Well, I have still (thanks to all of your support!) been "good" and have not slipped "yet". But dumb me, went ahead and spent the weekend with the idiot I thought I learned my lesson from last weekend. Well, this weekend was not only the cruel words and names but more. Now, I am really mad at myself. I am hoping for some advice. And maybe someone can tell me why I cannot let go of this fantasy dream that I have had for so many years of me and him being together like we planned when we were younger. I really love him so much-although, I cannot find one reason why-but I cannot seem to get him away from me again. I hate me cause I NEVER LET MY WALL DOWN AND I NEVER TRUST ANYONE-BUT I LET MYSELF TOTALLY VULNERABLE FOR HIM AND NOW I CANNOT SEEM TO TURN BACK.

I have been doing SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good now on my lexapro and klonopin - feeling better than ever. Well, the last couple of weeks I let my "first love" back in my life. I am 32. I was 15-16 then. It ended because of physical and emotional abuse.

Well, after talking to him for 2 weeks, omg- he grew up, was in control and no longer angry at the world. I TRUST NO ONE.... but, I fell right in this hole. And, now- I cannot get him to leave me alone. I have opened myself up to all the bad things he did to me then , now he has done again over the weekend. NOW...... I have let him break me down, I dont know what to do - where to start-

ME AND MY KIDS HAVE BEEN SO GOOD WITH ME ON MY MEDS AND NOT JUMPY AND DEPRESSED CRYING.

NOW, I HAVE SCREWED IT ALL UP. (of course, I protect them..........they only think I fell, and ran into a door. and fell again, I told them I was playing around and lost balance- . I HATE LIES but, I WILL NOT HURT THEM.

im down, im down and alone and scared and maybe all this just is not worth it. I am pretty much out of choices for meds, and I have no one to talk to but whoever reads my posts. I am so scared of what comes next. I am so scared. I hate me for this becuase it is all my fault. I did all of this - it was my decision and i let my thick wall down by choice and now look what i have done/caytie

Hey caytie,
I am so sorry you have to be going through this. As much as we can all tell you,"dump him, hes stupid" I know that its not a matter of knowing he isnt good for you, its a matter of bringing yourself to a point where you can leave him and not go back. I was in a similar situation with a guy where for some odd reason I was in love, but the relationship was EXTREMELY unhealthy. I knew that it was making more depressed than happy, but there was no way i could leave him. If you don't mind me asking, are you a Christian? I am and that was how i got over him. He actually ended up breaking up w/me, i was devastated, but know i know, through God and hope, ,that it was one of the best thing to happen to me. He always is calling and wants me back, but I am so over him and would never even think about going back. If you are a Christian, pray, and pray hard because you will get over this and move on and afterwards you be so much more stronger, its the best feeling i promise!!! keep in touch and if you ever need to talk i am here!

Hi there Caytie,
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through, it must be so hard for you, and I want you to know how much I feel for you and hope things get easier. I hope you find the strength to dump this guy because he is unworthy of you. You deserve so much better; someone who will love you and look after you and want the best for you. You can find that person, you will! But for that, you need the strength to get out of the grips of this guy and shut him out of your life so that he can't do anymore damage to you and your children. I'm sure it hurts them to see you hurting; so if you can't do it for yourself, then do it for them. However young they are, I'm sure they can tell through the lies, those things are never kept hidden. We are here for you Caytie, to listen, and to care, so please feel free to come and post how you are whenever and however you are feeling.
Take care sweetie :wave:

o caytie! why do u have to go thru this? u are such a swet heart and u will make it thru! love is a messed up thing and i am glad i never had to deal with it yet. im so sorry to hear that! if only i could go there and give u and ur kids a BIG hug!

take care hun!

SammYx0x0x

How are you doing? I'm thinking of you! Don't give up. Here is a hug. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}} }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

yap! GROUP HUGSSS!!!!!! :bouncing: :bouncing: