose from as well. Such a sad situation. I wonder
if group counseling for you and your daughters would be of help. Maybe a counselor
would have some suggestions that could help you decide what's best. Good Luck

iridium_pegasus

01-23-2005, 03:22 PM

I aksed her today if there was anyone she wanted to talked to about this stuff, I was hoping she say her school counselar. She said just me and my mother, because she trusts us. I asked her why didn't want to tell her mom this too, she said she didn't trust her mother. I am so concerned right now. I don't want to alienate her from her mom. But I also don't want to let her stay in a situation she has no control over and doesnt want to be there. I just wish I knew what the right thing to do was.

Rani*

01-23-2005, 05:03 PM

Encouraging her to talk to the school counselor might be helpful. They certainly
have dealt with this situation many times. Plus if the counselor was to contact
her mother maybe she would be more considerate of your dauthers.

kerry1

01-23-2005, 10:32 PM

I'm not clear - are these girls your daughters, stepdaughters, adopted daughters?? How much legal right do you have? I don't think your ex has the right to say that she knows what's best for the kids and yank them away from you all of a sudden. I'm assuming you have not abused them. Please don't take offense at that, because I'm assuming that you have NOT.

When I was a little girl I wished my parents would divorce so I could go live with my father. They never got divorced. Later, my father said Oh no, I would never take you away from your mother - it would hurt her feelings. I was thinking, what about MY feelings?!

Your little girls' feelings are delicate as glass right now. Please tread carefully (you seem to be). I hope you can convince your ex that they're not her property, either.

iridium_pegasus

01-24-2005, 02:53 AM

they are MY daughters. And no, I have never abused them. I would kill myself first. I was physically abused by my father. I worried about that all the time. I had a hard time even spanking them, because I was always thinking about whether it was right or wrong and such. The ex says she knows what is best for them period. She has said where they will live, when they can be with me, what school they go to. I am so afraid of doing the wrong thing and making it worse for them. They already have so much against them now. Seeing a lawyer soon.

iridium_pegasus

01-29-2005, 02:57 AM

My STBXW is telling my oldest daughter that she can't tell me anything mom and her talk about, that it's a secret. I don't tell my daughter not to tell her mother anything. Is this right?

Ruth6:11

01-29-2005, 04:04 PM

That is simply awful!!
Now, if you DO talk to your ex about what she told your oldest daughter it will be out that your daughter did tell you something that she's "not supposed to".

What it DOES tell me is that there are things going on out there that your ex doesn't want you to know about. Bad news either way.

I wouldn't call her Mom a liar to your oldest daughter's face, but I would laugh a little and tell her very reassuringly that you are her father and whatever she would talk to her mom about she can certainly talk to you about. Except what to get you for Christmas.
Like that kind of.

kerry1

01-29-2005, 08:43 PM

I'm really appalled at your ex. She sounds like a bully. If she knew what's best for her daughters, she would stay on friendly terms with you, be flexible about custody, and would definitely NOT have a boyfriend moving in with her that she barely knows. She would know that your little girls love you AND need you both. She would be gentle with their feelings and not use them as little pawns in her game. Do you have a good lawyer? You need to borrow money if necessary to get good legal counsel. You also need to stand your ground with your ex. It's really hard when you're afraid she's going to snatch your own children away from you, but it's what you need to do!! I'm rooting for you.

iridium_pegasus

01-31-2005, 12:01 AM

Got a lawyer, papers have been filed, going for primary physical custody of my daughters. As part of going to court I have been writing down everything I can rememeber about what she said and did. The day before she went to get her BF, she told me she was going to scar the children for life. The day before that, she had told me that it was time for her to be selfish. Of course I didn't know about the BF moving in then. I had asked her, when she told me she was moving out, if she was going to hook up with this guy and she said no. The oldest has told me that the new BF hurt her. And then her mom just told her he didn't mean too. Now I know kids don't always get things right, I wasn't there, I don't know what happened, but I have to believe my daughter, but also I can't just go over there and take them away. I had the girls this weekend. My STBXW was the one that told me when I could see them and not see them. Both of them told me they wanted to stay tonight, and have me take them to daycare in the morning. The STBXW said she needed to talk to the oldest, so I let her. I could tell she was saying something to to guilt her into going back tonight, because the oldest was saying stuff like I guess so and OK maybe that is fair. I don't know if this was the right thing to do but it is what I did. I took the phone back from my daughter, covered it so W couldn't hear and told my oldest, if you want to go back to your mom's thats fine, if you don't that's fine too. You decide and I will back you on your decision. I have told the W many times that if the girls don't feel like seeing or talking to me, they don't HAVE too. I feel, with all that's going on in their lives, they shouldn't be forced to be with one parent or the other if they don't want to be.
The W has also told people how she plans to go to Canada after tax season, she works in a cpa firm. She has talked about moving there before. She tells people about how much her daughter like the new BF, but she seems to forget to mention that she told them that they HAVE to respect him and treat him nice, no matter how they feel. She even made a deal with the oldest, that she would buy her some nice stuff, if she treats the BF nice. All I tell my oldest is that I love her, and to always be HONEST about what she feels with EVERYONE. Not to tell me something because she thinks thats what I want to hear. I am so turned around inside. I just want to be the best Dad I can be and do what is right for my girls.

kerry1

01-31-2005, 09:47 PM

The ex is planning to move to Canada? With the girls, I suppose? If you're all US citizens, that's going to be difficult because from what I know, both parents have to remain in the same country - even the same state - as each other to have joint custody of their children.

Divorces are usually so hard on children, but especially hard when one parent gets mean & manipulative. My stomach hurts just thinking about your situation; I can imagine how your little girls' stomachs feel. Poor things. I hope they end up with you.

teko2000

02-01-2005, 01:11 AM

If at all possiable try and get custody of your kids. Sounds like your wife is confused and not thinking right. Let her see the kids on the weekends, you sound more stable. I would put the kids in the most stable enviroment. and who knows if this internet guy will even work out. I would think not.
I feel for you but your a great dad looking for help for your kids. I hope all works out for you guys

iridium_pegasus

02-02-2005, 01:20 AM

Putting my girls in the middle of what is coming is tearing me up inside. My oldest telling me she wants to live with me, my youngest telling me she is tricking her mother. I called to talk to them last night before they went to bed. Youngest didn't want to talk to me. Which is fine, she's not a big phone person anyway. The oldest was doing home work so the STBXW said she would have her call when she was done. 45 minutes later the STBXW calls me and say very rudely?" TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER" She got on and she was crying and upset. She was having a hard time with the home work and her mom was getting mad. Which made me remember something. Everytime the girls misbehaved or were being rambunctious, they were MY DAUGHTERS, not OUR DAUGHTERS. I am really worried for them. But have to wait for her to get served and their reply :(

Tonight I took my girls out to dinner. They told me that this morning they were ready to go but their mother wasn't so they went and laid back down. The BF came in and started banging a spoon on a pot until they got up and kept it up so they couldn't lay down. To me that doesn't seem right. He is not the PARENT.

kerry1

02-02-2005, 09:13 PM

He doesn't act like a parent, either. Banging a spoon is a nasty way to wake someone up in the morning. Especially if they're children.

iridium_pegasus

02-03-2005, 03:58 PM

Well, she is supposed to get served papers today. I hope I am doing the right thing. I miss my girls a lot.

iridium_pegasus

02-04-2005, 12:28 AM

She got served papers today. O boy did she get mad. Called me a lying sack of s**t right in front of my 6 year old daughter. I had gone to the daycare. Was just going to visit with them until STBXW showed up. She wasn't showing up, so oldest asked if we could go to the park. I told her call her mom. Mom was mad but said ok. Before she got to park, she got served the D and Temp Cust papers. When she got there she was VERY angry. Kids didn't want to leave. The youngest kept saying she was hungry. I had told her if her mom didn't show up in 5 minutes, we would call and see if we could go to McDonalds. Mom showed up. told them both it was time to go. They didn't want to. The youngest went and got into my car and locked the door. She wouldn't get out. Wife DEMANDED I get her out. I said I am not going to pull her out of the car and stick her in her car. If she wanted, she could get her out of the car. She called me more names. The oldest said she wanted to go with her sister. Wife made some comments and then the oldest said she would go with her mom instead. I told the oldest that was fine. She said she had to go with her mom because it was HER fault her mom was mad at me. I told her she had nothing to do with it. That her mom was mad at me and would be for awhile and it had nothing to do with her. So tonight I have the youngest, W has the oldest. W also told me, since I wanted to play dirty, she would play dirty too. :( O life can suck sometimes.

kerry1

02-04-2005, 01:48 AM

If I were Social Services, I would say "Here you go, Dad, these kids are yours. Mom gets supervised visitation." But unfortunately, that's not how Child Services works. I've seen a glimpse of it and God help them, they have a thankless job with little or no satisfaction of seeing justice done. They have to work within the law, they have huge caseloads and probably concentrate on the worst ones, like where there's blood flowing and fists flying. Cussing & manipulative behavior are not felonies, harmful as they are to young children. All I'm saying is: be realistic about the outcome and fight as hard as you can!! Stay calm, brother, I'm thinking about you and crossing my fingers.

iridium_pegasus

02-05-2005, 05:55 PM

It gets better. That night since I had the youngest with me, the oldest was with her mom and the BF by herself. So she tells me shes in bed. Mom and BF go into bedroom. Soon she starts hearing noises and she gets afraid.(think they was having sex, but it doesn't matter) She is to afraid to get out of bed. Later the bedroom door opens and she yells for her mom because she is scared. Does mom come in and see whats going on. NOPE. The BF does!! ***?? She's the parent, not him.

iridium_pegasus

02-10-2005, 01:49 AM

Yesterday my oldest daughter called from school and said she was sick and wanted me to come pick her up. So I said sure honey I will be there as soon as I can. Picked her up and let the STBXW know that I had her. The W tells me I am NOT ALLOWED to do that and I have to bring her to her right away. My sick kid calls me to have me pick her up and I am NOT ALLOWED. Glad my lawyer is on the case and working hard to get a custody order in place. Her mom calls later and says she is coming by in one hour to pick her up. The D says she still isn't feeling well and wants to stay the night. The W says no. And says she needs to talk to her. The D says she doesn't feel like talking to her. The W gets more angry and says well she can't stay there unless I get to talk to her. I convince the D to talk to her mom. And while I have no idea what the W was saying, by what the D is saying, the first question her mom asks is not how are you doing, but why did you call your dad. After a minute the D hangs up. I say ok so whats going on, she says she is spending the night. The W calls right back and say, well you might as well get the other one too then. I am like cool I will be glad too. So got them both again :) For a night.

iridium_pegasus

02-16-2005, 12:34 AM

Well the BF is going back to Canada for awhile. From the rumors I hear from mutual friends, her lawyer told her that was the only way for her to get custody. I am just so happy for my daughters, this will make that part of their lives much easier.

iridium_pegasus

02-20-2005, 03:40 PM

kerry1

02-20-2005, 05:13 PM

Found out the BF popped the oldest D with the door. Seems she was in her bedrrom and she called for her mom. The BF came and stood in the doorway to see what was going on. The D told him to get out, he wouldn't. So she tried to close the door on him. She says she thinks she might have hurt him doing it, then he popped the door into her head. Her mom made the excuse that since he doesnt have any kids, he doesnt know how to deal with kids. What kid of BS is that?

UTTER B.S. I don't have kids, either. Common sense tells me that you don't "pop" kids with the door or hurt them in any way on purpose. The BF should be staying out of the way and letting Mom deal with the kids. He shouldn't be going in their bedrooms.
I hope he stays in Canada.

washee

02-26-2005, 10:44 PM

From experience, if I were you, would get a binding order that she can't take the kids out of state or country. BTH she can't just come to Canada and work as it takes about 1 year to be approved, and that only if she has a sponsor. Also she can't become a permanant resident if their is still custody issues not resolved. Good luck

Samantha317

02-27-2005, 02:43 AM

Found out the BF popped the oldest D with the door. Seems she was in her bedrrom and she called for her mom. The BF came and stood in the doorway to see what was going on. The D told him to get out, he wouldn't. So she tried to close the door on him. She says she thinks she might have hurt him doing it, then he popped the door into her head. Her mom made the excuse that since he doesnt have any kids, he doesnt know how to deal with kids. What kid of BS is that?

Divorce is never easy, especially on the children. My ex-husband and I divorced 8 years ago and we have 3 boys. My youngest is now 21 years old. It has been hard but we made it.

I hope the BF stays in Canada and if W wants to go....I hope she has sense enough to let the girls stay with you. I would be scared to have a total stranger move in with me, much less with my kids there.

I would be sure to have everything documented especially the door incident. Yes, I agree that is BS!

Good luck,
Sam :wave:

iridium_pegasus

02-27-2005, 03:28 AM

O, it gets better. When I filed the divorce papers, I just said I was uncomfortable with her BF living there, and that I had been taking care of the kids while she went to school. Just minor stuff like that. She came back with I have never taken care of the kids and never have been able too. She said her BF wasn't a BF just a male friend who came to visit. A total pack of lies. Some will be easy to disprove, others somewhat harder. WHen she told me she was moving out, I cried for hours. My girls saw that, I cried a lot over the next week. Now she says she had NO idea that I didn't want her to leave. The problem is, this is a revenge thing for her. 4 days after the BF moved in, I talked to her. She said the BF moving in was a good thing for the girls, and if he moved out they would learn never to trust men. She said she had research and it would stand up in court and she would be happy to do just that. Well guess what, her lawyer told her to ship the BF out. So now she is mad at me, because I got my way and she didn't. And I am happy I got my way, because now my girls can feel safe when they are with there mom, and she HAS to spend time with them, instead of with the BF. I told her that divorce is very hard on kids and parents have to do EVERYTHING they can to make it as easy as possible. Even putting their own wants and desires on hold for awhile. Well she didn't want to do that. Now she just wants revenge on me :( But my girls are better off and thats all I care about.

Samantha317

02-27-2005, 05:28 PM

iridium_pegasus

02-27-2005, 10:46 PM

Samantha317

02-28-2005, 02:40 AM

The woman who was both our marriage counselor and our individual counselor, has been on counseling my still. And since the wife left, she cant and wont counsel her because of conflict of interest stuff. She left a message on my answering machine, suggesting a family counselor for me and the girls. She also said that she believed The STBXW would escalate this into a war and make it really nasty. Guess the counselor read her well.
Hmmmm very interesting...I guess I wasn't too far off base after all.

Your counselor not only read her well, she knows what she is capable of. If at all possible I would get that family counselor for you and the girls. You are going to need it. Not to be tacky....but it will look good to the court.

Take care,
Sam :angel:

iridium_pegasus

03-03-2005, 02:11 AM

Well I have filed my response to her pack of misinformation. Now its wait 10 days or so to see what the judge says about the TCO. She is doing a fine job of alienating her own kids. I had the youngest, but the oldest went with her mom last night. Tonight the oldest tells me her mom didn't do anything with her last night, she just played on the internet. The oldest says we (her, her sister, and me) should just move to where my mother lives. I asked her well what about your mom, she said "Mom makes her own decisions and doesn't want any help from me. I could go live with her in like 3 years." My youngest doesn't alway hug her mom. I take them to my ceramics class every so often, and she ALWAYS hugs a lady that is in the class with me. Granted I don't like my STBXW much anymore, but I still want the D's to love her. The part of my that is still in love with the STBXW wants to tell her what she is doing wrong, but I know she would just try to use it against me. :( ahh well

iridium_pegasus

03-04-2005, 03:29 AM

Today my oldest wrote a letter for the judge. She wants him to get it right away, but we haven't even seen one yet. I have no idea what it says, but I am not worried. She wanted to email it. She printed it out and sealed it in an envelope. I told her to save it, and when the time came she could give it to the judge.

iridium_pegasus

03-08-2005, 12:52 AM

Samantha317

03-08-2005, 03:23 AM

Today had a MANDATORY mediation orientation. The STBXW was there too. Then went to MANDATORY parenting class about the affects of divorce on kids. Found out I have been doing a few things wrong, and she did a lot of things wrong. Now just need to hope and pray. I have never wanted them NOT to have a relationship with their mother, I just feel she isn't going to put their needs first, in this time when that's what needs to be done.

I agree with you that this is especially hard on the girls. It is so sad. They really need both of you to be looking out for their best interests. I am glad that at least they offer and even mandate these classes, at least no one can claim ignorance. You can't change your STBXW but, you can continue to be there and support your girls. I hope and pray that everything works out for you and your girls. Hang in there and continue to be a good dad. Believe me, they will appreciate and respect you for it. They may not always show it but they need that stability in their lives right now.
Wishing you all the best,
Sam :wave:

iridium_pegasus

03-08-2005, 01:47 PM

Ya, I have noticed that. They act up and misbehave, and They have consequences for these actions. The oldest has yelled at me, and other things, yet they continue to want to spend time with me. I let them express their feelings and try to help them understand. The STBXW would not let the oldest talk to her about this. The oldest told me every time she tried to talk to her mom, she would just get ticked off. The STBXW COMPLAINS because I spend time with the children at the park or take them to the beach. She won't do that stuff, she never liked doing that stuff. I do because I like too, and that's what they need right now is a lot of love and to be doing things with what ever parent they are with. Last week the oldest stayed with mom and the youngest stayed with me. The oldest has a ***** IM account so she can send me IM's anytime she wants. I was on the phone talking to my mother and noticed the oldest was on at around 7:30pm. Sent her a hello. She started sending back a bunch of the audibles. A couple of minutes later, I checked, and the XW was in her fantasy online game playing. The next day the oldest complained her mom didn't do anything with her. So she just sat her in front of her computer and spent her time online playing this game with her BF. And she wonders why the girls prefer to spend time with me and not her. I told her when she left the girls were going to need lots of attention and love and respect, but I don't think she listened to me. :( O well. I just have to keep being there for them when I can.

iridium_pegasus

03-08-2005, 11:08 PM

SO went to visit the girls. Picked them up from daycare and went to the park. Oldest was upset and mad at her mom about last night. She said after her mom picked her up from her grandpa's, she told her she wanted to come spend the night with me. Her mom practically screamed no (well that's what she says, wasn't there). Then when they got home, the oldest told her mom she had a right to say where she wanted to go, and her mom told her she didn't. So today, she is saying she doesn't ever want to go back to her mom's. What to do?

Summer Girl

03-09-2005, 11:33 AM

I am baffled at why this woman seems to be in complete control about what does and doesn't happen. Why isn't it equal? Why is it that whatever she says, goes?
Because she feels that whatever she thinks is in the best interest of the children?
What makes her decisions right and your feelings on what is best wrong?

In other words, why doesn't your feelings, thoughts, views and opinions count for anything and hers counts for everything?

Who gave her the authority?
I didn't notice anyone did unless I missed it when reading this thread.
And if I did miss it and someone really did give her authority, why was it decided that it was her to be the one that makes the big decisions?

iridium_pegasus

03-09-2005, 02:22 PM

My guess would be, because when she moved out, she already had a plan or vision about how her life would be. Her BF would move in with them and they would be one big happy family. I didn't realise all the lies and planning she had put into this until she moved the BF in and posted some stuff on a BB on the internet. So in the very beginning, I didn't stand up right away, because at the time, I was hoping for a reconcilitaion, and she was saying stuff that made me think it was possible. By the time I learned the truth, some things had already been done, because I was trying to be a nice guy. She has always wanted things to be a certain way, or she would get upset. I have no doubt my duaghters care for their mom a lot, but she doesn't want to listen to their feelings, because she was the one that moved out and moved a BF in. So she doesn't want to her them tell her how they don't like it, or they don't like the BF. If the daughters are not with her M-F and in the school and day care SHE WANTS, then things won't be going the way she wants. In the years that we have had problems, and talked about seperating, she has always stated she wouldn't take the girls on weekends. I believe in her mind, it is all about what is FAIR to HER, and what SHE WANTS, not what is FAIR to the girls, and what their feelings might be.

iridium_pegasus

03-09-2005, 02:26 PM

Samantha317

03-10-2005, 06:55 AM

Here's a question for you. The other day my oldest daughter(she will be nine in a couple of weeks) asked me a question. She said that we had talked about getting a divorce before, but worked it out. Why can't we do the same thing now? Obviously I can't say the basic truth, that her mom has a new BF she wants to be with, so she doesn't want to be with me. I kind of evaded the question. What do you say at that point?

I am not an expert but why can't you tell her the truth? In my opinion she needs to hear that mom has a new BF. She already knows that fact. She is wanting with all of her heart for everything to be back to the way it was. She wants mom and dad to work things out. She wants to know why from you because, she knows you will tell her the truth. I would be very positive about it and not say anything negative about your STBXW, but I would state the facts. If you are honest with her she will respect you for it.

It would be better for the girls if you would take a stand for them. Obviously your EW is thinking of herself and her needs. She will try to control every situation just to get back at you even if it means hurting the girls. It is very unhealthy for them and they already feel that mom is pushing them away to put her feelings and wants before their needs.

I have stated before this is going to be a war. You can't be a nice guy in a war for your children's best interest. I would get them into the family counseling and take steps to make sure she can't take complete control.

There are also some good books you can search and read exerpts from on the web. Good luck and best wishes.

Sam :wave:

iridium_pegasus

03-15-2005, 09:45 PM

Well got the TCO today. The judge stated for now that they will stay in their current school and we will have joint custody. Me 5 days then her 5 days. Will see what happens later on. Spring break starts next week. The stbxw called my mother last week and stated that I should take the girls down to where she lives for spring break. The EW told me she needed me to take the girls from th 17th to the 29th. I wonder why she wants us out of town and why she doesn't want to have them during spring break?

iridium_pegasus

03-17-2005, 04:21 PM

Talked to the STBXW last night for a minute. She said yes she wanted me to pick up the girls tonight and have them stay with me until the 29th. She called this morning to remind me of a program the oldest has tonight and to let me know the youngest was sick. I asked her if she was going to the program, she said yes, but she might not stay for it all. She called back later and said the youngest was still sick and wasn't going to school today. I said well if she's sick, maybe she should just stay with her tonight. She said that was not posible, because the BF was coming into town.... UHM whats more important, SICK KID or BF??

ctk2004

03-26-2005, 11:09 PM

First off the best thing right now is just listen to your children. Second you need to have a mature sit down conversation with your ex. Telling her that you only want the best for your children and she needs to consentrate on them and not herself. That sounds like she is selfish. After you guys talk have a family sit down with both girls and yourselves. DO NOT INTERRUPt let them say what ever they feel like saying about the situation and explain to them no matter what they say you (including ex) are NOT going to get upset or treat them differently. I will tell you from personal experience as a child who got a stepdad at 4 and almost all other stepkids that I talk to that they hate their stepdad. They may be no grounds for it other then its not you with mommy. I hated my stepdad until i left home. Not that he ever did anything really wrong to me but i felt like he was replacing my dad. So like i said you and ex need to be mature about this and really concentrate on whats best for your kids and not her own pleasuress.

iridium_pegasus

03-28-2005, 02:17 AM

Ya, I got a step dad at 10... Hate him til this day. The STBXW called today. Wanted to discuss stuff. She is planning on going to Cananda for 2 weeks, the last half of April. Wanted to make sure I would take the girls. She said she would take them with her, but she doesn't want them to miss school. She seems to forget the TCO, where they are 5 days with me, 5 days with her. Also she doesnt seem to realise that since we have Joint Custody, I have to give my permission for them to go. I didn't mention any of that. I just said that since the oldest hates her BF, that would go over real well. She said well that's why the need to go to counseling. What is kind of interesting is this. She wants SOLE custody, yet I keep getting the girls so she can be with her BF. In Feb I had the oldest 19/28 and the youngest 23/28 days. In March oldest 20/27 and youngest 21/27 days so far. In April I will again have them the VAST majority of the month if she goes to Canada to be with her BF. I just don't understand her anymore. I beleive she was originally trying to set him up as a replacement. But when I sued for custody, he had to go home. I asked her what will happen when she decides to move to Canada. SHe said we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I really think that she believes she will get custody and be able to take the girls with her to live with her and the BF.

Samantha317

04-01-2005, 02:36 PM

Hi :wave:

Sorry I haven't posted in a while I was in the hospital.

I hope you are documenting the time you are keeping the girls. Everything needs to be documented, all conversations, when she wouldn't keep the youngest when she was sick, her BF's actions to your daughter's, her intentions of moving the girls to Canada, etc. What does your lawyer have to say about all of this?

The ex wife doesn't even care about the girls. She sure didn't have their best interests in mind when she moved a total stranger in the same house with them. As someone else mentioned....who knows what this guy is really like? She just met this guy on the internet. How does she know he isn't some Psyco, pervert or both :eek: !

Maybe she will just move to Canada and leave the girls with you since her best interests lies within herself. I really don't understand how a mother can do that to her own children. :confused:

I hope things work out for you and your girls.

Best wishes,
Sam :angel:

iridium_pegasus

04-01-2005, 08:23 PM

She is going to Canada in April. I will have my daughters from the 13th to May 1. She told me she would have taken them with her, except she didn't want them to miss school. I didn't go into the legal part about where she can't take them out of country without my expressed written permission. I just told her "ya that would be good considering our oldest doesnt like your BF" She said well thats why our daughters need to be in counseling. Like the counselor is going to tell them they have to like the BF. That damage has already been done. The oldest(9 on Mar 26) told me she "DESPISED" her mom's BF. I didn't even know she knew what that word meant. The thing that really ticked me off lately is she did not ask to see her daughter on her birthday. My mother was in town and dropped some of the ex's stuff off at the ex's. The ex told my mother, o be sure to have daughter call me. *** why should the D have to call her mom on HER birthday. Well her mom did call after all, but never tried to spend any time with her D. Oregon law mandates at least 3 hours for the other parent on the birthday. I would have gladly said sure take her for a few hours and do something with her. We have started mediation, can't talk about that. Wish I could. My mother is planning on moving to where I live permanently in 2 months or so. SO that will be really good for them. They really like my mom.

My oldest has already told the counselor about the BF hurting her. But she has only seen her once and that was with me in the room. She will start seeing her by herself soon. Theres a lot of anger in her.

Will post more later.

Samantha317

04-02-2005, 12:26 AM

Do you really believe she would have taken them with her if they were not in school? I don't believe it for a minute. She is too self centered and clearly wants her needs to be met no matter the cost to her own daughters. I feel for you and your daughters. I am glad to hear that your mom is moving closer to be with you. She will help the girls immensely.

I am glad that the girls are in counseling. Don't ever underestimate what a 9 year old knows. The girls both know a whole lot more than you think. The oldest has good reason to be angry. I would be too.

You have a lot on your plate and I hope you don't take my suggestions as being critical of you. I just want you to be aware of some things that you might not know about or being blindsided by the ex. I am still hoping you get full custody of the girls.

Best wishes,
Sam :angel:

iridium_pegasus

04-07-2005, 01:31 PM

Well we had the second counseling appointment. The Ex was there too. The oldest didn't want to talk with either of us in there, but when I took them before she had no problem talking with me in there. Think the Ex's big push is to get them to accept her BF. The counselor did say they would work on that, but the way she said it, it didn't sound like that was a priority for her. The Ex cancelled her trip to Canada. Not sure why. I think it was because my lawyer asked for a custody evaluation. Also, she was supposed to get some money from an annuity. The lawyer sent her lawyer a reminder, that until the divorce is complete, that is considered a marrital asset and she can't just spend it. Both D's have told me that when the BF comes back, they want to come stay with me. Don't know how that will play out or work, but we will see when we get to that point. Can only do the best I can :)

iridium_pegasus

04-08-2005, 11:10 AM

Found out last night that the STBXW told the oldest D that the reason she didn't see her on her Bday is because she can't come into my house. She never even called or asked about coming over and she could have asked to take her out for a few hours.