What an awesome place! I'm so glad this forum exists! I've finally found other people who can relate with me and I'm so grateful for that. I hope to get to "know" everyone here and that I can use my "walk through the fire" to help those who struggle with similar issues.

Here's my story...
I'm 30 years old, no children and I just celebrated my 4 year anniversary with a man that I am so madly in love with. I am a [ please read the posting rules about revealing your profession

Yes, on the outside I really have it all together. The inside however...
I have been anorexic for almost 3 years, or as I like to put it, I've been in prison for 3 years and for now, there's no chance of parole.

My ED is the result of the need to control, very low self-esteem, a defense mechanism, and a fear of the unknown (i.e., control).

I am reluctant to get better for fear that I won't be able to handle the next 'problem' that may arise. If I hold on to this problem I am protected from other bad things that might happen (or so I tell myself).

[ please read the posting rules about revealing your profession

The lie I tell myself is that I don't deserve the good life.

My life is a vicious cycle of reward and punishment and food is the tool I use to achive both. When I win a race, volunteer at church or help someone reach a goal, I deserve a feast. When I disappoint my husband, friends or loved ones, miss a sale at work, I don't allow myself to eat.

I am forever trying to learn about my ED and uncover the solution. The answers to my questions are there, I just have to keep digging. Someday I'll get my parole date and I will finally be free. AAAHHHH, what wonderful word (FREE!)

Well, that's my story in a nutshell. There's much more, but I wanted to give you all an idea of where I am coming from. Again, I am so glad to be here. I hope to help others, help myself and learn from everyone here.

Hugs to all,
Alotamiles

[ please read the posting rules about revealing your profession

Alotamiles! hey! welcome!:) im so glad u found this site 2. i was quite excited when i came across and now look, im on it 24/7 lol. its like my own public diary. nehoo, we are all going thru the same things. so, if theres NETHING u seen to ask, we're all here to listen!:) if u go thru my posts, im shure ull see alot of mine. but ill introduce myself! i am a 14 year old bulimic who has been fighting with this ED for 2 years. i first got worried about weight and food at age 9. sad eh? neways...i am now seeing a counsellor and my doc. the whole world knows about my ed. yeh, its kinda embarressin but nbody really says nething (except for my friends who like to ask questions) i really do not know why i started this to be exact. i was always a big girl who liked to eat. i just had LOW LOW self esteem and was sick of being bigger than everyone else. now im skinnier and its not as good. sheesh!

nehoo...i hope u stay and check up on here lots cuz it makes a BIG difference!:):)

SammYx0x0x0x

Alotamiles...
I think it's great that you came here, and I hope you find that it helps you out. It sounds like you understand yourself well....and understand (for lack of a better way of putting it) the "function" your ED has in you life.
I wish you luck as you "walk through fire"...a great way of putting. It's a few steps forward, a few steps back until you can handle the discomfort and walk on through.

I'm 26 years old and consider my self recovered. I became anorexic at 15-16 years old. It took about a year before I got really really sick/thin and ended up in the hospital for over a month. I had lots of trouble when I got out...but managed to keep myself from going back in. I began to recover at 18...
I'm currently living w/my BF and our son who will be 2 next month. It is still a struggle...sometimes daily...I think about it often, and sometimes slip up, but am fortunate to recognize the signs a quickly "snap out of it".

I'm here to keep myself "out of trouble", and to help out if I can...though sometimes I'm afraid I might be too preachy, or people may not want to hear from me. Just the same...I'm glad to be here too...the people are wonderful, and have been very supportive when I needed it.

Talk to ya soon,
Jenn

Gosh i cant imagine how you must feel after three years of this torture. I have been anorexic for about three months and feel horrible. Does anyone know about your problem? just curious because people are already asking me if there something wrong. well im so happy that you found this board and i hope we can help you. its helped me alot to come here and vent with people that know what you are going through. hopefully it will be just as helpful to you!
liza

hey liza, since u were only anorexic for like 3 months, did u know u have a more quicker chance of recoveriing? since u are aware of it before it get ne worse, u have a better chance. id seek help!:) and thats for all of us, but girls who suffered with EDs for years, its hard work! but if u recognized it now, id go for some help!

just a suggestion!:)
SammYx0x0x

I agree with Sammy, you should get help immediately especially since you haven't been anorexic for long. It's easier to take care of it while it's still "young". I've had problems with anorexia and bulimia since I was 19...I'm now 29. I wish I would have gone into therapy when it first started and maybe I wouldn't be struggling so bad now. :nono:

i havent had an ed for only three months, ive had one for about three years but it just turned into the ana stage for the last three months. I used to be a binger and purger, then just a binger. i am still deciding if i have enough courage to get help.. its a difficult process as you guys know.. anyways thank guys for showing your concern!

yeh, thats the same with me. im a bigner and purger. well, we hoped it would have only been the 3 months cuz it would have ended a lot sonner:( darn neways..well, i wish u the best!:)

Thank you for your replies and your suppport. Several people know about my ED including my husband, my sister, mother, and a few close girl friends.
Unfortunately, I grew up in a non-confrontational family so my mom and I don't talk too much about the problem. (if we don't bring it up, it doesn't exist!)
My sister has been like a rock for me and such a huge support, but she is in her last year of college and not around a lot due to her hectic schedule. Also, she's moving to Colorado this May to complete her internship. I'm really proud of her, but I can't even think about not having her around.

My husband is currently in Seattle on business until April (he's been there sonce January 1). Without him here, it's been extremely easy for me to restrict and over exercise. I basically work at the club, come home and run.

Liza, I agree with the others in that you need to get help NOW so you can stop the cycle. It's never too late to get help, but you'll do yourse;f a big favor by dealing with this early on.

Thanks again for responding and offering your kind words. I REALLY appreciate it! I hope you all have a good week!
- Alotamiles

I don't know if i could handle getting help. You see, I am the type of person that has a fixed scheldule everday. When things interfere with my scheldule, i get real panicky and it makes my ED worse. I know that sounds stupid, but i dont like change, and i know the "help" whatever it might be, might demand more of my time than i am willing to give and i dont want to feel forced. Thats why i came to this board, which is helping, because i come on my time. I know i probably sound weird or stubborn and im sorry!
liza

o that doesnt sounds stupid, i know exactly what u mean. but all i have to say is sometime soon. if it does change ur schedual its for the best!:) i mean, im still a kid and all my seeing of the counsellor interferes with school (which is fine with me! lol.) but i only miss like a couple classes, so...

hope to hear from ya soon!:wave:
SammYx0x0x

I hate to say it Liza...and please son't be offended...but that sounds like a classic answer to me...Sounds VERY familiar 'cuz I've said it myself. Only you can get you better...but there's work to be done. EDs don't just go away...

I'm not quite sure how only coming here can really be of help. We come here to support one another, yes. But are we really getting into one anothers heads and helping one another figure out why we do it, and how to get better? I don't see much of that going on. Or am I wrong?

Anyway...I'm not trying to change your mind...just something to think about. Don't rule it out completely...therapy can be VERY helpful. Especially if you can find someone who's wonderful like I had. Someone who got in my face and made me work!!

Best of luck to you...
Jenn

when you went to therapy was you who made the decision or did someone make you? just curious because its just so hard for me!

Well I just go back from seeing a movie and for some reason, i kept thinking about my real reason for not getting help. I mean yes i am a very busy person, but even one day a week or something. Part of me really wants to get better, but i still have a part of me that doesn't. I am going to start looking for groups or counselors online that I can really see myself benefitting from. Will i actually go get help? i still dont know, I dont want to hurt or worry my parents about this, I'm 18 but live with them, do you think i could do this without them knowing? thanks guys for your concern it really means alot.
liza

well shure! i forget, are the yaware of the problem? if not, but i still wanna seek help, im shure u'll be bale to squeeze sum time to see a counsellor without them knowing. i mean, yes they are ur rents and u do live with them, but they wont watch ur every single move 24/7. but if they do know about ur prob, i'd tell them!:)

Liza...sorry it so long to reply...

When I first got sick, it was my parents who made me go see someone. I didn't fight them about it though...I could have made them carry me to the car, you know? Once I found the right person to talk to, though...I wanted to go.

Listen to the part of you that wants to get better...the longer you wait, the harder it is...and the more comfortable you will be with NOT being well. Since you're 18, you're considered an adult and can go without your parents knowing. As with ANY doctor you see, anything you say or do will be totally confidential.

You MAY want to consider telling your parents about this...if not them, SOMEONE. It's alot easier when you have someone there for you to talk to when you need it...or just hug/hold you if your scared.

Hope your doing well,
Jenn