So many things start racing through my mind when I think about getting better. I want to more than anything (I'm anorexic) but I'm just scared. One of my biggest fears is that I've deprived myself of everything I used to love to eat for so long that when/if I do recover I'm afraid I'll start totally binging on everything and gain a whole bunch of weight and swing in the total opposite direction I'm in now which would be being fat. That would be the last thing I would want. I've been restricting myself again alot lately. I cut my calorie intake back down to anywhere from 1000-1300 a day. I was doing better and eating 1500-1700 which is pretty much what I'm supposed to have. But last Saturday I binged..... again...it's always on Saturdays. I just couldn't stop eating and I ended up comsuming what I would say was around 2300-2500 cal that day!!! :eek: I didn't really gain anything though, maybe a half a pound but I ate nothing but fruit and veggies and drank green tea to detoxify my body all day the next day so that got rid of the water retention. I hate this!!!! I just want to be able to eat and not worry about it!!! What I would give to just be able to eat what I wanted and not count every calorie or fat gram I was taking in. I used to be that way, and I never gained an ounce. I was a healthy weight and I ate what I wanted, whenever I wanted. I MISS that!! But then this horrible disease took over me. All I eat now is cereal, mostly oatmeal or puffed wheat/rice, toast (light bread only 45 cal a slice), fruit (especially apples and bananas), some veggies (peas, corn, and carrots mostly) and that has been pretty much it lately. My b/f is getting really concerned about me. He wanted to order pizza last night and of course I cringed when he said the word "pizza". I told him no I'll just eat something else and I fixed my usual bowl of oatmeal and had a banana. He just looked at me when I sat down to eat and I said "what?" and he asked me "Is that all you ever eat...oatmeal?" I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. Everyone suspects my ED but it's not something I have admitted to yet. He went on and told me he's worried about me and I need to start eating other things besides oatmeal because I'm getting way too thin. I just looked at him and didn't say anything. He knew I didn't want to talk about it so he didn't say anything else. We used to sit down together and eat a whole large pizza (Pizza Hut's stuffed crust pepperoni used to be our fav) and we would eat double cheeseburgers, large fries, and cherry pies from McDonald's. When I think about all that stuff now the only thing that comes to mind is FAT and CALORIES. I actually sit here and fantasize about the way I used to eat and I just wish so bad I could just eat again and not gain weight. I know now though things are different. My metabolism isn't what it used to be from depriving myself and plus I had a baby last July and that slows your metabolism also. Is there a way I can start eating more and boost my metabolism so I don't gain a whole bunch of weight and get fat? Really I don't want to gain anything. I'm thin but not disgustingly thin (5 feet 93 pounds). I feel good where I'm at but I also know I'm a bit underweight. I just want my life back. I envy anyone who can eat and not care how many calories they are consuming. I especially envy those people who are just naturally thin that can eat anything they want whenever they want. What scares me is I miss all the wrong foods. I miss chocolate, pizza (oh, heavenly pizza!!), cheeseburgers, french fries, chips, all of that fattening stuff. And I'm just scared that when/if I do recover those will be the foods I'll want and I'll just lose control and pig out on them all the time. I know I could have them and only eat small portions of them at a time and that would be ok but the problem is I can't. I completely avoid them because if I do allow myself to have those things I remember how good they are and when I start eating I can't stop and I just eat and eat until I'm so full I feel sick. I haven't went to that extreme for awhile though. What do I do??? How do I develop a healthy relationship with food again?? Please any advice on what to do would be very much appreciated. Please!!

Piscean!

i am SO here for u!! i feel the exact same way u have no idea!! i am in the process of gaining weight, i do eat 3 meals a day but as u listed, all i eat is whole wheat bread, egg whites, and fruit. and a lil bit of jam. and whatever my mom makes me for supper. and at supper time i always overeat, then i think "to heck!" and eat everything else and purge it all away. this is a BAD habit of mine! i did it 2wice yesterday! like, sam! c'mon, get real! neways, i think abotu caloires and stuff all the time 2. and it is really really really annoying. when i see one of my friends eat chocolate i think "yes,! theire gonna get fat and im not!" those cruel words in my mins stay placed. i hate it. i love my friends to death! or, u wanna know somethin else? everytime i make mom grilled cheese or something i glob on the butter. nething im making for sumone else has to be really fatty. why? i dunno. its just cruel. i hate it. im a nice person! but...grr.r....we had a curling clinic a few weeks ago, and they served pizza for lunch! (eek!:eek: ), neways, i ended up having to eat it so i had 2 peices (which by the way tasted so heavenly), but u wouldnt beleive all the guilt i had in my mind. im more bulimic than anorexic but i can totally relate to ur feelings and struggles.

so, u have a baby? rite on! myabe that can help u boost ur life! i mean, a child is a worlds gift! think of it, u dont want ur child growing up watching u suffer? u want to see him/her grow up happy. and i hear that if a child sees a role model or whatnot go thru an ED, they will most likely develope one. thats my opinion neways...

i would consider telling ur b/f. i mean, he loves u, u loveh im, and he would be just heartbroken if u kept it a secret. a lotta ppl know from here and yes it is embarressing, but whatever! i mean, their here to help and care, not judge. and if they do judge, so what! ill just ignore them.

and for another benefitial thingy, id consider going to a counsellor. if ur not ready, u dont have to, but it really helps!:) im 14 and im seeing one. i was scared but man o man, its worth it. i feel somewhat better about myself and i learned all the dangers of what i am doing. my counsellor is like a sister! haha, she was bulimic for 13 years so i can babble on and on and she would understand!! i'd consider that an option gurly!

neways, aha im blabbing on, so i should go....i hope i helped somewhat!

u take care!!

x0x0SammYx0x0:wave:

o and for the metabolism thing, this is tough but give it a try!! just eat like 6 small meals per day....not like HUGE pipin' plate fulls, but just lil snack during the day...once ur body gets used to the fact of having food in it, ur metabolims will be back to its normal function. im not going to lie, u will gaiin weight but hunny! ur beautiful! and no peice of fat is going to make it bad! actually, ur gonna look SO much prettier when u do gain. trust me, u'll see. :) when i did (unfortunately i lost some), ppl were saying a looked good again! but i looked in the mirror and saw BLAA. but i tried not to get it to my head. its hard....its going to take time, but u can do it!!

Piscean- I remember that bingeing and all that was and is always a fear of mine when in recovery. I still feel sometimes like I wont be able to stop, if for example my mom bring homes cake that i like. But you have to realize something- it won't happen. Being anorexic, you are very much controlling your intake, whther it means in recovery or not. THere has not been ONCE where Ive completely binged and hated myself. When I decide I want to eat more of soemthing (ie/ i love pizza too!) I make sure that I eat a tiny bit less earlier in the day so that I can have more. It is easiest if you make a sort of meal plan so that you know roughly what to have and when. I find it great having 3 meals and 2 snacks a day, roughly adding up to 2200 Cals. I would suggest you raise your intake s l o w l y, and ignore any bloating or whatnot that goes with it. THIS IS NORMAL AND WILL GO AWAY! (promise). Give it your best shot. In addition, I think you need to ask for extra help. This means a therapist, a doctor a nutritionist, anyone that can help you. You cant go about it alone, and you esp. cant do it in secret. Tell your boyfriend what is going on and let him support you. Dont push him away! Good luck and keep us posted!