This may be triggering- discussion of calories/weight-

Well, I'm relapsing after three years of recovery. :( I've never been able to lose weight the "right" way. I was severly triggered over the holidays when family members commented on how I've "gotten big." I was only 141 lbs at 5'4". My ED started b/c of RIDICULE from my family and peers. My grandmother once said that I would "come home crying" when I'm in high school, because I would be so fat (she was telling me this at age 10). I did come home and cry alone in my room, but b/c I was suffering from anorexia...

When I was young, every time I would eat ANYTHING I was told that I shouldn't, b/c I was getting fat/it was fattening. When I stopped eating, and was depressed, they "couldn't understand WHY." Here I am, 20 years old, obsessed with how Fat I Feel that I am. I tried going on a normal diet, but I kept decreasing the calories, and now I feel horrible if I go over 800. I've lost 20 lbs in 4 weeks- I'm exhausted, dizzy, and my chest hurts, but I don't want to stop. :eek: What's even worse is that my mom is coming to visit next week (I'm away at college), and I'm going to have to eat normal, and just feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Anyway, I guess I'm just posting this to get it out, thanks for reading...

~Nova

Hey Nova

First of all, congratulations on sticking with your recovery for three years. That is an achievement in itself!! Relapses are pretty much inevitable, it's how you deal with them that matter. You can either sink back into your old ways of anorexia (the easy option) or you can realise that for the last three years you've probably been a lot happier and more confident, had more energy and generally felt a lot better about yourself, and you can kick your relapse in the head and continue with your recovery.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to hear such heartless words from your family. The thing is, like you said, you're only 141lbs! Which, as you know, is not fat for someone of your height. If you were happy at that weight, it doesn't matter what other people say to you. It's how you feel that really matters. I know that's hard to see right now, but if you're constantly trying to please other people then you will never be happy, because you can't please all of the people all of the time. (Or with some people, you can never please them :))

Did you have any professional help before with your recovery? If you did I suggest you go back to them and let them help you to get back on track. There is more to life than being skin and bones - don't let other people's comments and insecurities take away your recovery and your happiness.

Hugs,
J*L xxx

Hey Juicy,

I started to recover b/c of my boyfriend (now fiance). I didn't get any professional help, but he was the biggest support I could ask for. You're right, when I was recovered I was Much happier, had more energy, and I had practically forgotten about my food issues. However, in the back of my mind, I knew that if I ever got "fat" I would probably turn back to my ED.

We didn't have a scale in the house, so when I visited my mom, and weighed myself (I do every time I'm down there) I was floored. I have never been so heavy in my life! I could have dealt with just that, but then my mom pointed out that I was heavier, and my grandmother called me big/huge.... It triggered me to start thinking I was fat and disgusting again. I don't think I'm doing it to please anyone, actually they're not pleased at all when I'm skinny- they get "worried." I think I'm doing it b/c my practically nonexistant self esteem has been crushed. After they pointed out that I'd gotten "big" I just kept worrying what everyone else thought- like at work, if I walked by a group of people, I'd wonder if they were saying how I've gained weight...

What's the dumbest part is that my mom is the one who made me gain the weight- every time I'm visiting, all she does is feed me, A LOT (not b/c I'm skinny, but b/c she's got issues with equating food with love). I'd end up eating probably 3500 calories or more a day when I'm down there. I also don't think I could ever go for professional help, because the couple times I went to a guidance counselor in high school were Horrible. I don't know what I'm going to do. I really just want to continue this until I lose 10 more pounds... Sorry this is so long! :rolleyes: Thank you for the kind words :D

~Nova

Hey Nova

Your story kinda sounds like mine...I'm 20 now and developed anorexia at the age of 11. I started to recover at 18 when I met my boyfriend, who I'm still with now and who is the most important part of my life. It's been hard though, over the last 6 months or so, because things have changed a lot and it's difficult not to go back to old coping strategies. I have never really had rofessional intervention either - the one time I went to a psychotherapist she told me I didn't have an eating disorder and simply had 'confidence issues' (that earned her a stinking letter from my GP, I can tell you). So I understand why you may not want professional help.

Your fiance sounds like a wonderful man, and it sounds as though he really has helped you a lot. I know what a big difference it makes, because I can't imagine where I'd be now without the support of my boyfriend. The two of you have worked together and have achieved so much - please don't let comments from your family reverse all the work you've done. It's hard to understand why people do and say the things they do, but one thing I do about mothers and food is that the main point of motherhood is to provide for and feed your child. You are still your mother's daughter and she feels that she has to feed you because it's her duty - she also probably feels she has a lot of making up to do from the time when you wouldn't eat. Talk to her about this if you feel you can and say that you love coming to visit but you find it difficult having great amount of food pushed on you. Explain how you and your fiance have worked to improve your attitude towards food and how you would find smaller meals easier to handle, or whatever.

Being skinny is not all it's cut out to be - we are living proof of that! You say that you feel much better when you're not starving and restricting like mad, and remember that this is the best way to be. Your body will find a weight that it's happy at if you let it. It doesn't matter what other people say or think, what matters is that you are happy and healthy. I bet your fiance hasn't complained now that you're no longer a tired, weak, skinny woman! He loves you for who you are inside as well as out; talk to him about how you're feeling and together the two of you can get back on track. You've done it once before so you know that if you work together, you can do it again.

Big hugs,

Juicy xxx

What's the dumbest part is that my mom is the one who made me gain the weight- every time I'm visiting, all she does is feed me, A LOT (not b/c I'm skinny, but b/c she's got issues with equating food with love). I'd end up eating probably 3500 calories or more a day when I'm down there. I also don't think I could ever go for professional help, because the couple times I went to a guidance counselor in high school were Horrible. I don't know what I'm going to do. I really just want to continue this until I lose 10 more pounds... Sorry this is so long! :rolleyes: Thank you for the kind words :D

~Nova

I go through the same thing with my sister. Sometimes I restrict all week just so I'll be able to eat with her. She's constantly trying to feed me. I think she's trying to keep me big while she loses weight. The sad thing is that the more she feeds me the more laxatives I take. :nono:

hey girls...i know if ppl try to force u to eat it can be very irritating, but my counsellor said if u dont feel comfortable, dont do it. and do ur loved ones really call u guys fat? i mean, thats one of the worst things and i am sorry to hear that! just keep strong and love urself for who U are...not what others think!:)


Sammyx0x0x

Thanks for the replies- you girls are so supportive and sweet :) I definitely can't talk to my mom about my food issues, she thinks what I went through was a phase (and that it's been over for seven years). She tried to "solve" the problem by just feeding me, and acted like I was this sick disgrace, and I should just get over it. So saying "you're not fat, now eat" is going to fix everything. :rolleyes:

Juicy, it's great that your boyfriend is so supportive. My fiance is not as supportive as he used to be. He thinks that I don't have a problem anymore, and that I'm on a diet- even though I told him how depressed I am about my body. :confused:

Sammy- people can be cruel sometimes, even family members. They think by criticizing, that they will prompt you into changing. Little do they know, that they can scar you for life b/c their opinion is the one that matters most. :( I remeber the first day I was made fun of at school for being fat (kids are so CRUEL), when I came home and cried to my mom, she "suggested" that I go on a diet, instead of telling me that I'm beautiful. I never told her about the teasing again...

Thanks again Girls :)
~Nova

omg. that is harsh, i am so sorry to hear that.:( i mean, i was always a fat kid 2. but my whole family is. well, my mom is tall and skinny, but my dad is short and stubby and likes to cook (u know, loads things with butter, sauce, blaa blaa) lol, neways and all three of us girls got his physique. well, i wouldnt say my fam is real active either. none of my sisters were into sports and all they did was sit and watch tv or read. me on the other hand liked running around and playing sports. i was still big until ppl just kept commenting on how big i was so i became depressed and became bulimic. when i started eating less my rents were very conserned. it would be my moms dream to see me eat a burger from mcdonalds, or me actually eating white bread. but i wouldnt touch those things if my life dpended on it.

but remember, u are beautiful no matter what neone says to u!:)

SammYx0x0x

I have an aunt that used to always tell me and my sister that we've gotten "big'. She never told my brothers that though. It's hard to hear something like that when you're a child. I mean, I hated my aunt for saying that every time she saw us. That's a permanent scar that I just can't seem to get away from. It amazes me how people can tear your self esteem down and not even really realize it or just simply don't care. :nono:

I know how you feel. Why do people say stuff like that anyway??? As if we couldn't tell by ourselves that we've gained weight- we need people to point it out and make us feel ugly and horrible!!! I used to swim in an uncle's pool, and when I was young he would say in front of everyone, "hey you're getting chubby!" :o

~Nova

So true. People just don't think sometimes before they blurt things out. I ran into a friend recently who I hadn't seen in a while and (right away) she says, "You've gained weight." Well, you don't have to tell me I look great if you really don't think I do, so don't comment on my body at all! :nono:

People don't realize how much their comments can hurt. :eek:

So many people don't understand eating disorders that they'll come out with these comments without knowing or considering the consequences. For a lot of people, gaining weight is not necessarily a bad thing as we all know that skinny does not equal healthy. And really it’s only in our generation that the global obsession with weight has really taken off, so older generations won’t even consider that saying someone has gained weight could have such devastating consequences. These comments can be especially hard to hear when they come from family or friends. I guess you could always try answering with ‘and so have you’ if someone says you’ve gained, and see how they like it!!! There are so many reasons why people would say something like this without meaning ‘you’ve gotten fat’…jealousy for one. Putting other people down just to big themselves up. If they know you have an eating disorder they might use it as encouragement, you know: ‘you’ve gained weight’ as in ‘you’re looking healthier and better’. It isn’t always meant as a negative comment. And other people’s observations aren’t always accurate.

I am incapable of posting short posts…but I hope that sometimes my ramblings help or at least make some sense. Nova – if you don’t think your fiancé is as supportive as he used to be, talk to him about what’s going on and how you’re feeling. He’s bound to notice if something isn’t quite right. Explain that you need his support to get through this and that you’re having a tough time right now. He won’t abandon you just because you ask for his help. Don’t pitch is as ‘you haven’t been supporting me enough’ or anything, just say that right now things are hard for you and you want to talk it through with him, to include him with it not shut him out, and for him to help you through it. He will appreciate your honesty and will want to support you, but sometimes we forget that our partners aren’t mind readers and if we don’t talk about how we’re feeling how are they supposed to know and help us?

Right – end of ramble. Hope all you girlies are doing okay and those in the UK are enjoying the snow! Wahoo!!
Juicy xxx

Hey Juicy,

I haven't had much time to go on the boards since my mom is visiting :rolleyes: it's been kind of hectic. Anyway, I did talk to my fiance about it, and he is being more supportive- I basically just told him how depressed I've been, and he did everything he could to cheer me up about myself :) . I'm just hoping that after she leaves, I don't weigh 10 lbs heavier- I don't know if I could handle that!!! Well I have to get going, but thanks again for your advice :D

~Nova