Dear Friends,
Thank you so much for stopping by and for the encouraging messages and prayers. In many ways it seems as though there is not much left to say. Our Jason is gone ..... and we miss him so very much---more than I can say. I get up each day and he is still gone and I don't hear his voice or see his smile, but his pictures are everywhere and he is always in my heart and in my thoughts and sometimes I cry wanting him back--but then no I wouldn't want him back to suffer more. He is in a better place, yes, he is in a better place, but he's not here with me.

Life still goes on--the other children keep me busy. David was gone on a business trip to Charleston this week, so I had to get the children everywhere they needed to go. Jenny to piano practice, soccer practice and her game; Josh to his bowling league; and both of them to school and to church, making sure that they got all their homework done. Justin drives himself--but often worries me to death--staying out too late or doing things I don't like. He went diving off the concrete support under the bridge with his friends again on Thursday (it was really too cold) when I would much rather he had helped me getting his brother to bowling. He just wouldn't listen and I am afraid that he will do something like this and lose his life. He keeps reassuring me that "It is much safer now, Mom, since we have a rope ladder to climb up to the top of the support." I went to look at the place and was not reassured and before next summer I may actually have a talk with the police or someone to see if a big warning sign should be put up there prohibiting jumping. It is very obvious that it is a hangout for teenagers, but I really don't think it is safe. Justin says, "Dad, every time I go skateboarding I am doing something dangerous." If that is so I wish that he would stop skateboarding.

Have you ever heard this fable by Aesop?
"The Milkmaid and Her Pail." Patty, a farmer's daughter, is daydreaming as she walks to town with a pail of milk balanced on her head. Her thoughts: "The milk in this pail will provide me with cream, which I will make into butter, which I will sell in the market, and buy a dozen eggs, which will hatch into chickens, which will lay more eggs, and soon I shall have a large poultry yard. I'll sell some of the fowls and buy myself a handsome new gown and go to the fair, and when the young fellows try to make love to me, I'll toss my head and pass them by." At that moment, Patty tossed her head and lost the pailful of milk. Her mother admonished, "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

That moral -- "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." How often do we do that? There is something in the Bible about it -- we should say, "If the Lord wills, we will do this or that...."

I had dreams......plans......hopes. So many dreams had come true. I had always wanted to be a mommy from the time I was a little girl and as I grew up I loved babies and longed to hold my own baby in my arms. I became a Christian when I was 19 when I visited by high school math student teacher's college to see if I would want to go to school there. She asked me if I was a Christian and I was ready to admit that I knew that I wasn't and that I desperately needed a Savior and she showed me some verses in her Bible and prayed with me and Jesus saved me that night on the steps of the administration building and he changed my life. I went to that small Christian college for 2 years for pre-pharmacy and then finished up to get my degree at another school where I met my wonderful husband. We married the same month I graduated from school -- June 1979. God did not immediately bless us with children--there were many prayers and tears and infertility treatment. I had hyperprolactinemia preventing pregnancy. After more prayers, God blessed us with our first precious son--Jason in December 1985. We had been married 6 1/2 years and I turned 30 the next month. God gave us Justin two years later, in October 1987, Joshua three years later, in November 1990--I thought I couldn't be happier than with my 3 sons and then God gave us the extra blessing of a little girl, in 1995, my sweet Jenny. I was 39 when she was born. I had one miscarriage early in a pregnancy around Memorial Day 1994--just months before I was expecting Jenny. I love all my children so indescribably much and there was such joy in our house with 3 little boys and a girl. I would have loved for that time to never end--as they looked up to me with big eyes and called me mommy. Of course, they all grew up--much faster than I could have ever have imagined and the boys had all become teenagers--all taller than me (I'm only 4 feet 11 inches and my husband is 6 feet tall), wanting more and more independence, growing away in some ways as children must. Even Jenny will soon be taller than me.

My dreams for them--never controlling--but hoping that they will get to go to college--to graduate--start families of their own--living full happy lives--going to church--chosing the right--following God. For me--well I could imagine a houseful of grandchildren coming to visit. Oh, how I would love that. My children are my mom's only grandchildren, but I had hoped for a large family--lots of children--lots of grandchildren--lots of 1st cousins--JOY. In a way, did I "Count my chickens before they hatched?" I do know that God is in control--I do. Really, no matter how much we pray--God's will will be done--He is over all. And God is love. And His plans are always best. My loving God is in control of my life and his plans for me are always best. ---But right now even though we still have three wonderful children (there was a time I wanted at least a dozen), with the death of our oldest son (with cancer slowly taking him away) it seems like all my dreams have been shattered and that a shadow of sadness has come over all of us. Will this shadow ever leave us? How can it ever leave? Would that mean forgetting the hopes and dreams I had for Jason? Would it mean forgetting him? I'm sorry that I am such a whiner. Jason never felt sorry for himself -- at least not openly -- how bravely he faced cancer.....loss.....pain....death. He was always so strong. Sometimes now I think--well, if the strongest and bravest of my children has been taken from me in this way--what hope is there for the others. Oh, God, please put your protecting arm around my family.

Thank you all for putting up with me and for still caring and praying.

Since Jason was diagnosed with cancer we have met many people also suffering from cancer. I don't always feel that I can burden you with all the hurt--and cancer is a world of hurt, especially the childhod cancer that we have been introduced to. I never thought it would come near our family but it did, and broke our hearts.

I especially wanted to ask you to pray for two families. Please pray for Richie. He is from Nevada, but visited with Jason in January with his best friend Ryan who lives near us. Richie and Ryan were right here in our house and played videogames with Jason. Richie was diagnosed with alveolar rhabdomyosarcoma Stage IV on 10/26/00, went through chemo and was declared cancer-free 12/01, then on 3/19/2003 the cancer had returned. Rithie had more chemotherapy, and a stem-cell transplant. Yesterday, October 5, 2005 on day 762 after his transplant a large mass has been found in his abdomen and the doctors are assuming it is a return of the same cancer. Pray that it is not cancer. If it is there are not many options left and I'm not sure that Richie wants to go through it again. Richie is only 14. They have heard relapse so much, false alarms sometimes that they talk about it calmly as though it is just the weather and say that they are confident in Richie's faith and that if the cancer is back then Richie is ready to go. Such faith--but knowing that your child is going to heaven helps so much. The mom recently had surgery for thyroid cancer and now this. His family is wonderful. They have their youth group over a lot. Go to lots of Christian concerts. Live life to the full. They are just really nice people. His dad is a youth minister at their church.

Second, please pray for the Kevin and Linda and their family. I may have asked you to pray for them before. They live near us and it was their son Ryan who visited us with Richie. The dad, Kevin, had colon cancer 10 years ago and his colon was removed and things were fine up until about a year ago when the cancer had relapsed in many places. Things just don't look good for him -- he is so weak and he sleeps more and more and has lost so much weight--and the cancer keeps growing. The colon cancer he has is an inherited cancer called FAP Garners Syndrome. So far the oldest two of his 5 children were tested for the gene that causes it and Ryan tested positive and already has many polyps that will become cancerous in time--his colon will have to be removed within a few years to prevent the cancer. Pray for Kevin, his wife Linda and his 5 children (their youngest two are only 4 and 6 I think) as they face what the doctors say is inevitable--
When Ryan heard that his best friend Richie has relapsed again he just went to his room and locked the door. His dad is so sick and now his best friend--

We met the Kevin and Linda's family through Connor's family. Connor had the same kind of cancer as Jason and was from here in our town. He died last November the day after his 10th birthday. He was Eddie and Rhonda's only child. I know Eddie and Rhonda also need prayer -- Connor's birthday is October 31 and he died November 1, 2004--this will be the one year anniversary of his passing, as well as Connor's first birthday with him in heaven.

The above families I have met personally. On a list for Jason's kind of cancer I have met many others that have rhabdo. Sometimes there are stories of clear scans and good news, but for little 3 year old Sriya who lives in CA (with the same cancer as my Jason) the news is not good. No chemo has held her cancer in remission. It just keeps growing. Usually children her age have a better outcome with this cancer, but not always. Her doctors want her to go on hospice and have told her parents that there is nothing else they can do for her. This precious little child can no longer even sit up on her own and is in more and more pain. She is so small and has been through so much. Please pray for Sriya and her parents, too.

I know that there is a lot of pain in the world. Starving children in other countries, mean people who hurt others, wars, diasters--but until my son was diagnosed with cancer--the pain was out there and we were insulated from it. Now we feel the pain of great loss ourselves as we have watched our son suffer and die from a cancer that could not be cured even with the strongest chemotherapy available.

I also just learned that participating Volvo dealerships are donating money for childhood cancer research this week--October 8-16. It is called Volvo for life -- if you want to look it up -- and for each person that test drives a Volvo they donate $20 for childhood cancer research. We have no intention of buying a new car right now, but we may go down to the Volvo dealership (a distance away) to thank them for doing this, to tell them a little about Jason and our other friends (children with cancer) and to test drive a Volvo. Childhood cancer research is so underfunded--and even more so the rare childhood cancers -- all the childhood sarcomas (rhabdomyosarcoma, Ewings and others), Wilm's Tumor, neuroblastoma. This week was a big one for raising money for breast cancer research, well advertised, but so few even know that September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Please let me know if you hear of other big companies like this -- Chili's and Volvo who are supporting childhood cancer research.

God bless you all.

Prayingmom; Thinking of you daily and praying for you, Jason and your family. We will also add your other friends to our prayer list: Richie; Ryan and his dad,mom and family, Kevin and Linda; Connor, his parents Eddie and Rhonda; and Syria and her family.
Continued wishes for peace and comfort for you Pam.

Thank you for stopping by and your kind messages and your prayers.

Jenny, Josh, and I went to a church get together from 4-8 this evening. David didn't come because his stomach is bothering him and he may also be catching a cold. Justin was working at Arby's until 6pm so he didn't come.

Our church is starting a new building program and today was commitment day for pledges. This evening we had a celebration at this place about 30 miles away out in the country. Enough money has been pledged with only 1/3 of the membership so far having pledged that we can begin building soon on a huge new gym/youth area. Joshua just had to go to this because he had promised a girl that he would go and meet her there. (Joshua-will be 15 in 3 weeks-thinks a lot about girls these days--takes a lot more showers and uses a lot more deodorant.) Jenny brought her best friend Kristen and met up with her other best friend Bethany. They both had fun. Besides hayrides and hanging out with the girl who invited him, Joshua played tackle football. He is 6 feet tall and weighs 250 pounds--so different than his brothers--Jason was 6 feet and 150 pounds--always so tall and thin, and Justin is shorter maybe 5 feet, 8 or 10inches, but probably weights a bit more than 150. Back to football--Joshua said it was funny--they gave the ball to him once and he just walked across the goal line with people just hanging on him trying to stop him and he just dragged them with him. He has always been such a happy smiley boy and people always comment on his big smile. You hardly every see him without a smile. Jenny had fun being with her friends. The children ran around with their friends--I never saw Joshua all evening until it was time to leave. I was so glad that I could walk around with Bethany's parents instead of being alone in the crowd. Of course, I know a lot of the people--many are very dear to me and lots of them asked, "How are you doing?" I just said, "Okay, but it is hard." and it really is hard. People said, "We are still praying for you." The young man who sang "I can only imagine" at Jason's funeral was there. I'm glad we had that song--it is one of joy and really makes me think of how wonderful heaven is and that Jason is there now experiencing what I can only imagine. Another Jason, a young policeman who was my Jason's 10th grade Sunday School teacher, was there. A couple that lost their 17 year old and his 15 year old stepbrother in a car wreck about 4-5 years ago were there with their 2 cute children (a boy and girl they adopted). The wife said that I can come talk with her anytime because she knows what it is like. One of the girls that Jason dated a few times-Stephanie, who went with us on the beach trip with several of Jason's friends in the summer of 2004, was there. She hugged me--asked how I was doing, made some small talk. Everything has changed because Jason is gone. His friends came to see him. How thankful I am that they supported him throughout his illness, and now...well now, there's not much reason for them to come here.... What words are there to say. They were his friends and he is gone.

I'm glad we went. It was good to get out. It is so pretty out there in the country. There was plenty of good food --barbeque and the fixings and hotdogs and desserts. The place had big swings, see-saws, horseshoes, miniature golf, basketball shooting places, pony rides, inflated bouncing place, hayrides. There was music and even a hoola-hoop contest. Lots of babies and little children were there. The 2 year old adopted from Guatemala and his big sister who was adopted from Russia were there -- I've always wished David could bring me back a little girl from Venezuela when he goes there on mission trips, but it is not that easy. It is a complicated procedure to adopt and foreign adoptions are so expensive. There as so many children who need homes though. At my age (I'll be 50 in January) I'm not sure adopting an infant is the best idea anyway, though I would love to have a baby. (I'm just talking--we haven't even begun to really look into adopting. I'm very open to the idea.) No one could ever replace Jason in my heart--but I could take the risk to love another child. Have you ever thought of love as a risk? When you love you are also opening yourself up to being hurt. My heart still is full of love.

After we got home I fixed David something to eat and Josh was hungry again so I made him something to eat, too. David was watching a football game. Then, I called my mom and talked for a long while. I talked to her about what I was thinking as I got David's and Josh's food ready--it had made me cry. I thought about how all of our lives are less because Jason is gone. I was Jason's mommy for 19 years, Justin and Joshua were his brothers, etc. and now that Jason is gone--in many ways that relationship that lasted for whatever period of time is gone too. Who we were in relation to him was a big part of our lives--a big part of who we are. We will never be the same without him. I was his mom and I loved being his mom, but he is in heaven and I'm not sure what my relationship with him will be when I arrive there. It is the same with all his friends--they were his friends, not mine or Justin's--we could look on, and sometimes be invited to share in the friendship a little bit--but with Jason gone that has ended. All of us were so blessed to know him. Without Jason we are less. Of course, I also know that our lives are more because we even had the priviledge of having Jason in our lives in the first place--but I am thinking of what has been lost.

I took a nap after I talked with Mom. I woke up thinking about Jason--of course he is constantly in my thoughts. My thoughts were of wishing--just wishing that things could have been different. There really was a time when the cancer was not there in his foot, at least I think--or were there always a few little abnormal cells just lying in wait to change.... Who knows what could have caused it? We can only make guesses and still we will never know. Was it the termite spray.....the sunburn.....something he ate.....something he didn't eat......something he did.......something he didn't do? There was a time when the cancer was small--there was a time when it could have been surgically removed and it would have stopped the cancer from spreading and his life could have been saved. It may have meant removal of his foot...or his leg. Wish we could have done something soon enough to stop the cancer. I often wish I could really and truly go back in time to a place when Jason was healthy and make things turn out different, but I can't and he is gone. What good is wishing? None ... just none ... but I can't help having these thoughts.

I guess I need to go feed the dogs (Missy and Mandy) and the bunny (Peter) now. I have to be at the doctor's office for a mammogram tomorrow at 8:30.
Ladies, if you are over 40 you need to have a mammogram done on a yearly basis, too and if there is increased breast cancer risk in your family, perhaps sooner than 40. Take care of yourselves and God bless you.

Never before my son's illness did I look with such dread to the future.
Although I knew that my son would be going to a glorious place,
I also knew that the future held heartbreak for me
And all who loved him, as we tearfully bid him farewell.
And now though others move on with their lives,
I was his mother and the pain of his loss
Will stay with me until I meet him again.
Come quickly Lord Jesus.
I long to see your face...
And the face of
My sweet Jason.

Dear Praying Mom,
I am very sorry that you are so achingly sad. I know you will grieve the loss of your beloved first-born until you meet again. I hope some day soon though, the sunshine will be back in your life. I just know Jason would want his mother, whom he loves so much, to be happy again. I continue to pray for you and your family and I wish you peace in your heart.

Dear prayingmom, my heart aches SO much for you when I read the words you have written. I cant even begin to imagine what you are feeling :( I look at my darling babies each day ( Haley just turned 2 and Adam about to turn 1 on the 1st November ) and just could not bear the thought of ever losing them. I would rather die myself :( I wish I could turn back time for you, so you could have your darling son back again healthy and happy. You are an amazing person to be able to keep the faith like you have. I can honestly say Im not a church goer, not sure what my beliefs are really, but I know if something happened to me like what has happened to you, it would be very hard not to hate god and curse him for taking away my precious child. I know it must be incredibly hard for you to face each day, and I think you are amazing the way you are still getting up every day and being such a wonderful mother to your other children. I dont think you are too old to become a mother again, there are plenty of women out there who are still giving birth at your age :eek: so adoption certainly shouldnt be out of the question for you . You sound like a lovely lady with a huge heart of gold who could give a little child so much love and a happy home. Please try and stay strong :angel:

have to you tried connecting with your angels? why dont you sit and meditate for a while everyday and deep breath and ask your angels to care for and look after son in this time of need. ask the angels if they will help your son and help your family in this greivous time, angels are a divine guidance and will help your son and you and your family if you ask for there assistance

I went to the continuing education meeting for the last two days. There was only one girl who graduated in my class there. It has been 27 years since we graduated and since I saw her. One of our old professors was one of the speakers. Some of the topics were herbal medicines, obesity, diabetes, depression, preventing drug abuse, and tragic poisonings of the 20th century. I took my little book with pictures of Jason with me. My professor really didn't want to look at Jason's pictures--he's an upbeat guy--he said that he didn't see how I could even manage to be there after what happened to Jason. The girl in my class didn't want to talk to me after I told her about Jason and just kept saying, "I'm so sorry." One lady and her husband had driven down from Pound, VA about 5 1/2 hours away, near David's hometown where we lived for 17 years. She sought me out and said that when she saw my name and address, she'd told her husband that she thought that I must be the one she met at a CE meeting 2 years ago. She is also a homeschool mom. She had heard about Jason from other homeschoolers and has been praying for him for over a year. She was glad to see his picture for the first time. The lady sitting next to me looked through the pictures, too. She was from Ohio. It was very nice that these people were willing to look at Jason's pictures after my classmate and my professor didn't want to talk about Jason at all. The last time I went to a CE meeting 2 years ago--in Feb or March of 2003-- Jason was healthy and strong.

David took care of the other kids while I was there. I had really been dreading this but I ended up enjoying it and getting out with adults was nice--even thought I didn't know them. It was just hard to stay awake all afternoon. Some of the talks on obesity and diabetes made me realize that I'm really hurting myself and need to eat better and exericise more. I cried as I drove by the mailbox that Jason crashed into and totalled a car the spring (spring 2003) before he was diagnosed with cancer. For some reason we had saved the rear passenger door that was ripped off in the wreck and had kept it in the garage all this time. We used to kid Jason that we should mount the door on his wall and we would all laugh about it. Now Jason's not here for us to joke around with. When he had the wreck we were just so thankful that no one was hurt and hoped he had learned his lesson about driving too fast. I know we didn't need that old door, but it made me sad when David put it out in the trash when we cleaned out the garage 2 weeks after Jason died. David said, "It's not a good memory, is it?" I guess the wreck wasn't a good memory, but at the time he wrecked the car, Jason was completely healthy to all appearances and remembering Jason as healthy is a good memory that brings tears to my eyes. I cried again when I told David about how I felt as I went past that old brick mailbox (repaired now of course-cost our insurance a $1000).

Jenny had soccer practice and David was on the adjacent field to referee his first college soocer game--it was really low key, not too competitive--so he enjoyed it. Josh rode his bike around the path and I walked around it--It is at least 2 miles around the 2 huge fields. I thought about Jason and cried some as I walked.

Our Sunday school class is supposed to bring a live tree tomorrow. They are supposed to plant it for us and it is in memory of Jason. It is a weeping cherry. David's uncle also ordered us a live weeping cherry for us to plant. I remember part of an old song that had God saying: "Give me men to match my mountains. Men to stand tall, straight and strong. Give me men to match my mountains and face life with a song." When I looked at Jason--I thought--he is one of those men for God --a man to stand, tall, straight and strong--- I was so proud of him. It seems like somewhere that we ought to plant a tree in Jason's memory that will grow tall, straight and strong like he grew--maybe an oak tree, not just all these weeping cherries--although in some ways they are also appropriate as they will be beautiful as his life was and the weeping part since we will be weeping a long time.

I can't even prepare food in my kitchen without thinking of Jason. His favorite foods were homemade tacos with all the fixings and Chinese stir-fry, so it will be hard to ever fix those again. He also liked Mandarin Oranges in a can and fresh pineapple. He loved fruit slush drinks and often got drinks from a place called Thristys in the mall. When peaches were in season, I would buy big baskets and bring them home and refrigerate them to make peach slushes for Jason and he loved those. The weekend before he died I bought peaches for him. I only got to make 1 or 2 slushes for him before he was gone and the rest of the peaches are still in the vegetable bins in our extra refrigerator. They were for Jason..........

Thanks for continuing to stop by--I know you all are so sick of hearing me whine--sorry. It still helps me to put this down here.

Kind of silly -- seeing a fresh peach or a pear, a can of mandarin oranges or pineapples--some of Jason's favorite fruits and thinking with sadness about him. Or seeing that old mailbox he hit with the car and thinking of him. He is always on my mind. I am trying now to write thank you cards for all the flowers people sent. After that I will start writing thank you cards for the checks people sent for rhabdomyosarcoma research and for the Gideon Bibles. It has been hard getting around to writing all these cards and I feel like I have waited too long to do it, but at first I just couldn't.

Sunday Church--another Sunday without Jason. As I was walking to the sanctuary for worship service I was alone. David stayed home with his stomach hurting, Justin had to work at Arby's from 10-6, Joshua wanted to sit with his friend and Jenny had spent the night at a friend's house and wanted to go to her friend's Sunday school class. The dad of one of Jenny's friends stopped me in the hall and asked me how we are doing. Okay--I said, but we miss him so much.... He talked about his wife's 19 year old nephew. The boy had died in a car wreck a year or two ago and of how much the family misses him--I mentioned my brother who died in a car wreck at almost 15 and how I knew we would hurt when Jason was gone. Our Sunday school must have let out a little late. I really didn't talk a lot, but the choir and congregation had already started singing as I walked around the hall at the back of the sanctuary to get to the stairs to walk down to my usual seat. I was kind of glad that I wasn't in there early because the song they were singing always brings tears to my eyes now. It was called "Blessed Be Your Name."

My tears come as I try to sing the part On the road marked with suffering
Oh, There's pain in the offering and the part about you give and take away.

We know that road marked with suffering now and still we choose to say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" God gave us a wonderful blessing when he sent us that little baby 9 days before Christmas in 1985. My sweet Jason and now God has taken him away and my tears fall. I sang the song a bit as I walked to my seat, but not like I would have if I had already found my seat. As I walked, I noticed some teenage guys standing and talking in a spot that Jason used to stand with his friends. When Jason would see me he would look up and wave his hand and say "Hi, Mom!" I won't be seeing him there with his friends. There is no use in me ever looking for him --he won't be there again, but I can't help but look and remember my boy. Then I got to thinking about last Mother's Day. Jason came to church that day and although he wasn't feeling well, he hadn't told us that he was hurting. Many of his friends sat with their moms that day, but since our Sunday school class is at the same time as the worship service that Jason liked to attend, I wasn't there. David sat with Jason for a while until another of his friends came whose mother wasn't in that service. When David told me--I thought of how I should have been there with Jason--as it could be the last time that he would be with me on Mother's Day. And it was--my last Mother's Day with my first born son. It was Jason's birth that made me a mommy and I was so happy being his mom.

I don't think that there will be those special days in heaven--Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, Christmas. This afternoon, David said that every day in heaven will be special. I do look forward to the day when I will be with my Jason in heaven, but I'll never spend another Mother's Day with him.

The special choir song was "I Will Trust in You"

The pastor's sermon was "When Trouble Comes" Phillippians 1:1-11. His points were:
1) Prayer must be a first response and not a last resort. (verses 3-4)
2) Pray with a spirit of gratitude. (verses 3-5)
3) Pray for God's glory and not self gratification. (verses 9-11)

Then we sang "What a Friend We Have in Jesus"

In the sermon the pastor said that he need to weave prayer into the fabric of our life so that when trouble come we will be ready. (No one is exempt from trouble). My pastor will be having a kidney transplant on 10/25. His sweet daughter is giving him one of her kidneys. Please pray for them.

Really The sermon was very applicable to our situation--because trouble came to our home--the kids were always so healthy. Jason was the healthiest of all my children. Then, Jason got sick and it was stage 4 cancer, the doctors said he wouldn't be cured, and the cancer spread--and he died. I saw a commercial on Disney Channel--about special olympics--there was a boy in a wheelchair and I thought would I have wanted Jason to live if it meant him living with a handicap? Yes, perhaps it is very selfish, but if he could have lived and had good quality of life even if it meant a handicap-which would have made me sad at all that he had lost--I still would have wanted him to live. But it wasn't a choice we had to make so we are left here missing him--always missing him.

Good morning Prayingmom. As you talked about the singing in your church I remembered a song that a small country group sang at a church I visited a few times. It was called "Gone Away With a Friend". I wished I knew the words, because it might bring some comfort. I remember thinking if someone passed, that would be an excellent song to be sung at the funeral because it would remind the loved ones left behind that the person gone is not just gone, but gone away with a friend indeed, the best friend ever.
hugs
Kat

I wonder how baby jason's heart operation went? I calendared it and prayed for him. he was due to be operated on last oct 18th, right?

You are still in my prayers, Prayingmom. Keep hanging on...

Dear Prayingmom,

:angel:

I am so extremely sorry for the loss of your wonderful son. I know it is so hard to accept. Just remember that he no longer suffers from his physical pain, and also from the pain of seeing you all worrying about him. He is now in a Better World. Perhaps he already met my father who died August 26th in the early morning hours, and my mom who died October 8th 2004. They probably all gathered over a dinner table and are currently enjoying a nice meal, looking down on us thinking: "You have no idea what you are all missing up here." :angel:

Think of all the wonderful moments you had with him and I am certain that he whispers to you every single day how much he does love you. :angel:

Please share your moments.

Caring Slippers. :)

Little Jason's surgery was a success!! Thank you everyone for your thoughts and Prayers. Take care,

Melissa

Pam,

Don't ever feel as if we are tired of listening to you! Though you may not realize it, you are a true blessing to those of us who read your posts. We cry with you, smile with you at sweet memories, and pray with you. For those of us who have also lost someone very, very dear to us, (especially those of us who, at times, are still very lost in our grief) your posts remind us that we aren't alone in our emotional sufferings. Most of all, your faith encourages and inspires us in our own walk with Christ. Thank you for that. You are an amazing, strong woman who, even in the midst of her own sadness, positively sparkles with the Light of the Lord!

In Christ,
Lainie

Hi prayingmom, just wondering how things are going for you at the moment. Hope you can post soon :angel:

Thoughts this week

Well, it has been more than a week since I posted anything. I am sorry. I really mean to do this every week, just as a journal of my thoughts during this time of grieving over the loss of Jason. I still stop by here every day and I so appreciate the messages that you’ve left and your prayers for our family.

It has been a busy week. Last Wednesday, the pizzas for our school fund raiser were delivered to the school, so we had to get them delivered before church that night, and . we actually did get them all delivered that afternoon. We still have cookie dough to deliver to three homes, but we just haven’t had a chance to do it. At church on Wednesday night, Joan was there for the first time in months. She is the sweetest lady, proud grandmother of 3 beautiful granddaughters who attend church with us also. The youngest granddaughter was there to help her manage the wheelchair. Joan has relapsed breast cancer, that has spread to her hip and she is now in a wheelchair and a nursing home. I talked with her for awhile. Her doctors are keeping her pain under control and that is so important. I didn’t ask her about what the doctors say about how much time she has left. I don’t know if I will ever see her dear face again. I thought afterwards that I should have asked her to tell Jason “Hi” for me when she gets to heaven. I’m sure she will anyways. I had to come home Wednesday night and clean out the car so that David could have it for a trip. Justin asked for his birthday present and his birthday party to be a trip with his friends to a super skate park in Kettering, Ohio. David, Justin, and four of Justin’s friends left, not so early, on Thursday. It was afternoon before they left, because David made Justin clean the Civic, inside and out, so it would be nice for me. David called several times while they were on the trip. It rained on them most of the way there. It rained on Friday, too, so David took the boys to an indoor skate park they found. On Friday night David bought them pizza and they had birthday cake in the hotel room. Finally on Saturday, even though it was cold, it cleared up enough so that they could skate at the outdoor park—their whole reason for traveling 5 ½ hours to Kettering. David finally got to go to the airplane museum in Dayton on Saturday while they were skating. They drove home on Sunday, again in the rain, stopping at Louisville, KY at the big skate park there on the way back, but they didn’t get to skate, because of the rain.

Back at home, we had to leave by 2:30 on Thursday to get Joshua to his bowling league and afterwards there was a school party with two other schools invited which lasted from 6-9. Joshua didn’t want me to stay at the bowling alley. After I watched him bowl for 1 game and part of the next, he said, “Mom, I thought you said you were not staying.” Jenny and I went to eat at this great restaurant with a buffet of Chinese food. I thought of how much Jason would have liked it. It even had snow crab legs and he loved those—and he also loved Chinese food. After eating at the Chinese restaurant, the two of us went shopping. We went to Hobby Lobby and Big Lots. I looked at Christmas decorations at both places and thought of how sad Christmas will be without Jason. There weren’t many people there and no one really noticed my tears as I stood pretty much alone in the Christmas aisles.

We haven’t ordered the headstone for his grave yet. I’ve looked at a lot of stones. I cried when I talked to one lady at a monument company about prices—when I told her that our 19 year old son had died from cancer. The prices seemed high there—it is a place that says they use the best stone and have guarantees. The prices start at $2900 for a stone that is fairly plain and go up to over $5000 for the solid black ones or anything else special. I had thought Jason would like one of the black ones, but $5000 is more than we could pay. I want one with a cross on it. I would like for it to be somewhat unique and I want a picture of Jason on the stone—they make porcelain pictures that are durable and guaranteed. I want one that is sort of straight on top so that we can put a saddle arrangement of flowers on it. That way the flowers will always be there. I was on the internet a lot this week just trying to decide on a stone that will do. We have brochures from the funeral home in Bakersville, but I haven’t called them yet. I probably should soon, just to check their prices. Picking out a tombstone for a son--not something a parent should ever have too--this is a sad thing, too. The Christmas decorations that we saw made me wish that the stone was already in place so that I could decorate his grave for Christmas. Of course, I start thinking about him being up on the hill, in the cold ground, while we will be celebrating the holidays in the warmth of our home and his Granny’s home without him. Just typing this—I’m crying again.

This week I imagined myself standing at a wishing well, throwing penny after penny into the well, wishing that I could have Jason back—healthy and well. Wishing and wishing that this cancer had never happened. The image of myself standing there, throwing hundreds and thousands and millions of pennies endlessly into the well, knowing my wish can never come true, makes me cry. Don’t get me wrong. I know that he is in a better place and that he wouldn’t even want to come back here now, but it hurts so much as the days pass by.

Justin lost one of his school books last Wednesday and although we looked for the book, since we had the pizzas to deliver, I didn’t do anything about getting copies of pages of the book or his assignment until last night—Monday.. I had to drive a long way to borrow the book and then to get copies. Too much time alone in the car even with music playing I end up crying. So I cried some on the way there and back.

A thought crossed my mind that makes me so sad. We had prayed and prayed for years and years for a baby. After 6 ½ years God blessed us with baby Jason, 9 days before Christmas. What if God had come to us before Jason was conceived and said, “I will bless you with a baby, a wonderful, precious little boy. You will be overjoyed at his birth and will love him. He will grow and florish, but just after his 18th birthday you will learn that he has cancer and before he is 20, he will return to Heaven to be with Me. Knowing this—do you still want this child?” What would my answer be? Oh, how we were tortured standing helplessly by as he endured chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. Knowing him, having him as our son was such a joy. We were so proud of him. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss knowing Jason. These thoughts bring tears to my eyes.

Today, I had the opportunity to help in the nursery. I really just needed to be there to watch a teacher’s sweet little daughter who is about a year old and only from 3:30 to 4:00, but I went over at 3:00 just when the little girl arrived at the nursery, so I stayed for the full hour. Of course, I loved being in the nursery and taking care of this baby. Another lady was also in the nursery. I think that she probably watches the nursery from 1:30-3:30. She is the mommy to a newborn baby girl who was there—so sweet—so precious. She said that yesterday her baby girl was 2 months old. As of yesterday, Jason has been gone for 2 months. The day he died, this little baby was born. I didn’t cry about it for now—it is just something to think about and as she grows I will remember Jason. Life and Death. Joy and Sadness.

Thank your for your kind thoughts and prayers. God bless each of you. Please treasure the time you have here. Treasure and love your friends and family. Every day is special.

Please remember, I know you do, that Jason is not in that cold ground. He is where the warmth never stops, where the smiles and shining never stops, where it is simply glorious just to be there.

katkat,
I know -- I just miss him so much -- and wish I could see his dear face again -- alive -- breathing -- see that smile -- hear him laugh. I know I will someday, but it is so hard not having him here now.

When my brother and I were little we didn't get along at times. I can remember us whining, "Momma, he/she is looking at me. Make him/her quit," many mornings at breakfast. At some point a few years before he died, I decided (or maybe it was both of us just decided-but sometimes I think if just one stops arguing it is enough-it takes 2 to argue) that the things we were fighting over weren't worth it and we became friends. We watched scary movies together late at night and I liked to comb his hair. Even though he was my little brother I had come to the point that I really respected him and instead of being a nuisance, I thought of him as a wonderful person. That we were friends and at peace with each other has truly meant a lot to me through the years. I have often thought that I would have regretted it so much if we had still been fighting.

Well, that is the problem with Justin. I regret that he and Jason weren't best friends. When they were little, it seems like they got along with each other better than they did as teenagers. As little children they played together and Justin respected his brother so much--he just followed him around. But they were different even then. Jason became an avid reader. He was constantly reading, before chemo and other meds made it hard for him concentrate and remember. Jason was a deep thinker and totally brilliant with a phenomenal memory. He scored 28 on his ACT college entrance test without even studying and with a lack of sleep. That score would have qualified him for admission at most any college and for scholarships. Justin scored well on early achievement tests, but he did not have the same love for reading. As time has gone on he has not done as well in school, just hasn't applied himself,--but at least he does want to go to college. He will be taking the ACT for the third time in December. On the first two tests he didn't even score well enough to take college courses--he would have to take remedial courses. He is taking an ACT prep class, but he just doesn't seem very serious about it even though he knows that he needs to improve his test scores.

Perhaps it is because they were both boys and felt they had to challenge/compete with each other. Perhaps it is because Justin always wanted attention and although Jason didn't want attention, his brillance always made people notice him for that. Justin just couldn't compete with Jason in that way. Jason quickly grew to a height of 6 feet tall at age 13. Justin was very jealous of that--he has slowly grown to a height of perhaps 5'10" at age 18 (his birthday is today 10/28) and even his little brother, Josh, who will be 15 on 11/5 is taller than him. Jason although very athletically built, enjoying tree climbing, his Heely skates, jumping from heights was never into team sports. Justin loved soccer and basketball. Jason did not like being hugged by relatives--always stiffened up. Justin is always giving hugs. Jason considered himself to be a computer nerd. Justin, on the other hand,was noticed for his curly hair--everyone calls him Fro for his Afro and he loves his nickname. His hair has turned a darker brown over the years. When he was a little boy with his blonde curls and big blue eyes--he was absolutely adorable. As they grew up their personalities were so different. Justin is loud. Jason was quiet. Justin is really sloppy. Jason was very neat. Jason was a leader, and would never compromise his values. Justin is more of a follower and we are concerned about the influence of his friends. Jason had difficulty making friends. Justin easily makes friends. Of course, the type of friends they had were different, too. Justin actually likes Jason's friends and wants attention and respect from them. Jason couldn't stand Justin's loud, unruly, sloppy friends.

I think the conflict between them has weighed on Justin's mind a lot since Jason passed away. He is trying so hard to come to terms with it. I think it may have been one of the "so many things he wanted to talk to Jason about" when he sobbed those words outside Jason's bedroom the day Jason died. The other day Justin said to me, "Mom, Katie and I are so much alike and Jason really liked Katie--I think that he must have liked me, too." So I talked with him about how much he and Katie are alike (and they really are), so I agreed with him that Jason must have liked him. I wish so much that there really had been a mutual respect between them while Jason was alive. As Jason became sicker it was harder for him to deal with Justin and his friends, but he really tried more as it became obvious to him that he would be leaving us. As for me, I treasure each of them, their differences--what unique individuals they are/were. I've always tried so hard not to compare them, but you know they ended up comparing themselves.

Katie dropped by our house this past weekend--just for a few minutes. She was in for several days for fall break. I think she would have liked to have spent some time with Justin, but he was on his skateboarding trip. Things just aren't the same when she visits now--Jason always looked forward to seeing her and the joy that she brought him brightened his days. Some of Jason's friends have told my kids that she is dating again--dating a guy who has a baby. I really don't know, but the thought makes me a sad. It has only been two months. David says that it is none of our business. I know that it isn't. Jason wanted nothing but happiness for her and really that is what I want for her, too. She gave so much and so unselfishly of herself.........she deserves good things. So I pray that God would bless her.

Sibling rivalry. I had three kids too, and yeah all are so different. And when they were younger and fought like they hated each other, wow, stand back! But let someone else say or do something to hurt them and they would be there in a heartbeat. Thats the way it is. I am sure if Jason was still alive and healthy that he'd start having more patience with his little brother, especially as Justin grew older. I hope Justin doesn't think Jason didn't love him, I am sure he did and that love was deeper than merely liking him. It was just that in the end Jason had so much more on his mind I am sure, with the pain and wondering.........he knew he wouldn't last much longer and no matter how much you believe, you have to wonder. Heaven is a wonderful thing, its just getting there that is a little bumpy don't you know? Look out side at the sunny beautilful sky God gave us. Look at the beautiful fall colors against the horizon. There is so much beauty in this world but it cannot be compared to what heaven is.
Hug Justin, he'll be a great man someday and a great father, sounds like he is full of love.
Its hard to understand it now but you have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. I know someday when Justin is grown up you'll look at him with pride at his accomplishments, not only that but for the person he is inside. You'll probably see a hint of Jason there too.
Now I have to go pick up my grandkids, they are staying with us for a few days.
hugs to you prayingmom, you've touched my heart in ways you'll never know. My heart had become so hardened, I think you've put a crack in that old thing.
Kat

Thanks for stopping by and for your message KatKat. I just wish that their sibling rivalry had subsided somewhat before this tragedy struck our home. Best wishes always. How neat that you can keep your grandkids sometimes.

Another week, without Jason. I look at his pictures and cry. The pictures of when he was on chemo, with his bald head, especially make me cry because they remind me of the suffering he went through—so much of it for our sakes. He was ready to go to heaven, but just didn’t want for us to hurt. He really never wanted to hurt anyone and would endure pain to spare others. All his life, his response when he got hurt was, “Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll be fine.” I look at his pictures and think: How can this be? How can he be gone? How can it be true? ….but he really is gone. I know you get tired of hearing it—but I miss him so much. I touch Jason’s pictures gently and say, “Oh, Honey, I miss you.” Tears fall so easily. I never knew that I could hurt so much. My heart had grown calloused, too, in response to the attitudes of my teenage sons who sometimes hurt my feelings and didn't seem to care. Now my heart is just broken. I do fine out in a crowd. I can carry on a conversation. I am not in tears constantly and sometimes I smile and laugh with others, but always there is an emptiness and an ache in my heart.

This past week on October 28, Jenny, Josh and I read from a devotional book. I really thought that I had turned to the correct page, but when I tried to find it to show David, I searched and searched for it and it was actually for August 28—3 days after Jason left us, but I think that God led me to read that page. The entry for that day made me cry because it had one of my favorite verses, Proverbs 3:5-6 as well as the verse that Jason had searched for that explained to him (and us) why God was taking him away now--in our minds too soon. This is what it said: God Knows What’s Best “Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don’t depend on your own understanding.” Prov. 3:5 The problem with this world is that it doesn’t fit. Oh, it will do for now, but it isn’t tailor-made. We were made to live with God, but on earth we live by faith. We were made to live forever, but on this earth we live but for a moment… We must trust God. We must trust not only that he does what is best but that he knows what is ahead. Ponder the words of Isaiah 57:1-2: “The good men perish; the godly die before their time and no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace” (TLB). My, what a thought. God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. Could death be God’s grace? Could the funeral wreath be God’s safety ring? As horrible as the grave may be, could it be God’s protection from the future? Trust in God, Jesus urges, and trust in me

Little Conner, who died last year (with same cancer as my Jason) on 11/1/04, the day after his tenth birthday, has been in heaven for a year now. He is from our town. His mom and dad had a celebration of his birthday on 10/31. Everyone met at the mausoleum, where Conner’s body rests and balloons with messages to Connor were sent up by everyone attending. Afterwards all were invited to his parent’s home for birthday cake. I didn’t get to attend. I was busy on some errands. They wanted it to be a joyous occasion. I don’t know if I could have kept from crying. He was their only child. I wish I could have been there—to see his mom and dad and others who prayed for him who also prayed for Jason.

Jason’s little brother, our son, Justin, is now 18 years old-birthday was 10/28. He tells me that he wants to get a tattoo. He has waited until now to get one because you have to have a parent’s signature before age 18, and we wouldn’t sign. His sister, Jenny, is upset about him getting a tattoo. He told her exactly when, but told her not to tell us. So today while Jenny was at her piano lesson Justin got a tattoo. After piano Jenny had her first (and last since they lost) game in the soccer tournament. Her team played the best they’ve played the whole season and came so close at least to a tie, but the other team scored near the end so it was 2-1. When Justin came home, he did have his tattoo—on his side—guns and roses I think. David tells me to keep it all in perspective. He says a lot of people nowadays get tattoos—more than I would think, he says. I just don’t understand why Justin has to go off and do these things that he knows that we don’t want him to do. I even had a talk with him tonight asking him if he is just trying to do things because we don’t want him to do them, but he says that isn’t why. David totally ignored the tattoo. Justin even asked, “Does Dad know about it?” Justin is so proud of it and left a few minutes ago to show it off to some of his friends. I so wish that we could send Justin to the Christian college I went to, even if it were just for a couple of years to get him away from these “friends” of his. Jenny and Joshua are still so sweet. Jenny says that she would never do anything like get a tattoo, but I do think that Justin is having a bad influence on her. When she saw his tattoo, Jenny said, “Oh, cool!” Still she says that she wouldn’t do that. Okay—keeping it in perspective as David said—at least Justin is here—alive and healthy and a tattoo isn’t so awful (especially since it is not in a highly visible spot) and he is a good, hard-working boy. How significant is a tattoo in the long run anyway when I consider what we’ve been through this year. I wish that Jason were here—even doing crazy things like Justin, jumping off rope swings under bridges in the summer…getting a tattoo. Really all that is just normal teen stuff……..sometimes it is a wonder that any of them make it alive out of their teenage years.

Thank you for stopping by and remembering our family in your prayers. Please also pray for Richie, (14 yo) whose cancer has relapsed for the 3rd time--treatment decisions and now having some pain, Sriya (3 yo) who doesn’t have many days left—pain control and a peaceful passing and for her parents, for Kevin who grows weaker by the day—pain control, good days, for him and for his sweet wife and 5 children—youngest is only 3. Richie and Sriya both have rhabdomyosarcoma and Kevin has FAP-Garners Syndrome – colon cancer relapsed. He is now down to 119 pounds—not much on a 6 foot tall frame.

Gosh your last paragraph left me with a lump in my throat. Its so easy to complain about how things go wrong with our kids, how we worry about small things or not so small things but they certainly shadow in comparison to what these kids are going through and what your Jason went through. I hated to see my son get a tatoo also but thinking about it now it isn't so bad. I like to see his Crohn's disease cured and he could have ten more tatoos. He recently got two more, the names of his two daughters. His oldest thought it was really neat. As mothers we don't like it but these kind of things has to be put into prespective. And it sounds like David is not wanting to give his youngest son the attention maybe he is trying to get with his tatoo. That might be something to think about too...or simply the tatoo is a "teen thing" and nothing more.
A friend of mine lost her son in a car accident about 14 years ago. I don't think it is something you ever get completely over, but things will get easier. I know that is hard to comprehend right now. God be with you.
Kat

Prayingmom;
Wanted to let you know I am thinking about you, Jason, Daivd, Justin, Josh and Jenny-your precious family. I will add to the continued prayers Richie, Sryia and Kevin--and also Connor and his family.
Please know you are never far from my thoughts. Wishing you comfort. Gina

Hi Everyone,
Thanks so much for stopping by and checking on us and for your prayers.

(I mentioned to Justin my wish for Jason to be here-I don't remember the context right now-and he said, “You know that Jason wanted to get a tattoo, don’t you, Mom.” “I know,” I said. “…and you’d have gotten all mad at him if he’d gotten one, wouldn’t you?” “Probably,” I said. But in reality—when Jason spoke of getting a tattoo this past summer—how could we get mad at Jason over anything when he was dying of cancer. We just wanted him to live.
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Today (Thursday), the children and I went to the dentist. Everyone’s teeth were fine—no cavities! This was the first time back to our dentist’s office without Jason. Once on Reading Rainbow, a book called The Very Last First Time was reviewed. I think about that book sometimes when I say “first time” for something—it will never be the first time again. There are a lot of first times without Jason. (Justin’s first birthday with Jason gone, the first autumn without him, the first Christmas without him, etc.) Our dentist and his staff asked how we are doing and said that they are still praying for us. Just as the dentist came in to talk to me, a song played in the office that made me cry. It isn’t even a sad song. It is actually a wonderful song. It just brought back memories of happy times when Jason lived and breathed in my sight and the future was full of endless possibilities for him.
The song was Steven Curtis Ch-a-p-m-a-n’s song
“The Great Adventure.” based on
[1 Cor. 2:9-10, Eph 2:4-10]

I have always especially loved the chorus. You know, life in Christ is a Great Adventure. The significance of the song to me is also tied in with the mission trip our family went on in 1994. Jason was 9, Justin was 7, and Josh was 4. (David and I were 38.) I had just had a miscarriage in May of 1994 and the trip was in June, the year before Jenny was born in April of 1995. Our good friends, the Taylors and our family drove out to Arizona but we were not together. We visited several national parks (Petrified Forest/Painted Desert, Grand Canyon, Arches and one other) before the week of the actual mission project. Many others in the group flew out. Three different churches worked together on the mission trip which was to conduct several Vacation Bible Schools for children on the Indian reservation. It was a wonderful trip. The air conditioner on our Plymouth Voyager stopped working in Albuquerque, NM—it froze up, but we didn’t know it and so the belt that ran it became strained and snapped and broke as we headed toward the desert into Utah. That same belt ran the alternator, which charged the battery, so when we stopped at a rest area, David noticed that the blinker didn’t work as he signaled the turn and then that the windshield wipers didn’t work There we were stranded in the hot desert at a rest area (that had water and bathrooms, thankfully–not all rest areas out their do) with a completely dead battery, our 3 little boys, and a few slices of bread and meat for sandwiches) God provided—some wonderful people—knew exactly what the problem was—borrowed cables—charged the battery—followed us in their motor home as we coasted to the nearest town while we were praying the entire way-60 miles away—God even changed the wind direction (only during that brief time) so that the wind pushed us there. We coasted into the first gas station we came to and the car was dead again. At the station they put on a shorter belt that by-passed the air-conditioner and charged the battery for us. Our journey was barely interrupted, except to see God’s provision for us and how God answers prayer. And we saw God’s provision for us the entire week of the mission trip. Needed rain came, without the high winds that usually occur that would have blown our tents down—rainbows and double rainbows in the sky. Justin was so eager to witness to Indians from the reservation—but he didn’t even know which people were Indians. He thought one of the African-American ladies from one of the other churches was an Indian and tried to witness to her. That is a precious memory. The little children from the Indian reservation were precious, too, and many prayed to receive Christ that week. Each morning for the entire week, a trio that included our youth minister and two of his friends with guitars walked around the tents where we slept and sang and played “The Great Adventure” as our wake up call. My boys were all happy, healthy, and strong and their whole lives lay before them. Who would have thought that 10 years later our oldest son would die from cancer-that his “whole life” here on earth would last only 19 years?

This evening (Thursday) Justin called to say that he couldn’t drive home because he broke his wrist skateboarding. His friend Michael drove him to Josh C.’s house. For a skateboarder to admit (to his parents) that he is having pain means he is really hurting. David and I drove over to get him and the car and to take him to the emergency room. The X-ray does show that Justin’s left hand is broken in two places. A splint was placed on it and we have to make an appointment tomorrow with another doctor to put a cast on next week—after the swelling has gone down.

Well, having children, especially a child like Justin, is a Great Adventure, too. I couldn't make it through the day without my Saviour and the hope I have in Him.

God bless you all.


P.S. Thank you happyelf and katkat for continuing to stop by and for your prayers for our family and the families I mentioned who have cancer. Richie had his port installed Thursday and started chemo. New pictures I saw of Sriya look as though the tumor on her forehead has grown. Kevin saw his doctor today, who is very concerned about his weight--wanting him to drink a can of Boost each day. He is not currently eligible for any clinical trial and there is pressure (a tumor?) on one of his lungs and is not on chemo. Little Connor's one year anniversary/birthday party in heaven celebration took place--balloons with notes to Conner were set adrift and his parents invited all to their house for birthday cake afterwards. I wonder what special thing to honor/remember him we can do on Jason's mid Dec birthday-12/16 with his grave so far away-300 miles.

Prayingmom; what a nice celebration for Connor's birthday...I've always thought that was a wonderful way to remember someone on their day. That would be nice for Jason. You can do it from your backyard, it doesn't have to be from his grave. He'll see it, and be there, no matter where you are. What do YOU want to do? It is about you also. Whether it's quiet retrospect or a balloon releasing party, it will be the right thing. Stay strong. I'll remember an extra prayer for him on your day 12/16.
Continued prayers and ~hugs to you. Gina

At church on Wednesday night, Joan was there for the first time in months. She is the sweetest lady, proud grandmother of 3 beautiful granddaughters who attend church with us also. The youngest granddaughter was there to help her manage the wheelchair. Joan has relapsed breast cancer, that has spread to her hip and she is now in a wheelchair and a nursing home. I talked with her for awhile. Her doctors are keeping her pain under control and that is so important. I didn’t ask her about what the doctors say about how much time she has left. I don’t know if I will ever see her dear face again. I thought afterwards that I should have asked her to tell Jason “Hi” for me when she gets to heaven. I’m sure she will anyways.

Please treasure the time you have here. Treasure and love your friends and family. Every day is special.

I'll post more later, but just thought I would stop by for a minute. I really seldom even get the opportunity to post--the kids are on the computer so much these days. The quote above is from 10/27. I noticed in the church bulletin this morning during Sunday school that it said that my friend Joan was in the hospital, instead of the nursing home, so I knew that she had to be having a difficult week. Just before prayer time, prayer was requested for her family since Joan had passed away. I'm not sure of the date, but I was afraid that I had missed the funeral and everything--then I forgot to ask. Jenny had to be up at the church at 3:00 for practice for the children's Christmas musical and when we got there I noticed all the cars and funeral home vehicles parked at the chapel. It was Joan's funeral service. I was just dressed casual so I didn't feel as though I could go into the service, so I sat outside the door so that I could listen--I didn't get to go in to see her dear face one last time--I could see the open casket as I peeked through the glass in the door. I cried as I remembered this dear sweet lady, who loved her 3 beautiful granddaughters and her daughter so very much. She loved Jesus, VBS, and people, and was always at the church volunteering and even in the nursing home and in doctor's offices she was a witness for Jesus Christ her Savior. Even though during Jason's illness, Joan relapsed with her own cancer and as she became bald from chemo, she was still always so concerned for Jason and asked about him and prayed for him. I am so glad that I got to just sit and talk with her that one last time on a Wednesday night. There was just something about her that night--I really thought that she would be going on to heaven very soon. I thought about her all this week--wanting to do something for her--take her a vase of roses or something--I had no idea of the struggle she had to go through this week and now I can't take her a vase of flowers that she can see. Her daughter stopped by where I sat and said she was so glad that I could be there.

Kevin and Sriya are declining so rapidly this week. Oh, how we desire a miracle for them. It doesn't look like that will happen though. Please pray for a pain free passage to heaven for them and comfort and peace for all these families.

God bless each of you.

My best friend Jewel from East TN came with her family for a short visit. They arrived Friday night at about 7 and left to go home by 4 the next afternoon. She and her husband came with their three children, Daniel, Sarah and Jonathan. Her son Daniel was Jason' best friend when we lived there. Her children came to go to a concert at RocketTown in Nashville. They had a good time at the concert, but sure had a difficult time getting to sleep Friday night. Donnie, Jewel's husband, spent hours on Thursday, copying tapes they had with Jason in them. There were tapes I had never seen. There is one of little 3 year old Jason that I loved. I was moved to tears several times as I watched the tape. It means so much to me. How wonderful of Donnie to go to such trouble. I found a few more family pictures, some with Jason in them, this week.

Our pastor Brother Glenn and his daughter Amy are recovering from surgery.
On the week of October 24, a Tuesday, Amy gave one of her kidneys to her dad. Both are recovering well, and Brother Glenn is supposed to be resting, but I know he has been up to the church. This week for the Sunday morning service Aaron, our minister of evangelism, spoke. The title of his sermon was “Who Am I?” With the text from Romans 8. Special music was a ladies quartet and they sang “Dying to Reach You” and LeaAnn A. sang a solo with the choir-- “God is Here.” Aaron led in a guided prayer after the choir sang and one of the things he mentioned was laying our burdens, sins… at Jesus feet. That really spoke to me. I really felt the need to just lay all my hurt over Jason’s death at Jesus feet. I just really felt the need to say “Abba, Father” “my daddy” and confess that I hurt and that I didn’t want Jason to die and that I don’t understand it and that it is just hard and ask Him again to please just help me. Somehow I have felt a little better this week—though I still miss Jason terribly and I still cry. In answer to the question which was the title of Aaron’s sermon, “Who am I?”—if you are a Christian—it is “I am in Christ.” I kept thinking of the Casting Crowns song, “Who Am I?” Jason didn’t like to listen to this song, so I didn’t make him. I think it was because Jason knew that he was the flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind. We all are. Our lives here are so temporary and yet God still cares for us, loves us, knows each name, knows each hurt. Praise His Holy name.


When I was visiting someone’s webpage page today (Monday) I read that Rascal Flatts’ song “Skin” has risen to number 2 on the country charts. It is about a teenage girl who has cancer. The lyrics touch my heart. We had these same feelings expressed in the song, and oh, how I wish that Jason and Katie could be dancing around and around without any cares and holding each other close. Katie really was Jason’s very first true love. She will always be his first love, and his last love--his only love and he will always be 19.

Tonight, Jenny and I were in Dollar Tree at the mall when I heard the song “Skin” start playing over the sound system and I briefly told Jenny what it was about. One older lady shopping in the same aisle heard me and said, “I think that I am going to have to leave. I really can’t listen to this song. I just get too emotional.” I told her that my 19 year old son died of cancer just 2 months ago. Jenny said, “Momma, don’t say anymore or you start crying.” The song played and I cried, a little, of course. It is only a few more weeks until the senior formal. Jason didn’t get to go with Katie last year to the dance. He thought he would be having chemo and told Katie not to come, but then he stopped chemo that week and went with friends to the formal. He didn’t dance with anyone since Katie wasn’t there. Jason’s birthday is coming up. He would have turned 20 this year.

Prayingmom; Once Again, I am moved beyond words. Your courage, strength and insight are inspirational. You are an amazing woman who has an amazing family. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved friend Joan, and also of Sryia and Kevin's decline. People should not have to hurt, and little ones should not have to bear this weight-learn this lesson so early. Many prayers to them this week for comfort and peace. My thoughts and prayers are with you as always. HappyElf/Gina

I have bad news. Little Jason will have to have surgery again. His aortic valve closed again. So please pray for a safe surgery and healing. If this surgery does not work he will have to have open heart surgery. So I pray for the little surgery to open his valve and to work properly and I pray for my cousin/best friend to keep strong. Thank you all.

Prayingmom, this may seem weird but I think you are the best. Something about you brings me comfort, I don't know. I hope you have a good day. Stay strong.

Melissa

Melissa
Sorry to hear the news of little Jason's health and impending surgery. I'll keep him, his family, you and his doctors in my prayers for comfort,e peace and healing. When is his surgery? Let us know how he fares after the procdure. Gina

Thank you happyelf, I will let you guys know...Take care.

Hi Everyone,

To all that have lost a loved one, take comfort knowing that he or she completed their task on the Earth. They did what they needed to do. What that is may not always be clear, but you will know one day.

CanadianJon, Happy Elf and Mrzshorty,
Thank you all for stopping by here and leaving messages. Melissa--I will certainly be praying for little Jason and hoping for the best--just so sorry that this sweet little boy has to go through surgery again and just hope that this will take care of the problem so he can just grow up happy and healthy. Jon--I know that you are right--we do just have to trust that their job on earth is finished--but it sure is hard to understand--especially when it is a child or a young person. One thing is for sure--our pastor says--the odds for dying are 1 out of 1. It is something we all have to face, so we need to be ready for it. I'm so glad that Jason was a Christian and that he was at peace--"I will just be in heaven a few years before you, Mom." I would have given anything though if I could have taken Jason's place and died instead of him--just so he could live his life--19 years is so short and then to have to suffer the way he did with cancer, chemo, radiation--for 2 years--it was so hard, so hard to watch and not really be able to do anything to stop the cancer. We prayed and prayed--but all along we knew that Jason's life was in God's hands. Those of you who followed Jason's journey--thank you once again for coming along side us and feeling our pain and praying with us--for us and for my dear son. I know that you hurt for us. How can I ever thank you enough for living through this with us?

My pastor, Brother Glenn and his daughter Amy who gave him her kidney are still recovering. He is having some swelling now though in relation to the transplant, so we pray that this clears up soon. His son-in-law, Brady, Amy's husband, was our guest speaker at church today. He was youth minister at our church before Jason got sick. Now he is senior pastor at a thriving church in a college town about an hour's drive away. Jason had hoped to someday visit that church and hear Brady speak. He is the one we asked to speak at Jason's funeral and memorial service. Out of all the many people he could have spoken to today--when he exited the pulpit--he took the time to wait for us to come down the steps, so that he could speak to us and ask us how we are doing. That meant a lot to me today. Our whole family--all 5 of us now--no longer 6--was there. Justin was sitting with us, because his usual Sunday school class didn't meet today--I think there was a high school retreat this weekend. It was good just to be together at church--oh how I miss Jason........

I know that there are only a few who still stop by here. At least I think that it is only a few as not many leave messages and I don't really look at the numbers who visit. I just wanted to ask those of you who do stop to please be in prayer for the two people I have mentioned before. Both Kevin and Sriya are in very critical condition right now.
Kevin, 39 year old father of 5 (youngest daughter is only 3) has gone down so quickly this week. His wife posted a beautiful tribute of her love to him this week with a wedding picture from way back then. They have asked for people not to call--keep the phones quiet. Kevin's parents are on their way and they all just want to spend these last few days/hours together. Little 3 year old Sriya--sweet little thing--doesn't really understand what is happening to her--you know, just a week or so ago she started asking when the large lumps on her head will go away. The tumor on her hip/leg has grown so rapidly, the hospice nurses are shocked and have told the parents this past week that she probably has less than 2 weeks. She can't breathe well when she is laying down, so the parents (and only the parents will do-Sriya won't even let her grandparents hold her) are having to hold her 24 hours a day. And just today the mother fell down some steps and hurt herself badly enough that she can't hold and carry the little girl around so her daddy is having to hold her all the time.

How am I doing this week? Well, it seems as though the tears have come less, but they are still right there if I just sit and consider living life without Jason. Joshua had his birthday party Friday night/Saturday--he turned 15 on November 5. So here's another family birthday party without Jason. Joshua wanted armbands at an Activity Center in town so he and his 3 friends could do the bumper cars, laser tag and such, which occupied them for a few hours. We had pizza at home before they left and cake at home when they returned. The 3 boys spent the night. Stayed up all night playing video games so they slept late on Saturday. I made them bacon, eggs, gravy and biscuits, but honestly it was after 12 when they ate. David bought Joshua a 4-wheeler that had to be put together--it will be kept at his friend, Bobby's house, because they actually have a place to ride it-44 acres in the country. Saturday, kind of late afternoon, David took Josh and friends up to Bobby's where he checked out his new 4-wheeler (not working properly yet-carbuerater needs adjusting) and played paintball. Jenny went to see Chicken Little with one of her friends. I was home alone without my van since David needed it to transport those big boys. I finished planting the first pansies I bought. To think--spring will come again--and flowers will bloom--seasons will change and time will go on--all without my Jason here.

My mom's birthday was yesterday. I was bad--I didn't call--the day got away and I just didn't call. She called today. She was worried that I might be sick or something. I really had tried to call this week one time, but my brother keeps Mom's phone busy most of the time. It is difficult to reach her sometimes. I hadn't realized that Thanksgiving is so soon. It is only a week and a half away. I am telling you--it is going to be so sad to even be going up to my mom's house--300 miles without Jason--to eat a Thanksgiving meal without him. He was with us last year at this time--still on chemo--he was bald at Thanksgiving, but still seemed happy. Katie dates their anniversaries -- when they started going together as November 8 last year. I cried while I was on the phone with Mom. She talked about walking on those paths through the wood where the kids used to walk--the little creek where they played in the summer--the tree Jason chopped with an ax, but not all the way through so that it is still there, the rock my strong boy moved out of the field and I remember those happy days. These are not happy days in my life. I always hated a song with the words or title-"Love hurts"--I thought that it wasn't true--but when someone you love dies--well love hurts-- It just does and still you wouldn't change a thing about the love you had except if we had known that Jason would leave us so soon--we would have done more--made more memories--given more--traveled more--spent more time doing what he wanted ...spent more time together--David would have made that train set for him ...... You just don't know when someone you love will be gone -- we have no guarantees -- so take the time -- make the memories -- take pictures -- videotape -- whatever.... Just don't waste time worrying about little insignificant things. Think of what is really important. People are what's important. David said that someone in our Sunday school class told him this week that what happened to Jason has changed everyone's attitude who knows us,--especially people in our Sunday school class. Daddies are taking the time to build their little girls the playhouses they dreamed of and little boys are getting elaborate treehouses that the dads always meant to build. People are realizing that they need to spend more time together as a family. Time is a most precious commodity--and we spend it everyday--often carelessly without realizing it.

I know that our lives weren't all walks in the park the way I'd dreamed motherhood would be. It wasn't all fun. There were lots of dirty diapers, and sometimes the kids were sick, lots of clothes to wash and tummies to keep full. Sometimes things were hard--but on the whole--we were happy. God had finally given me children and I found that verse-may have mentioned it earlier--"God has made the barren woman to be a joyful mother of children." That was my desire--my dream--what I had always wanted and prayed for. I didn't fuss about them getting clothes dirty, because that's what little boys are supposed to do. I can remember just trying to get my three little boys to go to sleep in their red bunk bed-full mattress on the bottom and twin on top. Jason slept on the top bunk. They were so full of giggles and energy it was hard to get them to settle down and every night at bedtime I read them a Bible story. I never remembered having that much fun when I was little and it was so wonderful having a houseful of laughing children. I wish I could have those days back again.........

tears......

Once again I am wishing that I could find words that would comfort you, and help your heart heal from this awful wound. Only a mother living through it knows fully the extent of the horror and pain you must feel knowing you'll not see him again in this life. But there is the comfort of knowing that Jason's heart was close to God and that someday you WILL see him again.
I am glad to hear that those around your family have had their eyes opened and can see that they need to look differently at their own children, because one never knows do they?
Hang on to those memories, now they may cause the painful ache in your heart but some day you'll find yourself smiling more and more to those memories.
hugs
Kat

I think especially every time a child or an adult in our church is diagnosed with cancer or dies before their time in an accident, we are all reminded of how very fragile life is and how any of our lives could change in what would seem to be a moment of time.

Our church is really big, so at any given moment there are many struggling with cancer either in themselves or in a relative, but when a young person like Jason is affected and then that young life ends--it touches people even more. One lady in our class had thyroid cancer and treatment for it last year. My Joshua's best friend's dad (this is Bobby's dad, Steve) has had colon cancer and a relapse and is now in treatment again. His surgery is coming up at the end of December. Within the last month there was major concern for a little girl named Kyla, Jenny's age (10) who bumped her shoulder in a soccer game and suddenly started having major pain--X-rays showed something suspicious. The doctors said that it was either some type of cancer or an infection in the bone. What choices! I think what we are hearing now it that it was an infection caused by an ill-fitting dental appliance that caused a sore in her mouth. So many young people here have died in car wrecks or boating accidents, also. They are gone so suddenly.

Life is very precious.

Hello again, prayingmom, I haven't been here lately. I wish I could convey to you my heartfelt feelings for your loss. I read your words, and I have experience similar pain. I know that time heals; it really does, but when you are in the midst of new grief, it seems like nothing will ever be the same. It seems like your heart will never heal.

Cry. Cry as often as you need/want to. Your heart is breaking; you hurt physically. It's ok to cry. I did most of my crying in private, but that's just the way I wanted it. Do whatever is best for you.

It's odd, isn't it, that "normal" things keep on occurring...soccer games, the World Series, war. Almost surreal. Well, this post is just meandering... I just wanted to write and tell you that I think of you often.

Wish I knew the exact words that could comfort.

I know only a tiny bit of your pain. My 21 year old cousin (then 20) almost died of extensive intracranial pressure caused by a brain tumour. He had to have emergency surgery once they found it. Luckily the surgery was successful and the tumour benign but those were some of the darkest days for our family and I can't begin to imagine what my aunt and uncle went through.

I am so sorry for your loss. May God bless you.

Thank you for your post on my thread. I can't express what I feel for you and your family. There just isn't the words. As I read thru your threads and posts my heart breaks. I have 2 girls, I was reading your post yesterday, on your sweet Jason's, last hours with you and your family. I had to get up! I had to get my children and just hold them. I'm not even going to pretend like I know or understand the hurt that you and your family has endured but you are all loved. Jason will live forever through you and your family and with these posts he will live within us and our hearts too. God Bless You. Take the very best of care. Prayers and love go out to you.

Praying Mom,

I needed to write after reading every post that you have written. I feel that I can some how relate to your pain.

On September 19,2004 two weeks after the birth of my daughter (sept 5) my brother in law (20yrs old) was in a major car accident. We recieved a call from my mother (because my son had been in Texas 12 hrs away with them where all of my husband and I family live) saying that my in-laws had called hysterical asking her to come get my son William that there son Derek was taken to a major trama hospital in houston and they had to leave. My mother decided that she should contact us incase they did not think to. My mother at that time did not know the extent of the injuries, but she told me that it sounded very bad.

I then had to load my two week old in the car and go off to get my husband. He was at a dirt bike race track down the road from our home. I got there and told him he had to come home right then. He kept asking me why.. why .. why, I wanted to wait till we got home to tell him but he insisted. I told him that Derek had been in a horrible accident and we needed to get home and see what we needed to do.

The next couple of hours were a whirl wind. My mother arraged flights to houston from GA where we lived. We could not get on a flight out till 1200am we had to pack for us and our new infant. My husband was mad because he wanted to drive to get there faster... But we were already tired with a new baby. We got packed up and friends drove us on to the airport.

This all feels like yesterday, we arrived in Houston at 200 in the morning, I kissed my two week old daughter goodbye and she went to my mothers for pretty much two weeks straight, I probably only saw her for 5 hours during the next two weeks. I do not regret it but I do now miss that time that I was without her.

We left the airport in the car that my mother loaned us and off to my in-laws house we went. I walked in the door and both of my husbands parents were sitting at the kitchen table crying. They told us that they did not expect Derek to live, his kidney had been pulled from the artery supplying all the blood to the lower half of the body, they had to give him 72 units of blood, three times the amount in the body.

They told us that he had already been revived two times. We all just sat in shock. You could all visit the ICU two times a day 10-1030 and 100-200. That was it 1 1/2 hours all day. To make a long story short we visited every day for 8 days. Some days got better then the next was way worse. We talked to him every day, his friends visited, we prayed, we made promises to God. On September 26, they told us that he had suffered a stroke that affected 95% of the right side of his brain. And only 5% used the left side of the brain for anything. We were in shock they procceded to tell us that his Brain would swell and at that time we had to make a decision about wether to leave him on a machine or wether to let him go. At 6:00 September 27,2004 Derek's brain started swelling and we had to turn off the machines. It was the hardest thing that we have every lived through he went from pink to gray in seconds.

To be honest with you it all still seems like a horrible dream. Since then my inlaws have had a very hard time. Yes they have still gone on to do the things that have to be done. But none of this is done with the zest of life that I use to admire in them so much. I wish every day that I could do something to ease the pain that they will always have.

I wish that we had more time with Derek. We had not got to spend good time with him in the five years that we had been in GA. Also if it had not been for him my husband and I would have never met. And I would not have my two wonderful children.

My husband on the other hand has become a very big drinker, he had always drank. But it is now ten times worse (read my other posts and you will know) I just wish there was something that I could do to heal his pain. And to show him all's he is missing in mine and his childrens life.

I am still young and this has hopefully been the hardest thing I will ever go through. I am so sorry for you and Jason and thank you for the log you kept here, Jason was a very awesome strong and inspiring young man. WE both know where Jason went and the joy that he is having there.

Just remember to take it one day at a time, I know you proabably won't believe it but it does get easier, You will never forget it but the pain will turn to wonderful memories and hopes for the future. Take Care, I don't have time to proof read this so I hope it is okay.


Jen

Thank you all for stopping by and leaving messages. That is just so nice of you. It means the world to me. Thank you for caring about us as we are missing Jason so much.

jimmielegs,
Thank your message. I too think that the tears at least for me (possibly for anyone) are a necessary part of grieving. Sometimes I can't stop the tears even when I cry--but sometimes I have to just to be able to talk--I have a hard time crying and talking at the same time. I'm sorry for the loss you have experienced. I guess it is just part of being human that we must go through these times. When we love someone it hurts to lose them.

shygirl22
I am so glad that your cousin is okay now. I know that your aunt and uncle, especially, really all his family and friends went through a lot when your cousin was ill. Sometimes it takes something like this to make you realize just how precious life is. We always have the idea that bad things won't happen to our family, but really they could happen to anyone. Hope that he never has anymore health problems though.

Lyndy27
Thanks for your message and for stopping by.

unusual_blessin
Thanks for your sweet message. We take so much for granted. As mothers we know that our children are growing up way too fast. I was just telling David last night--with some tears--something about how quickly those 18 years (you can hope to keep them at home) go by. We sure need to make the most of the short time we have our children at home. What precious gifts they are--our children and the few years we have them with us.

Goodinheart,
Thank you so much for stopping by and for your message. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother-in-law...and also for what is happening with your husband as a result. I just know that his brother wouldn't want him to be drinking like this. I wish that in honor of his brother that your husband would stop drinking and decide to live the best life he could, be the best husband and dad that he could.

My brother died in a car wreck when I was 16 and he was almost 15 in 1972. His death to me as a teenager was so hard to take and was so confusing. I wanted to make it up to my parents some how, but knowing that I could never be him or really fill his shoes. I thought he was the better person and wondered how it was that he died and I lived. It is so hard to lose someone you love. Somehow we just have to make it through this and I hope that we will be better people for having known the one who is gone now--Jason, my brother, Billy, your brother-in-law... Surely, none of them would want us to destroy our lives because of their deaths.
**************************************** ***********
Tears come unexpectedly at times. I looked up tonight as we were sitting down to supper together. Jason's spot is empty and in my mind I tried to imagine him there eating something he loved, smiling, talking, but I know that he will never be there again. I spoke to Justin today and asked him how he is doing--being the closest in age to Jason and now he is the same age when Jason was diagnosed. He said that he thinks of Jason all the time--thoughts of Jason just come to him. I guess the same as me. As an example, he said that if he fixes a frozen pizza, when it is finished cooking and he is getting it out of the oven, his first thought is that he wants to go to Jason's room and tell him that the pizza is ready and he can have some if he wants it--but Jason's not here anymore. I asked Joshua about how he feels just now and his attitude is different. He thinks of Jason, but not with sadness, because he knows that Jason is in a better place. Sometimes I go awhile without crying and then something just touches my heart and I cry again. I guess that I will be like that for years.

I guess I'd better say good night.
and God bless each of you.

Sometimes I go awhile without crying and then something just touches my heart and I cry again. I guess that I will be like that for years.


Yes, it will be like that for years, mom. The good news is that the times between crying will get longer, and the wonderful happy times will return. I promise.

((((PrayingMom))))

You're always in my thoughts!

So sorry for your loss
Your son is in beautiful heaven now with Jesus and you will see him again one day. He's at peace, I know it's hard to deal with in this life but know he's at peace and always with you. I lost my brother when I was young and I know he's up there with my brother, at peace. God Bless You

Hi Prayingmom; I just wanted to say hello and let you know I am thinking of you. How are Kevin and Sryia--I know things were not going well for them both this week--turn for the worst. How is Richie? I am praying for them and for you and your family.
{{{Prayingmom,}}} I just want to say I'm so sorry you have to suffer through this pain in your life. Losing a child is more than one person should have to bear; it's not natural and it's just not right. I know God makes no mistakes, and He has a reason for everything, but...sometimes....I don't know. It sounds like you and David have raised 4 smart, happy well adjusted and capable, terriffic children. You and your husband sound like wonderful people, and you should be very proud. It's not an easy job.
Please take care of yourself, I know it's tough to think of yourself right now. Just know people out here are thinking of you, and care.
Gina

I just wanted to offer my condolences for the loss of your son. I have prayed for Jason and your entire family for months. I was shocked when I found out about his passing. It took me hrs to get through reading your posts. I had to stop and sob with grief. My heart is broken over your loss. I cannot even imagine how it would be to lose a child and I pray I never will find out. We don't know God's plan. I have an 18 year-old son and he is healthy. God willing he will be able to reach the same dreams your son had. I will continue to pray for Jason and your entire family. I thank you for sharing such a personal time in your life and sharing your family with perfect strangers. May God bless you and your family. I pray your grief will diminish and your fond memories flourish.

Thank you so much for stopping by here, for your prayers for us as we are grieving the loss of our dear son Jason and for the encouraging messages. Thank you also for your prayers for our friends.

I just thought I would post a quick update on Kevin, Sriya and Richie.

Kevin has had a couple of better days. He was concerned about some things at work that he felt only he could take care of, so he worked on his laptop to get them done one day. His parents have gotten here and are with Linda and the kids. He is hardly eating anything at all. I don't know how much longer this can go on, but Linda says they are thankful for every good day.

Sriya has had a very bad week. For her mother it has been the most miserable. Sriya started bleeding from the tumor that is on her leg/hip. It was hard for her mom to clean it. She bled from it all day one day, but the bleeding has stopped. Family and friends had a Christmas party for her this week, but she couldn't really enjoy it. She slept most of the day today. Only awake for an hour. Getting delusional with slurred speech. Her mother said: I don't want to see Sriya suffer anymore but letting go of her is a lot harder than I thought. I lived for Sriya the last 4 years. I never did anything for me and now that she won't be with me anymore in a few days, I am lost and I am not sure what to do with my life anymore. I know time will heal all wounds but until then it's going to be extremely hard to live without her. I cant imagine living in this house without her.

Richie week seemed good, until the end of the week. In fact his dad has been thinking that compared to treatments before this relapse that this has been very easy so far. I think it was Wednesday that he received chemo and all was fine, until late that night when he started having severe pain in his abdomen. It was so very bad that he had to go in to the ER and be looked at and have a CT scan and other tests. They still don't know what caused the problem, perhaps an effect on his bladder by the chemo. The CT appeared to show no shrinkage in the tumor yet, but doctors said the other CT was done several weeks before chemo, so the tumor could have grown and so it actually may have gotten smaller. By morning Richie was feeling better, with only the normal pain. They are having trouble getting their anitnausea meds--the insurance only allows 6 per month and the prescription says that he should take 1 tablet twice a day. His dad is trying to work the problem out.

Sorry I don't have time to post more--I'm up way too late.

God bless you all.

Prayingmom and nonu; Wanted you to know my family prayed for you both on Thanksgiving-comfort and peace for your families and for your loving sons. Please know you are both thought of daily. I know this was an especially difficult time for you both, the first Thanksgiving without your sons here with you. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your family has given you comfort. Good thoughts to you both.

Prayingmom--continued prayers for Kevin, Sryia, Richie and their famillies, as well as Connor's family. How are K,S and R? Any better?
Gina

Hi Everyone,
Sorry I haven't been here all week. We made our annual trip to our parent's houses for Thanksgiving as we will do again at Christmas. It is a 300 mile trip east to the mountains in upper East TN. Needless to say, there were many emotional moments throughout the week. I don't have much time now since I still have clothes to wash and diswasher to load and I need to help the kids with schoolwork, but I did want to let you know how the other families are doing. Kevin is still here. Sometimes they call him the "Hulk". He really is incredible in his efforts to keep on doing things and making memories with his family despite the ravages of this cancer and considering the stress his sweet wife, Linda, is totally amazing (I know she is tired-she keeps trying to stay cheerful). Some of the children put a sports theme Christmas tree in his bedroom. He wanted to go to church on Sunday, but that would have been too much--going from room to room is hard enough, so his dad who is visiting, stayed with him and everyone else went to church. Pray for good days, good memories. It is so hard when you know that the doctors say terminal. How we wish a miracle would occur and the cancer would all just go away and Kevin's health be restored.

Richie's family has been gone. They were able to make a special trip to Disney World in FL over Thanksgiving. The kids missed 3 days of school and his dad wondered if it was for the best, but decided that it was good for them considering the uncertainty of the future. Richie is becoming more tired and he slept more as the week progressed. He will soon begin another 28 day round of chemo and after that more scans will be done to see what the tumor is doing. Pray that the tumor shrinks and he becomes cancerfree again.

I am sad to report though that little Sriya, with her beautiful brown eyes and sweet little face, died on November 22 at 2:45PM. She was in her mother's arms when she breathed her last breath and then just slipped away peacefully after so much suffering. By the end the lump over her eye had grown and prevented the opening of that eye. Pray for peace and comfort for them. Thankful they have family nearby and that helps. I know they are in shock right now. It can hardly seem real that someone you love so very much could just be gone like that.

For me it seemed so unreal even after all that had happened, Jason's life ended--just like that--and he was gone--no more of his smiles, no more of his laughs, no more conversations with him, no more visits from his friends--or if they came it has been just briefly--they were so dedicated to keeping him company and now things are just so different without him. I am still playing some of his music--he liked such a variety of music. Some of the music he played was classical and I have been playing a classical piece with a violin and a piano. I will try to get on here sometime soon and tell you about our trip and how the 300 miles we travel will always be a trip of memories for me. God bless you and your loved ones this holiday season. Hug your children everyday and let each one in your family know without any doubts that you love them unconditionally. Life truly is very fragile and far too short to concentrate on unimportant things.

Thank you so much for visiting and leaving messages. Thank you for praying for us. God saw us through this first Thanksgiving without our Jason. I know your prayers helped. Time just can't be stopped and it keeps moving us farther away from the last time we talked to Jason. In looking at it another way, I guess we are moving closer to a time we will be with him again in heaven. We miss him so much.

We are back from our trip to East Tennessee. It was a hard trip this time, but one we will make as long as we live down here and our parents live up there. Joshua, Jenny and I went up on Sunday night before Thanksgiving and David and Justin drove up on Wednesday. I found a really old bed and a settee for my mom at a yard sale a few weeks ago and I needed to get it to her. The bed is shorter than most beds and had ropes underneath instead of slats. The old mattress for it was made in 1956 special for the short bed. I also took up all of my photo albums from the time Jason was born for family to see, but I had to bring them back with me. With everything in the car, there wouldn’t have been room for our whole family.

The last time we went to East TN was for Jason’s funeral and so this is the first trip without him. It is a trip with 300 miles of memories multiplied many times by many trips in the nine years since we moved away from David’s hometown which was only 30 minutes from my parents. The sadness of our loss of Jason is with me constantly. I guess it is just part of me now. His absence is so painful for me. The front passenger seat was always his by right as first born. When Jason was in the car that was his seat and there are black marks on the dash from when Jason wore black boots that remind me of him now. I could always reach over and pat Jason’s long slender arm and hand as he was sick and we made those many trips to the hospital and look over at his dear face as we traveled. I loved for him to be there beside me. Josh sat beside me on this trip—not my Jason.

I didn’t cry until we reached a spot near Center Hill Dam on I-40 that I will always remember—we had a flat tire there on the interstate several years ago on a hot sunny day. It was just the children and I. No one would stop to help us. I guess the boys looked big enough to change the tire. Right now I’m not sure how old they were, but Jason must have been between 14 and 15—very tall and skinny. I don’t remember why David couldn’t come, but we were going to visit Granny—Jason, Justin, Josh, Jenny and I. We may have been taking Granny to Cades Cove in the Smokey Mtns. None of us even knew how to get the tire out of our Plymouth Voyager and we had to get the instruction manual to learn how to change the tire. Jason took over, read the manual and changed the tire. It took a him a long time and even though he was strong, the lug bolts were very tight—probably machine tightened and it was very hard for Jason to get them loose. He worried the whole way to granny’s about whether he had tightened the bolts enough, but we made it there with no other problems. The whole episode really showed me how mature he had become, how grownup and responsible and able to do difficult tasks. When we got to Granny's I paid him $20 even though he didn't expect it. After I remembered him changing the tire there, I cried off and on the whole trip, remembering different things along the way—the trip to Burgess Falls, just off the interstate the summer before he got sick and the kids wading in the river there in a safe spot above the falls. We also walked to the foot of the falls. Later we roasted hotdogs and had smores at the picnic area. We had so much fun that day. We went on many trips to Fall Creek Falls. The last time was mostly for swimming. Jason climbed all the way to the top of the big hill above the swimming hole—so full of life and energy. We used to stop at the Factory Outlet stores and look for jeans and shirts for the boys when they were small. We usually stopped at Rockwood for gas and to eat because it is halfway and ate at McDonald’s and Jason usually had McNuggets. That was before chemotherapy. Jason’s last meal before the first chemotherapy was McNuggets and he threw them all up. He couldn’t stand McDonald’s after that so we had to go to Taco Bell, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Wendy’s, Subway or Krystal after Jason was on chemo. The Rockwood area holds even more memories for me because I was born near there in Harriman and my dad, an ironworker-welder with TVA, helped build Melton Hill Dam and Kingston Steam Plant. On this trip we didn’t stop at Rockwood. We drove on to the Strawberry Plains exit past Knoxville and got gas and ate there at Krystal’s. For me, it was an attempt to try to do something different so I wouldn’t hurt so much. But then I remembered recently stopping there to eat with our whole family. All through Knoxville I listened to the Delilah show on the radio. People call in and tell her their stories and she plays a pretty sentimental song that is appropriate. I remember listening to her show as I drove through Knoxville, when Jason and Katie and his friends were at the beach early in the summer. I wanted to call in a request for a song for them at the time even though they wouldn’t hear it, but driving in the dark, it was too difficult to dial the number and I would probably have never gotten through. I wanted to call and tell her Jason’s story on Sunday night as we drove up for Thanksgiving, but the number to call was never stated. The thought of telling someone about Jason and our heartbreak, made me cry—just thinking of how I could ever put what we have been through into a few words without sobbing. Josh and Jenny were watching a movie and had headphones on so they didn’t hear me crying and I drove miles and miles in the dark, relatively alone.

I was very tired when we got to my mom’s and went on to sleep. It was already late. I woke up with red puffy eyes on Monday morning, which I have never done. I think that I must have cried—for Jason in my sleep. Oh, how I miss him. On Monday, my mom and I went down to the monument place – to look at the gravestones they have on display and talk about ordering one for Jason. That was quite emotional for me. David and I actually ordered the stone on Friday. It will be beautiful—a highly polished black stone, with a beach scene—a lovely sunset with a young man looking out to sea etched into the stone and then colors added. Jason loved going to the beach. As a family we had several beach vacations and they were Jason's favorite vacations. His stone will have his name and the dates of his life and the words “Loved and missed by all who knew him.” A vase will be attached on the base and will have the words “Beloved son” a ceramic picture of Jason and the reference for the scripture that somehow explained to him his imminent early death “Isaiah 57:1-2.” It won’t be placed on his grave until February because weather gets bad this time of year in the mountains. It even snowed one night while we were there—and the ground was white, but soon melted. In the higher elevations, I am sure that the roads were bad for a while and I would not have risked going over the mountain to Jason’s grave at that time.

On Tuesday night, I dreamed about Jason for the first time, but it wasn’t such a good dream. I dreamed that he somehow woke up after he went into the coma, but he, of course, wasn’t well. A huge lump had grown on his neck as he lay in unconscious and it looked so bad and so painful for him. It was a sad dream. You know that I prayed that he wouldn’t have cancerous lumps appear and grow on his beautiful head and face. I was praying that his face wouldn’t be deformed by cancer before that happened to sweet Sriya. For Jason, as a young man, he wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see him like that.

to be continued---