Meta_morphosis
02-21-2005, 04:09 PM
I have visited here before, and this board has been very helpful to me. I diagnosed myself with OCD after around August I started having really bad attacks. I do not know how much I can relate to people who have had thoughts of killing those they love and other disturbing, very distressing thoughts, because I don't know how different my case is. It started after I got done watching 2 documentaries on serial killers, and all of a sudden my mind was bombarded with horrible thoughts of taking a knife and stabbing my neice while she slept, and it was so horribly scary and painful. I don't know what it is, but I felt almost something like an urge to go over and get a knife...but I would never do such a thing, but it is more than just thoughts, it is like something telling me "it is so easy to do it" (I don't audibly hear voices, by the way). The thing that worries me the most is that beyond all the paralyzing fear of these thoughts and how terrible they are to me, that a part of me actually wants to, and sometimes when it gets bad I keep thinking about doing it over and over again just to see whether I would actually enjoy it or would want to do it...and it scares me badly. I just do not know sometimes, I know it is OCD, but it just seems to be more than just thoughts and fear associated with it, it is also a compulsive urge, which scares me to think I'd ever act upon. Sorry to be so graphic, but I need some input, and I plan to find a Christian therapist whom I can trust to help me out. Thank you all for listening.
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bm28
02-21-2005, 04:59 PM
Those types of thoughts are "perfectly normal OCD" thoughts. I would assume that all of us have had those.
Rark
02-22-2005, 02:04 AM
The fact that you're racked with such guilt shows how INCAPABLE you are of such actions.
I used to get like that, but slowly learned that they were just odd thoughts that MANY people get. I still get them fairly often and just brush them off as midly humorous that it would even have.
Because you have such an aversion to these thoughts and you probably try and force them away, they become stimulating to your brain and are that much ahrder to keep away. Futhermore, they also become so strong that your muscles seem like they're tensed and ready to perform the action. But don't worry--YOU WON'T. It happens to a lot of people. Just make sure from now on you ALLOW the thought, let it flow through instead of pushing against it or adhering to it, and try to realize that having a thought is nowhere near the same thing as perfoming or even being CAPABLE of performing it.
Good luck!
I used to get like that, but slowly learned that they were just odd thoughts that MANY people get. I still get them fairly often and just brush them off as midly humorous that it would even have.
Because you have such an aversion to these thoughts and you probably try and force them away, they become stimulating to your brain and are that much ahrder to keep away. Futhermore, they also become so strong that your muscles seem like they're tensed and ready to perform the action. But don't worry--YOU WON'T. It happens to a lot of people. Just make sure from now on you ALLOW the thought, let it flow through instead of pushing against it or adhering to it, and try to realize that having a thought is nowhere near the same thing as perfoming or even being CAPABLE of performing it.
Good luck!
leonna
02-22-2005, 09:31 AM
I have visited here before, and this board has been very helpful to me. I diagnosed myself with OCD after around August I started having really bad attacks. I do not know how much I can relate to people who have had thoughts of killing those they love and other disturbing, very distressing thoughts, because I don't know how different my case is. It started after I got done watching 2 documentaries on serial killers, and all of a sudden my mind was bombarded with horrible thoughts of taking a knife and stabbing my neice while she slept, and it was so horribly scary and painful. I don't know what it is, but I felt almost something like an urge to go over and get a knife...but I would never do such a thing, but it is more than just thoughts, it is like something telling me "it is so easy to do it" (I don't audibly hear voices, by the way). The thing that worries me the most is that beyond all the paralyzing fear of these thoughts and how terrible they are to me, that a part of me actually wants to, and sometimes when it gets bad I keep thinking about doing it over and over again just to see whether I would actually enjoy it or would want to do it...and it scares me badly. I just do not know sometimes, I know it is OCD, but it just seems to be more than just thoughts and fear associated with it, it is also a compulsive urge, which scares me to think I'd ever act upon. Sorry to be so graphic, but I need some input, and I plan to find a Christian therapist whom I can trust to help me out. Thank you all for listening.
Oh my god,i know JUST how you feel,seriously.
i have such nasty,horrible,unbearable thought's! and i cant cope with them,i hardly go out,incase i have these thoughts.and incase i act on them *Which,deep down i know i wont!..but,as i type that,something inside me says 'but what if you do?*
It makes me feel sick. i know how you feel,i seriously do.
you have a much better way of putting things into word's then i do tho.
i cant even watch films with violance in,or the news,or anything about murders,'cos i worry for days,incase i do the same as these people are doing.
every 3 days is a new worry 2 me,well..no,every day! most of them are morbid,like your's. and its so nasty,i want to get rid of them but i cant.
its like im trapped. and,i think about killing myself *WHICH i never would,but,when you have these thoughts u think about the fact that you would rather be dead then hurt anyone*
but,its just so nasty,and it hurts so much when you get these nasty thoughts in your head,i know. you feel like you cant breath,that you have to go away from everyone,and try to get rid of them.
but,it never works :( not for me anyway.
Oh my god,i know JUST how you feel,seriously.
i have such nasty,horrible,unbearable thought's! and i cant cope with them,i hardly go out,incase i have these thoughts.and incase i act on them *Which,deep down i know i wont!..but,as i type that,something inside me says 'but what if you do?*
It makes me feel sick. i know how you feel,i seriously do.
you have a much better way of putting things into word's then i do tho.
i cant even watch films with violance in,or the news,or anything about murders,'cos i worry for days,incase i do the same as these people are doing.
every 3 days is a new worry 2 me,well..no,every day! most of them are morbid,like your's. and its so nasty,i want to get rid of them but i cant.
its like im trapped. and,i think about killing myself *WHICH i never would,but,when you have these thoughts u think about the fact that you would rather be dead then hurt anyone*
but,its just so nasty,and it hurts so much when you get these nasty thoughts in your head,i know. you feel like you cant breath,that you have to go away from everyone,and try to get rid of them.
but,it never works :( not for me anyway.
kiehn
02-22-2005, 09:42 AM
Those who made comment to the fact that your are ridden with guilt and discusted by the thought only proves your true intentions. These are thoughts and as someone else suggested just let me flow thru. This may sound funny and you can laugh because it's what I do. You probably arent old enough to remember the cartoons
where a little devil stood on one shoulder whispering mean nasty thoughts and on the other shoulder was a little angel whispering just the oposite sweet kind thoughts.
Whenever I have some of these thoughts that's the first thing that comes to mind, I laugh to myself and yes I have even virutally flicked that little devil off my shoulder. Seriously some of the books on OCD recomend desenitizing yourself to such thoughts, by thinking the thought over and over until your so tired of hearing it, it means nothing, because it's just a thought. A stupid one but just an unwanted thought. Hang in there and take control. You'll beat this, K
where a little devil stood on one shoulder whispering mean nasty thoughts and on the other shoulder was a little angel whispering just the oposite sweet kind thoughts.
Whenever I have some of these thoughts that's the first thing that comes to mind, I laugh to myself and yes I have even virutally flicked that little devil off my shoulder. Seriously some of the books on OCD recomend desenitizing yourself to such thoughts, by thinking the thought over and over until your so tired of hearing it, it means nothing, because it's just a thought. A stupid one but just an unwanted thought. Hang in there and take control. You'll beat this, K
Meta_morphosis
02-22-2005, 10:17 AM
Leonna,
I understand how distressing it can be sometimes. I fortunately got on medication a while ago, and it helped a lot, and for the past couple of months I barely had any anxiety or attacks. Recently, I got caught up in a movie that well...traumatized me and now I am having some of the same old attacks, but hopefully I will be able to deal with them better now that I have experience with this type of thing. I'll be praying for you dear, cuz I know how bad it is sometimes, and never be afraid to seek help and be completely open because it is the only way I ever found some relief. Don't be afraid to cry out all of your fears to somebody close to you and talk (in detail, even though it is hard) to somebody who would understand about ocd. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on the worst of my enemies, but there are others that are going through the same thing. You are far from alone, and remember that the Lord has His hands around your situation, and I know He will take care of you, especially if we seek Him to and pray to Him. Another thing that helps is laughing, watch a very funny movie or show that will make you laugh or hang out with friends who have a knack for splitting your sides, it has always made me feel a million times better. God bless ya!
I understand how distressing it can be sometimes. I fortunately got on medication a while ago, and it helped a lot, and for the past couple of months I barely had any anxiety or attacks. Recently, I got caught up in a movie that well...traumatized me and now I am having some of the same old attacks, but hopefully I will be able to deal with them better now that I have experience with this type of thing. I'll be praying for you dear, cuz I know how bad it is sometimes, and never be afraid to seek help and be completely open because it is the only way I ever found some relief. Don't be afraid to cry out all of your fears to somebody close to you and talk (in detail, even though it is hard) to somebody who would understand about ocd. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on the worst of my enemies, but there are others that are going through the same thing. You are far from alone, and remember that the Lord has His hands around your situation, and I know He will take care of you, especially if we seek Him to and pray to Him. Another thing that helps is laughing, watch a very funny movie or show that will make you laugh or hang out with friends who have a knack for splitting your sides, it has always made me feel a million times better. God bless ya!
Blue102
02-22-2005, 10:31 AM
I knew a girl in school that stabbed her mom while she slept. Now I'm OCD about someone coming into my room and stabbing me. When I have kids, I will have to keep the doors locked!
Yeah, your symptoms are common for OCD. This is weird, but kind of the same thing. When I was younger I was SURE that I was going to Hell for commiting the unforgivable sin of blasphemy. So in my mind I kept screaming curses at God. The more it happened, the worse I felt, and it just kept happening again and again. The church I went to didn't help much. They thought I was a lost case.
I wish I'd known about OCD then.
Yeah, your symptoms are common for OCD. This is weird, but kind of the same thing. When I was younger I was SURE that I was going to Hell for commiting the unforgivable sin of blasphemy. So in my mind I kept screaming curses at God. The more it happened, the worse I felt, and it just kept happening again and again. The church I went to didn't help much. They thought I was a lost case.
I wish I'd known about OCD then.
Meta_morphosis
02-22-2005, 12:16 PM
That saddens me that of all people your church would label you a "lost case." That is so contrary to God's character and being Christian it really disturbs me. A church full of true, Christ-filled believers would be almost overly patient, loving, kind, caring, and understanding. I know this is a bit off topic, but I hear way too often about churches failing to do the basics with people..and I just don't know how this happens...
My OCD changes often, sometimes it is thoughts of hurting or killing others, and sometimes it is sexual identity. I remember I had an episode where I constantly ruminated about whether I was a pedophile or was attracted to young girls, and I thought it would be a relief from all the murderous thoughts, but it turned out to be very distressing also. It can get bad, cuz my mind really comes up with some terrible thoughts and deceptions. At the same time I have panic disorder so before I was on medication, and even now when I get really bad (which is rare) I get really terrible symptoms. I find hope that through all this terrible pain and emotional darkness I am able to better understand pain that others may feel, and this has opened my eyes to be more caring and empathic to others. By suffering I learn to better have compassion for others and know how to put some salt in their emotional and psychological wounds. Don't be discouraged because some the worst things in our lives can become some of our most priceless possessions!
My OCD changes often, sometimes it is thoughts of hurting or killing others, and sometimes it is sexual identity. I remember I had an episode where I constantly ruminated about whether I was a pedophile or was attracted to young girls, and I thought it would be a relief from all the murderous thoughts, but it turned out to be very distressing also. It can get bad, cuz my mind really comes up with some terrible thoughts and deceptions. At the same time I have panic disorder so before I was on medication, and even now when I get really bad (which is rare) I get really terrible symptoms. I find hope that through all this terrible pain and emotional darkness I am able to better understand pain that others may feel, and this has opened my eyes to be more caring and empathic to others. By suffering I learn to better have compassion for others and know how to put some salt in their emotional and psychological wounds. Don't be discouraged because some the worst things in our lives can become some of our most priceless possessions!
leonna
02-22-2005, 04:39 PM
Leonna,
I understand how distressing it can be sometimes. I fortunately got on medication a while ago, and it helped a lot, and for the past couple of months I barely had any anxiety or attacks. Recently, I got caught up in a movie that well...traumatized me and now I am having some of the same old attacks, but hopefully I will be able to deal with them better now that I have experience with this type of thing. I'll be praying for you dear, cuz I know how bad it is sometimes, and never be afraid to seek help and be completely open because it is the only way I ever found some relief. Don't be afraid to cry out all of your fears to somebody close to you and talk (in detail, even though it is hard) to somebody who would understand about ocd. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on the worst of my enemies, but there are others that are going through the same thing. You are far from alone, and remember that the Lord has His hands around your situation, and I know He will take care of you, especially if we seek Him to and pray to Him. Another thing that helps is laughing, watch a very funny movie or show that will make you laugh or hang out with friends who have a knack for splitting your sides, it has always made me feel a million times better. God bless ya!
thank you for replying.
im not on treatment.
i have a doctor who comes out to see me every 2 weeks,to try and help me go out more and stuff,and he knows about some of it,altho i dont really know if he thinks i have ocd or not.
im not even sure.
my head is just so totally messed up at the moment!
i have so many weird nasty thoughts,half of them are morbid,but sometimes they are just..messed up.
half the time i ask people to leave me alone,so i can sit on my own and try to get rid of the thoughts! but i just end up getting mopre distressed.
:(
I understand how distressing it can be sometimes. I fortunately got on medication a while ago, and it helped a lot, and for the past couple of months I barely had any anxiety or attacks. Recently, I got caught up in a movie that well...traumatized me and now I am having some of the same old attacks, but hopefully I will be able to deal with them better now that I have experience with this type of thing. I'll be praying for you dear, cuz I know how bad it is sometimes, and never be afraid to seek help and be completely open because it is the only way I ever found some relief. Don't be afraid to cry out all of your fears to somebody close to you and talk (in detail, even though it is hard) to somebody who would understand about ocd. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on the worst of my enemies, but there are others that are going through the same thing. You are far from alone, and remember that the Lord has His hands around your situation, and I know He will take care of you, especially if we seek Him to and pray to Him. Another thing that helps is laughing, watch a very funny movie or show that will make you laugh or hang out with friends who have a knack for splitting your sides, it has always made me feel a million times better. God bless ya!
thank you for replying.
im not on treatment.
i have a doctor who comes out to see me every 2 weeks,to try and help me go out more and stuff,and he knows about some of it,altho i dont really know if he thinks i have ocd or not.
im not even sure.
my head is just so totally messed up at the moment!
i have so many weird nasty thoughts,half of them are morbid,but sometimes they are just..messed up.
half the time i ask people to leave me alone,so i can sit on my own and try to get rid of the thoughts! but i just end up getting mopre distressed.
:(
Meta_morphosis
02-23-2005, 01:01 PM
It is a pain that you feel that you believe is beyond everybody else. It may just be worse than what I have experienced, but do not give up hope. All I can tell you is that I wouldn't have gotten through it without my Lord and Savior to seek comfort in. Whenever I was in great distress I had Him to pray to, cry to, and ask why...why did I have to suffer this? I truly want you to get better soon, and I know that my prayers for you will be answered. Another thing I did to help myself was to watch shows on television that I really liked, I even popped in some Spongebob Squarepants dvds, which helped keep my mind off of my obsessions. God bless you Leonna, and know that I care for you, and I understand the depth of turmoil you are going through, but there is hope, and things will change. I am not here in person to do it sadly, but here is a big, warm, comforting **hug**!
Rark
02-23-2005, 01:31 PM
Kiehn--I liked the idea of picturing the little devil and angel :) Making it less serious sure is a good idea and I had never looked at it that way.
I thought of something that may be prevelent here last night. I forgot that when I get close to a ledge or something of the sort, I picture myself jumping down, no matter what the height. This usually follows by me realisically realizing that I'd probably die or seriously injure myself. I've been having this since I was about in 6th grade, and it STILL makes me tense up for half a second.
Point is, I don't in any way wish to harm or kill myself, and the idea that I'd be capable of wanting to is ridiculous. I hope that also helped put things into perspective from.
I thought of something that may be prevelent here last night. I forgot that when I get close to a ledge or something of the sort, I picture myself jumping down, no matter what the height. This usually follows by me realisically realizing that I'd probably die or seriously injure myself. I've been having this since I was about in 6th grade, and it STILL makes me tense up for half a second.
Point is, I don't in any way wish to harm or kill myself, and the idea that I'd be capable of wanting to is ridiculous. I hope that also helped put things into perspective from.
maizie
02-26-2005, 04:52 PM
Hi to you all out there with this awful illness.I have had the obsessive thoughts re killing a loved one since around 15 years old.I am now 33.I have been hit badly with violent thoughts since the birth of my baby 18 months ago.I used to think about losing control and killing my neice I first got this thought when I babysat one night.It made me feel so sick.It was like an urge.I was on my own so I took her back to my house because my husband was there.My beautiful daughter was born and within a couple of months the same thoughts and sickly urges came again.I lost weight sweated all the time and really thought I was going mad ( which I have always feared anyway.)I was on Ciprimil but even on the highest does I never felt the thoughts stopped.I have seen 2 pysciatrists .The latter the better one.The first one told me to relax 3 times a day and to put an elastic band around my wrists and twang it as soon as a thought came.I had very sore wrists! I also get he loud thinking like my voice saying " Go on hen kill her" this scatres me the most.Does anyone else get this? I thought I was schitzophrenic as have always worried about becoming ill with this.Since Christmas I have had couple of fantastic weeksthen i love life I just wish it could always be this way.When I am realy bad I just hold on to the fact that I know I can feel me again because I have done it.