Last night hubby and I played games and watched movies as usual. It didn't really come up much - except in his hugs - I felt him trying to hug it right out of me.

He wants a "normal" family - I do too. He wants us to be happy go things to just be right. I'm a little afraid he doesn't understand that it can't be willed away. That just because it's been brought out in the open and I said I was going to fight this - the fight isn't over. Maybe he just needs time to think? I'd like to think that but I know my husband and he can ignore almost anything if it will make his world feel better to him. When I'm sick - he doesn't really take care of me - he lets me take time alone to heal - do you know what I mean? He's not he most sympathetic man in the world - not to say he doens't feel bad when he knows he ignored my feelings - if I point it out I can see it hurts him to hurt me - he just dosen't look for things.

I guess things will be more clear to me after Tuesday's appointment with the psychiatrist, but for now I'm a little lost as to what to do. Let him be? Force him to talk about it? Things usually have to be tragic in order for him to sit up and pay attention. He's just an easy going - loving guy. He's just not the great in a crisis. That's my job.

I'm afraid to do this and feel alone in it. It hasn't worked in the past - and it won't work now. At least he knows what to look for now - at least he knows what I'm up to....if I were to be up to something.

Why oh why oh why did I do this?????????? God anyone that is just starting this ride - PLEASE get off!!!!!!! It sucks - get your money back and kick the carnie guy on the way out.

Tori