bluelakelady
01-25-2005, 11:34 AM
Often I read here of the deep feelings some of you have about losing your "old" way of life. I hear words such as, "I feel like I have been robbed of my life."
Sometimes I hear, "I don't want to live my life if this is what it will be like.", and saddest of all, "My spouse is going to leave me". There are so many changes going on in your lives you feel swamped by the waves of emotion and pain. I hear the words of broken hearts, confused minds, tormented bodies, crying out for understanding, compassion and patience. I see the words of those cries gone unheeded.
Quietly I witness your words. In my minds eye I see you lying in your bed, puttering about your house doing the chores, walking on the beach, strolling thru the Spanish moss dangling from branches bare with winter, walking the streets of big cities and tiny towns. Within each of you I sense a ray of hope. Hope that your life will somehow find balance. Hope that peace is just around that next corner. Hope that an answer will be found and you will be free of this illness within your body.
Hope is a good thing. It will not, however, take care of today. Hope is based on an unseen tomorrow, not today. Today requires determination and guts. In order to really live today you have to embrace today. No matter how that day feels.
Our culture says pain is a bad thing and must be chased away. Our culture says we must feel good all the time. Our culture says we have a pill to fix anything that is wrong with you. I for one think our culture is full of compost. Pain is a part of life. So is feeling good. And feeling bad and crying and mourning and skipping with joy. It's all life.
How many of you have explored the things you can do now? What new talents are developing within you? It's happening you know. Right now as you read this your body is evolving, adapting and learning. New aspects of ability are coming to the forefront. I never knew I could paint until I got so bored I just had to do something! I was going nuts with all that time and no ability to do the old things I used to.
One day I just sat my butt down and gave myself a lecture. I chose the voice of my father to listen to. "Are you just going to sit here and watch yourself waste away? Isn't there anything you can think of that you would like to learn? You have all this time and you walk around wishing for something to do, so think of something? Don't you remember how much you loved to try new things? Can you possibly have forgotten who you are in all of this? You can do anything you set your mind to. If you could rebel with as much flair as you did you can use that determination to find new purpose. Rebel against that part of you that would succumb."
I am now old enough to listen to my fathers voice. Even tho he died almost 30 years ago I knew what his words would be. I decided to be a gardener first. I did not know the first thing about gardening, well maybe the first, seed and water and sun, but how much sun and how much water and are those tiny seeds really going to grow that big plant? The first year I went crazy buying seed packets, popping them in little plastic containers filled with soil and watering them every day. I kept them by the wood stove at night and in the sunniest windows during the day. Most of the seeds came up, some were a total bust.
Gently I planted the little plants. I had these plants I thought were sage. I created this tall mound to grow them on. Then one day a neighbor who really is a gardener came by. When I showed him my sage mound he smiled and said those look like broccoli to me. Then he went on to tell me broccoli would not grow in this climate. I was not deterred. I told him I planned to be the first person to have a broccoli mound that produced. I was right. We had broccoli all summer. Instead of ripping them out and taking another persons word I chose to see for myself. It has been 7 years since the broccoli lesson. I am a new me now. Filled with the old determination, imagination and a new sense of love for life as it is.
These days I know what I am doing in the garden, mostly. It was thru gardening that I discovered I could paint too. I grew bird house gourds one year. I wanted to see if painting would be fun and gourds sounded like an interesting way to start. My first works are done in 4 colors of paint. Now I see at least 50 bottles of paint, many brushes, sponges, and, well, stuff for painting. And I have graduated to painting flat surfaces as well. My brother works in a cabinet shop. He and his co-workers keep their eye out for waste wood I might like to paint on. I like the idea of recycling the waste wood into art.
My painting is abstract and impressionistic. I do not try to recreate reality. I like the fun of creating images that do not exist and leave much for the imagination to fill in.
We all have a choice to make when our perfect bodies are suddenly not so perfect anymore. At least according to our "old standard" of perfect. The way I see it my body did not abandon me. I almost abandoned it. I almost lost my will, my determination, my desire, my joy, in thinking that I was useless to myself or anyone else being "sick".
If you had a life before FMS, you still do. Your life is what you make of it.
Like my fathers voice said within me that day, "Are you going to just lie there feeling sorry for yourself? You have done that most of your life. Look where it has gotten you? Get out of that bed and get a life!" Thanks dad. As usual you are right. I love my life now. I love having FMS. For the first time my head is on straight and the view is clear blue! The sun comes out and I am here to see it. The stars shine and I am here to count them. The winds whip and I feel the power they infuse me with. The rain falls and I grow. Snow softly floats to earth and I am grounded in peace and quiet.
Someone once said here that I ought to have my own thread. This is my thread to all of you. Come to my garden filled with color and help yourself to some blossoms of patience, dance on my ground cover rippling in purples and greens and wiggle your toes in the love that supports your very being. Fill your heart with sunshine and your mind with determination.
Yes, I am unique. So are you!
Peace,
bluelakelady
Sometimes I hear, "I don't want to live my life if this is what it will be like.", and saddest of all, "My spouse is going to leave me". There are so many changes going on in your lives you feel swamped by the waves of emotion and pain. I hear the words of broken hearts, confused minds, tormented bodies, crying out for understanding, compassion and patience. I see the words of those cries gone unheeded.
Quietly I witness your words. In my minds eye I see you lying in your bed, puttering about your house doing the chores, walking on the beach, strolling thru the Spanish moss dangling from branches bare with winter, walking the streets of big cities and tiny towns. Within each of you I sense a ray of hope. Hope that your life will somehow find balance. Hope that peace is just around that next corner. Hope that an answer will be found and you will be free of this illness within your body.
Hope is a good thing. It will not, however, take care of today. Hope is based on an unseen tomorrow, not today. Today requires determination and guts. In order to really live today you have to embrace today. No matter how that day feels.
Our culture says pain is a bad thing and must be chased away. Our culture says we must feel good all the time. Our culture says we have a pill to fix anything that is wrong with you. I for one think our culture is full of compost. Pain is a part of life. So is feeling good. And feeling bad and crying and mourning and skipping with joy. It's all life.
How many of you have explored the things you can do now? What new talents are developing within you? It's happening you know. Right now as you read this your body is evolving, adapting and learning. New aspects of ability are coming to the forefront. I never knew I could paint until I got so bored I just had to do something! I was going nuts with all that time and no ability to do the old things I used to.
One day I just sat my butt down and gave myself a lecture. I chose the voice of my father to listen to. "Are you just going to sit here and watch yourself waste away? Isn't there anything you can think of that you would like to learn? You have all this time and you walk around wishing for something to do, so think of something? Don't you remember how much you loved to try new things? Can you possibly have forgotten who you are in all of this? You can do anything you set your mind to. If you could rebel with as much flair as you did you can use that determination to find new purpose. Rebel against that part of you that would succumb."
I am now old enough to listen to my fathers voice. Even tho he died almost 30 years ago I knew what his words would be. I decided to be a gardener first. I did not know the first thing about gardening, well maybe the first, seed and water and sun, but how much sun and how much water and are those tiny seeds really going to grow that big plant? The first year I went crazy buying seed packets, popping them in little plastic containers filled with soil and watering them every day. I kept them by the wood stove at night and in the sunniest windows during the day. Most of the seeds came up, some were a total bust.
Gently I planted the little plants. I had these plants I thought were sage. I created this tall mound to grow them on. Then one day a neighbor who really is a gardener came by. When I showed him my sage mound he smiled and said those look like broccoli to me. Then he went on to tell me broccoli would not grow in this climate. I was not deterred. I told him I planned to be the first person to have a broccoli mound that produced. I was right. We had broccoli all summer. Instead of ripping them out and taking another persons word I chose to see for myself. It has been 7 years since the broccoli lesson. I am a new me now. Filled with the old determination, imagination and a new sense of love for life as it is.
These days I know what I am doing in the garden, mostly. It was thru gardening that I discovered I could paint too. I grew bird house gourds one year. I wanted to see if painting would be fun and gourds sounded like an interesting way to start. My first works are done in 4 colors of paint. Now I see at least 50 bottles of paint, many brushes, sponges, and, well, stuff for painting. And I have graduated to painting flat surfaces as well. My brother works in a cabinet shop. He and his co-workers keep their eye out for waste wood I might like to paint on. I like the idea of recycling the waste wood into art.
My painting is abstract and impressionistic. I do not try to recreate reality. I like the fun of creating images that do not exist and leave much for the imagination to fill in.
We all have a choice to make when our perfect bodies are suddenly not so perfect anymore. At least according to our "old standard" of perfect. The way I see it my body did not abandon me. I almost abandoned it. I almost lost my will, my determination, my desire, my joy, in thinking that I was useless to myself or anyone else being "sick".
If you had a life before FMS, you still do. Your life is what you make of it.
Like my fathers voice said within me that day, "Are you going to just lie there feeling sorry for yourself? You have done that most of your life. Look where it has gotten you? Get out of that bed and get a life!" Thanks dad. As usual you are right. I love my life now. I love having FMS. For the first time my head is on straight and the view is clear blue! The sun comes out and I am here to see it. The stars shine and I am here to count them. The winds whip and I feel the power they infuse me with. The rain falls and I grow. Snow softly floats to earth and I am grounded in peace and quiet.
Someone once said here that I ought to have my own thread. This is my thread to all of you. Come to my garden filled with color and help yourself to some blossoms of patience, dance on my ground cover rippling in purples and greens and wiggle your toes in the love that supports your very being. Fill your heart with sunshine and your mind with determination.
Yes, I am unique. So are you!
Peace,
bluelakelady
Sponsor
bluelakelady
01-26-2005, 12:29 AM
tonight i will fall asleep to the sound of rain and wind. may you all know a night of deep restful sleep. may you awaken in less pain with more love and tolerance for your body.
sweet dreams,
bluelakelady
sweet dreams,
bluelakelady
DecLady
01-27-2005, 08:55 AM
lady, you seem to embody what I try to live each day. I am not always successful, but I try to accept that this is part of me now...and sitting in a chair is not living. So, I work at trying to be a participant in my life..not just an observer. I have days ( this week seems full of them!) that are spent very quietly....but, the rest of my days I try to fill with beauty , friendship, and work....Those words are defined a bit differently for me now than they once were....But , they still exist, and can fill me up and make me feel like I didn't miss anything on that day. The hardest ones are when the illness flares so wickedly, that I cannot overcome it.....Those days fill me with sad thoughts, and make me less fun to be near. But, they aren't every day....and around them I work my life...weaving in and out and up and down....trying every day to feel the great things that my life IS full of....not only the pain and fatigue that may be around the very next corner....
Thanks for typing all your beautiful words...often they remind me that life is not only this illness....and some days I really need that reminder.
Thanks for typing all your beautiful words...often they remind me that life is not only this illness....and some days I really need that reminder.
bluelakelady
01-27-2005, 10:17 AM
thank you declady,
having fms is like being married to a total jerk who sometimes acts like a prince. yes? the days that i spend alone are always well spent. days in bed or in that chair are opportunities to improve inside of me. i work on being patient with my body so that i will have more patience for those around me. i work on having compassion for my gentle body that is in such pain. today is such a day. having compassion for myself is much harder than having compassion for others. so i learn, on the days when i cannot do anything "productive" that anyone can "see", how to do those things i want to do inside of me.
i thank you for your kind words. it is healing to discover your purpose in life. being here, offering my words to all of you, is a joyous perfect facet of my purpose, alive and breathing, ever flowing foreward.
painting took possession of me yesterday. from 7am till almost 5pm. i am painting my interpretation of the northern lights reflecting off jagged icebergs jutting pointedly toward the sky wrapped in an aura of hot pink. colors of neon, pink, blue, orange, green, purple, yellow all dance across the tops of deeply colored monolithes of ice. i chose deep vibrant reflections of the colors in the sky to stain the ice. it is for the physical therapy room where i go. healing takes color. and their room is so drab. there is no way that room is going to lift a healing human out of depression the way it is, so i asked if i could paint something for the wall. the painting is almost 3 feet long and about 22 inches high. i have pt today so i am going to bop off of here and see if i can paint some of this pain into a corner, ha! trap the little buggers and paint them purple!
sad thoughts will bite you in the arse. i paint them purple and pink and green. may the northern lights shimmer in your heart and mind chasing all the nonproductive thinking away!
peace my friend,
bluelakelady
having fms is like being married to a total jerk who sometimes acts like a prince. yes? the days that i spend alone are always well spent. days in bed or in that chair are opportunities to improve inside of me. i work on being patient with my body so that i will have more patience for those around me. i work on having compassion for my gentle body that is in such pain. today is such a day. having compassion for myself is much harder than having compassion for others. so i learn, on the days when i cannot do anything "productive" that anyone can "see", how to do those things i want to do inside of me.
i thank you for your kind words. it is healing to discover your purpose in life. being here, offering my words to all of you, is a joyous perfect facet of my purpose, alive and breathing, ever flowing foreward.
painting took possession of me yesterday. from 7am till almost 5pm. i am painting my interpretation of the northern lights reflecting off jagged icebergs jutting pointedly toward the sky wrapped in an aura of hot pink. colors of neon, pink, blue, orange, green, purple, yellow all dance across the tops of deeply colored monolithes of ice. i chose deep vibrant reflections of the colors in the sky to stain the ice. it is for the physical therapy room where i go. healing takes color. and their room is so drab. there is no way that room is going to lift a healing human out of depression the way it is, so i asked if i could paint something for the wall. the painting is almost 3 feet long and about 22 inches high. i have pt today so i am going to bop off of here and see if i can paint some of this pain into a corner, ha! trap the little buggers and paint them purple!
sad thoughts will bite you in the arse. i paint them purple and pink and green. may the northern lights shimmer in your heart and mind chasing all the nonproductive thinking away!
peace my friend,
bluelakelady
latte163
01-27-2005, 11:53 AM
BLL,
Your message was very enlightening and something we'd all like to strive for. I know I have many times said I've felt "robbed." Believe me, there are times where I eat my words- I know there are people who have it much worse than I do. I work, exercise (not as often as I should ;) ), have hobbies, LOVE to shop...so I don't sit at home and feel sorry for myself day in and day out. But there are many days where I am "pushing" through and trying to remind myself that I can do this.
It's very difficult to train your mind to believe differently. For me, anxiety and now depression swallowed me whole starting in about September. Not until now, after about 3 weeks on meds, am I having less panic attacks, crying less, etc. Sometimes we forget that there is a chemical imbalance in some of our brains and that we can't always change the way we think on our own. Lord knows I tried VERY hard to do so. I guess what I'm saying is that it can take a while to "train" your brain to accept life as you know it. Whether it be with meds, cog training, etc. You're right, society makes it seem like everything can "disappear" with some "magic" pill. We all know that that is not the answer, but rather something that some of us MAY need to help us over the hump. I know that medicine alone will not work and that I need to rethink my situation and develop a new way of looking at things. I'm hoping now that I have SOME control over the way my brain is working, I can attempt to "train" it to embody what your message suggests.
I anticipate the day that I can see life the way you do. Even reading your message made me breathe more calmly and let out a sigh of relief. I know it's probably disheartening for you to read some of the comments we post...like my "robbed" comments, but please bear with some of us. You are the reason we have hope and come to these boards to find solace. :) Thank you again for acknowledging that you witness our words. That is all we- or at least I- ask for! :)
Your message was very enlightening and something we'd all like to strive for. I know I have many times said I've felt "robbed." Believe me, there are times where I eat my words- I know there are people who have it much worse than I do. I work, exercise (not as often as I should ;) ), have hobbies, LOVE to shop...so I don't sit at home and feel sorry for myself day in and day out. But there are many days where I am "pushing" through and trying to remind myself that I can do this.
It's very difficult to train your mind to believe differently. For me, anxiety and now depression swallowed me whole starting in about September. Not until now, after about 3 weeks on meds, am I having less panic attacks, crying less, etc. Sometimes we forget that there is a chemical imbalance in some of our brains and that we can't always change the way we think on our own. Lord knows I tried VERY hard to do so. I guess what I'm saying is that it can take a while to "train" your brain to accept life as you know it. Whether it be with meds, cog training, etc. You're right, society makes it seem like everything can "disappear" with some "magic" pill. We all know that that is not the answer, but rather something that some of us MAY need to help us over the hump. I know that medicine alone will not work and that I need to rethink my situation and develop a new way of looking at things. I'm hoping now that I have SOME control over the way my brain is working, I can attempt to "train" it to embody what your message suggests.
I anticipate the day that I can see life the way you do. Even reading your message made me breathe more calmly and let out a sigh of relief. I know it's probably disheartening for you to read some of the comments we post...like my "robbed" comments, but please bear with some of us. You are the reason we have hope and come to these boards to find solace. :) Thank you again for acknowledging that you witness our words. That is all we- or at least I- ask for! :)
bluelakelady
01-27-2005, 12:19 PM
hi latte,
i am so glad you have found a medicine that assists you in restoring the balance of hormones in your brain. often depression is related to imbalances, and once corrected, allow free thought to return. a good shrink helps too!
it takes time to learn anything new. my way of seeing my life did not happen magically. it took time, effort and many backslides to get where i am today. my mom says i am stubborn. she is right. i used it, finally, to do something good for myself. i decided there was a way to be in this body and be cool with it. then i set about making that happen. my best most favorite tool in my tool belt is laughter. i laugh best at myself.
the words i read here do not dishearten me. they inspire me to come, sometimes several times a day, to this site and witness, embrace, and inspire as many fellow travelers as i can. love is free and i have tons of it to gift away. every morning when i wake up my cup of love is overflowing and i cannot waste it. being here allows me the freedom to touch so many good humans, the honor of speaking, the privilege of listening. i ask you, what could be better than that? if i was "well" i would never have met all of you. my life is blessed.
peace, power, perseverance!
bluelakelady
i am so glad you have found a medicine that assists you in restoring the balance of hormones in your brain. often depression is related to imbalances, and once corrected, allow free thought to return. a good shrink helps too!
it takes time to learn anything new. my way of seeing my life did not happen magically. it took time, effort and many backslides to get where i am today. my mom says i am stubborn. she is right. i used it, finally, to do something good for myself. i decided there was a way to be in this body and be cool with it. then i set about making that happen. my best most favorite tool in my tool belt is laughter. i laugh best at myself.
the words i read here do not dishearten me. they inspire me to come, sometimes several times a day, to this site and witness, embrace, and inspire as many fellow travelers as i can. love is free and i have tons of it to gift away. every morning when i wake up my cup of love is overflowing and i cannot waste it. being here allows me the freedom to touch so many good humans, the honor of speaking, the privilege of listening. i ask you, what could be better than that? if i was "well" i would never have met all of you. my life is blessed.
peace, power, perseverance!
bluelakelady
mbeltram
02-03-2005, 09:08 AM
bluelakelady,you are amazing to me thank you i didnt even want to live anymore.hum, who figured there is a reason for everything i thank God you where sent into my life. i know i sound petiful sorry. i tell i pray so much that Gods probably tried.lol you know i use to be a very good cafter. have so much stuff and dont have the interest anymore no desire for anything. sadly, i am change sence i have meet you guys thanx. love Marilyn one day at a time.
bluelakelady
02-03-2005, 10:24 AM
hi marilyn,
sweetie, you get that nice hubby of yours to drag your crafting stuff to the side of your bed if that is what it takes for you to find your fun again. you have all this time to fill up with something. you are going to be in pain anyway so why not be in pain because you had fun doing something you find fulfilling?
you can do anything you used to do. you just have to do less and go slower. life is not over yet. as my grandma would say, "life is a garden. get out and smell the flowers!" she left her body three days ago. she was 96. i will not shed a tear for her passing. i will however do a cartwheel filled with joy for her. and laugh with all the memories that are floating to the surface of my mind. we had such fun. she showed me a path i have chosen to follow. her peace is now my peace.
and i gift it to all of you. there is so much.
peace,
bluelakelady
sweetie, you get that nice hubby of yours to drag your crafting stuff to the side of your bed if that is what it takes for you to find your fun again. you have all this time to fill up with something. you are going to be in pain anyway so why not be in pain because you had fun doing something you find fulfilling?
you can do anything you used to do. you just have to do less and go slower. life is not over yet. as my grandma would say, "life is a garden. get out and smell the flowers!" she left her body three days ago. she was 96. i will not shed a tear for her passing. i will however do a cartwheel filled with joy for her. and laugh with all the memories that are floating to the surface of my mind. we had such fun. she showed me a path i have chosen to follow. her peace is now my peace.
and i gift it to all of you. there is so much.
peace,
bluelakelady
mbeltram
02-05-2005, 12:43 PM
hi marilyn,
sweetie, you get that nice hubby of yours to drag your crafting stuff to the side of your bed if that is what it takes for you to find your fun again. you have all this time to fill up with something. you are going to be in pain anyway so why not be in pain because you had fun doing something you find fulfilling?
you can do anything you used to do. you just have to do less and go slower. life is not over yet. as my grandma would say, "life is a garden. get out and smell the flowers!" she left her body three days ago. she was 96. i will not shed a tear for her passing. i will however do a cartwheel filled with joy for her. and laugh with all the memories that are floating to the surface of my mind. we had such fun. she showed me a path i have chosen to follow. her peace is now my peace.
and i gift it to all of you. there is so much.
peace,
bluelakelady
Hi its me again, went to dr. thurs. and she wanted me to try elavil . took it for 2 days and i will not take it anymore i would rather hurt then feel crazy, this morning i can even think and it didnt do any good for sleeping either. if i could just fall a sleep and stay asleep i would be so much better. so no more ant-d for me tried pretty much all of them and it is not worth being foggy brain.so back to herbs and vitamins for me. i have spent so much money on meds and i am not going to do that anymore. i have had enough. thanks so much for your surport and have a great day love mb ;)
sweetie, you get that nice hubby of yours to drag your crafting stuff to the side of your bed if that is what it takes for you to find your fun again. you have all this time to fill up with something. you are going to be in pain anyway so why not be in pain because you had fun doing something you find fulfilling?
you can do anything you used to do. you just have to do less and go slower. life is not over yet. as my grandma would say, "life is a garden. get out and smell the flowers!" she left her body three days ago. she was 96. i will not shed a tear for her passing. i will however do a cartwheel filled with joy for her. and laugh with all the memories that are floating to the surface of my mind. we had such fun. she showed me a path i have chosen to follow. her peace is now my peace.
and i gift it to all of you. there is so much.
peace,
bluelakelady
Hi its me again, went to dr. thurs. and she wanted me to try elavil . took it for 2 days and i will not take it anymore i would rather hurt then feel crazy, this morning i can even think and it didnt do any good for sleeping either. if i could just fall a sleep and stay asleep i would be so much better. so no more ant-d for me tried pretty much all of them and it is not worth being foggy brain.so back to herbs and vitamins for me. i have spent so much money on meds and i am not going to do that anymore. i have had enough. thanks so much for your surport and have a great day love mb ;)
corin
02-05-2005, 01:26 PM
BLL,
My condolences on the passing of your Grandmother. Even though you can see the blessings of her passage to a newer place, it is still difficult at times, and I hope her memories and teachings will bring you comfort. I was going to ask how your ladies getaway was, but perhaps you did not go due to these new circumstances. My wish that all your family find the peace in her passing that you have managed to embrace.
My condolences on the passing of your Grandmother. Even though you can see the blessings of her passage to a newer place, it is still difficult at times, and I hope her memories and teachings will bring you comfort. I was going to ask how your ladies getaway was, but perhaps you did not go due to these new circumstances. My wish that all your family find the peace in her passing that you have managed to embrace.
bluelakelady
02-06-2005, 09:58 PM
dear corin,
you bet we went away! my grandma would be madder than a wet hen if i missed a chance to play and rejoice in all the magic she gave me. i have not shed a tear and do not intend to. she died of natural causes at the age of 96. i know what she wants me to do so i am doing that. i am laughing and listening to birds and singing songs. there will be no funeral. she hated them.
i saw her obit. she would have liked it. short, simple, sweet. like her.
i thank you for your kind words. my grandma taught me to celebrate when someone dies. she said it was more important to smile, because your life was blessed with knowing someone you really loved. she was a young wife and mother when her husband committed suicide during the depression. she was strong and soft at the same time.
i just got home from the coast. it was so lovely. there is nothing like girlfriend time. i am pooped. gonna go fall on my happy smiling face now!
peace, joy and an ocean breeze,
bluelakelady
you bet we went away! my grandma would be madder than a wet hen if i missed a chance to play and rejoice in all the magic she gave me. i have not shed a tear and do not intend to. she died of natural causes at the age of 96. i know what she wants me to do so i am doing that. i am laughing and listening to birds and singing songs. there will be no funeral. she hated them.
i saw her obit. she would have liked it. short, simple, sweet. like her.
i thank you for your kind words. my grandma taught me to celebrate when someone dies. she said it was more important to smile, because your life was blessed with knowing someone you really loved. she was a young wife and mother when her husband committed suicide during the depression. she was strong and soft at the same time.
i just got home from the coast. it was so lovely. there is nothing like girlfriend time. i am pooped. gonna go fall on my happy smiling face now!
peace, joy and an ocean breeze,
bluelakelady
bluelakelady
03-16-2005, 02:09 AM
dear new friends,
i thought i would bring this to the front again. for you new kids on the block. you are not alone. you do not go unheard. you are loved.
peace to you all from my moms house in san diego california,
bluelakelady
i thought i would bring this to the front again. for you new kids on the block. you are not alone. you do not go unheard. you are loved.
peace to you all from my moms house in san diego california,
bluelakelady
ukiahvalleymom
03-16-2005, 05:15 PM
BLL,
Thank you for sharing this with all of us that are new to this site, it is one that should be brought back out often to read ...you sure have a awesome way with your words, and even more astounding is the vision you have to share with each of the positiveness of this journey we have been given.
thank you so much,
uvmom, sent with a fibro hug and a butterfly kiss! To both you and your mom.
Thank you for sharing this with all of us that are new to this site, it is one that should be brought back out often to read ...you sure have a awesome way with your words, and even more astounding is the vision you have to share with each of the positiveness of this journey we have been given.
thank you so much,
uvmom, sent with a fibro hug and a butterfly kiss! To both you and your mom.
rosebuddy
03-16-2005, 09:33 PM
Blue Lake Lady, Thank you.
You didn't have to type all of that but you did and I am so blessed to have read it. I have copied and pasted and made a pretty design with my crayons and chalk and big paper from art therapy and hung it on my wall signed blue lake lady. You are a doll.
What an inspiration. I think I will try painting! I keep tellingmy art therapist that I don't know what to draw or color. I will try abstracts. It doesn't have to mean anything. I wish I could see the one you are working on now. I would like to show her your post if thats ok. Also, the fmaware magazine is accepting essays. Maybe you would like to share this with them too.
Thank you.
You didn't have to type all of that but you did and I am so blessed to have read it. I have copied and pasted and made a pretty design with my crayons and chalk and big paper from art therapy and hung it on my wall signed blue lake lady. You are a doll.
What an inspiration. I think I will try painting! I keep tellingmy art therapist that I don't know what to draw or color. I will try abstracts. It doesn't have to mean anything. I wish I could see the one you are working on now. I would like to show her your post if thats ok. Also, the fmaware magazine is accepting essays. Maybe you would like to share this with them too.
Thank you.
oholland
03-17-2005, 04:00 AM
I love to read your posts. They are so inspirational and uplifting. Your message is so on target.
I wanted to let you know that reading your messages has inspired me to look for fun and interesting projects that I not only enjoy but can share with others. I have just started developing a family cookbook so that I can pass down my mothers and grandmothers wonderful recipes to the younger members of our family. We have had so many wonderful cooks who have passed on such wonderful country and cajun dishes that they scratched on paper for my Grandmother and my Mom and now it is time for us to pass this bit of heritage to the younger members of the family.
I also am spending more time with my Mom and she and I are having wonderful "girlfriend" visits and are even planning a trip to visit the remaining centerion in our family (my grandmom's sister).
I'm trying to relish the good days, rest through the bad ones, and to try my best not to look back or dwell on the what if's and could have beens. Of course this is not always easy but reading such messages as the one you posted here makes it an easier pursuit.
I hope your Mom is doing better and I just wanted to let you know I think you are a tremendous person.
Thanks,
Olivia
I wanted to let you know that reading your messages has inspired me to look for fun and interesting projects that I not only enjoy but can share with others. I have just started developing a family cookbook so that I can pass down my mothers and grandmothers wonderful recipes to the younger members of our family. We have had so many wonderful cooks who have passed on such wonderful country and cajun dishes that they scratched on paper for my Grandmother and my Mom and now it is time for us to pass this bit of heritage to the younger members of the family.
I also am spending more time with my Mom and she and I are having wonderful "girlfriend" visits and are even planning a trip to visit the remaining centerion in our family (my grandmom's sister).
I'm trying to relish the good days, rest through the bad ones, and to try my best not to look back or dwell on the what if's and could have beens. Of course this is not always easy but reading such messages as the one you posted here makes it an easier pursuit.
I hope your Mom is doing better and I just wanted to let you know I think you are a tremendous person.
Thanks,
Olivia
bluelakelady
03-17-2005, 04:48 PM
dear olivia,
thank you for your kind words. hooray for you! i love cajun food. the hotter the better. mom is resting and i am a bit better today.
i have such stories to tell when i am home again. the baby hummingbirds are practically overflowing their tiny nest. their beaks are elongating. mom is asleep so i better tippy toe out of here.
peace,
bluelakelady
ps you can accidentally slip the directions for creating your favorite cajun dish in here any time! giggle.
thank you for your kind words. hooray for you! i love cajun food. the hotter the better. mom is resting and i am a bit better today.
i have such stories to tell when i am home again. the baby hummingbirds are practically overflowing their tiny nest. their beaks are elongating. mom is asleep so i better tippy toe out of here.
peace,
bluelakelady
ps you can accidentally slip the directions for creating your favorite cajun dish in here any time! giggle.
bluelakelady
04-18-2005, 01:46 PM
hey olivia! i really meant it about wanting to create one of your family dishes. i am home and loving my kitchen. i brought home some asian spices, dried mushrooms and packaged spices for dishes i have never eaten. what fun!
pretty, pretty please may i have one dish???? beg, beg, beg on bended knees. i love cajun food. i love spice. i love life!!!
for you new kids on the block. take a few minutes to read this rather long thread. you are supported by so many good hearts here. minds that know your fear, your pain and your loss. we are a river for you to float down as your journey into the realms of this bizarre life. we are a source of support, energy, compassion, fun and laughter.
come dance on my purple world with me. we are proof that it can be done!!
it is so beyond words to be home again. i miss my mom and sis, alot. we had fun. as you can see i am on a writing craze. at moms she has a regular keyboard and i cannot type on those. my drawing took new turns while i was with mom. now i am home where the words can drip off my fingertips, painting pictures for the mind and heart. for you.
welcome, welcome new friends. come here, relax, read and be uplifted.
peace,
bluelakelady
pretty, pretty please may i have one dish???? beg, beg, beg on bended knees. i love cajun food. i love spice. i love life!!!
for you new kids on the block. take a few minutes to read this rather long thread. you are supported by so many good hearts here. minds that know your fear, your pain and your loss. we are a river for you to float down as your journey into the realms of this bizarre life. we are a source of support, energy, compassion, fun and laughter.
come dance on my purple world with me. we are proof that it can be done!!
it is so beyond words to be home again. i miss my mom and sis, alot. we had fun. as you can see i am on a writing craze. at moms she has a regular keyboard and i cannot type on those. my drawing took new turns while i was with mom. now i am home where the words can drip off my fingertips, painting pictures for the mind and heart. for you.
welcome, welcome new friends. come here, relax, read and be uplifted.
peace,
bluelakelady
movin slo
04-25-2005, 07:18 AM
:bouncing: Hey guys ! Great news I got my SSD :D Good Luck to everyone who is sweating out getting disability.NOW the bill collectors can go away,and my husband and I can take a deep breath. It still is not going to be easy, but now it will be better.
:wave:
Sue
:wave:
Sue
SarahF
04-25-2005, 11:14 AM
Hi there - I don't post very much but I wanted to say thanks to BLL for this inspiration.
I have only recently been diagnosed with FMS in the last 3 months by my doctor who has been treating my thyroid disorder for a while. The chronic pain and spasms I have had constantly for the last almost 2 years made it impossible for me to sing - my love and my heart - aggravated my muscular TMJ and created the most delicious headaches that would last for weeks.
Well, I found a great massage therapist who works on my CMP, a chiropractor who appreciates the lengths I go to to feel better, and my family doctor who makes it his business to help his patients live a better quality life.
Along the way, I was depressed and in pain. And as I started to feel better - more like myself - about a year ago, I began to sing again. Gradually. Slowly. Sometimes painfully. And it began to heal the hurts of my soul. Music does that for me, and it sounds like painting does that for you. I began to feel much much better - and then the bottom fell out. My mother, ill for many years mostly due to her neglect of her diabetes, became much more ill. My parents lost the home they were renting because their landlord defaulted on his mortgage. I had to step in and find them a home quickly. We found a great handicapped accessible home for them and managed to close the mortgage in a mere 20 days. God was working. But I was tiring. I could feel it. The headaches were coming back. Within a month of the move, my mother had a leg amputated and 3 weeks later she died. Much of the responsibility for planning the services, arranging cremation, fell to me. Now, at home, I have a husband and two children - and we live 3 hours away. By the time of the second memorial service (at her request) 4 months had passed, and I had become ill. I was exhausted. But I refused to stop. I ended up at my doctors with a case of severe bronchitis and a thyroid that had decided to take a vacation again. He was great. I began to feel better again BUT my pain levels had once again escalated. Trigger points were reappearing. Headaches were with me again on a daily basis. When I told my doctor about my pain for the last year and a half - he said immediately FMS. I argued with him - no it's myofascial pain. He laughed. Gave me some stuff to read and prescribed magnesium injections.
What do you know - the magnesium injections have helped. Really really helped. The MT can work my trigger points and adhesions better. My chiropractor can actually adjust me. I have more good days than bad.
Through this whole thing - well not the WHOLE thing - But in the last year, I picked those things that were really important to my well being. Taking piano lessons. Singing. Playing with my children. My husband. Volunteer activities. Being active at my church. God. I have learned the meaning of the word "pace". There are times when I just need to drop for a while. For instance, last week a strong storm was coming through - barometric changes are awful for me - but I had a date with my husband that night. So - I took a nap in the morning. Took a little something for pain. Worked my volunteer shift - took another nap in the afternoon. I didn't think I could make it.
It has been and is hard. But living is SO worth it. From what I've been reading here, you all slog along the same as I do. Reading what you have written inspired me to share.
Thanks!!
I have only recently been diagnosed with FMS in the last 3 months by my doctor who has been treating my thyroid disorder for a while. The chronic pain and spasms I have had constantly for the last almost 2 years made it impossible for me to sing - my love and my heart - aggravated my muscular TMJ and created the most delicious headaches that would last for weeks.
Well, I found a great massage therapist who works on my CMP, a chiropractor who appreciates the lengths I go to to feel better, and my family doctor who makes it his business to help his patients live a better quality life.
Along the way, I was depressed and in pain. And as I started to feel better - more like myself - about a year ago, I began to sing again. Gradually. Slowly. Sometimes painfully. And it began to heal the hurts of my soul. Music does that for me, and it sounds like painting does that for you. I began to feel much much better - and then the bottom fell out. My mother, ill for many years mostly due to her neglect of her diabetes, became much more ill. My parents lost the home they were renting because their landlord defaulted on his mortgage. I had to step in and find them a home quickly. We found a great handicapped accessible home for them and managed to close the mortgage in a mere 20 days. God was working. But I was tiring. I could feel it. The headaches were coming back. Within a month of the move, my mother had a leg amputated and 3 weeks later she died. Much of the responsibility for planning the services, arranging cremation, fell to me. Now, at home, I have a husband and two children - and we live 3 hours away. By the time of the second memorial service (at her request) 4 months had passed, and I had become ill. I was exhausted. But I refused to stop. I ended up at my doctors with a case of severe bronchitis and a thyroid that had decided to take a vacation again. He was great. I began to feel better again BUT my pain levels had once again escalated. Trigger points were reappearing. Headaches were with me again on a daily basis. When I told my doctor about my pain for the last year and a half - he said immediately FMS. I argued with him - no it's myofascial pain. He laughed. Gave me some stuff to read and prescribed magnesium injections.
What do you know - the magnesium injections have helped. Really really helped. The MT can work my trigger points and adhesions better. My chiropractor can actually adjust me. I have more good days than bad.
Through this whole thing - well not the WHOLE thing - But in the last year, I picked those things that were really important to my well being. Taking piano lessons. Singing. Playing with my children. My husband. Volunteer activities. Being active at my church. God. I have learned the meaning of the word "pace". There are times when I just need to drop for a while. For instance, last week a strong storm was coming through - barometric changes are awful for me - but I had a date with my husband that night. So - I took a nap in the morning. Took a little something for pain. Worked my volunteer shift - took another nap in the afternoon. I didn't think I could make it.
It has been and is hard. But living is SO worth it. From what I've been reading here, you all slog along the same as I do. Reading what you have written inspired me to share.
Thanks!!
bluelakelady
04-25-2005, 12:38 PM
hi sarah,
words, paint and passing along what i have learned, those are my tools for healing. your voice is yours. very smart of you to see your path.
death. i have not one word of healing for you there. as you already are realizing there are no words. you are going to pass thru many stages as you come to terms with your mom being gone. this i know how to do. may i offer myself to you? the stress of a funeral is hard enough, harder when you have to do the logistics and almost defeating when it is your parent, sibling, spouse, child or grandchild. we sorta expect those people to live as long as we do. makes no sense, yet we walk thru life not realizing each hug could be the last. each word the last.
respecting a persons right to treat their body as they please is a hard one. i know you had heartbreaking moments watching mom disrespect her diabetic body. i have watched both a friend and a parent die because they chose to do as they wanted and not what the doctors or family wanted. respecting their right to live and die as they please is the most important thing we can do for them. you did that. pat yourself on the back. tho it ripped your heart out you let her be her own self. that matters alot!
have you gotten angry yet? the stress factor in your health almost demands you get into some formal help. perhaps you can start a group in your church for families grieving? you may already have one.
you said your faith is your healing. what was your mothers belief system? if you know what your mom believed would happen to her "spirit, soul, essence, energy" you can see her there. it helps. my daddy (step) died 29 years ago. my birth dad last june. i spoke at his memorial and offer my support/knowledge to his family of 29 years.
how is your dad doing? please give him and yourself a hug from this lady on the lake. since i do not do this for a living it is okay to tell you i help people with the process of dying and i help families after. i am a good listener with strong shoulders. lean on me.
thank you for your kind words. thank you most of all for coming here and sharing. now i want you to be a good girl and breath, rest, cry, breath, rest, laugh and cry some more. your tears honor the love you have for mom. so does your laughter. as the years pass you will find the joyful memories are the strongest. you never get over missing a parent. you just learn how to be alone.
peace and love from one half orphan to another,
bluelakelady
words, paint and passing along what i have learned, those are my tools for healing. your voice is yours. very smart of you to see your path.
death. i have not one word of healing for you there. as you already are realizing there are no words. you are going to pass thru many stages as you come to terms with your mom being gone. this i know how to do. may i offer myself to you? the stress of a funeral is hard enough, harder when you have to do the logistics and almost defeating when it is your parent, sibling, spouse, child or grandchild. we sorta expect those people to live as long as we do. makes no sense, yet we walk thru life not realizing each hug could be the last. each word the last.
respecting a persons right to treat their body as they please is a hard one. i know you had heartbreaking moments watching mom disrespect her diabetic body. i have watched both a friend and a parent die because they chose to do as they wanted and not what the doctors or family wanted. respecting their right to live and die as they please is the most important thing we can do for them. you did that. pat yourself on the back. tho it ripped your heart out you let her be her own self. that matters alot!
have you gotten angry yet? the stress factor in your health almost demands you get into some formal help. perhaps you can start a group in your church for families grieving? you may already have one.
you said your faith is your healing. what was your mothers belief system? if you know what your mom believed would happen to her "spirit, soul, essence, energy" you can see her there. it helps. my daddy (step) died 29 years ago. my birth dad last june. i spoke at his memorial and offer my support/knowledge to his family of 29 years.
how is your dad doing? please give him and yourself a hug from this lady on the lake. since i do not do this for a living it is okay to tell you i help people with the process of dying and i help families after. i am a good listener with strong shoulders. lean on me.
thank you for your kind words. thank you most of all for coming here and sharing. now i want you to be a good girl and breath, rest, cry, breath, rest, laugh and cry some more. your tears honor the love you have for mom. so does your laughter. as the years pass you will find the joyful memories are the strongest. you never get over missing a parent. you just learn how to be alone.
peace and love from one half orphan to another,
bluelakelady
SarahF
04-26-2005, 12:03 PM
Thank you. You are so sweet and wise.
Oh yes I have come to terms with my mother's death. The mother I knew died a long time to us before she actually went to God. I know where she is and I know that she is finally happy after being so miserable for so many years. Her death was actually a relief - if that makes sense. I had told my husband and close friends that I was prepared for that day. Well - I was mostly prepared - the rest took care of itself.
I didn't share this... I was a Christian caregiver for people in crisis and I had great wonderful support from my fellow caregivers through all this. They watched me carefully, as did my pastor, who had lost his father just 6 weeks before. We laughed that his dad (a preacher) now had a choir director (my mom) for his heavenly choir. And my husband - a rock.
Oh yes - anger. Been there done that. Still do. I have been to her grave once since the funeral in November - yes, once. It was at Thanksgiving. Two reasons - she is buried in a town almost 4 hours away that we do not visit very often. Second - it ticks me off. I have relief for her that she is resting and not in pain anymore. I have relief for me that our crippled relationship can no longer hurt me. And I get angry because it didn't have to be like that. But it is over. And I do have a great sense of peace about it.
There are times ... especially with music - oh yeah, she was a choir director and piano teacher - that gets to me. I know what she would like - I knew what moved her. The music connects me to her. Sometimes in her death, I feel closer to her than in her life in the last 5 years. There is a strange kind of sweetness to it.
My dad does well. He can focus on himself and is catching up on some lost living. I watch out for him. This Thursday will be 6 months since her death and Friday will be his 68th birthday. I know it will be a struggle for him.
Again - thank you for the offer of your shoulder and for your caring spirit.
Oh yes I have come to terms with my mother's death. The mother I knew died a long time to us before she actually went to God. I know where she is and I know that she is finally happy after being so miserable for so many years. Her death was actually a relief - if that makes sense. I had told my husband and close friends that I was prepared for that day. Well - I was mostly prepared - the rest took care of itself.
I didn't share this... I was a Christian caregiver for people in crisis and I had great wonderful support from my fellow caregivers through all this. They watched me carefully, as did my pastor, who had lost his father just 6 weeks before. We laughed that his dad (a preacher) now had a choir director (my mom) for his heavenly choir. And my husband - a rock.
Oh yes - anger. Been there done that. Still do. I have been to her grave once since the funeral in November - yes, once. It was at Thanksgiving. Two reasons - she is buried in a town almost 4 hours away that we do not visit very often. Second - it ticks me off. I have relief for her that she is resting and not in pain anymore. I have relief for me that our crippled relationship can no longer hurt me. And I get angry because it didn't have to be like that. But it is over. And I do have a great sense of peace about it.
There are times ... especially with music - oh yeah, she was a choir director and piano teacher - that gets to me. I know what she would like - I knew what moved her. The music connects me to her. Sometimes in her death, I feel closer to her than in her life in the last 5 years. There is a strange kind of sweetness to it.
My dad does well. He can focus on himself and is catching up on some lost living. I watch out for him. This Thursday will be 6 months since her death and Friday will be his 68th birthday. I know it will be a struggle for him.
Again - thank you for the offer of your shoulder and for your caring spirit.
bluelakelady
04-26-2005, 12:15 PM
hi sarah,
glad dad is getting a life. very cool for him and for you. i have never been to my dads grave. never will. he is not there. only the shell. i love visiting the seashells. human shells, no way. not my style. my mom never goes to her hubbys grave, nor does my sis. we visit him in our conversations about him. in our laughter. our memories.
6 months is not enough time to expect yourself to be all better and balanced with it all. so glad you have the support of your faith and friends.
peace,
bluelakelady
shoulders available all hours, giggle!
ps. happy birthday to dad, happy birthday to dad, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to dad! and many, many more!!!
glad dad is getting a life. very cool for him and for you. i have never been to my dads grave. never will. he is not there. only the shell. i love visiting the seashells. human shells, no way. not my style. my mom never goes to her hubbys grave, nor does my sis. we visit him in our conversations about him. in our laughter. our memories.
6 months is not enough time to expect yourself to be all better and balanced with it all. so glad you have the support of your faith and friends.
peace,
bluelakelady
shoulders available all hours, giggle!
ps. happy birthday to dad, happy birthday to dad, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to dad! and many, many more!!!
tkgoodspirit
06-17-2005, 07:29 PM
Bumping Up!
I feel the need to bring up some of Blues inspriation. :)
Love ya Blue,
tk
I feel the need to bring up some of Blues inspriation. :)
Love ya Blue,
tk
bluelakelady
06-06-2006, 10:35 AM
we have so many new faces here. i read back thru each post here and decided it was time to bump this up again. it was not so much what i wrote that inspired me to move this to the front as it was the responses i read.
we all have so much to contribute. never forget that. being sick means being a bit different. it does not mean being useless.
peace and love,
bluelakelady
we all have so much to contribute. never forget that. being sick means being a bit different. it does not mean being useless.
peace and love,
bluelakelady
Glojer
06-08-2006, 05:19 PM
Blue those are words to live by for sure. I like the expression, I have fibromyalgia it does not have me. Or perhaps, fibro is what I have not who I am. No one is defined by the illness they have, but rather by how they live their lives after the illness. I think we have some wonderful examples of that on this board.
Glojer
Glojer