darkdancer
02-03-2005, 08:31 PM
when the dark is so prevalent and the mists of sorrow is all you see, then am I merely afraid to see the light? The hospital was nice, this time, when I found a safe sanctuary but, in the end, leaving, I did remorse of the newness of the what I thought was familiar. I have 1000's of songs yet, all I can play are the ones that hurt. I am loosing a fight I cant decide to try and win, this time. ....is anyone out there?
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Ruth6:11
02-03-2005, 08:57 PM
I have been there.
I remember even now how engulfing the darkness was.
It is no longer.
But it took awhile, and a diagnosis to explain why the darkness was so overwhelming.
I still play the songs from then.
Plus some newer ones that mean just as much.
:angel:
I remember even now how engulfing the darkness was.
It is no longer.
But it took awhile, and a diagnosis to explain why the darkness was so overwhelming.
I still play the songs from then.
Plus some newer ones that mean just as much.
:angel:
darkdancer
02-03-2005, 09:13 PM
25 years of fighting and what soldier can go further? Is there anytime when its no longer a reality in the meaning of truth and hope? A right-brain thinker with a degree in physics, ...lost within a time I fear and a place I can only hear the echoes of.. walls, within walls, within walls....searching for a door!!!(or am I fooling myself?)
"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all the hurt.' - Max Lerner (1902-1992)
(survive??)
"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all the hurt.' - Max Lerner (1902-1992)
(survive??)
I'mtired
02-03-2005, 09:34 PM
We all feel this way sometimes. When you are reaching out to folded arms, what do you do? When the only ear who listens is the piece of paper in your journals what do you do? When you feel you can trust no one including yourself, how do you continue?
darkdancer
02-03-2005, 09:56 PM
"If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all." - Anna Quindlen
trust, as in all matters, can be one thing that is deceptive, when facing one's self. But its the passion to want, and change, and move, that is denied when all is a sorrow. I must speak in this way, as a social anxiety does exsist, .... when in time i can become less confused, i shall attempt more prolonged discussions...
I listen to Bjork now, her haunting melody strives to break that eternal facade of self-loathing and obsecurity i dwell in. i do understand and reading all thus far, of many here, know that im not alone...beliving in this and matters of 'trust' are a hope...one flame does still flicker in the dark winds...
trust, as in all matters, can be one thing that is deceptive, when facing one's self. But its the passion to want, and change, and move, that is denied when all is a sorrow. I must speak in this way, as a social anxiety does exsist, .... when in time i can become less confused, i shall attempt more prolonged discussions...
I listen to Bjork now, her haunting melody strives to break that eternal facade of self-loathing and obsecurity i dwell in. i do understand and reading all thus far, of many here, know that im not alone...beliving in this and matters of 'trust' are a hope...one flame does still flicker in the dark winds...
I'mtired
02-03-2005, 10:18 PM
trust, as in all matters, can be one thing that is deceptive, when facing one's self. But its the passion to want, and change, and move, that is denied when all is a sorrow. ...
That is so me. I am afraid of the future, because if I have one, will be able to make something of it? I am only 21 with a long time ahead of me.
I have been listening to Rape Me by Nirvana. That song can mean so much to me, because you can be raped of so much. Am I being raped by a "mental disorder" or am I "screwing" myself by assuming I'm losing my mind? Is it all in my mind? Is it really a panic attack or me proving to myself that, yes, I have panic attacks?
Could I be fabricating some of my issues in my mind? :confused: :confused: :confused: :eek: :eek: :eek:
That is so me. I am afraid of the future, because if I have one, will be able to make something of it? I am only 21 with a long time ahead of me.
I have been listening to Rape Me by Nirvana. That song can mean so much to me, because you can be raped of so much. Am I being raped by a "mental disorder" or am I "screwing" myself by assuming I'm losing my mind? Is it all in my mind? Is it really a panic attack or me proving to myself that, yes, I have panic attacks?
Could I be fabricating some of my issues in my mind? :confused: :confused: :confused: :eek: :eek: :eek:
darkdancer
02-03-2005, 10:38 PM
i know the song, i have all of them and yes, (and burn Rape me Rape me my friend Rape me) when your only friend is yourself and all matters are a shallow pool of empty desires, you can run and hide for so long before the ''bad man comes'' to harm you, when you harm yourself... are dreams but emotional guideposts that show us naught but, that we are afraid to follow?
a solitary bird can fly higher, but, away from what? as i run and hide, i ask, what is really hidden that i must run from? i bet your sneakers are warn down from your running? or are the stars but dim lights without brightness? why do we panic? why do we shudder and become confused? nuerotransmitters? seritonin low? ha!
we are human and thus, sensitive more so, i believe, and thus, our pain resides closer to the top, and few see, or some do, and play (prey) upon it..as we do ourselves...
a solitary bird can fly higher, but, away from what? as i run and hide, i ask, what is really hidden that i must run from? i bet your sneakers are warn down from your running? or are the stars but dim lights without brightness? why do we panic? why do we shudder and become confused? nuerotransmitters? seritonin low? ha!
we are human and thus, sensitive more so, i believe, and thus, our pain resides closer to the top, and few see, or some do, and play (prey) upon it..as we do ourselves...
I'mtired
02-03-2005, 10:52 PM
I like you darkdancer. You have a way with words. :)
I like to think the bird is flying towards something better. Soaring, striving, always, always towards something better. Something that doesnt exist.
It flies forever.
I like to think the bird is flying towards something better. Soaring, striving, always, always towards something better. Something that doesnt exist.
It flies forever.
darkdancer
02-03-2005, 11:19 PM
too fly so far as to tier of the flight and thus...
recall a time when the laughter was there, the music, and wonders of life, and all was naught of pain and sorrow but of happiness and joy..
i seek moments in time that put upon my sorrow, a glow of happiness that allows me to see the reality of the moment...realities we created ourselves..so pick up that crayon and draw a reality..one you make yourself... paint with all the colors!!! or do rainbows really exsist?? we are truely the music makers and dreamers of dreams...our own dreamWe are not compelled to meditate by some outside agent, by other people, or by God. Rather, just as we are responsible for our own suffering, so are we solely responsible for our own cure. We have created the situation in which we find ourselves, and it is up to us to create the circumstances for our release.
-Lama Thubten Yeshe, "Wisdom Energys!!!
recall a time when the laughter was there, the music, and wonders of life, and all was naught of pain and sorrow but of happiness and joy..
i seek moments in time that put upon my sorrow, a glow of happiness that allows me to see the reality of the moment...realities we created ourselves..so pick up that crayon and draw a reality..one you make yourself... paint with all the colors!!! or do rainbows really exsist?? we are truely the music makers and dreamers of dreams...our own dreamWe are not compelled to meditate by some outside agent, by other people, or by God. Rather, just as we are responsible for our own suffering, so are we solely responsible for our own cure. We have created the situation in which we find ourselves, and it is up to us to create the circumstances for our release.
-Lama Thubten Yeshe, "Wisdom Energys!!!
I'mtired
02-03-2005, 11:42 PM
i seek moments in time that put upon my sorrow, a glow of happiness that allows me to see the reality of the moment...realities we created ourselves..so pick up that crayon and draw a reality..one you make yourself... paint with all the colors!!! or do rainbows really exsist?? we are truely the music makers and dreamers of dreams...our own dreamWe are not compelled to meditate by some outside agent, by other people, or by God. Rather, just as we are responsible for our own suffering, so are we solely responsible for our own cure. We have created the situation in which we find ourselves, and it is up to us to create the circumstances for our release.
-Lama Thubten Yeshe, "Wisdom Energys!!!
:eek: I hope that's not true. :eek:
-Lama Thubten Yeshe, "Wisdom Energys!!!
:eek: I hope that's not true. :eek:
darkdancer
02-03-2005, 11:57 PM
before one takes even a first step, one must have the desire to lift their foot!!!
to what ever we choose to look and whatever path we desire to take, whether it be of a faith or a mind, we have desire the reality of that choice and of the notion that, we must create a way to lift that foot to go down that path, and along the way, decide which turns we choose and why.
free will is thus, that, a freedom to choose and freedom to inore, and freedom to create all we can in ourselves. its sometimes the 'will' that carries the price of that freedom.
is life really but a picture we choose to watch or, do we choose to draw our own? are voices heard in silence or in noise? and to which voice to we choose to hear? i have found that, in long walks and times of solitude, the heart can sing the loudest tune, it is only i, who chooses not to hear it...
are we so aspired to be lead that, in the end, we hold fast our own leash?
to what ever we choose to look and whatever path we desire to take, whether it be of a faith or a mind, we have desire the reality of that choice and of the notion that, we must create a way to lift that foot to go down that path, and along the way, decide which turns we choose and why.
free will is thus, that, a freedom to choose and freedom to inore, and freedom to create all we can in ourselves. its sometimes the 'will' that carries the price of that freedom.
is life really but a picture we choose to watch or, do we choose to draw our own? are voices heard in silence or in noise? and to which voice to we choose to hear? i have found that, in long walks and times of solitude, the heart can sing the loudest tune, it is only i, who chooses not to hear it...
are we so aspired to be lead that, in the end, we hold fast our own leash?
ManiMe
02-04-2005, 02:31 AM
Yep..... You betcha !!!!!!
dragon25
02-04-2005, 10:09 AM
Hang in there Darkdancer,
You will hear laughter and music again, we have all felt the way you do, and we feel your pain. We will all be hear to listen to you always. Just keep writing.
Love, Dragon
You will hear laughter and music again, we have all felt the way you do, and we feel your pain. We will all be hear to listen to you always. Just keep writing.
Love, Dragon
I'mtired
02-04-2005, 12:27 PM
Hang in there Darkdancer,
You will hear laughter and music again, we have all felt the way you do, and we feel your pain. We will all be hear to listen to you always. Just keep writing.
Love, Dragon
Yup! Those words can sometimes be unbelievably true, but even as I am currently down, I feel a little better. Im not sure if its because of my rediculously low dosage of meds, or the fact that after someone realized that I cut myself, they all pretended to care. Oh how quickly that went! But I just think it's because I know that at least one person on this Earth doesnt want me to hurt myself or end it all. And some of my pain disperssed. I mostly feel numb to everything this week, or angry. But it does get better, even if by an inkling.
You will hear laughter and music again, we have all felt the way you do, and we feel your pain. We will all be hear to listen to you always. Just keep writing.
Love, Dragon
Yup! Those words can sometimes be unbelievably true, but even as I am currently down, I feel a little better. Im not sure if its because of my rediculously low dosage of meds, or the fact that after someone realized that I cut myself, they all pretended to care. Oh how quickly that went! But I just think it's because I know that at least one person on this Earth doesnt want me to hurt myself or end it all. And some of my pain disperssed. I mostly feel numb to everything this week, or angry. But it does get better, even if by an inkling.
darkdancer
02-04-2005, 03:30 PM
"Success lies in the heart, and is activated by the hope that lies in the dream…" --Doug Firebaugh
isolation, it does make one seem remotely insignifigant...a price paid for the inability to maintain a modicum of self-control. the greatest loss is that of love, and to have lost it within a single moment of failure and, to have no recall of the moment...my failure was to assume a level of normalicy not controlled by medication within the course of a year, and thus, to meet and become involved and negate all forms of therapy, only to relaps...
how often have i repeated this cycle and, to never learn? the failures of my past predominate my presant and future...i am considered a kind and gentle soul, thoughtful, wise, and caring, and in most times, that is correct, however, ... however, drop my guard, and the insanity of a single moment, can obliterate all that was wonderful.
is it my bane to destroy all the good within my life?
i can understand the most complex equations mankind has ever devised, i can not grasp my own natue. my sanity is most definately in question.
isolation, it does make one seem remotely insignifigant...a price paid for the inability to maintain a modicum of self-control. the greatest loss is that of love, and to have lost it within a single moment of failure and, to have no recall of the moment...my failure was to assume a level of normalicy not controlled by medication within the course of a year, and thus, to meet and become involved and negate all forms of therapy, only to relaps...
how often have i repeated this cycle and, to never learn? the failures of my past predominate my presant and future...i am considered a kind and gentle soul, thoughtful, wise, and caring, and in most times, that is correct, however, ... however, drop my guard, and the insanity of a single moment, can obliterate all that was wonderful.
is it my bane to destroy all the good within my life?
i can understand the most complex equations mankind has ever devised, i can not grasp my own natue. my sanity is most definately in question.