My dad is in the middle stage of dementia and my mom is taking care of him by herself. My dad and mom live in NM I am in Idaho so lots of miles between us. My mom is getting tired and sick her self. My husbands kids are musicans and have lots of friends over all day and night, and they can play loud sometimes. My husband and his son(16) are not crazy about him coming here, and my mom and brother exspect me to do it, I am so stressed and scared and I am also suffering with anxiety and depression and some health problems, I dont know what to do. I have suggested to my mom that I come to NM for a couple of weeks to help out while she gets better and can find a place to move to where there is more care for him and support for her, but she does not want me there and wants him out of her sight now. I told her she should move to Idaho but she doesnt want to live here.
My mother and I do not have a good relationship, but I do love my dad very much and I want to help him. I am scared and I don't what to do...

Hi Sidney,

Bless your heart! It's awful that your father is slipping away due to dementia and bad that your mother and brother are putting you in the middle - as if your health was perfect and your family isn't keeping you busy enough.

You didn't say what your father's age is. Can he live in an assisted living facility or nursing home either in NM or in Idaho?? That takes a lot of money, but was the best solution I could find for my mother when she became unable to live alone due to Alzheimer's and I was several states away. That way he, like my mother, would be well cared for, well fed, and safe, but not in your home with all of the upset and many problems that would create.

Many nursing homes and Alzheimer's facilities have what's known as "respite care" and they house the patient for a week or two so the caregiver can rest or travel or whatever. There is a cost to this care, of course, but it might be the solution to give your mother a needed break. Your father would stay in NM for that type care, then return home at the end of the time.

As I've written here several times, 3 of mother's long-time friends called me to tell me not to bring mother into my home (I also have a chronic health problem). They said the fatigue and strain of dealing with the increasing and unceasing needs of an Alzheimer's patient would ruin my health, my marriage, and harm my kids. Each of those women had cared for their mothers who had Alzheimers. I took their wise words to heart and forgave myself for not being able to cure mother or care for her. You take their words to heart, too. Your father would not want you to ruin your health or life for him - especially when he is at the end of his life.

You can tell your mother and brother NO, it is not possible. No guilt either. You are not SuperWoman! If your own family is not "for" it, that's reason enough to say no. It's their house, too. No guilt.

There are several issues that have to be addressed if your father is coming to your area. Legally, you'll have to have his Durable Power of Attorney so you can make any needed medical decisions for him or pay his bills from his account. An elder care lawyer can give you more complete information. Do not get talked into caring for your father without this legal and all important document. You have no legal standing without it.

You're not alone on this most unwelcome path.

Wishing you well - Barbara

Hi Barbara,

My mother has checked into a christian assisted living facility home where they live and he could stay for a short time. She told me that leaving him there for a short while(two weeks) would upset him very much thats what I am having such hard time dealing with. Everytime I think about it I cry, I guess this is the first step of grieving for someone you love very much and you know is going to be gone soon. My dad who is 66 now, was always outgoing and loved to have a good time. Dad has been kicked out of a few stores for stealing skoal, one of things we blame for his condition. He cannot live without it...thats all he lives for. He was also getting into the habit of going into houses without knocking scaring the heck out of everyone, sometimes it was someone he knew sometimes not, finally the dectives showed up at moms house and told her if she didnt control him better they were going to lock him up, that was last year.
He will go up to people he doesnt know and ask them if they believe in the devil, and depending on how they react he will tell them about god. He does alot of off the wall things but his humor was always kind of dry so we just thought nothing of it, I guess we are in denial of his sickness,and want him to wake up one day and go back to him oldself. I know I need to seek support now, because my mom is getting sick, thats why I came here to this board.
Thank you so much,
Peace Be with you always!!!

Dear Sidney J, Welcome to the club. I am saddened to hear of your father's illness at his early age (same age as me) while I am dealing with a 96 year old mom with dementia . Somehow it is easier when one knows the person's life is not going to continue much longer.

I second Barbara's opinion that taking him into your home, considering the loud music etc, would be a really really bad idea. An assisted living community or even a locked Alzheimer unit seems the only choice now. I am not clear on what it was he stole from stores ..is it an alcoholic drink or some kind of drug? Has your Dad had a complete medical check up to rule out other causes of his early dementia symptoms? If only it were something curable like a blood clot or small tumor, which could be removed. If it is Alzheimer, he absoutely must be in a safe place where he is safe and others are safe. I can understand your Mom's need to get him away from her. Don't condemn her for it. Who knows how she has been treated for all the years this illness was creeping up and everyone thought - that's just how he is. " Dry humor." Someone could have shot him to death when he entered their homes unwanted and unannounced. Not funny at all.

I know you love him, and want to do what's best for him. BUT you do not want to spoil your marriage, irritate your step children, make your own life a misery, and wind up harming many people to help one, who in the end will not be able to appreciate it at all. You may also become the scapegoat for the whole family's frustrations: if you take him in, or if you don't.

God bless you and may a solution be found, you are now on my prayer list too.

Love,

Martha

Hi Sydney. My, your dad is young to be going through this. I understand the hurt you're feeling losing someone you love so much. But Barbara is right. You have to do what's best for you. Your dad wouldn't want you to sacrifice your health for him. If you were to bring him into your home, stress would surely make your health problems worse. And if you get worse, how can you take care of anyone? As Barbara said, you're not Superwoman. None of us are.We all have our limits.

Would your mom feel comfortable hiring someone with experience to come to her home and care for your father a few times a week so she can do whatever it is she needs or wants to do without worrying about your dad? Or maybe if you went there, she would change her mind and let you care for your dad while she takes a vacation. Is your mom the type of person who doesn't ask for help? If that's the case, instead of letting her think you're coming there to help her, you might say something like "Mom, I need to get away for a few days. Would you mind if I came to visit?" I don't know your mom, of course. And I don't know what type of relationship you have with her so I don't know if that would help. Sometimes that approach helps me with my dad. I have to lead into things asking his opinion knowing full well that what I'm asking his opinion on has to be done. I inch into the subject until I've got the mile. It's always been like that-even before the alzheimer's.

Yes, what you're experiencing is the grief over losing a loved one. It's ok to grieve. But remember him as he was. I can tell you love him very much. He must have been a great dad. To have raised you to be the loving, caring person that you are is a great testament to the wonderful man your dad was and is.

Cherish the memories. :)

Barb

Hi Sidney,

Has your father been checked for other causes of odd behaviors? He's sadly young for dementia. I will say my aunt was only 58 when her Alzheimer's symptoms started about 20 years ago. My mother was 85 and widowed when I became concerned.

When I took my mother's car away and moved her into assisted living, she was not happy. We cried together and I stenciled colorful designs around her apartment living room, bedroom, and kitchenette walls to work off the guilt! I had no choice as I mentioned before. Mom adapted well and quickly but at first sometimes spoke of missing her home and her car. Her sister still came for Sunday lunch. She enjoyed having people to talk to, a library in the building, good food in the dining room for 3 meals daily, and 3 old friends as neighbors - until she forgot them and me and a jillion other things. Before 5 months had passed, she told me she knew when to go to school because she listened for the other children to walk by her door and she'd join them. She meant going to meals. She also worried she'd be late for school and that her mother didn't know where she was. She lived two more years and died at 88 last September.

Perhaps your father would adapt, too. Leaving home is not his first choice, but not bad either if he is going to such a nice facility. Your mother needs tranquility and rest as she (hopefully) gets well herself.

In my mother's case, she was only upset for a short time. She did well with the routine of the facility. After just 6 months, I had to move mom to a locked facility after she wandered away from the assisted living facilty at 9pm one night and was found walking on a busy street. At some point in time, the issue is not the loved one's happiness, but their safety and the safety and wellbeing of the others around them. Sad, but true.

You are right, it is a process of grieving for someone who is gone, but isn't gone. One night I cried so hard because I wanted my mother back. Tears are part of this and there are no easy answers that satisfy everyone. You just do the best you can at that time. Make the best decisions you can at the time. Don't second guess yourself later or kick yourself later. Believe it.

In the decisions to come, take care of yourself and your family. You have lots of living to do. No guilt!

Blessings - Barbara :)

Sidney, I believe you or one of the other posts had mentioned respite care. In order to recieve the respite care your mother wouldnt have to send him anywhere, respite care can be provided 24 hours a day right in his own home. If there are issues with insurance and payment for services, there are so many low cost or no cost programs available out there to help.

I would suggest calling your fathers local Human Services Department, they deal with matters such as this on a dailey basis and would be able to help.

Another place to call for info and help would be the Area Agency on Aging. They may most likely have even more info than the Human Services Agency.

Sidney, the other gals are right, it just wouldnt be a good thing to bring your father into your home. I would give these agencies a call and see what is available in his area. Good Luck!

ValleyGurl

Sidney,

(First of all--Valleygurl!!! What a surprise to find you here! I often read the posts here, because 6 years ago, my Mom died after 8 years of dementia, and I check here to see if I can offer any help. But--this group here is so knowledgeable and so compassionate--and do such a wonderful job themselves--that they always say just what I would have!! :-)

Anyway, Sidney, I know all about that anxiety, dread, the feeling that life has changed forever. Loving a parent and watching them take this long, slow journey--which you cannot travel on--is so wrenching.

I did want to mention that one thing that helped my sister and I, somewhat, was having a geriatric care specialist to come in and analyse everything related to my Mom and her living sitution. From finances to daytime aides to what was available here in NYC, our hometown, this woman helped assist us with many, many aspects of the situation. She even estimated how long my mother's money would last, if she had day-to-day carers stay with her.

Ultimately, my sister and I had to make the choices (we got Mom an apt in our building and hired a very loving caregiver we'd known for years...and whom my Mom knew. This caregiver had once taken care of our older cousin.) It was an expensive choice, but my Mom was blessed to have no monetary problems, so we were able to do this. Alice and I were always so grateful to have had this time with her.

The geriatric care specialist came just the one time--but gave us some good ideas and some excellent resources. I would imagine that at this point, the most difficult problem is getting your Mom to agree to what parents often regard as "instrusive" help!! (My own Mom was so self-reliant all her life....so sweet...and so stubborn!! LOL! She'd say things like "Okay! I'LL be the one to let you know when I'm ready for the old folks home!!" :-)

I hope you will surround yourself with friends, Sidney, who understand your situation and can just sit and listen. I joined an "Adult Children of Parents with Dementia" support group for about a year...and it was such a relief for my sister and I to realize that we were not alone!!)

Keep posting here and you wil find some very loyal pals to encourage and support you.

Lynn :-)

I know you love him, and want to do what's best for him. BUT you do not want to spoil your marriage, irritate your step children, make your own life a misery, and wind up harming many people to help one, who in the end will not be able to appreciate it at all. You may also become the scapegoat for the whole family's frustrations: if you take him in, or if you don't.

God bless you and may a solution be found, you are now on my prayer list too.

Love,

Martha[/QUOTE]

Martha you are so right. I have been there and I loved my Dad better than anything. I took on so much and even though others didn't want too I didn't want Daddy to suffer for it. It will not be appreciated and you will become a scapegoat for the whole family's frustrations. I don't understand why there is some that make a hard situation so much harder. I have had a hard time with this.

You will be in my prayers.

Sidney I am in the same boat you are, I am far away from my parents, thank goodness my sister is close. My dad has just begun to decline and god it is scary. It is difficult to be so far away, I feel like I am not contributing enough, not being a good daughter, not living up to expectations.