Hi everyone
im new to this board my therapist told me to find something like this where i can let all my feelings out, it is so hard.

My story is, i was nine months pregnant and i wanted to go shopping for a new swimsuit i just had to go i wanted to swim with my 13month old daughter, well i was in a terable car accident and my son died inside of me, i feel so bad for getting in the car that day over somthing so foolish. what was i thinking it has been five years now and i still cry alot about him, woundering if he will ever forgive me, he never even got to see my face or here my voice, i had alot of things wrong with me, i had to learn how to walk and eat and everything all over again, and when i dream about that day i remember handing him to the nurse like i didnt even care i forgot to say all the things i should of said, i was so drugged up,

i just dont know how to get past this anymore, i lay and cry all the time and im on so many meds to help but they dont, i have had fourteen surgeries from the accident, and still more to come, i just wish that it was me and not him, i was supposed to keep him safe inside of me, that is why god made woman the child bairers, he knew that we could do it and i faild him and my son, i hurt so bad,

well i guess i better go for now, cant really see the screan anymore, if anyone could talk to me i would really apreciate it alot

amanda

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Please don't feel like it is your fault! I know that is so hard to do when something like this happens. This board is a very helpful place. There are a lot of caring people here. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Amanda, this is such a terrible thing to happen and my heart goes out to you. But you can't keep blaming yourself. This was an accident you didn't know it was going to happen. We all get in our cars everyday and we never know what might happen.

How is your daughter? You said she was 13 months at the time, so she must be about 6 years old now.

You don't think you're a strong person, but I think you are. You got thru all those surgeries, you learned how to walk, eat and do everything all over. You have to be very strong willed in order to do all of that.

Amanda. Please don,t blame yourself for the death of your son. Everyday we leave owr homes whether it be walking, by car, by plane and we then have no control over what happens, we could be in an accident any place any time. If we had insight to everything that would happen to us each day then we could could make choices and avoid accidents. There was no way you could have known what was going to happen, it was an accident, and I,m sure if your son could speak to you now he would tell you there no way you could blme yourself for this and i,m sure he would not want you to beat yourself up over something you could not control. Use this sight to vent and heal, it,s a good place to get all your pent up feeling out, youneed to heal mentally and still physically, for yourself and for your daughter. Sandra

It's not your fault. You didn't know that terrible thing was going to happen. My heart truly goes out to you. Please move on, you have a six year old daughter and she needs you too. Just remeber one day you will see him in heaven. It really wasn't your fault. Good luck.

I am sorry for your loss...please don't blame yourself. You could have never guessed this was going to happen. Unfortunately we cannot predict the future and this was something you had no control over. You have come along way with everything you have gone through. You are a strong person and continue the therapy and coming to these boards for support.... Your son is a precious little angel watching over you.

amanda, there is a hole in your heart that only God can fill..our lives are so temporary--we all will be gone from here one day..but that doesn't help with your aching for the loss of your son right now..but faith in God and knowing that his promise is eternal life to those who put their faith in him, that is where your hope for the future lies..a young mom from our area just lost her baby to a genetic disease..and her faith is what is keeping her going, someday she will hold her and be with her again..She trusts in the promise and she can move on. She grieves still, but has hope for the future. It is easy to say "what if" but the truth is, you may have been home and fallen down the stairs instead. No one knows why things happen when they do. And going to the store to get something, no matter how frivolous it may seem later on, that isn't a bad thing..Drinking and driving would have been a bad choice. Shopping wasn't..It is good to be getting counseling but if you haven't already done so, you can find a church and have a talk with a caring pastor you may have a whole new light shine on you .,
I wish you the best..

Hi everyone
im new to this board my therapist told me to find something like this where i can let all my feelings out, it is so hard.

My story is, i was nine months pregnant and i wanted to go shopping for a new swimsuit i just had to go i wanted to swim with my 13month old daughter, well i was in a terable car accident and my son died inside of me, i feel so bad for getting in the car that day over somthing so foolish. what was i thinking it has been five years now and i still cry alot about him, woundering if he will ever forgive me, he never even got to see my face or here my voice, i had alot of things wrong with me, i had to learn how to walk and eat and everything all over again, and when i dream about that day i remember handing him to the nurse like i didnt even care i forgot to say all the things i should of said, i was so drugged up,

i just dont know how to get past this anymore, i lay and cry all the time and im on so many meds to help but they dont, i have had fourteen surgeries from the accident, and still more to come, i just wish that it was me and not him, i was supposed to keep him safe inside of me, that is why god made woman the child bairers, he knew that we could do it and i faild him and my son, i hurt so bad,

well i guess i better go for now, cant really see the screan anymore, if anyone could talk to me i would really apreciate it alot

amanda
Hi Amanda,
I am so sorry for your loss. You can't blame yourself anymore. It was not your fault. I don't know why this happened to you but your son is in heaven. You will be able to see him one day.

You were in shock and like you said all drugged up when you were holding him. He knows that you love him and miss him. He does not want his mother to suffer for something that is not your fault.

I know it is very difficult for you but you are a strong person. Please don't continue to blame yourself for something that you had no control over.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Wishing you well,
Sam :angel:

hi,
i just want to thank you all for making me feel better, but i still dont think that i can say it aint my fault, i didnt ware a seatbelt or anything, i just dont know how to get passed this, 4 months after i had the accident i got pregnant again to replace him, and now i have twin boys who will be five, and i just feel so awful cause now im not so nice to them cause they arent what i was looking for i want my son back, i have bipolar disease to and that makes it hard for me to keep feelings at a medium, if you know anything about the disease you will understand what i just said, i just feel there should of been something i could of done, i should of done more,
i just want this empty aching in my heart to dissapear so badly,
well making my self upset again so untill next time tc all,
amanda

Hi Amanda, I some times blame myself for my sons death, I keep telling myself I should have spent more time teaching him how to drive. But He was a good driver. I don't know why God called him home at 16, But I'm sure going to ask him when I get to Heaven. Before he died we had taken him to the Doctor because he had broke out some wierd spots on his feet, The doctor had him check for lukemeua ( sorry can't Spell ). anyway I feel that God may have been saving us and him from something we could not bare to go thru. He is a Merciful God, Your son brought alot of people to know God and because we know he is in heaven just as my son is we have to trust God in what he is doing for us here. My prayers are with you. :angel:

You are not the only person this has happened to and it is not your fault. My husbands grandmother was pregnant with her son and she went into labor. Her husband (a doctor) was at work and called an ambulance to bring her to the hospital. The ambulance was in a horrible crash and the baby died. They experienced the same emotions. Time heals. It isn't suprising the twins have not taken his place because experts say when you lose a child don't try to get pregnant again until you have recovered emotionally or negative energy may be chanelled at the child. It sounds like you are dealing with this right now. Was the accident your fault. I have been in a serious accident that was my fault and even though I was wearing a seatbelt I think if I were pregnant the baby would have been hurt. Please don't blame yourself. And I suggest you pray about this cause I always feel much better when I pray especially being very upset.

no the accident was not my fault it was the other ladies, and my husband was driving my car, i was not wearing my seatbelt, but they said that if i had it on that i would have died also, so i guess that was a good thing, i didnt get pregnant with the twins right away i was pregnant two months after my accident and was still in a wheelchair i just wanted that feeling again i guess, and my body still felt pregnant to me, and then i ended up with two by the following summer, so i never got to grieve over my son cause i had a two year old and newborn twins to care for and i just put it all aside and now that i have more time to myself when there in school i just sit and cry and at night it seems that is all i think about and the other kids make me mad, i just want all these feelings to go away, and to know that he really is resting in peace, i just wish i could get a sign, i know that people say that he is but im his mother i have a different outlook on it i guess, well i guess i better go for now, the twins are out of control, so untill next time, tc and you are all in my prayers

:angel: god im so sorry to hear about what happend and i know it wont make any diffrence if i tell you not to blame your self cause your going to anyway you really shouldnt be bottleing all of this up its not right for you to be going through this do you have a partner who grieves with you and helps you with your struggles? you really shouldnt blame your self you have no control over society what will happen will happen and remember after every dark night theres a bright day you will see him again and intill that day you need to live your life and enjoy the time you have for your daugther anytime you need a chat im hear please take care look after your self and your loved ones godbless :angel:

hbtcrew,

First, you mustn't treat your twin boys badly. It isn't thier fault either that you lost the other son, now is it? They are innocent children. My best suggestion to you is that you read some books on spirituality. Sylvia Browne would be great to start with. Whether you believe in reincarnation or not, it is a fact...... just takes some research and reading on your part to enlighten yourelf. Did you know that everything is meant to happen? There is a reason for everything. There are no 'accidents' on this earth. Perhaps the son you lost is one of the twins now. Even if he is not - he knows what you are going through. He did not die. He is on the other side with loved ones. Nothing ever goes away - it just changes form. Read Shirley Maclaines "Out On A Limb". It will help prepare you for more reading. If you truely want to get past this, then you will not scoff at these suggestions and keep an open mind. Please keep us informed. We all care.

Marlena

Oh honey I am so sorry, grieving is natural though and especially for your child. If you kept that grief all bottled up inside for so long it's no wonder you are upset now. We can delay grieving sometimes but eventually we have to deal with our feelings. Keep talking to your therapist, having someone to talk to is probably the best thing for a grieving person.

I don't think that was your fault. You didn't know if you were going to be in an accident. Noone knows if they are or not. Don't fault yourself about that because that was something that was out of your hands. Just enjoy your other baby and thank god that it wasn't both children...

Amanda,
I'm glad you started this thread. I hope it's helping you, and you've probably helped others too. I'm glad you're seeing your therapist and taking needed medications. While grieving is normal, wanting to punish yourself or your kids is not healthy, and becoming too depressed is dangerous. I haven't stood in your shoes, and can only imagine how hard it must be to make sense of something that really doesn't make sense. Blaming yourself doesn't make sense either. Whatever you did or didn't do did not cause the accident. We have precious little control over anything except our response to the vicissitudes of life...
I wish you continued recovery, mentally, spiritually, and physically. You've been through the wringer, but as others have noted, you're a strong person. You can be happy again.
Love & Hugs,
Tintx

I'm very very sorry to hear about this tragic loss. I think you will find much support here on this board. Keep your head up, and keep talking about it. If you need to talk about it for another 10 years or be in therapy for another 20 years, keep going! Don't ever keep anything bottled up inside of you ;)

I know I could come in here and easily say not to blame yourself. I also am pretty sure that you've heard that from a millon other people. Something to always remember is that this accident was just that- an "accident". You can't hold it against anyone, including yourself. Don't you think if you KNEW that was going to happen you wouldn't have left? Of course. You would have stayed put...but could you imagine our lives if we KNEW EVERYTHING that was about to happen! You can't go on this way...you can't continue blaming yourself.

Find joy in life find joy in your children. Do you ever talk to your husband about all of this? Your children love you, and they arent mad at you, find comfort in knowing you were lucky to be blessed with these children :) All of them :) Things happen for a reason, and the guy upstairs needed your son right at that moment. He is in heaven now, he is an angel :angel:

I have a suggestion on a wonderful book that I have at home, you should buy or rent it. It is called "WHAT IF GOD WHERE THE SUN?" by JOHN EDWARDS. This book will enlighten your spirit...and you will feel good after you have read this.

Take care and best of luck ;)

HI there

I lost my son Jan. 11 of this year. It has been almost 2 months. He was delivered C-section and never took a breath. I was 36 weeks along. My 5 pound baby was my first child and me and my whole family have been devastated. To make matters worse, I developed blood clots in my leg due to the surgery, and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks. I now have to take blood thinner meds for the next 6 months that I absolutely cannot get pregnant on. My heart is broken, my health compromised and I had to start taking an antidepressant by the end of it all. I just got home from the hospital 4 days ago.

First off let me say that if you had to endure not only the trauma of a car accident, the loss of a child, a subsequent pregnancy with twins, and 14 surgeries, there is no wonder you feel so bad. You have every right to all of your emotions. The hospital is a depressing place to be in and your body has been through so much! Your physical trauma has also affected your mental stability. How could it not? Ever hear of post traumatic stress disorder? Many years ago it was called shell shock when soldiers returned from war. You have been through a battle for your life and health constantly and you are probably more exhausted than you realize.

I understand the guilt thing. I have it too (should of noticed signs earlier in pregnancy that there were problems, shoudl of picked better doctors, should have gone to a different hospital, should of gone to the ER the minute i started havng problems, not waiting 2 days, should of taken better care of myself, etc. etc.) No one can say anything to make you feel you could of done something different. Thats because it is true, you could always have done things different. So could I. But we did what we did, with the BEST of intentions in mind. Did you get in an accident due to being drunk? Were you driving recklessly, talking on a cell phone or speeding? NO. Your intention at the time was to spend time with your daughter and do something good for your body (swimming is one of the best work outs when pregnant.) Chances are you were feeling restless that day and needing to do something. I remember feeling so restless toward the end of my pregnancy. So even though you could have chosen to do something else that day, your choice was made with everyones best interest in mind. You have to love yourself by telling yourself, "its ok, you did what you thought was best at the time."

The other thing could be repressed anger toward your husband. AFter all he was driving. Do you ever feel blame toward him, such as , if he had swerved to the left, or if he had been watching the road better? Maybe you put all the blame on yourself and not anyone else involved. Have you shown anger toward the woman who caused the accident? Were you able to sue?
There are many elements involved here, you were not the only person involved in that accident. I am not saying you should start screaming at your husband, and of course, he did everything he did too. I am just saying you probably had a bunch of angry feelings all around and then put them all on yourself. Also, your husband probably has similar feelings of guilt, though men often don't show it. How has your husband been coping? ARe you able to discuss it together?

As for the twins, maybe there are real concrete reasons for being upset with the twins. ARe they difficult to handle children? Chances are if you are bipolar, your kids could also suffer from similar disorders. Kids are trying to the patience anyway.

5 years is too long to still be crying as if it just happened. You definetly need to find help for your healing. I do not know what that is exactly, but just keep asking for help until you get it. Explore all different options.

Try to remember when you get upset about stuff, that a lot of it is just the crap of life you are dealing with. When the twins are "out of control" as you put it, you may start thinking" I am upset with them because I am angry about loosing the baby" so you can replace that thought with "Actually I am upset with them because their acting badly right now and any parent would get upset with this."

I am a sad mommy and just trying to help someone else out because that helps me work it out in my head too. I hope what I said made sense. I am still in deep grieving myself and am just waiting for the day when life will make sense again. I wish you luck and health.

Hope2heal

The most important thing that you must know is that EVERYTHING happends for a reason. Don't lay around with your deppression, it will only pull you lower. Your son is watching over you and im sure he would not want you to be like this. it's not your fault sweetheart,it will take a long time to recover but you can speed that recovery up if your learn how to surface yourself.

Amanda: Your son is in a place that we who live in this world have to wait many years to get to. We have the pain, sorrow, sickness, hard work, worry, heartbreak, struggles of every day life, and evil that we all have to endure before we can reach that peaceful and beautiful place at the end of it. Just think, your son never had to go through any of those things. The accident WAS NOT your fault. Just remember what a wonderful place your son is in.

Amanda, your son was killed by a terrible accident, not because of you. Please, please forgive yourself for any mistakes you've made. I think of all the people who really don't appreciate their kids and you aren't one of them. You don't deserve to feel this way every day. Maybe you could make something positive come out of this tragedy - I don't know what that might be. You'll have to decide that for yourself. But make your precious baby's death a catalyst for change, not a reason to mourn for the rest of your life. That would be the best way to honor him. Take joy in your daughter - she's still with you and very much alive. She needs you and you need her.

It was a car "accident", there's the reason we call them accidents.
You did not have the accident on purpose.

What's even more simple to understand is that:
If you think or feel that your son knew or even now knows about complex things like forgivness, then it comes to reason that he too would also know how sad you feel and also know that it could have only been an accident. He would not want you to be sad forever.

For now, you have a family on this side of existance that needs you first and foremost including taking care of your own health, for now, don't let this be more than a memory and try to only remember the good things about carrying him while you were able. You will be with him again one day. Peace is rarely found in pills.
Goodluck and many healing thoughts to you.

im so sorry for your lost my condolence goes out for you :\ its not your fault its not like you did anything to endanger him remember its an accident please keep your head up the god lord has your baby in his arms now

~` So sorry to hear about the accident, but like the above entry, everything has it reason. we make our deals way before we come to learn. 5 years is a long time to struggle with this. I do not know how you are affecting the rest of your kin, & the friends that try to support you. But I will take a gander, that you have pushed many away from you. Not by choice, but by they do not know what to do for you. so they back off. (I know, I lost my son 8 years ago this week, remember the comet hail-bop?), I told him when he was passing to get on the comet & go. It gave me much comfert until I read about the heaven gaters that killed them-selfs. Oh well, but, it was only to be in view for about 2 weeks. I lived in Albany NY at that time, after his passing, I went to CA for a getaway, then for a visit to AZ to my folks, & the last night it was around, I saw there.(it stayed for 6) It was also holy week. So I do have some "good" things to associate that time with him, (he was 6.5, & in a wheel chair, he had medical trouble, but it was still a shock). You do not have any of those memories. Had he lived thru the accident, it may of been more of a hell for him & your faimly, everything happens for a reason. We may never learn, but the journy is a long constant teaching. You have healthy kids, & a faimly that loves you. You feed on there energy, & love. Be proud of your lost angel, he made sure you had the gift of life. Take the gifts that you have & do not make a sad thing, a bad thing. You are doing the right thing for reaching out here, I am proud to see the honesty. But please, do not punish yourself, or your husband, or the memory of your angel. ~~~~

~~ Blessed be
Kisa

Everything happens for a reason and God is not going to give you no more than you can handle. I know its very hard to handle and I can only imagine the pain you are going thru. You have to continue being strong though, because you have another beautiful child that needs you.
I have a 7y/o son, and him I both have forms of Neutropenia(a rare blood disorder). His first few years of life were very difficult and he was in the hospital so often. There were many times that I would cry myself to sleep for the pain I felt I caused him. I was born with the disorder, but both of my parents were healthy. When i had him it passed. There were times that he almost did not make it out the hospital. I remember once, my mom and I were having to think of funeral plans. The ultimate HARDEST thing I've ever done!!!! Remarkably, he came thru and is now doing better than ever. Yes, we were lucky.
He, now 7, takes shots daily to keep his white count up(as do I). But often askes me "why are we different?" as with many other questions alike. Often I blame myself! Yes, I explain to him that there are alot of others out there in worse shape. At least he can live an almost normal life. At least he can live at all!!
So, no I can't relate to the loss of a child. I have been very lucky with mine. As so have you with your daughter!! But I can relate to the blameing of yourself. But then we have to remember, we cannot predict the future. We donot know what tomorrow brings. We can only live each day to the fullest and try to enjoy and bless those around us and ourselves also. Even though you did not say all that you wanted to your baby at that devestating time, he knows how you feel. He's a part of you! He knows how much you love him.
Please remember:everything happens for a reason and God is not going to give us more than we can handle!!

Amanda-
I am so sorry for your loss. It must be devastating to lose a child. I lost my Mom in December to cancer. I asked myself so many questions - why couldn't it have been me? But it wasn't.
It sounds like you loved your baby so very much and would have done anything to protect him from harm. I'm sure you did everything you could to make sure your baby was healthy throughout your pregnancy. All you were doing was living your life. Going out shopping for a swimsuit is not putting yourself or your baby in harms way. It was a horrible thing that happened, but it was not intentional. Maybe you should try to forgive yourself.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Kathy

Amanda please repeat what you read (ITS NOT YOU'RE FAULT) AGAIN ( ITS NOT YOU'RE FAULT) you had no idea whatsoever what would happen that day .
People come and go day in and day out not knowing what to expect and you can't live you're life walking on eggshells .
It was a nightmare what happend to you and you're child but how could you have possibly have known what would have happend that day .
Did you know that you can forgive any one and I mean ( ANYONE) for just about anything but when it comes to ourselves that is the one person we have the hardest time forgiving and we become very dedicated in punishing ourselves ( and that's not a good thing) you have to forgive youreself and in time you will but there will always be a scar .
Every day is full of ( WHAT IFS) and we have no idea what is around the next turn but the loss of you're child was not you're fault because it was not intentional .
You didn't plan for it to happen , you did not expect it to happen , you did not will it to happen .
You went out just to buy a swimsuit (THAT'S ALL ) it wasn't you fault and one day you will forgive you're self .
TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS BUT THERE IS ALWAYS A SCAR .
Right now you're spouse and child need you and you can draw strength , love , and courage from them . Lean on one another surround you're self with family and friends and don't let you're mind play games with you and make you think you're all alone .
With the help of everyone around you it will help you get through this ( HELL ON EARTH)
And let you move on but first you need to realise that it wasn't you're fault and you had no control over what happend and I'm sure you're child in heaven knows that better than all of us because you have a very special angel right next to you right now .
I am so sorry for you're loss and I'm a parant myself .
My prayers are with you to help through you're most darkest of nightmares and may Gods love show you the way .
........... Lost Spirit ...........

:angel: SmilE someone loves you!