since I lost my fiancée, Margaret, to lung cancer. Her death cane as such a surprise, even though I knew months in advance that it would indeed come. I was pretty distraught in August in we passed but I have continued to tell myself that this would get better as time passed. But it hasn't. Changed, maybe but not gotten better. My grief has become part of my daily existence. Its seems to be there always, waiting for me to slow down enough to overcome me. I don't understand it. How can it hold on to me like this? I can always feel it around me and it has changed me as well. I lose my temper very quickly now and I have trouble at times with concentration. My thoughts will fade away to her, to things we did together or funny moments or those final days. I hate to think of the final days. I hate to see photos of her that show how blind I was to her condition at the end. I cant explain it but for some reason, Margaret looked very much like Margaret right up till her passing. But now, when I look at the photos taken of her before her cancer diagnosis and the photos of her taken just prior to her passing, the difference is unbelievable.

You know what? I have no clue what I am trying to say here. I'm not sure how to describe what I feel or what I am still going through. I can't help but to place the blame for my lack of progress on myself. I should probably get out of the house more or something. I've even begun to suspect that Margaret is here with me. I hear things sometimes that probably have a very logical explanation but I tend to attribute them to her presence even though I try to resist such notions.

I'm rambling again. Perhaps I have said enough. I just feel all alone here and I don't know where this is going as it seems to have taken on a life and a direction of its own.

Hiya! It doesn't matter what you are trying to say....you made a huge step by being here. Most men never face grief out loud and that only keeps it going. Secrets can become a huge part of life and ppl trying to hide their grief will definately prolong the process.

Do you have any friends that you can confide in or are you willing to attend a support group? It's hell at first, but you'd be amazed at how comforting it is to hear it from someone elses mouth, when much of what is said is something your heart hasn't found the words for.

I would post more, but I'm at hubby's work and it's just cold enough to make my arthritis bad enough to make typing hard. I will check back in on you though when I get home and the swelling goes down.

My heart goes out to you. But, keep posting....there are phenomenal people here and they are willing to carry you when your feet are not.

Hugs.....take care of your heart...she's there by your side....just sit back and you'll feel her. In fact, she's probably got her own plans in the works to help you get moving again...just don't been too stubborn as to miss it when it comes around. LOL

Take care....Angel

Grief is strange thing. Everyone deals with it deferently, but the root of it is the same. Pain. Pain that is so overwhelming that you get lost in it. You fall into despair, unable to believe that such pain is possible, and sure that it is beyond your indurance. But despite it all you endure, because there is nothing else that you can do, and you go on living from day to day, unsure how you do, and not entirely sure if it's still yourself living, or just some shattered fragment of who you used to be. You try desperately to pull your life back together, again and again, and everytime you end up back where you started. And you start to worry. It's been a month, and I am still over come..... it's been 3 months....
I lost my mother two and a half years ago, and I'm not sure that I'm finished grieving. I know I'm not the same person I was before I learned of the cancer. It seems that your loss would be a greater blow than mine, and I'm so sorry that it has happened. I can tell you that in my grief I often misplaced my depression or anger or anxiety on other aspects of my life, in school, or relationships, or teaching, or financial problems, but behind this all was my grief for my mother. Even though I new about her sickness for two years, and I could see her decline, it never really set in. I guess I could always see that despite the physical changes, her personality was always there, up intil the very end, and it was a complete shock still when she died. I think I was in denial for a while, and after 3 month the devestation really sank in. On the one year aniversery of her death, I lit a candle for her and wept. and now almost two and a half years later, I still feel the pain, and the burning emptiness within myself, but it is more remote now, less encompasing, and I hope, finally under control.
Take heart in her memor, for you loved her, and she loved you, and that transends life and death. Love is eternal, and though you move on and perhaps in time love again, the love you have for her will never diminish and never become less sacred. What is life, if not an opportunity to love another human being. You loved her, and she loved you. Though her life was short, it was still full because she shared that love with you. You made her life worthwhile, and not in vain. Just like she did for you. Now she has left you with the gift of that love. And though she is gone, all that she was still lives in you.
A lot of what I wrote is just me talking to myself, helping myself get through the pain, but perhaps you may take heart in it too. Remember that life is beautiful. Though she left, everything she ment to you lives on. Her beauty never dies, it just changes form. Be heartened, you are through the worst of it. Don't try to rush it, she is worth the hurt. In time the pain will become distant and you will move beyond it. But it will take time.
Good luck, and sorry about the rambling, I just hope it help....

Hi:

In the past seven years I have lost both of my parents and an uncle I was close to. Six months is not a very long time when grieving. You need to give yourself more time.

I remember well the feelings of anger, especially when I lost my dad. It was exactly seven years ago today that my dad died and it was my first experience with losing someone so close to me. I felt so angry with everyone. I remember being at work and not really caring if I finished a report and did my usual activities. Without my dad, it had no meaing for me. I remember driving and thinking how strange it was that the world was still going on, people going about their business and my dad was no longer a part of that. I know it seems hard to believe now, but it does get better with time. There was a time that I would not have been able to go to work or leave the house on these anniversary dates and here I am at work, and while I feel sad, I am doing okay.

Please know that while it does get better with time, you will always miss Margaret and I know you will think of her often. Perhaps in time you will meet someone else, not to replace Margaret as you can never replace a person, but to help fill the void that her passing left in your life.

I was so close to my parents, but am grateful that I have wonderful in-laws. They can never be like my real parents, but they help fill the void.

After I lost my dad, I went for a six-week program at Hospice to help me deal with my grief. The program wasn't long enough for me, so when it was over, I found a therapist who worked with me for a year. The first year is always the very hardest. The holidays are very difficult and you are trying to get used to the "new normal". What also made it very difficult is that I had just gotten engaged a month before my dad died suddenly. Here I was trying to plan a wedding (my heart wasn't in it) and my mother was also seriously ill. I also have two brothers who are mentally ill, one of which I am a guardian for now. It was the most stressful time of my life when it should have been a happy time.

I would consider going for counseling. I know it is hard, but there are counselors who deal specifically with grief and you might be glad that you did. One thing that I think is difficult for men is that I think society expects them to be brave and not show emotions. My therapist encouraged me to cry as often as I needed to (of course not in public).

When you and Margaret got engaged, you were looking forward to a wonderful life together and I am sure making plans for your future. And now have all that taken away would be heartbreaking. Please consider counseling.

Let us know how you are doing.

Ellen

Hello,

I've never been through what you're describing, but I recently finished a book that might offer you some comfort. It's called A Grief Observed, and it's written by C.S. Lewis. Essentially it's his attempt to work through a desperate grief that took hold of him after his wife died from cancer - his situation seems to parallel yours in many ways.

I don't think the fact that you were blind to her condition at the end is anything to be ashamed of. It means that you were able to see through her illness to who she was, and who she still was even in her illness. It means you loved her. I think of pain and joy, grief and love, despair and hope, as very much linked - they seem to increase in proportion to each other. I don't think of people who struggle with grief as weak at all. They are the ones who best know how to love. Maybe the hardest thing in grief is realizing that the beauty of the love you had is still part of this world; it never really disappears, even if we're blinded to it for a little while.

Take care,
Julie

"The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears."
- John Vance Cheney

It will be 6 mos in a few days since I lost my husband. I have gone back to work but was not able to do the management position, which I had worked toward for 8 years. It was worse not to be able to do it because I know how proud my husband was of my promotion. My family took over everything in my life right after his death and I tried very hard to commit suicide but was unsuccessful. I still think about it a lot and am very sorry it didn;t work. Anyway, now everyone seems to think I am "just doing fine". They have tried so hard to do what they think is best for me and I feel guilty that I don;t seem to be happy in the world they have built for me. They have no idea how hard it is for me to keep going. Even these boards make me feel worse, because I don;t seem to have the capacity to want to help others, like so many here seem to have. I am soaking the keyboard with my tears. Maybe I could be lucky enough to be electrocuted??