HI

I haven't posted much about me lately. I'd pretty much decided to blow everything off and what would be would be.

Well, it's been three months now. My lungs aren't any better. Two CT's show the nodule, enlarged nodes, etc.

Now, three months later, I'm coughing up blood again and having pain through my upper back.

Did any of you just not want to know? I try and discuss this with my adult daughter, and she just says "Mom, it's not cancer" and doesn't want to talk about it.

Well, I'm pretty sure that it is cancer. And I'm getting worse. Everything I eat makes me sick. My intestines are a total mess and I feel exhausted all the time. My upper right quadrant hurts constantly. The same way it did a few years ago when they removed a tumor off my liver.

I get short of breath walking across a parking lot to my car.

I'm whining, sorry. I just don't have anyone to talk to.

My daughter quit her job to work wtih me so we didn't loose our income when I'm too sick to work. But her dream is to go to Austrailia. We're saving to take the trip in the next few months.

Chemo- if this is cancer- is out of the question. I won't do it. Wouldn't do radiation, either.

So, do I go find out, or just bide my time? Would it make a difference to 'know' for sure? I'm thinking about going and finding out without telling my daughter, but then I have to ask myself if that's fair to her?

I don't have family or anyone to help but her. Do I find out and just not tell her?

I'm confused, I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Only you can make that decision. My opinion, is that you should find out. Only because it's obviously on your mind all the time. Our minds can make things much worse than they are. Good luck!

Patty......I would go find out......
My opinion is.. right now your not living... what ever is going on is sucking the life out of you....Causing you turmoil, and so much sorrow (as I read your messages). At this point is it doing any worse to you than possibly cancer could??
Knowing will set you free to be able to make some real descisions...
What is fair to your daughter?? I wouldnt be able to know because each of us deal with things differently... you'd be the best judge of that...
I know the fear of "what could this be" and "do I really want to know and make it real'?? Can paralize us.. would finding out what is going on worse than this daily fear and anguish your living in?>? Only you can answer that, and act on it.....
I wish you the strength and love/care you seem to have for others (as your letter to MOMINMASS)... Taking your advice to her in the letter you wrote her would be taking care of YOU....
You wanted opinions, and that is mine... either way I will be here for you along with the others in this board... Mattie

Shadow. I honestly do think you will feel better knowing..either way. I am so sorry you are going through this..you have been a rock for many many people on this board. Please dont be afraid to come here for help, we are here for you. You are in my prayers...GOD BLESS! :angel:



:angel: Father, please help this dear person with the turmoil she is going through. Give her comfort in this time of need.And if it is your will, We pray for a complete healing of her mind, body, and soul. In Jesus name, AMEN

HI

I haven't posted much about me lately. I'd pretty much decided to blow everything off and what would be would be.

Well, it's been three months now. My lungs aren't any better. Two CT's show the nodule, enlarged nodes, etc.

Now, three months later, I'm coughing up blood again and having pain through my upper back.

Did any of you just not want to know? I try and discuss this with my adult daughter, and she just says "Mom, it's not cancer" and doesn't want to talk about it.

Well, I'm pretty sure that it is cancer. And I'm getting worse. Everything I eat makes me sick. My intestines are a total mess and I feel exhausted all the time. My upper right quadrant hurts constantly. The same way it did a few years ago when they removed a tumor off my liver.

I get short of breath walking across a parking lot to my car.

I'm whining, sorry. I just don't have anyone to talk to.

My daughter quit her job to work wtih me so we didn't loose our income when I'm too sick to work. But her dream is to go to Austrailia. We're saving to take the trip in the next few months.

Chemo- if this is cancer- is out of the question. I won't do it. Wouldn't do radiation, either.

So, do I go find out, or just bide my time? Would it make a difference to 'know' for sure? I'm thinking about going and finding out without telling my daughter, but then I have to ask myself if that's fair to her?

I don't have family or anyone to help but her. Do I find out and just not tell her?

I'm confused, I don't know what to do anymore.



Hello. Firstly, let me say I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I wanted to post because I wanted to share my story with you, in hopes that it will help. My daddy was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2002.
He and my mother lived in Alabama and me in Georgia at the time. We had just moved away from them to GA, in 2000. Right after we moved, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. They removed the tumor, did chemo, and radiation, and she has been cancer free now for almost 5 years.

Two years later, my daddy was diagnosed with lung cancer. I am sorry, I am not exactly sure what kind, but I do know the doctors told us he would possibly live 12 to 14 months, give or take a few. Anyway, he went ahead and got the Chemo and the radiation as well as removed the tumor.
That was in 2002. After the chemo and radiation, we were told that the cancer was gone and he was cancer free. He had breathing problems other than the cancer so he was on oxygen for 3 years, but cancer free.
My dad died Saturday of heart failure/ kidney failure, but, he lived for years cancer free because he took the steps early to fight the cancer, and because he had a will to live.

I think that it would be a good idea to go have this checked out and if it is cancer, have the treatment. My parents both worked the whole time they were having the Chemo. There are drugs available now that help with the nausea, etc. It is worth it, because there is always a chance.

I hope you didn't mind I shared this.

Thanks.

Oh my God I am such a wimp. I had no idea what you had been through in the past and are going through right now until your post. You have been so supportive of me in just one week of me being on this board!

Go and get the answers you need and then make your decision about care. It will give you peace of mind after all. Your daughter is an adult and most likely would want to know. Because she is an adult she is beyond the age of someone making decisions for her. It's a Mom thing to want to protect. I am doing that myself right now BUT my kids are 10 and 13. It sounds like your daughter has been there with you through all of this so why cut her out now?

Like you, I want to know what's happening but I don't. And I've decided just this morning that the fear I feel is starting to effect my family. I dont have control yet because I don't have all the answers yet. If I do in fact have lung, liver, and lymphnode cancer I am going to kick butt. That is something I definitely have control over.

Keep all of us updated. We want to know because we care and want to do whatever it takes to get you through this.

Patty:

I definitely would say go and find out this way you'll know what you want to do as far as surgery and chemo. Don't keep waiting, the longer you wait the harder it is for the doctor to remove it.

My husband had non small cell carcinoma, and it was removed three weeks after we found out which was because he came down with pneumonia which was a blessing in disguise. It's been 5 years and thank god and the surgeon he's fine. He does occasionally have breathing problems because they removed 2/3rds of his right lung but they got it in time.

Good Luck to you with whatever you decide to do.

Patty,
Have you made any descisions?? You have been on my mind all day....I hope you will go in and get answers !! Timing is so important. You have been their for so many.. its time to be their for YOU.. and take care of you...Im praying for you..please let us know how you are, and what you have decided.....Mattie

hI All

Haven't really decided much of anything yet. I guess I'll bide my time until I'm too sick not to. Right now, I need to work and get caught up on bills and all. The 'unknown' is turmoil, but I think 'knowing' would shut me down and make me useless. Not to mention what it would do to my daughter.

I know I wouldn't tell her. I have decided that. She's going to Austrailia to her man even if I can't go with her.

This crap now will likely turn to pneumonia again, so I know I'll end up at the doctor for that. Guess I'll run it by him when I feel worse.

I'm not in denial, I'm in "don't care". Yeah, pretty dumb, I guess.

Thanks all

I feel sad for you. It seems that you have given up already but ultimately it's your decision and everyone will have to respect it. However, I wish you would go to the doctor NOW instead of waiting until you get worse. Why make yourself suffer needlessly? I have pneumonia and know what it's like. Go and get some antibitoics and hopefully you can nip it in the bud before it gets really bad like mine.

I'm not going to second guess or question your decision about NOT telling your daughter. You already know how I feel about that. I do think your daughter is much stronger than your give her credit for. And the bills shouldn't even be a consideration for you. They have a way of working themselves out. Tell them what is going on and ask for reduced (less than you're paying now) payments versus getting nothing from you.

Keep us posted and get to the doctor before pneumonia sets in.

Shadowrose

You always give everyone so much support and help, how could you just decide not to fight this whatever it is. You tell everyone to be strong and proactive but your giving up? It is so hard for me to come here and read how low you have gotten, you litterally held me up with your posts. Chazz would be so angry at you for your decisions on this, please if anyone knows how important time is it is me. Please Shadow get the help you need do not give in.

Patty,
I wish I could talk to you in person, and hug you , and remind you how much you are needed.. and special you are.
I know you have followed these boards and lended encouragement and hope to many....and even in all his days of waiting chazzz had to go through and the dr's drug their feet, you encouraged him...
I dont pretend to know the reasons why you choose to back up from this issue going on in your life, but I will say my heart is burdened for you.
Their is HOPE and a chance that if this is cancer it can be cured...if taken care of soon enough. Clint is a walking testament to that.
You sound depressed to me, as this type of thing can do to us... it is a process our bodies sometimes does without any clues that we are depressed, till we are literally in that state. I was on self distruct and numb when we went through our bout with ca. Not knowing I had depression, once I started medication I felt so much better and thought clearer, I only had to be on it 6 months till I had seretonin and seretonin uptake fuctioning well in my brain again.. (dr. said) but stress had caused it......
I respect that you choose to not pursue this possible ca thing....but would you consider seeing your Dr. for possible depression?? If it is depression he can treat it with medication and it will allow you the benefit of dealing with all these things in the right frame of mind...after all depression is just a chemical imbalance in the brain causing lower seretonin levels brought on by stress...and Lord knows you have been dealing with so much...
Im praying for you Patty. Take care of you....... Mattie

Well, I'm going to have to give in and go be checked again. I'm getting stabbing pains in my chest that go through to my back. When I talk, I get so short of breath that I have to stop.

Maybe I'm being morbid, but I really think that this is cancer, and I think it's in more than my lungs.

Either that, or I'm just getting pneumonia again and the stomach/liver pains are incidental.

My daughter suffers with severe depression. I'm terrified that if she found out that I had cancer that she'd cancel her trip to Austrailia and be even more depressed- and ultimately resent me for being sick.

But, the problem is SHE is sick. She looks awful. Terribly pale. I can't get her to eat and shes's not sleeping worth crap. She's complaining of wide-spread body pain, and something with her foot causing it to be almost impossible for her to put weight on it.

When it rains, it pours :(

Patty........Please dont get yourself all worked up just yet, there are a number of things it could be other than what you have already diagnosed yourself with! How long have you been having these problems? I pray that you get checked soon and that it turns out to be nothing serious. It really disturbs me that you are living your life from day to day with this horrible fear when there is a possibility that you are worrying for no reason. Please go put your mind at ease so you can get on with your life. We are here for you no matter what!

Patty...:)
Im glad you are finnaly going to go in to see the Dr... please go in with a list of questions, so you can be prepared...The stabbing pain my also be plurase (sp)
or several other things. Do tell the Dr. ALL your concerns and symptoms, so he can make a informed diagnosis and game plan.
I am sorry your daughter is struggling also. It is flu season though and their are so many 'bugs' going around, all with different symptoms. My family has each taken a turn, it has seemed relentless this year.
Is your daughter taking her medication for her depression? If this isnt working for her maybe you could suggest she go in to be re-evaluated.
Right now you seem to have a full plate. Being moms we try to be avalible to our children at all times sometimes to our own demise. I hope you can talk to her and clue her in as to the things you are dealing with. Maybe you can be a support system for each other.? If not, then try to spend some time focusing on your needs, she will be fine.
We cant change people, or fix them and it sounds like you have tried to help her.It might be time to step back and realize she is old enough to seek out what she needs, in the mean time you need not feel guilty for thinking of yourself now. If she chooses not to go to see her boyfriend then so be it. Life will go on.
Do let us know what the Dr. says...Im glad your doing what you need to for YOU...Your worth it!! Mattie

HI All

This is such a great group of people!

I might be worrying for nothing- but sometimes, we just 'know' something isn't right. When I insisted that my father go be checked at the hospital when he was in my shoes, the last thing he did was place his cigarettes and lighter on the counter. He told me later that he just knew.

His reasons for not going sooner are similar to mine- he didn't want to have his family worried. And he only did the treatments for us, not really for himself.

My daughter is an adult now, but she does still live with me. I won't burden her with any of this. But friends, please understand that this is just MY choice. It's certainly not something I'd advocate for anyone else! Were the shoe on the other foot, and my daughter was in this position, I'd move heaven and earth to get her treated.

I've spent the last 10 years of my life fighting one illness or another. TIA's, a heart attack, diabetes, multiple surgeries. I'm just tired. I'm tired of struggling and fighting. I'm tired of doctors that miss what is right in front of their noses.

MsChaz, my heart bleeds for you. What you and Chazz went through shouldn't happen to ANYONE!

I'm a strong proponent for early detection. And, EARLY treatment. The majority of my health issues have been a struggle and battles. Not the illness themselves, but getting the TREATMENT for them. Multiple doctors till one finally listens to me.

I'm sure that others have been in the same situation.

Our livlihood requires us to travel weekly to different towns to work. We can't do that if I'm tied down to one town or city for treatments. We'd loose everything. I'm not prepared to let that happen. Quality of life is more important right now.

So, for my own piece of mind, I likely will sneak myself back to a doctor for a determination- and probably come here to whine about it, lol. But the only way I'd consider treatment is if they can go yank it out and let me go on with my life. No chemo and no radiation.

But I'm making a decision that is right for me, it wouldn't be right for most people that I come into contact with.

with my health issues, I just don't see chemo or radiation as practical choices. But, I'll keep ya all posted.

Two scans have seen this thing- I don't imagine it's gone away now, either.

Patty

Shadow,

I pray for you, I cannot even phanthom coming on here and giving advice to anyone. I am such a total mess I would not be any help to anyone. I do however worry about you, you helped Chaz so much, you helped me so much and countless others. Do you think saving your daughter worrying about is worse than you daughter not having you ? I dream of the time I spent with Chazz, I would give the rest of my life to spend an hour with him right now. I am sure you daughter would give up a trip to Australia over not having you anyday. You give so much love, free love to people that you do not even know, save some of that love for yourself. You are not only a mother to your daughter you are a mother to myself and the other people that you have helped out here. .

Hi

Well, three months later, the nodule is still there, only slightly larger. I didn't have much choice but to go back. I was too short of breath to breathe. The nodule hasn't grown much at all. Only about another mm or so. So guess it's back to the waiting game.

I'm very short of breath. I almost collapsed yesterday while trying to work. I can't seem to talk more than a couple of minutes and still breathe. I'm coughing a lot and docs don't see any pneumonia on x-rays, which is good. Now, if I could only breathe, all would be good.

I do seem to have pleursy or something again, though. Gave me some tylenol 3, like that's going to help.

Well, I'm hoping and praying for you that the nodule is not cancer. If it were growing at a fast rate then I could see you symptoms progressing so quickly. Maybe it really isn't cancer.
My mom died two years ago of lung cancer. One month from diagnosis. She was really sick.
I read your posts and you are very brave and helpful to others. I am just going to keep praying that whatever it is you have will go away. Please don't play the waiting game, go somewhere else. Is this is cancer and is slow growing you could have many more years with your family.
Take care and I hope you are feeling better soon.
Michelle

HI all

I don't care what it is anymore. I'm just sick of bering sick. I'm barely functioning and all I hear is 'check with my own doctor'. Well, I don't have one of those, and I'm tired of going to em anyway.

What will be will be. I'll go when I can't breath and when I hurt too mucb to function. Otherwise, to heck with em all.

My life, such as it is- isn't worth much at this rate. I could do without treatments that made it worse than it already is.

Hugs to all

My prayers are with you shadow. I know what its like to worry about my health. God bless you