Hi Marilyn, Lisa & anyone else who has been following my posts,

I am curious as to your thoughts about some emails I received from my husband Tuesday night and again yesterday. As you probably remember, I have not spoken with him since Jan. 21st. He did send me an email with an attachment on the 30th - there was no text of any kind, only the attachment. I didn't respond to it.

Well, yesterday I came to work and signed onto my computer. There was an email sent from him at 9pm the night before. It was actually addressed to each of his parents & he cc'd me on it - he was forwarding one of those banking spam emails to them & mentioned that he doesn't do any online banking & that he's not sure if it's a scam or if they got his email address possibly from a bank account or life insurance policy his parents may have his name on. I didn't respond to it at all. Then later in the morning, I received the same email from him again - the only difference being that this one was sent to his mom only with me cc'd again. I didn't respond to that one either.

What do you guys make of this? Is he playing games or maybe trying to prompt me to contact him? He made sure he cc'd me at both my work and personal email addresses. So strange to me! It's so hard to even guess because with the lack of contact, I have no clue as to what is happening between him and his dr. with the oxycontin. I do know I have never given him any reason to fear calling me, which he has not done, nor has he actually written an email to me. So I guess I'm confused here again. :confused:

Oh - I learned something else totally by accident, too. A friend's daughter works at our local hospital that has a pain mgmt center (the one my husband uses). She told me it's very common for the patients to call the administration office to file a complaint when they are denied their medications due to addiction issues. She told me that often times they get irrate and mention they are going to another local pain mgmt center 'from now on.' She mentioned the name of the other center & I almost fell off my chair. I remember my husband receiving a bill in the mail from that hospital last summer. I asked him about it and he said that he must've picked up his dad's mail along with his own (they have the same name & some of my husband's mail went to their address). I didn't think anything of it at the time...now I really wish I'd have opened that envelope. The writing would have maybe been on the wall a lot sooner for me and maybe things would be on a different, better track with the two of us. She told me they often will go to a second doctor and just pay cash for the visits, etc. That, too, made some sense to me as to why my husband never seemed to want to use the medical card I provided him with after our marriage.

Just thought I'd keep you guys posted. I'm wondering if he received the paperwork in the mail yet from my attorney. I guess I should call to see if/when they were mailed to him. I still lose sleep at night worrying about him and from being so depressed over the way our marriage has turned out. Yet I guess you could say I've also learned to let go a little better than I had been doing - and I owe all of you an enormous THANK YOU for helping me to do that. Love you guys!

Luv,
Scared Wife

Scared Wife, I guess IMO he is sending you these emails in an attempt to get you to make the first move. I would stay strong and not respond until he either calls you or sends you a typed and more direct email. Of course depending on what the email says then i would decide whether or not to reply. I know, It's very very hard to go through this. Like i said before, i have already had to deal with this sort of situation with my first husband. Oh....never again would i go through all that and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. I am soooooooooo sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. As much as it hurts, trust me, you are doing the right thing. You deserve so much more. Like we have all said, he is the only one who can make the decision to stop taking the pills. With addiction so many case scenarios can happen, he can make the decision to quit, his addiction could escalate to BIGGER drugs, he could end up in jail or even end up dead. You just never know. You are such a very very sweet person, i hope and pray that all works out well for you and all the pain you are feeling quickly subsides. I just know that your forever perfect soulmate is out there just waiting for you!!!!
Oh yeah, i do follow every single one of your posts and i wanted to tell you how absolutely wonderful your father must have been, and your mother sounds just darling. You are so lucky to have been raised by them. Knowing what you have posted about your parents, that is also how i know that they have raised one extrordinary woman...........you!

Hugs, Wendy

TGIF Scaredwife.....It is o.k. just ignore those emails. He is trying every angle, in my opinion, to get your attention. If he really wanted to "talk" to you of something really important- wouldn't he try to contact you by phone or try to see you face to face. Don't cave, you have been doing really well. I am proud of you, how you are going on and functioning thru-out this ordeal of his. The only way i would speak to him would be if i had PROOF that he just did a stay at a rehab. Oxy is nothing to joke about, if the doctor HAS shut him off, then i can bet my life that he is getting them from other sources. He is just still trying to get your attention and it worked, for a few minutes anyway. Be strong and get on with your life, like you have been. You have went thru the worst already....your b-day, valentine's day.....where was he then??? Just worry about you and the kids. He is just gonna start all the lies and bull-crap all over again if you make contact. You are doing the right thing. post back to me soon....i am really worried about you.
I am here for you....i will check back frequently today.
love,
LISA

Hi Scared Wife,
I tend to agree with Wendy.......I think hes making it look unintentional and not wanting you to forget that he's out there he sneakily adds you to the CC line hoping that maybe you will contact him to see what his deal is. Stand your ground..........I feel like he's playing games at this point and we know how you feel about him but I think right now he is unsure about exactly how you do feel. You've stayed strong and haven't made contact and that has to be bugging him..........he may think you've really had it this time and are absolutely done.........and thats a good thing maybe he will realize that he can't talk to you any old way and you'll still be there for him.
I read over this and I get concerned that I might be saying all the wrong stuff, but then I rethink things and I believe that you have made yourself stay pretty objective about all this and even though you do care a great deal for him you've kept a good head about it all. I get scared that I'm gonna say something to sway you the wrong way and I certainly don't want to do that so just take what I say with a grain of salt.......as I'm sure you already do. Thats where my asking you to keep an open heart comes in, maybe someday it's going to register with him that you are the one person out there who actually does care. I'll continue to send good thoughts and keep the both of you in my prayers.
Have a good day.....and I will check with you this evening.....I didn't sleep well last night and think I'm going to take a nap
Love,
Marilyn

Hi Wendy, Lisa & Marilyn,

Thanks so much for responding. These emails from him often leave me puzzled, not to mention tempted. So I'm glad that you agree I should continue to not respond to them. It sure is hard sometimes and when I get the urge or temptation to respond somehow, I think of the cruel mental abuse and lies he has dished out to me. I guess it sort of helps me keep my 'attitude' so that I don't pick up the phone or jot a few lines back to him.

I was a little surprised that he would give me access to each of his parents' email addresses and give them access to mine. Thought he'd be a little paranoid that I might contact them directly or vice versa to discuss what's been going on. As my friend told me last night, she said he could even be 'testing' me again (he's notorious for that) - or them - to see if we do contact each other. I have no intention of dragging them into our problems, but I do know how his mind works (sometimes LOL).

Wendy, before I forget, thanks so much for the wonderful compliments about my parents and myself. I don't always feel like such a great, strong woman at times. However, another thing that helps to keep me going is knowing that my dad would never expect me to hang around anyone who's treated me the way my husband has. In all honesty, I think he'd be a bit disappointed in me for tolerating it as long as I have - and for tolerating the attacks on my mom & the rest of my family.

I agree with you, Lisa. If my husband really wanted to talk to me, my cell phone has continued to be on 24/7. He never had a reluctance to call in the past (so why now?). He has yet to send any sort of email with any dialogue in it either. I'm too old to play these games and life is just way to short. I'd love to know how things are going for him, not just with the oxy but with his business and anything else as well. Just so I could know whether or not he's ok. I refuse to take the first step this time though. I've always done so in the past even though I'd never done anything wrong so I'm weary of crawling back like a whipped dog. I'm trying to keep a wise head on my shoulders AND an open heart. I really am.

Sorry I wasn't online last night. I guess I'm still 'hiding' from him on the computer in the evenings - I get angry with myself for doing that, too. Because I've got no reason to hide or anything - yet I just don't feel up to having any online conversations with him and his sharp tongue. Maybe this weekend, I'll work up the nerve and sign on.

Then my attorney either goofed up or I'm a dingbat. I remember specifically telling her on the 2nd that I really preferred not to have any contact with my husband unless if it was absolutely necessary. I got an envelope in the mail from her today with the financial form that HE needs to fill out. I thought we'd agreed that she would mail it to him directly with a cover letter. So I need to call her office this morning to find out if I was under the wrong impression or if they made a mistake. I did tell her about the behavior I encountered with him last month and how mentally abusive he's been. Not sure if she's forgetful about the matter or what. What a mess!

Thanks again, all of you, for your continued support. You don't know how much it means to me and how much it has helped me to stay strong & keep my chin up. I hope all of you are doing well these days. Have a wonderful weekend (we're getting more snow here in Northeastern Ohio - ugh!) and I look forward to chatting with you during the weekend.

Luv,
Scared Wife

Hi SWife,

I've just got a minute, but wanted to chime in real quick...will be able to write more later. I agree with everyone here that this is a mind-game he's doing, and when it comes to spousal mental abuse, Lisa knows what of she speaks, as do the rest of the ladies here who have endured similar situations as you are going through. You have been trusting your gut and it's proven you right each time now, so don't start self-doubting anything you are doing--you are handling this situation so very well--many would not be so strong and determined to not start playing the role of the codependent wife right now. And the surprising thing of that usually is that they don't know they're being codependent! You know you aren't responsible for his actions or his feelings. He has to change, and you know you can't change him. Please continue to keep your priorities where they are...right on target!

One more quick thing before I have to go, but do you think it's possible that the reason he only put you on the e-mails as a "cc" rather than sending them directly to you is because he's doing something akin to being passive-aggressive like trying to say something like "you aren't important enough for me to contact directly," or on a different note, like it's a way to say "I still want you to know I'm here and in your life whether you like it or not." I mean, why even bother to inform you of this situation (it seems minor and not relative to you...unless I missed something?), and then why do it the way he did...send e-mails to his parents and copy you with them? That serves 4 purposes that I can see: 1) He has made you aware he is still around, and 2) He doesn't have anything to say "directly" to you, 3) His parents are aware that you two are apart (but maybe that's not "new" news?) and 4) He got you kind of "stirred up" emotionally, which I think under the current circumstances is rather cruel on his part...does he know that by him doing something even this small might be enough to mess with your emotions and your mind a little bit, and he's trying to kind of knock you off balance a little? Especially with legalities about to begin?

I don't know, but I'd be very cautious right now and not let anything knock you off your guard. I've been through a divorce, and they can get ugly...things happen and are said that you can be absolutely blindsided by. Be careful and truly, I do think you need to stay strong and not allow yourself to be drawn into a slow-building, premeditated mind game, which is what this email thing seems like to me--and if I'm right, trust me, there will be more contact and most likely on a larger scale. He might be trying to "trip you up," or just pester you. He hasn't done anything "nice," so to me, this means nothing more than a "hey, I'm still out here...and I'm going to mess with your head slowly and surely."

I know I'm more paranoid than most, but I say these things to you because of my addiction and my knowledge of what those who are in full-blown addiction do when they feel they've lost control. I am so different now that I am in treatment, and I literally cringe at some of the games I played when involved in relationships! I mean, these are things I can't even ever imagine doing to someone now...I could never be that way again, and I'm so happy for what I've gained by getting off these pills. It was as if I had no conscience sometimes, and I feel very bad about all of it. I have done my best (and continue to do so every chance I get) to make amends to those I've wronged while I was at my lowest and worst place in my addiction. Everyone I've spoken to and apologized to has been wonderfully understanding, which made me feel so very good and helped me to further know that I am doing the right thing. Some I've apologized to have said they suspected something was wrong with me but didn't know what it was and were clueless that it could be addiction; yet some very close to me (my sister who was in your similar situation for example) said she knew I was an addict of some sort, but didn't know what. Anyway, not to digress about me, but what I'm trying to get at is that when I made my amends, I was in treatment and had been off the pills for five months, so I fear that if he's in active addiction, anything he says to you while "sick" is not really him talking nor is it to be trusted...drugs make you say and do foolish, selfish, and often times very cruel and uncaring things to people. You don't need me to tell you that, though! But an apology and an explanation for all of this AFTER he's been in some kind of treatment can mean a whole lot and might make a difference to you then, so wait it out and keep taking good care of yourself and your kids...you are absolutely doing the right thing, and I know you are hurting, but trust me, he's not "right or healthy" at this point, and he's grasping at tiny straws that I fear may turn into bigger ones.

Take care, and don't let this out-of-the-blue emails blindside you or detract you from what you know to be the right direction in which you are going.

All my best,
Dallas Alice

p.s. So much for a quick note, eh?! LOL...ask anyone here, I can never do less than a long diatribe! :)

[QUOTE=Scared Wife]Hi Marilyn, Lisa & anyone else who has been following my posts,

Hi SW,
I have also been following yr posts and I will say one thing....as an OLE lady here lol..KEEP YOUR GUARD UP. You have been doing great and do NOT mush up. DalAl is right.........you have been shown no mercy/love/concern/compassion by this man so don't assume he is feeling those things. I am 53 and have known a few men (oh boy could I tell stories)
so please, for your heart's sake keep up the good work and be wary and watchful..........it shall pay off.
Sparkles

Hi Dallas Alice & Sparkles,

Thanks for the notes of encouragement. It helps me so much to hear that all of you share my opinion - that these emails are nothing more than another headgame. My family has also said the same thing - that he is trying to lure me into contacting him over them. I'm not going to do it though. As tempting as it is, I cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore. Even an apology would be questionable to me after all of the other untruths I've heard from him.

I'm not fully aware of how much his parents know about our separation. I have no doubt that he has lied to them as well and made me out to be the horrible, neglectful, untrustworthy wife - the same things he tried so hard to convince ME about myself. And I understand that since he is their son, of course they are going to believe him because they love him. They didn't live with us or spend any time with us - and I think he did a pretty good (intentional) job of keeping us all segregated so that there'd be no accidental discoveries of any discrepancies between what he told me and what he told them about any given matter. My mom and sister have been a little surprised that his mom hasn't contacted me just to say, "Gee, we're upset that you two are having problems. What's going on? Can we do anything to help?" Not that they really could help all that much, but it would've been nice to feel that they cared about both of us as a couple. Oh well - easy come, easy go. :)

My husband has shown a lot in the way of the passive-aggressive behavior. The psychologist told me that this is very common among patients with borderline personality disorder. They, too, will manipulate and make unrealistic demands on their loved ones. This is why I've been keeping my distance from him - to avoid him chiseling away at me mentally or even possibly becoming physically violent, especially if other areas of his life are crumbling AND if his dr. is continuing to step him down off the oxy. Everyone has a breaking point and I'm not going to be the one who's there when he hits his. He has never been physically abusive in the past but there's a first time for everything. Especially when I see, hear and feel the resentment he has towards me for EVERYTHING.

You know, I remember when we first became engaged. He'd told me his mom was upset over it because she didn't feel he was ready, etc., etc. He claimed to have had a fight with her over the conversation. She called me one night and talked to me about him. While she congratulated me at the beginning of the call, she did begin to express some concerns she had. She told me she didn't feel that he was ready for marriage (but didn't exactly say why), told me that he is a habitual liar who seems to really believe his own lies, that he sold his pills in order to pay his bills, that he was into drugs and was always into trouble as a teenager, so much so that they had to kick him out when he was 16. She mentioned that she'd discover expensive jewelry missing and once found a bunch of women's purses in his room. It took a couple of days, but I finally talked to him about these troubling concerns his mom had. He made her out to be this terrible, malicious liar due to her drug addiction, etc. I guess I didn't help much by thinking she was a mother who was reluctant to see her little boy grow up and get married. Boy, do I kick myself now for not inviting her to lunch and talking further. I now feel the woman was trying to be honest and forewarn me about her own son. She'd even said to me, "You seem like such a good, sweet person. But I don't think you know this side of my son...." I really feel like I owe her an apology and hope I one day get the opportunity to do just that with her. She was trying to be my friend, not my enemy - and I feel so terrible every time I think of it.

Furthermore, this only tells me something else about my husband. Anyone who could so blatantly & cruelly lie about his own mother & destroy his own mother's credibility (someone he claims to 'love' so much) certainly isn't going to treat his wife any differently or better. That was a hard pill to swallow, but I've swallowed it finally. Along with the fact that everything this woman has told me has little by little proven to be TRUE. God, I feel awful for not talking further with her. Boy, am I angry that he could do that to his own mother, too. So disrespectful. He even made her apologize to me - in spite of me telling him repeatedly to just let the matter drop because I didn't want her to be embarrassed at all. "Let's just forget it," I'd said. I didn't want to hurt her even if she was being mean or resentful towards me at the time. To know that he would lie about her just to continue to carry on a false image of himself just sickens me down to the pit of my stomach. She was the first one to tell me he never owned that duplex and neither did they. I thought maybe due to her drug problem, she either just didn't remember it or maybe his dad had kept her out of the loop or something. I'm so ashamed for distancing myself from someone who really seemed to be trying to befriend me and look out for my best interests. Maybe once this whole matter is over, I will send her a personal note of some sort. I don't know what the right way would be to handle that.

So this is what I intend to do. I'm going to make a list of all the hurtful things my husband has said or done to me (& his mom) as well as all the lies I've caught him in. I'm going to keep it in my purse all the time. That way, when I feel myself getting weak in any way or just 'soft', I'm going to read that list to get myself mad again. LOL It'll definitely due the trick. One day, when I'm given the opportunity, I'll pull the list out and hand it to him, too - just so he can know that he didn't pull the game off as well as he thought he did. Think this is a good idea, Ladies? I can't help the resentment I feel, especially after he screamed at me how he had to lie to his parents about me to preserve my image with them. Ooohhh do I stew over that remark and many more like it.

In the meantime, I promise to keep my guard up at all times. The only socializing I do is going to a girlfriend's to watch a movie, to NA meetings with my friend & her daughter or to my weekly primitive rug hooking class. I'm not out in any bars, nor do I intend to be. I do check my rearview mirror often and a couple of the guys at work walk out with me each night because they, too, can't help but wonder if he'll snap at some point & do something stupid. So I am being careful - and if I get trapped into any dialogue with him somehow sometime before the papers get signed, I will keep it as short and brief as possible.

So thanks again, girlfriends, for being there for me. And Marilyn, do not fear saying anything that would sway my mind in any given way. I do respect your opinions and advice. I'm open minded and I try to be objective all the way around. Don't be nervous about anything you say to me, OK? I'd never want you to feel that way.

I look forward to chatting with all of you over the weekend. Take care and have a great day. It's Friday!!! :bouncing:

Luv,
Scared Wife