Hi everyone.

I went to my first NA meeting tonight and I feel so lost and hopeless. Everyone there seemed so connected and bonded, so grateful to be there and to have each other. They talked about the friends they made there and how they all reach out to help each other.

I can't do any of that. I have kept my problem secret from everyone. No one knows or even suspects I have a problem. I am terrified to tell my husband or my parents becuase I fear it will change everything. I am terrified that my husband won't want me anymore or will never trust me again or will not feel comfortable with me.

Its hard to believe that I have kept everything secret but I have and revealing my problem feels like it will destroy my family. I will lose everyone.

So how can I stop being a secret adict only to become a secret recovering adict? How can I get the fellowship of others in NA if I can't ever tell anyone I am going? How can I exchange numbers and have a sponser and support?

I am doomed to wallow in this half life forever. I am doomed to keep everything just enough under control so no one suspects and everyone trusts me and I live through life in this terrible fog forever. I hate these secrets but I can't destroy what I have.

Hi Mommy.

You aren't alone. It just feels like that right now. Last year this time i felt like you do right now. I quit for the twentyhundreth time January of last year and felt so alone and helpless and couldn't dream of telling my husband or anyone.

I relapsed many times over the year. And then - BOOM - it hit me - I had HAD IT. I was sick and tired of the pills. I was so sick it hurt from the gut out. It hurt so much - I had to get it out I had to tell. And I did - first to my closest friend - who said ALL the right thigns. Then with her help and this boards help - I told my husband. Boy we he relieved to know that my hidden behaviors and secretiveness and obvious pulling back wasn't him - but a drug. He was so relieved that he's been smiling at me almost non-stop. He's not happy that I have this huge problem - he's happy that it's fixable - and that he can help now. I was putting a burden on my marriage and family - by NOT telling. One I didn't know was there - or barely knew. I didn't know how different I had become or how suspicious I was behaving...I thought I was slick. Not so much - no. I realize not all spouses will react this way - but the idea is that a burden will lift. And in time - that happiness will follow because you'll be yourself again.


Now - I'm finally here. I can't say that I won't use again - but I can say that I don't have to anymore and I have a support system and it feels GOOD. Getting those secrets out just felt like the world had lifted it's nasty talons from my shoulders and let go. If you aren't ready - you aren't ready - but you will be - because you want to be. Just keep making steps in the right direction. The time will come when you are so sick of being addicted - that you will shout it from your yard if you have to to get rid of it.

We'll be here all the way...

Tori

Find Mommy,
Hi I read your post and want you to know.. there is a way out.. you dont ever have to use drugs or alcohol again. I understand how you felt in the NA meeting - I went through that too! I was so serious, I wanted to die! Why do I have this allergy to alcohol and meds? Why are these people laughing?

The big book says "if you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, start working the steps" They promise to not only lift the obsession of drugs and alcohol, they will rocket you into a fourth demension-- it will change your life and the lives around you- everyone you come in contact with. Through your actions- people will see the change in you.

Here's my story:

I was a single parent, two kids 2 and 7. I was taking 20-30 vics a day plus sleep meds, and muscle relaxers. It was glamorous, it felt great! All those problems GONE.... all those secrets... keep hidden inside me.

I "wanted" to take pills- switched to "needed" to take pills, to "having to take them to survive and not w/d. It was anything BUT glamorous. The pills had me.

I told my boss, I told my parents, my ex husband, and my children I had a problem... I had a spiritual malady. I used drugs to numb the pain. I told them the truth. I took a chance -- because I knew what I had been doing "on my own" wasnt working.

By God's grace.. I went to a treatment center for 30 days, (was able to find someone to watch my lil ones), I had my job when I came home- people did not judge me- My actions spoke loudly because when I came home I went to a meeting everyday- and people were nice enough to share their experience and hope with me- so that I may get connected with God, and help others in AA. Today, is my 5 month birthday! Im 5 months sober today- and more than that... I feel RELEASED from the bondage of secrets, lies, and the stealing precious time away from my girls. I have many new girlfriends in AA. I had always isolated in the past so I could dull my aching heart from all the pain so many others had caused me! (joking, I was selfish and self centered to the core!)

If I can be this happy, joyous, and free just because I was willing to be honest... ANYONE CAN DO IT! !!!! I was not an easy case.. I had people who depended on me!

It can be done... You dont have to "go back out" ever again! You dont ever have to use again.

Get the secret out and they will not have POWER over you anymore...
ONLY THEN, CAN THE HEALING BEGIN.
Keep going to meetings. One a day, it will work.. Im not saying I promise... The big book says as a result of honestly working the steps, it works- they promise!

Love,

Sara

Thank you everyone. Thank you for replying to me and reaching out to me. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone and that some people out there "hear" me.

I have been thinking about this for hours and I realized that a part of my reluctance to tell my secret is that I'm not ready to commit to giving up the pills forever. I want to stop. I know I want to stop, but a part of me is so terrified to do it. That is why I haven't thrown everything down the toilet yet. Part of me wants to keep something around "just in case."

If I tell, and if they don't leave me, I know they will at least make me throw everything away.

I am going to think about confessing everything becuase I know that if they stay with me, then I will at least have allies who will help me not slip. I need to be more ready, more committed before I do that.

I'm embarrassed to admit to you and myself that I'm still so ambivalent.

I am going to go to another meeting today.

-J

HI,

I went though that same period of questioning for 1 entire year. I was ready to quit last year, talked myself out of it...but busy with my life and active addition and now ANOTHER year of addicition has occured. At some point, you'll be ready. I am now. We'll be here when you decide...hopefully, before something dreadful happens (which is often the 'bottom' people speak of). I know exactly where you are at...I was there less than two months ago.

dp

Findmommy

I too have felt the same way about stopping. I wanted to but was afraid and questioning if I really wanted to or not. I'm glad to hear you are going to meetings regardless. I pray you find the courage there to let go. I beleive you will.

I appreciate your honesty, and hope to hear from you often.

Take care,
Patty

J, I doubt there are many people on this board who DIDN'T hold off on any form of treatment (or sharing our misery with family or friends) because we weren't certain we wanted to give up those pills!! I KNEW I was not ready to face reality for quite some time. I treasured those "pill" moments when I could feel more "euphoric" about life" But...those moments became less and less. And, then, like you, I just got closer and closer to the point where I knew that I HAD to give them up. And you will get to that point, too! In the meantime, do use the Search feature here (on the top of the board between New Posts and Quick Links to find very similar stories to yours....of how telling their families seemed just impossible. Look for the stories of John:3:12 (or is it 3:16?) and Rosie-t...and many, many more.) It helps so much reading about others in such a similar situation. :-) Lynn