Angel77
02-05-2005, 02:25 AM
:angel: I wanted to share this with you all, this is a letter I wrote a few years ago for a dear friend, who's family was increasing her grief by telling her to move on. I know it helped her and hopefully will help some others.
Dear.....
I know it's painful for you to watch me grieving, but this loss was mine, it is handled differently by each person touched by grief and as hard as it is for you to watch, it's harder to be told the positive side of something so devestating. Please understand that I will never move ON, get over it, or anything similar...I will eventually find my new path, but I will choose to walk down it when the time is right...and only I will know when it is.
If you would like to help me, please set aside any pictures you may have of my loved one, special memories, etc. and quietly leave them for me to deal with as I'm able to. Please don't offer what you can't or aren't willing to give, it's better just to give me a hug and leave it at that.
Please keep in mind, that although I cry tears of sorrow now, once I've cried enough, my memories will be happy again, but that's a work in progress and will vary day to day. If you're unsure, just ask me..."I don't know what to do to help you, what can I do to be of help?"
At this time, I may not know, but feel free to check back with me. Don't push me to talk because it's what you would do, everyone's different, just follow my lead and I'll show you what I'm ready to do.
Thankyou for understanding and being there for me. Hopefully you will never have to stand in my shoes, but know that if you are, I will do everything in my power to help you along the way, too.
So many people are uncomfortable with grief and say the dumbest things because they can't stand the silence....then they stick both feet in their mouth, the comes the awkward silence and that's about the time they lose your number because they can't believe how stupid they just sounded!
I've seen this a lot. I have lost my dad, sis, bro and several friends to car accidents, a cousin to rape/murder, uncle to murder, uncle to electrocution at work, friends to suicides, aunts/grandparents to cancer, you name it, they usually don't go quietly and it's usually those I love the most that leave the soonest.
The one thing I take comfort in is that I have a lot of angels looking over me and my kidlets....which, with my 2 year old, is a damn good thing!!! Trust me on this one! LOL But, it never stops aching, but does get duller and further apart.....but know in your heart, they are the ones who are just fine. So stop worrying about them. It's those of us who are still here that will continue to hurt and struggle with their loss.
Toodles for now, sweetpeas, if I can ever be of help, just holler and I'll see what I can do....
P.S. The worst year, we lost 7 in one year....grandpa to prostate cancer, grandpa to post-surgical bleed out, grandma to broken heart, grandma to old age, friend to suicide, friend to car accident and friend to suffocation from falling face down into a pillow after a seizure....that was an awful year, and one I hope never to repeat.
God bless you all and remember that sometimes falling apart is the only way to fall back together again.....something a therapist once told me....turned out it was a wise piece of advice although I wanted to box his ears for quite some time for that one!!! :angel: :bouncing:
Dear.....
I know it's painful for you to watch me grieving, but this loss was mine, it is handled differently by each person touched by grief and as hard as it is for you to watch, it's harder to be told the positive side of something so devestating. Please understand that I will never move ON, get over it, or anything similar...I will eventually find my new path, but I will choose to walk down it when the time is right...and only I will know when it is.
If you would like to help me, please set aside any pictures you may have of my loved one, special memories, etc. and quietly leave them for me to deal with as I'm able to. Please don't offer what you can't or aren't willing to give, it's better just to give me a hug and leave it at that.
Please keep in mind, that although I cry tears of sorrow now, once I've cried enough, my memories will be happy again, but that's a work in progress and will vary day to day. If you're unsure, just ask me..."I don't know what to do to help you, what can I do to be of help?"
At this time, I may not know, but feel free to check back with me. Don't push me to talk because it's what you would do, everyone's different, just follow my lead and I'll show you what I'm ready to do.
Thankyou for understanding and being there for me. Hopefully you will never have to stand in my shoes, but know that if you are, I will do everything in my power to help you along the way, too.
So many people are uncomfortable with grief and say the dumbest things because they can't stand the silence....then they stick both feet in their mouth, the comes the awkward silence and that's about the time they lose your number because they can't believe how stupid they just sounded!
I've seen this a lot. I have lost my dad, sis, bro and several friends to car accidents, a cousin to rape/murder, uncle to murder, uncle to electrocution at work, friends to suicides, aunts/grandparents to cancer, you name it, they usually don't go quietly and it's usually those I love the most that leave the soonest.
The one thing I take comfort in is that I have a lot of angels looking over me and my kidlets....which, with my 2 year old, is a damn good thing!!! Trust me on this one! LOL But, it never stops aching, but does get duller and further apart.....but know in your heart, they are the ones who are just fine. So stop worrying about them. It's those of us who are still here that will continue to hurt and struggle with their loss.
Toodles for now, sweetpeas, if I can ever be of help, just holler and I'll see what I can do....
P.S. The worst year, we lost 7 in one year....grandpa to prostate cancer, grandpa to post-surgical bleed out, grandma to broken heart, grandma to old age, friend to suicide, friend to car accident and friend to suffocation from falling face down into a pillow after a seizure....that was an awful year, and one I hope never to repeat.
God bless you all and remember that sometimes falling apart is the only way to fall back together again.....something a therapist once told me....turned out it was a wise piece of advice although I wanted to box his ears for quite some time for that one!!! :angel: :bouncing:
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ImagineLennon
04-07-2005, 10:19 PM
Angel, that was amazing. It makes me feel a whole lot better with my eighth year of grief fast approaching (the anniversary of my brother's death is on April 17). I don't say much to people around me b/c I don't want to hear "get over it" or "move on". It's just not that easy. If I could I would.
Thanks for the letter. I hope you don't mind me using it if I ever need it. :wave:
Thanks for the letter. I hope you don't mind me using it if I ever need it. :wave:
Mmelissa
06-07-2006, 03:32 AM
:angel: Thank you for the letter. You are saying the words that I want and need to say to others but can't seem to find the right ones without crying or getting angry. I think it will help me in ways I couldn't imagine, I feel that. I am sorry for the sorrow you must have felt when writing this but it does help the next one which is where I would like to be someday. Thank you.
Angel77
06-08-2006, 01:53 AM
Glad to be of service, but sorry that I was...does that make sense? I am glad you are here, this is a good place for broken and mending hearts.
MAD MAZ
06-19-2006, 02:15 PM
That was so good Angel, Its good to see there are still some nice caring pepole in the world ((((((((((((( HUGS)))))))))))) to you from me ......Mad Maz
Tona-Chell
08-10-2006, 11:04 PM
That was really good, but I would like to know about the Grandma whom died of a broken heart, if you don't mind? I lost my daddy 1/5/2005 and my mom needs help in her grieve, she has tuned out all her friends except one which lives out of town. She has done this due to them all telling her she needs to move on, go to single bars or singles nightout at church. Right now she does not live like a single, we live like we are waiting for him to come home from the hospital. He had heart problems and only 25% of his heart, so we were use to the hurting and the laying around. You know the ins and outs of pain, he also had a bad back. So we didn't take his complaining to heart. All my life he had problems so I really didn't know how to take it, I just told him to come on. We were close for a father and a daughter. Anyways as I wipe my tears how do I help my mother. I don't know that you can help but I'm trying all I know to do? Any input would be wonderful
daddysgirl2
08-12-2006, 10:13 PM
Angel that was beautiful. I understand about eeveryone telling us to move on and get over it or it will get easier. I lost my dad on 5-27-06 and I am having the hardest time with it. I cry every night. I go to the cemetery about 3 to 4 times a week. I talk to him all the time. I was the closest to him. I was a daddys girl. He was only 65 and had a massive stroke. I can't imagine my life without him but I know I have to. I see a therapist who is trying to help but really it is just up to us. Sometimes I think I may grieve the rest of my life. I have an 11 year old daughter who is having a hard time without grandpa as well. It is just not easy. They say times mends a broken heart. I dont believe that. I would give up 10 years of my life to have 10 more years with my dad. I love him and miss him dearly.
daddysgirl2
08-12-2006, 10:13 PM
Angel that was beautiful. I understand about eeveryone telling us to move on and get over it or it will get easier. I lost my dad on 5-27-06 and I am having the hardest time with it. I cry every night. I go to the cemetery about 3 to 4 times a week. I talk to him all the time. I was the closest to him. I was a daddys girl. He was only 65 and had a massive stroke. I can't imagine my life without him but I know I have to. I see a therapist who is trying to help but really it is just up to us. Sometimes I think I may grieve the rest of my life. I have an 11 year old daughter who is having a hard time without grandpa as well. It is just not easy. They say times mends a broken heart. I dont believe that. I would give up 10 years of my life to have 10 more years with my dad. I love him and miss him dearly.
Angel77
08-12-2006, 11:32 PM
Sweetie, I'm going to share something with you, look to your child and she will pull you through it and out of it. You have to look at the world through eyes that are still innocent. My son is also 11, I am 29, my mom was 46 when she died almost a year ago, my dad was 27, I was 4, it hurts, it always will.
The beauty of the pain is knowing that the person was loved enough to cause such pain, everyone should be so lucky....I wish I knew what it was like to be daddy's girl although I have a feeling had he lived long enough, that's exactly what would have happened.
You need to find a healthy way to deal with this. We let balloons go to my mom at every function, we draw messages on them with marker, kiss them and then let them go. My children also find messages from grandma, even if they're just ones they made up...I just nod and say yup, grandma says hi. It helps him to know that I still cry, then it's okay for him to cry, but that grandma isn't mad if we find something that makes us smile again, in fact that's what she would want for us....so we laugh as often as we can and cry when our heart is breaking....
I wish you well sweetpea, you will make it through, it's just going to take time, strength and lots of good memories, don't get so wrapped up in the past that you forget about the future, she's right in front of you. Maybe plan some trips with her that mirror you and your dad or what it would have been like if he were still there.
Loves and hugs, Angel
The beauty of the pain is knowing that the person was loved enough to cause such pain, everyone should be so lucky....I wish I knew what it was like to be daddy's girl although I have a feeling had he lived long enough, that's exactly what would have happened.
You need to find a healthy way to deal with this. We let balloons go to my mom at every function, we draw messages on them with marker, kiss them and then let them go. My children also find messages from grandma, even if they're just ones they made up...I just nod and say yup, grandma says hi. It helps him to know that I still cry, then it's okay for him to cry, but that grandma isn't mad if we find something that makes us smile again, in fact that's what she would want for us....so we laugh as often as we can and cry when our heart is breaking....
I wish you well sweetpea, you will make it through, it's just going to take time, strength and lots of good memories, don't get so wrapped up in the past that you forget about the future, she's right in front of you. Maybe plan some trips with her that mirror you and your dad or what it would have been like if he were still there.
Loves and hugs, Angel
daddysgirl2
08-13-2006, 12:05 PM
Thanks for the encouragement. Yes we still laugh and when we think my dad would have liked something we remind each other that grandpa would have liked that or that we wish he wouldve been here. Next year on his year anniversary since he passed away over memorial weekend we are letting red, white and blue balloons go at a memorial service I am planning and we are attaching tags that say in memory of. When we buy our house next year we are planting a tree in memory of my dad as well. We are trying to move forward and we will but still grieve just as much. It gets really hard when she isnt here (when she goes to her dads for weeks at a time). I am left alone and all I do is think of the past or how bad he was in the hospital for 41 days. I was going to join a support group but it hurts very much to talk about it and all I do is cry so I decided I had to get stronger before I could deal with that. That may never happen but that would just be me. Both your parents were young. My sympathys to you. My mom is still alive but not in the best of health. Thanks for everything. It feels good to talk to someone who has experienced the same.
susan kay
10-25-2006, 06:46 PM
hi thank you for that mom and i had such a difficult relationship we would get along then we woulnt she would try to tell me what to do to much and i would have to remind her i was a grwn up but i think she just had a hard time remembering her bounderings you know my sister in law said yesterday thats how we got ten along i just miss her. susan kay